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Updated Sunday 15 May, 2011 12:18 PM |
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This Day in Alternate History Blog
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SNAKE OIL
By Doctor What
"I spent 90%
of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
**
The TV in the room was, in many respects, very much like the room itself: grungy, old, dirty and obviously the recipient of a lot of use and abuse.
A finger – also dirty and grungy – stabs the ‘on’ button.
The TV flickers to life.
The screen is dark.
We suddenly hear an announcer’s voice. It is a very deep voice, almost ‘Biblical’ sounding. It sounds vaguely like James Earl Jones.
“Imagine being able to relive your childhood dreams...”
The screen erupts with light and sound.
We see an X-wing fighter zig-zagging effortlessly through a massive amount of lasers and explosions. The camera zooms in to the cockpit to reveal that the pilot of the X-wing is a teenage boy, no more than fifteen years old, if that.
The camera pulls away to show the X-wing fly towards the Death Star.
Three TIE fighters – one of them obviously belonging to Darth Vader – flies after it, firing their lasers.
But the X-wing fighter is too fast and agile for the TIE fighters and dodges their shots with ease.
Two torpedoes are launched from the X-wing and they instantly slam into an exhaust port.
The Death Star explodes spectacularly and we see the X-wing fighter fly towards the camera, the teenage pilot screaming ‘Eeee-hah!’
“Imagine reliving your fondest memories...”
We see a young couple – obviously in love – in a rowboat floating gently down a river. Judging by the clothing of the couple, it appears to be sometime during the 1940’s or 50’s.
The camera pulls back to show that the image is playing on a TV. We see a couch in the foreground.
The camera angle switches to show an old couple – apparently in their eighties or nineties – sitting together, watching the clip. They’re obviously the young couple, now very aged, but still very much in love.
“Imagine viewing your dreams over and over again...”
We see a woman in her twenties on a horse, riding fast and hard through the forest. The horse does a spectacular leap over a stream...and the scene suddenly pauses, then reverses for a few seconds, then plays again, showing the jump occurring again.
“Imagine no more...”
Classical sounding music plays, very uplifting and almost angelic sounding.
The screen shows an iPod looking device on a black background. A soft, almost ethereal glow, surrounds the device.
“Introducing the iCatcher. The world’s first ultramedia dream recorder. Coming June 2017. Imagine the possibilities...”
The screen goes black for a few seconds and then shows Jon Stewart at his desk, the audience cheering.
“Welcome back everyone! My guest is definitely one for the books folks! Just over a month ago, his people arrived to our world and everything changed! Now –in his very first talk show appearance, the Visitor’s official spokesperson – er – spokesalien ‘Bob’!”
Audience cheers loudly as we see ‘Bob’, smiling and his antennae twitching, appear. He walks over to Jon, shaking hands and sits down, still smiling.
It takes a few seconds for the audience to settle down.
When they finally do, Jon gets to business.
“So—Bob –tell me. What possessed you to make a network appearance? And on this Mickey Mouse show of ours, of all places?”
The sound of the audience laughing takes a few seconds to die down.
Bob shifts his position a bit and leans forward.
“It’s quite simple, Jon. I’m here to put to rest all the really silly and crazy rumours that have been circulating about us. You’ve heard them. Stuff like -- The Lytasians are here to buy everything that isn’t nailed down. The Lytasians are actually reptoids who want to eat people’s brains. The Lytasians are going to put everyone into cold storage and send them off to be slaves. The Lytasians were the second shooter on the grassy knoll.” Bob pauses for a few seconds and then grins before continuing. “Only one of those is true – the rest are all pure science fiction.”
The audience laughter is, if anything, even louder than before.
Jon leans forward.
“But seriously...”
The sound of the audience laughing interrupts him before he can continue.
Jon leans forward again, grinning slightly.
“But seriously...”.
The audience once again laughs. Jon faces the camera and gives the audience a dirty look as the laughter slowly dies. He turns towards Bob, obviously trying to give this one more try.
“Why is it do you think that these rumours are spreading?”
Bob leans back and, clasping his hands before him, responds.
“Very simply – you humans have been lied to so often by your leaders that if anyone were to show the smallest amount of goodwill towards you, you immediately become suspicious and paranoid. Most unfortunate but we hope to alleviate those concerns of yours by our honesty and assistance in all of our dealings with you.”
Bob pauses for a moment and then smiles.
“Failing that, of course, we’ll just buy all your votes.”
The audience laughs again and we hear a few hoots and cheers.
Jon leans forward and – for a moment – looks vaguely serious and pondering.
“But what benefits are you getting from offering all of this stuff to us? Seriously – have you looked at our history? Giving us humans spaceships is like giving a teenager the keys to the car and liquor cabinet.”
Bob tries to respond but is interrupted by the audience laughing.
He patiently waits a few seconds as the laugher slowly dies down.
“We have complete and total faith in you humans, Jon. You are not the first aliens that we have met, after all. In fact, we are personally responsible for introducing no less than nine different alien races to each other. The amount of knowledge and trade and culture that has been exchanged is immeasurable. And each one of those aliens thought exactly the same thing that you humans thought.”
Jon leans forward, obviously very intrigued.
“Really now?”
Bob, his head nodding up and down and his antennae a blur, responds.
“We believe that you humans have a destiny to fulfill, a path to greatness and we, in our humble way, will play a role in allowing you humans to achieve that greatness.”
Jon obviously doesn’t find this line of reasoning too convincing and is slowly nodding his head.
“So—you think we humans are a great species? A species destined for a higher destiny? A species that may play a role in making the universe a bigger and better and greater thing?”
Bob – for the first time – seems to sincerely smile.
“Definitely.”
Jon slowly turns his head to face the audience for a few seconds and then just as slowly returns his gaze back to Bob.
“You’re stoned right now, aren’t you?”
Bob laughs uproariously, almost doubling over in laughter. The audience sound like their in almost as bad a shape as Bob.
“Ah Jon – I like it when you make me laugh! You are truly a great comedian! One of Earth’s greatest!”
“Now I KNOW you’re stoned!” replies Jon, as the laughter redoubles.
It takes a few seconds for the laughing to die down. When it does, Jon speaks.
“But seriously...” Jon stops and gives the audience another dirty look as a few giggles can be heard before returning his gaze back at Bob. “Do you really believe all that about us? Truly?”
“But of course! We’ve been watching you humans for a very long time after all”
Jon’s eyes practically shoot of their sockets as he stares at Bob in shock.
“Really now?”
“Of course! We do not make contact with a species until we’ve done extensive observation – the better to offer the most appropriate and necessary technology that will prove the most useful to you.”
Jon has a confused and perplexed look on his face for a few seconds as he seems to try to process this information.
“So what next, Bob? What else do you have in store for us?”
Bob leans back in his chair, a look of supreme confidence evident in every muscle in his body.
“Nothing that we don’t believe is in your best interest, Jon. Be assured of that.”
Jon stares at Bob for a few seconds, an extremely dubious expression evident on his face.
“That won’t involve eating our brains or any of that [beep]?”
Bob grins.
“With a straw or with a spoon?”
The audience laughs again and Jon joins in for a second or two. Bob continues to speak, still grinning.
“Whatever you do in the privacy of your own bedroom is your own business. We don’t care.”
The audience laughs again as Bob stares at the audience, his grin becoming larger with every passing second. When the laughter finally stops, Bob speaks again.
“However if it involves antlers or tentacles, we may have a buyer for you.”
It becomes obvious now that the audience has totally lost it now. The laughter is extremely loud. Even Jon looks like he’s having trouble keeping a straight face.
Bob continues to speak, obviously on a roll now.
“We’ll give you the standard ten percent finder’s fee, of course. We are nothing if not generous.” Bob pauses, deep in thought, before he grins again and speaks. “Double if you paint yourself green.”
The laughter is now just one giant continuous rolling sound, like a neverending clap of thunder on a hot summer night. We’re hearing cheers and hoots and screams from the audience. Jon is clearly having trouble breathing from all the laughing he’s doing. With a great amount of self-control, Jon tries to speak.
“Are you trying to steal my job here, Bob?!”
Bob just grins and leans back a bit more in his chair.
“Well—you’ve been threatening to retire for quite some time now – only natural that we start auditioning for new hosts.”
Jon is still laughing as he replies.
“Only if I can get to do my final show from your home planet.”
Bob looks at Jon, a serious expression on his face for the first time.
“That can be arranged, Jon.”
Jon goes from laughing to coughing in shock, clearly caught off-guard by this statement.
“Really? You’re not bull[bleep]ing me?”
Bob just nods his head, his antennae now almost a blur.
“Of course I’m serious. How do you humans say? I’ll have my people talk to your people.”
The audience has now gone from laughing to cheering.
Jon – clearly a bit overwhelmed – leans in to respond and then glances offscreen. He stares offscreen for a second or two, and then returns his gaze back to Bob.
“Don’t go anywhere Bob – I want to talk to you some more after the break. We’ll be right back.”
The camera pulls back from Jon and Bob and we see Jon lean forward to speak to Bob.
We hear audience cheers of ‘Bob! Bob! Bob!’ as the show cuts to commercial.
Just as before, we see a dirty and grungy finger stab the ‘on’ button. With a blaze of light, the TV turns off.
We hear a voice, low and muffled.
“Need a back-up plan....”
~~ On to Chapter 12
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