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Today in Alternate History

This Day in Alternate History Blog










by Thomas Wm. HAMILTON



Please note that some readers may find this article objectionable and reader discretion is advised.



Yeah, okay, I messed up, I know it. Whatta ya want, I'm one of the Fallen Ones, so you expect perfection? If I was perfect would I be a Fallen One? Gimme a break!

So my boss tells me to mess up these creepy humans. They are supposed to be real hot stuff, not like they got powers or nothing, but the Enemy likes them. He should only have them instead of us to kick around, you know what I mean? Anyhow, the boss gets this bright idea, just like the bright idea what made us the Fallen Ones. So he's no genius, neither.

Anyhow, he figures the Enemy likes these humans, so we tick off the Enemy by screwing with the humans. What could they do about it, with no powers, and not much for brains, neither? But the boss, he figures it's the lack of brain power what keeps the humans down, so he's gonna make them smarter. Like maybe he shoulda tried that one on himself first, yah know?

The Enemy, he's got these two humans in this little garden plot He's created. He's big on that creation stuff. Anyhow, He stuck these two goofy humans who don't really understand much, in with two special trees. One tree got fruit if you eat it you get a whole lot smarter. The other has fruit that gives them a real long life. Then He tells these poor slobs they can't eat from either tree. It was stuff like that what made me go with the boss in fighting the Enemy. I mean, hey, a little torture, baby.

But the boss tells me to get the humans to eat the fruit what makes them smarter. I dunno if he thinks that makes them hate the Enemy or what, but it's sure to get them in trouble, from the threats the Enemy gave with the orders to leave the trees alone. So I go in and start arguing with the humans when the Enemy ain't paying no attention.

So this goofball human says to me that he's already smart enough, especially smart enough not to get the Enemy as mad at him as He is at me and mine. Like I need this guff! I get a little ticked, like who wouldn't, huh? I say so you wouldn't wanna live like a few hundred million years. Think of all the learning you can do in just a million years. Bingo! His wife is still promoting the knowledge fruit, and this human character grabs the fruit off the life tree, it's a persimmon, but he doesn't care.

When the Enemy comes back, both the humans hide, but He spotted right away there was fruit missing. Boy, is He ever wrothful! That ain't my word, it's His. And He says the strangest damn thing I still don't understand. "They were to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge." What is this crap? He banned them from both trees, and He's blaming me for getting them to eat from the wrong tree? One of us is nuts, and I don't see no squirrels begging around me.

Well, the Enemy goes after the humans, but He can't kill them, and not just 'cause He's too lazy to wipe 'em and start with a new creation. Nah, they ate from the Tree of Life, and they are sure as the Sun's gonna rise tomorrow gonna be around for like many millions of years. And how much can even a dumb slob like a human learn in that kinda time? Why, here we are just six thousand years since that rotten meal that got me in trouble with both the boss and the Enemy, and the miserable humans are next to immortal and learning far too much.

They still got no powers, but now they got something they call science, and they can be a destructive as the boss and as creative as the Enemy. The Enemy is still totally raging. He says they were supposed to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, and get all upset they were naked. Makes no sense to me. I mean, the human female ain't bad naked. And they are putting the rabbits to shame, which is pretty good at an age of 6000 or so. And all their kids are banging away. Maybe that's what got the Enemy all upset. He created two humans, and in six thousand years they've created about four billion, and are talking about building spaceships and colonizing other planets.

The boss at least has calmed down. Says my mistake has ticked off the Enemy more than his plan would have, and if the humans do hit other planets, nobody, neither the Enemy or us, will be able to control them. Now there's a scary thought!


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