|
EXT. – BERRA’S JUNKYARD (BEHIND SHOP)
BERRA glances over a pile of junk and pulls out a component, the same one
DOCTOR WHAT was examining earlier.
BERRA
Here go.
For X-47 drive.
And I’m cheapest around,
ask anyone.
SIONEWIG
Good. I’ll give you 50,000
Canadian dollars for it.
BERRA
(snorts)
Canadian dollars? No deal!
SIONEWIG
(makes a gesture)
But Canadian dollars will do fine.
BERRA
No they won’t. And don’t try
your mind tricks on me, I ain’t got one.
Real cash or no parts!
SIONEWIG sighs and walks back into the shop.
INT. – BERRA’S JUNK SHOP
RADICAL_NEUTURAL has managed to somehow get his entire head trapped inside
a piece of machinery and is banging into the walls. Ignoring him,
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE are still talking.
LANDSHARK
…I’ve got good at fixing things.
I’ve been rebuilding my own political.
(eyes go distant)
And one day I shall build an entire army
of them and conquer the universe!
Muahahahahaha!
IRONYUPPIE
(with him)
Muahahahahaha!
(sidelong glance)
I like the way you think, little boy.
LANDSHARK
oooh disturbing, I like disturbing.
SIONEWIG bustles in, breaking the moment.
SIONEWIG
Come on, we need a new plan.
We’re leaving.
IRONYUPPIE stands up and is about to walk away.
LANDSHARK
…Landshark Slywanker.
She looks back and smiles at him.
IRONYUPPIE
Erriké, uh, FerrousStockbroker.
The group leave and LANDSHARK remains staring after IRONYUPPIE long after
they’ve gone.
BERRA
Damned foreigners.
LANDSHARK
Mm…
BERRA
(almost concerned)
Are you feeling all right, Landie?
Where’s your usual tirade?
LANDSHARK
Mm…
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – STREET
The disconsolate group step out into other street filled with disreputable
characters. Two GIANT ALIENS are hitting each other with two SMALL ALIENS,
while one of the GIANT ALIENS is simultaneously smoking a giant cigar made
up another rolled-up SMALL ALIEN.
SIONEWIG
(into communicator)
Are you sure there’s nothing else
of value on the ship, Doctor-What?
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
No, Master. Just the Queen’s wardrobe, maybe…
IRONYUPPIE
Hoy! I…I mean she…won’t part with that!
SIONEWIG
(shaking his head)
Even that won’t fetch much out here
on a frontier world like this; here it’s
machine parts or drugs that fetch the money in…
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Then I don’t think we can barter enough
to match the price this Berra wants.
SIONEWIG
(sighs)
Understood.
Si-On Ewig out.
SIONEWIG puts his communicator away.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
hye u fcukin crakched,
wi don u jus use ur l33t
kidjeti powwurs 2 TAK
whot we neeed?
SIONEWIG
(absently)
Kitjedi don’t do things like that, Rad Rad.
If we did, we’d be no better than the evil
Miffed Lords of legend…
But fortunately none of them are left anymore…
INT. – ANONYMOUS ROOM – DAY
A small but well-lit room. Through a window in the background, a cityscape
is dimly visible. The room is filled with a circle of chairs facing each
other. Seated in (or standing near) the chairs are a variety of
characters from different sci-fi universes. The leader, a young
dark-skinned man in a blue uniform, stands up.
LEADER
Hello, and I’d like to welcome you all
to the first meeting of No-Liners Anonymous.
I myself rarely got to say anything other than
‘Yes, sir’ in my tenure as navigator of the Enterprise NX-01…
FAMILIAR POLITICAL-LIKE ROBOT?
[b][i]And – all – I – ever – get – to – say – is –
Exterminate…[b]
(it gets carried away)
Exterminate…EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
The…thing goes out of control and crashes through a wall into the next
room. The LEADER sighs.
LEADER
Next?
RED-EYED ROBOTIC FIGURE
All I ever get to say is ‘By Your Command’…
HAWAIIAN-LOOKING GUY
All I ever get to say is ‘Energise’…
LEADER
But what about our member from
our host universe?
All eyes turn towards a figure in a shadowy robe. He pulls his head back
to reveal that underneath he has a black-and-green skinned face with
various bony horns protruding from it, vivid yellow eyes, and horrible,
sharply pointed teeth spread in a snarl.
FIGURE
My name is Darth Ljofa
and all I ever get to say is ‘at last
we shall have our revenge’…
DARTH LJOFA’s mobile phone beeps and he answers it.
DARTH LJOFA
Hello? What? Oh yes, Master…
(hastily)
Yes, I was just on the way.
DARTH LJOFA puts his phone away and hurriedly dashes out.
LEADER
Well, that was very rude…yes, sir!
ROBOT
By your command!
HAWAIIAN
Energise!
LEADER
Yes, si – No! NOO!!!!
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – STREET
The group is still clumping down another street. RADICAL_NEUTURAL is
dawdling behind. He pauses to play with an old broken-down hovercar engine
leaning against a wall.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
i wundear wot wud hapen iff
i pusht htis buton…
We hear an explosive BOOM and RADICAL_NEUTURAL is sent flying through the
air. Pan over to where a number of tough-looking humans and aliens are
sitting at a table eating outside a greasy spoon. RADICAL_NEUTURAL hurtles
past, slams into the table, slides along it and smashes all the food into
their laps or onto the floor. The TOUGHS all leap to their feet, some
screaming and cursing at the hot soup in their laps. However, their
leader, the cruel-featured human SUSANO, is unhurt and, as the dazed
RADICAL_NEUTURAL finally comes to a stop, SUSANO grabs him by the throat.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ehy yur hrutin me u fcukin rcackhaed!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL lets out a ‘Glurk!’ as SUSANO tightens his grip.
SUSANO
(softly; sinister German accent)
Give me ein gut reason why
I shouldn’t cut off your subsidies.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
Mmglk glsgf lnsl…
SUSANO
(grinning dangerously)
I thought not.
FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
Put him down.
SUSANO turns his head to find LANDSHARK standing there, his arms folded
and an unimpressed expression on his face. SUSANO absently drops
RADICAL_NEUTURAL to the floor, where he squirms, then turns on LANDSHARK.
SUSANO
What’s it to you, little Geordie?
LANDSHARK
Silence you humourless Teuton!
Now get back to your cheating,
you do it so well.
SUSANO’s eyes light up in anger; LANDSHARK has obviously touched a
nerve.
SUSANO
(dangerously)
And what would you know about that, hmm?
LANDSHARK
(smirking)
Only what I heard from a certain
Mr. Follow_By_White_Rabbit…
before that untimely…accident of his.
SUSANO bites his lip. LANDSHARK might be bluffing, but…
SUSANO
(sneering)
Scheisse!
Take your toy and go.
SUSANO turns and leaves. RADICAL_NEUTURAL gets to his feet just as the
rest of the party realise what’s happening and run back.
SIONEWIG
Rad Rad! Are you all right.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(still sounding a bit strangled)
meesa oky, u fcukin krakchead…
SIONEWIG
(sounding disappointed)
Oh.
IRONYUPPIE
(looking at LANDSHARK)
Fancy meeting you again.
LANDSHARK
(breezily)
Your…friend here was about to be
turned into Irritatingungan sauce by
picking a fight with a Kraut.
A particularly dangerous Kraut named Susano.
SIONEWIG
I suppose I should thank you.
LANDSHARK
(loudly)
Yes, because I was doing it entirely for
that reason, and not so I could sell your
friend here into slavery and pocket the difference!
SIONEWIG grins.
SIONEWIG
I knew I liked you.
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – DESERT – BACOFOIL
A sandstorm is beginning to be whipped up around the ship. DOCTOR WHAT and
THE SANDMAN are standing at the bottom of the ramp.
DOCTOR WHAT
(shading his eyes)
This storm’s going to slow them down.
THE SANDMAN
We’d better seal the ship to be safe.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. I’ll keep you entertained
with my saxophone until they arrive.
THE SANDMAN
(carefully)
Oh goody.
DOCTOR WHAT
Or, if you prefer, I could just play it.
THE SANDMAN’s lips move as he digests this, and then he pales.
THE SANDMAN
Erk.
Playing will be fine.
DOCTOR WHAT
(winking at the camera)
Cool.
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – SQUARE
The group are moving through a market square, LANDSHARK tagging along. As
we watch, SIONEWIG brushes against a market stall and the inside of his
jacket is briefly turned back, revealing the Sexsword in his pocket.
LANDSHARK notices this and his eyes narrow.
LANDSHARK
That storm’s getting up.
Not that it bothers me, of course, but you
southern poofs ought to find some shelter.
SIONEWIG
We’ll go back to the ship.
LANDSHARK
Parked outside the toon, is it?
You’ll never make it in time.
IRONYUPPIE
(amused)
Then what do you suggest?
LANDSHARK
Walk this way.
LANDSHARK strikes a dramatic pose and marches away. The others look at
each other, shrug, then each of them strike an identical pose and march
away in time with LANDSHARK.
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – SLAVE QUARTERS – STREET
The sandstorm wind is blowing hard through the street as LANDSHARK leads
them through a door into a set of cramped slave quarters.
INT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – SLAVE QUARTERS
The interior of the room is frugal, with simple beaten-up furniture (with
the word IKEA clearly visible on it). The group enters.
LANDSHARK
(shouting)
Ma? I’m back!
FEMALE VOICE
(VO)
Dammit!
A WOMAN enters, obviously LANDSHARK’s mother. This is N-RED.
N-RED
Old dudes and aliens and politicals, oh my!
What is all this, Landie?
LANDSHARK
Stop calling me ‘Landie’!
(a beat)
These are my
(does stupid American film voice)
bwand new fwends
(normal voice; indifferently)
…whoever they are.
SIONEWIG grins apologetically and shakes N-RED’s hand.
SIONEWIG
My name is Si-On Ewig, this is Rad Rad Neut…
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
it’s a plaisur u fcukin carckahed
SIONEWIG
…this is PaulSpring-D2…
PAULSPRING-D2
Booble bleepble beep boop!
SIONEWIG
…and this is Erriké Ir – I mean,
FerrousStockbroker…
IRONYUPPIE shakes N-RED’s hands and their eyes meet.
BOTH
(under breath)
I like what I see.
LANDSHARK elbows N-RED.
LANDSHARK
Back off, ma, I saw her first.
N-RED
(breaking off)
Oh, if I must.
(to SIONEWIG)
Why are you here? The storm?
SIONEWIG
(nods)
We couldn’t get back to our ship.
Your son offered us shelter, I’m
sure with the best of intentions…
N-RED and LANDSHARK exchange a knowing glance.
SIONEWIG
But we’ve got enough food supplies
on us for a meal.
N-RED
That’s good…
LANDSHARK
(to IRONYUPPIE)
So, want to see my political?
IRONYUPPIE
I thought you’d never ask.
The pair disappear upstairs. SIONEWIG holds N-RED’s gaze.
N-RED
(apologetically)
He’s a very…special child.
SIONEWIG
I’d…noticed.
INT. – SLAVE QUARTERS – LANDSHARK’S BEDROOM
LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE and PAULSPRING-D2 enter. The room is dominated by a
workbench upon which many parts of machinery and tools are spread. In the
centre of it is what at first looks like a mutilated corpse, but when we
get closer we see that it’s a new political being built one organ at a
time. The political has no skin yet and all the organs are visible. It is
hooked directly into a blood supply.
LANDSHARK
He’s not finished yet…
IRONYUPPIE
(sizing the political up…and down)
Is he…fully functional?
LANDSHARK
(grinning)
Not yet. Not too high on my
list of priorities…or Ma’s.
IRONYUPPIE
I…see.
Want some help with that?
LANDSHARK
Sure.
LANDSHARK taps a button on the workbench and the POLITICAL spasms as
giant, comical bolts of electricity arc across its body.
LANDSHARK
(screaming)
It’s ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
(to IRONYUPPIE)
Sorry, it’s traditional.
IRONYUPPIE
I understand.
The political opens its gaping eyeballs and speaks with a slightly
gargling voice.
POLITICAL
Oh my…
(takes in the scene)
Allow me to introduce myself.
CAESIUS-LEO-5000,
but you can call me C-LEO for short.
IRONYUPPIE
What is your function?
C-LEO
I am to understand, interpret and
translate more than six million
languages and other forms of
communication, particularly those
pertaining to the Middle East and-
LANDSHARK
(waving his hands)
Nononono! Stop there!
C-LEO
-and specifically the Mandaeans
(head jerks, then repeats: )
specifically the Mandaeans
(head jerks)
fically the Mandaeans
(head jerks)
Mandaeans
(head jerks)
Manmanmanmanmanman…
LANDSHARK sighs and pushes a button that spasms electricity through C-LEO
again. He falls back, then recovers.
C-LEO
My apologies Master.
LANDSHARK
He still freezes whenever
anyone draws him on that
subject. I’ll fix the bug one day.
PAULSPRING-D2
Booble bleep bleeble!
C-LEO
Why, as it happens, little friend,
I am a leftwinger.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bloople BEEP burble?!
C-LEO
What?! How dare you?
Why, if you care to examine
these statistics, you’ll find –
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeple BLOOP bleep!
C-LEO
What do you mean, I’m
arguing from a naked position?
(looks down)
Oh my, my parts are showing.
IRONYUPPIE
(evil grin)
You don’t have all the parts you need yet, C-Leo.
LANDSHARK
(evil grin)
But me and Erikké here are about to remedy that.
C-LEO
Oh my…
C-LEO passes out. LANDSHARK hands a sparking tool that looks a bit like a
soldering rod to IRONYUPPIE. IRONYUPPIE holds it, watching the tip in
fascination as it emits red-hot solder.
IRONYUPPIE
Exquisite…
LANDSHARK
(watching her)
God I love you.
IRONYUPPIE appears not to hear.
INT. – BACOFOIL – QUEEN’S CHAMBERS
DOCTOR WHAT, THE SANDMAN and the HANDMAIDENS – one of them
unconvincingly made up to look like the Queen – are watching a
holographic transmission.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(hologram)
They’ve cut off all food supplies
until you return…the death toll is
catastrophic…you must return, your…er…
(looks off camera, points to a piece of paper)
Excuse me, is this word here ‘mystery’ or
‘monastery’?
HENDRYK
(VO)
Majesty!!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Er, sorry. "Majesty."
The hologram cuts out.
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s a trick. Send no reply or
acknowledgement of any kind.
THE SANDMAN
Agreed.
"QUEEN" HANDMAIDEN
I think –
DOCTOR WHAT / THE SANDMAN
Shut up, you.
INT. – SLAVE QUARTERS – MAIN ROOM
SIONEWIG listens to his communicator.
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
No reply was sent.
SIONEWIG
(nods)
Sounds like bait just to trick a reply
out of us so they could trace it.
You did the right thing.
DOCTOR WHAT
But what if it’s true about a famine?
SIONEWIG
(shrugs)
Then either way,
we’re running out of time.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – BALCONY OVERLOOKING CITY
It is night, but the artificial lights of the vast Unilevercan city almost
turn it into day. The dark figures of DARTH POLITICUS and DARTH LJOFA look
over the city together.
DARTH LJOFA
I have managed to trace their location, Master.
A planet named Arrakisimeantatooine.
It is sparsely populated and I should find them quickly.
DARTH POLITICUS
Move against the Kitjedi first.
Once they are out of the way, taking
the Queen back to Najoisey should be
no problem.
DARTH LJOFA
Yes, my master.
DARTH LJOFA turns to go, when DARTH POLITICUS coughs pointedly.
DARTH POLITICUS
Ahem?
DARTH LJOFA
(reluctant sigh)
…At last we shall have our revenge.
DARTH POLITICUS
Good. Good. Soon the Republic
will be mine to command.
(takes down his hood and winks at camera)
Because, in case you’ve been encased in
Frappacino for the last twenty years,
I’M GRIMM REAPER!!
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – STREETS
The terrible sandstorm blows through the deserted (ha ha) streets.
Everyone has gone inside.
INT. – SLAVE QUARTERS
The group are sharing a meagre meal around the table while a candle
streams on top of it.
LANDSHARK
(to IRONYUPPIE)
Ever heard of Prodracist?
IRONYUPPIE
No…
SIONEWIG
They have Prodracist on Utah, I think.
Very fast, very dangerous…
LANDSHARK
Well, I’m the only Geordie
who can do it!
N-RED
(warningly)
Landie…
LANDSHARK
Stop calling me ‘Landie!’
(to IRONYUPPIE)
It’s true. Berra says he’s never
heard of a Geordie doing it.
SIONEWIG
You must have…Kitjedi reflexes
to prod racists.
LANDSHARK smiles thoughtfully. In the background, we see RADICAL_NEUTURAL
slurping up the last bit of his milkshake with a disgusting sound;
everybody winces.
LANDSHARK
(to SIONEWIG)
I…was wondering something.
SIONEWIG
(no apparent reaction)
Now what makes you say that?
LANDSHARK
Don’t come the raw prawn, as the little Aussies say.
I saw your sexsword before.
That’s only the weapon of a Kitjedi Knight.
SIONEWIG
(tries to laugh it off)
Hah, if only that were so…
LANDSHARK
All right, let me put it this way.
Spill the beans or I’ll be forced
to do something extremely interesting
with a potato peeler.
IRONYUPPIE
(interested)
Oh, will you?
SIONEWIG
(a bit worriedly)
Er…okay.
(leans forward conspiratorially)
You must keep this secret.
We’re on our way to Unilevercan,
the capital planet, on a very important mission.
LANDSHARK
Hmm, Unilevercan eh?
How’d you end up out here?
IRONYUPPIE
My ship was damaged.
We’re stranded here until we can repair it.
LANDSHARK
Hah! I can fix anything.
(leers at her)
Even broken hearts…
IRONYUPPIE slaps LANDSHARK.
LANDSHARK
I love it when you do that.
IRONYUPPIE
And I love doing it to you.
SIONEWIG
Ahem!
Anyway, we need a part
before we can make repairs.
But none of the junk dealers
will accept Canadian dollars
and we’ve nothing worth trading
for the hard currency around here.
IRONYUPPIE
(smiling disturbingly)
I’m sure those junk dealers have
a weakness of…some kind.
N-RED
Gambling. They’re all obsessed
with betting on those awful Prodracist contests.
SIONEWIG
(stroking his beard in thought)
Hmm…perhaps we can use their
own greed against them…
LANDSHARK
I’ve raised the fastest racist ever, Mr Kitjedi.
There’s a big race tomorrow. I could enter it,
it’s all but reached full growth now.
N-RED
(warningly)
Berra won’t let you.
LANDSHARK
Pah! That damned colonial doesn’t
even know I’ve got one.
(to SIONEWIG)
Make him think it’s yours and he’ll
let me pilot it for you.
N-RED
(upset)
I don’t want you to race, Landie!
LANDSHARK
STOP CALLING ME ‘LANDIE’!
N-RED
Every time Berra makes you do it
I think you’re going to…
LANDSHARK
Come back completely uninjured.
N-RED
(mutter)
And you always do, as well.
Meanwhile RADICAL_NEUTURAL had somehow managed to get his milkshake glass
stuck over his face and is striding wildly about the room swinging his
arms and legs, causing chaos and destruction.
LANDSHARK
I want to try out this new racist, anyway.
Might as well help you while we’re at it.
N-RED
(sighing)
If you must, then.
LANDSHARK
(punching the air)
Why aye!
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – STREET
The storm has passed, though there’s a layer of sand over everything.
The group goes up to BERRA’s junk shop. IRONYUPPIE stops SIONEWIG as he’s
about to go in.
IRONYUPPIE
You sure about this?
Trusting our fate to a boy we barely know.
The Queen will not approve.
SIONEWIG
Oh, stop talking in the third person.
SIONEWIG absently pushes her aside and walks into the shop.
INT. – BERRA’S JUNK SHOP
BERRA and LANDSHARK are just concluding an argument as SIONEWIG walks in.
BERRA
(to SIONEWIG)
The boy tell me you want sponsor in race.
You can’t afford parts, how you do this?
Not on Canadian dollars.
SIONEWIG
(smiling)
My ship will be the entry fee.
SIONEWIG shows BERRA a hologram of the Bacofoil.
BERRA
Not bad…not bad…
SIONEWIG
It’s in working order except
for that catalyser we need.
BERRA
Okie, but what boy ride?
He smash up my racist in last contest.
LANDSHARK
Shurrup, you damn colonial.
It was Susano’s fault with those
bloody cheating weapons of his.
You’re lucky the racist survived at all.
BERRA
Maybe.
SIONEWIG
I have a racist of my own,
the fastest ever, they say.
BERRA
If you say so.
Winnings fifty-fifty, then.
SIONEWIG
Agreed.
EXT. – BACOFOIL – DESERT
DOCTOR WHAT stands outside the Bacofoil, which is now covered in a
layer of dust. THE SANDMAN and the handmaidens are busy scraping it off
with spades.
DOCTOR WHAT is speaking on his comlink.
DOCTOR WHAT
What if this plan fails, Master?
We could be stuck here for a long time…
SIONEWIG
(VO)
The ship’s worthless as it is.
(a pause)
And this boy intrigues me…
DOCTOR WHAT
I didn’t know you were that way, Master.
SIONEWIG
(VO)
No, I – oh, never mind.
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – OUTSIDE SLAVE QUARTERS
SIONEWIG puts his comlink away and goes to join the others. He turns a
corner and opens the door to a barn, hearing a low, sullen grunt from
inside. His eyes widen as he take in the scene.
SIONEWIG
My, my…that is a beauty.
LANDSHARK, RADICAL_NEUTURAL and IRONYUPPIE are helping to rub down the
RACIST, a giant hulking character wearing one of those ridiculously over
the top American football outfits. Two gleaming red eyes are visible
within the helmet, and panting breath condenses in front of it.
LANDSHARK
(proudly)
This is the Racist I’ve raised from a foal.
His name is Atlantabraves.
SIONEWIG
Most impressive.
SIONEWIG watches, as N-RED joins him by his side.
SIONEWIG
(low voice)
You should be proud of him,
helping us like this…
N-RED
He’ll have an agenda, I don’t know what.
He has…
SIONEWIG
Special powers?
N-RED
Yes!
SIONEWIG
He can see what happens before it does.
That’s how he reacts so quickly…
It’s a Kitjedi trait.
N-RED
Well, he deserves better than a life in slavery.
SIONEWIG
The Innuendo is strong with him, certainly.
Who was his father.
N-RED
(smiling)
I can assure you, there was no father.
SIONEWIG
What? Yeah, right.
N-RED
I mean it. I would have remembered,
and let me be absolutely clear on that.
(shrugs)
He…was just…born.
SIONEWIG
A pity.
Had he been born in the Republic
we’d have got him quickly and raised
him as a Kitjedi, but now he’s too old…
SIONEWIG looks thoughtful.
SIONEWIG
Erikké, let me speak to you for a moment…
EXT. – OUTSIDE SLAVE QUARTERS
It is now night and SIONEWIG is sitting on the porch looking at the stars.
IRONYUPPIE comes out, bearing a vial of red liquid.
IRONYUPPIE
Here ya go.
Though why you wanted
any extra, I don’t know.
SIONEWIG
Humour me.
Go back to…whatever you were
doing with him.
SIONEWIG shudders; IRONYUPPIE grins, wiping another reddish stain from her
chin, and goes back in.
SIONEWIG pulls out his comlink and uses it to scan the vial, then calls
DOCTOR WHAT.
SIONEWIG
Doctor-What, I need
a mitochondrion count
on this blood sample.
INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT
DOCTOR WHAT, sitting at the controls, studies the incoming data.
DOCTOR WHAT
There’s something wrong with your equipment.
The reading’s off the scale. Higher even than
Master Kitjed’s!
EXT. – OUTSIDE SLAVE QUARTERS
SIONEWIG
(thoughtfully)
That’s it then.
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
What’s it mean?
SIONEWIG
I…don’t know. Not yet.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE
A sinister-looking MIFFED SHIP, looking vaguely reminiscent of a large
Thai-fighter but with an absurdly long protruding phallus with a laser
cannon on the end, decants from cyberspace. As it zips past the camera, we
get a brief glimpse of DARTH LJOFA’s scowling, green-skinned features
within the ‘head’ cockpit. The MIFFED SHIP heads towards the planet of
Arrakisimeantatooine below.
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – DESERT MESA
The MIFFED SHIP lands on top of a desert mesa. It is night. DARTH LJOFA
exits through a hatchway, walks to the edge of the mesa, pulls out a pair
of binoculars and examines the horizon.
SFX. – BINOCULAR VIEW
We see DARTH LJOFA’s binocular view as he scans over the horizon,
pausing on three different clusters of lights that mean cities. The view
zooms in and we get a clearer, night-sight view of individual buildings.
DARTH LJOFA cycles the binoculars from one city to another and as he does
so, we get a brief but horribly vivid image of a glowing window in a SLAVE
QUARTERS building, where a female silhouette appears to be spanking a male
silhouette with a glowing Sexsword.
EXT. – DESERT MESA
DARTH LJOFA lowers his binoculars and shrugs.
DARTH LJOFA
Nothing leapt out at me there.
Oh well, time for the old-fashioned way.
DARTH LJOFA taps a button on a control remote and, from the MIFFED SHIP,
three different floating HAIRDRYERS WITH CAMERAS TAPED ON emerge. DARTH
LJOFA points at the three cities in turn, and each HAIRDRYER power knob
clicks onto a higher setting, sending one HAIRDRYER speeding away at each
city. DARTH LJOFA nods, satisfied, then follows their flight paths with
his binoculars.
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – SLAVE QUARTERS
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK, both looking rather battered, come out of the
doorway.
LANDSHARK
Dammit woman, I hope you left me
enough juice to complete the race.
IRONYUPPIE
If I did, it wasn’t for want of trying.
Then grin at each other and, hand in hand, walk off along the almost
deserted early morning street.
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – ARENA – STABLES
The STABLES are full of other Racists, each of them huge hulking vaguely
humanoid troglodyte-like beings; as well as LANDSHARK’s Atlantabraves,
we can see those dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits, Nazi uniforms, etc.
BERRA and SIONEWIG watch in apparent interest as RADICAL_NEUTURAL gets
kicked about by first one and then another Racist.
BERRA
I want see ship moment
race over.
SIONEWIG
You will. You’ll have your
winnings before any of the suns set,
and we’ll be far away from here.
BERRA
Doubt that if I have ship…
SIONEWIG
You don’t think Landshark will win?
BERRA
(shrugs)
The boy’s good, but Susano’s going to win.
SIONEWIG
Why?
BERRA
(laughing)
He always wins.
I’m betting heavily on him.
SIONEWIG
(smiles)
I’ll take that bet.
BERRA
What?
SIONEWIG
I’ll wager you my prime Racist
here against, say, the boy and his mother.
BERRA
No deal. One, maybe. The mother.
Boy not for sale, too useful.
SIONEWIG
The boy can’t be worth that much…
BERRA
One slave or nothing.
SIONEWIG
The boy, then.
BERRA
No. I’ll let fate decide.
(puts his hand behind his back)
One, two, three…
SIONEWIG makes a small significant gesture with his other hand.
BERRA
(putting out his other hand)
Chainsaw!
SIONEWIG
(simultaneously)
Laser!
BERRA
(growling)
Dammit you won.
No matter, you won’t win race anyway.
SIONEWIG smiles.
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE come into the stables and start rubbing down
ATLANTABRAVES, who whinnies and snorts.
LANDSHARK
Fastest ever. We’re going to win.
BERRA
If you actually finish this time…
SIONEWIG
(horrified)
You’ve never finished a race?!
LANDSHARK
Not…in one piece…
IRONYUPPIE
Huh, judging by last night,
your problem is finishing too fast…
LANDSHARK
I thought that’s the way uh huh uh huh
you like it uh huh uh huh.
IRONYUPPIE
A point…
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – STREET
One of DARTH LJOFA’s CAMERA-HAIRDRYERS scoots past, looking at first one
person and then another as it searches for its targets.
EXT. – DESERT – RACE ARENA
A huge wide-angle shot shows the arena: a vast racetrack cut into the
desert, winding through several rock formations. An enormous amphitheatre
sits near the starting line, holding thousands of spectators.
INT. – RACE ARENA – ANNOUNCER’S BOX
The ANNOUNCER is a strange being with two heads constantly arguing with
each other. These are ABDUL HADI PASHA and KNIGHT OF ARMENIA.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
Salaam aleikoum and it’s one ga-lorious day
out there for the annual Ramadan Prodracist Event!
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
You take that back right now or I’ll bring up
the whole WW1 genocide thing again!
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(turns to shout in the other’s face)
That never happened, you evil anti-Ottoman zealot!
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
Damn you and your revisionist histories,
you addled obsessor with the Sublime Porte!
The ANNOUNCER’s two arms begin punching the opposite heads and he falls
backward into his box, fighting himself. Two FLUNKIES hurry on and pull
the hands apart, re-seating the ANNOUNCER in his seat.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
Ahem.
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
Anyway…
EXT. – ARENA – RACETRACK
We see the RACISTS being slowly ridden into place. Each massive RACIST has
a Prodder (jockey) on its shoulders, holding its reins in one hand
and a massive electrified cattle prod in the other (hence the name of
the sport).
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
Yes, the contestants are here!
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
(VO)
I see the hot favourite, Susano of Deutschland
and his old veteran, Hermann Goering…
SUSANO waves impassively as he rides his massive, corpulent steed into
position, zapping it with his cattle prod. GOERING howls.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
And here we have the infamous Pax Britannia
on Nick Griffin, let’s see if it goes better this time, eh?
PAX BRITANNIA, with some difficulty, rides the huge, recaltitrant NICK
GRIFFIN into position.
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
And, ha ha, here comes the dark horse,
the only Geordie ever to compete in
the Prodracist contest and let’s see if he
can complete it this time…
ABDUL HADI PASHA
Landshark…Slywanker!
LANDSHARK brings ATLANTABRAVES to a halt as he reaches the line, then
turns around and gives the ANNOUNCER the finger.
EXT. – ARENA – HIGH BOX
The enormous, corpulent figure of SANTA THE FATT appears and waves regally
to the crowd.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
And here is our generous host, Santa the Fatt!
SANTA THE FATT
Ho, ho, ho.
May the games…begin!
Cheers from the crowd.
EXT. – RACETRACK
As LANDSHARK looks up at SANTA, we see SUSANO jump off GOERING and
surreptitiously sneak up behind ATLANTABRAVES with a syringe. Without
looking, LANDSHARK sticks out his leg and kicks the syringe out of SUSANO’s
hand.
LANDSHARK
Up to your old tricks again, Herr Susano?
SUSANO
(sneering)
You should haff taken mein advice
und escaped vhen you could.
Now I vil DESTROY you!
LANDSHARK
Oh, bugger off, you sausage-eating loony.
The incensed SUSANO re-mounts GOERING and shoots LANDSHARK a venomous
look, which he ignores.
EXT. – AMPHITHEATRE
SIONEWIG, N-RED, IRONYUPPIE, RADICAL_NEUTURAL, BERRA and the two
politicals are sitting together in the crowd. RADICAL_NEUTURAL has an
absurdly large bucket of popcorn which he is getting through at a rapid
pace. N-RED looks tense. SIONEWIG stands and shouts:
SIONEWIG
(shouting)
Landie!
May the Innuendo be with you!
LANDSHARK
(shouting back)
Stop calling me ‘Landie!’
If you do that one more time I’ll
turn to evil and dedicate the rest
of my life to expunging the Kitjedi
from the entire Galaxy!
SIONEWIG
(shouting)
Sorry, Landie!
(pause)
Oops…
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
Ready,
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
(VO)
Set,
BOTH
(VO)
Go!
The PRODDERS immediately stab down with their prods and the RACISTS howl
as they slowly stump away into a trot, gradually getting faster. All
except PAX BRITANNIA who is left there zapping NICK GRIFFIN repeatedly,
but GRIFFIN refuses to move.
PAX BRITANNIA
Get moving!!
NICK GRIFFIN
(arms folded)
I refuse to move until you
stop describing me as a racist
just because I lead a political
party that plans to deport all
non-white people…
PAX BRITANNIA
(still zapping)
Move, dammit!
EXT. – FURTHER ALONG RACETRACK
SUSANO on GOERING is currently neck and neck with TYRANNUSZERO on NATIONAL
SOCIALIST. But SUSANO casually twists his reins and ‘accidentally’
lets his prod drift too far, zapping TYRANNUSZERO instead of GOERING.
TYRANNUSZERO screams and falls limp on NATIONAL SOCIALIST who, bereft of
direction, crashes into two other Racists coming up behind. The pile-up
takes out almost half the Racists and Prodders. But LANDSHARK starts to
steer ATLANTABRAVES around it even before it happens – his foresight
again.
EXT. – ON ROCKY FORMATION
We see a few well-remembered DUST BUNNIES holding rifles. As the RACISTS
thunder past, they take potshots at them, dropping a PRODDER and injuring
two RACISTS.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
Well, it looks like we’ve got some
Dust Bunnies camping out on the track, Rafi!
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
(VO)
Damn straight John; jeez, the last time
I saw something like this was in the
Great Debacle of ’78…
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
I’d have to disagree with you there Rafi –
I’m sure something very similar happened
in the ’84 Championship Derby on Utah…
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
(VO; getting angry)
Now look here John, you know perfectly
well that Mormons building a temple in the
middle of the track is not at all the same
as being shot at by Dust Bunnies!
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
I…
(quickly)
The Ottoman Empire rocks!
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
(VO, simultaneously)
The Ottoman Empire sucks!
We overhear the sounds of them fighting each other again.
Meanwhile, the RACISTS come around on the first lap. Just as they are
crossing the start line again, the still immobilised PAX BRITANNIA slams
down his prod in one last attempt and GRIFFIN explodes, limbs flying all
over the arena. SANTA claps and cheers, and the crowd hastily clap and
cheer with him. The remaining RACISTS go hurtling past.
EXT. – RACETRACK – ANNOUNCER’S BOX
ABDUL HADI PASHA and KNIGHT OF ARMENIA are in place again, this time each
sporting a new black eye.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
Six Prodders remaining and one more
lap to complete.
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
And Slywanker is in third place, not bad…
ABDUL HADI PASHA
But Susano remains firmly in the lead.
EXT. – AMPHITHEATRE
The group looks on anxiously.
IRONYUPPIE
What do we do if he loses?
SIONEWIG
We could sell Rad Rad into
slavery to buy a new ship…
IRONYUPPIE
(appalled)
We couldn’t do that!
(clarifies: )
Who’d buy him?
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
meesa luv u fcukin crahckaeds 2…
EXT. – RACETRACK
SUSANO on GOERING remains firmly in the lead, but coming up behind him now
is BASILEUS on MUSSOLINI. LANDSHARK remains a little further behind.
SUSANO looks around angrily as BASILEUS manages to match his lead as they
turn a corner. More blasts from the DUST BUNNIES on the rocks zip
overhead, causing BASILEUS to glance up for a second. As he does so,
SUSANO grins viciously and pats GOERING’s head in a certain way.
GOERING nods and pulls out several PRICELESS WORKS OF ART from under his
trench coat, which he begins hurling at MUSSOLINI.
BASILEUS
Mamma mia! Interference!
MUSSOLINI
Ooh! Pretty colours!
The renowned WW2 Italian dictator is dazzled by the use of light and
shade, loses sight of the track, and crashes into a wall just as BASILEUS
is struggling to regain control. SUSANO smirks as the pair are knocked out
of the race, then frowns as LANDSHARK begins prodding ATLANTABRAVES more
viciously and begins to catch up.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
And Slywanker is now in second place!
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
(VO)
Coming up to meet Susano
as the finish line comes into sight…
SUSANO
(to himself)
I seenk not!
As they approach the finish line, SUSANO slams GOERING sideways and into
ATLANTABRAVES. But LANDSHARK keeps hold of the reins and ATLANTABRAVES
remains upright. However, SUSANO finds that GOERING’s swastika armband
has got entangled with ATLANTABRAVE’s girly elbow pads. The two Prodders
struggle to free their Racists from each other.
SUSANO
Scheisse!
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
(VO)
Is that little Geordie mad?
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
Who can say – but here they go!
The finish line looms up, the two still locked together. At the last
moment, LANDSHARK smirks and unbuckles an innocent-looking strap. As he
does so, ALL of ATLANTABRAVES’s ridiculous unnecessary padding falls
free from him and remains tangled up in GOERING’s armband. ATLANTABRAVES
speeds ahead, LANDSHARK still prodding him, as the weight of the
unnecessary padding pulling at GOERING’s arm causes the Nazi mount to
spin around out of control.
SUSANO desperately tries to regain control but – we see his horrified
expression – GOERING goes thundering into one of the finish line posts.
SUSANO
SCHEISSE…!
Impact.
Meanwhile, a smirking LANDSHARK rides ATLANTABRAVES over the line to a
cheering crowd.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
I don’t believe it – the little Geordie’s done it!
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
(VO)
The plucky underdog has vanquished the
powerful favourite. Much as Armenia
shall one day rise and retake its ancestral
lands from the vile Turkish yoke…
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
You want a piece of me?!
KNIGHT OF ARMENIA
(VO)
Trebizond to be precise.
We hear the two of them fighting again.
EXT. – AMPHITHEATRE
LANDSHARK runs into the crowd and finds the group. He embraces IRONYUPPIE
as BERRA stares in anger at SIONEWIG.
BERRA
You cheated!
You knew he was going to-
SIONEWIG
(coldly)
I had faith and you didn’t.
BERRA
Bah! Take him!
I am ruined!
In the background, we can see one of DARTH LJOFA’s CAMERA HAIRDRYERS
moving through the crowd, scanning them.
N-RED
(hugging LANDSHARK)
You did it!
You gave hope to Geordies everywhere!
LANDSHARK
And I wiped the beer-swilling smile
off a Coventry-raping Kraut’s face.
N-RED
…that too.
SIONEWIG
Come, Erikké, Rad Rad.
Let’s take Berra’s parts onto the ship.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
wot if he dusnt delviler?
IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
Then we take Berra’s…parts onto the ship.
BERRA
(in a funny crouching position)
I pay up! I pay up!
EXT. – DESERT – BACOFOIL
SIONEWIG, IRONYUPPIE and RADICAL_NEUTURAL arrive, dragging a trailerful of
components behind them. DOCTOR WHAT comes out to meet them.
SIONEWIG
Start getting this substitutor installed.
I’m going back. Some…unfinished business.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sympathetically)
Forgot to get her phone number?
SIONEWIG
(patiently)
No.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh. Well in that case
I recommend the specialist
clinics run by Gladys Mallard…
SIONEWIG
(patiently)
Not that either.
DOCTOR WHAT
(puzzled)
Okay…
SIONEWIG
I’m getting us another crewmember.
DOCTOR WHAT
(pointing at RADICAL_NEUTURAL)
If you get us another one of him, I’m leaving.
SIONEWIG
I’m not that stupid.
In the background, a CAMERA-HAIRDRYER peeps over the horizon, observes the
Bacofoil and the people standing around it, then turns and zips off
with renewed purpose.
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – STREET
SIONEWIG strolls along the street to find LANDSHARK fighting a young
KIDBLAST.
SIONEWIG
What’s all this?
LANDSHARK
(looking up to reply)
Well, at first it was whether I cheated
in the race, but then it turned more into an
argument about who punched who first.
SIONEWIG
Start as you mean to go on, eh?
KIDBLAST runs away. N-RED comes out to meet them.
N-RED
Landie, have you been fighting?
LANDSHARK
Yes.
N-RED
Good.
SIONEWIG
(coughing)
I sold your Atlantabraves as we agreed.
Here’s the money.
He hands over a load of what appear to be Monopoly money notes. LANDSHARK
views them excitedly.
LANDSHARK
Mint!
SIONEWIG
And I managed to get Berra
to free Landshark.
LANDSHARK
Nice!
N-RED
Really?
Good, he can go and explore the Galaxy
and stuff and become a Kitjedi and,
most importantly, not be under my feet all day.
SIONEWIG
I couldn’t free you too, though.
N-RED
Never mind. Another time.
LANDSHARK
Okay. One moment.
LANDSHARK dashes upstairs. SIONEWIG exchanges a rueful glance with N-RED.
INT. – LANDSHARK’S ROOM
LANDSHARK is tossing things haphazardly into a carryall. As he leaves, he
pushes the button that zaps C-LEO with electricity and wakes him up.
C-LEO
Oh my!
What’s happening?
LANDSHARK
I’m going away for a while.
Pity I didn’t have time to finish you.
C-LEO
(shuddering)
I’ll…have to arrange that myself.
LANDSHARK
Sounds most perverted.
Good man, er, political.
LANDSHARK slaps C-LEO on the back – causing his liver to droop out of
place – and strides out of the door. C-LEO screams and falls back onto
the workbench.
EXT. – STREET OUTSIDE SLAVE QUARTERS
LANDSHARK says a final goodbye to N-RED as SIONEWIG looks on.
LANDSHARK
Don’t worry, I’ll become a Kitjedi and
come back and free you and all that jazz.
Otherwise I’d never hear the end of it.
N-RED
Farewell.
LANDSHARK turns to go with SIONEWIG. As he does, a CAMERA-HAIRDRYER comes
out of the sky and hovers in front of SIONEWIG, looking at him. SIONEWIG
ignites his Sexsword and sweeps it through the air, cutting the
CAMERA-HAIRDRYER in two smoking halves that drop to the floor. LANDSHARK
stares at it.
LANDSHARK
Whoa.
SIONEWIG
Don’t be startled.
LANDSHARK
Startled? I think I’ve just
Sherlocked myself.
Can I have an energy blade that cuts
through anything? Can I can I can I?
SIONEWIG
Not until you become a Kitjedi.
LANDSHARK
(impassively)
Then teach me the ways of the Innuendo.
The two walk away.
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – DESERT MESA – MIFFED SHIP
As before. DARTH LJOFA is sitting on a deckchair outside the MIFFED SHIP,
reading a small book labelled ‘The Michelin I-Spy Book Of Kitjedi’.
He occasionally makes a mark with a pencil.
A CAMERA-HAIRDRYER approaches him and buzzes in his ear. DARTH LJOFA nods,
tucks his book away, then goes back into the ship and brings out a much
larger HAIRDRYER. Swinging his leg over the side, he then kicks it into
overdrive and rides it like a flying motorbike off towards the edge of
Arrakeenimeanmoseisley.
EXT. – EDGE OF ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY
SIONEWIG is rushing ahead, LANDSHARK struggling to keep up. The Bacofoil
gleams in the distance.
Suddenly SIONEWIG catches sight of something out of the corner of his eye.
SIONEWIG
(cursing)
Landshark, duck!
LANDSHARK
You don’t need to warn me, I’m
not one of those weird Australians
who’s afraid of them…
SIONEWIG
Nono! DUCK!
LANDSHARK
Oh right.
LANDSHARK ducks just as DARTH LJOFA on his GIANT HAIRDRYER hurtles
overhead. DARTH LJOFA immediately leaps off the HAIRDRYER – which speeds
onwards and crashes into a nearby market stall, blowing it up – and
pulls a weapon from the folds of his robe. It’s surprisingly bulky, but
emits a normal Sexsword blade, evil green. The limp cylinder of energy
becomes rigid almost immediately and DARTH LJOFA aims a vicious slash at
SIONEWIG, who barely manages to bring up his own Sexsword in time to
deflect it. LANDSHARK watches, apparently awed as the two, Kitjedi and
Miffed, fight on.
LANDSHARK
I really ought to start a betting pool…
SIONEWIG
(through gritted teeth)
Landie! Get into the ship!
Now! Go go go!
LANDSHARK
(sighing)
If I must…
LANDSHARK strolls at a leisurely pace over to the Bacofoil as DARTH
LJOFA and SIONEWIG exchange progressively more devastating blows. It seems
only a matter of time before one of them makes a tiny mistake and is cut
in half.
EXT. – BACOFOIL
LANDSHARK walks up the ramp, where he is met by a gun-wielding THE
SANDMAN.
THE SANDMAN
Hey, who the hell are you?
Halt or I fire!
LANDSHARK
(looking at the gun contemptuously)
Yeah, right. With a Kubrickian Arms XR45?
Lucky if the damned piece of colonial trash
doesn’t rip your bloody arm off.
THE SANDMAN
(incensed)
I…
IRONYUPPIE comes up behind him.
IRONYUPPIE
He is a friend, Captain.
Leave him alone…for me.
IRONYUPPIE gives THE SANDMAN an innocent girlish smile; THE SANDMAN
screams and hides behind the ramp. IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK exchange
smirks and the two go into the Bacofoil.
THE SANDMAN cautiously comes out then, staring curiously at his gun, he
points it into the sky (arm extending offcamera), closes his eyes
and pulls the trigger. We hear a curiously wet ‘zappow’ and THESANDMAN’s
eyes widen quite a lot.
THESANDMAN
Owie.
INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE run into the cockpit to find DOCTOR WHAT at the
controls.
IRONYUPPIE
Si-On is in trouble!
He wants you to take off now!
THE SANDMAN rushes in, a bloody bandage on one hand, and takes the
controls. The Bacofoil lifts off and we see it cruising over to the
two tiny figures with their lashing energy blades.
LANDSHARK
There!
DOCTOR WHAT
(squinting)
What is that?
EXT. – DESERT
SIONEWIG and DARTH LJOFA continue fighting. As we watch, SIONEWIG executes
a ridiculous head over heels leap and lands behind DARTH LJOFA. He is
about to attack his back when DARTH LJOFA performs an identical head over
heels leap and lands behind SIONEWIG. Incensed, the Kitjedi turns and they
confront each other, then both perform head over heels leaps at the same
time and crash into each other in midair with a THUD.
SIONEWIG/DARTH LJOFA
Ouch! / Dammit!
They drop to the floor, pull themselves up and watch each other warily,
waving their Sexswords in short, testing thrusts.
SIONEWIG
Who are you?
DARTH LJOFA’s only answer is to spit and snarl. He charges at SIONEWIG,
who stands there serenely and then steps aside at the last moment: DARTH
LJOFA goes hurtling past and falls over the edge of the dune, rolling down
the other side out of all control. SIONEWIG smirks and then looks upward
as the Bacofoil drops to hover just above the ground, its ramp down
and DOCTOR WHAT standing on it.
DOCTOR WHAT
Come on, Master!
SIONEWIG makes another flying leap and lands on the ramp, grabbing hold of
DOCTOR WHAT’s hand for support as he drags himself into the ship. The
ramp goes back up and the Bacofoil goes flying off into the sky.
Focus on the bottom of the dune and a new pile of sand. A green and black,
clawed hand punches upward out of it, forms a fist and waves it at the
escaping Bacofoil.
EXT. – SPACE – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE
The Bacofoil hurtles out of orbit.
INT. – BACOFOIL – HALLWAY
DOCTOR WHAT is supporting SIONEWIG, who seems drained of energy, and the
two stagger along towards the cockpit. LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE come out,
staring in surprise at the Kitjedi.
LANDSHARK
Are you all right?
SIONEWIG
Just about…
Not the kind of surprise I like.
DOCTOR WHAT
What was that…thing?
SIONEWIG
I don’t know, but it seemed trained
in the Kitjedi arts…or something similar.
DOCTOR WHAT
He was after the Queen, you think?
IRONYUPPIE
Will he follow us?
SIONEWIG
Not once we’re in cyberspace…
LANDSHARK
So what are you going to do about it.
SIONEWIG
(shrugs)
This calls for a meeting of minds with wisdom
and patience or, failing that, the Kitjedi Council.
SIONEWIG shrugs off DOCTOR WHAT’s support and stands up straight. He is
about to walk away when he turns, and gestures from LANDSHARK to DOCTOR
WHAT.
SIONEWIG
Oh yes.
Landshark Slywanker,
meet Doctor-What Lombardi.
DOCTOR WHAT shakes the boy’s hand, gripping tightly.
LANDSHARK
Oww! Stop it, you’ll have my arm off!
DOCTOR WHAT
(grins)
And then I suppose you’ll have to kill me?
In the background, IRONYUPPIE holds up a sign saying ‘BLATANT’ and
SIONEWIG holds up one saying ‘FORESHADOWING’.
INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT
The others pile into the cockpit as THE SANDMAN flips switches.
THE SANDMAN
I hope this nucleophilic catalyser of yours works…
SIONEWIG
It’d better, or Berra’s had the last laugh.
IRONYUPPIE
Not…if I have anything to say about it.
LANDSHARK looks at her admiringly; the others all shudder in unison.
THE SANDMAN
Engaging hyperlink drive!
He pulls a lever and the stars streak into hyperlinks as the Bacofoil
explodes into cyberspace.
EXT. – NAJOISEY – CAPITAL – ROYAL PALACE
Squads of BATTLE POLITICALS parade through the deserted streets of the
capital below.
INT. – ROYAL PALACE
PSYCHOMELTDOWN and some other Council Members are standing in a group with
their arms folded, surrounded by a squad of BATTLE POLITICALS and HENDRYK.
HENDRYK
(dubbed badly)
When are…you going to give up…
this pointless strike?
Your Queen is lost, your people are
starving, and you, Governor, are going
to die that much sooner than them!
(to BATTLE POLITICALS)
Take them away!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(looking away contemptuously)
I regret only that I have but one
life to lay down for my planet.
HENDRYK shakes his head in incomprehension as the BATTLE POLITICALS take
the group away. On the other side, ORBEYONDE approaches HENDRYK.
ORBEYONDE
My troops are in position
to begin searching the swamps
for these rumoured underwater villages.
They will not stay hidden for long.
HENDRYK
(steepling his fingers)
Most…auspicious.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR UNILEVERCAN
The Bacofoil bursts out of cyberspace and heads toward UNILEVERCAN,
the Republic capital planet. It’s covered entirely with city lights and
there are hundred of other spacecraft and space stations taking up almost
all the possible orbits. The Bacofoil has to weave in and out of
them to get through.
INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT
Everyone looks out at the planet.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grandly)
There it is!
SIONEWIG
Unilevercan, capital of the Republic.
LANDSHARK
(nose pressed to cockpit window)
Hmmf. Probably full of bloody toonies.
The cockpit windows show them flying through the smoggy atmosphere and
then over part of the vast city, streams of flying cars visible in between
the enormous skyscrapers.
EXT. – SENATE BUILDING – LANDING PAD
The Senate building, which looks identical to the U.S. capitol only about
500 times bigger, dominates the local cityscape. The Bacofoil sets
down on a landing pad attached to the complex and lowers its ramp; DOCTOR
WHAT, SIONEWIG, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, THE SANDMAN, RADICAL_NEUTURAL,
PAULSPRING-D2 and the HANDMAIDENS, including the one done up to look like
the Queen, all get out.
Waiting to meet them are two figures, the one a rather tired-looking,
patrician figure wearing a medallion of office around his neck, and the
other…
GRIMM REAPER
(winking at camera)
Miss me?
(to FAKE QUEEN)
It is a great honour to see you alive, Your Majesty.
(gestures to the other figure)
May I present Supreme Chancellor Gamingboy.
GAMINGBOY
Welcome, Your Majesty.
I must relay to you how distressed we
all are over the current, ah, situation…
why I haven’t tried looking for weird links
for over an hour…
DOCTOR WHAT
(under his breath)
Amateur.
GAMINGBOY
I’ve called a special session of the Senate
to hear your position.
FAKE QUEEN
(glancing at IRONYUPPIE, lip-reading)
I am grateful for your…conservatory?
conservative? conservation? Oh…
…concern, Supreme Chancellor.
IRONYUPPIE sighs.
GAMINGBOY waits with the Kitjedi while the others all pile into a waiting
taxi, GRIMM REAPER giving LANDSHARK and RADICAL_NEUTURAL a puzzled look.
Once they have gone, SIONEWIG turns to GAMINGBOY.
SIONEWIG
I must speak with the Kitjedi Council
immediately, Supreme Chancellor.
The situation has become more…er…
what’s the word…
DOCTOR WHAT
Arousing?
SIONEWIG
(firmly)
Complicated.
DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
Same thing.
SIONEWIG
You think ‘arousing’ is a synonym for everything.
DOCTOR WHAT
Your point being?
GAMINGBOY
(coughs)
Anyway…
INT. – GRIMM REAPER’S QUARTERS
GRIMM REAPER has a luxury suite in the Senate building. As the others walk
in, he hastily picks up a number of bits of paper on his desk with red
writing at the top, ‘My Super Secret Plan To Take Over The Republic
v1.0’. He absently throws them in the bin, but RADICAL_NEUTURAL
grabs them out of midair when he isn’t looking and begins to read them
with apparent interest.
GRIMM REAPER
(to FAKE QUEEN)
You must understand that the Republic
is not what it once was. The Senators
are in it for only one thing: power
and upping their own salaries.
LANDSHARK
(piping up)
That’s two things.
GRIMM REAPER
(muttering under his breath)
Anyway. I doubt the Senate will act on this.
FAKE QUEEN
Supreme Chancellor Gamingboy
seems to think there is hope.
GRIMM REAPER
Pah! The Supreme Chancellor has
little real power. Gamingboy is
mired by entirely baseless accusations
of corruption and scandal…
(winks at camera)
Jeez, can’t imagine who arranged
those to happen, eh?
FAKE QUEEN
What options do we have?
GRIMM REAPER
Our best bet would be to push for
the election of a stronger Supreme Chancellor
who would support our cause.
(preens)
Like, for example…
LANDSHARK
(piping up)
How about Senator Tetsu of Texas?
GRIMM REAPER
(muttering to himself)
Or…
FAKE QUEEN
Umm…Senator Ramp-Rat of Islington?
GRIMM REAPER
(coughing pointedly,
then speaking in a singsong voice)
Me – I – Me – I – Me – I…
LANDSHARK
(confused)
What’s methyl iodide got to do with it?
GRIMM REAPER sighs.
EXT. – KITJEDI TEMPLE
The Temple, which looks like a more phallic version of St Paul’s
Cathedral, rises out of the more modern architecture of Unilevercan. Many
flying cars pass overhead, one of them a Ford Anglia driven by Luaky
Commer.
INT. – KITJEDI TEMPLE – COUNCIL ROOM
A massive window gives a view of the cityscape outside. The twelve Council
members sit in a circle of chairs around a central hologram projector,
presently offline. The floor is a wonderful marble, and in the centre is
the Kitjedi logo picked out in darker stone: two interlinked Mars symbols.
Not all of the Council members are in view, but near the head of the room
we can see:
KITJED21 himself, currently looking middle-aged and with wisdom in his
eyes;
GREYCE WOLFU (aka Grey Wolf), a powerfully built military leader
with smouldering eyes;
SATYRANE, a cautious but contemplative Kitjedi Master;
and BIRDIE, another more rash and impulsive Kitjedi who always has his
Sexsword visible under his robes.
Standing before the Council, addressing them, is SIONEWIG.
SIONEWIG
In summary, gentlemen, my
only conclusion is that it was
a Miffed Lord.
Reactions ranging from horror to incredulity.
GREY WOLF
A Miffed Lord?
(to camera)
By the way, it says here on the script that I’m a
‘badass motherf****r’…does anyone know
what that means precisely?
SATYRANE
(ignoring GREY WOLF)
Impossible! The Miffed Lords have been
extinct for a thousand years and more!
KITJED21
(meditatively)
The very stabillity of the Republlic is
threatened if the Miffed Llords are invollved,
llook you, whateffar.
GREY WOLF
I don’t believe they could have returned
without us knowing.
(glances down at script again)
Maybe it means I’m supposed to
motherf**k badasses? And what
exactly is a bad ass, or arse maybe,
I mean what classification system are you
supposed to use – Kitjed, you should know…
KITJED21
(coughing pointedly)
The Straight Side is hard to perceive.
We must discover who this assassin is,
indeed to gootness we must.
BIRDIE
He will reveal himself again.
SATYRANE
(nodding)
I am certain of it.
GREY WOLF
And the Queen was the target.
(another tangent)
I bet he’s a bloody Yank, they all have
this irrational fear of monarchies, heh,
more fool them…hey, maybe it means I’m
supposed to f**k the mothers of badasses…
but I don’t much like the sound of that…
KITJED21
(coughing again)
Anyway…
You must stay with this Najoiseyian Queen,
Si-On. Protect her at all costs.
SIONEWIG
Yessir. The real one or the blatant fake?
SATYRANE
Use your best judgement.
KITJED21
In the meantime we shall use all our
resources here to try and track this assassin down.
ALL COUNCIL MEMBERS
May the Innuendo be with you.
SIONEWIG
And also with you.
The Council members rise, expecting SIONEWIG to leave, but he remains
standing there.
KITJED21
You have something to add, Si-On?
SIONEWIG
Yes. I have encountered something most strange.
A boy who has the highest count of mitochondria
I have ever seen in my life…
It…
(hesitates)
It is possible he was even…conceived by the mitochondria.
More reactions.
GREY WOLF
Um, you’re referring to the legend of the one who
will bring balance to the Innuendo?
You believe it’s this boy?
SIONEWIG
(shrugs)
I don’t presume…
KITJED21
(stabbing a finger)
That is precisely what you do!
SIONEWIG
(hesitates)
I request that the boy be tested.
KITJED21
You want him to be trained as a Kitjedi?
SIONEWIG
Finding him was the will of the Innuendo.
I have no doubt of that.
GREY WOLF
Bring him before us, then.
KITJED21
(nodding)
We willll test him.
For better or for worse.
SIONEWIG nods, turns and leaves.
GREY WOLF
Maybe it means I’m supposed to
motherf**k asses but I’m bad at it…
OTHERS
SHUT UP!
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – SENATE BUILDING
As before.
INT. – SENATE BUILDING
The interior of the building is enormous. It is decorated with an
ice-cream dessert theme: the hovering congressional boxes appear to be
giant meringues, and the central podium where the Supreme Chancellor
stands is a knickerbocker glory, with the Chancellor standing on a glacier
cherry at the very top. Channels cut into the walls allow trickles of
chocolate and strawberry sauce to flow from the top of the chamber to the
bottom, and we can see SENATORS occasionally take out a cup, hold it under
a dripping stream of the liquid, and then drink the result.
We focus on the NAJOISEY CONGRESSIONAL BOX, a meringue drizzled in dark
chocolate sauce and with shavings of a lighter milk chocolate delicately
sprinkled on top. The box is occupied by GRIMM REAPER, the FAKE QUEEN and
IRONYUPPIE, who can’t take her eyes away from the chocolate.
GRIMM REAPER
If the World Trade Organisation moves to defer your motion…
(he sighs theatrically)
Your Majesty, I repeat our only realistic option is to
ask for a resolution to this congressional session and
vote in a new Supreme Chancellor.
IRONYUPPIE
How about Senator The Gunslinger of Canada?
GRIMM REAPER
(grinding teeth)
Let’s…try…again…
IRONYUPPIE shrugs and breaks off a chunk of the chocolate-drizzled
meringue, puts it in her mouth and then closes her eyes and leans back,
her expression drifting into a nirvana of ecstacy. GRIMM REAPER looks
away, embarrassed.
FAKE QUEEN
Won’t Chancellor Gamingboy bring our
motion to a vote?
GRIMM REAPER
He’s afraid. He doesn’t dare.
FAKE QUEEN
Well, I…
She looks askance at IRONYUPPIE, who has her mouth full.
IRONYUPPIE
Fuffin cuff ffu ffuffa!
FAKE QUEEN
(trying to lipread)
I…er…we should invade Iraq?
GRIMM REAPER slaps his forehead in despair.
Meanwhile, on the central knickerbocker glory, GAMINGBOY flips over his
clipboard and reads the new sheet.
GAMINGBOY
The Glory recognises the senator representing
the sovereign system of Najoisey…
The meringue detaches from the wall and floats over to the centre.
However, thanks to the dent IRONYUPPIE has eaten in it, it wobbles
drunkenly over to one side as it does so and the trio are forced to hang
on for dear life.
GRIMM REAPER
(addressing GAMINGBOY)
Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate,
(under his breath)
dead men walking.
(normally: )
A tragedy has occurred in the peaceful system of Najoisey…
We have all been caught in the dreadful trade dispute
I daresay we’re all aware of…
…not least because I ensured everyone was kept up to date with the
relevant news stories, suitably ‘edited’…
…which began right here with the unfair taxation of trade routes.
IRONYUPPIE
(winking at camera)
Isn’t this exciting?!!
Real AH.com Wars stuff!!
GRIMM REAPER
It has now resulted in our entire planet being engulfed
in the brutal oppression of the World Trade Organisation.
A second MERINGUE detaches from the wall and flies over to the centre. It
contains several World Trade Organisation barons, led by FAEELIN.
FAEELIN
(badly dubbed, Chinese accent)
This is…outlageous!
I object to the Senator’s…statements!
GAMINGBOY
The Glory does not recognise the representatives from
the World Trade Organisation at this time…please return
to your position…
The MERINGUE retreats a bit, but not all the way.
GRIMM REAPER
To formally state our allegations, I present
Queen IronYuppie, who recently succeeded
…that’s right, we don’t have an idiotic American who doesn’t
understand the principle behind monarchy writing this one, but Thande, who
for all his faults knows that in an electoral monarchy you don’t elect
fourteen year old girls…
…the throne of Najoisey, to speak on our behalf.
The FAKE QUEEN steps up, IRONYUPPIE muttering in her ear.
IRONYUPPIE
(whispers)
Honourable representatives of the Republic,
distinguished delegates and your Honour
Supreme Chancellor Gamingboy…
FAKE QUEEN
(loudly)
Onerous peripriatics of the ripped public,
distant anguished Delboy Trotters and your
Honour Harrington Gayboy…
IRONYUPPIE groans; murmurs of discontent and outrage throughout the
chamber.
IRONYUPPIE
(mutter)
I come to you under the gravest of circumstances.
The Najoisey system has been invaded by force.
FAKE QUEEN
(loudly)
I come on you under a grave while circumcised.
Nigel’s cystitis has been enervated by forceps.
More mutters of confusion and outrage.
IRONYUPPIE
(whisper)
Last time. If you get this wrong, it’s sleepy-time.
FAKE QUEEN
(sweating)
"Last time! If you get this wrong, it’s sleepy-time!"
IRONYUPPIE
NO! Not yet!
FAEELIN
I do not take…kindly to thleats!
Kindly state your…accusations and be done!
IRONYUPPIE sighs and hands the FAKE QUEEN a piece of paper.
FAKE QUEEN
"Najoisey has been invaded against all
the laws of the Republic by the political
armies of the World Trade Organisation…"
FAEELIN
I object! There is no ploof to these
outlageous accusations.
We recommend a commission be sent
to Najoisey to ascertain the tluth.
GAMINGBOY
Overruled.
FAEELIN
Your Honour, you cannot simply allow
us to be condemned without…reasonable observation.
It’s against all the rules of plocedure.
A third MERINGUE leaves the wall and floats into the centre. It is
occupied by the Senator for Spain, CONDOTTIERO.
CONDOTTIERO
The Catholic Royal Republican Kingdom-Empire of Spain
concurs with the honourable delegate representing the
World Trade Organisation. A commission must be
appointed…that is the law.
GAMINGBOY
(hesitates)
The law…
There is a pause as GAMINGBOY hurriedly speaks with various advisors and
aides who are seated on wafers and bits of Curly-Wurly surrounding his
central glacier cherry. IRONYUPPIE and GRIMM REAPER look on pensively.
GRIMM REAPER
(a cold mutter)
Enter the bureaucrats, the true rulers of
the Republic…and on the payroll of the
World Trade Organisation, I might add.
This, this is where Supreme Chancellor
Gamingboy’s power will disappear.
GAMINGBOY
(deep breath)
The point is conceded…section 2442-pi-alpha
of the European Constitution clearly takes
precedence here…
Queen IronYuppie of the Najoiseyians,
will you defer your motion to allow
a commission to investigate the
validity of your accusations?
IRONYUPPIE
(incensed)
I will not…
She suddenly remembers and starts speaking in the FAKE QUEEN’s ear
instead.
IRONYUPPIE/FAKE QUEEN
I will not defer! I have come before you to resolve
this attack on our sovereignty now! I did not succeed
the throne of Najoisey to see my people suffer and die
while you discuss whether I am lying or not!
GAMINGBOY
(taken aback)
Your Majesty, I-
IRONYUPPIE/FAKE QUEEN
If this body is not capable of action, heh heh,
I suggest we need new blood.
(loudly)
I move for a vote of no confidence in
Supreme Chancellor Gamingboy’s leadership!
GAMINGBOY
(betrayed)
What?! …No!
As GAMINGBOY stands, befuddled, his Vice-Chair, IÑAKI, steps forward.
IÑAKI
Order! Order!
But more MERINGUES detach and float into the middle.
THE GUNSLINGER
Canada seconds the motion for a
vote of no confidence in
Chancellor Gamingboy!
IÑAKI
For the record, the motion has been
seconded by Senator The Gunslinger of Canada.
IÑAKI turns to the confused GAMINGBOY and whispers something to him.
THE GUNSLINGER
There must be no delays.
The motion is on the floor
and must be voted for in this session.
FAEELIN
The World Trade Organisation moves
that the motion be sent to the plocedures
committee for study…
But we hear ‘Vote Now! Vote Now!’ as a slowly rising chant among the
Senators. Over on the Najoiseyian Meringue, GRIMM REAPER smirks and puts
his somewhat lighter wallet away. He then turns to IRONYUPPIE.
GRIMM REAPER
You see, Your Majesty, the tide is now with us…
Gamingboy will be voted out, I assure you,
and they will elect a new Chancellor, a strong
Chancellor, one who will not let our tragedy continue…
IÑAKI
The Supreme Chancellor requests a recess.
Tomorrow we will begin the vote.
Both THE GUNSLINGER and FAEELIN seem outraged at this compromise. As they
argue, in the foreground GAMINGBOY turns to GRIMM REAPER and stares in
shock.
GAMINGBOY
(whispering to himself)
Grimm…you were my ally…my friend…
How could you have betrayed me…?
GRIMM REAPER
(winking)
Start as you mean to go on!
GAMINGBOY
I’m depressed.
GAMINGBOY sits down on his glacier cherry, then pauses and begins to scoop
handfuls of ice cream out of his knickerbocker glory and eat them.
GAMINGBOY
That’s better.
EXT. – KITJEDI TEMPLE – BALCONY
SIONEWIG and DOCTOR WHAT stand outside the Temple on a balcony, watching
the flying streams of traffic.
DOCTOR WHAT
The boy will not pass the Council’s tests, Master.
He is just too old.
SIONEWIG
Landshark will become a Kitjedi. I promise you that.
DOCTOR WHAT
Please don’t defy the Council, Master…
Not again…
SIONEWIG
I’ll do what I must.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Master, you could be on the Council
now if you’d just follow the Code and the Laws…
They will not go along with you this time.
SIONEWIG
(winking)
You still have much to learn, my young apprentice.
INT. – KITJEDI TEMPLE – COUNCIL CHAMBER
LANDSHARK stands before the Council. A succession of geometrical images
flicker on a screen in front of GREY WOLF, obviously out of sight to
LANDSHARK.
LANDSHARK
Wavy lines…
Wavy lines…
Wavy lines…
(pause)
Wavy lines…
GREY WOLF
Hmm, I think we need some more
varied images sort of thing…
(to LANDSHARK)
Hey, boy, do you know
what a badass motherf**ker is?
KITJED21
(coughs diplomatically)
I know, we can use my holiday snaps.
SATYRANE
Ermm…are you sure that’s a good idea?
KITJED21 ignores him and inserts a disk into the computer, watching it
slide in with a curiously intent expression on his face. A new succession
of images begin to flicker over the screen; we only see the first couple,
then we go back to LANDSHARK’s point of view. The Kitjedi’s
expressions get more and more horrified as the images progress, except
KITJED21 who looks more smug.
LANDSHARK
A bar…
An Italian guy with green eyes…
A close up of said green eyes…
Clothes in pile on floor…
(frowns in concentration)
Is that a…fire extinguisher?
SATYRANE, BIRDIE, GREY WOLF
THE FORKS!!! WHERE’RE THE FORKS!!!
KITJED21
(smirks)
Admit it, I still got you all outmastered.
LANDSHARK
So I passed the test then?
KITJED21
(nodding)
How do you feel?
LANDSHARK
With my fingertips, you dozy git,
same as everyone else.
KITJED21
Ah. Smartarse you are.
Are you afraid?
LANDSHARK
No.
KITJED21
Afraid to give up your life?
LANDSHARK
Well duh!
SATYRANE
Your thoughts dwell on your mother…
LANDSHARK
Hey! Get out of my head!
You can be locked up for that sort of thing!
KITJED21
You are afraid to lose her.
LANDSHARK
What’s that got to do with anything?!
KITJED21
Everything.
Fear is the path to the Straight Side.
Fear leads to anger, anger leads to
hate, and hate leads to heterosexuality.
LANDSHARK
(scratching his head)
Ummm…are you sure about
that last part there?
KITJED21
Do not doubt me!
(pause)
To be a Kitjedi you must be devoid of
fear, and I sense fear still in you.
LANDSHARK
Piss off you bloody sheepshagger!
I’m not afraid of nowt nowhow!
KITJED21
Then we will continue.
INT. – GRIMM REAPER’S QUARTERS
The FAKE QUEEN and IRONYUPPIE are watching the sun go down. As they do,
RADICAL_NEUTURAL joins them and watches too.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
kewl…
IRONYUPPIE
(sighing)
But all I can think of is all those
people dying back on Najoisey.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
irritatingungans 2 u thnik?
IRONYUPPIE
Hope springs eternal.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(strikes a pose)
irritatingungans dnot dei wihthuot an
fite. weesa warrifiters. wesa got an
grnad amry. taht’s y u no liek us,
yuo fcukin crakcheasd.
IRONYUPPIE thinks about this as GRIMM REAPER and THE SANDMAN dash into the
room, giving her a cursory bow.
THE SANDMAN
Your Majesty! Senator Reaper has been
nominated to succeed Gamingboy as
the Supreme Chancellor!
GRIMM REAPER
(smiling insincerely)
A surprise to me, of course…
…although not to my bank balance…
…I promise, Your Majesty, if I am elected,
that I will democracy back to the Republic,
I will end corruption, the World Trade
Organisation will lose its grip on the bureaucrats,
our people will be freed, and there are no American
troops anywhere near Baghdad, especially not behind me.
IRONYUPPIE
There are other candidates, though?
GRIMM REAPER
I am confident that our cause will strike a chord.
…and those other nominees will strike the bottom of the river with
their new concrete shoes…
I will be Chancellor, I promise you.
IRONYUPPIE
But by the time you have control over the
bureaucrats, it might be too late for our people…
GRIMM REAPER
Your concerns are important to us, Your Majesty.
But for now the law is on the WTO’s side.
IRONYUPPIE
(shrugs)
With the Senate in transition, there’s nothing
more I can do here…Senator, this is your arena.
Now I must return to mine.
(abruptly)
I have decided to return to Najoisey.
My place is with my people.
GRIMM REAPER
(appalled)
Go back?! But Your Majesty, be realistic!
You would be in danger, they would force
you to sign their treaty!
…and more to the point, that wasn’t part of my super secret master
plan ©G. Reaper…
IRONYUPPIE
I will sign no treaty, Senator…
My fate is with my people. And their Nutella.
Captain!
THE SANDMAN
(whimpering in impending doom)
Yes your Majesty?!
IRONYUPPIE
Ready my ship!
ALL LEAVE except GRIMM REAPER, who looks self-satisfied but has a worried
tic going on.
GRIMM REAPER
(muttering to himself)
Now where’s my big ominous
dark hooded cloak type thing…
INT. – TEMPLE OF THE KITJEDI – COUNCIL ROOM
It is night and outside we see the city lights and the lights of the
passing air traffic. The silent trio of LANDSHARK, SIONEWIG and DOCTOR
WHAT stand before the shadowed Kitjedi Council members.
KITJED21
You were right, Si-On, is it?
GREY WOLF
Um, his cells do contain very high
concentrations of mitochondria.
SATYRANE
(significantly)
The Innuendo is strong in him.
SIONEWIG
(eagerly)
Then he will be trained.
GREY WOLF
Um, no.
LANDSHARK
(angry)
What?! What the hell’s that all about?!
You don’t even have the excuse of
being a bloody stupid damned colonial!
GREY WOLF
(recoils)
Um, nothing personal. But you’re too old.
LANDSHARK
(muttering to himself)
That’s not what Erikké said, quite the opposite…
KITJED21
There is too much anger in him…
LANDSHARK
(incensed)
I AM NOT ANGRY!
AND IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN, I’LL
RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND COMMIT
UNSPEAKABLE ACTS DOWN THE HOLE!
KITJED21
(keenly interested)
Promise?
LANDSHARK
(remembers who he’s talking to)
Dammit.
SIONEWIG
(coughing pointedly)
Masters, he is the Chosen One.
You must see it.
DOCTOR WHAT looks over SIONEWIG’s shoulders at the Council members and
gives them an embarrassed, apologetic look.
SATYRANE
(pensively)
His future is…clouded.
KITJED21
Masked by his youth…
SIONEWIG
(decisively)
Then I shall train him myself.
I shall take him on as my Paddywack-learner.
DOCTOR WHAT reacts with surprise, LANDSHARK with interest.
SATYRANE
You already have an apprentice, Si-On.
BIRDIE
Doctor-What Lombardi, the promising
but so impetuous youth…
DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
I’M RIGHT HERE!
They ignore him.
KITJED21
You cannot take on two apprentices at once.
GREY WOLF
Um, I forbid it!
(happily)
Gosh, I think I just felt a hit of authoritarian pleasure.
No wonder those social conservatives in the
USA have so much fun…
SIONEWIG
Doctor-What is ready.
DOCTOR WHAT looks surprised, but steps forward.
DOCTOR WHAT
Yes. Yes, I am ready to face the trials.
SATYRANE
Really? Even the egg and spoon race?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shuffling his feet)
All right, I might need a little time to
practice for that one.
KITJED21
(to SIONEWIG)
Ready, is he, llook you?
What do you know about ready?
SIONEWIG gives KITJED21 an angry look.
SIONEWIG
Doctor-What may be headstrong and he has
much to learn yet about the Innuendo, but
he is capable. There is little more that he
can learn from me.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, you could tell me the combination
for that safe where you keep all the
extra-hot reinforced-
SIONEWIG shushes him.
KITJED21
The Council shall keep its own, ahah, counsel
on whether he is ready yet. He has more to learn…
GREY WOLF
Um, now is not the time for this.
The Senate is voting for a new Supreme Chancellor.
SATYRANE
And Queen IronYuppie is returning home, which
will put pressure on the World Trade Organisation
and could widen the confrontation.
KITJED21
(significantly)
And draw out this mysterious attacker…
BIRDIE
Events are moving fast. Too fast.
GREY WOLF
Um, you should go with Queen IronYuppie back to
Najoisey and discover the identity of this attacker.
This might be the clue we need to unravel the
mystery of the Miffed Lords.
KITJED21
Young Slywanker’s fate will be decided later.
SIONEWIG
I brought Landshark here. He must stay in
my charge; he has nowhere else to go.
LANDSHARK
Well, actually, now that you mention it,
I’ve heard interesting things about the
red light district here and-
KITJED21
(coughing hurriedly)
All right, take him with you, whateffar.
GREY WOLF
But do not train him!
I forbid it!
(looks happy again)
Perhaps this is what it means to be
a badass motherf**ker?
SATYRANE
(to SIONEWIG)
Protect the Queen, but do not intercede if it comes to war.
BIRDIE
Not until we have Senate approval.
KITJED21
May the Innuendo be with you.
The three bow and walk out.
LANDSHARK
(muttering)
They’re no better than the Senate…
We need a strong central authority…
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – LANDING PLATFORM
It is night. The Bacofoil sits on the platform where it landed.
PAULSPRING-D2 pops inside as we watch, pursued by RADICAL_NEUTURAL.
SIONEWIG and DOCTOR WHAT are arguing just outside, eavesdropped upon by
LANDSHARK.
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s not disrespect, Master, it’s the truth.
SIONEWIG
From your point of view.
DOCTOR WHAT
(snorts)
Oh come on. I’ve no time for that ‘certain
point of view’ bullsh*t.
(winks ironically at camera)
Of course not.
SIONEWIG
Have you finished?
DOCTOR WHAT
The boy is…dangerous. The Council
all sense it. Why can’t you?
SIONEWIG
His fate is uncertain, not dangerous.
The Council will decide Landshark’s future, not you.
That should be enough for you – now get aboard!
SIONEWIG watches as DOCTOR WHAT huffily goes into the ship. LANDSHARK
looks on, his arms folded.
LANDSHARK
Dangerous, eh?
SIONEWIG
(turning around)
Oh, there you are, Landie.
LANDSHARK
Stop calling me ‘Landie’!
(in a different tone of voice)
So what are these mitochondria, anyway?
SIONEWIG smiles and bends down, talking to LANDSHARK on his level.
SIONEWIG
Mitochondria are symbiotic organelles that
grow within our eukaryotic cells, thought
to have been produced by envelopment of
free-living bacteria owing to DNA sequence
similarity with modern free-living bacteria.
By means of an electron transport chain coupled
to oxygen as the ultimate electron acceptor, they
allow us to produce energy to run our bodies in
the form of adenosine triphosphate.
LANDSHARK
Eh? What’s all that got to do with the Innuendo?
SIONEWIG
Well, nothing, but at least Thande’s
science makes more sense than Lucas’.
SIONEWIG gets up as a taxi pulls up, containing IRONYUPPIE, the FAKE
QUEEN, the HANDMAIDENS and THE SANDMAN.
SIONEWIG
Your Majesty. It is our pleasure to protect you.
LANDSHARK
(laughing derisively)
Yeah, like she needs it.
IRONYUPPIE
(smiling disturbingly)
Oh, I don’t know, I can always use
a little…protection…
LANDSHARK
oooooooohhhh….
SIONEWIG
(coughing hastily)
I won’t let the WTO destroy you.
IRONYUPPIE
(dryly)
I thank you for your assistance.
Everyone goes into the Bacofoil and it takes off.
INT. – NAJOISEY ROYAL PALACE
HENDRYK and GAIJIN stand before a hologram of DARTH POLITICUS (again…)
DARTH POLITICUS
The Queen is on her way to you.
I regret she is of no further use to me…
When she gets there, destroy her.
(winks at camera, pulls back hood)
No folks, I ain’t stupid, but maybe
she’ll get rid of these annoying
wankers for me…
HENDRYK
(looking a bit hurt)
Yes, my lord.
DARTH POLITICUS
Viceroy, is the planet secure?
HENDRYK
Yes, my lord. We are cullently
taking contlol of the last pockets
of plimitive life forms.
GAIJIN
We are now in comprete
control of the pranet.
DARTH POLITICUS
Good. I will see that things stay
as they are in the Senate.
I am sending Darth Ljofa to join you;
he shall deal with the Kitjedi.
HENDRYK
Yes, my lord.
The hologram fizzles out.
GAIJIN
A Miffed Lord here with us?!
HENDRYK
(dreamily)
Yeah, how cool is that?!
INT. – HMS BACOFOIL – MAIN CABIN – DAY
LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, THE SANDMAN, DOCTOR WHAT, SIONEWIG, the FAKE QUEEN
and RADICAL_NEUTURAL are all sitting in a circle while the blue hyperlinks
of cyberspace streak past visible in the window. All of them possess long
white beards, although they do not appear to have aged otherwise.
LANDSHARK
Why does it feel like so much time has passed?
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
bcaus, yuo fcukin crakhed, yuo
tuoch yuorslef at nihgt!
LANDSHARK
Nonsense. If that were true, Nek would
have transported himself to the far future by now.
Cut to
INT. – NEK’S PARENTS’ BASEMENT – LEICESTER
NEK, with a long white beard, is clicking away at AH.com on a computer. He
spreads his arms and yawns lethargically.
NEK
That’s enough innuendo for one night...
NEK gets up and walks up the stairs to find:
EXT. – LEICESTER – SUNSET
NEK stares at the horizon, where a massive bloated red sun in hanging, and
the moon is smashed to fragments. Meteorites and terrific bolts of
lightning streak through the sky. Bizarre life forms crawl over the baked,
blackened rock of the landscape. Any signs of human civilisation have long
since been obliterated.
NEK
Typical Saturday night for Leicester really.
Return to
INT. – HMS BACOFOIL – MAIN CABIN – DAY
Everyone is busy with a razor except IRONYUPPIE who has a pair of wax
strips in hand. As we watch, she slaps one on LANDSHARK’s face and the
other on THE SANDMAN’s, then yanks on them and rips away huge chunks of
beard. Red mist goes everywhere.
THE SANDMAN
THE PAINN!!!!!
LANDSHARK
Yeah, isn’t it fine?
DOCTOR WHAT
I find that strangely arousing.
SIONEWIG
That catchphrase is a hoary old cliché now!
DOCTOR WHAT
But at the beginning of this film it was still
a new development, so I am exploiting a loophole.
Behind him, visible in the window showing the blue sky of cyberspace
outside, a spacesuited figure crawls along Bacofoil’s hull and across
the window. His space helmet has Viking-style horns. It’s THE BALD
IMPOSTER.
THE BALD IMPOSTER
(silently, but holding up cue cards)
Why you little...
I’LL LOOPHOLE YOU!
THE BALD IMPOSTER attempts to smash through the glass to get at DOCTOR
WHAT, but bounces off. His spacesuited figure retreats into the distance.
EXT. – CYBERSPACE – BACOFOIL
The silvery ship flies away and THE BALD IMPOSTER drifts off into
cyberspace.
THE BALD IMPOSTER
Darn.
(hopefully)
Any chance of an unnecessarily long
special effects sequence which culminates
in a bizarre and inexplicable series of scenes
at the end of which I am reborn as an embryo?
Dead silence.
THE BALD IMPOSTER
Bugger.
He drifts off into the sea of hyperlinks...and some of them grow close
enough for the letters making them up to become legible, until they can be
read...
THE BALD IMPOSTER
My God, it’s...it’s full of...porn!
A burst of brilliant white light consumes the camera.
INT. – HMS BACOFOIL – MAIN CABIN – DAY
Everyone has disposed of their beard and there is a pile of white fluff on
the floor. DOCTOR WHAT develops a troubled expression.
SIONEWIG
What is it?
DOCTOR WHAT
I felt a great disturbance in the Board...
(annoyed tones)
To be precise, a great jealousy, in ME!
SIONEWIG
(shakes his head)
Never mind.
(pause)
So...what do you want to do to pass
the time until we get back to Najoisey?
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I’ve read about this game you
play where you mix everything up
and then have to make new things out
of the bits by picking them out of a bag.
THE SANDMAN
What, Scrabble?
DOCTOR WHAT
...or we could play Scrabble.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(brightens up)
graet! mesa luv tihs gmae!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL pulls out a book labelled ‘Irritatingungan Scrabble
Dictionary’, then begins laying the tiles on the board.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
tehre, "yuo, fcukin, crakhed!"
tirple letetr socre!!! mesa wni!
LANDSHARK
Remind me why I didn’t let him
be slaughtered earlier.
IRONYUPPIE
I presume the fanboys will explain it
away by claiming that it is a manifestation
of your latent Innuendo sense that it was
a major plot point.
LANDSHARK
In which case my Innuendo sucks.
At this rate I’ll probably go and betray
the Kitjedi and get you killed or something.
IRONYUPPIE
Way to go with the blatant foreshadowing, Sharkboy.
THE SANDMAN shakes his head in despair.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR NAJOISEY
The Bacofoil emerges from cyberspace and the planet Najoisey – northern
half grimy and industrial, southern half lush and verdant – is revealed
before them. One World Trade Organisation fried egg battleship, the
Cholesterol itself, is orbiting and stands between the planet and them.
INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT
THE SANDMAN
Only one WTO ship remains, it’s the
control ship for the Battle Politicals.
Coincidentally it happens to be bang smack
in the middle of its orbit so it appears on the
main screen as I’m saying all this.
IRONYUPPIE
(sarcastically)
Well isn’t that oh-so-convenient.
SIONEWIG
The Innuendo is with us.
This is the power of the
Vortex of Plotdeviceius.
(smiles)
LANDSHARK
Yeah whatever dude.
How about we get our
arses down to that godforsaken
planet of damned colonials, anyway?
EXT. – SPACE – NAJOISEY
The Bacofoil flies straight past the Cholesterol and on to Najoisey.
INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT
LANDSHARK
Why the heck haven’t the World Trade Organisation
noticed we’re here? Are they asleep or something?
Cut to
INT. – CHOLESTEROL – BRIDGE
All the WTO people are sprawled on the floor, moaning, except HENDRYK who
is standing up and facing away from all the screens showing the Bacofoil
as it slips past.
GAIJIN
You’re – quite – right, Viceroy.
(winces)
The ancient Chinese technique of sticking
six inch rusty nails in your eyes is indeed most
conducive to reraxation.
HENDRYK
Good. Next time, it’s tentacles for the lot of you!
GAIJIN
Nooo...anything but that...
HENDRYK
(imperiously)
I’m going down to the planet
to meet Lord Ljofa.
HENDRYK sweeps majestically past the rest of them, moving like a
battleship in his robes, and out of the bridge.
INT. – BACOFOIL – COCKPIT
As before.
SIONEWIG
(to LANDSHARK)
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
LANDSHARK
And what the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?
SIONEWIG
(with dignity)
One day you shall know the true power of the Innuendo.
LANDSHARK
Strikes me that only Master Kitjed could
get a gift from a horse’s mouth.
Everyone shifts uncomfortably.
THE SANDMAN
I don’t see how this can do any good,
Your Majesty. We don’t have an army.
IRONYUPPIE
No, but the Irritatingungans do.
Right, Rad Rad?
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
tahts rihgt yuo fcukng carkheaead!
THE SANDMAN
(blood drains from his face)
You’re going to spam them to death?
IRONYUPPIE
(smiles)
Yes. Illiterate trolls versus political trolls.
Most exquisite, no?
Everyone shudders, except LANDSHARK.
LANDSHARK
Your depths of perversity know no end, my lady.
(thoughtfully)
I feel the urge to compose some bad poetry...
~~
EXT. – IRRITATINGUNGAN SWAMP – DAY
The Bacofoil comes to land right next to the edge of the Irritatingungan
swamp. The hatchway opens, a stairway comes down and several Najoiseyian
troops under THE SANDMAN come out, then form an honour guard with their
swords. IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, the FAKE QUEEN and the two Kitjedi walk
out, followed by the gangling RADICAL_NEUTURAL who moves more like someone
falling over horizontally.
IRONYUPPIE
Go, Rad Rad!
Get your people’s warriors!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
wlil du yuu fcukngi carkehad!
DOCTOR WHAT
(as an aside to SIONEWIG)
Does anyone actually know what he’s saying?
It sounds like it might be insulting.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL walks up to the edge of the swamp, holds his nose and
drops in.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(bubbling)
hye! mesa hmoe! cum otu!
(pause)
aynoen dere?
(pause)
ho ih mr sealion…
There is a flurry of movement and a burst of red in the water. Everyone
stares anxiously, then slumps in disappointment when RADICAL_NEUTURAL
surfaces unharmed. He’s carrying a fish in one hand and bites the head
off as we watch.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
irritatingungan ciyt gon!
distroid bi plitcals!
DOCTOR WHAT stares at SIONEWIG.
SIONEWIG
What do we do now?
DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t know.
(pause)
I know, I’ll ask this gentleman here.
DOCTOR WHAT turns to find a being behind him wearing a giant blue sock
over his entire body.
BEING
(squeaky voice)
Hi! I’m Professor Leibstrom!
SIONEWIG
(suspiciously)
Wait a moment –
That’s a sock puppet!
SIONEWIG pulls off the giant sock to reveal that beneath it is
THEGREATCOCANUT.
THEGREATCOCANUT
hye uyo fcuoukin cafvkred!
i wsa hiddng udner tehre!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
yay! teh irritatinungan poeple
havnt bin distroid!
THEGREATCOCANUT
ho tis yuo. bguger.
(shouts)
evrybod otu!
From the forest behind him, a massive army of more SOCK PUPPETS emerges,
then each member pulls the sock off its head to reveal an Irritatingungan.
In the first rank is IOKUA.
IRONYUPPIE
(addressing THEGREATCOCANUT)
I want you to use your army to take on
the World Trade Organisation’s battle politicals.
THEGREATCOCANUT
fcuk of an dei yuo fckin cakred!
wie shud i du dat??
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(conspiratorially, to IOKUA)
hse got na piont.
IOKUA
slience tairtor!
i havnt forgotn yuo wer bnashishd
fr bin 2 coherent.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
tihs sckus.
IRONYUPPIE
(to THEGREATCOCANUT)
Look, if you agree to help us, I’ll throw in
this bit character, all right-
She picks up the FAKE QUEEN with one hand and tosses her to
THEGREATCOCANUT’s feet.
IRONYUPPIE
-who Thande didn’t even bother to
come up with an AH.com analogue for.
INT. – SLYWANKER RANCH – VIDEO CONTROL ROOM – DAY
THANDE is reclining on a giant throne-like chair, eating popcorn, while
his assistant G.BONE is fiddling with a huge set of video screens showing
scenes from the movie, and occasionally slurping a soda.
THANDE
(shouting at IRONYUPPIE’s image)
Hey!!! Is it my fault that we only
have two female regulars?!
G.BONE
Well, um, dude, surely one could make
the point that you can be blamed for everything?
THANDE
(chews this over)
Shut up and drink your soda.
EXT. – IRRITATINGUNGAN SWAMP – DAY
As before.
THEGREATCOCANUT laughs.
THEGREATCOCANUT
ho yuov gto yurslef an dael!
(looks lustfully at the FAKE QUEEN)
seh evne luks a bti liek mi hto sitsre!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(resentfully)
tahts wot I wsa gnoing 2 sae…
THEGREATCOCANUT
(glancing up at him)
yuo, rad rad neut, wlil laed oru
frocses itno batlte!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ho siht.
INT. – NAJOISEYIAN ROYAL PALACE – DAY
HENDRYK and DARTH LJOFA are walking along beside a hologram of DARTH
POLITICUS (GRIMM REAPER).
HENDRYK
We have located her ship in the swamp my lord.
It will not be soon before we go all
cultural revorution on her ass!
DARTH POLITICUS
(musingly)
I did not expect this from her. So…aggressive.
…and so unlike the IronYuppie we all know and love of course…
Lord Ljofa, be mindful of this.
DARTH LJOFA’s green and black face twists into an uncomfortable
expression as he struggles to try and introduce some variety into his
line, but…
DARTH LJOFA
(giving up)
Yes, my master.
DARTH POLITICUS
Be patient. Let them make the first move.
EXT. – NAJOISEYIAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
A massive Irritatingungan army moves off across the green and pleasant
land. It is composed entirely of gangling, swearing trolls and is led by
RADICAL_NEUTURAL and LJOFA. THE SANDMAN watches the display with
misgivings.
THE SANDMAN
Your Majesty, the World Trade Organisation
forces are far superior. We cannot hope to
defeat them with, with this.
IRONYUPPIE
No, but it will result in a lot of dead Irritatingungans.
THE SANDMAN
Oh, I see…
(shudders)
You’re so evil.
IRONYUPPIE
(grins girlishly)
I know!
SIONEWIG
(musingly)
Then, while the Irritatingungans draw out their army,
we sneak into the royal palace, break out the pilots,
get them to fly against the political control ship, and blow it up!
(smiles)
What could possibly go wrong?
SIONEWIG unbuttons his robe to reveal that underneath he is wearing a red
shirt with a concentric circle pattern centred on his heart.
EXT. – NAJOISEYIAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
The Irritatingungan army forms up on one side of a field, while on the
other, the World Trade Organisation’s BATTLE POLITICALS – political
pundits with cyborg implants and huge plasma rifles – line up on the
other. It is an epic collection of CGI.
Zoom out to show that the scene is shown on a screen in…
INT. – SLYWANKER RANCH – VIDEO CONTROL ROOM – DAY
G.BONE adjusts the screen. THANDE claps his hands gleefully.
THANDE
Yes! A superb CGI battle scene between an army of
meaningless bad guys who’ve committed atrocities
against some people on a planet the audience doesn’t
give a toss about,
(takes deep breath)
and a bunch of irritating loser aliens who perpetuate
an insulting stereotype and the audience actively want to lose!
(smiles)
This is SO much better than my earlier movies!
G.BONE
(rolls his eyes)
Must be pretty dull for the cameramen though.
Only the landscape is real, everything else is CGI.
THANDE
Ah yes…
EXT. – NAJOISEYIAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
The same scene as before, but it is utterly blank and featureless. Two
cameramen with huge cameras, NEK and DAVID BAR ELIAS, are sitting and
looking bored as they take shots of the unmoving countryside.
NEK
So, do you think it’s true that this movie
will far surpass the originals and begin an
enduring and worthy prequel trilogy?
DAVID BAR ELIAS
Well bar mitzvah Nek, purim what rabbinate
I magen david think menorah is schlemiel it
oy can’t yerushalayim be reb anything l’chaim but!
NEK
Yeah, you’re right.
(pause)
You’re…not Jewish by any chance are you?
INT. – UNDER NAJOISEYIAN ROYAL PALACE – HANGAR – DAY
The two Kitjedi, IRONYUPPIE and THE SANDMAN’s Najoiseyian forces break
into the hangar and begin blasting away at the few battle politicals on
guard. PAULSPRING-D2 toddles along behind them.
SIONEWIG
Now remember Landie,
find a safe place and stay there.
LANDSHARK
What, like…Darlington??!
Fuck that!
The battle politicals, who are oh so intimidating villains, are rapidly
dispatched by the laserfire from the guards and the Kitjedi’s Sexsword
work. They free the pilots, who get into their Alankey Fighters.
LANDSHARK hops into one of the Alankeys as well and PAULSPRING-D2 gets in
behind him.
LANDSHARK
(sarcastically)
Oh, I wonder what this button does.
The fighter takes off and flies after the rest of them. SIONEWIG shakes
his head.
SIONEWIG
Sometimes I worry about that boy.
DOCTOR WHAT
I know what you mean, I haven’t seen
him read one lesbian porn magazine-
Suddenly the great doorway before them opens up to reveal that behind it
is…
DARTH LJOFA.
Scowling, he brings up his bulky Sexsword. He touches a control and a
green blade flops out of one end, then stiffens to a straight line…
Then he touches another control and a second blade emerges from the other
side.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wowww!! Lesbian Sexsword!!
That’s so cool!!
SIONEWIG edges away from his Paddywack.
LJOFA scowls at them again and touches yet another control and a THIRD
blade emerges.
DOCTOR WHAT
(blissful smile)
Lesbian THREESOME Sexsword!
Finally LJOFA presses one last control and about seven more blades flick
out. The final Sexsword is more like a spiny sea urchin of blades that he
fits over one of his fists and rotates in their faces.
DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at it)
We’ve got to survive this fight, Master.
SIONEWIG
(sighing)
Finally…
DOCTOR WHAT
(seriously)
If only because I have GOT to work
a lesbian tensome using that thing into
my next Series episode…
SIONEWIG
(groans)
Can we just fight him?
DOCTOR WHAT
Righto!
DOCTOR WHAT pulls out his saxophone and plays the Last Post (as a jazz
variation), then puts it away.
SIONEWIG/DOCTOR WHAT
Huzzah!!
They both leap for LJOFA, and being fighting with their Sexswords in a
brilliant and epic fight that goes down the corridor. IRONYUPPIE and THE
SANDMAN’s troops watch in silence.
IRONYUPPIE
You can have too much of a good thing.
(shouting)
Now, to the ramparts!
(smiles)
We’re going to find Viceroy Hendryk and
see about this…treaty of his…
THE SANDMAN shudders.
~~
EXT. – SPACE ABOVE NAJOISEY
LANDSHARK’s Alankey Fighter weaves from side to side among the other
Najoiseyian ones, causing endless collisions.
INT. – LANDSHARK’S COCKPIT
LANDSHARK looks on dispassionately as three more Najoiseyian fighters try
to dodge his movements and end up crashing into each other.
LANDSHARK
Bloody colonials driving on the wrong side of space…
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR CHOLESTEROL
As the Najoiseyian fighters get nearer to it, the Cholesterol opens its
hangar bays and begins spewing clouds of small zeppelins.
INT. – LANDSHARK’S COCKPIT
VOICE OF A NAJOISEYIAN PILOT
(over radio)
My God – they’re using airships against us!
General chorus of ‘NOOO!!! NOT AIRSHIPS!!’ etc.
LANDSHARK takes a closer look at the airships as they form up into
squadrons.
LANDSHARK
They’re not proper airships!
They’re advertising blimps!
The blimps shoot towards the (far fewer) Najoiseyian fighters and
then pass by them on either side. As they do so, the aerials protruding
from their sides light up, and LANDSHARK’s radio comes on again…
AMERICAN VOICE
Yes, for the security to know that you’re
safe in your separate beds from terrorists,
liberals and gaysexuals, vote Santorum-Coulter in 2008!
LANDSHARK slams his hands over his ears, fragments of swearwords emerging
from between his clenched teeth.
LANDSHARK
Political advertising blimps…
Now I feel unclean.
(his eyes narrow)
Time to die.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep wheeble wheep!
(translation: )
I thought that was quite a sensible
and moderate platform, myself,
EXT. – SPACE – BATTLE
LANDSHARK’s fighter pivots and he pilots it skilfully through the
confused mess of Najoiseyian fighters and World Trade Organisation blimps.
He begins blazing away with the lasers and a half-dozen blimps are torn
apart.
INT. – LANDSHARK’S COCKPIT
LANDSHARK smirks with glee as he makes his attack, but then looks more
solemn as – in a reflected view on his cockpit canopy – we see the
blimps going up in bursts of flame.
LANDSHARK
(looking upward in supplication)
Look, you understand that they’re not
real airships, okay?
INT. – NAJOISEYIAN ROYAL PALACE – BASEMENT
DOCTOR WHAT and SIONEWIG battle DARTH LJOFA and his bewilderingly complex
spinning multi-Sexsword, in a Sexsword battle that is absolutely brilliant
and shows DOCTOR WHAT possessing far more skill with the weapon than he
will ever show in any other fight, just for continuity’s sake. LJOFA’s
spinning the weapon means that he keeps cutting nicks into the floor
around the battleground.
SIONEWIG sends several quick strikes against LJOFA, each of which are met
by one of the ten blades. DOCTOR WHAT tries to get behind him but LJOFA
spins around and slams aside DOCTOR WHAT’s own Sexsword blade with such
force that DOCTOR WHAT nearly topples over. However, SIONEWIG takes
advantage of LJOFA being occupied to attempt another attack…
LJOFA narrowly dodges SIONEWIG’s strike and makes another unrealistic
backflip to end up a few feet away. He scowls and hisses at them.
SIONEWIG
(panting)
How do you expect to beat us?
LJOFA
Like this.
LJOFA stabs down one of his ten blades a final time. Change to a wide
shot, revealing that all the supposedly ‘random’ nicks LJOFA cut into
the floor before actually crisscross and overlap to form a circle cut into
the floor around DOCTOR WHAT and SIONEWIG. LJOFA’s last strike completes
the circle and we hear an urgent mechanical groan as the floor shifts.
DOCTOR WHAT
Aw crap…
LJOFA
(smirking)
Bye-bye.
The floor gives way, a huge irregular circle coming loose and crashing
into the depths below, taking DOCTOR WHAT and SIONEWIG with it. However,
SIONEWIG lunges forward as the floor collapses, trying to escape, and in
so doing manages to grab LJOFA’s ankle.
LJOFA
Shiiiiiiiiiiit!
SIONEWIG drags LJOFA into the pit as well and all three fall away.
EXT. – NAJOISEYIAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
The huge Irritatingungan army has begun fighting the equally large and
powerful World Trade Organisation army led by the battle political
ORBEYONDE. Focus on the Irritatingungan leaders.
IOKUA
tehy rae otufalnkng su!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
tehn du sumfin abuto ti!
IOKUA
fcuk of.
Pull out again to reveal:
INT. – SLYWANKER RANCH – VIDEO CONTROL ROOM – DAY
As before. THANDE is staring avidly at the screens showing the CGI battle,
while G.BONE is slurping his soda.
THANDE
Yes! Yes! This will the best
AH.com Wars battle of all time!
(smiles)
The fans won’t care at all about that
silly thing with the Wankers on Coldh
in Episode V after this one!
(to G.BONE)
Hey, quick, focus on those Irritatingungans
on segment 3, I bet we’ll have entire fan fiction
epics written about every single soldier fighting
in this battle…
G.BONE
(rolls his eyes)
Sure thing dude.
G.BONE reaches out to adjust the controls, but as he does so, he knocks
over his soda. Liquid spills over the main computer console and soaks into
all the keyboards. Sparks fly, screens flicker and dim, and…
EXT. – NAJOISEYIAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
Huge chunks of the Irritatingungan and World Trade Organisation armies –
both CGI – begin flickering in and out of existence as the CGI computers
melt down. Focus on ORBEYONDE as he sights on the Irritatingungan leaders,
on RADICAL_NEUTURAL, and fires his rocket launcher. The camera follows the
rocket in its flight in slow motion, as portions of both armies fade to
nothing, and the rocket speeds right towards RADICAL_NEUTURAL…
Then the rocket, and ORBEYONDE, vanish along with the rest of the WTO army
just before the rocket would have hit RADICAL_NEUTURAL.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
waht lcuk si taht?!!!
Then he fades away as well, as does the Irritatingungan army. We’re left
looking at nothing but a blank countryside with nothing happening. DAVID
BAR ELIAS and NEK, carrying their cameras, walk on and look worried.
DAVID BAR ELIAS
I menorah think talmud we’re yom kippur
in tzfat deep tanakh shit.
NEK
Too right…
INT. – SLYWANKER RANCH – VIDEO CONTROL ROOM – DAY
THANDE tears his hair out in great clumps with both hands as he goes red
in the face.
THANDE
NOOOOO!!!
My epic ruined!
(glares at G.BONE)
This is your fault!
THANDE grabs the lei around G.BONE’s neck and begins strangling him with
it.
G.BONE
Hrrrk…wait!
What if we just put on
a battle with what we’ve got left?
THANDE pauses in a position that leaves him cutting off G.BONE’s
airflow; G.BONE goes blue in the face and begins using desperate sign
language. THANDE looks thoughtful.
THANDE
Use what we’ve got left…
By Jove, he’s got it!
THANDE drops the by now unconscious G.BONE on the floor and snatches up a
radio.
THANDE
You two! New instructions…
INT. – NAJOISEYIAN ROYAL PALACE – DEEP DEPTHS
Near total blackness. Focus on DOCTOR WHAT as he drags himself upright and
looks upward. In the distance in a small circle of white light.
DOCTOR WHAT
Marone! We’ve dropped a long way.
(smiles)
Fortunately I have my Kitjedi Plotdeviceius
training which allows me to survive a drop
from any height…
DOCTOR WHAT discerns another figure nearby, which he walks up to.
DOCTOR WHAT
Come on Master! We’ve got to
get that evil Miffed dude with
the complete lack of dress sense!
A finger taps on DOCTOR WHAT’s shoulder.
SIONEWIG
Er, I’m over here.
DOCTOR WHAT double takes from SIONEWIG behind him to the figure in front,
then ducks as a snarling DARTH LJOFA almost decapitates him with his
multi-Sexsword.
LJOFA
No dress sense?!!
You’ll pay for that!
They resume another complex swordfight, the flashes from the blades
clashing illuminating their cave-like surroundings. The fight slowly moves
off down a passageway which appears to gently slope downward.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR CHOLESTEROL
The Najoiseyians have dispatched about half of the blimps and now they are
making their runs on the Cholesterol. However, their weapons are not
getting through the ship’s shields, and the Cholesterol’s own turrets
are shooting back, albeit with badly aimed laserfire.
INT. – LANDSHARK’S COCKPIT
LANDSHARK
(as his lasers fail to penetrate)
Shoddy colonial weapons!
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeblee BLEEP!
(translation: )
What do you limeys know about weapons,
everyone knows you’re not even allowed to
have knives as we never bother to read the
article clearly stating that the law has nothing
to do with that!
Suddenly a WTO laserblast manages to hit LANDSHARK’s fighter and he goes
into an uncontrolled tailspin toward the Cholesterol…
LANDSHARK
Bugger!
INT. – CHOLESTEROL – HANGAR BAY
Two WTO officers, HELLOLEGEND and WHATISAUSERNAME, are busy supervising
teams of politicals who are refuelling more squadrons of blimps.
HELLOLEGEND
So…thongs, thongs or thongs?
WHATISAUSERNAME
(meditative expression)
A tricky choice. But on reflection
I’d have to go for…
(thinks for another moment)
Thongs.
HELLOLEGEND
What a coincidence, so would I!
The politicals finish refuelling the blimps and withdraw to the sides of
the hangar.
WHATISAUSERNAME
OK, drop the shields so we can
launch the blimps.
HELLOLEGEND
Yes, because
(laughs)
It’d be a stupid coincidence
if some Najoiseyian managed
to pilot his fighter through in
the split second that the shield is down, eh?
WHATISAUSERNAME
Well at least we’re even TRYING to
provide an explanation as to how it
could be done, unlike SOME people…[/center]
HELLOLEGEND presses a button on his control panel and the shimmering
shield covering the hangar entrance fades away. The blimps power up and
prepare to launch, when LANDSHARK’s Alankey fighter – trailing fire
from one engine – comes crashing through the entrance, smashes through a
half-dozen blimps and deflates them, and skids to a halt with a shower of
sparks near HELLOLEGEND and WHATISAUSERNAME.
HELLOLEGEND/WHATISAUSERNAME
Now what are the chances of THAT happening?!
EXT. – NAJOISEYIAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
The countryside is still blank, but as we pull back, we see DAVID BAR
ELIAS and NEK squaring off, each holding their camera as a weapon.
NEK
I’m not sure about this…
DAVID BAR ELIAS
Come kashrut on shacharit are
tzitzit you kaddish a mashgiach man
midrash or pidyon a chanukah mouse?
DAVID BAR ELIAS yells and swings his camera at NEK, who ducks and rolls,
then sweeps around his tripod as a lance that knocks DAVID BAR ELIAS off
his feet; however, as NEK comes around to finish him off, DAVID BAR ELIAS
throws the lens cap off his camera like a discus and it scythes into the
side of NEK’s neck, causing blood to spurt everywhere.
NEK
Aaarrggh!!
NEK pulls the lens cap out, then takes out a hotel sewing kit from his
pocket and hastily sews up the wound while giving DAVID BAR ELIAS a dirty
look. As DAVID BAR ELIAS smirks at him, NEK hurls the camera at his head,
knocking him over, and then sticks his boom mike into DAVID BAR ELIAS’
ear like a massive Q-tip/cotton bud.
DAVID BAR ELIAS
Aaargh!!!
NEK
Forgotten anything yet?!
DAVID BAR ELIAS
(sneering at him)
Just meshugah how schlemiel
you schmuck ever dreck got
farkackte to klutz be mamzer
an pisher AH.commer!
NEK
Why, you…
They roll over and over, punching and kicking each other.
INT. – SLYWANKER RANCH – VIDEO CONTROL ROOM – DAY
A battered G.BONE is trying to repair the consoles with one hand and
listening to his radio with the other, while THANDE – his arms folded
– looks on impatiently.
G.BONE
Hey, dude, according to this
our ratings have gone UP since
we killed off the Irritatingungans
and the battle politicals!
THANDE
(fingers in ears)
I refuse to accept that information!
Now get back to retrieving the data!
G.BONE rolls his eyes and goes back to his consoles.
~~
INT. – CAVE SYSTEM – DARKNESS
The screen is almost pitch black, illuminated only by the pink and green
glows of LJOFA’s and the two Kitjedi’s Sexswords. When the blades
clash, there is a brief flash of brilliant white light and it shows the
cave system in sharp relief, like a lightning flash. The battle carries on
at breathtaking speed, with DOCTOR WHAT, LJOFA and SIONEWIG fighting at
the very limits of their superhuman endurance.
They keep attacking as they talk.
SIONEWIG
(perfectly calm)
Phew! This is thirsty work, eh?
LJOFA
(similarly reasonable)
I quite agree. How about we go down that one,
I seem to recall that it leads to the sea.
SIONEWIG
What a good idea!
DOCTOR WHAT
Going down to the damp place.
I find that strangely arousing.
Still fighting at a blistering pace, the three slowly proceed down the
relevant passageway.
INT. – CHOLESTEROL – DOCKING BAY
HELLOLEGEND and WHATISAUSERNAME are still staring in surprise as LANDSHARK
gets out of his battered fighter. PAULSPRING-D2 remains in the back and
begins repairing the damage, muttering under his breath.
WHATISAUSERNAME
Hey!! Who are you?!
LANDSHARK
(folding his arms)
"Landshark enters the ship looking slicker
than an Alaskan duck after the Exxon Valdez disaster"
WHATISAUSERNAME and HELLOLEGEND look at each other in confusion.
HELLOLEGEND
Do you think we should ask him too?
WHATISAUSERNAME
Go ahead.
HELLOLEGEND
Well? Thongs, thongs or thongs?
LANDSHARK
(assumes "The Thinker" pose)
A tricky one. But I’d have to go for…
(thinks)
Thongs.
WHATISAUSERNAME and HELLOLEGEND stare at each other as though this is some
grand revelation.
HELLOLEGEND
(breathy)
Of course…
WHATISAUSERNAME
THONGS!
Chatting excitedly to each other, they turn around and exit the room.
LANDSHARK shakes his head in contempt, then walks over to the console they
were manning. He presses a button and it reconfigures to show a crosshairs
and a view of space outside, with the fighting WTO blimps and Najoiseyian
Alankey fighters. LANDSHARK grabs the joystick and experiments with the
trigger. Laser bolts lash out and destroy several blimps…he then
destroys one of the Alankey fighters as well for variety.
LANDSHARK
Excellent! Much better than bloody
Sex-Wing versus Thai Fighter on the
Nintendo Piiss!
ZOOM OUT to reveal that the film is actually being viewed on a television
in:
EXT. – MISERYGUTS COMMON ROOM FROM LUAKY COMMER – NIGHT
GBW, SUNSURF and DANIELB1 are watching the film.
SUNSURF
But…but…!!
DANIELB1
Sex-Wings and Thai Fighters did not appear
until the chronologically later films!!
SUNSURF
Our hardwired logic-oriented minds cannot
accept this casual in-joke!
BOTH
AAAAARRRGGHHH-
Their brains explode. GBW shakes his head in pity.
GBW
Lightweights.
Zoom back in through the screen…
INT. – CHOLESTEROL – DOCKING BAY – DAY
As before; LANDSHARK keeps practicing with the joystick and shoots down a
few more blimps and Alankeys.
LANDSHARK
(in sarcastic tones)
Now this is what I call Prodracist.
INT. – NAJOISEYIAN ROYAL PALACE – THRONE ROOM – DAY
A scared looking HENDRYK is standing in the middle of the room with a
hologram of DARTH POLITICUS and a tied up PSYCHOMELTDOWN.
HENDRYK
Lord Politicus! It is all going wrong!
I don’t even have a haiku involving
paper folding that’s capable of explessing
the tlagedy of the current situation!
DARTH POLITICUS
Do not fear, Viceroy, for…
Suddenly the doors burst open in a blast of flame, and IRONYUPPIE, THE
SANDMAN and the Najoiseyian guards enter with their weapons drawn.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(through a gag)
Mmmff mmfff mmjjsstty!
Pty nt ’lssyn tmff…
IRONYUPPIE
(worryingly, understands his words perfectly
as though accustomed to hearing them in this fashion)
Exactly!
(to HENDRYK)
Viceroy, your reign of terror is over…
And mine resumes!
HENDRYK licks his lips, then turns to DARTH POLITICUS.
HENDRYK
My lord, you must-
DARTH POLITICUS
Whoops, if I stick around she might notice that
(shouts)
I’M GRIMM REAPER!
(normal voice)
So I’d better go.
The hologram vanishes. HENDRYK looks distraught, but then brings up a
remote.
HENDRYK
I have one card left to play.
HENDRYK presses a button on the remote and a dozen vases crack open,
revealing elite battle politicals – ROEDECKERS – concealed within.
They roll into position and then raise their laser cannon arms,
surrounding the outnumbered Najoiseyians.
HENDRYK
I would have preferred
Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather myself…
ECHOEY VOICE FROM THE FLOOR
So would I!
HENDRYK
…but these will have to suffice.
(smirks)
I believe, your Majesty, that in the immortal
words of Xiang Taikwun, the soft blossoms of
the cherry tree in autumn cast an auspicious
air on the winds of the valley.
THE SANDMAN
What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
HENDRYK
(thoughtfully)
Well, you have to interpret the poetic
vision, of course. It means something like…
(his eyes narrow)
Now, you die.
THE SANDMAN exchanges a worried look with IRONYUPPIE.
Cut to:
EXT. – NAJOISEYIAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
NEK and DAVID BAR ELIAS are still fighting. By now NEK has a black eye and
DAVID BAR ELIAS has a broken nose. DAVID BAR ELIAS appears to be gaining
the upper hand.
NEK
I’ve forgotten which side which of us
is supposed to represent.
DAVID BAR ELIAS
Does yeshivah it passover really
menorah matter?!
DAVID BAR ELIAS finally rises over the prone figure of NEK, his camera
raised high like a weapon. He prepares to bring it down for one last time.
DAVID BAR ELIAS
I knew I could take you!
NEK
(thinking quickly)
Er – yes! Take me, take me now!
DAVID BAR ELIAS
What – er – AARGH! Unclean!
DAVID BAR ELIAS faints. NEK, smirking, gets up and begins searching around
for something to smash his head in with, but then we hear a voice…
INT. – SLYWANKER RANCH – VIDEO CONTROL ROOM – DAY
THANDE
(into a microphone)
You two can stop now.
We’ve managed to fix the CGI computers
(gives G.BONE a dirty look)
NEK
(visible as a tiny figure on the screen)
That’s okay. Will we get Gold Time for this?
THANDE
If you mean as in actors’ overtime pay, yes.
NEK
(disappointed)
Ohh.
NEK faints as well. THANDE shakes his head.
G.BONE
Uh, dude, we’ve got the computers back,
but I can only retrieve one data file of all those
that were lost, and it’ll take all our power.
THANDE
(sighs)
Decisions, decisions…
(brightens)
Of course! Who will all the kids love?
Who will be a most profitable source of
moichandizing? Who is the funniest source
of comic relief in all AH.com movies ever??
G.BONE
(tries to follow)
Ummm…the leader of the battle political army?
THANDE
No you Hawaiian eejit!
(smiles beatifically)
Bring back Rad Rad Neut!
The people demand it!
Why, just the other day I heard the fanboys
singing ‘We hail Rad Rad! We hail Rad Rad!’
G.BONE
Um, dude, that was actually ‘We hate Rad Rad’…
THANDE
(waving a hand dismissively)
Details! Bring him back!
I don’t care how much CGI power it takes!
G.BONE shakes his head, but reaches out and presses a button on his
keyboard. We hear a low humm as the computers all divert power to a single
task. And on the other screens, things begin to flicker and fade…
INT. – CHOLESTEROL – HANGAR BAY – DAY
LANDSHARK pauses in his casual destruction of the fighters when he sees on
the screen that several of them have begun to flicker in and out of
existence. He looks around and sees that the same is true of the whole
Cholesterol.
LANDSHARK
Damn shoddy CGI!
LANDSHARK quickly runs over and hops back in his Alankey fighter, which is
also flickering.
LANDSHARK
Get us back to Najoisey fast, and step on it!
PAULSPRING-D2
(in complaining tones)
Bleep weeble bleet!
LANDSHARK
You should be glad you’re a bloody model, mate!
The Alankey fighter rises from the hangar and flies out toward Najoisey
again, losing existence as it does.
INT. – CHOLESTEROL – BRIDGE
GAIJIN looks down at his hands as they fade out of existence.
GAIJIN
(resigned tones)
Banzai for the Franchise!
EXT. – SPACE
The Cholesterol and both fighter fleets vanish.
INT. – NAJOISEYIAN ROYAL PALACE – DAY
HENDRYK is still smirking in triumph at IRONYUPPIE and THE SANDMAN when
all his ROEDECKERS suddenly vanish.
HENDRYK
(annoyed tones)
Night soiling turtles!
THE SANDMAN
Ahahahaha!!
IRONYUPPIE
Now, we’ll see about that treaty, Viceroy…
PSYCHO
Mff mff mff?
IRONYUPPIE
No, you can stay where you are…
I have…plans for you…
PSYCHO
Mff mff?
IRONYUPPIE
(with the air of making a great sacrifice)
Oh, all right.
Captain?
THE SANDMAN
Yes, your Majesty?
IRONYUPPIE
Fetch me the red hair dye
and the vampire fangs.
PSYCHO
(blissfully)
Mfff.
HENDRYK
All right, I’ll sign your damned treaty.
(pause)
And then…
(pause)
Can I have a go?
EXT. – SPACE/ATMOSPHERE – DAY
LANDSHARK’s Alankey fighter dives into the atmosphere, glowing red hot
from the friction as it does so, but it’s still fading from existence.
Then, with a final pop, it vanishes altogether, and LANDSHARK and
PAULSPRING-D2 are falling at great speed toward the capital city.
LANDSHARK
Dammit!
He managed to grab hold of PAULSPRING-D2 and sits on top of the
dustbin-shaped political.
PAULSPRING-D2
Beleep bleep bleep!
LANDSHARK
I don’t care whether it’s been legalised
in your state or not!
EXT. – NAJOISEYIAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
RADICAL_NEUTURAL suddenly fades back into existence. He looks around,
blinking in confusion at the blank, empty fields.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
waht hapnd? ew wno?
RADICAL_NEUTURAL sprawls over to where the battered DAVID BAR ELIAS and
NEK are lying unconscious next to each other.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
aw yung luv is os swete!
(smiles)
i hop tehyre releated…
PAN ACROSS to a rocky formation a little way from the battlefield. From
the depths of one cave, we suddenly see flashes of light emerge, and
DOCTOR WHAT, LJOFA and SIONEWIG – all looking knackered by now – come
out.
DOCTOR WHAT
Sheesh! We fought our way
straight through the planet
and out the other side!
SIONEWIG
Yeah, and it was all inconclusive too.
LJOFA
True, so shall we finish it with a
couple of anticlimaxes?
SIONEWIG
Okay!!!
For no obvious reason, SIONEWIG lets LJOFA stab him in the heart, and he
falls over.
DOCTOR WHAT
No!!!!
He lunges with his Sexsword, but LJOFA casually knocks it out of his hand.
DOCTOR WHAT is left weaponless. LJOFA hisses at him.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hah! You cannot take away my greatest weapon!
LJOFA
What, the Innuendo?
DOCTOR WHAT
No! This!
DOCTOR WHAT pulls out his saxophone – the dying SIONEWIG rolls his eyes
– and plays a quick martial theme.
DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s…rock and roll.
DOCTOR WHAT swings the saxophone and uses it to parry all LJOFA’s
attacks, but he still can’t gain the advantage.
LJOFA
You will never defeat me!
It’s not as though you can cut me
in two with that thing, is it?
DOCTOR WHAT
Nice foreshadowing.
We hear a distant, dopplering scream and the red-hot PAULSPRING-D2 –
with LANDSHARK still clinging to the top as the source of the scream –
zooms out of the sky like a meteorite and crushes LJOFA into a red stain
beneath him.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wow, it was way off!
LANDSHARK leaps off PAULSPRING-D2, who makes little ping-ping noises as he
cools. Looking distraught, LANDSHARK, RADICAL_NEUTURAL and DOCTOR WHAT go
to SIONEWIG’s side.
SIONEWIG
(slowly)
Doctor What…you must promise me that you’ll
teach the boy for me…
LANDSHARK
Ahem. I’M RIGHT HERE!
DOCTOR WHAT
What, even if it means dragging the Internet
into an era of terror and strife that will kill billions?
SIONEWIG
(thinks about it)
Erm…yes…no…yes-
And he dies.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wow, talk about ambiguous!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
he wsa a gud mna fro a fcukin crakhead.
LANDSHARK
Aren’t Kitjedi Masters supposed to fade away?
DOCTOR WHAT
You’re using logic and reason again, Landie.
That is the path of the Straight Side.
Between them, they pick up SIONEWIG’s body and carry it away.
INT. – SLYWANKER RANCH – VIDEO CONTROL ROOM – DAY
THANDE rubs his hands gleefully.
THANDE
The fans will love this!
G.BONE
Um, if you say so dude.
How about we finish with a big party?
THANDE
What a good idea!
EXT. – NAJOISEY CAPITAL CITY – DAY
IRONYUPPIE and RADICAL_NEUTURAL on a podium raise a big generic peace
thing over their heads while thousands of people cheer in the streets. We
pan over the crowds to two figures as they walk nearer to the podium:
DOCTOR WHAT and KITJED21. DOCTOR WHAT has shaved off his Paddywack afro.
In the background, we can see that a big spaceship has landed, and several
other Kitjedi masters have exited – along with GRIMM REAPER.
KITJED21
The Kitjedi Council agree to confer upon
you the rank of Master, look you.
DOCTOR WHAT
That is excellent news.
KITJED21
(eyeing him)
But I don’t hold with you training
this boy, is it?
DOCTOR WHAT
I promised SionEwig. He believed in him.
(steadfastly)
I will train him without Council approval, if necessary.
KITJED21
(sighs)
You are as stubborn as your Master.
Very well, indeed to gootness we will
let you train him.
DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you, Master Kitjed.
KITJED21
(waving a finger)
But it’s your head if this all goes wrong!
DOCTOR WHAT
Giving or receiving?
KITJED21
(winks)
What do you think, boyo?
DOCTOR WHAT
I think I find it strangely arousing.
Still talking, they go up to the podium. At the side of it is LANDSHARK,
now with a Paddywack afro hairstyle. DOCTOR WHAT and KITJED21 take their
places on the podium, then GREY WOLF and GRIMM REAPER come up behind them
and bow to IRONYUPPIE.
GRIMM REAPER
(winking)
I am glad that everything went according to plan, your Majesty.
…including the part about me getting rid of that annoying sidekick
with no characterisation and only one line…
Now we can move forward unto a new period of peace, prosperity
and wipe them out all of them whoops I’ve turned over two pages.
IRONYUPPIE
Indeed, Chancellor.
GREY WOLF
(meditatively)
Um, what do you think killed Si-On?
DOCTOR WHAT
I believe it could truly have been a Miffed Lord.
GREY WOLF
Fuck, really?
KITJED21
There have always been three of them,
a master, an apprentice, and a tea boy.
DOCTOR WHAT
But which one did we face?
GRIMM REAPER looks uncomfortable – CUT TO a shot of him and COUNT
DEARBORN sitting at a table discussing strategy and glancing impatiently
at their empty cups – then CUT BACK.
GREY WOLF
Um, nevertheless at least we know the
Kitjedi will never face a threat from within.
LANDSHARK
Too right!
DOCTOR WHAT
And now…
(grins at the camera)
Let’s go out in style!
DOCTOR WHAT pulls out his saxophone and plays a jazz opening. Then THE
SANDMAN pulls out a trombone and begins accompanying him; RADICAL_NEUTURAL
grabs a set of bongos and supplies a drum beat, and finally KITJED22
begins hammering away, Jerry Lee Lewis style, on a keyboard.
DOCTOR WHAT
(singing to the tune of ‘Mack the Knife’)
Oh Op Sealion has such flaws, babe
And it shows em, gaping wide,
But as for AH.com Wars, babe
There’s no call for suicide
THE SANDMAN
Oh when the Nazis launch that Sealion, babe
The English Channel turns red
But AH.com Wars is looking fine, babe
’Cause we’ve got two more films yet
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
yse wel be bakc antohre dya bab
tehrs pleny mroe fro su ot od
hwo cna yuo tel if tihs vrese ryhims r ont?
it’s a mystry, im teln you!
IRONYUPPIE
So the Disappointing Prequel has reached its end
But I’ve gone and read ahead
So Thande had better change the decline trend
Or he might just end up dead!
ALL
Or-Thande-Might-Just-End-Up-Dead! THANKYOU!!
Fade to black, run credits, wait for the fanboys to slam it!
THE END
Coming – well, at some point in the future:
AH.COM
WARS
EPISODE II: A SHEDLOAD OF PORN |
