AH.COM
WARS

Written by Tom Anderson

EPISODE I:
THE DISAPPOINTING PREQUEL

Turmoil has engulfed the Boardwide Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute. WTF?! I thought this was supposed to be an AH.com Wars film with laser guns and space battles, not a bloody treatise on macro-economics…
Anyway, hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, presumably as opposed to the perfectly harmless variety of battleship we’re all familiar with, er…where was I? Oh yes…the greedy World Trade Organisation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Najoisey.
While the Senate of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Kitjedi Knights, the guardians of peace, justice and really off-colour jokes in the Board, to settle the conflict…

EXT. – SPACE – STARFIELD

Pan down to reveal a small, bright red space cruiser heading towards the camera at high speed. It zips past, just giving us time to notice big RAF-type roundels on the side…although these have the numerals ‘50’, ‘25’ and ‘10’ written in the centre and each outlying band…there is also a logo which looks rather like a tombstone, with the acronym R.I.P. on it, and underneath the words ‘Republic Investigative Police’. On the bow, the ship’s name is painted: Doumèd.

The ship shoots past and we follow it as it heads towards the beautiful green (or polluted grey, depending on whom you believe ) planet of Najoisey. Surrounding the planet are dozens of large World Trade Organisation battleships, each shaped like a fried egg.

INT. – DOUMÈD – COCKPIT

Inside the cockpit of the small cruiser, we see female CAPTAIN CAMISAROJO and male CHIEF PILOT ROTTHEMD at the controls, while sitting behind them are two figures sitting in shadow. Both officers are wearing uniforms consisting of black trousers with red shirts, the target-like roundel over their hearts, and a shoulder mission patch with the tombstone-like symbol and the R.I.P. lettering. CAMISAROJO is looking through a packet labelled ‘Congratulations upon winning the Galactic Lottery’ and ROTTHEMD has pulled out a small engagement ring box and is looking at it meditatively.

We hear a voice of one of the unseen figures behind them.

VOICE
Captain?

CAMISAROJO
(putting down her packet)
Yes, sir?

VOICE
Tell them we wish to board at once.

CAMISAROJO
Yes, sir.

CAMISAROJO glances to one side, where a very staticky hologram of a figure is being projected.

CAMISAROJO
(to hologram)
With all due respect for the World Trade
Organisation, the Ambassadors for the Supreme
Chancellor wish to board immediately.

HOLOGRAM
(bad Japanese accent)
Yes, yes, of course, ahh, as you
know, our brockade is perfectry regal,
and we’d be happy to leceive the
Am-bassa-dur!...happy to.

The hologram goes out. Through the cockpit windows, the lead fried egg battleship, the Cholesterol, looms ever nearer. CAMISAROJO and ROTTHEMD shiver; the two unseen silhouettes seem unmoved.

EXT. – CHOLESTEROL – DOCKING BAY

The small Doumèd docks in the huge bay of the great Cholesterol.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – DOCKING BAY

A leftwinger political, TIELHARD, is there to meet them. He looks much less battered than when we saw him in Episode VI.

The Doumèd’s doors come down and the two shadowy figures, still hidden within great cloaks, walk down the ramp.

TIELHARD
I am Tielhard and I shall take
you to the Viceroy.

Suggestion of a nod from one of the figures but no other reaction. TIELHARD turns and walks off down the hallway, the others following.

TIELHARD
I’m sure we can sort this dreadful
situation out. This sort of capitalist
exploitation really makes me sick.
(he tuts)
Why can’t they use this fleet for
something more worthwhile, like
(his eyes light up)
WIPING ISRAEL OFF THE MAP!!

The two hooded figures glance at each other and we get the impression they are rolling their eyes.

The trio reach the door to a room. TIELHARD opens the door and then bows to them.

TIELHARD
I hope you shall be comfortable here.
The Viceroy will be with you shortly.

The two hooded figures walk into the room and the door shuts behind them. Left alone in the corridor, TIELHARD relaxes.

TIELHARD
(muttering)
I have got to get a new gig.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – CONFERENCE ROOM

The room has a large wooden table surrounded by chairs, and a huge window that shows a dramatic view of green or possibly grey Najoisey below, plus a view of two other nearby fried-egg battleships.

TALLER FIGURE
I feel strangely aroused by this.

SHORTER FIGURE
(amusedly)
You feel strangely aroused by everything,
my young Paddywack.

The two figures lower their hoods to reveal they are, of course, DOCTOR-WHAT LOMBARDI and SI-ON EWIG. DOCTOR WHAT is about twenty-five, with an enormous afro that only just fits inside the hood of his cloak and is responsible for his supposed height before – he is actually shorter than SIONEWIG if you don’t count hair. SIONEWIG sports a ponytail and beard of silver hair and has an oddly perceptive twinkle to his eyes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Master, how do you think the
trade viceroy will deal with the
Chancellor’s demands?

SIONEWIG
I don’t know. Shall we have
a half-hour exposition on the
intricacies of Galactic trade?

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay!!

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – BRIDGE

The bridge is a large circular room, manned mostly by politicals plugged into the systems, with only a few living crewmembers. In the centre are a series of ostentatious couches and other furnishings. Standing right in the middle, being fanned by two politicals with punkhas, are the World Trade Organisation Viceroy HENDRYK and the Cholesterol’s captain, GAIJIN.

As these two talk, they do so in bad Chinese and Japanese-accented English and the words do not quite match up with the movements of their mouths, as though they have been badly dubbed.

HENDRYK
Wha? Wha you say?

GAIJIN
Somebody set us up the bomb.
The ambassadors are Kitjedi Knights.

HENDRYK
Its them!!

GAIJIN
(grimly)
All our base our belong to them.

A pause, then.

HENDRYK
(normally; to ‘camera’)
Look, do we have to talk like this?
It’s very offensive to what is after
all the oldest civilisation in the world, and-

THANDE
(VO)
Shut up and keep singsonging.
After all, this film is made purely for the
American market, it’s not like there are
any AH.com Wars fans in the Far East
we could possibly offend!
(THANDE laughs to himself)
Hee…the very thought!
Action!

HENDRYK
(shaking his head)
I mean…
Hyoo! Gho distlact sem while
I contact…Darss Politicus!

GAIJIN
(recoils)
I’m not going in there with
two Kitjedi! We’re done for!

HENDRYK
Verywell!
But don’t come…clyingtome
if they…comelookingforus!

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – CONFERENCE ROOM

DOCTOR WHAT is holding one of those whiteboard easel things and is painstakingly writing a complex spider diagram on it with a big black marker pen. SIONEWIG looks on.

SIONEWIG
You forgot to apply the Caribbean Sector Tax
on those incomes from the cocoa shipments
out of Venezuela.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yes.
(hangs his head)
I am sorry, Master. I am too brash and impulsive.
And now I have missed a vital data point.

SIONEWIG
(shaking his head)
No, my young Paddywack.
It is still better than paralysed inaction, which
is what we have too much of these days.

DOCTOR WHAT nods thoughtfully and writes in the extra words on the diagram, then frowns at it and laughs.

DOCTOR WHAT
It reminds me of the old joke about the
thirteen-percentile inspection charges
on the Canada-Nyerzyland route…

SIONEWIG
(laughing)
Oh yes.
Isn’t economics fun?!!

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – BRIDGE

HENDRYK and GAIJIN stand before the hologram of DARTH POLITICUS, a figure wearing a black robe and a hood obscuring his head.

GAIJIN
This scheme…of yours…hasfailedLordPoriticus!
The brockade has failed! We dare not go up
against…these Kitjedi.

DARTH POLITICUS
You seem more worried about the Kitjedi
than you are of me, Gaijin.
I am…amused.

DARTH POLITICUS turns directly to the camera and pulls his hood back.

DARTH POLITICUS
(loudly)
AND IN CASE YOU MANAGED
TO MISS THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY
AND THE FACT THAT MY VOICE
IS THE SAME, YES I AM GRIMM REAPER!

The WTO people look nervously at each other.

DARTH POLITICUS
Now…Viceroy?

HENDRYK
Yes, Lord Politicus?

DARTH POLITICUS
(pointing at GAIJIN)
Get this coward out of my sight.

HENDRYK glares inscrutably at GAIJIN, who quivers and runs off the bridge.

DARTH POLITICUS
(continuing)
This turn of events is…unfortunate.
…you would think I would have been able to foresee it, but there you go…
We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy.
Begin landing your troops.

HENDRYK
Ahh, my Lord, is that legal?

DARTH POLITICUS
(cackling)
Who cares about the legality of a war these days?

HENDRYK and DARTH POLITICUS both pause and glance at the camera.

HENDRYK AND DARTH POLITICUS
(in their normal voices)
Note political subtext.

They return to their previous positions and voices.

HENDRYK
What shall we do with the Kitjedi?

DARTH POLITICUS
(idly)
Kill them immediately.

HENDRYK
Ye – yes my Lord. At once.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – DOCKING BAY

We see the parked Doumèd. As we watch, an interior gun turret begins to swing towards it.

INT. – DOUMÈD – COCKPIT

CAMISAROJO and ROTTHEMD look up and see the turret swinging around, seeming resigned.

BOTH, SINGING
It’s not easy being redshirts…

EXT. – CHOLSTEROL – DOCKING BAY

An external view of the docking bay – we see the gun fire, and the flaming debris of the Doumèd is blown out of the bay.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – CONFERENCE ROOM

DOCTOR WHAT and SIONEWIG have covered the entire room with big sheets of paper with brainstorms and flowcharts on them each detailing the economic situation of the Galaxy in progressively more detail. As we watch, SIONEWIG puts the finishing touch on a last sheet of paper and pins it into place.

SIONEWIG
That’s it.

DOCTOR WHAT
(his eyes scanning the walls)
Yes! Master, you’re a genius!
You’ve solved the entire economic crisis!

SIONEWIG
(winking)
With the Innuendo, all things are possible.
Now we just have to wait for those
WTO people to get here…

We hear a distant rumble and the floor shakes. A troubled expression crosses DOCTOR WHAT’s face.

DOCTOR WHAT
I felt a minor disturbance in the Innuendo,
like one or two walk-on characters crying out
in ennui and release.

SIONEWIG
Hmmm…

We hear a distant hiss.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m sorry, Master.

SIONEWIG
So you should be –
wait, no, that’s poison gas!

White clouds of smoke are billowing from the vents.

SIONEWIG
Quick, hold your breath!

DOCTOR WHAT
(puzzled)
But why don’t we use these
breathing masks that we just
happen to be carrying around
with us and we’ll be using in
a few scenes along to breathe underwater?

SIONEWIG
Because…
(hesitates, then taps his nose conspiratorially)
Because that’s exactly what they’re
expecting us to do.

DOCTOR WHAT
(admiring)
You’re so wise, Master.

The two hold their breath.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – HALLWAY

A hologram of GAIJIN, surrounded by BATTLE POLITICALS, is standing in the hallway outside the conference room door. The BATTLE POLITICALS are lanky beings with cyborg implants, including an enhanced vision monocular and laser pointer targeter wrapped around one side of their heads. They are carrying powerful-looking rifles.

GAIJIN
They must be dead by now.
(to BATTLE POLITICALS)
Brast them, what’s reft of them.

The doors open and a cloud of white smoke billows out. The BATTLE POLITICALS peer further inside, then two figures leap from the interior and cut them in half with the lashing blades of their electric pink Sexswords. Sparking chunks of political go flying everywhere. The hologram of GAIJIN looks on in horror, then SIONEWIG drives his Sexsword into the mobile projector and the hologram winks out with a pop of light.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – BRIDGE

GAIJIN recoils as his counterpart hologram dissolves into static. Alarms are blaring.

GAIJIN
How can…theydothis?

HENDRYK
(grimly)
Theyare…Kitjedi Knights.

GAIJIN
Seal off the bridge.

HENDRYK
That won’t…beenough.

GAIJIN
Then get me the specials up here now!

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – HALLWAY OUTSIDE BRIDGE

SIONEWIG and DOCTOR WHAT, with calm, dispassionate professionalism, hack a horde of BATTLE POLITICALS to shreds, occasionally pausing to deflect their sporadic laserfire back at them. DOCTOR WHAT raises his hand, uses the Innuendo and sends one Battle Political slamming into several others, toppling them like dominoes.

SIONEWIG fights his way to the bridge doors and begins cutting through them with his Sexsword.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – BRIDGE

The bridge is in turmoil, with more alarms going off. GAIJIN watches anxiously as the pink tip of SIONEWIG’s Sexsword begins to slice through the door.

GAIJIN
Crose the…brast doors!

A thicker door slides shut on top of the existing one. It holds for a moment, then it too begins to glow with heat.

GAIJIN
Impossible!

HENDRYK
(grimly)
Kitjedi.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – HALLWAY OUTSIDE BRIDGE

Both SIONEWIG and DOCTOR WHAT are engaged with cutting through the reinforced door. However, behind them we hear an odd clunking, ratcheting sound, getting nearer…DOCTOR WHAT glances over his shoulder and his eyes widen. He curses. SIONEWIG turns also and sees them as they come to a stop.

They’re three heavily armed and armoured battle politicals, equipped with powerful blasters and capable of rolling themselves along rapidly then deploying into a battle configuration. In fact, they are…

SIONEWIG
(cursing)
Roedeckers!

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
I think these negotiations are ended.

The two Kitjedi pull their Sexswords from the door and manage to bring them around to deflect the first round of bolts from the three ROEDECKERS. However, when they deflect the bolts back, they simply hit powerful shields wrapped around the politicals.

SIONEWIG
They’ve got shields!

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s go!

The two Kitjedi dash away down a side corridor, pursued by the ROEDECKERS who curl themselves back up into balls and roll after them at high speed.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – BRIDGE

HENDRYK
We have…them on the run now.
They are no…matchfor Loedeckers.

GAIJIN
(gleeful)
I knew we could do it!

HENDRYK sighs. A WTO subordinate, HELLOLEGEND looks up.

HELLOLEGEND
Hendryk-san, they have gone up the
ventilation shafts.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – DOCKING BAY

A much larger docking bay than the one we saw before. Hundreds of BATTLE POLITICALS are being loaded onto transports.

A ventilation grille is opened and DOCTOR WHAT and SIONEWIG drop out.

DOCTOR WHAT
(cackling)
Like a rat up a drainpipe!

SIONEWIG
(surveying the scene)
An invasion!
That’s out of character for the WTO.

DOCTOR WHAT
We have to warn the Najoiseyians.
And the Supreme Chancellor.

SIONEWIG
(nodding)
Let’s stow away aboard separate
ships and rendezvous down on the planet.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – BRIDGE

GAIJIN
(to HENDRYK)
Hendryk-san, we are receiving…
a transmission…from the pranet.
It’s Queen IronYuppie herself.

HENDRYK
Finally we…are getting somewhere.

The main screen shows an image of the young QUEEN IRONYUPPIE, surrounded by random HANDMAIDENS wearing Canadian Mountie outfits.

HENDRYK
Again you…come before me,
Your Majesty. The WTO is pleased.

IRONYUPPIE
You will not be pleased when you
hear what I have to say, Viceroy.
Your blockade of Najoisey is finished.

HENDRYK smirks at GAIJIN.

HENDRYK
I was not aware…of any such thing.

IRONYUPPIE
The Senate will soon vote on the matter.

HENDRYK
Pah! The outcome…is already pledetermined.

IRONYUPPIE
Enough of your bullshit!
The Ambassadors are with you now!
You’ve been commanded to reach a settlement!

HENDRYK
(inscrutable)
I know nosssing of any ambassadors.

IRONYUPPIE looks surprised and suspicious.

IRONYUPPIE
Beware, Viceroy. The WTO is going
too far this time.

HENDRYK
(smiling sickly)
Your Majesty, we would…never do
anything without the apploval of the Senate.

IRONYUPPIE
You’d better not.
Or I’ll rip your balls off and use them
as paperweight…for my less heavy
documents of state.

IRONYUPPIE’s image vanishes. GAIJIN glances at HENDRYK.

GAIJIN
Well?

HENDRYK
(thoughtfully)
It’s a tempting offer, but I’m not
budging until she offers tentacles as well.

GAIJIN
So we…proceed with…the attack?

HENDRYK
Indeed.
And begin the communications blackout.

EXT. – NAJOISEY – CAPITAL CITY

We get a view of the lovely/awful capital city of Najoisey, including the splendid/crappy royal palace.

INT. – NAJOISEY ROYAL PALACE – THRONE ROOM

QUEEN IRONYUPPIE, her HANDMAIDENS, GOVERNOR PSYCHOMELTDOWN and CAPTAIN THE SANDMAN are there, speaking with a hologram. We notice that the hologram is SENATOR GRIMM REAPER.

GRIMM REAPER
(winking at camera)
Yes, it’s me again folks!
I’m playing both sides against each other!!
In case it wasn’t blindingly obvious!!

IRONYUPPIE
Pardon, Senator?

GRIMM REAPER
(turns back to IRONYUPPIE)
Oh yes, sorry. What were you saying?

IRONYUPPIE
Viceroy Hendryk says the Ambassadors never arrived.

GRIMM REAPER
He’s lying, I have assurances from the
Chancellor that they did arrive. It must be-

GRIMM REAPER’s hologram dissolves into static.

IRONYUPPIE
Senator Reaper?
(turns to THE SANDMAN)
What’s happening?

THE SANDMAN checks his sensor device and frowns.

THE SANDMAN
I think it’s a jamming field.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(decisively)
That can mean only one thing: an invasion.

IRONYUPPIE
Don’t jump to conclusions, Governor.
The WTO would not dare go that far.

THE SANDMAN
The Senate would revoke their licensing.

IRONYUPPIE
Negotiations must continue.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Negotiations?! We’ve just lost communications!
Where are the Chancellor’s Ambassadors?!
How can we negotiate?!
We must be prepared to defend ourselves!

IRONYUPPIE
I will not place us on a footing that
could be construed as making us the aggressor.
(sweetly)
And if you think I’ve gone soft, I’ll perform
the operation for you to become your obsession…
with a blunt spoon.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN recoils and quickly clamps his hands over his Love Globes.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, your Majesty.

EXT. – NAJOISEY

It is night and we see dozens of blocky landing craft in formation descending towards the surface of the planet.

EXT. – NAJOISEY SWAMP

Three of the landing craft land in the swamp with a series of splashes. A series of BATTLE POLITICALS, led by one with a gold star on his cyborg implant – ORBEYONDE – troop out. Behind them is another mobile hologram projector, projecting a hologram of GAIJIN.

GAIJIN
We can’t find…the Kitjedi…
they may have gotten into one
of your randing craft.

ORBEYONDE
(oddly metallic cyborg voice)
If they’re down here, sir, we’ll
find them. We are moving out
of the swamp and marching on the cities.

GAIJIN
Exerrent.

In the background, we see DOCTOR WHAT and SIONEWIG sneaking out of the landing craft and away.

EXT. – NAJOISEY SWAMP – FOREST

SIONEWIG and DOCTOR WHAT run through the landscape, glancing back to see an armada of tanks and troop transports emerging from the swamp, knocking down trees. Animals race alongside them, trying to escape the onslaught.

We see a strange, frog-like creature sitting in a swamp, fiddling with what appears to be an Etch-a-Sketch and using it to draw rudimentary pictures of genitals. He is right in the path of an oncoming tank. At the last moment, we see SIONEWIG dash out of the trees, grab the creature almost out of hand, and hurl him out of the way of the tank.

CREATURE
hye! what u fcukin plyain at?

SIONEWIG
You almost got yourself killed.

The CREATURE looks back at the tanks.

CREATURE
so waht?

DOCTOR WHAT appears from another part of the trees.

DOCTOR WHAT
Who’s this?

CREATURE
meesa Rad Rad Neut of the
Irritatingungan poeple, an i
hat u fcukin crakcheads!

DOCTOR WHAT
(puzzled)
Why did you rescue him?

SIONEWIG
(scratching his head)
I’m beginning to wonder that myself…

INT. – FILM STUDIO

We see THANDE writing his script.

THANDE
Heh heh heh…
They thought I couldn’t find anything
more irritating than the original…
(loud, mad howl)
THEY WERE WRONG!
MUAHAHAHAAHAAA!

EXT. – NAJOISEY SWAMP

As before. The two Kitjedi splash through the swamp, with RADICAL_NEUTURAL flolloping along behind. He moves as though each part of his body is being controlled by separate people. In the background, we can hear the rumble of WTO tanks smashing through the trees.

SIONEWIG
We need to get out of the way of
these WTO politicals.

DOCTOR WHAT
But where?

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
yo fcukin idoit1 we go
Irritatingunga city
…i come from jamaica mon

The others stop and stare at him.

SIONEWIG
(thinking)
Irritatingunga city…

DOCTOR WHAT
(shuddering)
You want to find a whole CITY
of ones like him?
I think I’d rather throw myself
under one of those tanks.

SIONEWIG
A point, my young Paddywack,
but we have a duty to inform the
Najoiseyans.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering)
The sacrifices we make as Kitjedi…

SIONEWIG
(to RADICAL_NEUTURAL)
Lead the way.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL recoils and begins waving his hands disjointedly.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
on nonn o!11 cnat go bakc ther
bin banned.

DOCTOR WHAT
(murmuring)
I’m not surprised.

SIONEWIG
(drawing his Sexsword)
Three choices.
We wait here for those WTO politicals to
cut you to shreds.
I hack you a couple MORE assholes with
this blade of mine.
Or you take us to this Irritatingungan city.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(‘thinks’ about it)
ok…

They follow RADICAL_NEUTURAL as he heads off into the swamp.

EXT. – NAJOISEY – LAKE

RADICAL_NEUTURAL leads them to the edge of a lake.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
we gon unrwtaer

SIONEWIG
(nodding at DOCTOR WHAT)
NOW is the time to use our handy-dandy
breathing masks.

DOCTOR WHAT
(avoiding his gaze)
You’re so wise, Master.

SIONEWIG and DOCTOR WHAT each pull out a small capsule from their pockets and tap it. SIONEWIG’s turns into a breathing mask. DOCTOR WHAT’s turns into a saxophone. SIONEWIG glares at DOCTOR WHAT.

SIONEWIG
You mixed them up again, didn’t you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Might have…

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(imapatiently)
cum on!11

RADICAL_NEUTURAL dives into the water. SIONEWIG puts on his breathing mask and joins him. DOCTOR WHAT shrugs, puts the saxophone to his lips and dives in after them.

EXT. – UNDERWATER

RADICAL_NEUTURAL is at home in the water and seems able to breathe underwater. SIONEWIG leaves a small trail of bubbles behind him. DOCTOR WHAT is playing the saxophone underwater and we see a stream of larger bubbles pouring from the end. As each bubble ‘bursts’ against the camera, we get brief snatches of jazz saxophone music.

Through the murky depths they swim and we see a series of glows in the distance which materialises into the IRRITATINGUNGA CITY. It is a collection of glowing balloon-like globes and cylinders, some of which seemed to have been twisted into obscene shapes. The exterior is covered with illiterate, and almost unreadable, graffiti.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL heads confidently for one of the balloon-membranes and passes through it; it reseals itself behind him. The others follow, and find themselves in an area filled with air. SIONEWIG takes out his breath mask; DOCTOR WHAT plays a solo on the saxophone for another few seconds before SIONEWIG glares at him and he reluctantly puts it away.

INT. – IRRITATINGUNGA CITY

The trio step into a city square and the other IRRITATINGUNGANS – who are busy swearing at each other – scatter at the sight of the outlanders. However, several heavily armed guards riding GIANT TURKEYS trot up to them. The leader, IOKUA, points an electrified spear at RADICAL_NEUTURAL.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
hi ther cpatian iokua meesa back!

IOKUA zaps RADICAL_NEUTURAL with his spear.

IOKUA
stfu u.
yo banned heer.
brignin in n00bs 2.
u goin b4 teh big bossxor.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ho siht.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL is shepherded away by the guards and the two Kitjedi follow.

INT. – IRRITATINGUNGAN BOSSXOR CHAMBER

The trio face off the Irritatingungan Bossxors (leaders), who are themselves led by the particularly corpulent THEGREATCOCANUT.

THEGREATCOCANUT
(deep voice)
yoosa cnat be heer!
yoo brnig dat amry fo plitcals
dwon on us!

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering to himself)
Like THAT’d be such a great loss…

SIONEWIG
(patiently)
The political army is about to
attack the Najoiseyians.
We must warn them.

THEGREATCOCANUT
hah! we hat teh njasynas!
wit ther grammer an spellin
an content! thay teh fcukin eivl!

SIONEWIG
But after those politicals conquer
the Najoiseyians they will come for you.

THEGREATCOCANUT
thay dont no we heer!

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering)
Either that or they don’t care…

SIONEWIG
Then speed us on our way.
We need a transport.

THEGREATCOCANUT
yoosa tak an bongo, it fsatest
wya thru cor.

SIONEWIG
(frowning)
Through the planet’s core?!

DOCTOR WHAT
What kind of bloody planet is this?!

INT. – FILM STUDIO

We see THANDE watching the film The Core and nodding to himself.

THANDE
Yep, I’m sure that’s scientifically accurate!

He starts taking notes.

INT. – IRRITATINGUNGAN BOSSXOR CHAMBER

As before.

SIONEWIG
If we’re going through those
uncharted waters…we need a navigator.

DOCTOR WHAT
(groans)
I was afraid of that.

SIONEWIG
(to THEGREATCOCANUT)
What are you planning to do with
Rad Rad Neut?

THEGREATCOCANUT
he waz bant an cumback.
we kill ihm solwly.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering)
Are you sure we need to do this?

SIONEWIG
(regretfully)
Yes.
(to THEGREATCOCANUT)
I saved his life, he owes me a life debt.

THEGREATCOCANUT
(laughs)
tehn mor fule u!
but tak ihm of r hnsd.

SIONEWIG nods to RADICAL_NEUTURAL as IOKUA releases him.

SIONEWIG
You shall guide us through
the planetary core.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
fcuk of an dei u fcukin crakched!

SIONEWIG
Or…
You can stay here and be killed slowly.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ok, i go…

EXT. – UNDERWATER – IRRITATINGUNGA CITY

We see the city as before. One of the balloon/bubbles parts and a strange submarine, shaped a bit like a drum kit, flies out and heads towards a dark abyss below.

INT. – THE BONGO – COCKPIT

The cramped interior is studded with sets of bongos, which RADICAL_NEUTURAL is tapping a rhythm on and appears to be controlling the ship by doing so. As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT, despite himself, starts jiving to RADICAL_NEUTURAL’s rhythm, and then pulls out his saxophone from before and starts playing a jazz solo. In the seat behind, we see SIONEWIG sigh, pull out a pair of massive conical earplugs, and jam them in each ear.

DOCTOR WHAT
(singing it to the tune of his solo)
So why were you Banned, Rad Rad?

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
tehy siad i wsa 2 couheerent…

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
I see…

Suddenly a massive shadowy shape looms up in the rearview mirror. DOCTOR WHAT spots it and gulps.

DOCTOR WHAT
A giant penguin!

EXT. – THE BONGO

And indeed the sub is being chased by an enormous PENGUIN, four or five times the sub’s size. The PENGUIN snaps its beak open and shut, revealing cruel teeth within.

INT. – THE BONGO

SIONEWIG pulls his earplugs out.

SIONEWIG
Full speed ahead!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL speeds up his bongo rhythm and DOCTOR WHAT accelerates his sax solo with it, rapidly becoming purple in the face as he struggles to keep up.

SIONEWIG
It’s no use – we’re going to –

EXT. – THE BONGO

Just as the PENGUIN is about to bite the sub in two, it is slammed to one side. We see that the PENGUIN has itself been attacked by an even more enormous SEA LION (with swastika-like markings all over it). The SEA LION bites the head off the PENGUIN and swallows it in one gulp; the PENGUIN’s blood billows out into the sea like red ink. Beyond, we see the tiny BONGO, forgotten, go speeding away.

The SEA LION pauses in its murderous meal and appears to look at the camera.

SEA LION
(cultured English accent but a bit bubbly)
So kids, remember, whenever you feel a
bit p-p-p-peckish, p-p-p-pick up a Penguin!

INT. – THE BONGO

SIONEWIG
A lesson, my young Paddywack.
There’s always a bigger bizarrely
mutated AH-related predator.

DOCTOR WHAT
(pausing amid his solo)
Yes, master.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – BRIDGE

HENDRYK and GAIJIN are speaking to a hologram of DARTH POLITICUS again.

HENDRYK
The…invasionisonschedule!
My lord!

DARTH POLITICUS
Good…I have ensured the Senate is
bogged down in the vote on foundation hospitals.
By the time this incident comes on the agenda,
they will have no choice but to accept your
control of this system.

HENDRYK
The Queenhasgreat…faiththeSenate…
willsidewithher…mylord!

DARTH POLITICUS
(sneering)
She is young and naïve.
True, given time she would be
a formidable adversary…
but for now, it should be easy
enough to control her.

GAIJIN
How, mylord?

DARTH POLITICUS
You have a monopoly over
the Nutella supply to this system, yes?

GAIJIN
Ah.

DARTH POLITICUS
(to HENDRYK)
You have done well, Viceroy.

HENDRYK
Thank you, my lord.

The hologram vanishes.

GAIJIN
You didn’t tell him about
the missing Kitjedi.

HENDRYK
Neither did you.

EXT. – THE BONGO

The submarine dashes further into the core, desperately trying to stay ahead of a variety of unfeasibly large sea monsters who occasionally pause to eat each other instead.

INT. – THE BONGO

The control drums are sparking and the lights are flickering. RADICAL_NEUTURAL tries to keep ahead.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
yor fcukin kidjeti!
cnat u do sumfin?

DOCTOR WHAT
He has a point, Master.

SIONEWIG
All right.

The two turn around and face backwards, then make significant hand gestures together.

BOTH
This is not the sub you are looking for.
You will let us go about our business.

EXT. – THE BONGO

We see the assorted SEA MONSTERS all stop dead and move their giant sets of jaws underwater to shape the words the Kitjedi have just said. Their eyes glaze over, then clear, and they begin attacking each other.

INT. – THE BONGO

SIONEWIG
The Innuendo is a powerful ally.

DOCTOR WHAT
I will never forget it, Master.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ok piep dwon!
we gon in to teh cor!

The forward window goes black as they dive into the abyss.

EXT. – NAJOISEY – OUTSIDE CAPITAL CITY

We see the WTO’s POLITICAL ARMY burst out from the nearby forests and head into the lovely Najoiseyian capital city.

EXT. – NAJOISEY – CAPITAL CITY

The BATTLE POLITICALS troop solemnly through the apparently deserted streets of the city. We see a Najoiseyian unwisely open his house door to look – four BATTLE POLITICALS immediately turn and blaze away at him with their rifles. He falls dead.

INT. – NAJOISEY – ROYAL PALACE

QUEEN IRONYUPPIE looks angrily out of the window as the POLITICALS grow nearer and a LUXURY TRANSPORT comes out of the sky to land nearby. HENDRYK exits.

HENDRYK
Ah, victory!

EXT. – UNDERWATER

THE BONGO emerges from the dark waters and into lighter ones: the sunlight is visible shining down overhead.

INT. – THE BONGO

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
Wesa don didded it!

He high-fives DOCTOR WHAT and they begin playing the Bobsleigh Song from ‘Cool Runnings’. SIONEWIG sighs and puts his earplugs back in.

EXT. – NAJOISEY – LAKE

A picturesque lake nearby the capital city. As we watch, THE BONGO breaks the surface. The canopies come down and DOCTOR WHAT stands up, surveying the horizon. As he does so, SIONEWIG discreetly picks up the saxophone and chucks it overboard.

DOCTOR WHAT
Looks good – all we have to do is –
(pause)
Hey – that looks familiar…

At one side of the lake, the water just appears to vanish, with nothing on the horizon.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering)
Where have I seen that before…
(brightens)
Oh yeah!
Niagara Falls!

Pause.

ALL THREE
Oh crap.

SIONEWIG desperately looks about as THE BONGO is pulled inexorably towards the waterfall.

SIONEWIG
Can we use a grapple to-

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s no time!

THE BONGO is swept over the falls.

EXT. – NAJOISEY – WATERFALL

We see THE BONGO come crashing down the falls, where it is dashed to pieces on the jagged rocks at the bottom.

A cloud of red fills the water…

Then SIONEWIG breaks the surface and swims towards the riverbank. He lands, then pauses to pat his pockets.

SIONEWIG
Dammit, I think my Tizer has leaked.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL breaks the surface and undulates over to the bank.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
wer dr waht?

SIONEWIG
I don’t know…I –

DOCTOR WHAT breaks the surface and swims over towards them, grinning.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, I thought I was a goner,
when I put my hand out and managed
to grab a rock – or what was wedged into it!

He proudly pulls out his now somewhat dented saxophone.

DOCTOR WHAT
(puzzled)
But I don’t understand how it
got there before I did…

SIONEWIG groans.

METALLIC VOICE
Drop your weapons!

The three turn to find a BATTLE POLITICAL, BLAINE HESS, training a gun on them.

BLAINE HESS
Comply immediately!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ho siht.

EXT. – NAJOISEY – ROYAL PALACE

In the background, we can see the distant waterfall sparkling.

INT. – PALACE – THRONE ROOM

IRONYUPPIE, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and FIVE SCANTILY CLAD HANDMAIDENS are in the centre, surrounded by about 20 BATTLE POLITICALS and HENDRYK.

In a separate part of the room, CAPTAIN THESANDMAN is held at gunpoint.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(to HENDRYK)
How will you explain this
invasion to the Senate?

HENDRYK
(smiling unpleasantly)
The Najoiseyians will sign a tleaty
that will legitimise our contlol of the system.
I am…assured the Senate will applove it.

IRONYUPPIE
(fiercely)
There will be no treaty.
I will not cooperate.

HENDRYK
We will see if you are so bold
after I deprive you of Nutella until
you sign!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You monster…

IRONYUPPIE
(defiantly)
So you fight dirty. So be it.

HENDRYK
Hah.
(to ORBEYONDE)
Process them.

ORBEYONDE
Yes sir.

ORBEYONDE turns to another BATTLE POLITICAL.

ORBEYONDE
Take them to Camp 4.

The BATTLE POLITICAL, along with his team of troops, shepherds them out of the room.

EXT. – ROYAL PALACE – PLAZA

The group is hurried across the open plaza by the BATTLE POLITICALS. IRONYUPPIE is still defiant, but looks taken aback by the sheer show of force visible from here: more BATTLE POLITICALS, tanks and troop transports are visible throughout the whole city.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(whispering)
What now, Your Majesty?

IRONYUPPIE
(whispering)
We can’t give up the struggle –
we might have an opportunity-

Suddenly we hear a double zap-POW! sound and they turn around to find that SIONEWIG and DOCTOR WHAT have leapt down off a bridge and have landed in the centre of the POLITICALS. They ignite their Sexswords, using them to deflect a volley of laserfire back at the shooters (several of them drop to the floor) and then begin ripping more POLITICALS apart.

IRONYUPPIE
E.g., that.

The two Kitjedi fight their way across to IRONYUPPIE and soon there are no POLITICALS left in the vicinity. SIONEWIG gives IRONYUPPIE a cursory bow. RADICAL_NEUTURAL comes out from behind a pillar and surveys the damage.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
yoo gyus bin pwned.

SIONEWIG
(to IRONYUPPIE)
Your Majesty – we are the Ambassadors
from the Supreme Chancellor.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Your negotiations seem to have failed, then.

DOCTOR WHAT
We never got a chance to begin…

SIONEWIG
Your Majesty, we must make contact
with the Republic.

THESANDMAN
But they’ve knocked out all communications.

SIONEWIG
I see…
What about transports?

THESANDMAN
(gesturing)
Main hangar. This way.

The group walks after THESANDMAN. IRONYUPPIE glances back at the ruins of what had seemed to be an invincible force of POLITICALS, and nods to herself. Her resolves has returned.

INT. – HALLWAY OUTSIDE CENTRAL HANGAR

The group go up to the large blast door leading to the hangar. THESANDMAN peers through a crack in the door – sees at least 40 BATTLE POLITICALS.

THESANDMAN
Blast! We’re too late.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(glaring at IRONYUPPIE)
Well we might have got here faster if
someone hadn’t insisted on stopping
at every Goddamned face-painting kiosk
on the way here!

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling sweetly)
Do you know what your own intestines
taste like? Want to find out?

As PSYCHOMELTDOWN recoils, SIONEWIG glances through the door beside THESANDMAN.

SIONEWIG
We can handle them.
(to IRONYUPPIE)
Your Majesty, given the circumstances
I think you should come with us.

IRONYUPPIE
I will not abandon my people

DOCTOR WHAT
They might kill you if you stay.

IRONYUPPIE
They wouldn’t dare…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
They need her to sign the treaty.

IRONYUPPIE
Who’s "her", the cat’s mother?!

IRONYUPPIE elbows PSYCHOMELTDOWN in the stomach, winding him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(gasping)
Sorry your Majesty.

SIONEWIG
(meditatively)
The situation here is not what it seems…
There is something else behind all this.
The WTO is risking much for little gain…
I feel we cannot afford to take the risk.

THESANDMAN
And there’s plenty of Nutella on Unilevercan.

IRONYUPPIE
All right, I’m in.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Good. Senator Reaper will need your help.

THESANDMAN
But it will be difficult to run the blockade.

IRONYUPPIE
I will plead our case before the Senate.
And we shall take my personal ship.
(to PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
Good…luck, Governor.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(muttering to himself)
I damn well need it…

They open the door to the main hangar.

INT. – MAIN HANGAR

The main hangar is occupied by a single large royal spacecraft in silver chrome – this is the Queen’s personal ship, the HMS BACOFOIL. To one side are a series of ALANKEY FIGHTERS and their pilots, held hostage by a series of BATTLE POLITICALS.

SIONEWIG
[i](to DOCTOR WHAT[/b]
You handle them.

The two Kitjedi split up and attack the BATTLE POLITICALS, SIONEWIG the ones around the Bacofoil, DOCTOR WHAT the ones around the fighters, in an absurdly complex battle scene. A few seconds later, parts of POLITICAL are clanking and splatting down around them and everything is hunky-dory.

SIONEWIG
Come on!

They all troop into the Bacofoil, except PSYCHOMELTDOWN and the pilots.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(reluctantly)
Godspeed, your Majesty.

EXT. – OUTSIDE HANGAR

The hangar is built into the side of a mountain. The Bacofoil takes off and roars away into the sky; several BATTLE POLITICALS blaze wildly at it as it passes.

EXT. – SPACE

The Bacofoil speeds up into the atmosphere, aiming at the gap between two of the now visible WTO FRIED-EGG BATTLESHIPS.

INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT

THESANDMAN is piloting, the others look on.

THESANDMAN
Our communications are still jammed.

Towards the back of the cockpit, DOCTOR WHAT guides RADICAL_NEUTURAL into a back room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now stay here, and don’t touch anything!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ok…

INT. – BACOFOIL – BACK ROOM

RADICAL_NEUTURAL finds himself in a room with a dozen rightwinger navigator politicals, each of them shaped like a dustbin.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
kewl…

RADICAL_NEUTURAL taps one of the rightwingers and it falls completely apart. He shrugs and puts his hand on a second, which spins around towards him and extends three arms from different compartments, looking like a webcam on a stick, a plunger and an eggwhisk.

POLITICAL
(high grating voice)
WHERE – IS – THE – DOCTOR?!
ANSWER – ME! OBEY! OBEY!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
uh, heesa in fron copmartmen…

POLITICAL
TARGET – LOCATED!
THE – DOCTOR – IS – THE – ENEMY!
HE – MUST – BE – DESTROYED!

The POLITICAL spins and glides out of the door. RADICAL_NEUTURAL shrugs and begins examining the next political. He touches it and it turns itself into some sort of articulated model lorry.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
wow…

In the background, we hear the sound of energy-weapon fire and zipping Sexswords, then the sound of a body being hurled back against a bulkhead.

POLITICAL
(VO)
IT – IS – THE – DOCTOR!
EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL keeps examining the politicals.

Then the door opens and DOCTOR WHAT comes in. The burn of an energy blast has given him a new centre parting, he is bruised, and is holding what looks like a fried Cthulthu head in one hand. He slaps it down in front of RADICAL_NEUTURAL.

DOCTOR WHAT
(furious)
All right, who’s been reusing props
from other sci-fi universes?!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
meesa sorry…

DOCTOR WHAT mutters to himself and stamps away. RADICAL_NEUTURAL picks up the squid-like being, holds it in his hand for a moment as though playing Hamlet to its Yorick, then shrugs and takes a bite out of it.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
mm! meesa luv sushi!

EXT. – SPACE BATTLE

The Bacofoil heads through the gap between two BATTLESHIPS, laserfire zipping around it at all times.

Then one particularly well aimed laserbolt hits the ship straight-on and something explodes.

INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT

The cockpit looks inexplicably more battered than when we last saw it. IRONYUPPIE is holding up a severed tentacle of the squid thing and is looking at it thoughtfully.

THESANDMAN
We just lost our deflector shield generator.
We can’t take much more punishment.
Hopefully the repair politicals can fix it.

INT. – BACOFOIL – BACK ROOM

RADICAL_NEUTURAL has by now managed to destroy all the politicals except one, a well-remembered blue-painted rightwinger, who hastily dashes out of his path and down the corridor.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
hey! wer u gon?

The political enters an airlock-type thing and is sucked upwards.

EXT. – BACOFOIL – HULL

The political reappears on the hull, surveys the nearby hull damage, and trundles over towards it. He extends a manipulator arm and calmly starts soldering something as powerful laser bolts fly overhead amidst the space battle.

INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT

THESANDMAN
(grimly)
We’re not going to make it.
We just lost backup shields –
we’re sitting ducks…

Suddenly sparks fly and the lights flicker.

THESANDMAN
Wha?!
(checks the display)
That little political just got the main
generator back online!

A ragged cheer.

EXT. – BACOFOIL – HULL

The blue political goes back inside. The Bacofoil races away from the WTO battleships, leaving Najoisey behind them.

INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT

THESANDMAN
(grimly)
We’ve got a leak of hyperlink drive
coolant. We can’t make it to Unilevercan.

SIONEWIG
Where can we make it to, then?
We’ll have to stop and repair the ship…

DOCTOR WHAT studies a starchart.

DOCTOR WHAT
This planet is in range.
Arrakisimeantatooine.

DOCTOR WHAT shivers.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa, I just felt a major POD…

THESANDMAN
Sorry, I’ll try not to stand so close.

SIONEWIG
Arrakisimeantatooine…
What about the WTO?

DOCTOR WHAT
They’ve no presence there.
The planet is controlled by the Fatts.

IRONYUPPIE
(distastefully)
The Fatts?

SIONEWIG
Risky, but there’s no alternative.
We have a go.

THESANDMAN
(sighing)
Okay.

He pulls a lever and the stars stretch into hyperlinks, using all the technology of the twenty-first century computer imaging to duplicate and even improve upon the well-loved hyperlink drive effect from the original trilogy, and not cutting around it for some half-assed reason!

EXT. – SPACE

We see the Bacofoil blast away into cyberspace.

INT. – CHOLESTEROL – BRIDGE

As before, HENDRYK and GAIJIN are speaking to a hologram of DARTH POLITICUS. (Jeez, don’t they ever do anything else?!)

HENDRYK
We control all…thecitiesinthe…
northernhemisphere…and are searching
for…anyhiddensettlements…

DARTH POLITICUS
Destroy all high-ranking officials, Viceroy.
…slowly, quietly, exquisitely, ah, this takes me back…

HENDRYK
We shall do so.

DARTH POLITICUS
(sharply)
And what of Queen IronYuppie?
Has she signed the treaty yet?

HENDRYK
(uncomfortably)
Uh…she has disappeared, my lord.

GAIJIN
One Najoiseyan cruiser broke
through the brockade.

DARTH POLITICUS
(angry)
This is intolerable!
Find her, Viceroy!
I need this treaty signed!

HENDRYK spreads his hands in an apologetic gesture.

HENDRYK
We cannot tlack them now,
my lord. They are out of lange.

DARTH POLITICUS
(significantly)
Not for a Miffed…

A second holographic figure appears behind DARTH POLITICUS: taller, his face also shrouded in a black hood.

DARTH POLITICUS
This is my apprentice, Lord Ljofa.
He shall find your precious lost ship.

HENDRYK
Yes…my lord.

The holograms vanish.

GAIJIN
This is…gettingoutofhand!
Now there…aretwoofthem!

HENDRYK
(pensively)
We should not have…madethisdeal!
Whatwillhappenwhen…the Kitjedi
learn of these…Miffed Lords?

INT. – BACOFOIL – QUEEN’S CHAMBER

The whole group is assembled in the Queen’s luxurious chamber and they are surrounding the blue political we saw before. The windows display the mottled, streaking hyperlinks of cyberspace.

THE SANDMAN
(patting the political)
This little fellow undoubtedly
saved all our lives back there.

IRONYUPPIE
It is to be commended.
What is its designation?

POLITICAL
Bleep boop bleepble bleep!

THE SANDMAN
‘PaulSpring-D2’, your Majesty.

IRONYUPPIE
Thank you, PaulSpring.
You have proven to be very loyal…

PAULSPRING-D2 trundles away, bleeping. We get the subtitles:
‘I’M NOT EVEN A GODDAMNED MONARCHIST!’

Then the ship shudders and we see that the windows, after a flash, now show the starry sky of normal space.

THE SANDMAN
We’ve arrived.

EXT. – SPACE

The Bacofoil shoots out of cyberspace and flies toward a well-remembered yellow desert planet, surrounded by five moons.

INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT

The group have assembled in the cockpit and THE SANDMAN points at a sensor display.

THE SANDMAN
This seems to be the largest settlement,
at this latitude here…

SIONEWIG
Land near the outskirts.
I don’t want to attract attention.

EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – DESERT

We see the shiny Bacofoil diving down to land in the desert with an upblast of dust. A short distance away, we can see the buildings of the settlement of Arrakeenimeanmoseisley.

INT. – BACOFOIL – ENGINE ROOM

DOCTOR WHAT, holding a wrench and with a series of other tools by his side, levers open a panel and peers inside. He pulls out a sparking hyperlink drive component and sets it down, then glances at his hands, notes they are now covered in engine oil and industrial lubricant.

DOCTOR WHAT
I find this strangely arousing…

RADICAL_NEUTURAL bursts in.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
hoy u carkcaehd! i no wan go down der!

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry, Rad Rad. All the spies will be
staring at you instead of my master.
We need you down there.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL stumps off, muttering incoherently to himself. As he does so, SIONEWIG enters, now disguised as a farmer.

SIONEWIG
(Somerset accent)
Oo ar oo ar ay!
How do, me deerio, and
how’s the hyperlink drive?

DOCTOR WHAT
There is such a thing as taking a
disguise too far, my master.
(he looks down at his work)
The coolant leak’s made this
component, the nucleophilic catalyser,
burn out. We need a new one.

SIONEWIG
Understood, ee i ee i o!

SIONEWIG leans nearer to DOCTOR WHAT and speaks in his normal voice, but in a whisper.

SIONEWIG
Don’t send any transmissions.
I feel a disturbance in the Innuendo…

DOCTOR WHAT
So do I, Master.
Something is hunting us…

SIONEWIG
(grimly)
The sooner we get off this dustball, the better.

EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE DESERT – BACOFOIL

The Bacofoil’s ramp comes down and SIONEWIG, PAULSPRING-D2 and RADICAL_NEUTURAL step out, beginning their walk into Arrakeenimeanmoseisley.

Suddenly THE SANDMAN appears at the top of the ramp.

THE SANDMAN
Master Si-On!

SIONEWIG
(turning)
Yes?

THE SANDMAN
Queen IronYuppie asks that you take her
handmaiden with you…

A figure steps up behind THE SANDMAN that is very obviously IRONYUPPIE with most of her makeup scraped off and wearing one of the handmaiden outfits.

THE SANDMAN
Her handmaiden, err,
‘Erikké FerrousStockbroker’.

SIONEWIG
(amused)
Very well.

‘Erikké’ joins the group and they walk off towards Arrakeenimeanmoseisley.

EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – STREET

The group move through the streets of Arrakeenimeanmoseisley, which are packed with dangerous-looking types. Aliens of all sorts abound. They pass a pair of battle-scarred politicals ‘flaming’ each other with flamethrowers, surrounded by yelling onlookers betting on them. The dilapidated buildings have signs on such as ‘Best Strip Club In The Outer Forums: Other People Stop At The Skin!!’ and ‘Exchange Your Bodily Organs For Betting Chips Here’.

SIONEWIG
It’s moisture farms for the most part,
but there’s also some indigenous races
and savages…

A pair of small AUSTRALIANS waddle past, squawking in their incomprehensible language. RADICAL_NEUTURAL pauses for a second to stare at something offcamera: one of the AUSTRALIANS instantly seizes the opportunity, pulling a carjack out from a pocket in his shorts and jacking up RADICAL_NEUTURAL’s leg while the other AUSTRALIAN pulls out a surgical knife and a pile of bricks, and looks at RADICAL_NEUTURAL’s calf with a critical air.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
hlep hlep! im bein jackd of!

SIONEWIG
(not looking)
Yeah, right.

EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – JUNK DEALER PLAZA

A little, marginally more calm street inlet which is lined with junk dealers. Enormous piles of old machinery and parts fill the streets, around which the travellers gingerly step. RADICAL_NEUTURAL has a number of near-miss scars on his leg and is muttering darkly to himself.

SIONEWIG
We’ll try one of the smaller dealers.

They head into a junk dealer shop.

INT. – JUNK SHOP

SIONEWIG, IRONYUPPIE, RADICAL_NEUTURAL and PAULSPRING-D2 enter the shop and are greeted at the counter by BERRA, who is floating along in the air. He is in fact entirely human but is obviously under the influence of something.

BERRA
What you want?

SIONEWIG
We want the nucleophilic catalyser
for a Sudanases X-47 hyperlink drive.

BERRA
Yeah yeah, got lots.
(shouts into back of shop)
Boy! In here now!

CHILD’S VOICE
(VO)
Piss off you bloody colonial!

A nine-year-old kid in a very small leather frock coat enters, his arms folded and a surly look on his face. This is, of course, LANDSHARK SLYWANKER.

BERRA
You watch shop.
I have selling to do.

LANDSHARK
Don’t have anything better to do.

SIONEWIG and PAULSPRING-D2 follow BERRA out the back, leaving LANDSHARK with IRONYUPPIE and RADICAL_NEUTURAL. RADICAL_NEUTURAL goes off to one side and picks up a piece of machinery, which he looks at thoughtfully.

LANDSHARK stares intently at IRONYUPPIE for a few minutes before she spins around and fixes him with a glare.

IRONYUPPIE
What?!!

LANDSHARK
Am I the only one marginally disturbed
that we’re gonna do it in the next film?

IRONYUPPIE
I assure you, no.

LANDSHARK
Never mind…

IRONYUPPIE
So how did you end up here?

LANDSHARK
I and mother were sold to
Berra by Santa the Fatt…

IRONYUPPIE
(shocked)
Sold? You’re a slave?
I thought slavery had long been
abolished throughout the Board…

LANDSHARK
(snorting)
Yeah, the damn colonials say that,
bloody revisionist historians. They just
don’t want to admit that the Confederacy
won the Galactic Civil War.

IRONYUPPIE
But that’s awful!
(striking a principled pose)
The master/slave relationship is a unique
and beautiful thing in the fields of sexual
congress and it’s positively vulgar just to
use it for your goddamned workers!

LANDSHARK
It’s not so bad, now we’re unionised…

__________________

Read: The Blade and the Cross

Quote:

Originally Posted by Susano