Day Of The Dubya
to Brothers Incorporated
By David Atwell
an Alternate History Bar
It was a seedy bar in downtown New York.
It was not an overly busy bar, but it had a dozen or so customers currently
present. A would-be singer, John Ashcroft, was trying Karaoke to an unimpressed
audience. “Why don’t you try Kamikaze!” yelled one of the hard pressed
Ignoring the singer & his hecklers,
two customers were sitting at table to the rear of the bar, away from everyone
else, quietly chatting between themselves. Both were in their 50s. One had a
large black moustache. The other wore glasses.
“I don’t know,” said the glasses
man, “you just can’t do it.”
“Why?” asked the moustache man.
“It’s the law. You have to be born
in America”, the glasses man replied.
“How ridiculous. I can come to
America, do whatever I want, pay my taxes, but I can’t become President. So
much for the American Dream” the moustache man almost spat.
“Well the law can be changed. I hear
they might do it for Schwarzenegger. I know for a fact that he wants the job. So
you might indeed have your dream fulfilled” informed the glasses man.
“Allah be praised!” gestured the
“But Saddam, you might want to lose
the moustache. It won’t go down well with the voters”, advised the glasses
“Ah! What do they know?” protested
Saddam. “I can give them the mother of all presidents & all they care
about is my moustache?”
“I’m afraid so. Americans are very
particular when it comes to facial hair, even with a great moustache as yours”
explained the glasses man.
“You’re a comic, Ali. I’m not
shaving off my moustache!” announced Saddam.
“Well, then, not even the Democrats
will consider you as a candidate” Comical Ali pointed out.
“They’re too soft anyway. I want to
be a Republican! You get to kick ass as a Republican” declared Saddam.
“Well, you still have to shave the
moustache, especially if you want to be a Republican” warned Ali.
“But I’ll look stupid without it. It
makes me look manly. Besides, I’ve had this moustache almost all my life”
“It also makes you look like one of
the Village People, if you know what I mean” suggested Ali.
“It does? Which one?” asked a curious Saddam.
“Yes. I see what you mean. So an idiot
for President is fine, but everything else is out?” asked a sarcastic Saddam.
“Well not everything is out. Just shave off the moustache” advised Ali without offering any other information.
It did not take long before the NSA had
finished analysing the taped conversation between Saddam & Ali. Both had
been targeted a few years earlier as potential enemies of the United States, but
that was only after both had gained citizenship.
“So what do you make of that
conversation?” asked the NSA supervisor.
“I think you’re being paranoid again
boss” was the reply of the chief analyst. No one else spoke.
“This is not about me blowing up
expensive spy satellites” protested the supervisor.
“Or claiming that there are green
aliens floating around in orbit?” asked a female agent.
“You know they exist. Ask anyone else
who was in the room at the time. KH-18 clearly recorded everything” stated the
“Pity it’s all highly classified.
And that’s besides no-one can find the files which you talk about” pointed
out the analyst.
“It’s not my fault that they’ve
lost the files,” complained the supervisor. “I know what I saw. Besides the
fact I got one of their spaceships. What’s more important is that the aliens
“All anyone knows is that you
destroyed a multi-billion dollar spy satellite” claimed the female agent.
Another agent added “And all because
you said that these green aliens gave you the finger.”
“Look!” shouted an angry supervisor,
“forget the green aliens! We have a possible threat to national security here.
Should we be looking further into Saddam’s intentions about the Presidency?”
“Well, to be honest boss, leaving
aside I think you need another psych evaluation, why should we worry about this
Saddam? Just look at that moustache he has. He does look like a member of the
Village People. Other than Village People fans, who else is going to vote for
him?” reasoned the analyst.
“And what if he shaves it off as Ali
suggested?” asked the supervisor.
“Well he might,” started an agent
with a moustache, “but you grow attached to them. It’s as if it becomes an
arm or a leg. So it becomes an extremely hard effort to shave one off.”
“And you’re the expert on that?”
inquired an amused analyst.
“Take a guess, moron,” an unamused
moustached agent said whilst flicking the bird, “analyse this!”
“This gets us no where” interrupted
“Look” said the agent with the
moustache, “having one myself, whilst also being a psychoanalyst, I can say
that it’s an 80% probably that he’ll keep the moustache. If so, there’s no
chance he’ll survive the nomination process, let alone get elected
President.” There was a collective nod of heads throughout the room.
The supervisor was not as certain.
“But if he runs anyway?”
“Other than the fact that we’ll have
a few interesting characters this time around, which will make things
entertaining for once, there’s still the situation with the Constitution. He
can’t hide the fact that he’s foreign born” observed the female agent.
“Maybe I am paranoid. Let’s drop it
then” suggested the supervisor more than ordered.
Several agents answered by
‘doodling’ the theme to Twilight Zone, to which the supervisor yelled in
protest “There are green aliens I swear!
in the Original Time Line
“Hey Laura, honey, the TV is busted” said Dubya whilst sitting in his armchair in the entertainment room.
“It’s called Rugby. And it’s not
stupid” protested Dubya.
“Just because you’re President Elect
doesn’t mean a thing to me George. I know who you really are. There are no
secrets from me.”
“Maybe so, but can you phone the
repair guy please, honey?” asked Dubya.
“No. You’ve got two hands. Phone
them yourself if you want to watch you’re stupid game” advised Laura.
“Just great, I’ll do it myself
then” mumbled Dubya to himself as he started to play with the television set.
After a few seconds of silence, Laura
became deeply worried. “George? What are you doing?”
“Nothing” said Dubya awkwardly
whilst he probed the television.
“You’re not trying to fix the TV are
you?” Laura warned more than asked.
“No hon. I’m not touching the TV.
I’m walking over to the phone to call the repair guy” replied Dubya as he
began pulling on a wire at the back of the television.
“The phone in here doesn’t show that
you’re using the line, George. What are you doing in there?” Laura demanded
“Nothing. I’m about to use the phone
right now. I needed to get the number first” Dubya reasoned as he pulled
harder & harder on the wire.
“I hope you’re not anywhere near
that TV when I enter that room George Dubya Bush!”
Laura’s attempt at intervention was too late. Just as she entered the room a loud explosion came from the television. At the same time the lights of the house flickered several times & then went out, whilst the entertainment room filled with smoke. Before Laura Bush could call anyone for help, she saw her husband laying on the floor on the opposite side of the room. She screamed. It appeared that the President Elect of the United States was dead.
to an Alternate World
Dubya awoke sitting in a chair. In front
of him the television had Arnold Schwarzenegger blazing away with an assault
rifle of some description. Several bad guys, one could only presume, were being
riddled with bullets & falling over dead. And with that, Schwarzenegger,
turned towards the camera & said “I’m back!”
“Hey bro?” asked Jeb, “I can’t
believe this jerk is serious.”
“Why is that Jeb?” replied Dubya
without even realising that he was no longer in his entertainment room with a
burnt out television.
“He wants to become President”
“Well he can’t. I’ve already got
the job” announced Dubya not knowing that things had changed.
“Aren’t you the confident one. Here
we are, still a year to go in the campaign, & you’ve already won”
“Oh no. Not again!” yelled Dubya now
that it had dawned upon him what had happened.
“What’s wrong with you moron?”
“Nothing. It’s just that I blew up a
TV & now I’m here” answered Dubya.
“What are you talking about bro? There
isn’t any busted TV. You walked in the house an hour ago & sat your fat
ass in that chair” explained Jeb.
“It’s a long story Jeb. And it’s
better I not tell it” suggested Dubya.
“You’re not doing cocaine again I
hope” stated a concerned Jeb.
“No. Nothing like that at all” Dubya
defended himself. “Don’t worry about it. So how’s my campaign looking?”
“Too early to tell. Depends what
happens over the ‘controversial Presidential contenders’, as the media calls
them” reported Oli.
“What controversial contenders?”
“Don’t you ever watch the news or
listen to what we tell you? Idiot!” snapped Oli.
“Sometimes” replied Dubya
“I swear, you’ll be lucky not to end
up in jail for fraud. I can’t believe the Republicans actually think you’re
serious with your nomination bid” screamed Oli.
“Cool it dude,” Jeb said to Oli,
“you know he can be slow sometimes.”
“I resent that bro” complained Dubya.
“So sue me moron. Listen up. There are
two of these ‘controversial contenders’ that Oli was talking about. The
first is the one and only Arnold Schwarzenegger. The other is some mysterious
businessman called Saddam Hussien. Both are immigrants. That’s their problem
& a bonus for us.”
“Why for us?” a confused Dubya
wanted to know.
“Because the Constitution says so. Only citizens born on American territory can become the President” Jeb declared.
“The only problem though,” Oli
added, “is that Congress is seriously looking at an amendment so that Arnie
here can have a chance at being elected”
“Just great. It’s bad enough already
without Mr Everyone Loves Me Steroid Freak wanting my job” announced Dubya.
“Hasta la vista, baby”
Schwarzenegger said ominously on the television after shooting down the main bad
“Get that moron off of there!”
demanded Dubya whilst pointing at the Terminator.
No one gave a second thought about Saddam.
“Before we vote on the Constitutional
Amendment, is there anyone else who has something to say?” asked the Speaker
of the House. Several Representatives jumped to their feet at once. “Mr
Rumsfeld has the floor”
“I wish to add an Amendment to the
Amendment Mr Speaker” announced Rumsfeld.
“Sit down Ronald!” shouted a
“My name isn’t Ronald! Mr Speaker I
demand to be spoken to by my real name” demanded Rumsfeld.
“Will members of the House please
refrain from calling Mr Rumsfeld ‘Ronald McDonald the clown’ or I will
instruct the Sergeant-At-Arms to remove you” warned the Speaker.
“That’s an infringement upon the 1st
Amendment Mr Speaker & you know it!” cried another Democrat.
“Nonetheless there are House Rules
& calling Mr Rumsfeld ‘Ronald McDonald’, ‘Clown’, or any other
abbreviations &/or slurs relating to the aforementioned names is against
these Rules” replied the Speaker.
“Here, here” a large number of
Republicans agreed, followed by “Everyone has the right to speak, not just
Democrats” a Republican member shouted.
“Amazing! When did Republicans get the
gift of speech?” laughed a Democrat.
“Order, order in the House!”
demanded the Speaker. Upon getting control, the Speaker offered, “Now back to
you Mr Rumsfeld.”
“Thank you Mr Speaker. I wish my
Amendment, to the Constitutional Amendment to be, & I quote, ‘… that this Amendment only applies to people born in the
nation of Australia’, sorry that should read
Austria, ‘in the period after
the year 1945’.”
“Are you serious Mr Rumsfeld?” asked
a dumbfounded Speaker.
“Yes Mr Speaker. Many people, well one
actually, have lobbied me pointing out, quite rightly, that only people from Austria
are worthy of being eligible for the Presidency of
the United States” replied a serious Rumsfeld.
“And what of the American People?
Aren’t they eligible too?” inquired an equally dumbfounded Democrat House
“Some of them, but not all of them.
Maybe I should add that limitation to my Amendment to the Constitutional
Amendment as well” said Rumsfeld.
“Mr Speaker, clearly Mr Rumsfeld is
clearly here to waste everyone’s time with this nonsense” cried the same
“This is as serious as I get
serious” defended Rumsfeld.
After a few seconds of deep thought, the
Speaker announced, “Sit down Mr Ronald McDonald. One more word out of you
& I’ll have you removed from the House for the continuation of this
The 28th Constitutional Amendment eventually passed through Congress. Within a month of doing so, the States had given their consent to it as well. Anyone, as long as they were a citizen of the United States, regardless of where they were originally born, could now run for President. Needless to say, Schwarzenegger & Saddam were now legitimate Presidential contenders.
The Road Again
A week is a long time in politics, as
they say. Dubya could not believe it. In a short period of time, he went from
the most promising of the Republican Presidential Nominees, to being number
“What town are we in this time?”
inquired Dubya whilst looking out the window of his campaign coach.
“Where in Portland, Maine” answered
“Portland! Maine! What the hell are we
doing here?” demanded a concerned Dubya.
“What’s wrong with him?” Oli asked
“We once lived here” said Jeb.
“Yeah, and we, the entire family, were
once chased out of here,” added a worried Dubya.
“Well who’s fault’s that moron?”
Jeb stated more than asked.
“He’s fault is it?” observed Oli.
“It wasn’t my fault. I was only
eight at the time & you can’t be held responsible for anything you do when
you’re eight,” protested Dubya. “But the people of Portland thought
otherwise. And here we are back again. I feel like I’m about to get shot or
“It was a very long time ago” said
Jeb as the coach pulled into the carpark selected for Dubya’s rally.
“Look! There are lots of people here
waiting for you Dubya” announced Oli.
“Yeah, & they don’t look overly
friendly” replied Dubya as eggs started to hit the coach.
At the same time the waiting crowd could
be heard chanting “Kill Dubya!” over & over again.
“You’re one popular dude in
Portland, Dubya. Anywhere else in Maine we can go without getting killed?” Oli
wanted to know.
“What do you want me to do guys?”
the bus drive, Colin Powell, asked.
“Get us out of here fast!” ordered
Powell put the peddle to the metal. The
coach took off with much power bouncing around through the carpark. Pedestrians
& protesters dived for safety in all directions. Thankfully no one was hurt.
“Get off me moron!” Oli shouted at
“I couldn’t help it with all the
jerking” defended Dubya.
“The only one jerking around here is
you” yelled Oli.
“Why don’t you get off the bus &
shoot a few of those protesters if you want to let go of your frustration,”
Dubya yelled back at Oli.
“No chance. They look real mean. You
must have really pissed off these people” Oli said showing a little fear in
“Where to?” asked Powell.
“Anywhere but Maine!” ordered Dubya.
“What a hole! I’m glad we got booted out of this dump.”
“Home to Texas wouldn’t be a bad
idea” Jeb informed Powell.
Republican Nominee Debate
“Over the years, one country has been
a thorn in the side of America. Iran, however, now claims that it is changing,
becoming more open. If so, how would you respond if President?” asked the
debate chairwoman, Condoleezza Rice, to the three Republican candidates.
All three tried to answer at once.
Needless to say, this got nowhere. Although it had been agreed upon that
Schwarzenegger would answer questions first, followed by Dubya & Saddam,
obviously this had been forgotten in the heat of battle. Rice interrupted
“Please, all of you. Remember the rules to the debate. Now, Mr Schwarzenegger
if you could reply first.”
“I wouldn’t believe a word they
said. We should have gone to war with Iran years ago & rescue the hostages.
These are people you can only reason with while holding a gun at their heads”
Schwarzenegger answered while hitting his lectern with his right fist trying to
make an important point.
“There is a country called Iran? What
hostages?” asked Dubya.
“Iran is the enemy of the country of
my birth. They are also the enemy of my country of choice. I say we nuke the
bastards here & now!” decreed Saddam whilst waving his hands around in a
“Ok” said a concerned Rice. “There
are many poor within our borders. What is your policy towards these fellow
“Declare them all Mexicans & send
them to Mexico” suggested Schwarzenegger.
“I don’t know. Give them a dollar in
their begging bowels I guess” reasoned Dubya.
“Have them conscripted into the army
& then conquer the world before the Iranians do” shouted Saddam as if he
were a coach trying to motivate a football team.
“I see, we’ll move onto moral
attitudes” announced a bemused Rice. “There has been recent moves to
legalise same sex marriages. What
are your personal thoughts on the matter?”
“A homosexual marriage should only be
between a man and a woman. We should remember that marriage is an old tradition
and should not be misconstrued regardless of the quirks of the age” argued
“I think there should be a
Constitutional Amendment safeguarding what Arnie just said” suggested Dubya
indicating that he agreed with Schwarzenegger on this matter.
“I’ve been compared to the Village
People. This makes me very popular. As a result I will support these same sex
marriages if the Village People do, as I want to make America strong so we can
take over the world” Saddam stated in an excited fashion. “Then everyone
will have same sex marriages, because the Village People want them too!”
A nonplussed Rice asked the next
question nevertheless. “There has been numerous claims about sexual harassment
during the campaign so far, in particular groping. What are your responses
“I swear I did not grope anyone who
didn’t want to be groped” defended Schwarzenegger to a cynical chairman.
Dubya cut in, not wanting to be left
out, “I swear I’m willing to be groped, but not by him” whilst pointing at
“I want to see America grope the
entire world,” Saddam stated calmly.
“And now the final question,” a
thankful Rice announced, “there has been much discussion about electoral
funding. What are your thoughts on the matter?”
“I’m a billionaire thanks to all the
money that I’ve made from my movies. I can truly say I don’t need any
handouts from people as I can fund myself. I’m even prepared to put into
legislation that candidates should get no funds from anywhere except from
one’s own resources. It would make my re-election campaign much easier”
“I need the money” is all Dubya
could think of to say.
“Large companies should support
candidates with as much money as possible, so that the mother of all leaders, in
other words myself, can be elected President. This will assure that, not only
will they get large government contracts, & the like, but then I can carry
out my plans for a world dominated by America” yelled a maniacal Saddam.
At this point, before Rice could say
anything, Schwarzenegger cut in “You know what Saddam, you’re one crazy
towel head. What’s with all this world domination crap? Get a life you
“You think you’re so hot Mr Mother
of all Steroids! I’ll show you, Mr Hitler butt breath” shouted an angry
Saddam as he picked up his lectern & threw it across the studio at
Rice & Dubya dived for cover as
Schwarzenegger was about to return the favour of lectern throwing to Saddam.
America watched on it total fascination as the debate started to get interesting
for once. But the television broadcast was cut before the audience could see
Schwarzenegger & Saddam slugging it out before stage hands could stop the
fight. Not long afterwards the phone lines, at television stations which were
broadcasting the debate, rang hot with viewers complaining about the sudden
debate blackout. They demanded to see the fight. Some even threatened to take
legal action for missing the Schwarzenegger/Saddam slugfest.
“This doesn’t look too good for
us” Jeb said whilst reading the New York
Post. “It clearly shows us trailing everywhere.”
“You mean Arnie & me?” asked
“No, just you Dubya. Arnie’s polling
is looking very good” stated Jeb.
“Does it have a good photo of me at
least?” Dubya almost pleaded.
“Nope. But it does have one of you
hiding under the stage during the debate fight” replied Jeb.
“They still running that story? That
was six months ago” Oli added.
“Schwarzenegger says here that he’ll
stand by his decision in offering you the VP job if he’s elected. He says
‘If I had a choice between Saddam & Dubya, it’s obvious to all Americans
I’d choose Dubya any day’” read Jeb.
“That’s nice of him,” Dubya
“Well you didn’t throw a lectern at
him followed by a few fists. Plus you make him look intelligent” observed Oli.
“Anything to for the party. It was
better that or get no votes at all. And there’s still the chance that I could
get the top job if anything happens to Arnie,” concluded Dubya.
“It says here that Mom says
‘you’re a bad boy for saying that her cooking is awful’” Jeb read again.
“I’ve got to agree with Dubya on
that one, Jeb” Oli put in.
“Well it’s true. Hang on, I said her
cooking is ‘dreadful’, not ‘awful’” protested Dubya.
“Well it says ‘awful’ here, not
‘dreadful’. But I don’t think there’s much of a distinction between the
two words regardless what you actually said, bro” reasoned Jeb.
“Guess who’s gonna get it next time
Mom’s around” Oli laughed.
“Don’t they say anything good about
me?” asked Dubya.
“Nope, but they love Arnie” was
Jeb’s quick reply.
“Swell. Well how’s his polling anyway?” inquired Dubya.
“It’s hovering around fifty,
depending which poll you believe. But that’s more than enough because Saddam
has gone independent. Believe it or not he’s getting ten points. That’s
double the Green’s vote” announced Jeb.
“You mean that Saddam is getting
votes?” asked a concerned Oli.
“Yep. The world’s a crazy place”
“It certainly is, considering
they’ll vote for Arnie & not for me. Hell, even Mr Village People gets
more votes than me” cried Dubya. “So does Arnie want me to do any Vice
President election stuff?”
“Not a thing. All he wants you to do,
if you are out & about, is to stand still & smile. Nothing else”
informed Oli. “And I’ve been told, if you do try to do anything else, I can
“Swell” Dubya said as he turned on
the television. A picture of Schwarzenegger
appeared a few seconds later.
“I’ll be back” said the Terminator. Dubya screamed in utter frustration.
Fight at the DC Coral
“I, Arnold Schwarzenegger, do solemnly
swear,” the Chief Justice began to say. But before Schwarzenegger could
answer, there was a clear problem taking place near the ceremony platform. Soon
Saddam, along with several of his bodyguards, had forced their way through the
police line armed with assault rifles.
“You’re never going to be Da Man,
Schwarzenegger” shouted Saddam.
Schwarzenegger, always at the ready,
jumped off the platform whilst pulling out a 9mm pistol from under his coat.
Meanwhile, the President’s body guards reacted in a similar fashion to their
boss & took aim at the threat before them. “You’re going down Suddam.”
“Only in one of your wet dreams, Mr
Steroid Freak” after which Saddam commenced firing.
People immediately fell to the ground
everywhere, including Dubya & Jeb. Soon, men on both sides were cut down as
bullets flew back & forth. Schwarzenegger, however, was missed by all &
The same could not be said for Saddam.
Having emptied his magazine of bullets, Saddam tried to load a new one in order
to continue the gun fight.
Immediately Schwarzenegger realised that
he now had a chance. Pointing his
pistol carefully at Saddam, he said “Hasta la vista, baby!”
“I’ll be back!” yelled a defiant
Saddam who was still fiddling with his rifle.
“Only on the TV news reports, towel
head” whereupon Schwarzenegger pulled the trigger.
Saddam was hit in the middle of his
chest & was toppled over by the force of the bullet. He laid there surprised
that he was still alive. Schwarzenegger, thinking that the battle was over,
started to wave to the audience which began to cheer Schwarzenegger’s victory.
Saddam, however, was far from cheering.
Getting hold of a LAWS short range anti-tank rocket, which he had strung over
his shoulder prior to his attack, he took careful aim at Schwarzenegger &
fired. Saddam lived just long enough to watch Schwarzenegger’s body explode
when the warhead of the rocket impacted upon the President Elect’s buttocks.
With the resulting explosion, everyone
dived to the ground once again not knowing what was next. Soon, when the silence
suggested that the battle was over, people began to look around.
Dubya’s day had come, even though he
was shocked by the aftermath of the explosion as was everyone else. But before
anything else took place Dubya mumbled out loud, although to no one in
particular, “Does this make me President?”
An equally shocked Jeb replied, “I
guess it does bro,” to which Dubya fainted.
Jeb’s attempt to wake Dubya up finally
succeeded. “See, I told you Laura, the bucket of water over the face trick
always works for George”
“Oh man. What happened?” asked Dubya
looking up at a crowd of concerned faces.
“It looks like you blew up the TV,
George. Laura here thought you were dead” explained Jeb.
“Oh honey. I’ll never do that
again” declared a remorseful Dubya.
“Dubya, you’re a stupid shit, even
if you are going to be President” was all Laura Bush could say. Everyone else
grinned in amusement.
Yes indeed, realised Dubya, he was back in the real world once more.