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AH.COM WARS - Episode IV: An Old Doubt
SFX. – BLACK SCREEN
A long time ago,
in an Internet far, far away
SFX – STARFIELD
As rousing music plays, the words
AH.COM
WARS
By
Tom Anderson
slowly retreat into the distance. Text begins to scroll from below:
EPISODE IV: (YES, WE KNOW…) AN OLD DOUBT
"It is a time of civil war. The Rebel forces, striking from
a secret base, have won their first victory against the evil BOARDWIDE EMPIRE.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal the plans to the Empire’s
ultimate weapon, with enough power to destroy an entire Site.
Pursued by the Empire’s dastardly forces, Princess Kilngirl races home aboard
the Tentative 5, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and
restore freedom to the Board…"
The text scrolls away into the distance. The camera pans down to reveal the
desert Thread (planet) of ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE. The "TENTATIVE
5", a Singaporean Mecha-Corvette, races overhead.
It is followed by a gigantic IMPERIAL THREAD DESTROYER, the "FLAMEWAR".
The two ships are exchanging torrents of laser fire, but the "FLAMEWAR"
clearly has the advantage; as we watch, the "TENTATIVE 5" loses its
left leg, disintegrated.
INT. – "FLAMEWAR" BRIDGE – DAY
The giant, monstrously complex interior of the Flamewar’s bridge. Lieutenant
AUSSEY runs up to Captain IMAJIN.
IMAJIN
(calling to his gunners)
Careful there! We want this ship intact!
AUSSEY
Captain sir!
IMAJIN
Yes, Lieutenant?
AUSSEY
Captain – it’s Lord –
AUSSEY suddenly grabs his throat and falls to the ground, gurgling.
DEEP VOICE
(VO)
All shall rise in the presence
of Darth Gaydar!
The Imperials all hastily come to attention as DARTH GAYDAR enters. He looks
almost identical to Vader but has a giant rotating radar-dish thing on top of
his helmet.
DARTH GAYDAR
You have displeased me,
Captain Imajin…
IMAJIN
(desperately)
Lord Gaydar, sir, the
ship is still intact.
DARTH GAYDAR
Hmmf. In that case I will
only break one of your arms.
He snaps his fingers and we hear a horrible splintering noise. IMAJIN goes
white.
DARTH GAYDAR
Now…
Now we shall board the ship
and recover the plans.
AUSSEY
(getting up)
Yes Lord Gaydar sir!
DARTH GAYDAR exits.
IMAJIN
You still think we made the
right choice, supporting the Empire?
AUSSEY
Of course!!
Monarchies rock!
Republics suck!
IMAJIN
(shrugs, then winces)
True, true.
EXT. – SPACE
The damaged Tentative 5 is finally captured by the Flamewar.
INT. – TENTATIVE 5 – MAIN PASSAGEWAY
The corridor is filled with REBELs fighting IMPERIALs. In the midst of it all we
see PRINCESS KILNGIRL holding a data disk, standing next to CAPTAIN FLOCC in his
redcoat uniform.
KILNGIRL
We can’t hold them back!
FLOCC
Then we shall die bravely,
like our ancestors before us.
(begins reciting)
Cannon to the left of them,
cannon to the right of them,
cannon in front of them,
volley’d and thunder’d…
KILNGIRL
That won’t help our cause one jot!
Typical man!
FLOCC
(shrugs)
You must do what you must, Princess.
But I shall meet my destiny.
FLOCC draws his pistol and pulls back a lever with a click.
KILNGIRL turns away, her eyes tearing. Angrily, she strides down the corridor
away from the fighting.
KILNGIRL
Where are those two politicals…?!
TWO FIGURES appear. One is LEO CAESIUS, who has been tarred and thrown into a
tank of gold dust. The other is PAUL SPRING, who has had his legs cut off and
been shoved into a dustbin. He communicates via Morse code a la Captain Pike.
C-LEO
Oh my neurones!
Though I’m fluent in over
six million languages, I can
say that none of them have any
adjectives possibly strong
enough to describe this!
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeble bleeble blatt!
C-LEO
Well!! How you can possibly
blame all of this on the liberal
media, I have no idea!
KILNGIRL
You two!
Quit jabbering and get in here!
The three go into a room. We pan back along the corridor to where Captain Flocc
and the Rebels are fighting a horde of IMPERIAL WARMGROUPIES, beautiful girls
waving razor-sharp autograph albums.
FLOCC
Be strong my men!
Don’t be taken in by these foul succubae!
(his eyes bulge)
Irk…now how did the Imps manage
to clone Keira Knightly?
FLOCC puts on hand over his eye and fires his gun blindly. We hear female
shrieks of pain. FLOCC shudders.
FLOCC
Come on!
If we can take enough of
them with us…
Suddenly the guns fall silent. A massive wave of invisible force rockets down
the corridor, blowing Rebels and Imperials alike aside. FLOCC falls to the
floor, but he still has a grip on his gun.
DARTH GAYDAR strides forward, staring around, his radar dish-thing twirling.
FLOCC
Gaydar himself!
It’s worth it!
FLOCC fires a series of laser blasts from his gun. GAYDAR whips around in time
to easily deflect the bolts from his gauntlets, Wonder Woman style.
GAYDAR
You forget that I can read everything
in the hearts of men, foolish Singaporean.
(points to his radar dish thingy)
But for this impressive display of
defiance, I reward thee with a quick death.
FLOCC
For the Republic!
GAYDAR snaps his fingers and we see FLOCC’s head crunch around to a painful
angle. The light goes out in his eyes and he drops to the floor.
GAYDAR
Now. Where is the Princess?
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – PLAINS – DAY
A young teenager is staring up into the sky with a pair of advanced binoculars,
watching the space battle. Beside him is a sleek open-topped hover car. Behind
him are three suns and four moons; the craters on the moons are in a pattern
suggesting the words ‘you don’t know where to stop, do you?’
TEENAGER
This is the most exciting thing
that’s happened here in centuries,
or my name’s not Luakel Slywanker.
INT – TENTATIVE 5 – MAIN CORRIDOR – DAY[/b]
We see KILNGIRL slip the disk into a slot on PAULSPRING-D2’s dustbin.
KILNGIRL
Go on, PaulSpring!
You’re our last hope!
PAULSPRING-D2 blatts at her and leaves. KILNGIRL spins around, gun in hand;
moments later, a group of IMPERIAL WARMGROUPIES attacks her.
KILNGIRL
You’ve no effect on me!
Take this!
KILNGIRL drops a dozen WARMGROUPIES before DARTH GAYDAR comes forward and
casually flicks the gun from her hand with his mental powers.
KILNGIRL
Gaydar! You-
the Senate will hear of this!
GAYDAR
Soon the Senate will be no
more, Princess Kilngirl.
In that it is much like you!
GAYDAR raises a gun and fires a blast at KILNGIRL. He looks down at the gun.
GAYDAR
Bugger, it was set on stun.
Never mind.
Now where are the plans?
WARMGROUPIE
We can’t find them, my lord!
GAYDAR
(obviously about to snap his fingers)
Wrong answer.
INT. – TENTATIVE 5 – SIDE PASSAGE – DAY
PAULSPRING-D2 is wheeling along the passage, bleeping to himself, while C-LEO
follows.
C-LEO
I say! What are you up to? Oh my…
we’ll probably be sold into
slavery to a blog magnate!
Such is the life of a political…
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeble blatt!
C-LEO
Well really! How dare
you accuse all left-wingers
of being cynical pessimists?!
PAULSPRING-D2 sticks a controller arm into a socket on the wall. A wall slides
back to reveal an escape pod.
C-LEO
In there?!
Oh my…this is most irregular…
PAULSPRING-D2
Blatt bleep bleep!
C-LEO
Well yes, compared to blog slavery…
The two politicals get in the pod. The wall slides shut, and it launches.
INT. – FLAMEWAR BRIDGE – DAY
AUSSEY spots the pod speeding away.
AUSSEY
Shall I destroy it, Captain?
IMAJIN
Nah. Sensors show no life forms.
Must have short-circuited.
Long pause in which the two look at each other and shiver.
AUSSEY
Did you just feel…?
IMAJIN
Like a major POD just slipped by? Yeah.
Maybe we should destroy it after all.
AUSSEY
Out of range now.
IMAJIN
(shrugs)
Fuhgeddabahtit.
INT. – TENTATIVE 5 – DAY
DARTH GAYDAR looks angry as another WARMGROUPIE speaks.
WARMGROUPIE
We’ve searched the whole ship, sir.
No sign of them.
GAYDAR
That escape pod that launched.
(angrily)
I shall see to Captain Imajin personally.
Now send a detachment down to the planet.
I want those plans back.
WARMGROUPIE
Yessir!
INT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – LUAKEL’S GARAGE – DAY
LUAKEL SLYWANKER is talking to his older friends, CHINGO360 FARTLIGHTER and
CHUNKEYMONKEY13Q PORTLY.
LUAKEL
I’m tellin’ you, it was a space battle!
CHINGO
(laughing)
You’re just seeing things, Luak.
CHUNKEY
Yeah, you’re just jealous we’re
shippin’ out tomorrow and you’re
still stuck on this dustball.
LUAKEL
Well yeah…
(shrugs)
If Uncle Justin and Uncle Justin
let me go, maybe I can get into
the Imperial Fighter Academy next year.
CHINGO
(ruffling LUAKEL’s hair)
Yeah. See you around, squirt.
CHUNKEY
But now the cap’n and first mate
of the "Janice Occlusive" are
shippin’ out!
CHINGO and CHUNKEY leave, winking at each other over LUAKEL’s head. LUAKEL
sighs to himself and goes back to fiddling with a bit of machinery.
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – PLAINS – DAY
The crashed pod is visible to one side. C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2 are wandering
unsteadily over the plains.
C-LEO
I knew this was a bad idea.
PAULSPRING-D2
Blatt bleeble blatt!
C-LEO
What do you mean, I think
everything is a bad idea?!
You’re on thin ice, my friend!
PAUL SPRING-D2
Sarcastic swanny whistle noise!
C-LEO
Well yes, this entire planet is
over 40 degrees, but I was speaking
metaphorically!
Suddenly a group of AUSTRALIANS, midgets in robes, spring up around the
politicals and zap them with stun guns.
C-LEO
Oh me!
Oh my!
AUSTRALIANS
(together)
I hope the little lady comes by!
The two politicals collapse.
DMA
We’ll be getting a nice price
for those two, eh cobbers?
MICHAEL
Sure thing mate!
MAYHEM
Don’t come the raw prawn!
That one’s obviously faulty!
He kicks PAULSPRING-D2, who blatts rudely at him.
MICHAEL
Pfft, whatever.
DMA
So we give ’em a new coat of paint
and let the galahs find out they’ve bought
a faulty political in six weeks!
The AUSTRALIANS grin at each other.
AUSTRALIANS
Bonza.
~~~~
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – OUTSIDE SETTLEMENT – DAY
A giant AUSTRALIAN MONSTERTRUCK sits there, surrounded by midget AUSTRALIANS.
The hatchway is open and several different makes of political are visible –
generally, the leftwingers are human-shaped but are tarred and dipped in various
shiny dusts, and the rightwingers are crammed into non-human-shaped canisters
and speak only in swearword censor bleeps.
Several AUSTRALIANS go up to two human figures standing there, JUSTIN PICKARD
and the sulky LUAKEL.
JUSTIN PICKARD
I want a political to clean my septic tank.
MAYHEM
You wanna political, mate?
Bonza. You getta political!
DMA and MICHAEL grab C-LEO by one arm each and drag him forward.
C-LEO
Oh dear!
DMA
He’s a ferra good at this sorta thing!
You get topnotch deal, mate!
MICHAEL
Just 50,000,000 squids plus tax.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(contemptuously)
Thank you, I’ll take my business elsewhere.
DMA
Oh, all right mate, we only want a fair go.
MICHAEL
Owzabout a fiver then?
JUSTIN PICKARD
Done.
The AUSTRALIANS drop C-LEO at JUSTIN PICKARD’s feet.
LUAKEL
(points at PAULSPRING-D2)
Uncle Justin, can I have that rightwinger?
I need a new one to navigate my flyer.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(scowling)
You shoudn’t have broken the old one.
Oh, all right, but only if you programme
these two for me.
LUAKEL
All right…
DMA
Bonza, just another sixty zillion squids.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Ahem?
MICHAEL
Find, two and a half.
JUSTIN PICKARD bends down to shake hands with MICHAEL and gets an electric shock
that makes his studenty hair stand on end.
LUAKEL
I wish I had your haggling skills, Uncle.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(a bit brittle)
Maybe you’d have them if you didn’t
spend your time gazing up at the sky
and dreaming of being a pilot.
LUAKEL
But I’m sure piloting is in my blood!
JUSTIN PICKARD
That’s what your father used to say…
And look what happened to him.
An uncomfortable silence as MAYHEM drags PAULSPRING-D2 forward and throws him in
the hovercar.
LUAKEL
Um-
JUSTIN PICKARD
Never mind. Let’s just get back-
Suddenly they hear a dopplering scream, something like a meteor hurtles through
the sky, and lands in a molten heap to one side, scuffing up a cloud of sand.
LUAKEL looks, cautiously, to see it is a battered and burnt IMAJIN, his captain’s
uniform on fire.
IMAJIN
(weakly)
It…won’t…happen…again…
Lord…Gaydar…hey…why…
are…you…stuffing…me…into…
this…cannon?
JUSTIN PICKARD
(nastily)
I hate Hapsburg supporters.
JUSTIN PICKARD pulls out a pistol and shoots IMAJIN through the head. LUAKEL
shudders.
LUAKEL
Lord Gaydar? Here?
JUSTIN PICKARD
(severely)
Never mind about that
blackhearted Imperial.
C’mon.
They clamber into the hovercar with the two politicals and speed away.
AUSTRALIANS
We’re in the money,
we’re in the money…
Camera pulls back to reveal there is a red laser-sight dot quivering about on
their huge monster truck. Pull back even further to reveal it is emanating from
the scope on a powerful missile launcher held by MATTEP74. Both he and his
fellow Imperial Porntroopers are wearing khaki camouflage armour.
MATTEP74
In my sights, Colonel.
(he pronounces it ‘coll-oh-nell’)
STEFFEN appears, a pair of binoculars held to his helmet.
STEFFEN
Good, Sergeant.
Fire on my command.
(he smiles unpleasantly)
For the Five-Oh-Last,
the Fists of Gaydar!
The Porntroopers raise their right hands, make a fist, and wiggle it from side
to side disturbingly.
INT. – LUAKEL’S GARAGE – DAY
LUAKEL is fiddling with C-LEO whilst, in the background, JUSTIN PICKARD is
speaking with JUSTIN GREEN.
JUSTIN GREEN
We can’t keep him here forever, Justin.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(angrily)
You know what could happen if
we let him go out into the Board, Justin!
JUSTIN GREEN
A man must find his own destiny, Justin.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(with a sigh)
I know, Justin, I know…
They walk away into another part of the house. LUAKEL finishes his work.
LUAKEL
There, all done.
C-LEO
Oh my, I feel much better, Master Luak.
All I need now is a vitriol bath…
LUAKEL
(jerks his thumb)
In the corner.
C-LEO
Thank you, Master Luak!
I was sure you were a right-thinking
liberal like myself!
LUAKEL allows himself a small smile, then turns to PAULSPRING-D2 and begins
fiddling at the dustbin shell with a spanner.
LUAKEL
Hee, this one’s been in a few flamewars.
He accidentally trips a switch. PAULSPRING-D2 begins projecting a little
hologram of KILNGIRL.
LUAKEL
Who’s she? She’s beautiful.
AUDIENCE WHO’VE ALREADY SEEN PREQUELS…
GAHHH!!! THE FORKS!!! THE FORKS!!!!!!
C-LEO
(sniffily)
It is Princess Kilngirl, our last owner.
KILNGIRL HOLOGRAM
-elp me, Doctor-What Lombardi, you’re my only hope-
-elp me, Doctor-What Lombardi, you’re my only hope-
-elp me, Doctor-What Lombardi, you’re my only hope-
LUAKEL
It’s stuck!
C-LEO
Only this Lombardi himself can unlock it.
LUAKEL
(thoughtful)
Lombardi…
He turns and walks into another part of the house.
INT. – ANOTHER PART OF THE HOUSE – DAY
LUAKEL
Uncle Justin, have you ever heard of
a Doctor-What Lombardi?
JUSTIN GREEN looks up guiltily.
JUSTIN GREEN
Well, I-
LUAKEL
Do you think he’s related to
old Bruno Lombardi who lives
out by Drifter’s Drift?
JUSTIN PICKARD enters.
JUSTIN PICKARD
That’s none of your business, Luak.
You want to stay away from that crazy old man.
LUAKEL leaves in a sulk.
JUSTIN GREEN
(sarcastic)
Well done, Justin, now he’s certain
to go and look for Doctor-What.
JUSTIN PICKARD
I give up!
Let him!
EXT. – PLAINS – DAY
LUAKEL’s speeder, with C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2 on board, speeds across the
plains torwards the canyons of Drifter’s Drift.
LUAKEL
We want to be careful.
There could be Dust Bunnies out here…
C-LEO
Oh my!
Their language has no word for
peace, surrender, or mercy!
LUAKEL stops the hovercar, pulls out his binoculars and stares at a house in the
distance.
LUAKEL
Slang!
Lombardi’s house is surrounded
by Dust Bunnies!
Through LUAKEL’s binocular viewpoint, we suddenly see the view obscured by a
giant DUST BUNNY that rises in front of him.
LUAKEL
WTF?!
The DUST BUNNY – a giant anthropomorphic rabbit made of dust – smashes the
binoculars out of LUAKEL’s hands with contemptuous ease, then does the same to
his pistol. LUAKEL stares in horror as the DUST BUNNY opens its mouth wide and
clamps its jaws over LUAKEL’s head, trying to suffocate him with dust…
Then we hear a distant ululating call. The DUST BUNNY drops LUAKEL, all the DUST
BUNNIES stare wildly around them in horror, and then they all hop away down the
nearest hole.
Weakly, LUAKEL sees a figure appearing from behind a rock, making the ululating
call with a megaphone. The figure is old, and worn from ancient exploits. The
sun of Arrakisimeantatooine have baked his already Mediterranean skin tone to
that of a Sufi mystic. But his eyes are bright and his body is strong.
LUAKEL
(choking on the dust)
Bruno Lombardi?
DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t try to talk.
Come back to my place
and I’ll fix you up.
He picks up LUAKEL with ease.
INT. – LOMBARDI’S HOUSE – DAY
It’s a simple, Spartan place, but with endless bookshelves and is painted in
the strangest colour combinations. LUAKEL is sitting at a table greedily gulping
down a glass of water. The two politicals stand in the corner, bickering. DOCTOR
WHAT walks in.
DOCTOR WHAT
They’ve gone.
They come occasionally.
I can scare them off by imitating
the sound of their worst enemy,
the Moulinex Magimyxamatosis,
that was created by the Australians to destroy them.
LUAKEL
So…you’re Doctor-What Lombardi?
DOCTOR WHAT
(eyes glisten with reminiscence)
I haven’t used that name in a long time.
LUAKEL
This political-
(he kicks PAULSPRING-D2)
says he has a message for you.
PAULSPRING-D2
(angrily)
Blatt blatt bleeble!
C-LEO
Really!
Not even I have heard such language!
DOCTOR WHAT
Interesting…
I don’t recall ever owning a droid.
(winks at camera)
Even though these two are immediately
recognisable as two I knew 20 years ago
when I knew Luak’s father.
LUAKEL
You knew my father?
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s right. The best pilot I ever knew.
LUAKEL
Uncle Justin and Uncle Justin told me
he was killed in a crash.
DOCTOR WHAT
No. He was killed at the end of the
Porn Wars.
LUAKEL
My father fought in the Porn Wars?
I though he was just a freighter pilot-
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s what Justin and Justin wanted
you to think – they were protecting you.
(eyes mist over)
Justin – and Justin too, come to think of it –
they’re worried that you’ll become a fighter
pilot like your father and meet the same end.
LUAKEL
How did he…end?
DOCTOR WHAT
(winking at camera)
A pupil of mine, a young Kitjedi Knight
named Darth Gaydar…he betrayed and
murdered your father
(sotto voce)
in a manner of speaking.
(loudly)
He helped the Empire track down and
exterminate his fellow Kitjedi! Now we
are all but extinct.
He was…seduced by the Straight Side of the Innuendo.
LUAKEL
The Innuendo?
DOCTOR WHAT
The Innuendo is what gives a Kitjedi his power.
(dreamily)
It’s an energy field created by all living things,
that binds the whole Board together.
DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head and begins fiddling with PAULSPRING-D2.
DOCTOR WHAT
Now let’s see what secrets you
hold, little friend…
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeple blatt!
The hologram reappears.
KILNGIRL HOLOGRAM
General Lombardi, years ago you served my father in the Porn
Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire.
I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in
person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission
to bring you to the Canada Thread has failed. I have placed information vital
to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this PaulSpring
unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this political
safely delivered to him on Canada. This is our most desperate hour.
Help me, Doctor-What Lombardi, you're my only hope.
The hologram fades.
LUAKEL
She’s so hot…
DOCTOR WHAT
(edgily looking at LUAKEL, then looks upwards)
Merciful Innuendo, forgive me.
LUAKEL
What?
DOCTOR WHAT
So that’s it!
(rubs his hands enthusiastically)
To Canada!
LUAKEL
OK. I’ve got to go back now.
DOCTOR WHAT
No, Luak. I’m getting too old for this.
I need your help.
LUAKEL
(laughs)
I’m not going to Canada.
I don’t like the Empire either, but
what can I do? I’ve got to get back.
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s your Uncle Justin talking.
LUAKEL
(angrily)
Maybe it is.
I’m going back anyway.
DOCTOR WHAT
Suit yourself.
EXT. – OUTSIDE SETTLEMENT – DAY
The hovercar, carrying DOCTOR WHAT as well as the others, pulls to a stop
outside LUAKEL’s house.
LUAKEL
(shouting)
Uncle Justin? Uncle Justin?
I’m home!
Silence.
LUAKEL
Uncle Justin?
LUAKEL screams in shock as he finds their bodies lying on the floor in the main
hall, covered in bloody wounds and wired to a giant bomb.
LUAKEL
(weeping, falls to his knees)
Uncle Justin…and Uncle Justin…
DOCTOR WHAT walks up behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
DOCTOR WHAT
There’s nothing we can do now, Luak.
LUAKEL
My life is gone!
DOCTOR WHAT
(gently)
Then make a new one.
Come with me to Canada.
Weeping, LUAKEL nods.
LUAKEL
I don’t have much choice.
(he stares at the bomb, viciously)
That’s an Imperial bomb. The Empire did this!
DOCTOR WHAT
Another sin to tally on their scorecard besides
billions of others, Luak.
LUAKEL nods.
DOCTOR WHAT
Come on. We’ll take the hovercar to
Arrakeenimeanmoseisley, and then
we’ll charter a ship to Canada.
EXT – SPACE – FLAMEWAR
The Flamewar rumbles overhead.
INT. – FLAMEWAR – BRIDGE – DAY
AUSSEY is standing in the captain’s position, wearing a new insignia and a
smirk.
DARTH GAYDAR
What is our ETA, Captain Aussey?
AUSSEY
Five minutes sir.
GAYDAR
(reluctantly)
Acceptable.
Soon we shall reach the Death…
(he blinks and rechecks his notes)
There’s a typo here…
EXT. – SPACE
The Flamewar turns and we see it approaching a gigantic space battle station,
truly enormous in size and studded with unimaginable weapons. And it is in the
shape of…
Russian emperor Nicholas II.
INT. – FLAMEWAR – BRIDGE – DAY
GAYDAR’s expression is unreadable.
DARTH GAYDAR
I’ll kill that bloody design team.
Time lapse
INT. – DEATH TSAR COMMAND ROOM – DAY
The table is occupied by GENERAL WENDELL, ADMIRAL CHRIS and many other senior
officers.
CHRIS
(halfway through speaking)
…until this battlestation is fully operational we are
vulnerable. The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped.
They're more dangerous than you realise.
WENDELL
Dangerous to your Starfleet, Admiral,
Not this battle station!
CHRIS
The Rebellion will continue to gain a support
in the Imperial Senate, as long as…
GRAND MOFF DAVE HOWERY enters, cutting off Chris. Behind him is DARTH GAYDAR.
All the senior officers stand and bow to them.
DAVE HOWERY
(nastily)
The Imperial Senate is of no concern anymore.
The Emperor has dissolved it permanently.
DARTH GAYDAR
The last remnants of the Republic have been swept away.
WENDELL
But that’s impossible! How can the Emperor maintain
control without the bureaucracy?
DAVE HOWERY
The moffs will now have direct control over their provinces.
We shall rule by fear. Fear of this Death Tsar.
CHRIS
But what about the Rebels? If they’ve obtained the
blueprints of this station, they might be able to find
a weakness and exploit it.
(winks at camera)
Subtle foreshadowing or what?!!
GAYDAR
The plans you refer to will soon be ours again.
WENDELL
Any attack against this station would be futile,
regardless of what data they have.
The Death Tsar is the ultimate power in the Board
and I suggest we…use it!
GAYDAR
Hah, technology. What are we, Borats?
Even the ability to destroy a site is insignificant next
to the power of the Innuendo.
WENDELL
Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcery, Gaydar.
Your sad devotion to Innuendo has not helped
you find the blueprints or the hidden base-
Suddenly WENDELL begins to choke as GAYDAR makes a gesture.
GAYDAR
I find your lack of perversity…disturbing.
DAVE HOWERY
(snaps)
Enough of this! Gaydar, release him!
GAYDAR
As you wish…
(sotto voce)
…damn (inaudible) -al.
WENDELL is released and gasps for air.
DAVE HOWERY
This is pointless. Lord Gaydar will provide us
with the location of the Rebels by the time the Death Tsar is
fully operational. And then we shall crush them with a single blow.
The Imperials all grin nastily at each other.
~~~
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – PLAINS OUTSIDE ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – DAY
The hovercar draws up to a halt and LUAKEL surveys the small spaceport ahead
with some misgivings.
DOCTOR WHAT
Arrakeenimeanmoseisley…
You’ll never find a more wretched
hive of scum and villainy.
LUAKEL
What about Chingo’s forum?
DOCTOR WHAT
Apart from that.
The hovercar speeds off towards the town.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – TORTURE ROOM – DAY
KILNGIRL is shackled to the wall, surrounded by racks of inventively sharp
things. She shows a defiant face to DARTH GAYDAR, which rapidly turns to fear as
an Imperial torturer with a fiendish grin enters.
DARTH GAYDAR
You are female and so my Kitjedi
powers cannot penetrate your mind.
No matter. Where is the Rebel base?
KILNGIRL
What?
DARTH GAYDAR
I said, where is the Rebel base?!
KILNGIRL
What? I can’t hear you with this hairstyle!
DARTH GAYDAR
(sighs)
Saladin, do your worst.
SALADIN
(grinning evilly)
With pleasure.
He picks up a giant hypodermic syringe. Just the sight of it makes KILNGIRL
faint.
DARTH GAYDAR
We…begin.
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – DAY
The hovercar reaches a checkpoint at the edge of the city, manned by an Imperial
Porntrooper – MATTEP74 from before. LUAKEL looks nervous as MATTEP74
suspiciously analyses C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2.
STEFFEN
How long have you had these politicals?
LUAKEL
(nervously)
Six months and more.
DOCTOR WHAT
(brightly)
They’re for sale if you want them.
STEFFEN
(suspiciously)
Let me see your ID.
DOCTOR WHAT
(making a hand gesture)
You don’t need to see our ID.
STEFFEN
(mechanically)
I don’t need to see your ID.
DOCTOR WHAT
(another hand gesture)
These are not the politicals you’re looking for.
STEFFEN
(mechanically)
These are not the politicals we’re looking for.
DOCTOR WHAT
(and again)
We can go about our business.
STEFFEN
(dreamily)
I will love you forever.
DOCTOR WHAT
(snapping his fingers)
Dammit! The one time it goes wrong
the other way around…
The hovercar draws away and then pulls up in front of a pub, the Whoreson and
Strumpet; they get out, leaving the politicals in the car. An AUSTRALIAN,
SCARECROW, runs up and starts fondling the car.
SCARECROW
Heh heh, bonza wheels mate…
C-LEO
Oh my! I can’t stand these Aussies,
disgusting creatures…
PAULSPRING-D2
(uncharacteristically sounds like he’s agreeing with LEO)
Bleep bleep blatt blatt!
LUAKEL
(shooing SCARECROW away)
"Bugger off mate."
LUAKEL turns to DOCTOR WHAT; in the background SCARECROW starts nicking the
hoverpads – the equivalent of wheels – off the hovercar.
LUAKEL
I thought we were dead back then.
What did you do?
DOCTOR WHAT
(mystically)
Innuendo can have a strong influence on
the weak-minded. For all the porn the
Empire makes those Porntroopers watch,
they’re very innocent in the ways of Innuendo.
(conspiratorially)
You’ll find it a powerful ally.
LUAKEL
(looking around)
Do you really think we’ll find a pilot
here who can take us to Canada?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
You can find almost anything here,
with the possible exception of nice
friendly religious people.
VOICES
How do, Doc!
OTHNIEL, THANDE and MERRYPRANKSTER walk past, banging Salvation Army drums, and
disappear around the corner.
DOCTOR WHAT
Let me rephrase that.
INT. – WHORESON AND STRUMPET PUB – DAY
The pub is smoky and filled with disreputable characters who are all eyeing each
other suspiciously. The bartender is PANZERJAY, who is a bulky, incoherent
character with a piratical eye patch.
LUAKEL and DOCTOR WHAT enter and immediately stick out like sore thumbs. C-LEO
and PAULSPRING-D2 appear behind them.
C-LEO
Oh my…
PANZERJAY
(pointing at C-LEO)
We don’t serve their kind here!
LUAKEL
What?
PANZERJAY
Damned politicals.
Leave ’em outside.
LUAKEL glances at DOCTOR WHAT, but he’s already deep in conversation with a
group of space pirates. LUAKEL shrugs and turns to the politicals.
LUAKEL
Listen, why don’t you
wait outside?
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep blatt blazz!
C-LEO
Well really!
But they go.
LUAKEL watches nervously as DOCTOR WHAT talks earnestly to a series of
progressively uglier aliens, and at one point pulls out a scrap of paper and pen
and exchanges phone numbers with one particularly hideous one. LUAKEL shivers
and turns back to the bar, sipping a glass of ‘LiquiSchit’.
A drunken ALIEN, AGENTDARK, shoves LUAKEL roughly.
AGENTDARK
Spandex Greenpeace?!
Change is the only solution!
LUAKEL
What?
AGENTDARK
(shoves LUAKEL again)
Though the people were starving,
the king lived in luxury.
LUAKEL
Pardon?
STRAHA, a vicious-looking human smoking a giant spliff that’s giving off green
smoke, joins AGENTDARK.
STRAHA
He says he don’t like you, spammy.
LUAKEL
Er, I’m sorry?
STRAHA
(grinning)
I don’t like you either.
AGENTDARK
(belligerently)
Spong! Slip it up the underside
and be none the wiser!
LUAKEL
Um…
STRAHA
How about no, Scott.
Stop tryin’ to start a flamewar.
We’re banned from twelve Threads.
AGENTDARK
Scanulatorous rambunctiousness!
STRAHA
(glancing at AGENTDARK)
Okay, thirteen.
LUAKEL
Um, I’ll be careful.
STRAHA
(grinning)
You’ll be dead.
Everyone else at the bar draws back to give STRAHA and AGENTDARK a clear line of
fire to LUAKEL, who starts sweating nervously. STRAHA and AGENTDARK pull out
powerful-looking pistols.
DOCTOR WHAT returns and stares at the pair levelly.
DOCTOR WHAT
He’s small fry, he’s not
worth it. Let me buy you a drink.
AGENTDARK shakes his huge head, grabs LUAKEL and hurls him across the pub, where
in accordance of the rules of narrative causality, he hits the bar and goes
sliding along it, knocking everyone’s drinks off any getting THEM angry.
STRAHA pulls a gun on DOCTOR WHAT and snarls at him.
PANZERJAY
(waving his arms)
No guns! No guns!
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning a bit disjointedly)
Suits me!
In a flash, DOCTOR WHAT pulls out what looks like a giant metal sex toy and
thumbs a switch that causes a huge wave of electric pink energy to cascade out
into a vaguely phallic shape. DOCTOR WHAT casually deflects a dozen gun blasts
from STRAHA and AGENTDARK off the blade of the sexsword; half of their blasts
hit each other.
AGENTDARK
(angrily, at STRAHA)
The capital of Burma is Rangoon!
STRAHA
(in return)
Fcuk off and die!
They start fighting, blaster bolts going everywhere. DOCTOR WHAT smiles, turns
off his sexsword and steps away. Murmurs through the pub… ‘Kitjedi? Kitjedi!’
A considerably battered LUAKEL approaches DOCTOR WHAT and looks at him with a
new respect. DOCTOR WHAT nods and gestures to a figure standing by a table. He’s
a British Muslim originally from Bangladesh, wearing the sober business suit of
a civil servant.
Yes, it’s CHEWY. 
DOCTOR WHAT
Chewy here is the first mate of
a ship that ought to do us nicely.
LUAKEL
Um, how do you do?
CHEWY
(RP accent)
Not too bad actually old chap!
We blew a bit of a stabiliser thingummy
on the way out of Slovakia, dashed thing,
but on the whole things are going swimmingly!
We then see him say all this again from the perspective of LUAKEL.
CHEWY
Wraaeee…wrroooough…wraaah?
LUAKEL
Um…
DOCTOR WHAT
(kindly)
Let’s just go.
CHEWY
Wraaiagghh!
Subtitle: ‘Americans…  ’
LUAKEL and DOCTOR WHAT follow CHEWY to a booth where a cocksure, 30something
pilot lies sipping a glass of brown ale.
PILOT
(shaking DOCTOR WHAT’s hand)
Floid Lonely. Captain of the Century Hawk.
Chewy tells me you want passage to
the Canada system.
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, if it’s a fast ship.
FLOID
(mock surprise)
You’ve never heard of the Century Hawk?
We’ve made the Colombia run in less than
six miles over the limit!
DOCTOR WHAT looks sceptical.
FLOID
We’ve outrun Imperial Thread Destroyers
before. She’s fast enough for you, old man.
What’s the cargo?
DOCTOR WHAT
We are. Just us and two politicals.
And no questions asked.
FLOID
That’s extra.
Ten thousand quid. In advance!
DOCTOR WHAT
(hemming and hawing)
We don’t have that much on us.
We can pay you two now, and fifteen
when we get to Canada.
FLOID
Hah! What if Canada’s been destroyed
when we get there! I’ll look a right muggins then!
LUAKEL
That’s ridiculous.
FLOID
So I’m paranoid!
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Fine, insurance too.
FLOID
Good. You gotcha self a ship.
Ah…
Looks like someone else is taking interest.
They turn to see STEFFEN and other Imperial Porntroopers prodding the now
deceased bodies of STRAHA and AGENTDARK with suspicion.
STEFFEN
(to PANZERJAY)
All right, we’ll check it out.
STEFFEN turns, but LUAKEL and DOCTOR WHAT are gone. STEFFEN shrugs.
FLOID
(to CHEWY)
Seventeen grand!
This could save our arses, mate.
CHEWY
Too right, old chap.
EXT. – OUTSIDE PUB – DAY
LUAKEL and DOCTOR WHAT appear.
DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll sell your hovercar to raise the money.
LUAKEL
Fine. I’m never coming back here again.
Except in Episode VI, obviously.
DOCTOR WHAT
I hope it still fetches two grand, with the
hoverpads nicked.
LUAKEL
(double taking)
Why that little Aussie-
INT. – PUB – DAY
As FLOID is about to leave, KIDBLAST, a green-skinned alien, appears and poikes
a gun in his side.
KIDBLAST
(strong accent)
Going somewhere, Lonely?
FLOID
Yes, Kidblast. As a matter of fact,
I was just going to see your boss.
Tell Santa I’ve got his money.
FLOID and KIDBLAST sit down at the booth facing each other.
KIDBLAST
It’s too late. You should have
paid him when you got the chance.
There’s a price on your head so big,
every threadjacker in the galaxy is after you.
I just got here first.
FLOID
Yeah, but this time I actually do have the money.
KIDBLAST
(winks)
Give it to me and I might…forget I found you.
FLOID
(angrily)
I don’t have it on me!
Tell Santa-
KIDBLAST
Santa’s through with you.
FLOID slowly reaches for his gun under the table.
KIDBLAST
I’ve been looking forward to killing you.
FLOID
I bet you have.
AUDIENCE OF FANBOYS
Ooh! Let’s find out who shoots first!
It should be Floid – no it should be Kidblast –
(Heretic!!) – why don’t they shoot both at the
same time – (Liberal!!)
FLOID
(glancing at KIDBLAST)
Tell you what…
(he murmurs something)
KIDBLAST
(nods)
Suits me.
They both turn their guns to point at the camera and fire – the view cuts to
static. Over the howls of the fanboys, we hear two shots fired in quick
succession, and KIDBLAST’s dying gasp.
EXT. – DEATH TSAR – SPACE
The Death Tsar, surrounded by fighters, slowly drifts through space.
INT. – DEATH TSAR COMMAND ROOM – DAY
DARTH GAYDAR
She shows remarkable resistance.
This may take more time than I thought.
DAVE HOWERY
Bah! I’m bored with your namby pamby
interrogation techniques.
(his eyes shine with delighted evil)
Helm, set a course – for Canada!
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – DOCKING BAY – DAY
The CENTURY HAWK, a battered looking but sleek ship, sits in the middle. FLOID
is about to walk up the ramp when a shadow appears on the ground behind him.
FLOID turns to find that SANTA THE FATT has entered the bay – he is the naked
fat guy from the picture Diamond posted.
SANTA
Going somewhere, Lonely?
FLOID
You! You sent Kidblast to kill me!
SANTA
Floid, Floid…he was a little overzealous.
FLOID
You could say that.
SANTA
(warningly)
You dumped a shipment last run.
I can’t ignore that.
FLOID
Look, after this job I’ll have the money.
Seventeen grand.
SANTA
You’d better, or I’ll put a price on your
head so big that your neck’ll snap from the weight.
FLOID
(grinning)
You’re a wonderful human being, Santa.
(to himself)
Sorta…
SANTA leaves; LUAKEL, DOCTOR WHAT and the politicals then enter. LUAKEL is
shuffling a wad of banknotes disconsolately.
DOCTOR WHAT
It’ll have to be enough.
LUAKEL
(looking at the ship)
Wow! A beat up looking ship
that doubtless conceals a hidden
superfast drive!
FLOID
Actually it IS a hunk of junk.
But we fuel her on Red Bull and
it seems to make up the difference.
Suddenly a group of IMPERIAL PORNTROOPERS led by STEFFEN burst into the bay and
begin firing.
STEFFEN
Für das Reich!
FLOID draws his pistol and expertly drops three of the Porntroopers with as many
shots.
FLOID
C’mon, let’s get out of here.
They raise the ramp and the Century Hawk flies into the sky, blasts from STEFFEN
still hitting the underside.
~~~
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT – DAY
The ship’s cockpit is a haphazard mix of different consoles, old and new,
plugged together with cables that occasionally emit bright sparks. LUAKEL looks
at them nervously. FLOID keeps his eyes fixed on the cockpit view, which shows
the sparse clouds flowing away and the blue sky darkening to the black night of
space.
FLOID
Nothing on scanners, Chewy?
CHEWY
I should think not, old chap!
From LUAKEL’s expression it is obvious that he is still hearing Chewy’s BBC
English voice as incoherent growls.
FLOID
I don’t like it.
It’s too quiet.
DOCTOR WHAT
(mystically)
Do not tamper with the great
power of Cliché lightly, captain.
FLOID
Huh, I don’t believe in that-
CHEWY
Something is coming up on the
radar display! It was hidden behind
the shadow of the third, fourth and fifth moons!
FLOID glares at DOCTOR WHAT, then turns to CHEWY’s radar screen. His jaw
drops.
FLOID
By my Y-chromosome!
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE
We see the Century Hawk pulling away from the desert world below, but from
behind the shadows of three of the moons, we see two IMPERIAL THREAD DESTROYERS
emerge, their silver arrowheads shining in the three suns’ light.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
As before.
LUAKEL
(nervously)
What can we do?
DOCTOR WHAT
(mischievously)
I seem to recall something about
you outrunning Thread Destroyers before…
FLOID
Yeah, yeah.
Chewy, we got our fake ID running?
CHEWY
Certainly, old bean.
(to himself)
Though it’s hardly cricket, is it?
LUAKEL
What’s this little light mean?
FLOID
(curses)
Transmission coming in.
CHEWY hits a button and an American-accented voice fills the cockpit.
REFORMER
This is Captain Reformer of the
Imperial Thread Destroyer ‘Bigotry’.
By order of the Emperor, come to a halt immediately
for inspection, or prepare to be destroyed!
FLOID
(curses)
Feed ’em some bollocks, Chewy.
CHEWY
What, literally?
FLOID
I meant our cover story.
CHEWY flicks on the comm and begins reciting something about a cargo manifest.
A laser bolt scythes from the Bigotry and comes within a few metres of the
Century Hawk.
LUAKEL
(inexperienced)
Whoa!!
FLOID
Warning shot.
They’re not buying it.
Okay, Plan B.
CHEWY
(grinning)
With pleasure.
CHEWY hits a button on the dashboard. Cut to-
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – ENGINES
Deep in the ship’s reactor, we see a robotic arm tip a can of Red Bull
directly into the main propulsion unit.
EXT – SPACE – CENTURY HAWK
The Century Hawk suddenly sprouts a giant pair of translucent angelic wings,
which it flaps vigorously. The ship puts on a burst of speed and avoids the
Bigotry’s next salvo.
INT – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
CHEWY and FLOID high-five.
FLOID
(grinning)
Nice one. Now we just have
to dodge the fire from the Bigotry and –
what’s that other one?
LUAKEL
(staring at it with his binoculars)
By the pattern of scarring on the hull
and the unique brand of paint in the signeage,
I’d say it’s the ‘Statistics’.
FLOID
(shaking his head)
Fanboy.
DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at the scanners)
Strange…why aren’t they launching fighters?
They could catch us up and get us before we jump.
FLOID
(shrugs)
I don’t know…that would only make sense if
they were planning some sort of…
Silence.
ALL
Oh crap.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR A MOON
Near yet another of Arrakisimeantatooine’s moons, the Century Hawk cruises by,
dodging the fire of the pursuing Bigotry and Statistics. But then a THIRD
Imperial Thread Destroyer emerges from the shadow of the moon, right in their
path…
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
C-LEO
We’re doomed!
NEW VOICE
(over radio)
This is Captain Keenir of the ‘Gratuitous Insult’!
Prepare to be destroyed!
CHEWY
Blow it! They’re powering up
their thread-locker generators!
FLOID
We’ll just have to jump before
the computer finishes calculations.
LUAKEL
But that’s suicide!
It’s not like cropping dusts, man!
DOCTOR WHAT
No. Suicide would be staying here.
Do it, Captain.
FLOID
(sardonically)
So nice of you to agree.
KEENIR
This is your last warning…
FLOID
Now!
FLOID reaches forward and pulls a giant lever on the dashboard.
FLOID
Engaging Hyperlink Drive!
The stars turn blue and begin to stretch into streaks…
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR MOON
The Gratuitous Insult fires a volley of laserfire at the Century Hawk, but the
Century Hawk’s engines suddenly glow bright blue and it streaks out of sight,
the laserfire passing through the empty space where it was a moment ago.
REFORMER
(VO)
Crap, they hyperlinked.
KEENIR
(VO)
What do you think Gaydar will say?
REFORMER
(thinking)
How much are one-way tickets
to Southamerica with a free new ID?
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
The stars continue streaking and bluing, until with a flash the view ahead is a
rotating tunnel of blue streaks. Occasionally, you might think you can make out
words, underlined – the tunnel is made up of HYPERLINKS.
LUAKEL
(shaking)
That was close.
FLOID
We’ve been through worse.
Now, on to Canada!
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR PLANET CANADA
The planet is lush and verdant, mostly ocean, with one large continent shaped
like a maple leaf. As we watch, the DEATH TSAR approaches, casting the shadow of
Nicholas II’s profile on the planet.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – COMMAND ROOM – DAY
ADMIRAL CHRIS and GENERAL WENDELL are in the command room along with GRAND MOD
DAVE HOWERY. They are all staring keenly at the planet on the screen.
CHRIS
We’ve entered the Canada system
DAVE HOWERY
Well duh!
DARTH GAYDAR enters, followed by KILNGIRL, who is restrained by two PORNTROOPERS.
KILNGIRL remains defiant and stares at DAVE HOWERY viciously.
KILNGIRL
Head Chef Howery…
I might have known you’d be
holding Gaydar’s lead.
(she spits at GAYDAR’s feet)
I recognised your foul stench when
I was brought on board.
Rather than getting angry at her, DAVE HOWERY turns to WENDELL.
DAVE HOWERY
(sotto voce)
I thought you said this new
deodorant was working fine!
WENDELL
(panicky)
Are you saying you don’t want
us to be your sycophantic yes men
anymore? I didn’t get that memo…
DAVE HOWERY
Later.
(turns to KILNGIRL)
I see you’re charming to the last.
You don’t know how hard I found it,
signing the order to terminate your employment!
Ending your life seems like such a
small thing beside it…
KILNGIRL
I’m surprised you took the responsibility yourself.
You were always a buck-passer, Howery.
Or something that rhymes with that.
DAVE HOWERY
(ignoring her)
Princess Kilngirl, prior to the unfortunate necessity of
your termination, I would like you to be my guest at
a ceremony that will make this battle station operational.
And then no star system will dare oppose the Emperor…
(to himself)
Or he who controls this station, i.e. me.
KILNGIRL
The more you tighten your grip, Howery,
the more star systems will slip through your fingers.
DAVE HOWERY
Can we please avoid the obscene analogies?
Anyway, the choice is yours as to which planet is destroyed first.
The Rebel base was my first choice, but as Gaydar can’t seem
to draw the planet’s name out of you…
How about your home planet of Canada?
KILNGIRL
No! Canada is peaceful. We have no weapons. We only have
a UN peacekeeping army. You can't possibly...
DAVE HOWERY
(menacingly)
You would prefer another target?
A military target?
Then name the system!
KILNGIRL looks torn. GAYDAR, WENDELL and CHRIS look vaguely impressed.
DAVE HOWERY
I grow tired of this…
(softly)
Last chance.
Where is the Rebel base?
KILNGIRL
(inaudible)
DAVE HOWERY
(cupping his hand to his ear theatrically)
I – can’t – hear – you…
KILNGIRL
(bows her head in defeat)
…Albania.
They’re on Albania.
DAVE HOWERY
(brightly)
There. You see, Lord Gaydar, she can be reasonable.
(to CHRIS)
Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.
KILNGIRL
What?!
DAVE HOWERY
How gullible you are.
(sneering)
Albania’s too remote for an effective
demonstration, but we’ll get to them…later.
Off KILNGIRL’s expression of horror…
DAVE HOWERY
(rubbing his hands together)
As for now, it’s time to fulfil a longstanding
ambition of mine.
Canada is doomed.
KILNGIRL
No!!
DAVE HOWERY
Admiral Chris, fire.
CHRIS hits a button.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – SUPERWEAPON CONTROL CHAMBER
Two guys in black helmets, DRACONISNOIR and REDROVER, are pushing brightly
coloured buttons almost randomly.
DRACONISNOIR
Do you ever wonder why the
Empire can build such a powerful
battle station, yet can’t automate
some simple processes so we have
to prod away at these Seventies control
panels to fire the superweapon?
REDROVER
(considers it)
Nah.
(passes a plate with slices of fruit on it)
Sure you don’t want any melon?
DRACONISNOIR
(firmly)
No.
Both press down on big buttons at the same time.
EXT. – SPACE – CANADA
We see the DEATH TSAR’s eyes light up with blinding white light, then twin
beams of white light shoot out and hit the planet Canada, which in turn slowly
turns into a blinding white burning sphere. Then, as the beams snap off, Canada
explodes in a terrific shower of tiny white-hot rocks.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – COMMAND ROOM
KILNGIRL
NOOOO!!!
CHRIS
Calm down, it’ll look much better
in the Special Edition re-release.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – MAIN CABIN
The central part of the ship. LUAKEL and DOCTOR WHAT are walking over to a table
to sit down, when DOCTOR WHAT suddenly staggers and sits down abruptly.
LUAKEL
Are you all right?
What’s wrong?
DOCTOR WHAT
(slowly)
I felt…a great disturbance in the Board.
Like millions of posts suddenly being deleted…
I fear something terrible has happened.
LUAKEL
No!! They cancelled Lost?!
DOCTOR WHAT sighs.
~~
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – MAIN CABIN
DOCTOR WHAT seems to have recovered from his turn. As we watch, he hands his
Sexsword to LUAKEL, who grasps it in his hand and slowly turns it, looking at
it. His expression goes from interested to disgusted to intrigued to disturbed,
and back again.
LUAKEL
What is it?
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s a Sexsword. A more elegant
weapon for a more civilised time.
The weapon of a Kitjedi for a thousand years.
DOCTOR WHAT takes the weapon from LUAKEL and, as he grips it, a giant pink
phallic-shaped energy lance erupts from the tip. DOCTOR WHAT waves it at an ugly
sculpture on a table to the right of C-LEO; the lance burns through the
sculpture and leaves it in two neat chunks.
C-LEO
Oh my!
Did you see that, PaulSpring?
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop boop beep!
C-LEO
(puzzled)
What do you mean,
more to the left?
That’s not like you…
LUAKEL
(to DOCTOR WHAT)
Let me try.
DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his head)
The Sexsword will only ignite when you
have found the power of the Innuendo
inside yourself.
(he pulls out another Sexsword, hands it to LUAKEL)
Until that time, have this one that your father
asked me to pass on to you.
(winks at camera)
Which was conveniently NEVER
referred to in the prequels!
LUAKEL
(staring at the Sexsword)
Okay…
DOCTOR WHAT
Until you find your Innuendo,
practice with this.
DOCTOR WHAT hands LUAKEL a long wooden rod like a kendo staff. LUAKEL takes it,
looking puzzled.
LUAKEL
But what will I be fencing against?
DOCTOR WHAT smiles.
Time lapse –
LUAKEL is in a martial pose, holding the staff in an en garde position. A red
blur shoots past his left ear, nicking the tip of it and drawing blood. He
swears and ducks.
The camera pulls out to show that DOCTOR WHAT is watching, and CHEWY is standing
beside him holding a bag of cricket balls. DOCTOR WHAT nods to him and CHEWY
goes into a bowler’s stance, then hurls another cricket ball. LUAKEL tries to
block it with his staff, but the red blur hits him in the belly.
LUAKEL
Ooooofff! Winded!
CHEWY
Sorry about that old chap!
DOCTOR WHAT
He’s got to learn.
DOCTOR WHAT walks up to LUAKEL and sticks a blindfold on him.
LUAKEL
Hey!
How can I do it with this on?
DOCTOR WHAT
Use the power of Innuendo.
Don’t rely on your sight, for
that can be deceived.
Only the Innuendo is always truthful.
(to CHEWY)
Again.
CHEWY hurls another cricket ball. This time LUAKEL brings his staff around and
deflects it. The ball goes flying off on a tangent and hits PAULSPRING-D2 on the
dome with a clang.
PAULSPRING-D2
(angry sounding)
Bzzp bzzp bleep bzz!
C-LEO
(suddenly)
More to the left…?!
Why you evil little…!
The two begin arguing again. LUAKEL deflects two more cricket balls, then grins
and lifts his blindfold. He’s sweating with the effort.
LUAKEL
I did it!
CHEWY
Well done, old bean!
(tuts)
Even if this is more like
baseball than any
civilised gentleman’s game…
LUAKEL
(still not understanding him)
Er thanks, I think…
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s a start, Luak.
You have begun to learn
the way of the Kitjedi Order.
FLOID enters from the cockpit, holding a deflected cricket ball in his hand and
with a large red lump swelling on his forehead.
FLOID
(sarcastically)
I see you’re teaching him
friendly fire.
(contemptuously)
Ancient religions and hokey weapons
are no match for your wits and a good
pistol at your side, kid.
DOCTOR WHAT
You don’t believe in Innuendo, do you?
FLOID
I’ve been there, seen it,
done it, got the T-shirt.
There ain’t no mysterious power
controlling my destiny!
DOCTOR WHAT smiles to himself. Without looking, his arm suddenly flicks out and
he grabs a cricket ball that CHEWY had been tossing from hand to hand,
mid-flight. Then he hurls it in a complex technique that sends it ricocheting
off several consoles, clanging off the two politicals, then bouncing sharply
between FLOID’s feet and…
FLOID’s expression becomes…different.
FLOID
(high pitched voice)
So you’re good at trigonometry…
DOCTOR WHAT
Never underestimate the power of Innuendo.
LUAKEL looks impressed.
A light starts flashing on a console and CHEWY notices it.
CHEWY
Chaps, it looks like we’re coming
up on Canada right now!
FLOID
(wincing and walking like John Wayne)
About time too. We’re in the money…!
FLOID and CHEWY go back into the cockpit. Left alone, except for the bickering
politicals, DOCTOR WHAT and LUAKEL share a private moment.
LUAKEL
I…I could feel it.
The power of Innuendo
flowing through me-
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling, a bit sadly)
That’s good.
You’ve taken your first
step into a larger world.
(to himself)
He reminds me so much
of his father…
Only without the attitude.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – COMMAND ROOM
As before, GRAND MOD DAVE HOWERY is standing in the centre of the chamber along
with DARTH GAYDAR, while ADMIRAL CHRIS and GENERAL WENDELL are in the
background.
Now CAPTAIN FORTYSEVEN approaches DAVE HOWERY and salutes.
DAVE HOWERY
(eventually deigns to notice him)
Yes?
FORTYSEVEN
Sir, our scout ships have
reached Albania.
DARTH GAYDAR
Yes?
FORTYSEVEN
They found the remains of a
Rebel base, but it had been
deserted for some time…bought
up by a porn site company or something…
DAVE HOWERY
(incensed)
She lied! She lied to us!
I’ll kill her!
DARTH GAYDAR
Weren’t you planning to do that anyway?
DAVE HOWERY
Well yeah, but…
I’ll kill her twice as hard!
DARTH GAYDAR
(smugly)
Seems your interrogation techniques aren’t
so superior to mine after all, Grand Mod.
DAVE HOWERY
(furious)
Captain Fortyseven, give the order.
She is to be terminated immediately.
FORTYSEVEN
(salutes)
Yessir.
EXT. – HYPERLINK SPACE
The Century Hawk is surrounded by the swirling tunnel of blue hyperlinks.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID
Okay Chewy, here we go.
Nice and easy.
CHEWY
Hyperlink drive disengaged,
activating sublight engines…
CHEWY and FLOID both pull levers. The cockpit windows show the tunnel of
hyperlinks collapsing and the hyperlinks begin to shorten back into stars. Then
the ship suddenly begins shuddering and molten rocks begin pummelling the
shields with flashes of light.
FLOID
WTF?!
Who put an asteroid field here?!
CHEWY
’Tis a mystery.
LUAKEL rushes into the bouncing cockpit, followed at a more sedate pace by
DOCTOR WHAT.
LUAKEL
What’s going on??
FLOID
(staring at panel)
I don’t get this.
Our position is right.
But there’s no Canada here!
There’s just an asteroid field!
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Could you put those two facts together, please?
FLOID
Wha…?!
(shakes his head)
The whole planet’s been destroyed!
LUAKEL
(horrified)
My God…
DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
Destroyed by the Empire.
FLOID
C’mon, old man. It’d take
a thousand Thread Destroyers
a year to destroy a whole planet…
DOCTOR WHAT
Then maybe it was something different.
Something new…
A blip appears on the radar. CHEWY stares at it and fiddles with the controls.
CHEWY
I say, I’ve got another ship
coming in here…
LUAKEL
Maybe they know what happened?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his head)
They won’t tell us.
That’s an Imperial fighter.
EXT. – SPACE – GRAVEYARD OF CANADA
The asteroid field is more dispersed here. The Century Hawk is visible to one
side, but we focus as the Imperial fighter emerges from the shadow of a
particularly large rock…
It’s a grotesque design, shaped like a not very convincing Southeast Asian
ladyboy with the cockpit in the head and the laser cannons in the fake breasts.
Yes, it’s…
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID
(cursing)
A Thai fighter!
We see green laser fire spray from the fighter’s fake breasts and hit the
Century Hawk, making the console spark; the fighter then swoops away.
LUAKEL
It must have followed us.
DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his head)
No. They never launched fighters,
and this is a short range thing anyway.
No Hyperlink Drive. It must have a nearby mothership.
FLOID
(staring at his radar)
Well I don’t see any nearby ship…
Where did it come from?
LUAKEL
Well it’s certainly in a hurry to leave.
If they ID’d us…
FLOID
Kid’s got a point. Chewy, jam them.
DOCTOR WHAT
But they’ll be out of range soon…
FLOID
(grinning)
Not with our Red Bull.
Chewy, follow ’em, and ready weapons.
DOCTOR WHAT has visible misgivings…
EXT. – SPACE – GRAVEYARD OF CANADA
The Century Hawk zooms away after the Thai fighter, deploying its Red Bull wings
to catch up, slowly closing the gap.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
The Thai fighter is silhouetted in the middle of the windscreen. Red laser bolts
from the Century Hawk zap around it, but the manoeuvrable fighter manages to
avoid being hit.
Ahead, one star is growing brighter and it’s obvious the fighter’s heading
for it.
CHEWY
Curses!
We need to get closer.
FLOID
I’ll pull out all the stops.
He literally pulls out all the stops, including the one labelled Vox Dei. The
ship shudders and accelerates even more.
DOCTOR WHAT
(worriedly)
That fighter couldn’t have
gotten here by itself…
LUAKEL
Maybe it was part of a convoy
escort and got left behind…
FLOID
Yeah yeah.
Never mind the biography for
some pilot who’ll be dead in a minute.
EXT. – SPACE – GRAVEYARD OF CANADA
One of CHEWY’s laser bolts scorches the Thai-fighter’s left buttock. The
fighter jerks and almost skews to a halt, but recovers at the last moment. The
light ahead becomes even more distinct, and obviously not spherical but
elongated.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
The light is now very distinct.
LUAKEL
He’s heading for that small moon.
FLOID
Why are you calling it a moon if
there’s no planet left for it to orbit?
LUAKEL
(affronted)
Because it sounds cooler!
FLOID
Fair enough.
DOCTOR WHAT
(pointing, horrified)
That’s no moon!
It’s-
FLOID
Now stop it, old man.
I may not care for the kid
but there’s no reason to be
an Astrophysics Nazi.
I bet you’re one of those
sad bastards who claims Pluto
isn’t a real planet, too, eh?
DOCTOR WHAT
NO!! Look – the –
FLOID
(not listening)
And furthermore, I think you’ll find
that such classifications are entirely
arbitary considering that they are simply
artificial human subsets imposed upon
a reality with in fact is a continuum.
Have you ever read the monogramme
by Von Frossen on the subject? It’s fascinating…
DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
We’re going to-
FLOID
We’re going to explore this problem
in full and then you’re going to admit
you were wrong and apologise to Luak.
(glances up)
Anyway, that isn’t a planet OR a moon!
It’s a huge battle station that’s tractoring us in!
Long pause.
FLOID
Oh crap.
~~~
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID and CHEWY both desperately flip switch after switch, CHEWY finally
resorting to bashing one panel with a large wrench. FLOID tries the pilot yoke,
twitches it, no effect. He lets go and slumps in his chair.
FLOID
It’s no good.
This tractor beam’s too powerful.
It’s drawing us in like a thread about
anti-Bush lesbians doing a successful Sealion.
DOCTOR WHAT
No, we can’t fight our way out.
(mysteriously)
But…there are alternatives…
LUAKEL
(nervous teenage bravado)
I have a good feeling about this.
EXT. – DEATH TSAR
The almost invisible tractor beam pulls the Century Hawk in towards the Death
Tsar’s mouth, which opens as we watch. As we get closer, we see the battle
station in more detail, and the perspective keeps winding back as it seems
bigger and bigger. We see that the Death Tsar’s bristling beard is made up of
sensor and communications antennae, and that each single triangular tooth is a
docked Thread Destroyer.
The Century Hawk is pulled in.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DOCKING BAY
The Century Hawk drops into one of the many landing bays within the the Death
Tsar’s mouth.
ADMIRAL CHRIS
(over intercom)
Porntroopers to Bay 2652352.
Prepare for boarding of hostile craft.
Flood bay with atmosphere.
A number of PORNTROOPERS enter the bay. They are dressed in similar camouflage
armour to that of those we saw on Arrakisimeantatooine, but it is in shades of
grey rather than khaki. They are led by Colonel FENKMASTER.
FENKMASTER
To your stations!
Search pattern alpha one, execute!
The PORNTROOPERS form up and cautiously approach the Century Hawk, covering each
other from well-practiced positions.
FENKMASTER
Bring up the lock breaker.
Let’s crack open this nut
for the sweet goodness inside.
The PORNTROOPERS roll their eyes at each other, but comply. One opens the
Century Hawk hatch with a lock breaker, and the PORNTROOPERS march in,
meticulously looking around them for traps.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – COMMAND ROOM
As before. DAVE HOWERY is still looking revoltingly happy and is busy replaying
Canada’s destruction on his monitor, over and over again in slow motion.
The intercom buzzes and he responds.
DAVE HOWERY
What?
FENKMASTER
Sir, we’ve captured a freighter whose
markings seem to match that of a
ship that blasted its way out of
Arrakeenimeanmoseisley.
DARTH GAYDAR
(scoffs)
They must be trying to return the
stolen plans to the Princess.
DAVE HOWERY
(stroking his beard meditatively)
She may yet be of some use to us…
GAYDAR leaves with a Porntrooper escort.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DOCKING BAY
GAYDAR arrives; as he does, FENKMASTER and several other Porntroopers exit the
Century Hawk. FENKMASTER salutes.
FENKMASTER
Deserted, sir. The black box
says the crew abandoned ship
as soon as they escaped our ships
at Arrakisimeantatooine. Some of
the escape pods are missing…
DARTH GAYDAR
What about politicals?
Did you find any politicals?
FENKMASTER
No, sir.
They must have been jettisoned.
GAYDAR
Hmmph…
Send a scanning crew on board anyway.
Go over this ship with a fine toothcomb!
FENKMASTER
Yessir.
GAYDAR turns to leave, then stops and looks around him meditatively.
FENKMASTER
My Lord?
GAYDAR
(disturbed)
I sense something. A presence
I haven’t felt for a long time…
ANNOYING FANBOY
(popping up out of audience)
To be precise: 18 years 2 months 3 days 5 hours…
GAYDAR casually snaps his fingers and the ANNOYING FANBOY’s neck snaps. He
gurgles and falls to the floor. GAYDAR turns and leaves.
FENKMASTER
(to troops)
Get me a scanning crew here right now!
No – scratch that – I’ll go myself.
He leaves.
INT. CENTURY HAWK – HALLWAY
A single Porntrooper runs through the hallway heading for the exit, then is
gone.
Silence persists for a few seconds. The voices outside fade.
Then two floor panels pop up revealing FLOID and CHEWY. A locker on the wall
pops open and a stiff-looking DOCTOR WHAT comes out.
DOCTOR WHAT
(disapprovingly)
I still say you shouldn’t have
sensor shielded smuggling compartments.
FLOID
I’m a smuggler, aren’t I?
FLOID sniffs his arm and makes a face.
FLOID
Ugh. Trust me to end up with the one I was
using to store those smelly drugs.
DOCTOR WHAT
(outraged)
You run drugs??
FLOID
(affronted)
Medical supplies!
To the children of Northkorea,
through the blockade.
DOCTOR WHAT
(embarrassed)
Oh…well…then…
Another floor panel pops up to reveal LUAKEL, who has wide googly eyes and a
silly grin.
LUAKEL
(singing badly)
Lucy in the sky-y…with dia-amonds…
FLOID avoids DOCTOR WHAT’s glare.
~~~
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – HALLWAY
As before, but LUAKEL is sulking and taking large bites out of a massive cold
turkey.
DOCTOR WHAT
(indicating turkey)
Lucky you had that.
CHEWY
(shrugs)
Leftovers from last Christmas.
FLOID
Okay, enough yapping.
Most of ’em have left for now, but
how the heck do we escape?
DOCTOR WHAT
We need to deactivate the tractor beams.
FLOID
Well, the Imps all subscribe to the
Big Red Button design philosophy,
so they’ll just be one station to disable…
But how do we do it?
DOCTOR WHAT
(dramatically)
Leave that to me.
FLOID
(snorts)
I should have known.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DOCKING BAY
A few bored-looking PORNTROOPERS remain on guard. FENKMASTER returns with two
other Porntroopers carrying a large scanner apparatus.
FENKMASTER
Come on. We’ll do what Lord Gaydar says.
All the PORNTROOPERS enter the ship with the apparatus.
A moment’s silence.
Then we hear a rapid hail of laserfire and the hum of a sexsword.
LUAKEL
(VO)
Eeeewwww…
Did you really have to cut him THERE?
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
He was getting on my wick.
CHEWY
I suspect the reverse no longer applies.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DOCKING BAY OVERSIGHT OFFICE
We see an officer, MRP, glance down into the docking bay and note that the
guards around the Century Hawk are missing. MRP sighs and picks up a comlink.
MRP
I say?
One-Nine-Two and Oh-Eight-Nine-Eight?
Where are you? Why aren’t you at your station?
Two PORNTROOPERS step out of the Century Hawk and look up at MRP. One taps his
helmet and then shakes his head.
MRP
(tuts)
Faulty comlink?
I knew we shouldn’t have bought
them from Crapola, Inc.
All right, I’ll come and sort it out.
MRP gets up and goes to the door of the office, which slids open to reveal CHEWY
lifting a cricket bat menacingly.
MRP
I say!
This is a bit unpleasant!
CHEWY
Too true, old bean, but
I’m afraid it’s a necessary evil.
MRP
Dash it! But I suppose you’re right.
MRP takes off his officer’s hat and indicates a point on his skull.
MRP
Could you make it about there?
My phrenologist tells me I need
to be more extroverted.
CHEWY
My pleasure, dear fellow.
CHEWY wallops MRP with the cricket bat, knocking him out. LUAKEL and FLOID,
dressed in the captured Porntrooper armour, step into the room. FLOID shakes his
head in disbelief at CHEWY, while LUAKEL just looks confused.
FLOID
Okay. Now let’s let those
two sacks of bile earn their keep.
C-LEO
How rude!
PAULSPRING-D2
(agreeing)
Beep boop boop beep.
LUAKEL
(hastily)
Look, guys, the computer outlet’s here…
The two politicals step into the room and go to the computer outlet, followed by
DOCTOR WHAT, who sits down at the keyboard and begins rapidly tapping away.
C-LEO
(reading over DOCTOR WHAT’s shoulders)
Oh my! Did you really do that with a paint roller
and the Swedish women’s Olympic swim team?
DOCTOR WHAT
(hastily, under FLOID’s glare)
Er – okay – I can check that forum later –
let’s find a floor plan…
DOCTOR WHAT hits some more buttons and a floor plan comes up.
C-LEO
My word! It’s more complex
than the third inflected tense of
Upper Sumero-Akkadian!
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop razz!
C-LEO
(angrily)
Oh you can, can you?!
PAULSPRING-D2 extends an arm that plugs into the computer socket and twizzles
from side to side; new plans come up on the screen. Everyone studies the plans,
except DOCTOR WHAT, who stares at PAULSPRING-D2’s activity with an almost
wistful expression.
FLOID
Hey, the little rightwinger’s done it!
Look, he’s located the central station!
PAULSPRING-D2
(smugly)
Boop beep razz razz!
C-LEO
Well! Nov. 2004 all over again, isn’t it?!
DOCTOR WHAT reluctantly studies the plans, then shakes his head.
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s too dangerous.
I’m going alone.
FLOID
(shrugs)
Suits me.
I ain’t getting danger pay.
LUAKEL
But I want to go with you, Bruno…
DOCTOR WHAT
You must learn patience, Luakel.
Only the patience of Sting will allow
you to become a full Kitjedi.
LUAKEL
But-
DOCTOR WHAT
You must watch over the politicals.
The most important thing is to get
those plans to the Rebels before more
worlds meet the fate of Canada!
LUAKEL
But-
DOCTOR WHAT
Sheesh, you’ve got more buts
than BigBouncingBooty.com.
(seriously)
Our destinies lie along different paths, Luak.
The Innuendo be with you, always.
DOCTOR WHAT turns and leaves, leaving LUAKEL looking distraught. FLOID and CHEWY
exchange looks.
CHEWY
I think the dear fellow has gone a
little bit cup and plate in the head.
FLOID
You said it, Chewy.
(to LUAKEL)
Where’d you dig up this old fossil, anyway?
LUAKEL
(defensively)
Bruno’s a great man!
FLOID
Great enough to save our arses
all by himself while we stand here
twiddling our thumbs?
CHEWY
(wincing)
Out of context, that’s a really disturbing image.
FLOID
(ignoring him)
Anything’s better than just
hanging around like this…
LUAKEL
But-
PAULSPRING-D2
(interrupting)
Loud whistle!
C-LEO
Oh my!
LUAKEL goes over to the two politicals.
LUAKEL
What is it?
C-LEO
(shakes his head)
I can’t say, sir. He just keeps
saying ‘I’ve found her, I’ve found her’…
(listens some more to the beeps)
Oh, and ‘she’s so hot…’
LUAKEL
Princess Kilngirl!
She’s here?
FLOID
What?
C-LEO
(reading plans)
Level 213423, detention block 321434234.
I’m afraid she’s scheduled to be…terminated.
LUAKEL
We’ve got to do something!
FLOID
What’re you talking about?
LUAKEL
These are her politicals, she’s the
one in the message. We’ve gotta help her!
FLOID
Now look, your loony old mate told us to stay here.
CHEWY
(laughing)
You’ve changed your tune, Floid.
LUAKEL
She is exceedingly rich…
FLOID
Well that’s different then isn’t it!
LUAKEL
Don’t worry. I have a plan.
(stares at camera)
And it’s as hot as the princess is!
LUAKEL and FLOID put on their helmets, put CHEWY in handcuffs, and leave,
locking the door behind them and leaving the politicals in the room. We follow
the three, but hear distantly:
C-LEO
(distantly)
Oh my.
We’re doomed.
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop beep.
C-LEO
How dare you…?!
I never even mention the
GOP’s handling of the economy!!
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep bleep.
C-LEO
It was NOT implied!
And it continues as we follow the three walking away
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DETENTION AREA
A lift arrives, the doors swing open, and FLOID and LUAKEL step out with the
handcuffed CHEWY between them.
LUAKEL
(muffled)
Are you sure this helmet’s on
the right way around?
FLOID
(less muffled)
Positive. Your head must be
on backwards.
CHEWY
(fed up with his role)
If you want, I could correct that…
LUAKEL
(nervous)
No thanks.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – A HALLWAY
The hallway is bustling with Imperial officers, Porntroopers and politicals.
DOCTOR WHAT, seeming insubstantial and translucent, prances between them as
though dodging raindrops. None of them seem to see him. We only see DOCTOR WHAT’s
long Kitjedi cloak from the back.
DOCTOR WHAT
(to himself; still turned away from camera)
Innuendo is a great power.
If you dress outrageously enough,
they won’t allow themselves to see you.
We hear a clang; DOCTOR WHAT looks down and we see something that looks vaguely
like a cheesegrater has fallen to the floor and is visible between his sandaled
feet.
DOCTOR WHAT
(tuts to himself)
Knew those straps were faulty.
He picks up the cheesegrater and we hear a faint squeaking sound as he –
reattaches? – it. Then he continues prancing along, the Imperials oblivious.
INT. – DEATH STAR – DETENTION AREA
FLOID and LUAKEL, plus the faux prisoner CHEWY, step into the main cell area.
The cells are guarded by dozens of Porntroopers plus wall-mounted lasers and
other weapons.
FLOID
Tricky.
An officer, FEDERATIONX, walks up to them and sneers at CHEWY.
FEDERATIONX
What are you doing with this…thing?
CHEWY
I say, that’s a bit strong, isn’t it?
LUAKEL
Umm err…prisoner transfer from
block 2353245354634643654.
FEDERATIONX
I wasn’t notified!
I’ll have to clear it…
He reaches for a clipboard. FLOID and LUAKEL exchange worried glances, then
FLOID shrugs and pulls the fake handcuffs off CHEWY.
FLOID
Look out! He’s loose!
CHEWY roars, lifts his cricket bat, and smashes FEDERATIONX to one side.
FLOID
(to other PORNTROOPERS)
We’ll handle him!
FLOID pulls out a gun and fires one shot. It misses CHEWY, but rebounds off the
ceiling, walls and floor, before striking a detector on the wall. The detector
lights up and all the wall-mounted lasers swivel towards the PORNTROOPERS,
shooting down all of them before they can respond.
FLOID
(pityingly)
Idiots.
Now let’s find your princess…
An intercom on a desk chirps. FLOID and LUAKEL exchange worried glances.
FORTYSEVEN
(VO)
Lieutenant FederationX?
Report.
(pause)
Lieutenant?
FLOID goes over to the intercom and hits it.
FLOID
(harshly)
Lieutenant FederationX has been
incapacitated by a dangerous leak of…
er…um…
LUAKEL
Vegemite.
FLOID
-vegemite, and this area
should be quarantined.
FORTYSEVEN
(VO)
A leak of Vegemite?!
You must think I’m a fool!
(pause)
It’s Bovril on that layer!
FLOID
I see.
FLOID shoots the intercom.
FLOID
(sarcastically)
Nice going, kid.
LUAKEL
Come on, let’s get the Princess
and get out of here.
FLOID
You go get her.
I’ll find an escape route.
LUAKEL nods, scans the cell numbers, finds the right one. He takes a step
towards it. We hear screams of pain and anguish. LUAKEL hesitates, then shakes
his head grimly and continues.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – CELL
LUAKEL steps in and gasps in amazement. KILNGIRL is there looking bored, while
SALADIN the torturer is writhing in pain on the floor.
SALADIN
Please…no more…
bad…jokes…!
KILNGIRL
(tuts)
For that, you’re hearing
the one about the man
who goes into a pub with
a herring under his arm…
SALADIN
Noooo!!!
He pulls out a knife and stabs himself, keeling over.
KILNGIRL
(contemptuously)
Typical man.
(to LUAKEL)
Come to execute me?
LUAKEL
(surprised)
Oh, the armour.
(he takes the helmet off)
I’ve come to rescue you!
We hear sounds of shouting and laserfire outside.
KILNGIRL
(sizing him up)
Can you rescue yourself first?
~~~
LUAKEL
Come on! I’ve got your PaulSpring unit.
I’m here with Bruno Lombardi.
KILNGIRL
General Lombardi is here?!
Where is he?
LUAKEL
Come on!
Luakel Slywanker, by the way.
KILNGIRL
And you may address me as
your Royal Imperial Majestic Highnessness.
LUAKEL
(thinks about it)
Okay.
The two hurry out of the cell.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – COMMAND ROOM
DAVE HOWERY sits there as before, reading a report, whilst DARTH GAYDAR paces
back and forth, looking restless.
GAYDAR
He is here.
DAVE HOWERY
(sceptically)
Doctor-What Lombardi?
What makes you think so?
GAYDAR
A…tremor in the Innuendo.
As though a cucumber turned out
to be just a vegetable.
The last time I felt it was in the
presence of my old master.
DAVE HOWERY
Surely he must be dead by now!
GAYDAR
(intensely)
Don’t underestimate the power of Innuendo.
DAVE HOWERY
(dismissively)
The Kitjedi are gone!
Their fickle spark has
left the Internet.
(a pause)
You, my friend, is all that
is left of their religion.
GAYDAR looks about to respond, angrily, but the comlink beeps.
DAVE HOWERY
Yes?
FORTYSEVEN
(over comm)
Grand Mod Howery, we have an
emergency alert in detention block
2353464357123/23534534/324AG.
DAVE HOWERY
The Princess! Put all sections on alert!
GAYDAR
(dreamily)
Doctor-What IS here.
And the Innuendo is with him.
DAVE HOWERY
Okay, let’s say you’re right.
He can’t be allowed to escape!
GAYDAR
That is not his plan.
I must face him alone.
GAYDAR swishes his cloak dramatically and leaves. DAVE HOWERY shakes his head in
pity.
DAVE HOWERY
(to himself)
Don’t ask me why the Emperor
puts up with him.
Why can’t we just send a squad
of damn robot tanks to deal with this Kitjedi…?!
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DETENTION AREA
FLOID and CHEWY have set up a barricade against a doorway, but as we watch, a
blowtorch begins to cut through it.
FLOID
Down!
The door blows up and Porntroopers march in. FLOID and CHEWY drop a few of them
with gunshots, then turn tail and run before they’re overwhelmed. They meet
LUAKEL and KILNGIRL coming the other way.
KILNGIRL
Great, you sealed off our only escape route.
Typical man!
FLOID
Why don’t you use the
royal prerogative and shut up?
CHEWY
Chaps, chaps –
we can’t fight, there’s a war on.
LUAKEL
(into his comlink)
C-Leo? C-Leo?
C-LEO
(over comlink)
Yes, sir?
I say, it’s remarkably
interesting up here. PaulSpring
thinks he’s found a section of
computer code which appears to
be in Lower Armeno-Sakashvilic!
LUAKEL
Yes, yes.
We’ve been cut off!
Are there any other ways out of the cell block?!
(pause)
What? I can’t hear you…
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DOCKING BAY OVERSIGHT OFFICE
As before – MRP is still slumped on the floor, PAULSPRING-D2 and C-LEO are
still operating the computers. PAULSPRING-D2 whistles as he brings up a new
plan.
C-LEO
Sir, all systems have been alerted.
There are no other ways out.
Someone begins banging on the door.
FORTYSEVEN
(VO)
Open up in there!
C-LEO
Oh, no!
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop razz!
C-LEO
This is hardly the time to debate whether
the provisions of the PATRIOT act allow
breaking and entering without a warrant!
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DETENTION CENTRE
The crew continue exchanging fire with the troops, taking cover behind a support
pillar. They drop a lot of the troops, who don’t shoot very accurately, but
there are always more behind them.
LUAKEL
(looking up from comlink)
C-Leo says there’s no other way out.
FLOID
That’s just great!
I can’t hold them off for ever!
KILNGIRL
(sarcastically)
Great rescue, guys.
FLOID
You got any better ideas?
KILNGIRL
Sure!
KILNGIRL kicks FLOID in the cojones, then as he doubles up in pain, she knees
him under the chin – he topples backward and hits a hidden doorway, which
collapses under the impact. He falls back into a garbage chute.
LUAKEL
(a bit scared)
Wow! How did you know that was there?
KILNGIRL
Er, I didn’t.
I just thought hitting him could only
improve the situation.
LUAKEL edges away.
CHEWY
Come on chaps, let’s join them!
The three dive into the chute, which closes behind them.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – GARBAGE CHUTE
They end up in a huge room which is…spotlessly clean.
FLOID
WTF?!
I thought this was a garbage chute!
KILNGIRL
(tuts)
Typical man!
You don’t think the Empire can build a
massive advanced starfleet yet would still
use some medieval trash compactor with
monsters somehow living in the rubbish?
LUAKEL
(raises hand)
Er…
The room is beginning to flood with a red liquid, which starts to dissolve their
shoes.
KILNGIRL
Devourer bacteria, great.
Out of here, we should get!
CHEWY
Yes, your Royal Highness.
CHEWY pulls out his cricket bat and bashes a hole in the wall. They all exit,
ending up in a nondescript corridor.
FLOID
Well that wasn’t very suspenseful, was it?
LUAKEL
Yeah, if I wanted boring
scientific realism, I’d have
joined the cast of ‘2001’.
KILNGIRL
Shut up, you two!
Now, where’s your ship?
FLOID, LUAKEL and CHEWY all point in different directions. KILNGIRL sighs.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DOCKING BAY OVERSIGHT OFFICE
FORTYSEVEN and his men finally blast into the room.
FORTYSEVEN
What’s going on?
State your assignments!
C-LEO
Er – thank goodness you’ve got here!
They knocked out this poor officer
(indicates MRP)
and they’re heading for the prison levels!
They’re madmen, sir, madmen!
FORTYSEVEN
(nods)
Okay.
(to two of his men)
You two, get this guy to sickbay.
The Imperials leave, taking MRP with them.
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop boop beep!
C-LEO
(modestly)
Well, I agree, it was a virtuoso performance.
PAULSPRING-D2
Boop razz!
C-LEO
What?! What do you mean, just what
you’d expect from a deceitful leftie?!
INT. – DEATH TSAR – TRACTOR BEAM CONTROL ROOM
The room is huge. DOCTOR WHAT enters, looks around him, then goes out and walks
along a giant narrow bridge over a canyon of metal and glass.
DOCTOR WHAT
Why?! Why?!!!
DOCTOR WHAT reaches the end of the bridge and finds a massive nexus with one
enormous red button labelled ‘Big Red Button’. He walks up to it and presses
it. All the lights on all the control panels go out. As an afterthought, he
pulls out his Sexsword and cuts up the control panel so it can’t just be
switched back on.
DOCTOR WHAT
That ought to do it.
DOCTOR WHAT gets back to the other end of the bridge, then turns to see a
detachment of Porntroopers marching past. The camera follows the Porntroopers as
they march, then swings back to DOCTOR WHAT as one of the troopers casts an idle
look in his direction. But DOCTOR WHAT is gone, concealed.
FORTYSEVEN
Secure this area until the alert is cancelled.
Give me regular reports.
All but two of the Porntroopers leave. DOCTOR WHAT frowns at them, then makes a
certain gesture. The two troopers spin around and stare at each other in horror.
BOTH TROOPERS
(in synch)
Are you coming on to me?!
They scream and run away from each other. DOCTOR WHAT smirks and sneaks past
them.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – A HALLWAY
LUAKEL, FLOID, CHEWY and KILNGIRL stop before a bay window overlooking the
Century Hawk bay. It’s full of troopers.
FLOID
Crap!
KILNGIRL
(looking at the ship)
Certainly is.
LUAKEL
(into comlink)
C-Leo, do you copy?
C-LEO
(VO)
Of course not! As I keep telling him,
I do not plagiarise other news sources-
LUAKEL
(patiently)
Where are you?
C-LEO
(VO)
Just outside the ship.
LUAKEL
Stand by.
They set off towards the ship, taking a route that looks empty, but suddenly a
large number of Porntroopers appear in front of them. FLOID shrugs, pulls out
his gun and drops half of them before they can react. CHEWY throws his cricket
bat and decapitates another three of them. The others hesitate, but then
reinforcements come up behind them and they charge again.
FLOID
Let’s get outta here!
The four turn a corner and run down a long bridge to another section. At least,
CHEWY and FLOID do – then the bridge collapses. LUAKEL and KILNGIRL stare at
it in horror. The Porntroopers are just behind them.
LUAKEL
Wait! I have it!
From his belt he pulls a canister of Silly String and fires it at the ceiling.
He grabs the ensuing rope and then grabs KILNGIRL, who holds on tight to him.
Then he just stands there.
KILNGIRL
Well? What are you waiting for?
LUAKEL
(awkwardly)
I seem have a bit of a semi on…
AUDIENCE WHO’VE SEEN PREQUELS
THE FORKS!!! WHERE ARE THE FORKS?!!!!
LUAKEL snaps out of it as a Porntrooper blast knocks his hat off. He grasps the
rope and swings to the next ledge, meeting CHEWY and FLOID.
FLOID
Very dramatic.
Now come on!
INT. – DEATH TSAR – ANOTHER HALLWAY
DOCTOR WHAT hides in the shadows. Several Porntroopers march past him. He nods
and goes down the hallway to the next junction.
Then, from the shadows behind HIM, GAYDAR appears and begins stalking him…
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DOCKING BAY
C-LEO stares at the troopers surrounding the Century Hawk.
C-LEO
My, my…
How can we possibly get through?
PAULSPRING-D2
Razz razz!
PAULSPRING-D2 plugs into a computer socket and twiddles it. Alarms go off. The
troopers stare at their computers in alarm and all leave, given new orders.
PAULSPRING-D2
(smugly)
Beep razz!
C-LEO
Well! Talk about showing off!
C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2 run into the Century Hawk.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – ANOTHER HALLWAY
DOCTOR WHAT hurries along the hallway; at the end, we can see the Century Hawk
hangar. But just before he reaches it, DARTH GAYDAR steps out in front of him,
igniting his sexsword, which is green in colour. DOCTOR WHAT nods, seemingly
unsurprised, and ignites his own pink sexsword. The two both take slow steps
forward, sizing each other up.
GAYDAR
I’ve been waiting for you, Doctor-What.
We meet again! For the last time!
(looks a bit confused, then continues)
The parallelogram is distended!
DOCTOR WHAT
Never were much good at conversational
geometry, were you?
They both go into en garde positions.
GAYDAR
Now the student has become the master.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, New Labour DOES keep
making the exams easier…
Suddenly, without warning, DOCTOR WHAT makes his move. With almost insulting
ease, GAYDAR blocks it. The two sexsword blades wrap themselves around each
other. GAYDAR grunts and pulls his free, then makes a lightning slash at DOCTOR
WHAT that he barely manages to block. They pull apart, blades slapping at each
other, eyeing each other intensely.
GAYDAR
Your powers are weak, old man.
You should have switched to the Straight Side
while you still had a chance.
DOCTOR WHAT
(coldly)
Never.
Another series of rapid cuts and parries. Suddenly the two characters’ words
don’t match up to their mouth movements, and the voices sound a bit wrong too,
as though they were dubbed on later.
NOT QUITE DOCTOR WHAT
There’s only one thing we agree on, isn’t there?
NOT QUITE GAYDAR
Yes. We both adore Rad Rad Neut.
NOT QUITE DOCTOR WHAT
Of course! Who in the world doesn’t
like Rad Rad Neut? He’s children’s
favourite friend and a most successful
merchandising item!
NOT QUITE GAYDAR
Well who could argue with that?
Cut to
INT. – SLYWANKER RANCH
THANDE is busy fiddling with a huge video mixer, the movie showing on the
screen, when two Federal agents burst in and grab him.
THANDE
Hey!!
FEDERAL AGENTS
Mr Thande, you’re under arrest for
breach of the Stop Messing Up Your
Earlier Classic Movies With References
To Your Crappy Later Ones Act.
THANDE
(being dragged away)
You’ll pay! You’ll all pay!
Cut back to –
INT. – DEATH TSAR – CORRIDOR
As before. The two continue fighting.
DOCTOR WHAT
(almost pityingly)
You can’t win, "Darth". If you cut me down,
I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
GAYDAR
(sneering)
I can imagine a lot of power.
Observe how I realise it.
GAYDAR makes another slash that DOCTOR WHAT barely blocks.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DOCKING BAY
FLOID, LUAKEL, KILNGIRL and CHEWY burst out and run up the Century Hawk’s
ramp, then pause and turn.
LUAKEL
Look!
GAYDAR and DOCTOR WHAT emerge from an entrance and continue fighting across the
floor, occasionally making acrobatic leaps. The spectators watch the fight,
entranced.
LUAKEL
Bruno!
DOCTOR WHAT turns to look, and nearly doesn’t manage to block one of GAYDAR’s
blows. The sexsword cuts off a chunk of his afro.
DOCTOR WHAT
(spinning around, to LUAKEL)
Go! Fly, you fools!
LUAKEL
Bruno!
GAYDAR brings down his sexsword one last time. DOCTOR WHAT turns to face him
with a serene expression, dropping his own sexsword and taking the blow. Just as
it lands, he vanishes, leaving his cloak behind.
LUAKEL
BRUNO!!!
GAYDAR
(staring at empty cloak)
What?!!
PORNTROOPERS rush in and begin firing at the Century Hawk. FLOID pulls LUAKEL
in.
FLOID
It’s too late for him now!
Come on!
They drag the sobbing LUAKEL in. The ramp goes up and the Century Hawk’s
engines flare, sending it hurtling up and toward the distant mouth-gate.
Swing around the corner to reveal a patch of empty space. Then:
DOCTOR WHAT reappears! He pulls the One Ring from his finger and puts it in his
pocket.
DOCTOR WHAT
(chuckles)
Bet he wasn’t expecting that.
Now all I have to do is find a way out of here.
And I must do it fast! No distractions!
Two muscular female PORNTROOPERS step past him. DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes follow
them.
FIRST FEMALE PORNTROOPER
I haven’t had any offers in weeks!
SECOND FEMALE PORNTROOPER
Me either! Just because I crushed ONE
man’s skull between my thighs…
DOCTOR WHAT
(to himself)
Now why do I find that strangely arousing…?
FIRST FEMALE PORNTROOPER
Honestly, it almost makes you want to…experiment…
She puts her hand on the other’s chin and gently lifts it.
SECOND FEMALE PORNTROOPER
(softly)
Me too…
DOCTOR WHAT
(to himself)
Okay…maybe TWO distractions…
(he leaps out into sight)
Ladies…!
EXT. – DEATH TSAR – SPACE
We see the Century Hawk flying away, pursued by Thai-fighters.
~~~
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
Everyone has crowded into the cockpit, not strapped in because of the rapidity
of their departure. We see green laser bolts from the pursuing Thai fighters zip
overhead; FLOID desperately twirls the yoke and dodges them, but throws everyone
onto the floor in the process.
KILNGIRL
(grumbling)
Where did you learn to drive,
Saudiarabia?!
LUAKEL
(ashen faced; to himself)
He’s gone. He’s really gone.
FLOID
Yeah yeah, boo hoo.
At least he got the tractor beams deactivated.
Chewy, we can’t outrun them.
LUAKEL
What about your Red Bull wings?!
CHEWY
Imps have tinkered with the ship,
old chap. It’ll take hours to warm up…
FLOID
Fine. I’m charging the guns.
(to LUAKEL)
You can shoot a laser cannon, can’t you?
LUAKEL
(startled)
I guess so…
FLOID
Then get to the bottom turret!
LUAKEL sets himself, nods, and follows FLOID out of the cockpit – leaving
CHEWY alone with KILNGIRL and the politicals. CHEWY casually uses the controls
to dodge more bolts from the Thai fighters.
KILNGIRL
So…how did you fall in
with that loser?
CHEWY
(reminiscing)
It’s a long story.
And it all goes blank
after the whipped cream incident…
KILNGIRL
(hastily)
Never mind.
EXT. – SPACE
The Death Tsar slowly recedes in the background, but two Thai fighters are
catching up to the Century Hawk, and keep firing.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – GUNPORTS
LUAKEL and FLOID each take one of the gunports.
FLOID
Stay sharp, kid!
LUAKEL stares at his Atari-type radar display.
LUAKEL
What do all these
Space Invaders graphics mean?
FLOID
They mean you’re making me feel old.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
A Thai fighter zooms overhead, heading for them.
CHEWY
My goodness!
KILNGIRL
Here they come!
A second Thai fighter approaches. They split, one going above and one below.
EXT. – SPACE
We follow one Thai fighter as it makes an unbelievably tight turn, the stars
wheeling overhead, and batters the Century Hawk with green laserfire.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – HALLWAY
C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2 grab each other for support as the lights dim and the
ship shudders.
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop razz!
C-LEO
(tired)
I’ve told you a thousand times,
it’s NOT a lifestyle choice!
…and besides, you were doing
the same to me!
PAULSPRING-D2
Razz.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – GUNPORTS
Thai fighters race past both the guns’ area of fire at high speed. LUAKEL and
FLOID fire; FLOID scores a slight graze on one fighter, which jounces slightly,
but LUAKEL misses completely.
LUAKEL
They’re coming in too fast!
FLOID
(through gritted teeth)
The Imps don’t use shielding or armour.
Makes ’em fast and manoeuvrable but
one good hit will take ’em out!
LUAKEL
(firing again, fruitlessly)
But I can’t hit them!
FLOID
You just need to lead them more.
Or we’re dead.
LUAKEL
(muttering to himself)
No pressure.
EXT. – SPACE
We see red laserbolts being fired from the turrets, but a Thai fighter overtakes
all of the bolts, which shoot into space behind it uselessly. The Thai fighter
pounds an area near the cockpit with laserfire.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
The lights dim and the ship shudders, more violently this time.
CHEWY
I say, shields are weakening!
KILNGIRL
(shouting to the rear)
You two deliver or I’ll rip your
futons off and beat you to death with them!
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – GUNPORTS
LUAKEL
Yes Your Royal Highness!
(to FLOID)
What is a futon, anyway?
FLOID
(shrugs)
God knows, but I want to keep mine,
whatever they are.
FLOID fires again but the bolt just barely misses.
FLOID
Dammit! They’re too manoeuvrable!
LUAKEL
What if we focus our fire on the same one?
FLOID
Nothing to lose.
Okay, the one with the singed bum.
LUAKEL
On it!
EXT. – SPACE
A Thai fighter dives at the Century Hawk, but suddenly the ship flips over so
both turrets can fire at it. A series of red bolts from FLOID’s turret lance
out – the Thai fighter easily dodges them by diving –
Straight into another series of bolts from LUAKEL’s turret.
The fighter explodes, spraying redhot silicone everywhere.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – GUNPORTS
LUAKEL
Yes!!
FLOID
Now the other one!
This time from their perspective, we see bolts from LUAKEL lance out towards the
second Thai fighter and make it dodge into a stream from FLOID’s gun. That
fighter blows up as well.
FLOID
Kicking arse, our speciality!
FLOID turns around and offers his hand to a surprised LUAKEL, who shakes it.
FLOID
Nice going, kid.
Maybe you ain’t such
a fanboy after all.
LUAKEL
Er thanks, I think…
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
KILNGIRL laughs in triumph and hugs CHEWY, who accepts it paternally.
KILNGIRL
We did it!
CHEWY
Good show!
(pause)
Er…so what is a futon anyway?
KILNGIRL
I think it’s a kind of Eccles cake.
CHEWY
I see…
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – HALLWAY
The two politicals are still raging in debate, having completely forgotten about
the battle outside.
C-LEO
Now look. That evidence is not
permissible because it was acquired
by a survey from a company connected
with the GOP!
PAULSPRING-D2
Razz razz.
C-LEO
Well yes, I suppose nearly all of them
are connected with the GOP in some
way, but that’s not the point!
PAULSPRING-D2
Boop beep.
C-LEO
(shaking his head)
That’s disgusting, and anatomically impossible.
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop.
C-LEO
What do you mean, just the sort of
thing I’d like?! Agh, this is not a
reasoned debate! I’m off to take
a vitriol bath!
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep beep?
C-LEO
Oh, if you must.
The two trundle away along the corridor.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – COMMAND ROOM
DAVE HOWERY
They’ve escaped?
GAYDAR
About to make the hyperlink jump.
DAVE HOWERY
(shaking his head)
This is a risk, Gaydar.
Are you sure they won’t
discover our homing beacon?
GAYDAR
Having studied their psychological
profiles, Grand Mod, I find it most unlikely they will.
EXT. – SPACE
We see the Century Hawk flying along, and now from this angle we see that there
is a giant washing machine sized cube stuck to the underside with gaffer tape,
projecting from which is a massive satellite dish that goes round and round with
loud beeping noises.
The Century Hawk’s engines flare and it dives into a hyperlink
~~~
EXT. – CENTURY HAWK – CYBERSPACE
The Century Hawk diving through a tunnel of whirling hyperlinks as before.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
KILNGIRL
We did it!
She hugs CHEWY, who looks embarrassed.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – HALLWAY
We see LUAKEL and FLOID looking at something offcamera. FLOID looks proud,
LUAKEL looks a bit green.
FLOID
That oughta hold that dodgy
circuit until we get there!
LUAKEL
I suppose so…
We pan around to see that FLOID has welded C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2 into the
sparking power conduit, and the electricity is now flowing through their
convulsing bodies.
C-LEO
(through gritted teeth)
Oh – oh – oh –oh – oh – my!
My – my – my sense of rhythm’s gone!
How will I – I – I properly form the
Ar – Ar – Aramaic sentence structure now?
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep – beep – beep – boop boop beep!
C-LEO
What do you mean – mean – mean, you find this strangely arousing?!
(pause)
Although now you come to mention it – it – it…
Camera angle goes back to LUAKEL and FLOID, who walk away. LUAKEL trudges along
and stares blankly ahead.
LUAKEL
(sighs)
That’s just the sort of the thing he’d say, too.
FLOID
What? You’re not still weeping over your
geriatric cunnilinguist friend, are you?
LUAKEL
He died thirteen minutes ago!!!
FLOID
Exactly. You gotta move on, kid.
The two walk out of the corridor and into –
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
As before. FLOID and LUAKEL take their seats. In the background we hear the loud
beeping noise from the massive satellite dish tracking device on the hull.
FLOID
(to KILNGIRL)
Some rescue, eh?
One for the textbooks…
KILNGIRL
Yeah, right under the heading
‘How Not To Do It’.
FLOID
We’re here aren’t we?
KILNGIRL
(suspiciously)
It was too easy…
There’s something not right here…
Long pause, then
KILNGIRL
(shouting)
Will someone turn down that incessant beeping noise?!
I’m trying to ponder whether we’re being tracked!
FLOID
(grins lopsidedly)
Nah, not this ship, sister.
FLOID pats the console affectionately and it falls completely to bits. CHEWY
lets out a long-suffering sigh, pulls out his screwdriver and begins to
reassemble it.
KILNGIRL
(half to herself)
At least the information
PaulSpring carries is still intact.
FLOID
What?
KILNGIRL
That’s the reason we’re doing all this.
That PaulSpring-D2 unit holds vital information!
I risked my life several times to keep it absolutely
safe – that data must not be damaged in any way!
FLOID
(sudden realisation)
Oh.
PAULSPRING-D2
(VO, shouting from outside)
BOOP – BOOP – BOOP – BEEP!!!
C-LEO
(VO, shouting from outside)
MASTER FLOID, THIS DELUDED
RIGHTWINGER SAYS HE’S FORGOT – GOT – GOTTEN
WHETHER HE’S FOR OR AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE!
FLOID
Ah.
KILNGIRL
(suspiciously)
What’s happening?
FLOID
Let’s say hypothetically this data was damaged…
Would I still get paid?
KILNGIRL
No.
FLOID
(decisively)
Right!
C’mon Chewy, let’s go and find another
way to fix those cables.
CHEWY grumbles and leaves with FLOID. LUAKEL and KILNGIRL exchange a glance.
LUAKEL
I can’t believe he’s gone…
KILNGIRL
Whaddaya on about?!
I’ve just lost everyone I ever loved
and my entire planet to that Death Tsar!!
LUAKEL
(mulls it over)
Yeah, I don’t really have
a leg to stand on, do I…
(sighs)
And that makes me even MORE depressed!
KILNGIRL rolls her eyes.
EXT. – SPACE – YERAVINALARF SYSTEM
The Century Hawk emerges from a hyperlink and speeds toward a lush moon,
Yeravinalarf IV, orbiting a massive gas giant planet. A bloated sun is visible
in the background.
EXT. – YERAVINALARF IV
The Century Hawk, now in the atmosphere, races over the endless jungles, until
we suddenly see something rising from the green masses. An artificial structure,
an ancient artificial structure…
It’s the Millennium Dome, in fact.
EXT. – DOME – DAY
The Century Hawk lands just outside the Dome and crowds of Rebel techs rush up
to the ship and begin helping them get out.
FLOID
Getcha hands off’f me!
ZZYVYA
(a tech)
You have the plans to the Death Tsar?
KILNGIRL
Yes, in my PaulSpring unit! Here!
The two politicals, now torched by the electricity and oozing thick black smoke,
totter down the ramp and land face first on the ground.
PAULSPRING-D2/C-LEO
(together)
Can’t we all just get along?
ZZYVYA
My word! He’s been in the wars!
FLOID
(avoiding KILNGIRL’s glare)
Uh, yeah! They were shot
when we escaped!
Ain’t that right, Chewy?
CHEWY
(looking pained)
I…I have certainly heard you
say that, Captain. Just now, in fact.
ZZYVYA
Come, you must meet General Paul.
They all get into an aircar and ZZYVYA begins driving it towards the Dome…then
stops, turns, and begins taking a ridiculously circuitous route to get there.
FLOID
Whaddaya doing?!
You’re wasting time!
ZZYVYA
No, this is the only way in.
Legend says this Temple to Pointlessness
was built by an ancient race known only
as the Wastaxpayersmonai. But they never
got around to building decent transport links…
May be why they went extinct.
FLOID
(snorting)
If I wanted a history lesson, I’d…uh…
KILNGIRL
(sweetly)
Star in an alternate history themed parody?
FLOID
(muttering)
That wasn’t in the script…
ZZYVYA finally finds a route and takes the aircar into the Dome.
INT. – MILLENNIUM DOME – DAY
The Dome is set up as a massive aircraft (or spacecraft) hangar with a
command position (computers etc) in the middle. The group gets out of the
aircar and walks to the central position, where they are met by GENERAL_PAUL.
GENERAL_PAUL
(wringing KILNGIRL’s hand)
Princess Kilngirl! Thank the Innuendo!
I thought you had perished with Canada!
KILNGIRL
(grimly)
It’s a fate that may meet all of us, sir,
unless we use the Death Tsar plans buried in
this PaulSpring unit to find a weakness and
launch an attack against it!
FLOID
WHAT?!!
(pause)
There are the plans to the Death Tsar in this thing?!!
I could have flogged ’em to the Imps for twice as
much as you’re paying me!!
The others ignore him. Suddenly ZZYVYA runs up, panting and holding a sheet of
paper.
ZZYVYA
Sir! The Death Tsar has just entered the system!
KILNGIRL
(spinning to glare at FLOID)
You! I knew we were being tracked!
FLOID
(shamelessly)
Can I help it if I’m so…attractive?
KILNGIRL mutters something obscene and turns back to GENERAL_PAUL.
KILNGIRL
We must launch our attack now!
It’s the last thing they’ll be expecting!
GENERAL_PAUL
No, the last thing they’ll be expecting
is for us to turn into Fascist Gerbils
and dance the quick-step.
And your plan makes about as much sense, Princess.
LUAKEL
Yeah, no disrespect, YHR, but
how are we supposed to find a
flaw so quickly?!
C-LEO
(still a bit shaky)
Excuse me, Master Luak, but the
Death Tsar was built by Halliburton…
GENERAL_PAUL
Well, that’s different.
Gentlemen! Let’s look at these plans!
EXT. – SPACE
The DEATH TSAR decants from cyberspace and begins ominously drifting towards
Yeravinalarf IV. The TSAR’s eyes are glowing again.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – COMMAND ROOM
GAYDAR and DAVE HOWERY are halfway through discussing something.
GAYDAR
And I say it’s better to reinforce the guskets!
DAVE HOWERY
Don’t be stupid, that’ll only lead to
the auxiliary sprangulators becoming
overflummified…
GAYDAR
Not if we use Hexylresourcinol-
The intercom beeps. DAVE HOWERY answers it with some relief.
DAVE HOWERY
What now?
FORTYSEVEN
(VO)
Sir, we’ve entered the Yeravinalarf System.
The Rebel base is identified as being on the
fourth moon. We will be within range in one hour.
DAVE HOWERY
(steepling his fingers)
Exxxxceelllent…
~~~
EXT. – SPACE
The Death Tsar rounds the planet and begins to close on the moon Yeravinalarf
IV.
INT. – DOME – WAR ROOM
In the centre of the Dome. Around them, the fighter hangars are visible. A
hologram is projected in the middle, with GENERAL PAUL gesturing to it. Seated
around him are our heroes and the assembled Rebel pilots.
GENERAL PAUL
We’ve analysed the plans.
The Death Tsar is heavily shielded
and has more firepower than a thousand
Thread Destroyers could put out in a year!
FLOID
Hey, that’s what I said…
KILNGIRL
(elbowing him in the ribs)
Shhh!
GENERAL PAUL
But, the defences are designed to repel
a capital ship attack. Our one-man fighters
might be able to penetrate them safely.
One of the flight leaders, WOZZA, raises his hand.
WOZZA
’Scuse me for asking, sir,
but what good will our fighters
be against that thing?!
GENERAL PAUL
The Empire doesn’t consider our
fighters to be any threat, that’s why
their defence is this way…
ZZYVYA
(stepping up beside GENERAL PAUL)
But they’re wrong.
Analysing the data from Princess Kilngirl’s
PaulSpring unit, we’ve found a weakness.
PAULSPRING-D2
(smugly)
Bleeble bleeble blazz!
C-LEO
That’s right, take all the credit for when it goes right,
but when it goes wrong, oh, it’s all my fault…
PAULSPRING-D2
(correcting him)
Blatt blatt bleep.
C-LEO
(sarcastically)
Oh, sorry, it’s the Clinton administration’s fault
and I’m just a sadly deluded bystander?
KILNGIRL
Shhh!
GENERAL PAUL waves a pointer and the hologram changes, zooming in on the Death
Tsar’s face.
GENERAL PAUL
It won’t be easy to get to, but we’ve found there’s a
thermal exhaust vent that leads to the main reactor.
ZZYVYA
Just here.
The hologram zooms in on the Death Tsar’s nose, then up the nostril, and
finally to the back of the nostril.
CROWD
Eeeeeewwww…
WOZZA
(looking sickened)
On second thoughts, how about we surrender?
GENERAL PAUL
(ignoring him)
The vent is shielded against all conventional weapons.
WOZZA
Then what are we using?
ZZYVYA gestures and the hologram changes again, showing a strange-looking
elongated missile weapon with a hammer and sickle painted on the front.
ZZYVYA
Our new breakthrough…
Lenin Torpedoes, deadly to the Death Tsar.
WOZZA/LUAKEL/PILOTS
Sweeeettt…
ZZYVYA
Even then, you’ll need a precise hit to
go down the shaft to the reactor.
GENERAL PAUL
Anything else will just hit the side of the shaft.
A young hotshot pilot sitting next to LUAKEL, HERMANUBIS, puts his hand up.
HERMANUBIS
(brashly)
That’s impossible! Even if we had a
level twelve political AI to do the targeting!
LUAKEL
It’s not impossible. Back on Arrakisimeantatooine,
I used to Nerf the Australians while driving past at
these sorts of speeds, and the Aussies aren’t much
bigger than this vent.
HERMANUBIS
Oh yeah? Well let’s see how you do
up there in a real ship, Urkel!
LUAKEL
(breath catching in throat)
You mean…
ZZYVYA
Yes, we need all the pilots we can get.
LUAKEL
(punches air)
Yess!! I get to die heroically!!
KILNGIRL
(shaking her head)
Typical man.
GENERAL PAUL
Good luck everyone, and may the Innuendo be with you always!
The group rises and moves towards the ships.
EXT. – SPACE
The Death Tsar is creeping ever closer to Yeravinalarf IV.
INT. – DEATH TSAR COMMAND ROOM
DAVE HOWERY and GAYDAR watch a Seventies Atari-type radar display showing a
little graphic of the Death Tsar heading towards the moon.
DAVE HOWERY
Maybe we shouldn’t have cut corners
on the computer design team…
GAYDAR
If I remember correctly, it wasn’t
their corners we cut…
The two grin evilly at each other.
DAVE HOWERY
All right. Is everything ready?
GAYDAR picks up a phone.
GAYDAR
Is everything-
INT. – DEATH TSAR – SUPERWEAPON CONTROL
As before, DRACONISNOIR and REDROVER are in their helmets punching absurdly
archaic control panels, while FORTYSEVEN is in the back, holding the phone.
GAYDAR
(phone voice)
-ready, Captain Fortyseven?
FORTYSEVEN
(turns to the helmeted pair)
Is everything ready?
DRACONISNOIR
Yessir!
REDROVER
(earnestly)
We’ve left all the safeties on, so we have
lots of things to engage one by one, and
the suspense should be great!
DRACONISNOIR
The suspense alone might kill the Rebels
before we can blow the moon up!
FORTYSEVEN shakes his head and rolls his eyes, then turns back to the phone.
FORTYSEVEN
Everything’s ready-
INT. – DEATH TSAR COMMAND ROOM
As before
FORTYSEVEN
(phone voice)
-my lord.
GAYDAR puts the phone down and turns to DAVE HOWERY.
GAYDAR
Everything’s ready, Grand Mod.
DAVE HOWERY
Good. This is a date which will live in infamy.
(pause, then in a sigh)
Though it’s still kind of an anticlimax
after destroying Canada…
(another pause)
Where’s that tape? I wanna watch it again…
GAYDAR sighs.
INT. – DOME – FIGHTER HANGARS
LUAKEL studies the fighters on offer with a faintly worried expression. There
are two types, the Sex-Wings, which are phallic-shaped pure fighters, and the
Bi-Wings, which are larger fighter-bombers and also have something that looks
roughly like female genitals and appears to be a bomb launching chute.
HERMANUBIS
Well?
LUAKEL
Umm, I’ll stick with a Sex-Wing
if it’s all the same to you.
HERMANUBIS
Good man, you’re on my flight.
Don’t screw up.
LUAKEL
(pointing at the Sex-Wing)
With that thing, how can I NOT screw up?
HERMANUBIS laughs, claps him on the back, and walks away. LUAKEL shakes his
head, then notices that FLOID and CHEWY are loading up the Century Hawk with
boxes.
LUAKEL
What are you doing?
FLOID
Got my reward.
Seventeen thousand quid, even if it is
in used custard – damn Rebels.
Still, at least I can pay off Santa now.
LUAKEL
So you’re just leaving?!
FLOID
This ain’t my war.
Nor is it yours.
Wanna come with us?
You were pretty good with that gun…
LUAKEL
(angrily)
What about you? You’re a good pilot!
We could use use here! We have to take that thing out!
FLOID
(snorting)
Not in my lifetime.
LUAKEL
(trying to be clever)
So you’re a coward?
FLOID
(his eyes hardening)
Don’t you dare.
Attacking that thing ain’t an act of
courage, it’s an act of bloody suicide!
LUAKEL
(sighing)
OK, Floid. See you.
Remember to look out for Number One.
Oh, I guess you don’t need reminding…
LUAKEL wanders away, looking depressed. FLOID stays halfway up the ramp, holding
a box of custard, his face flickering with conflicting emotions. Finally:
FLOID
Hey…kid…
May the Innuendo be with you!
LUAKEL pauses, breaks his step, smiles and carries on. Behind him, CHEWY comes
up to FLOID.
CHEWY
I say, do you really think-
FLOID
(cutting him off)
It’s nothing. C’mon, let’s get the
rest of this custard loaded.
We follow LUAKEL as he walks over to his Sex-Wing and begins getting it ready.
KILNGIRL and GENERAL PAUL stand nearby.
KILNGIRL
What’s wrong?
LUAKEL
It’s Floid! He’s just abandoning us!
I really thought he’d change his mind.
KILNGIRL
Knowing that typical man, I bet he’s just
pretending to leave so he can show up at
the last minute, save our asses and be the hero.
GENERAL PAUL
Yeah…
LUAKEL
That’s…
LUAKEL/GENERAL PAUL
A bloody good plan!
KILNGIRL
(shaking her head)
Typical men.
GENERAL PAUL and KILNGIRL leave. Two other pilots wander past, heading for their
own fighters – it’s CHINGO and CHUNKEY.
CHINGO
Luak! I don’t believe it!
What’re you doing here?
LUAKEL
I could say the same to you!
I thought you and Chunkey were
flying that freighter now!
CHUNKEY
Yeah, but we decided to ditch the
Janice Occlusive and come over to the Rebels!
CHINGO
Well given that the Rebels were boarding
us at the time, it wouldn’t have made much
sense to go over to the Empire…
CHUNKEY
(through gritted teeth)
ShutupChingo.
Another pilot, this one with the insignia of a team leader, shows up: it’s
BRIANP.
BRIANP
You’re Luak Slywanker?
You been checked out on a Sex-Wing?
CHUNKEY
Sir, I’ll vouch for him, he’s one
of the best pilots I’ve met.
BRIANP
(to LUAKEL)
I met your father when I was just a boy, Luak,
another story that was conveniently never featured
in the prequels. If you’ve got even half his leet skillzors,
you could save our bacon.
LUAKEL
Thank you, sir, I’ll try.
BRIANP hurries towards his own Sex-Wing.
CHINGO
Look, we’ve gotta get to our fighters.
We’ll have to swap stories after all this.
LUAKEL
(smiles)
Told you I’d be a fighter pilot someday, Chingo.
CHUNKEY
Yeah, we’re unstoppable.
OK, off we go.
They all go to their ships. LUAKEL gets into the cockpit of his Sex-Wing and
beginsm familiarising himself with the controls, many of which (especially
the levers) have rather disturbing designs. ZZYVYA comes up behind him and
begins hoisting PAULSPRING-D2 into the political socket near the back of the
Sex-Wing. C-LEO looks on anxiously.
ZZYVYA
You sure you don’t want a new
PaulSpring unit? This one’s been in the wars…
LUAKEL
Not on your nelly!
(pause)
We’d have to pay for more midget actors!
ZZYVYA
True.
PAULSPRING-D2
Blatt blatt bleep.
C-LEO
You will come back, won’t you?
You still haven’t responded to all
those statistics I posted about the
oil revenues from the GOP-controlled-
ZZYVYA gently leads C-LEO away and PAULSPRING-D2 lets out a relieved bleep.
We switch to a wide shot of the Dome, seeing the pilots and techs crawling all
over the fighters and getting everything ready. The cockpit canopies are lowered
into place. Two guys playing table tennis occasionally pause to use their bats
to direct the ships into place.
Focus on LUAKEL in his cockpit, wearing a rather alarmingly designed helmet and
with a grin on his face.
LUAKEL
This is it.
(sighs)
I wish old Bruno was here now…
INT. – DEATH TSAR – CORRIDOR
A door hisses open; from inside we hear a brief burst of feminine giggles.
DOCTOR WHAT exits, looking rather the worse for wear. His Kitjedi cloak is
ripped and his tongue is dangling limply.
DOCTOR WHAT
(lisping because of the limp tongue)
They nearly beat me! I’m out of practithe!
Thtill…I’ve thtill got it!
DOCTOR WHAT leans against the wall for a bit.
DOCTOR WHAT
Gotta go…gotta get out of here…
He wanders along the corridor, checking out the various doors, until he comes to
an oddly reinforced one with a sign on it saying "DO NOT OPEN UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES".
DOCTOR WHAT
How thtupid ith that?
DOCTOR WHAT turns the wheel and the door opens with a hiss. Focus on DOCTOR WHAT’s
face; we don’t see what lies beyond the door. A faint green glow illuminates
his face and he develops an expression of utter horror.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh…thit!
EXT. – YERAVINALARF IV
Flight after flight of fighters fly from the Dome, passing over the jungle
canopy and rising into the sky. There are twelve Sex-Wings and twelve Bi-wings
in all. The Century Hawk also rises from the Dome, but heads off in a different
direction.
INT. – DOME – WAR ROOM
KILNGIRL, GENERAL PAUL, ZZYVYA and C-LEO stand around the hologram, staring
worriedly at the red-coloured Death Tsar image. Green blips showing the fighters
appear, and murmurs begin to spread among the watchers as they head towards the
Death Tsar.
ZZYVYA
Death Tsar approaching.
Estimated time to firing range, fifteen minutes.
EXT. – SPACE
The Death Tsar slowly moves across the gas giant planet, casting Nicholas II’s
profile in shadow on the planet, and towards the moon Yeravinalarf IV. But now
we see the silver specks of the Sex- and Bi-wings rising up from the moon and
heading towards the Death Tsar.
We focus on the fighters, then go to-
INT. – BRIANP’S COCKPIT
BRIANP
Puce Leader here.
All wings report in!
(we go through the various cockpits as the pilots report in)
CHINGO
Puce Six standing by.
CHUNKEY
Puce Seven standing by.
HERMANUBIS
Puce Eight standing by.
LUAKEL
Puce…er… Pi?
standing by.
We go back to BRIANP’s cockpit and hear the unnamed pilots report in over the
radio.
BRIANP
Lock your Love-Globes
in attack position.
EXT. – SPACE
The group of Sex-Wings all do so; the two globes near the back of the fighters
slide down from a horizontal position to hanging below, exposing the torpedo
launchers.
INT. BRIANP’S COCKPIT
BRIANP
We’re passing through their magnetic field.
(staring at his instruments)
Holy crap! This thing’s so massive, I think
there’s an atmosphere clinging to the surface!
Hold tight, everyone!
EXT. – SPACE
The Sex-Wings approach the Death Tsar, and as they enter the atmosphere, they
begin being buffeted about.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL makes some minor adjustments and the ship steadies.
HERMANUBIS
(over radio)
Look at the size of that thing!
BRIANP
Cut the chatter, Puce Eight.
INT. – BRIANP’S COCKPIT
BRIANP
Here we go!
May the Innuendo be with us!
The Sex-Wings, with the Bi-wings behind them, plunge into the Death Tsar’s
right nostril.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – NOSTRIL
Looking from the inside out, we see a dark cavern with a large gap out into
space, and the silver fighters approaching into the cavern. We then pan across
the interior of the nostril – noting that the massive nose hairs everywhere
are actually laser cannon stations etc. – and then zoom in on one of them a
little way in. We keep zooming and zooming, illustrating the size of just one
nose hair – it’s the size of the Empire State Building – and then finally
we see a tiny door that’s been opened and light is spilling out from the
corridors within. There’s a silhouette standing in the doorway.
We zoom in yet further and find DOCTOR WHAT, staring in awe and disgust at the
interior of the nasal cavity.
DOCTOR WHAT
Maybe I thould find another way out…
FEMALE PORNTROOPERS
(VO, from inside)
Ohh Bruuunnooo...!
We’ve just thought of something new
to try with this fire extinguisher!
DOCTOR WHAT
On thecond thoughts,
what’s wrong with nothe hair?
He hastily shuts the door on them and walks to the edge of that level of the
Nose Hair, staring down and across.
DOCTOR WHAT
I am getting old.
Onthe upon a time, I wouldn’t have turned
another round of that down for the Board...
DOCTOR WHAT catches sight of the approaching fighters and stares, then wiggles a
hand mysteriously, using his Innuendo power.
DOCTOR WHAT
Luak…!
~~~
INT. – WOZZA’S COCKPIT
WOZZA is flying a Bi-Wing.
WOZZA
Puce Leader, this is Mauve Leader.
BRIANP
(over radio)
I copy, Mauve Leader.
WOZZA
We’re heading for the target now.
INT. – BRIANP’s COCKPIT
BRIANP looks from side to side, sees his wingmen in Sex-Wings, with two Bi-wings
behind them.
BRIANP
Stay sharp!
EXT. NOSTRIL – NOSE HAIR TOWER
We see DOCTOR WHAT, who is watching the fighters approaching, looking at his
watch, and then jumps off the tower.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL
Yessir! I’ll stay sharp, I won’t
miss a thing! In fact-
BRIANP
That’s enough, Puce Pi.
While they are talking, through the rear of LUAKEL’s canopy, we see DOCTOR
WHAT shoot past and land on the back of LUAKEL’s Sex-Wing, which jounces up
and down. LUAKEL frowns and stares at his dials.
LUAKEL
Damn turbulence.
EXT. – LUAKEL’S FIGHTER
DOCTOR WHAT is holding on for dear life to PAULSPRING-D2, his legs streaming out
behind him from the sheer speed of LUAKEL’s fighter.
PAULSPRING-D2
(indistinctly)
Beep beep razz!
DOCTOR WHAT
(through gritted teeth)
I don’t care WHAT I’ve put my hand on!
DOCTOR WHAT manages to grab another handhold on the fighter, and slowly begins
dragging himself towards the cockpit, hand over hand. Inside the cockpit, we see
LUAKEL, still blissfully unaware.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – COMMAND ROOM
DARTH GAYDAR walks up to DAVE HOWERY, who’s busy replaying the video of the
destruction of Canada (again…)
GAYDAR
Grand Mod, the Rebels are attacking us!
DAVE HOWERY
(not looking away from the video)
Hmm?
GAYDAR
Just two squadrons of fighters, but-
DAVE HOWERY
(absently)
Pitiful. Beneath our notice.
GAYDAR
But we’ve gone over the plans again
and we think this place may be vulnerable!
DAVE HOWERY
(finally looks away from the video)
NEVER! This battle station is INVINCIBLE!
GAYDAR
But…shouldn’t we try launching some
of our seventy-two hundred Thai fighters
to make absolutely sure?
DAVE HOWERY
I can’t be bothered.
(shrugs)
You want to fight ’em, you fight ’em.
GAYDAR looks angry. He turns away and strides across the command room to CHRIS
and WENDELL.
GAYDAR
Admiral Chris, at least power up the
defences in the Nostrils.
CHRIS
Er, does Grand Mod Howery
know about this-
GAYDAR is obviously about to snap his fingers.
WENDELL
(hastily)
We’ll get right on it, my lord.
GAYDAR
(coldly)
Good.
GAYDAR strides away from them and down a corridor. As he does, two Imperial
fighter pilots, DARKSLAVIK and DARKEST90, appear and fall into step behind him.
GAYDAR
(not looking at them)
Your timing is commendable.
Come, we shall kick their arses.
DARKEST90/DARKSLAVIK
Yes my lord!
EXT. – NOSTRIL
We focus on one NOSE HAIR, which suddenly powers up, glowing green, and laser
cannons begin emerging from turret housings. Then, one by one, the other NOSE
HAIRS power up. They begin shooting bolts of green laserfire at the Rebel
fighters – not very well aimed, but there’s an awful lot of them. We hear
shouts of alarm over the radio.
INT. – DOME – WAR ROOM
As before. KILNGIRL and GENERAL PAUL listen anxiously to the radio traffic.
HERMANUBIS
(over radio)
Heavy fire! Three o’clock!
LUAKEL
(over radio)
Well that’s okay, that’s not
for another one and a half hours…
BRIANP
(over radio)
Shut up, Puce Pi.
(to HERMANUBIS)
Stay low – there’s a channel of space there
not covered by any of the guns…
AN UNNAMED PILOT
I’m hit I’m hit I’m-
The transmission dissolves into static and KILNGIRL stares worriedly at GENERAL
PAUL.
EXT. – NOSTRIL
Some of the Sex-Wings pause and engage the Nose Hairs with lasers, blowing a few
of them up.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT / NOSE HAIR (cutting back and forth)
LUAKEL dives unwisely for one and begins blasting away with his lasers, at first
having little effect. The Nose Hair’s own turret begins ominously swinging
towards him and LUAKEL gulps. Behind him, through the back of his canopy, we can
see that DOCTOR WHAT has finally managed to crawl all the way up to the cockpit
and is just about to bang on it to get LUAKEL’s attention.
LUAKEL
(feverishly)
Come on, come on…
Finally he manages to fire a red laserbolt right down the barrel of the Nose
Hair turret, and the Hair explodes. LUAKEL lets out a scream of triumph and
terror as his Sex-Wing hurtles through the resulting fireball, but he comes out
the other side.
CHINGO
(over radio)
You okay, Luak – I mean, Puce Pi?
LUAKEL
I’m fine – just a little singed.
EXT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING
We see that DOCTOR WHAT has been blown back against PAULSPRING-D2 by the
fireball, ending up upside down, and must now make the crawl again. His clothes
and afro are on fire.
DOCTOR WHAT
(a furious grunt)
Speak for yourself!
He sighs and begins to climb up to the cockpit again.
EXT. – BRIANP’S SEX-WING
The fighter flies through a heavy hail of laser bolts, but comes out of the
other side only a little scorched thanks to BRIANP’s evasive manoeuvres.
INT. – BRIANP’S COCKPIT
BRIANP
That’s it, we’re through!
Time to make a run!
Several Sex-Wings form up and begin the run on the vent, which is just visible a
little way along, guarded by more Nose Hairs.
INT. – DOME – WAR ROOM
ZZYVYA studies the hologram with a frown, then hits the radio.
ZZYVYA
We’re detecting new signals –
three Imperial fighters heading for you.
INT. – BRIANP’S COCKPIT
BRIANP looks at his radar display and shakes his head.
BRIANP
I can’t see anything.
They must be jamming us…
(into the radio)
Keep your eyes sharp, men!
EXT. – NOSTRIL
Two Thai fighters emerge from hiding behind a NOSE HAIR and dive onto the
Sex-Wings. They single out one and chase it away from the others – it’s
CHINGO’s fighter.
INT. – CHINGO’S COCKPIT
CHINGO makes desperate evasive manoeuvres as, through the back of his cockpit,
we see the a Thai fighter on his tail, pouring green laserfire into his ship
from its fake breasts. This Thai is handling much better than the ones we saw
earlier, piloted by an elite pilot.
CHINGO
I’ve got one on my tail!
I can’t lose him!
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL
I’m coming, Chingo!
He twists the yoke in a tight turn that sends DOCTOR WHAT sprawling back to
PAULSPRING-D2 again.
EXT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING
PAULSPRING-D2
(muffled under DOCTOR WHAT)
Bzzp bzzp razz!
DOCTOR WHAT
(through gritted teeth)
I’m not exactly getting too fond
of this either, you know…
(pause)
Hey, my tongue’s recovered!
Now, about that fire extinguisher…
PAULSPRING-D2
Bzze Bzzorks! Bzze Bzzorks!!
LUAKEL’s fighter dives onto the Thai fighter pursuing CHINGO’s Sex-Wing.
LUAKEL rakes the Thai with red laserfire as the Thai rakes CHINGO’s fighter
with green laserfire.
INT. – THAI FIGHTER COCKPIT
We see DARKEST90, in a suit with oxygen mask, glance at his display and begin
juking and jinking to avoid LUAKEL’s fire, while still intent on CHINGO.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
Desperately, LUAKEL lets out a final spray of fire and catches DARKEST90’s
Thai fighter. The fighter spins off, damaged, behind a Nose Hair.
LUAKEL
Got him!
CHINGO
(over radio, relieved)
Thanks, Luak.
I’ll buy you a drink.
LUAKEL
But we’re both underage…
EXT. – NOSTRIL
The Sex-Wings race towards the vent, the Bi-Wings ahead of them.
INT. – DOME – WAR ROOM
WOZZA
(over radio)
We’re beginning our attack run.
Everyone in the room crosses their fingers.
INT. – NOSTRIL
Three Bi-Wings peel off and begin the dive toward the vent. Far above, from
behind a Nose Hair, we see three Thai fighters also appear and begin diving
toward the Bi-Wings. One of the fighters is the one LUAKEL winged earlier. That
and another one are both normal Thai fighters, but the third fighter is larger
and more heavily armed, with absurdly sized fake breasts, and is dressed as a
basketball player. We zoom in on that one’s cockpit to see DARTH GAYDAR in
there, not wearing anything other than his usual helmet and costume – no extra
flightsuit etc.
DARTH GAYDAR
So THAT is their plan.
We shall scupper it.
DARKSLAVIK/DARKEST90
(over radio)
Copy, my lord.
INT. – WOZZA’S COCKPIT
BRIANP
(over intercom)
Mauve Leader! There are
Imperial fighters diving on you!
WOZZA
Try and intercept them!
We can’t stop now!
(into radio)
Mauve Two, Mauve Three,
activate targeting computers!
WOZZA presses a button and a little Atari screen rises from his dashboard, with
a computer-graphics dartboard delineated on it. [/center]
EXT. – NOSTRIL
The three Bi-wings dive towards the vent. One of the Nose Hairs nearby lets rip.
Most of the laser bolts miss, but several converge on Mauve Two, which explodes.
INT. – WOZZA’S COCKPIT
MAUVE TWO
(over radio)
Aaargh!!!
WOZZA shakes his head grimly and stares at his targeting computer as concentric
circles slowly align over the dartboard.
WOZZA
Come on, come on…
EXT. – NOSTRIL
LUAKEL and HERMANUBIS pepper the Thai fighters with laserfire as they shoot
past, but they’re too fast.
HERMANUBIS
(over radio)
Dammit!
The Thais swoop down on the two remaining Bi-wings, and Mauve Three gets the
brunt of their fire. The Bi-Wing explodes.
INT. – WOZZA’S COCKPIT
MAUVE THREE
(over radio)
Aaaargh!
WOZZA
(desperately looking behind him)
Not like this!!
His targeting computer finally gets a lock.
JIM BOWEN’S VOICE
One hundred and eighty!
WOZZA
What? Oh, right…
He pulls the trigger.
EXT. – WOZZA’S FIGHTER
A Lenin torpedo erupts from the Bi-Wing’s torpedo launcher and heads toward
the vent, then dives into it.
INT. – WOZZA’S COCKPIT
WOZZA grins in triumph, then the scene is consumed in flame as GAYDAR’s Thai
fighter rakes him with laserfire from behind and his Bi-Wing explodes.
INT. – DOME – WAR ROOM
Everyone stares anxiously at the display. Then we hear:
BRIANP
(with a sigh)
Negative impact.
It hit the shaft side.
(voice almost tearing)
Captain Wozza died for nothing!!
KILNGIRL stares in horror and ennui at GENERAL PAUL and ZZYVYA.
INT. – NOSTRIL
The three Thai fighters rise from the blazing wreckage of the Bi-Wings and begin
dogfighting with the Sex-Wings. It’s obvious that the Imperials are better
trained.
INT. – DEATH TSAR COMMAND ROOM
CHRIS nervously goes up to DAVE HOWERY.
CHRIS
(hesitantly)
Grand Mod, we think the Rebels are
on the verge of a dangerous attack!
We should evacuate…
DAVE HOWERY
(scoffing)
Evacuate, Admiral, in our moment of triumph?
Tell it to the Rebels, not me!
DAVE HOWERY turns away from CHRIS and picks up his phone.
DAVE HOWERY
Status, Captain Fortyseven?
FORTYSEVEN
(over phone)
Five minutes to firing range.
EXT. – NOSTRIL
The Thais and Sex-Wings continue dogfighting.
INT. – BRIANP’S COCKPIT
BRIANP
(through gritted teeth)
All the Bi-Wings are gone!
(decisively)
I’ll have to make the run myself!
Cover me!
CHINGO/LUAKEL/CHUNKEY/HERMANUBIS
(over radio)
Copy, Puce Leader.
EXT. – NOSTRIL
BRIANP’s Sex-Wing peels off from the dogfight and makes a run for the vent.
The other Sex-Wings desperately try and hold off the Thais, but GAYDAR’s Thai
fighter manages to escape and go after BRIANP.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL
(bashing his dashboard)
Dammit!
Through the back of his canopy, we see that DOCTOR WHAT is still crawling up to
the cockpit.
EXT. – NOSTRIL
The two Thai fighters piloted by DARKSLAVIK and DARKEST90 pull off a tight turn,
avoiding fire from LUAKEL and CHINGO, and drop in behind CHUNKEY.
INT. – CHUNKEY’S COCKPIT
CHUNKEY stares at his display in horror as the two Thai fighters appear in his
rear canopy.
CHUNKEY
Help! I-
Green fire fills the screen.
EXT. – NOSTRIL
CHUNKEY’s burning fighter plunges into a Nose Hair, detonates and destroys the
Nose Hair as well.
INT. – DARKEST90’S COCKPIT
DARKEST90
(emotionlessly)
Target eliminated.
GAYDAR
(over radio)
Good. Now the others.
DARKEST90 nods and spins his yoke.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL stares in horror.
LUAKEL
…Chunkey?!
CHINGO
(over radio)
He’s gone!
HERMANUBIS
Snap up! They’re coming for us!
LUAKEL makes a hasty evasive manoeuvre that throws DOCTOR WHAT back another
couple of handholds.
EXT. – NOSTRIL
DARKEST90 and DARKSLAVIK turn and now drop in behind CHINGO, raking him with
fire, but CHINGO manoeuvres and dodges most of it.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
CHINGO
(over radio)
Help me! I can’t shake them!
LUAKEL
Coming!
(into radio)
Herman, we’ve got to try and get them!
HERMANUBIS
(over radio)
Okay – Chingo, go into a dive,
Thai fighters find that hard to match!
CHINGO
(over radio)
Okay!!
EXT. – NOSTRIL
CHINGO executes a dive into a canyon between Nose Hairs, the Thai fighters
following but not quite matching the angle of his descent. LUAKEL and HERMANUBIS
pursue the Thais, firing at them repeatedly. As we watch, their fire converges
and DARKSLAVIK’s Thai fighter vanishes in a silver fireball.
INT. – DARKEST90’S COCKPIT
DARKSLAVIK
(over radio)
Noooo…(static)
DARKEST90
Casualty. One.
GAYDAR
(over radio)
Acceptable.
Continue terminations.
DARKEST90 nods and pours more laserfire into CHINGO.
EXT. – CHINGO’S FIGHTER
We see something explode in CHINGO’s fighter and one of the engines starts
trailing burning fuel.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
CHINGO
(over radio)
I’m hit! I’m hit!!
HERMANUBIS
(over radio)
It’s not fatal!
But come on, let’s get him!
LUAKEL
(nodding)
Let’s kick arse!
EXT. – NOSTRIL
LUAKEL and HERMANUBIS fire again. DARKEST90 avoids their fire, which tracks him,
but he keeps dancing out of the way –
Straight into a laser blast from one of the Nose Hairs. His fighter explodes and
crashes into the next Nose Hair along.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL
Yesss!!!
HERMANUBIS
(over radio)
Friendly fire, hah.
(pause)
Er…Chingo…?
CHINGO’S fighter is still diving, trailing fuel.
INT. – CHINGO’S COCKPIT
The dashboard is sparking and CHINGO is desperately trying to reroute things.
CHINGO
Pilot controls not responding!
That hit must have-
HERMANUBIS
(over radio)
Then eject!
CHINGO
That’s gone too – I’ll have to – to –
LUAKEL
(over radio)
Chingo!!
EXT. – NOSTRIL
CHINGO’s fighter plunges into the canyon floor and detonates.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL
Noooo!!!
LUAKEL smashes his fist down on the dashboard, hitting a control that pops his
cockpit canopy. He can still breathe, as he’s in the Death Tsar atmosphere,
but the canopy flies back and hits DOCTOR WHAT on the nose, throwing him back
into PAULSPRING-D2 (again…)
Another Nose Hair fires at them, missing LUAKEL but hitting HERMANUBIS, whose
fighter spits sparks and wobbles a bit.
HERMANUBIS
(over radio)
I’m OK, but I’ve taken damage-
Now it’s all down to Captain BrianP-
EXT. – NOSTRIL, NEAR VENT
BRIANP’s Sex-Wing dives toward the vent, easily avoiding the fire from the
Nose Hairs, but GAYDAR is closing behind him.
INT. – GAYDAR’S COCKPIT
GAYDAR stares at an Atari-type targeting display that shows an awful graphic of
BRIANP’s Sex-Wing, not quite locked on. Then it beeps with a good lock and
GAYDAR pulls his triggers.
INT. – BRIANP’S COCKPIT
BRIANP has a fey, fatalistic expression on his face. He activates his targeting
computer and the little dartboard lines up perfectly.
JIM BOWEN’S VOICE
One hundred and eighty!
BRIANP pulls the trigger.
BRIANP
For the Rebellion-
We see green laserfire from GAYDAR behind rip BRIANP’s fighter to shreds.
EXT. – VENT
A Lenin torpedo flies from the wreckage of BRIANP’s fighter and plunges down
the shaft.
INT. – DOME – WAR ROOM
GENERAL PAUL
Well?!
HERMANUBIS
(over radio, sounding strained)
Another negative impact sir!
It hit the side of the shaft too!
The Rebels look at each other, ashen faced.
KILNGIRL
We’re doomed.
C-LEO
Hey, that’s my line!!
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL shakes his head decisively.
LUAKEL
Herman, I’ve got to make a run myself.
HERMANUBIS
Are you crazy?!
LUAKEL
I can do it!
HERMANUBIS
OK, but I’m coming with you.
LUAKEL
No. You took too much damage from that
Nose Hair, and you don’t have any torpedoes left.
HERMANUBIS
But Luak-
LUAKEL
(his voice tearing)
GO! I’ve already lost enough friends today!
HERMANUBIS
I…
(sighing)
OK.
EXT. – NOSTRIL
HERMANUBIS’ fighter peels off and heads back for the entrance to the NOSTRIL.
Meanwhile, GAYDAR’s fighter comes back up and heads for LUAKEL’s fighter. A
close up on that and we see DOCTOR WHAT staring at the fighter with recognition.
DOCTOR WHAT
Him again!
I might have known!
LUAKEL’s fighter dives for the vent, GAYDAR turning to intercept. DOCTOR WHAT
hands on for dear life.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL activates his targeting computer, then stares at it puzzledly.
LUAKEL
Something’s wrong…
Behind him, DOCTOR WHAT pulls out something from a pocket – a large conical
object labelled ‘Acme Spooky Sounding Megaphone’. He puts it to his lips and
speaks:
DOCTOR WHAT
(voice amplified, spooky and echoey)
Turn off your targeting computer, Luak.
LUAKEL looks around wildly.
LUAKEL
Bruno?!
DOCTOR WHAT
Trust me, Luak.
LUAKEL nods and switches off the targeting computer.
INT. – DOME – WAR ROOM
ZZYVYA
(into radio)
Puce Pi, telemetry indicates you’ve
switched off your targeting computer.
LUAKEL
(over radio)
Yeah! It’s set to score 180! But we’re
not trying to hit treble twenty, we’re trying
to hit the bull’s eye!
ZZYVYA
(sudden realisation)
Oh yeah.
GENERAL PAUL
So that’s why Wozza and BrianP failed…
KILNGIRL
But what will you use to target instead?
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL looks at a loss.
LUAKEL
Ummm…
DOCTOR WHAT
(through megaphone)
Use the Innuendo, Luak.
LUAKEL snaps his fingers. Behind him, DOCTOR WHAT gurgles, clutches his throat,
and falls off the fighter.
LUAKEL
Yes, that’s it!
Thanks Bruno!
(pause)
Bruno?
INT. – GAYDAR’S COCKPIT
GAYDAR locks his targeting computer onto LUAKEL’s Sex-Wing. He looks down onto
his dashboard to adjust something; as he does so, DOCTOR WHAT slams into the
front of his fighter, is briefly spreadeagled upside down across the windscreen,
and then slides back and hangs onto one of the fake breasts. GAYDAR looks up
sharply.
GAYDAR
Damn turbulence.
DOCTOR WHAT
(indistinctly, through gritted teeth)
Lk ftr lk sn…
GAYDAR’s Atari locks onto LUAKEL’s fighter.
GAYDAR
Now I have you!
GAYDAR pulls his triggers. Nothing happens.
GAYDAR
Huh??
EXT. – GAYDAR’S FIGHTER
DOCTOR WHAT has opened an access panel in the fake breasts and is brandishing a
sparking, severed cable in one hand and his sexsword in the other. The fake
breasts have gone dark – the lasers are offline. He smirks.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL shuts his eyes and pulls the trigger.
EXT. – NOSTRIL
LUAKEL’s fighter fires a Lenin torpedo and it shoots down the vent. LUAKEL’s
fighter makes a turn, but is confronted by GAYDAR.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
LUAKEL
Uh-oh…
INT. – GAYDAR’S COCKPIT
GAYDAR
I still have missiles!
Take tha-
Red sparks fill the cockpit.
EXT. – NOSTRIL
The Century Hawk! swoops past firing red laser bolts at GAYDAR’s fighter. It
isn’t destroyed, but takes a bad hit and spins off toward the entrance to the
Nostril. We see DOCTOR WHAT let go off the spinning fighter and, with expert
acrobatics, land on top of the Century Hawk.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID
(high fiving CHEWY)
Nice shooting!
CHEWY
Oh it was nothing, old chap.
There’s a thump as DOCTOR WHAT hits the hull.
FLOID
Damn turbulence.
INT. – LUAKEL’S COCKPIT
[center]LUAKEL
Yay! I knew you wouldn’t let me down!
FLOID
(over radio)
Umm yeah, this was what we planned all along!
Not, may I make it clear, did we just get the maps
the wrong way around and think this was the way to Colombia!
LUAKEL grins.
LUAKEL
Come on, let’s get out of here before-
Well, you know.
The Century Hawk and LUAKEL’s fighter shoot away from the vent and head
towards the entrance to the Nostril.
INT. – DEATH TSAR COMMAND ROOM
DAVE HOWERY
(into phone)
ETA?
FORTYSEVEN
(over phone)
Firing in ten. Nine. Eight.
INT. – DOCKING BAY OFFICE
FORTYSEVEN
(over stationwide PA system)
Seven. Six. Five. Four.
MRP picks himself up, rubbing the lump on his head.
MRP
Hey, I think it worked! I am more extroverted!
I feel like doing a striptease or something!
Now I can really start to enjoy life, starting now!
INT. – SUPERWEAPON CONTROL
FORTYSEVEN
Three. Two. One. Fire.
DRACONISNOIR and REDROVER push all their buttons.
INT. – DOME – WAR ROOM
Everyone looks even more anxious than before.
GENERAL PAUL
Well?!!
A pregnant pause, then-
ZZYVYA
DIRECT HIT!
EXT. – SPACE
Just as the Death Tsar’s eyes begin to illuminate, it EXPLODES in a terrific
wave of fire, the explosion forming the shape of a bust of Lenin. The Tsar
detonates piece by piece, each city-sized nail and tooth and hair erupting in
flames in a chain reaction. The Century Hawk, LUAKEL and HERMANUBIS’ fighters,
and GAYDAR’s damaged Thai fighter spin out of the explosion.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – COMMAND ROOM
CHRIS/WENDELL/DAVE HOWERY
Oh crap!
DAVE HOWERY
And I never even sent the insurance forms in!
Fire consumes them.
INT. – DEATH TSAR – DOCKING BAY OFFICE
MRP
(tuts)
No-one ever considers they’re wrecking
the lives of the little people, do they?
Fire consumes him.
INT. – DOME – WAR ROOM
The room erupts in cheers. KILNGIRL hugs a surprised C-LEO. GENERAL PAUL does a
crowd-dive, being hoisted across the room by the adoring Rebels. ZZYVYA pops
open a bottle of champagne, the cork hitting C-LEO’s head, bouncing off and
severing a crucial cable. The Dome creaks and begins to collapse.
GENERAL PAUL
Aw, no!
EXT. – SPACE
LUAKEL, HERMANUBIS and the CENTURY HAWK fly back towards Yeravinalarf IV, while
GAYDAR’s fighter slinks off in the other direction.
LUAKEL
We did it! We did it! We-
HERMANUBIS
Four Imperial Thread Destroyers
decanting from cyberspace.
LUAKEL
What?!!
HERMANUBIS
(laughs)
Well the Imps would be pretty stupid
if they just sent one battle station and
no backup, wouldn’t they?!
(into radio)
Have you guys finished evacuating?
EXT. – ON YERAVINALARF IV
The Rebels, somewhat worse for wear, are gathered outside the collapsed Dome.
GENERAL PAUL
What? – Er – yes!
Not that we’ve been glued to the hologram
watching your exploits or something…
HERMANUBIS
(over radio)
Then get out of here!
The Imps are coming!
GENERAL PAUL glances at the others.
GENERAL PAUL
Get to the ships. I’ll stay here and hold them off.
KILNGIRL
But-
GENERAL PAUL
Dammit woman! I have the right to a
dramatic death scene even if it’s off camera
and later turns out in a novel not to have happened anyway!!
KILNGIRL
(sighing sadly)
Typical man.
EXT. – SPACE
A time lapse. The four Thread Destroyers approach Yeravinalarf IV, with GAYDAR’s
fighter heading towards them for pickup. The Rebel fleet, mostly small
freighters and battered fighters, escapes from the other side of Yeravinalarf
IV. They enter cyberspace.
INT. – REBEL FLAGSHIP
A large room filled with Rebels. The windows show they’re still travelling
through cyberspace. LUAKEL, FLOID and CHEWY stand on podiums.
LUAKEL
Poor General Paul.
Still, at least we did it!
(jubilantly)
I killed a million people,
most of them just ordinary
folks trying to get by by
joining the Imperial military!
FLOID
Way to go, kid!
(to himself)
But I still wonder why one of
our escape pods is missing…
EXT. – SPACE, NEAR YERAVINALARF IV
Away from the Thread Destroyers, an escape pod drifts. We see, through the
little window, a cryogenically frozen DOCTOR WHAT giving us a frozen double
thumbs up with a cheesy grin. The pod drifts away.
INT. – REBEL FLAGSHIP
KILNGIRL goes up to the three, as the assembled Rebels watch, and hangs large
silvery medals around LUAKEL’s and FLOID’s necks.
CHEWY
I say, why don’t I get a medal?
KILNGIRL
Sorry, Chewy, but we only had two
AOL freebie CDs left.
CHEWY
Oh, very well.
A wide shot of the room, with the cheering Rebels and KILNGIRL smiling at the
three heroes, and then it shrinks down to a point and goes to black, as the
rousing theme song plays.
CREDITS
CREATED BY: Thande
VISUAL EFFECTS BY: Industrial Dark and Science
SOUNDTRACK: Slywanker Sound
NO AH.COMMERS WERE HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM, APART FROM THE ONES WHO
WERE.
OUR HEROES WILL RETURN, IN:
AH.COM WARS
Episode V:
THE EMPIRE KICKS ARSE
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