by Thomas Wm. Hamilton
Announcer: And now, the newest and hottest game
show! Stay tuned for Who Wants To Live Forever!
Announcer: Here's our host, Digley O'Dell!
O'Dell: Thanks, Rob. Who's our first
Announcer: Our first contest is Sam Slurch of
Flushing, New York. He wants to win a new heart.
O'Dell: Welcome to Who Wants to Live Forever,
Contestant: Thanks, Mr. O'Dell.
O'Dell: Call me Digley.
Contestant: You got it, Digley.
O'Dell: Let's get right into our game. The
first question carries a prize of free shots for flu for life. The penalty
for a wrong answer is being barred for life from ever being able to use aspirin.
Contestant: That's okay, Digley, I don't get
headaches or hangovers.
[audience: laughter and applause]
O'Dell: Who was the third President of the
Contestant: Thomas Jefferson.
O'Dell: Right! You have free flu shots
forever, and can keep on using aspirin!
[triumphal music plays; audience: applause]
O'Dell: Are you ready to play another round?
Contestant: Fire away, Digley.
O'Dell: The prize here is a free appendectomy if
you ever need one, and the penalty is you can't have an appendectomy if you ever
Contestant: That's getting a bit more serious,
but let's play.
O'Dell: I love a courageous man. What's
the capital of Morocco?
Contestant: Uhhh. Algiers?
[funeral music; audience boos]
O'Dell: You lose. Hope those flu shots
keep your appendix healthy.
Announcer: Our next contestant is Mabel Flurbmeister. She hopes to
win big so she can get a cure for what ails her.
O'Dell: Welcome to Who Wants to Live Forever, Mabel.
Contestant: Thanks, Digley.
O'Dell: The prize here is a cochlear implant if your hearing goes
bad. The penalty is you won't be allowed to get a hearing aid if you
answer wrong. Where is the Kamchatka Peninsula?
Contestant: That's easy, Digley. It dangles off the Pacific coast of
Siberia, north of Japan.
[triumphal music] O'Dell: Good enough, Mabel. [audience
O'Dell: Are you ready for the next question?
Contestant: Sure, Digley, fire away.
O'Dell: An interesting choice of words in view of the next question
and its reward and penalty. The reward is complete medical coverage
if you are ever shot or stabbed. The penalty is you are taken from the
studio and a random member of the audience will be given a .38 calber
revolver and offered the opportunity to shoot you from twenty meters away.
Contestant: You can't scare me!
O'Dell: Great. Name a major language spoken in Sri Lanka.
Contestant: That would be Sinhalese and Tamil.
O'Dell: Both major languages! Wow, you know your stuff, and you're a
great show off. [audience laughter and applause]
O'Dell: Are you ready for the next question?
Contestant: Go ahead.
O'Dell: Having answered two questions correctly earns you a
lifeline. If you need help, from now on you can ask the audience to vote,
call a friend, or ask our expert. Today's expert is a former contestant
who answered ten straight questions correctly, earning a brain transplant into a
younger clone. Who wrote "Peter Pan"?
Contestant: J. M. Barrie.
[triumphal music; audience cheers]
O'Dell: We'll be keeping those medical people busy with your
prizes! Who wrote the libretto for "Cosi fan Tutti"? The
prize is a free lung transplant. The penalty is you provide one square
meter of skin for transplant.
Contestant: I'll take the lifeline for calling the expert.
O'Dell: Ooh, using a lifeline costs you a pint of blood. Nurse!
[Nurse comes out, hooks up device for taking a blood donation.]
O'Dell: Would you happen to know your blood type?
O'Dell: That's okay, it will be checked, and if clean, some patient will
get it. So, here's our expert, now that we have your blood. Felix
Flugelhorn, our contestant wants to know who was the librettist for "Cosi
Flugelhorn: I think that was Lorenzo Da Ponte.
Contestant: How sure are you?
Flugelhorn: About 90%.
Contestant: Gooood enough. I'll say Da Ponte.
[triumphal music, with a hint of Mozart]
O'Dell: Good answer. And now a brief break. We'll be right
back with our final question for this contestant.
[commercial; followed by theme music]
O'Dell: Our final question for Mabel Flurbmeister has a reward of medical
treatment for any broken bones. The penalty for a wrong answer will cost
you the proverbial arm and a leg.
Contestant: Don't keep me waiting, Digley.
O'Dell: Hah. Where is Gondwanaland.
Contestant: Umm. It's part of India.
O'Dell: Wrong. [funeral music; audience groans] Take her away.
[Three husky men come out, grab the contestant, who tries to duck. She is
dragged off stage. Loud screams are heard.]
O'Dell: We have time for one more contestant. Farley Frawley is a
college student hoping to become an architect. In his spare time he helps
build emergency housing for the homeless and handicapped. Let's give
a big hand to Farley. [audience applause]
Contestant: Thank you, Mr. O'Dell.
O'Dell: Just call me Digley.
Contestant: Yes, sir, Digley. [audience laughter. O'Dell mugs
O'Dell: Who developed orgone therapy boxes? A correct answer gets
free arthritis treatment; an incorrect answer will cost you your left eye.
Flurbmeister [rolls and hunches herself onto the stage, and screams at the
Contestant]: Stop! It's not worth it. You're young and
healthy. Go home now!
[four husky men come out and drag her off by her one arm and one leg]
Contestant: Gee, that's kind of nerve-wracking. But I took a psych
course, so it's Wilhelm Reich.
[triumphal music; fading into theme as O'Dell says]: Great work. I
hope you can come back tomorrow to continue to play Who Wants To Live Forever?