Updated Saturday 10 May, 2008 12:19 PM | Headlines | Discussion Forum | International Edition

Home Page

Announcements 

Alternate Histories

International Edition

List of Updates

Want to join?

Join Writer Development Section

Writer Development Member Section

Join Club ChangerS

Discussion Forum

Editorial

Chris Comments

Book Reviews

Blog

Letters To The Editor

FAQ

Links Page

Terms and Conditions

Resources

Donations

Alternate Histories

International Edition

Poster Page

Multiverse War

Second Chance

Outside Context Problem

Disunited States

Alison Brooks

Fiction

Essays

Other Stuff

Authors

Thanks

To Our

Friends

@

Alternate

History

dot Com

Chapter 23

It's the end of the world as we know it,
And I feel fine.

–REM - It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

**

James was having a rather intriguing dream involving three naked Russian female gymnasts, a swimming pool inexplicably filled with chocolate sauce and himself dressed up as a British Admiral. He had just gotten to the part where the Russian gymnasts had just been revealed to be spies and had promised to show him this thing they can do with their tongues and chocolate sauce if he will grant them their freedom when the sounds of extremely loud wailing suddenly woke him up.

"Graaarggghhh…?" mumbled James as he opened his sleep crusted eyes, blinking at the bright sunlight. The wailing could still be heard and it took a few seconds for him to realize that the wailing was coming from something that was squirming in his arms.

He looked down to see that the wailing was coming from Raymond—who was looking up at him with a look of extreme annoyance.

"What the hell do you want, kid?"

Raymond responded by trying –with limited success—to pull open James’ shirt and grasp at his chest.

"Look kid—I know I’ve got myself an impressive set of man-boobs but listen very carefully—you can try all you want to get milk out of those suckers but it just ain’t gonna happen, ok?"

Raymond kept trying regardless.

James leaned back, sighing.

He blinked when he noticed Erikka sitting across the ravine from him, staring at them with a faint smile on her face. Erikka was holding a rather large handgun nonchalantly in one hand. Karla was sitting next to her, asleep, her head resting on Erikka’s shoulder.

"How long have you been awake?" shouted James.

"Never went to sleep."

"You’ve been awake all night watching us?"

Erikka simply shrugged her shoulders.

"Not the first time I’ve stayed awake all night making sure he was alright. Won’t be the last, either. By the way—you drool when you sleep."

"Ummmm…sorry about that…bad habit…."

"Actually found it kind of cute—there seemed to be a contest between the two of you over who can drool more."

"I know I’m going to regret asking this but who—"

"You did. Completely blew him out of the water."

"And do I win a prize?"

"Yup—get your ass over here and I’ll feed Ray so that he’ll stop trying to play with your boobs."

"But what about the water?"

"What water?"

James blinked in confusion then looked down at the ‘river’ that separated them last night.

At the river that was no longer there….

Aside from piles of muck and debris, the only evidence that there had been a river in the ravine was an ankle deep layer of brown water.

"How long has it been clear?"

"An hour or two. I was going to wake you but I figured you two needed the sleep."

"Uh…thanks."

"Now get your ass over here. And for God’s sake, keep your pants on this time!"

An hour later, they found the SUV a mile and half downriver, buried nearly up to the top of its windows in foul smelling mud.

"God—I really could go for a cigarette right about now.", moaned James. "That and a big massive cup of coffee."

Erikka made a face.

"Ugh. Coffee is a poison. Only weak and pathetic people with no regards for their personal health and well-being would willingly subject themselves to consuming crap like that. And if I catch you smoking a cigarette anywhere within twenty feet of me or Ray, I’ll rip out what’s left of your rotted lungs and forcefeed them to you."

"You sure you don’t know my ex wife? Cause you’re, like, totally channelling her right now."

"Ok dude—get busy digging out Becky."

James stared at the two women, a look of annoyance etched in his face.

"What do you mean ‘me’, woman? Don’t you mean ‘we’?"

"Hey—look at Karla. See how petite she is? You think she’s in any shape to dig it out? Besides which—Ray is sleeping in her arms."

"Well—how about you helping me out?"

"Sorry dude—gotta have someone on watch to make sure we don’t get jumped by some freaky raptor or pterodactyl thingie or whatever."

"So I’m doing this alone?"

"Yup. Besides which—you look like you could use the exercise. So get busy!"

James grunted and turned around, muttering something under his breath that sounded vaguely like ‘…says the woman who’s obviously been hitting the cheesecakes pretty hard lately…’ and got to work, using his hands.

After a few minutes, James managed to clear away the trunk of the SUV, allowing him to get at its contents. Fortunately, someone had the presence of mind to include a shovel while they were packing the trunk with what appeared to James’ eyes to be about one ton of guns, food and water.

Ok—so it had a cracked handle. And the blade was made out of plastic. And was only two feet long.

It was the thought that counts…..

While James pulled out the shovel, Erikka took the opportunity to yank out a ‘fucking big ass rifle’ and went back to guarding them from any rampaging dinosaurs.

James almost felt sorry for any dinosaurs that might show up.

He idly wondered if that was the real reason for the dinosaurs’ extinction—they were all blown away by psychotic gun toting lesbians.

As James slowly made some headway into the mountain of mud, he decided to ask Erikka something that’s been on his mind for the last…James looked at his watch and made a quick calculation…for the last 13 ½ hours.

"Hey Erikka—you’ve been wondering how all this shit happened in the first place?"

"Nope."

That nearly floored James. He stopped shovelling and turned to stare at Erikka.

"Seriously? Not even in the slightest? Not even some half-assed crazy theory?"

"Nope—not at all."

"Er...why not?"

"Easy. It doesn't really matter what caused the event because: one – any theory we come up with is going to be completely half-assed and almost certainly wrong. Two – odds are that it will take all the eggheads and braniacs days or even weeks to figure out what happened. That’s assuming that they figure it out at all. Three-even if they do figure it out, we are so far down the list of the ‘need to know’ people that the odds are that we’ll never going to know what actually did it and four- there's more important things to worry about at the moment, like the people-eating dinosaurs and the total destruction of half the state."

"You know—if you’re going to use logic and reason for this entire road trip, this won’t be any fun at all."

"Well—it’s been fun for me so far. I got to blow away a few dinosaurs and I’ve got myself a manny all in one night, so things are looking pretty good for me so far. By the way—did I tell you that you could stop digging?"

"Let me guess—you’ll use the bullwhip on me if I don’t get back to work." said James sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Riding crop actually." said Karla, nonchalantly as she played with Ray.

James went back to work.

After about half an hour, James—finally—managed to free the SUV from the mud. He leaned back and rubbed his aching back. He had not done this much exercise since his Navy days and numerous muscles that he didn’t even knew he had where lodging very loud complaints with his brain.

Erikka did one last quick scan of the surrounding area and then popped the front hood of the SUV while Karla (with Ray in her arms) opened the front door—and then quickly leaped back as a small river of black muddy water poured out of the interior of the SUV.

James took a quick glance inside the SUV.

The interior of the vehicle was a write-off—with pretty much every square inch of surface either covered in mud or stained with water.

That barely fazed Karla—who quickly started yanking out blankets from the trunk and using them to cover all the seats.

Neither one of them seemed to even notice James as Karla went to work cleaning or covering up the interior while Erikka fiddled around with the engine.

After a few minutes the interior was as clean as it was ever going to get and Karla and Ray leaped into the back seat and shut the doors. A few minutes later, Erikka slammed the hood close and walked towards the driver’s seat, wiping her greasy hands on her pants as she did so.

The first two tries produced nothing but a pathetic flatulent puff of smoke and watery mud from the exhaust pipe. The third try caused the engine to roar into life.

Even James couldn’t help but give a little ragged cheer.

Erikka walked out, grinning, and walked to the trunk and started digging around in its contents for a few minutes. She was joined by Karla and Ray a few seconds later.

Erikka seemed to be very….determined…to look for something in particular in the truck.

James—brushing aside a comment about ‘curiosity killing the cat’ that leaped into his mind—got up and wandered over.

"What are you looking for?"

"It’s around here…I’m sure of it…where can it be?..."

"Erikka—it’s ok. It’s not necessary for you to—"

"A-HA!" screamed Erikka, pulling out a large plastic Tupperware container. "Here it is!"

"Uh—what’s that?" asked James. He noticed—too late—Karla making frantic ‘No! No! No!’ gestures behind Erikka’s back.

"A speciality from the Old Country! A truly magnificent dish that is suitable for royalty! We deserve a special treat! Feast your eyes on THIS!" said Erikka, opening the container.

James would be the first to admit that at the moment he himself was not by any stretch of the imagination a picture of good hygiene. He had spent the last half day getting soaked in filthy San Francisco Bay water, mud or flood waters. Right now, he would seriously consider committing homicide for just 3 minutes in a hot shower and a change of clothes.

The smell from the…food…in the Tupperware container was much, much worse.

"Here!" screamed Erikka as she started piling the cold cuts like slabs of…meat?... onto pieces of crisp bread and offering them to James.

James—hesitantly—grabbed one piece of bread and stared at the offering with a look of equal measures of fear and confusion. Erikka offered one piece to Karla as well.

Still smiling, Erikka turned around and put the plastic container back into the trunk and continued to dig around for something else in it.

"What the fuck is this stuff?" hissed James to Karla.

"It’s called gravlax." hissed Karla back.

"It smells like rotted fish!" hissed James in reply.

"That’s because it is rotted fish!" whispered Karla.

"No fucking way I’m eating this crap!" hissed James, his voice rising just a bit.

"She rotted it just for us! It’s a special dish—she only shares it with people she likes! Look—just swallow it quickly—you’ll barely be able to taste the brine if you do."

"But—"

"SWALLOW IT! NOW!" hissed Karla—just as Erikka turned around and stared expectantly at the two of them.

Grinning maniacally, James popped the bread into his mouth—and swallowed.

It took a few seconds for it to get down his throat, his gag reflex fighting it every step of the way.

Finally it went down and James and Karla looked at Erikka, grinning like demented mannequins.

"You liked?"

An observer would have been impressed with the way Karla managed to quickly move her foot and slam her heel into James’ instep when he hesitated to reply and quickly return her foot to its starting position.

"Mmmmm-Mmmmmm" nodded James, trying very hard not to throw up.

"More?"

"NO! I mean—No! I would love to but—you know—gotta watch my weight, don’t you know…" said James, patting his stomach. Out of the corner of his eye James noticed Karla smiling at him in approval.

"Well James" said Erikka, leaning back against the SUV. "I have to admit—you did good back there with Ray. I had my doubts at first but now I know that—in spite of you looking like a complete slob—you’re a cool dude. So—here’s a present for you."

With that, Karla handed over a gun to James.

James stared at the gun in his hand.

Technically—it was a handgun. In that it was a gun that could—sort of—fit in one hand. But it was as far away from those movie handguns as you can imagine. This was the type of handgun that would make even Dirty Harry or Rambo go ‘Whoa—sorry man—I can’t use this gun. It’s far too dangerous—someone could get hurt with one of these things. You have anything in a smaller size?’ It looked like the type of gun that was used to hunt buffalo. At close range. There were probably treaties outlawing the use of this gun.

"Uh—nor that I don’t appreciate the gesture but I don’t even know how to use this."

"You’re ex-military, right? Surely even in the nancy pansy Navy they give you guys some weapons training?"

"Well, yeah—but jeez—that was years ago! And this is a fucking cannon not a gun! I’m just as likely to blow my balls off with this sucker!"

"Oh good—so no real loss!", said Erikka, grinning.

Erikka turned swiftly around and went into the driver’s seat. Karla hopped into the back seat a few seconds later.

"Are you sure you don’t know my ex?" yelled James, as he jumped into the passenger seat.

With an explosion of smoke and water from the exhaust, the SUV started moving slowly up the ravine.

They almost crashed the SUV when a 10 foot long dinosaur that looked vaguely like an armadillo—but with numerous bony spikes on its back---ran in front of them. Fortunately for it, it ran into a nearby swamp before Erikka could leap out and shoot it.

"You know—we don’t have to shoot every dinosaur we come across," yelled James.

"Are you kidding me? It’s either them or us. This planet isn’t big enough for two dominant species. Sooner or later—one of us will have to eliminate the other."

"Well—much as you like to—we can’t kill them all. Besides which—weren’t you the one who was going on about how humans were a whole bunch of morons and should all be eliminated?"

"Yeah—but not all of them! Just the ones that piss me off!"

"And that would be—what?—99%?"

"Oh don’t be silly! 70%...maybe 80% tops!"

James just sighed and went back to playing with Ray.

"So—what’s the plan?"

The four of them had stopped for a quick meal –one that did not include gravlox – and were now standing around staring at some maps.

"Ok—we’re near Elk Creek. I say we turn east here and blow through Willows and then go northeast, staying on as many of the back and country roads as we can."

"How long until we get to the cabin?" asked James.

"Assuming we keep our current speed and don’t run into any more trouble—we should get to Susanville in about 7 or 8 hours. Just in time for a later dinner."

"You know—if we go on the highways we could get there for lunch." said James.

"And run into God knows how many lunatics running around wanting our stuff?! No thanks! I’ll take my chances with the long way there."

"How are we for fuel?"

"We’ll get there—even if I have to get out and push! C’mon—we got to leave!"

"Stop the car!"

"Dude—are you freaking nuts?"

"Stop the car! Now!"

Erikka slammed on the brakes, causing the SUV to skid slightly. It was still sliding when James practically leaped from the car and started running towards a stand of nearby trees.

"Dude—what the fuck?!"

"I gotta pee, ok!"

Erikka leaned her head to one side, a look of intense disapproval on her face.

"Now James—why didn’t you go before we left?" said Erikka, with just a hint of a smile on her face.

"Don’t you fucking start with me!" screamed James as he made it to a tree and unzipped his fly.

James waited….and waited…and waited….

"Dude—what’s the hold up?" screamed Erikka.

"Stop staring at me! I can’t go if you stare at me!"

Erikka and Karla glanced at each other, rolled their eyes and turned around.

"Men!" yelled Erikka.

"You said it! How come we need them anyway?"

"Need someone to open jars and clean out the gunk from clogged drains."

"Damn…."

There is a certain Zen-like frame of mind that men enter when they are having a nice long leak. These wonderful feelings of joy and contentment run through you. It’s practically a mini-orgasm. One can actually zone out and be completely unaware of one’s surroundings.

So—in James’ defence—it wasn’t completely his fault that he didn’t see the dinosaur come out of the forest just as he was finishing up.

One moment there was nothing there.

The next—there it was.

Right in front of him, barely ten feet away from him.

As big as the SUV itself.

It was big!

It was massive!

It was green—just like the forest!

It was on four legs!

It had…had…three…three…horns…?

James blinked

It was a triceratops.

An actual triceratops.

A small black beady eye stared back at James.

Three very distinct thoughts were fighting for control in James’ brain. The first one was trying –with no success—to get the muscles in his mouth and throat to work to cry out for the Dynamic Duo back in the truck to come to his aid. The second thought was frantically digging through whatever pathetic bits and pieces of dinosaur facts he could remember from his childhood. The phrases plant eater and totally harmless rose out of the basement of his memories. The third—and currently the most foremost – thought in his brain was The fucking thing has three horns—two of which can turn me into a shish kebab in a second!

The triceratops took one step closer to him.

Maybe I can pretend to be a tree? was a frantic desperate thought that ran through James’ mind.

Its front horn was now touching James’ chest. He could feel the hot smelly breath of the thing blowing into his face.

James was really, really glad that he had take a leak just a few seconds ago—as right about now he would be peeing his pants….

The triceratops slowly opened its mouth—and a long purple tongue slowly snaked out…

…and licked James’ face.

The triceratops suddenly reared back and actually made a disgusted face—like it had tasted something foul—and shook its head.

Slowly turning around, it quickly walked back into the forest and disappeared.

James stared at the trees in shock and relief and confusion for a full minute before a voice broke the mood.

"Yo dude! Are you finished pissing already?"

"Man—are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost."

"Don’t want to talk about it."

"Seriously—you don’t look too good—"

"Don’t want to talk about it! Let’s go!"

Karla and Erikka stared at one another and shrugged their shoulders.

"Must be a guy thing."

"Guess so."

The SUV drove off down the road, heading northeast.

~~

On to Chapter 24

Please Comment In The Discussion Forum