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The Argus Mark VI Holographic Projection Unit Owner’s Manual

 

By Chris Oakley

******

Thank you for purchasing this Argus Holo-technologies Inc. Mark VI Holographic Projection Unit. We hope you’ll get a great deal of enjoyment and use out of this machine and that you’ll recommend it to all your friends. Thousands of customers like you have purchased the Mark VI and found it ideal for entertainment, informational, and instructional viewing; with the variety of program cubes currently available for use with the Mark VI, and the adapters which enable it to run software from the Mark IV and Mark V projection units, we can guarantee you’ll never run out of things to watch.

(Are they kidding? I ran out of stuff to watch after two weeks! That thing goes through program cubes like Sherman through Atlanta!)

We’ve taken every possible step to make the Mark VI as easy to use as our previous holographic projection systems....

(Really? You could’ve fooled me. I’ve owned four different kinds of Argus holo projectors in my time, and every one of ‘em was harder to use than the one that came before it! The last one nearly gave me a heart attack, for God’s sake!)

...and to make them as safe as possible.

(Tell that to the guy who wound up in the hospital for a month after he tripped and broke his arm on that oversized power cord!)

Millions of satisfied Argus customers like you...

(Excuse me? I can think of a lot of words to describe my mood right now, but satisfied isn’t one of ‘em! I’m about five minutes away from suing the company for false advertising!)

....have purchased Mark VI projectors and gotten tremendous enjoyment out of them.

(I doubt it!)

We pride ourselves on making the Mark VI affordable...

(AFFORDABLE?!! This pile of junk cost me an arm and a leg! And it’s harder to program than those old-fashioned...what did they used to call those things? Oh yeah, VCRs. In the time I’ve wasted trying to figure out how to set the clock on this thing, I could’ve built my own holographic projector-- and done a better job of it too!)

....and easy to maintain.

(HA!)

If for any reason you’re not satisfied with this product....

(Are you kidding?!! I’ve got more reasons than a space station has docking ports!)

....simply return the projector unit to the original retailer and mail the card attached to the inside front cover of this manual back to our Customer Service department for a full refund.

(Customer DISservice, you mean!)

Here at Argus our top priority is making our customers happy....

(Don’t think so!)

....and part of that is responding to their technical troubles in a timely fashion.

(TIMELY?!!! It’s been six months since I contacted them for a refund for this pile of garbage!!)

For further information on how to get in touch with our Customer Service department, visit our website...

(No thank you! The last time I visited that site my computer got infected with two dozen kinds of viruses! Took me a week to get the hard drive cleaned up-- and don’t even get me started on the cash I had to shell out to hire somebody to recover my main files!)

.....or contact us via your mobile comm. device at the number printed on the front of this manual.

 (I’ll contact the number on the front, all right, but it won’t be to talk to Customer Service!)

 

 

 

******

The End

 

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