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AH.COM WARS Episode V: The Empire Kicks Arse
SFX. – BLACK SCREEN
A long time ago,
in an Internet far, far away
SFX – STARFIELD
As rousing music plays, the words
AH.COM
WARS
By
Tom Anderson
slowly retreat into the distance. Text begins to scroll from below:
EPISODE V:
THE EMPIRE KICKS ARSE
It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Tsar has
been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden
base on Yeravinalarf IV and have pursued them across the Board.
Evading the dreaded Imperial Grand Fleet, a group of freedom fighters led by
Luak Slywanker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of
Coldh.
The evil Lord Darth Gaydar, obsessed with finding young SLYWANKER,
has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space....
EXT. SPACE – INTERSTELLAR VOID
A majestic view of interstellar space, with no stars close enough to resolve as
disks. The black velvety reaches of space are sprinkled with the diamonds of
distant stars.
Then, the brief moment of tranquillity is shattered. An IMPERIAL THREAD
DESTROYER, the "QUOTING WIKIPEDIA", moves into view, its massive
arrowhead shape blotting out the stars. Its engines flare with icy blue
energies. The Quoting Wikipedia is joined by three other Thread Destroyers, the
"God Moding", the "Conspiracy Theorist" and the
"American Politics". The menacing fleet of Imperial ships drifts
through space together, an invincible armada bent on the total destruction of
the Rebellion.
And then they are blotted out by the shadow of a fifth, far greater ship. Jet
black and studded with unimaginable weaponry, it moves into view, its vast
engines flaring bloodred. It is is five times the size of the other Thread
Destroyers, (or twelve if you believe those obsessive fanboys) and the biggest
conventional starship ever created.
This is the personal flagship of Darth Gaydar, the "OVERCOMPENSATOR."
As we watch, all five ships are deploying small, silvery pods from their hangar
bays. The pods jet a little way away from their mother ships, then each orients
toward a different star and jumps into cyberspace, accelerating towards it. We
zoom into the bridge tower of the "Overcompensator", drifting through
the viewscreen to find:
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
Three officers, ADMIRAL MIDGARDMETAL, CAPTAIN DIAMOND and GENERAL THELONEAMIGO,
are studying telemetry on a vast display of many screens.
MIDGARDMETAL
(Evil Russian accent)
You are certain that these…devices will deliver?
The cost of industrial production was…considerable.
THELONEAMIGO
(Evil Aussie accent)
I will stake my reputation and career on it, Admiral.
DIAMOND
(Evil Californian accent)
I think you already have.
A pause, then all three Imperial officers look toward the back of the bridge,
where there is a large, igloo-like white pod sealed from the elements. On it is
a symbol, looking like a stylised Greek lambda in a radar dish. The officers
shiver.
EXT. – SPACE
Same scene as before. But now the camera focuses on one pod, apparently
identical to the others, as it orients on a star and dives into cyberspace. The
hyperlinks rotate around the pod for a moment, then vanish again and it exits
cyberspace, coming into another part of real space.
We see the star, now swollen up to the size of a sun as the pod has arrived at
its destination. And below the pod is a white sphere, a world frozen since time
immemorial. This is the ice planet of COLDH.
The pod engages its engines and begins to descend through the atmosphere, the
pod shell beginning to burn away from the heat of the atmospheric friction.
Something…stirs within, but we don’t quite see what it is…
EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH
We see a figure riding across the icy plains. The figure is wrapped in furs and
has an absurdly long, Tom Baker like scarf, which keeps getting tangled in the
legs of his mouth. Legs? Sorry, fins. The mount is, in fact, a giant PENGUIN.
We focus on this figure as he removes his goggles and the scarf over his mouth
to reveal this is, of course, LUAKEL. He’s older than when we last saw him, a
bit more hardworn, but still has some obvious youthful innocence left in his
eyes. As we watch, he pauses to take a swig from his hip-flask, then winces at
the bite of the taste.
LUAKEL
Yeuch!
I think my brandy got mixed up
with C-Leo’s oil again…
In the background, we see a redhot, disintegrating pod burn through the sky,
leaving a trail of smoke behind it, and finally come crashing to earth a few
miles behind LUAKEL. A loud explosion comes a brief moment later. LUAKEL whips
his head around and sees a column of smoke rising from the crash site.
LUAKEL
(muttering to himself)
Probably just a meteorite…
But I can’t afford to take the chance.
LUAKEL puts his hip-flask away and pulls out his mobile phone, dialling it.
LUAKEL
Floid One, this is Luakel One,
are you receiving me?
FLOID
(staticky)
Roger that.
(pause)
That’s not what I meant, Lt. Nelson!
LUAKEL
Err, fine.
(pause)
I got nothing in this sweep,
but a meteorite’s just come down.
Better check it out.
FLOID
Rather you than me, mate.
Floid One over and out.
LUAKEL switches his phone off, then shakes his head.
LUAKEL
We have GOT to get some
more imaginative callsigns.
LUAKEL gently pulls on the bridle attached to the GIANT PENGUIN’s beak, and
leads it closer to the crash site. The penguin follows, docile enough at first,
but then suddenly begins shaking its head violently and stops.
LUAKEL
(concerned)
What is it, Linus?
You smell something?
LUAKEL looks first one way, then another – as he does so, a giant shadow falls
on him. He whips around, and pales.
LUAKEL
Oh my God-
We hear a loud, yelping roar, and the sound of two flippers being clapped
together. The camera angle changes and we see what is menacing LUAKEL – a
giant, walrus-like being, twelve feet tall, with razor-edged flippers and tusks,
and madly glowing red eyes. A swastika is tattooed on its forehead.
LUAKEL
Sea Lion!!
LUAKEL grabs for his pistol, but one flipper blow from the SEA LION catapults
him into the air and he crashes to the ground, unconscious. Behind him, the SEA
LION grabs Linus the penguin and sinks his massive tusks into its neck. We hear
the penguin’s terrified squawks abruptly cut short as its neck snaps. The SEA
LION sucks all the blood from the penguin, leaving it as a dead husk on the
snow, and then grabs LUAKEL by one ankle and drags him away…for afters.
EXT. – COLDH – REBEL BASE ENTRANCE
The Rebel base is disguised with the finest maskirovka, each piece cleverly
designed to resemble snow or ice. The defence weapon towers look like icicles or
rock formations, the entrance looks like a cave. The effect is slightly spoiled
by a giant neon sign directly above it which reads "SECRET REBEL BASE
ENTRANCE: DON’T TELL ANYONE!!"
Another fur-clad figure riding on a giant penguin hops up to the entrance. The
figure stares at the sign, shakes his head and hops on, into the base.
INT. – COLDH – REBEL BASE
The base is reminiscent of the one in the Millennium Dome on Yeravinalarf IV:
the spacecraft hangars abut directly onto the central command/war room area. The
base is frenetic with activity: all around, freighters are being offloaded. It
is obvious that the Rebels have only just moved into this base.
The penguin rider we saw before hops into one hangar and takes off his goggles
and balaclava to reveal he is FLOID. He gets off the penguin, hands it over to
an ostler and walks up to the "Century Hawk" where it sits in the
middle of the bay. The old freighter looks even more battered than when we saw
it last. FLOID’s copilot, CHEWY, is hanging from the bottom of the ship by
means of ropes and is currently fiddling with an open panel with a screwdriver.
As we watch, sparks fly from the panel and CHEWY curses in Bengali.
FLOID
Hi, Chewy. I’ll come and
give you a hand in a moment.
CHEWY
(grumbling)
It’s either that, old chap,
or I’ll take a whole arm.
FLOID walks away and goes up to the command centre, where the commanding
officer, GENERAL WARD, sits. WARD is a hardbitten old veteran who is surrounded
by underlings and control screens, and is continuously barking orders. There are
also some officers still clad in their furs and goggles, just come in from
outside. As FLOID comes up, WARD dismisses most of them and turns to him.
WARD
(a bit disapproving)
Captain Floid.
FLOID
(a bit sarcastic)
Sir.
WARD
Hmmf.
Any signs of life out there?
FLOID
Nossir, nothing beyond the
indigenous stuff.
Seems this is a perfect base,
apart from the obvious…
WARD
Bah! You call this chilly?
In the Porn Wars we had to
camp on Frizyertonkerov XI,
and the tents never even arrived
until the last month of the campaign!
FLOID
(with a sigh)
Yes, sir.
WARD
Where’s Commander Slywanker?
FLOID
He’s checking out a meteorite.
WARD
Hmf, damn whippersnapper.
Still thinks this is all some adventure.
That boy had better get his head out of his ass.
FLOID
(has a lot on his mind)
Er, yessir.
(suddenly)
Sir, I can’t stay here any longer.
WARD quirks an eyebrow at FLOID. In the background, we see one of the fur-clad
officers remove his – her – goggles and stare at FLOID in distress. It’s
KILNGIRL, but no more the spoiled Princess: three years of life on the run has
made her into a coldblooded killing machine, er, or more of one than before  But
she can still be hurt, and now this seems to be happening.
WARD
I’m…sorry to hear that.
WARD sounds like he’s not quite sure whether he’s being sarcastic or serious
about that.
FLOID
I have a price on my head.
If I don’t pay off Santa the Fatt,
I’m a dead man.
WARD
Hmmf, I suppose you are
something of a liability…
(then, as though it requires great effort)
Still, Floid, you’re a damn good
fighter when you choose to be.
Sorry to lose you.
FLOID
(surprised)
Thank you, sir.
FLOID turns away from WARD as WARD goes back to shouting at his massed
underlings. FLOID comes face to face with a shocked, angry-looking KILNGIRL.
FLOID
Well, your Supreme Majesty,
I guess this is…it.
KILNGIRL
(coldly)
And the first I’ve heard of it.
FLOID
Sure, well, uh…you know.
They stare into each others’ eyes for a long moment, then-
FLOID
Sorry to burst your bubble, Princess.
But this bird ain’t going to be caged.
KILNGIRL
(a bit sadly)
Oh, typical man.
She turns and strides away defiantly. FLOID shakes his head and goes into a
nearby corridor.
Then KILNGIRL stops, pauses, shakes her own head angrily, and goes after FLOID
into the corridor.
INT. – BASE – CORRIDOR
KILNGIRL catches up to FLOID. Plenty of Rebels are coming the other way, usually
holding enormous and implausible objects, like sets of golf clubs, inflatable
bananas and a full-scale copy of ‘Guernica’.
KILNGIRL
Floid…
(her anger cools)
I thought you were staying.
FLOID
(a bit embarrassed)
Yeah, well, that bounty hunter
on Ord Nancesurvey changed my mind.
KILNGIRL
(plaintively)
Floid, we need you!
FLOID hesitates, turns and confronts her. In the background, two Rebels with a
life-size Velociraptor statue try to negotiate the corridor.
FLOID
(softly)
We, Princess?
Or you?
KILNGIRL
(defensively)
I don’t know what you mean.
FLOID
Sure, Princess.
(laughs)
I’m a fair pilot and I have
underworld contacts. So what?
You’ve got a dozen people with that.
KILNGIRL
But-
FLOID
So what’s that leave?
Only…your feelings for me.
KILNGIRL
(drawing back)
Eurgh!
Typical man!
I was going to say, we need
you for your really good
Emperor impression for the
propaganda leaflets!
FLOID
(laughing)
Sure, Princess.
How about a goodbye kiss?
KILNGIRL
I’d sooner kiss your Bangladeshi!
She stumps away. In the background, CHEWY comes up to FLOID; his business suit
is soiled with engine oil from working on the Century Hawk.
CHEWY
(tutting)
I say, isn’t that a bit racist?
FLOID
Sure. Tell you what, Chewy,
we’ll report her to the Commission
on the way out.
The two old friends grin at each other, slap each other on the back, and walk
off towards the Century Hawk. In the background, two Rebels carrying
Michaelangelo’s David statues crash into a wall.
INT. – BASE – HANGAR
The Century Hawk, as before. Two figures, the politicals C-LEO and
PAULSPRING-D2, emerge from one corridor and trundle towards the freighter. The
politicals, like everyone else, look more battered than when we last saw them.
C-LEO
(grumbling)
I don’t see how you can say that.
PAULSPRING-D2
Blatt bleeble blatt!
C-LEO
What do you mean, we should
have subcontracted our base
building contract to those
suppliers from Uae? That’s an
Imperial world!
PAULSPRING-D2
Blee blarble.
C-LEO
(tuts)
The free market does NOT
ensure it will all come out right
in the end!
CHEWY and FLOID emerge from another corridor and reach the ship.
CHEWY
And then I detached the isomeric
nephelauxeticator…
FLOID
(tutting)
But I wanted to be away from here asap!
It’ll take half an hour to put that back!
CHEWY
(grumbling)
Well, you could have told ME first, old chap.
FLOID
Yeah…sorry, mate. My fault.
C-LEO
I say! Master Floid!
FLOID
(sighing)
Yes?
C-LEO
Princess Kilngirl has been
attempting to contact you.
FLOID
Yeah, I know. Tell her-
C-LEO
It’s about Master Luak!
FLOID
What?
C-LEO
He hasn’t come back yet.
FLOID
(muttering)
He said it wouldn’t take long…
FLOID looks out of the hangar door, obviously sizing up the icy plains as the
shadow of night slowly closes over the land.
FLOID
(to himself)
I really ought to get that Hero Complex
of mine cured one of these days…
FLOID goes up to an ostler, gets his Penguin back, and with a muffled swearword,
hops out into the night.
~~~
EXT. – COLDH – ICE GORGE
It’s dusk. LUAKEL is hanging from the ceiling, tied up with what appears to be
a series of Nazi armbands knotted together into a makeshift rope. One side of
his face is covered in slowly drying blood from where the Sea Lion hit him with
its razor sharp flipper.
A terrible keening groan echoes around the gorge: the Sea Lion is hungry again.
LUAKEL’s eyes snap open and fill with fear. He pulls himself up and tries to
undo the knots tying him to two stalactices on the ceiling, but they’re too
tight. Exhausted, he flops back down – and notices something silvery far below
him.
His father’s Sexsword, fallen out of his pocket and embedded in the snow.
We hear the Sea Lion slowly lolloping toward LUAKEL. He desperately reaches out
his arm as far as it will go, but of course can’t get anywhere near. Then he
closes his eyes and mutters to himself, summoning up all his strength…
Just as the Sea Lion reaches him, the Sexsword flies up into the air and into
LUAKEL’s hand. As it touches him, a brilliant pink line of energy flops out of
the end, then becomes rigid as he concentrates.
LUAKEL
(jubilantly)
I did it!!
The Innuendo is with me at last!
LUAKEL quickly waves his blade and cuts through the Nazi armbands. He falls to
the floor, turning over and over and slashing at the enraged Sea Lion as he does
so. He lands on his feet and faces the Sea Lion, which now has a noughts and
crosses / tic tac toe game slashed onto its chest.
SEA LION
Wraaaiiighhh!
LUAKEL
Take this!
LUAKEL slashes again and rips off one of the Sea Lion’s flippers. Staring at
the gushing stump in surprise and fear, the Sea Lion hoots again and lollops off
deeper into the cavern.
LUAKEL is left there, weakened, leaning on his Sexsword. A half-triumphant,
half-troubled expression crosses his face.
LUAKEL
That felt…good.
He slowly wanders towards the entrance to the cavern. As he does, we see that
his pink sexsword blade has begun to flicker with little traces of green…
EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH
It is now night. FLOID, wrapped up and riding a penguin, slowly hops up a ridge.
FLOID
(through gritted teeth)
One more ridge and then I’m
leaving him for dead…
The scream of the Sea Lion resounds throughout the sky, followed by the hum of a
Sexsword.
FLOID
What?
I’d know that sound anywhere!
FLOID pulls on the reins of his penguin.
FLOID
Up, Frobisher! Let’s go
rescue the kid, and stuff.
FLOID gallops towards the cavern.
INT. – REBEL BASE
KILNGIRL, CHEWY and the two politicals are talking to GENERAL WARD. KILNGIRL and
CHEWY are still shooting dirty looks at each other.
KILNGIRL
But, General-
WARD
(hard voice)
But me no buts, little girl.
I ain’t risking the rest of us
over two men, especially
when one of them claims to
be leaving us.
CHEWY
I say! I-
WARD
No more talk.
The shield doors are closed
for tonight.
WARD hits a button on a console and giant shield doors close over all the base
entrances. WARD turns and walks away from them without another word.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep bleeble…
C-LEO
Oh my! PaulSpring says the
odds of survival are 500 to one!
(reassuringly)
But then PaulSpring has no
understanding of statistics, of course-
PAULSPRING-D2
Blaat bleeple.
C-LEO
But he says Master Luak is
most resourceful, for a deluded
leftie that is – hold on!!
KILNGIRL turns away from the feuding politicals and is obviously struggling to
hold back tears. CHEWY glares at her for a moment, then shrugs and lets her cry
on his shoulder.
KILNGIRL
(surprised)
You’re very…absorbent.
CHEWY
(shrugs)
Civil service suit. Designed to
absorb any number of leaks from next door.
KILNGIRL
Chewy…I’m sorry for what
I said earlier. I was just trying
to get back at Floid.
CHEWY
(sighing)
Oh, all right.
(he looks at the blank shield doors)
But trust me, if anyone can survive
this sort of unpleasantness, it’s Floid.
EXT. – PLAINS OF COLDH
Night. Floid is unfolding an enormous map and squinting at it.
FLOID
Oh, hold on, this is a map of
Stalingrad in 1942…
(pause)
And I was holding it upside down.
FLOID sighs and turns the weary Frobisher another direction.
EXT. – OUTSIDE THE CAVERN
LUAKEL falls to his knees. He drags himself along for a little longer, but it’s
obvious he won’t last long in the cold. Presently he collapses and lies there,
barely conscious.
FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
Luak…
LUAKEL looks up and gasps. Standing before him is DOCTOR WHAT, but translucent
and outlined in blue.
LUAKEL
Bruno?
DOCTOR WHAT
Luak, you must go to the
Gay-o-Bar System.
LUAKEL
Gay-o-Bar System…
DOCTOR WHAT
There you will learn from the
Kitjedi Master who taught the
Kitjedi Master who taught the
Kitjedi Master who taught me.
LUAKEL
What?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
No, it’s true! He taught
Count Dearborn, who taught
Si-On Ewig, who taught me!
LUAKEL
But it’s a bit convoluted, isn’t it?
If I were you, I’d just say ‘the
Kitjedi Master who taught me’.
DOCTOR WHAT
But that wouldn’t be true!
LUAKEL
So?
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Fine, YOU deal with the fanboys.
(puts on his ghostly voice again)
Luak, you will learn from the
Kitjedi Master who taught me.
LUAKEL
(nodding)
Better.
The shade of DOCTOR WHAT vanishes. Through it, LUAKEL spots FLOID approaching on
a penguin.
LUAKEL
(slowly)
Bruno…?
He collapses again. We see FLOID hurry up to LUAKEL and begin examining him. The
camera pulls back around to find, hidden behind an ice drift, the SEA LION from
before. But in its one remaining flipper, it is holding a large remote control.
SEA LION
(muffled voice)
Good. Hologram worked fine.
The SEA LION’s head pops off to reveal it is in fact just an animatronic suit,
and within is the real DOCTOR WHAT – looking a little pasty from his time in
cryogenic suspension.
DOCTOR WHAT
The plan moves forward.
We go back to our original camera angle and focus on FLOID and LUAKEL.
FLOID
Luak!
Don’t die on me, Luak!
LUAKEL wakes up and stares at FLOID woozily.
LUAKEL
(weakly)
Floid…?
FLOID
(reassuringly)
Don’t worry, Luak.
We’ll stay warm until the day.
LUAKEL
How…?
Are you going to cut open your
penguin and put me inside its carcass?
FLOID
(shaking his head)
Geez, you have some weird sexual fantasies.
FLOID pulls out a yellow pill and begins chewing it.
FLOID
This is the future, for crying out loud!
FLOID spits out the pill; as it hits the ground, it inflates into an enormous
bouncy castle/tent.
FLOID
With full central heating!
Come on!
FLOID drags LUAKEL into the welcoming tent, Frobisher hopping along behind them.
EXT. – REBEL BASE ENTRANCE
It is now dawn. The hangar shield doors ratchet up and four SMOKEWEEDERS –
lightweight fighters shaped like statues of Straha smoking a joint, which
levitate along in a leisurely drift – shoot out and into the sky.
We note that the sign above the main entrance has been altered by graffiti: it
now reads [i]"THIS IS NOT THE[/I ]SECRET REBEL BASE ENTRANCE: DON’T
TELL ANYONE!!"
INT. – REBEL BASE – HANGAR
We see the figures of KILNGIRL, CHEWY, WARD and the politicals as they watch the
Smokeweeders fly away.
WARD
They’ll find ’em.
KILNGIRL
(angrily)
Or their bodies.
WARD
(shrugs)
It was them, or all of us, Princess.
I make no apologies.
EXT. – SKIES OF COLDH
We focus on one Smokeweeder as it cruises over the landscape. Fumes are expelled
from the joint. Zoom in on the ‘head’ and we see that the cockpit is housed
there…
INT. – SMOKEWEEDER
This Smokeweeder is piloted by MERRYPRANKSTER, who is (oddly) wearing red
makeup that forms the numeral 4 on each cheek. He watches the various radar
displays, then frowns as he sees an unexpected blip. He pulls a lever and the
Smokeweeder drifts towards it. Then he spots the bouncy castle, and sees LUAKEL
and FLOID standing outside it, waving at him.
MERRYPRANKSTER
(into radio)
Base, this is Rouge Four!
They’re all a-ok!
INT. – REBEL BASE
Cheers all around from the personnel as MERRYPRANKSTER’s message comes
through. WARD smirks at KILNGIRL, who turns away, but she is too relieved to be
angry.
EXT. – REBEL BASE
The Smokeweeders fly back home, one with two passengers.
INT. – REBEL BASE – MEDICAL BAY
LUAKEL is operated on by TORQUMADA and two medical politicals, while KILNGIRL,
FLOID and CHEWY look on anxiously. We see a montage of images, culminating with
LUAKEL drifting in a tank of translucent blue liquid.
LUAKEL
(to himself)
Mmmmm…
FLOID
(to TORQUMADA)
How exactly does suspending
him in raspberry Slush Puppy help?
TORQUMADA
It doesn’t, but I had a lot of surplus
after that deal of Ward’s fell through…
Finally LUAKEL is pulled out of the tank and we see him waking up on a bed,
surrounded by the others. His face has partly recovers but he still has several
quite severe scars.
LUAKEL
Yay…
FLOID
(grinning)
Nice going, short stuff.
LUAKEL
Thanks…
FLOID turns to KILNGIRL and offers her a smirk.
FLOID
Well, Princess, you managed to keep
me around a little longer.
I heard about the ban on offworld traffic.
KILNGIRL’s expression of reluctant gratitude turns to anger.
KILNGIRL
You know that’s just General Ward
interdicting the system to keep the
Imps off our track!
FLOID
(winking)
Sure, Princess, sure.
I know it’s just about you not being
able to let my awe-inspiring looks out
of sight for too long...
KILNGIRL angrily turns away, goes to LUAKEL, and smiles at him, which LUAKEL
returns. She kisses him briefly and then walks away, not looking at FLOID, who
looks slightly jealous.
FLOID
What was that all about?
LUAKEL
(frowning)
Not sure, but I think I felt a great disturbance in the Board.
Like…thousands of viewers who’ve already seen Episode VI
all crying out for… "the forks"??
FLOID
(slapping him gently on the back)
Yeah, sure, kid.
Don’t take that Innuendo stuff too seriously.
Suddenly the intercom system comes on.
WARD’S VOICE
All senior personnel report to the command room.
FLOID
Sorry, kiddo.
Gotta go.
FLOID and CHEWY leave. LUAKEL lies on the bed for a moment, then shrugs and
picks up a Sudoku book.
INT. – BASE – COMMAND CENTRE
WARD is staring at a giant holographic display of the planet. A radar blip is
flashing on one part of the world, a few dozen miles from the base. FLOID and
KILNGIRL come in as we watch, avoiding each others’ gazes.
WARD
It seems we have a Guest.
It reads as metallic.
FLOID
One of our crashed Smokeweeders?
HERMANUBIS turns around. He has red makeup on his cheeks forming the number 2.
HERMANUBIS
(shaking his head)
There weren’t any lost
near those coordinates.
WARD
We’ve got a very faint signal coming from it.
A long stream of mechanical gibberish comes from the speakers.
C-LEO
Oh my!
That’s the uninflected form of
Sumerian cuneiform, but encrypted
in the Linear B script!
FLOID
Well?
C-LEO
Imperial Intelligence uses it as a code!
FLOID
Okay, so they aren’t friendly.
WARD
(grinning)
And we know how to deal with that.
(to HERMANUBIS)
Rouge Two, you and Rouge Four go
and check this out.
HERMANUBIS
Yessir.
FLOID
We’ll tag along.
I don’t like this.
EXT. – REBEL BASE
Two Smokeweeders fly out and into the sky.
EXT. – PLAINS OF COLDH
We see the remains of the pod from before lying in a smoking crater. As we
watch, the last remnants fall away to reveal what was concealed within: a
silvery, metallic GOOGLE SPIDER!
About ten feet tall and twenty across, the SPIDER skitters over the snow and
occasionally pauses to take a reading with the sensors on its mandibles. It
finds a Rebel sensor station – disguised as a snowman – and zaps it with an
energy bolt, melting it.
Then it skitters over another snow hill and spots something in the distance –a
suspiciously regular set of snow dunes.
We go to the Spider’s point of view – its vision is in shades of green, with
the Google logo stamped in one corner – and see it zoom in, studying the dunes
in more detail. It rotates through a little menu of infrared, ultraviolet,
terahertz, X-ray etc., with the colour shades of the view changing – finally
it finds a frequency which cuts through the snow…
The dunes conceal what are obviously power plants.
The Spider opens a hatch in its abdomen and a large radar-type dish comes out.
The dish rotates for a moment, then fixes on a particular point in the sky. The
Spider beeps and begins pulsing out information.
Suddenly, a series of energy bolts come down from the sky and hit the Spider,
which immediately detonates in a ball of smoke. The Smokeweeder responsible
races past, disturbing the smoke and the flying wreckage.
INT. – SMOKEWEEDER
This one is occupied by FLOID and HERMANUBIS.
FLOID
I didn’t think I hit it that hard.
HERMANUBIS
(grimly)
You didn’t.
Google Spiders are programmed to
self-destruct if anyone attacks them –
it’s to protect the source code at all costs.
FLOID
What was it doing?
HERMANUBIS
Beaming out information back to its mothership.
FLOID
Crap.
HERMANUBIS
Exactly.
INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND AREA
WARD is listening on the radio.
WARD
Dammit!
Well, I’ll begin the evacuation.
(to himself)
And I only just got my slide projector
set up just the way I like it!
In the background, various Rebel officers pause and theatrically wipe their
brows in relief.
EXT. – SPACE – IMPERIAL FLEET
The Overcompensator and the other four Thread Destroyers drift through space,
still spewing Google Spider pods.
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
MIDGARDMETAL and THELONEAMIGO are conferring at the front of the bridge. DIAMOND
walks over from the telemetry screens and hurries up to the two senior officers.
DIAMOND
Admiral Midgardmetal, sir.
MIDGARDMETAL
Yes, Captain Diamond?
DIAMOND
We think we’ve got something, sir.
Just a fragment from one Google Spider
in the Coldh system, but it’s the best lead so far…
THELONEAMIGO
(making ‘yes’ gesture)
Yes!! Told you so!!
MIDGARDMETAL
Bah! I want proof, not leads!
We have thousands of Google Spiders
searching the entire galaxy!
DIAMOND
But this telemetry indicates
human life readings, sir.
MIDGARDMETAL
(shrugs)
And?
If I were to follow up every lead…
DIAMOND
But the Coldh system is supposed
to be uninhabited, sir.
Behind them, the giant pod with a lambda on suddenly hisses and creaks open. The
three turn, fear on their faces, as DARTH GAYDAR emerges, with a cloud of white
fumes, from the pod. GAYDAR casually snaps his fingers a few times as he strides
up to them; various underlings clutch their snapped necks and fall backward over
the railing to the bridge level below.
GAYDAR
You have found something?
DIAMOND
Yes, my lord.
DIAMOND activates a screen that brings up a view of the Google Spider telemetry
we saw earlier, showing the snow dunes/power generators.
GAYDAR
Interesting…
MIDGARDMETAL
Sir, there are so many unmapped systems.
This could be pirates, or smugglers, or-
GAYDAR
Silence.
The Innuendo tells me this is the system.
We shall crush the Rebels and, more importantly,
find Slywanker.
(he turns to THELONEAMIGO)
General TheLoneAmigo, prepare your forces for battle.
GAYDAR strides away, killing a few more ensigns as he passes. DIAMOND and
THELONEAMIGO smirk at the fuming MIDGARDMETAL.
~~~
INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND ROOM
Rebels are packing up the crates that were unpacked only hours ago. In the
background, we see all the Rebels who were holding enormous unlikely objects,
reloading them back into transports again. Morale is not high and people are
grumbling at having to move on again so soon. However, WARD is overseeing the
whole thing with a glare, and no-one dares say anything to his face.
WARD turns to the assembled pilots, including a still pale and scarred but
otherwise recovered LUAKEL.
WARD
Long range sensors show
one hell of an Imperial fleet
heading this way.
(pause)
I’ll be honest with you, boys,
we ain’t got time to evacuate everything…
Unless we can slow the Imps down.
HERMANUBIS
How, sir?
WARD
Half of you will fly your
Sex-Wings and Bi-Wings to
escort the transports out.
But the other half must stay
and fly the Smokeweeders against
the Imperial forces. Slow ’em down.
MERRYPRANKSTER
With respect, sir, shouldn’t we use
our Sex-Wings against the Imp ground forces?
They’re much more powerful, and
they won’t make much difference against
such a big fleet in space…
WARD
Silence!
The fanboys want to see some
cool new ships, and they’ll get them!
Never mind how many pilots die
because of the poor tactical planning!
A shocked pause, then WARD continues:
WARD
But I wouldn’t ask you to do anything
I wouldn’t do. I’m staying behind to
fight with you, until the end.
A ragged cheer.
WARD
Draw lots, boys.
Pick who stays and who goes.
The pilots draw straws. Those who are staying include LUAKEL, MERRYPRANKSTER,
HERMANUBIS, OTHNIEL, OTIS TARDA and MAX SINISTER.
LUAKEL
(to HERMANUBIS)
Guess we’re flying together again.
HERMANUBIS
Not in the same fighter.
I’m paired up with Oth.
LUAKEL ends up paired with MERRYPRANKSTER; they shake hands.
MERRYPRANKSTER
You feeling okay?
LUAKEL
Good as new. Nice to be
flying with you.
MERRYPRANKSTER
Sure.
To the Smokeweeders, then?
LUAKEL
In a moment.
I’ve got to do something first.
INT. – REBEL BASE – HANGAR BAYS
CHEWY and FLOID are loading up the Century Hawk and repairing it with even more
haste than before. LUAKEL walks up, pausing to add a pink ‘1’ to each of his
cheeks in rouge. As he approaches, something violent sparks and blows open one
of the hull access panels. Thick black smoke pours out.
FLOID
(cheerfully)
Yep, that’s working now!
CHEWY
Good as new, old chap.
LUAKEL
Hey, you guys. I’m going out to
fight the Imps, and…[/center]
He doesn’t verbalise it, but the words ‘I may not come back’ hang in the
air between them.
FLOID
You’ll be fine, kiddo.
CHEWY
Quite right.
FLOID
See you around.
FLOID and CHEWY shake LUAKEL’s hand, then go back into the Century Hawk and
resume their repairs. LUAKEL nods to himself and walks back out of the hangar,
heading for the Smokeweeders. He jumps two feet at one point as an even larger
bang comes from one of the Century Hawk’s access panels, and the red-hot panel
lid scythes past a few inches over his head.
FLOID
(VO)
Even better!
INT. – BASE – COMMAND ROOM
In the background, we see LUAKEL and the other pilots heading for their
stations. WARD has his hands folded behind his back and is staring at the giant
hologram of Coldh. As he watches, a cloud of red dots suddenly appears in orbit.
Alarms sound throughout the base. An adjutant, Lt. GBW, runs up to him.
GBW
Sir! Five Imperial capital
ships just emerged from cyberspace!
WARD
(sarcastic)
I noticed.
(an order)
Divert all power to the energy shield.
That thing’s got to hold until we
complete the evacuation.
GBW
Yessir.
GBW is about to walk away, then hesitates:
GBW
Sir, when you say ALL power, does
that include the secret supply for your
slide projectors?
WARD hesitates, and from his conflicting expressions, we can see that this is a
great personal sacrifice.
WARD
(at length)
Y – ee – es.
GBW
Yessir!
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
THELONEAMIGO waits patiently, but with some trepidation, outside GAYDAR’s pod.
The pod splits open and we catch a brief glimpse of anaemically white, wrinkled
skin – the back of GAYDAR’s head – before his helmet complete with radar
dish is lowered into position by a robotic arm.
GAYDAR
(not turning around)
What is it, General TheLoneAmigo?
THELONEAMIGO
Sir, the Rebels have a very powerful
energy shield. They’ve diverted all
power from their generators to it.
(hesitating)
Even with this fleet, orbital bombardment
can’t punch through.
GAYDAR
(angrily)
Admiral Midgardmetal neglected to
stealth us sufficiently. We must have
been detected whilst within cyberspace.
(to himself)
He shall be…disciplined.
THELONEAMIGO tries hard not to look smug.
GAYDAR
General, prepare your forces
for a ground assault.
THELONEAMIGO nods and salutes, as GAYDAR strides away towards the front of the
bridge, where MIDGARDMETAL and DIAMOND are conferring. They turn as GAYDAR
approaches.
MIDGARDMETAL
Lord Gaydar, we have dropped out
of cyberspace and are about to engage – urkh!
GAYDAR
(gesturing)
You have failed me for the last
time, Admiral Midgardmetal.
GAYDAR snaps his fingers and MIDGARDMETAL’s neck snaps in time with them. The
light fades from his eyes and he drops to the floor. DIAMOND looks at the corpse
in shock.
GAYDAR
Captain – no, Admiral Diamond,
you are now in command of the Overcompensator.
Judging from DIAMOND’s expression, he considers this a mixed blessing.
DIAMOND
Sir?
GAYDAR
Deploy the fleet to blockade the planet.
I want nothing to get out.
And prepare to land General TheLoneAmigo’s
troops outside the shield perimeter.
DIAMOND
It shall be done.
GAYDAR
For the Emperor!
THELONEAMIGO rolls his eyes.
INT. – REBEL BASE – HANGARS
LUAKEL and the others are getting into their Smokeweeders. On the other side of
the hangar, KILNGIRL is hastily briefing the other group of pilots, who are
getting into their Sex-Wings and Bi-Wings. This group includes G.BONE, BASILEUS
and SBEGIN.
KILNGIRL
You’re to protect each transport, in pairs.
Stick close to them; there’ll only be a
small gap in the energy shield.
G.BONE
Only two fighters per transport?
Dudette, what can that do against a
Thread Destroyer?!
KILNGIRL
(bristling a bit at ‘dudette’)
The Turtledove cannon will
fire a few shots before you leave,
to make sure no functional enemy
ships are left in your flight path.
You’ll just have to keep the Thai
fighters off the freighters’ backs.
G.BONE
Okely dokely.
KILNGIRL
(shaking her head in despair)
Just go.
The pilots get into their fighters and prepare for takeoff. Meanwhile, the
Smokeweeders are launching. KILNGIRL looks towards them for a moment and bites
her lip, then shakes her head and walks away.
EXT. – SPACE – PLANET COLDH
The Overcompensator and two of the smaller Thread Destroyers – the American
Politics and the Conspiracy Theorist – are deploying large, cuboidal barges
containing ground troops and vehicles, which are descending to the ground well
away from the Rebel base, and are escorted by clouds of Thai fighters.
The other two Thread Destroyers, the God Moding and the Quoting Wikipedia, are
positioned over the Rebel base and ready to shoot down any escaping transports.
INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND CENTRE
WARD is still staring at the planet image.
WARD
(to himself)
Only two on guard duty?
Overconfident assholes.
They’ll pay for that.
(to GBW)
Ready Turtledove cannon.
Release first transport.
And prepare to open the shields.
GBW
Yes, sir.
WARD
(staring at another part of the map)
And get everyone ready.
They’ll throw everything they have
at our power generators.
EXT. – OUTSIDE REBEL BASE
Rebel troops in fur guard the base’s "secret entrance". Some are
mounted on penguins and carry bazooka-like weapons. There are alsos some light
weapon turrets around. But there are few heavy weapons and no vehicles. A few
more Smokeweeders fly from the hangars, and the troops raise a damp cheer.
EXT. – SPACE – PLANET COLDH
We focus on the Imperial Thread Destroyer Quoting Wikipedia as it holds position
over the Rebel base. Far below, we see a small hole open up in the shield, and a
small transport – accompanied by two Sex-Wings – rises toward the Imperial
ship.
INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE
The captain, MOLOBO, and his lieutenant, GEDCA, study the radar displays.
GEDCA
Three Rebel ships approaching, Captain.
MOLOBO
(delighted)
Excellent.
Our first catch of the day!
For Poland!
GEDCA
(with weary familiarity)
For Poland.
INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND ROOM
GBW
Target locked, sir.
WARD
Huh, sitting ducks.
Fire!
EXT. – REBEL BASE – TURTLEDOVE CANNON
The spherical cannon mount emerges from its snowy disguise.
INT. – TURTLEDOVE CANNON
The cannon is operated by a crazed-looking Rebel officer, WFHERMANS.
WFHERMANS
(stabbing at control panel)
Die, die, Quoting Wikipedia!
For the children!
EXT. – TURTLEDOVE CANNON
The cannon fires several red beams into the sky.
AUDIENCE OF FANBOYS
(VO)
Shouldn’t that be blue…no that was just a trick
on the Sex-Wing vs. Thai Fighter game…well
they ought to retcon it…how dare you, you heretic…
AUDIENCE OF NORMAL PEOPLE
(VO)
SHHHH!!!!
EXT. – SPACE
We see the red beams zip past the Rebel ships (narrowly missing them) and
hit the Quoting Wikipedia. They break up into streams of red lightning which
crackle all over the ship.
INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE
The bridge is in chaos as consoles flicker and fade. MOLOBO stares in horror as
the Rebel ships whiz past.
MOLOBO
Fire fire fire!
We must have them!
GEDCA
(patiently)
Sir, all weapons are offline.
All the computers are stuck
in some weird recursive feedback loop…
GEDCA points at a set of computer screens. All the screens show the Blue Screen
of Death and are endlessly repeating the words:
SAM CARSTEN IS PALE AND COMES FROM THE RANKS AND SUNBURNS EASILY AND ZINC OXIDE
DOES NOT HELP ALLEVIATE THIS CONDITION MUCH… SAM CARSTEN IS PALE AND COMES
FROM THE RANKS AND SUNBURNS EASILY AND ZINC OXIDE DOES NOT HELP ALLEVIATE THIS
CONDITION MUCH… SAM CARSTEN IS PALE AND COMES FROM THE RANKS AND SUNBURNS
EASILY AND ZINC OXIDE DOES NOT HELP ALLEVIATE THIS CONDITION MUCH…
MOLOBO
(curses)
Surely a Jew, an enemy of
Poland, must have created
this horror!
GEDCA
(to himself)
Hey, even a stopped clock
is right twice a day.
EXT. – SPACE
The Quoting Wikipedia spins out of control, as more groups of Rebel ships speed
past it and into cyberspace.
EXT. – OUTSIDE REBEL BASE
One of the Rebel ground officers, VOCSE, raises a pair of binoculars and stares
at the horizon. He sees vague blots on it: Imperial forces heading this way.
VOCSE
(into radio)
Rouge Squadron, we have company.
INT. – LUAKEL’S SMOKEWEEDER
The craft has a back-to-back configuration, with LUAKEL piloting and
MERRYPRANKSTER, facing backward, as the gunner. MERRYPRANKSTER answers the
radio.
MERRYPRANKSTER
Roger that, Commander VoCSe.
We’re on our way.
EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH
We see the Imperial force in more detail. Its bulk is made up of GOOGLE SPIDERS
of various sizes, from small car-sized ones up to house-sized armoured
monstrosities. But the biggest vehicles of all are those shaped like two drunk
American college students, with the one behind leaning on the one in front, and
their four legs powering over the ground.
These vast fighting machines are, of course, the FRAT-FRAT WANKERS. 
The camera pans into the cockpit on one of these, located in the lead frat boy’s
head:
INT. – FRAT-FRAT WALKER COCKPIT
THELONEAMIGO is there personally. He is examining sensor displays.
THELONEAMIGO
Pathetic!
They have no weapons capable
of opposing us!
Forward! For Goo – er, I mean, the Empire!
EXT. – OUTSIDE REBEL BASE
The Wankers are now visible.
VOCSE
(nervously)
This is it. Open fire!
The Rebels open fire with their laser and missile weapons. We see explosions
blossom on the Frat-Frats and the Google Spiders, but when the smoke clears,
only the smaller of the Google Spiders are damaged. The larger Google Spiders
and Frat-Frats are merely singed.
VOCSE
Dammit!
I was afraid of this!
(into radio)
Rouge Squadron, where are you?
The Imperial forces open fire. Laserfire slashes from the Google Spiders and
Frat-Frats, tearing up the defence stations and vaporising screaming Rebel
troops where they stand.
Then the Smokeweeders race overhead, to a ragged cheer from the remaining
Rebels, and let fly with their own laser weapons at the Imperials.
INT. – LUAKEL’S SMOKEWEEDER
From LUAKEL’s point of view, we see the pink laserfire lashing out and
stabbing into the side of a Frat-Frat as he skilfully pilots the Smokeweeder
around the Wanker’s sluggish return fire. But his weapons seem to have little
more effect than VOCSE’s forces’.
MERRYPRANKSTER
We’re just not punching through.
LUAKEL
(cursing)
Then it’ll just have to be
Project Irony.
MERRYPRANKSTER
But that’s untested!
LUAKEL
It’s either that or we test
our souls outside our bodies.
MERRYPRANKSTER
A point.
EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH
The Smokeweeders make another attack run, slowing down the Imperials a bit but
doing no real damage again. This time, one of the smaller Google Spider Wankers
manages to get off a shot that hits one of the Rebel Smokeweeders. Trailing
smoke, that Smokeweeder careers off and smashes into a Frat-Frat, destroying it
in a massive explosion.
The Imperial Wankers return their attention to the Rebel ground troops and
continue cutting VOCSE’s forces to shreds.
INT. – LUAKEL’S SMOKEWEEDER
MERRYPRANKSTER
(into radio)
Rouges, this is Rouge Leader.
Project Irony is a go.
We hear vague acknowledgements from OTIS TARDA and OTHNIEL.
EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH
The three remaining Smokeweeders all select one Frat-Frat and dive for it. The
Imperials fire at them but fail to score any hits this time. The Smokeweeders
dive PAST the Frat-Frats – and then –
INT. – LUAKEL’S SMOKEWEEDER
LUAKEL
Fire!
MERRYPRANKSTER
Firing!
EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH
The Smokeweeder’s rear gun fires a strange burst of greyish liquid at the
Frat-Frat’s legs. The other Smokeweeders do the same, and then to the Google
Spiders. The greyish stuff glues the Wankers’ legs together. They pause,
totter, and then fall forward onto their fronts.
INT. – THELONEAMIGO’S FRAT-FRAT – COCKPIT
THELONEAMIGO’s Frat-Frat is not one of those to have been attacked, but he
stares at the ones which have, and curses.
THELONEAMIGO
Webbed! Webbed in place!
Using our own weapons against us!
And now they’re sitting ducks!
EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH
VOCSE
Slywanker did it!
Fire all artillery!
The Rebels’ artillery, unable to hit a moving target, fires. Several
Frat-Frats and Google Spiders blow up, and the soldiers cheer.
INT. – THELONEAMIGO’S FRAT-FRAT – COCKPIT
THELONEAMIGO
Move up the Yahoo! Slurp Spiders
to slurp that webbing away!
And keep firing at the Smokeweeders!
EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH
We follow one of the Smokeweeders as it webs another Google Spider, but is then
hit by a burst from THELONEAMIGO’s Frat-Frat.
INT. – MAX’S SMOKEWEEDER
Blue lightning crackles over the damaged control panels as MAX SINISTER and OTIS
TARDA struggle to bring the Smokeweeder back under control.
OTIS TARDA
The primary circuit’s fried!
MAX SINISTER
(cursing)
We’re done for!
OTIS TARDA
(after a pause)
Well…
As we’re about to die…
I think you ought to know…
MAX SINISTER
What?
OTIS TARDA
It was actually us who started WW2.
MAX SINISTER
WHAT?!!
The Smokeweeder suddenly pulls up from its death dive and heads back toward the
Rebel base.
MAX SINISTER
I can’t believe this!!
You mean to tell me…
OTIS TARDA
Well no, I just made it up.
But at least it gave you enough
motivation to fix us, eh?
MAX SINISTER
(snarling)
I hate mind games.
He smashes down on the control panel, apparently randomly, and OTIS TARDA’s
seat ejects.
EXT. – PLAINS OF COLDH
We see OTIS TARDA go flying through the air and end up spreadeagled on the
windscreen of THELONEAMIGO’s Frat-Frat.
INT. – THELONEAMIGO’S FRAT-FRAT – COCKPIT
THELONEAMIGO stares dispassionately at OTIS TARDA, then flicks a switch that
activates the windscreen wipers, and scrapes him off.
THELONEAMIGO
Good. Now…
(looks at battlefield)
Excellent. The Slurp Spiders are here.
EXT. – PLAINS OF COLDH
The Slurp Spiders, smaller gold-coloured support Wankers, are slurping up the
grey web material.
INT. – LUAKEL’S SMOKEWEEDER
LUAKEL
(cursing)
Dammit!
MERRYPRANKSTER
(quietly)
Max and Otis are out of action,
and we’re all out of ammo.
LUAKEL
(sighing)
All right.
Back to base.
MERRYPRANKSTER
At least we bought them some time.
LUAKEL nods but seems unsatisfied. The Wankers continue onwards, crushing VOCSE’s
troops, but more and more Rebel transports are rising from the base. The two
remaining Smokeweeders turn and return to base.
~~~
INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND ROOM
The room is now relatively deserted; radar screens and the big hologram show the
blips of most of the Rebel transports have already left, and are cruising past
the disabled Quoting Wikipedia into deep space. All that are left are WARD and
KILNGIRL.
WARD
(staring at a screen)
Dammit.
VoCSe and the Rogues
bought us some time.
But now the Imps are coming.
KILNGIRL
General, we have to evacuate!
WARD
Bah!
There aren’t even any transports
left anywhere where we could
reach them in time!
And there are only enough Sex-Wings
to take the Rouges into space.
In shock, KILNGIRL realises he’s right.
KILNGIRL
But then-
WARD
(winking)
But there is one ship left
that could take you.
KILNGIRL
(catching on)
Wha – oh yes!
But General-
WARD
Stow it. I ain’t comin’.
WARD sits down, cracks open his laser rifle and starts cleaning it.
WARD
I’m old, Princess.
I’m no more use to the Rebellion.
KILNGIRL
General, you know that’s not true-
WARD
(ignoring her)
But there’s one thing I can still
do for you, and the Republic.
(decisively)
Now go, before I stuff you into
a torpedo tube and damn well
blast you into orbit!
KILNGIRL nods, her eyes tearing, and backs away down a corridor. WARD smirks and
goes back to cleaning his rifle.
INT. – THELONEAMIGO’S FRAT-FRAT – COCKPIT
THELONEAMIGO
Power generators in range.
Target and fire!
EXT. – OUTSIDE REBEL BASE
The Frat-Frat fires its powerful lasers at the snow dunes. The snow instantly
vaporises from the heat, exposing the hidden power generators below it, and then
those power generators detonate as they are hit by the laserfire. The shimmering
glow of the shield over the battlefield fades away.
The tattered remnants of the Rebel army are fighting a losing battle against the
encroaching Imperial Google Spiders and Frat-Frats. We focus on Major VOCSE, who
has a bazooka and is firing rockets at the Google Spiders. He manages to hit one
on a leg joint and it collapses, detonating as it hits the ice.
VOCSE
(to his subordinates)
So what do you reckon, eh?
General Ward – ace tactician
or bloodthirsty madman?
Or you could blame me.
Stairways telescope down from between the legs of the Frat-Frats and they start
disgorging Porntroopers in white/blue camouflage and cold air breathing
equipment. VOCSE screams, picks up a laser automatic rifle, and begins blazing
away at the Porntrooper horde. All around him, Rebels are cut down by
Porntroopers, until VOCSE is the last one standing on a heap of bodies. He
staggers in the cold and under the weight of his weapons, but keeps on firing.
Then we see a single neat bolt come out of nowhere and hit VOCSE between the
eyes. He staggers, drops his gun, and falls.
VOCSE
(mumbling)
For the Republic.
We pan across to see THELONEAMIGO lowering his smoking pistol. His expression is
cold, his eyes betray no emotion.
THELONEAMIGO
(an order)
Search the base.
Kill them. Kill them all.
INT. – REBEL BASE – HANGAR
FLOID and CHEWY are still working on the Century Hawk, whilst C-LEO and
PAULSPRING-D2 sit to one side, arguing. KILNGIRL runs in.
KILNGIRL
Captain Floid, we’re outta here!
FLOID
What?
KILNGIRL
We’ve got to go now!
The Imps will be here any second!
FLOID
But we still haven’t re-attached the
photolytic regenerator…
KILNGIRL
Spare me your technobabble!
LUAKEL enters, a hunted look on his face. We hear the faint echo of laserfire
from further down the corridor.
LUAKEL
I need my political.
Ready, PaulSpring?
PAULSPRING
Beep beep boop beep.
FLOID
Hey kid, is it really that bad!
LUAKEL
It’s that bad squared, Floid!
FLOID
(decisively)
Okay, we’ve going.
Regenerator be damned!
LUAKEL goes off with PAULSPRING-D2, FLOID and CHEWY begin hurriedly prepping the
Century Hawk for launch, KILNGIRL fumes that FLOID believed LUAKEL but not her.
INT. – REBEL BASE – ANOTHER HANGAR
LUAKEL hurriedly lowers himself into place in his Sex-Wing, PAULSPRING-D2
fitting into the socket between the two Love Globes. Around him, the other
Rouges are getting into their Sex-Wings.
INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING
LUAKEL puts his disturbingly designed helmet on and surveys the control panels.
LUAKEL
All right, PaulSpring?
Begin power up sequence alpha one.
Run safety checks on-
We here a zap sound and sparks fly from above LUAKEL’s head. He turns around
and sees that Imperial Porntroopers have arrived and are blazing away with their
rifles.
LUAKEL
On second thoughts, let’s just go.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleeble bleep!
(text appears on screen)
NOW YOU’RE TALKING, YOU
WORTHLESS LIBERAL!
INT. – HANGAR
The Sex-Wings roar away into the sky, the Porntroopers still blazing away
impotently with their personal weapons.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID, CHEWY, KILNGIRL and C-LEO are inside the ship. FLOID and CHEWY are
fiddling desperately with the control panels, which are opened up and have
brightly coloured cables forming a spiderweb across the cockpit.
FLOID
C’mon, c’mon…
C-LEO
(pointing at an external camera screen)
Oh my! We’re doomed!
The screen shows two Porntroopers setting up a heavy artillery weapon, putting
it together out of parts.
EXT. – CENTURY HAWK HANGAR
We see those two Porntroopers, MATTEP74 and STEFFEN, in more detail.
MATTEP74
(muttering)
It says here ‘Insert Tab A into Slot B’.
STEFFEN
I can’t find Slot B. Do you think it’s
a misprint and they mean Slot C?
MATTEP74
Dunno.
STEFFEN
I’ll try it.
He does so, and a shower of sparks flies from the weapon, hurling him back.
MATTEP74
I don’t think it meant that.
STEFFEN
(picking himself up)
Damned IKEA weaponry…
MATTEP74
HEY! Are you insulting Sweden?
STEFFEN
Uh-
The two begin a fistfight, leaving the weapon in pieces.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID smirks and begins the power up sequence.
INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND ROOM
The Porntroopers, led by THELONEAMIGO, burst in. The room is now totally
deserted except for General WARD, who is holding his rifle.
THELONEAMIGO
Drop that, Rebel scum!
WARD
(grinning)
Why, of course.
WARD drops the gun. THELONEAMIGO looks a bit confused, like a Jehovah’s
Witness who’s just been invited in. WARD proceeds to pull out a small compact
mirror and apparently admires himself in it.
THELONEAMIGO
(recovering)
Vain old fool.
THELONEAMIGO raises his pistol.
WARD
(not looking away)
You’d shoot down an unarmed man?
THELONEAMIGO
Of course.
WARD
Then go ahead.
THELONEAMIGO fires a shot – WARD smirks and twirls his mirror – the laser
bolt HITS THE MIRROR AND REFLECTS – the bolt hits THELONEAMIGO in the chest
and he collapses!
WARD
The biter bit, eh?
THELONEAMIGO
(gasping for air)
Men – kill him!
The Porntroopers open up. WARD begins waving the mirror back and forth like a
tennis ace, catching each shot and reflecting it, but there are too many shots,
and his mirror is beginning to glow red-hot.
WARD
(through gritted teeth)
You Imps never did play fair.
Finally a shot gets through, hits him in the chest, and two more follow it. WARD
staggers backward and collapses into his command chair, dropping the mirror to
the floor where it shatters. WARD glances to one side, sees a last blip rising
from the base on the hologram, and nods. Then he looks up at THELONEAMIGO with
one last grin.
WARD
(weakly)
But then, nor did I.
He opens his other hand to reveal he’s holding a deadman switch. Focus on
THELONEAMIGO’s horrified expression –
EXT. – OUTSIDE REBEL BASE
The Century Hawk rises triumphantly from the base. Behind it, a giant nuclear
mushroom cloud suddenly blossoms over the base, obliterating the entire Imperial
army in an instant.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
KILNGIRL
(staring at the explosion)
Godspeed, General Ward.
FLOID
(reluctantly)
Yeah.
EXT. – SPACE – PLANET COLDH ORBIT
The Sex-Wings (from before) rise from the atmosphere and dive past the
still-disabled Quoting Wikipedia, but the God Moding is now shifting into
position behind them to block any more orbital escapes. LUAKEL’s Sex-Wing
breaks away from the others and heads in another direction.
INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep bleeble!
(text appears on screen)
YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG
WAY AS USUAL, YOU SILLY LEFTIE!
LUAKEL
No, PaulSpring.
We’re just going on a little detour.
(looks thoughtful)
We’re going to a place called Gay-O-Bar.
To see a Kitjedi Master.
EXT. – SPACE – SEX-WING
The Sex-Wing’s engines flare and it dives into a Hyperlink.
We pan across to another part of space, and see the Century Hawk now rising,
with the God Moding approaching behind and beginning to fire. Thai fighters also
race up towards them.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID
Don’t worry, Princess, we can outrun them –
Oh crap.
KILNGIRL
What’s gone wrong now?
CHEWY
(pointing)
Two more Thread Destroyers, directly ahead!
And indeed the American Politics and the Conspiracy Theorist lie in their path.
FLOID
(cursing)
Just great.
Well we still have manoeuvrability, at least.
KILNGIRL
How does that help?
FLOID
(thoughtfully)
I have an idea.
’
EXT. – SPACE
The Century Hawk dives directly between the two Thread Destroyers. The Thread
Destroyers open fire, but mostly end up hitting each other. Meanwhile, the God
Moding is still approaching from behind – and heading for a collision!
INT. – AMERICAN POLITICS – BRIDGE
Alarms sound as the God Moding approaches.
CAPTAIN RAHARRIS1973
All engines, hard a starboard!
(shaking his fist)
Damn the God Moding’s captain,
he never respects anyone else’s
right of way!
EXT. – SPACE
The three Thread Destroyers narrowly manage to avoid a collision, but have
fallen far behind the Century Hawk, which flies triumphantly onwards, pursued
only by a few Thai fighters.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID
Occasionally I even astound myself!
KILNGIRL
Yeah, yeah.
Get on with it.
FLOID
Chewy, engage Hyperlink Drive.
CHEWY pulls a lever. We hear a sound like a swanny whistle going down, but
nothing else happens.
FLOID
Chewy?
CHEWY
(shaking his head)
It’s no use.
Our orbital hybridiser
just blew out.
I did say you shouldn’t have
bought it from those shoddy
suppliers around the back of the bike sheds…
FLOID
(loudly)
All right, all right!
I’ll think of something else!
KILNGIRL
Think quickly!
FLOID
(pointing at radar)
There! Chewy, isn’t that-
CHEWY
An asteroid belt.
FLOID
Set a course.
KILNGIRL
What?
The Thread Destroyers are much more
resistant to asteroid impacts than we are!!
FLOID
(tapping his nose)
Ex – actly!
So we must have some fiendish ulterior
motive for luring them in there!
KILNGIRL
And do we?
FLOID
Well no, but they don’t know that.
KILNGIRL shakes her head in despair as the Century Hawk heads for the asteroid
field.
~~~
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID BELT
The Century Hawk turns and dives deeper into the asteroid field, five or six
Thai fighters pursuing. The Century Hawk makes a tight turn to avoid one
asteroid which slams into one of the Thai fighters instead; it explodes. Behind
the scuffle, we see the three Thread Destroyers hesitate and then come after the
Century Hawk into the asteroid belt. The Thread Destroyers begin to blast away
at the larger asteroids to clear a path, while their shields spark as the
smaller ones deflect off them.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
CHEWY has taken over one of the turret guns and is blazing away at the pursuing
Thai fighters – he manages to hit and destroy one, and a second runs into
another asteroid. Meanwhile, we see dust and smaller rocks bouncing off the
Century Hawk’s sparking shields. KILNGIRL and C-LEO look nervous, while FLOID
is studying the radar display with the tip of his tongue sticking out of the
corner of his mouth.
FLOID
There!
Looks perfect!
KILNGIRL
What? Something looks perfect in this lot?!
FLOID
(winking)
You just have to know where to look, Princess.
Chewy, see the big boy at one-four-seven?
CHEWY
(glancing around)
Of course, old chap. Ah – yes, I see…
C-LEO
You do?
I, for one, am as blind to Captain Floid’s
intentions as the proverbial prince of
Ghaduku spoken of by the prophet-
FLOID
Shut up, Polyglot.
Chewy, I’m taking us in.
KILNGIRL
In?!
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID FIELD
The Thread Destroyers are closing on them. The Century Hawk reaches a large
asteroid and begins cruising over its surface. Only two Thai fighters are left
– the Century Hawk destroys one with laserfire and the second is hit by
another rock and explodes.
Then a crevasse appears in the asteroid and the Century Hawk abruptly dives into
it.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
Through the windscreen we see the dark chasm growing before them, and then the
whole ship is plunged into darkness save for the emergency lights.
KILNGIRL
Aaaaaaargh!
FLOID
(through gritted teeth)
Here we go!
C-LEO
We’re doomed!
We clock-wipe to:
EXT. – SPACE – GAY-O-BAR SYSTEM
The planet Gay-O-Bar is visible. It’s a grey, grooved, dark ball covered with
murky clouds.
A Hyperlink opens and LUAKEL’s Sex-Wing emerges from cyberspace into orbit.
INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING
LUAKEL pilots the Sex-Wing into a dive; the canopy is soon taken up by murky
clouds pulling past.
LUAKEL
So this is it. Gay-O-Bar.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeble bleep blatt!
(Words appear on the screen, but we don’t see them)
LUAKEL
You’re detecting what?
(studies his screens)
This place is a post-industrial wasteland!
EXT. – GAY-O-BAR
And indeed it is. The Sex-Wing emerges from the clouds – dark with pollution
– and we find that the planet is entirely concreted over, covered with urban
city blocks. Yet none of them show any signs of habitation. There are no lights,
the windows are smashed and broken, grass and weeds are feebly beginning to push
their way up through cracks in the long-neglected pavement and road asphalt.
INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING
LUAKEL looks grim, not least because the dark clouds prevent much sunlight from
reaching him.
LUAKEL
What a depressing place.
I wonder why Bruno’s Kitjedi Master
would choose to live here.
(sighs)
All right, I’d better land -
LUAKEL flicks a switch. Nothing happens. He frowns and flicks it again. Nothing
continues to happen. Then the lights on his dashboard begin to flicker in
apparently random patterns and warning buzzers sound.
LUAKEL
PaulSpring! I’ve lost helm control!
Can you –
PAULSPRING-D2
(sounding negative)
Boop.
LUAKEL
Oh crap.
LUAKEL pulls open a panel and withdraws an odd-looking mechanical device.
LUAKEL
(to himself)
I’ll have to provide the power for the landing gear
manually with this generator,
and risk a landing without the antigravs.
EXT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING
We see the Sex-Wing cruise on its gentle dive towards Gay-O-Bar’s surface.
LUAKEL
(VO)
Whoo! Hah! Whoo! Hah!
Whoo! Hah! Whoo! Hah!
Through the cockpit, we can see LUAKEL rocking back and forth. It’s not quite
clear what he’s doing with the mechanical device, but it’s certainly taking
a lot of effort.
LUAKEL
(VO)
Whoo-hah! Whoo-hah!
Whoo-HAAAAAAAH!
The landing gear of the Sex-Wing pops out with a ‘sproink’ sound.
INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING
LUAKEL is now drenched in sweat. He puts the mechanical device to one side,
then, as an afterthought, takes a cigarette from his pocket and smokes it.
LUAKEL
Now to see if I can find a soft landing spot.
PAULSPRING-D2
(sounding pessimistic)
Blot bleep bleep.
LUAKEL
I know it won’t be easy in these
concrete canyons, PaulSpring,
but there has to be something…
Ah!
EXT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING
The Sex-Wing, landing gear extended, glides over the top of a large, cuboidal,
industrial-looking building, and descends towards its roof (off-camera).
The camera pans down to reveal the worn sign on the building:
GAY-O-BAR SEWAGE RECLAMATION PLANT 4.
We hear an almighty ‘sploodge’ sound.
INT. – SEWAGE PLANT
Inside the plant, there are vast vats of variously coloured fluids and pastes,
and LUAKEL’s Sex-Wing has landed in one of these, and is beginning to sink.
Reddish paste has been splattered all over the huge room. There is a
Sex-Wing-shaped hole in the ceiling.
The canopy pops on the Sex-Wing and LUAKEL stands up, peering over the lip of
the vat.
LUAKEL
(to himself)
Fortunately, this is the future,
so all the sewage reclamation
is done cleanly and hygienically
with these bacteria tanks, which
probably haven’t even touched
any waste since the civilisation here collapsed.
LUAKEL stabs his finger at the camera.
LUAKEL
So ha-ha!
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleeble bleep?
LUAKEL
(turning around)
No, PaulSpring, you stay here for now.
I’m going to go and take a look around.
PAULSPRING-D2
(grumbling)
Blippiblal Blefblie.
LUAKEL climbs out of the vat and swings himself over the side, dropping to the
stained concrete floor. He is about to walk away when he hears a
hissing/crackling sound behind him and turns.
PAULSPRING-D2 rises on little rocket jets from the vat and then descends to an
easy landing beside him.
LUAKEL
PaulSpring!
I didn’t know you could fly!
PAULSPRING-D2
Blipple bleep bloop.
He projects the words into the air using his hologram projector:
"WELL I COULD FLY IN EPISODE 2 AND IT WOULD BE A BIT STUPID IF I DIDN’T
USE IT IN THIS SITUATION, WOULDN’T IT!"
LUAKEL slaps his forehead.
LUAKEL
Of course, silly me.
Well, come on, let’s take a look at this place.
LUAKEL walks away, out of the room and into the bleak grey world beyond.
PAULSPRING follows, trundling along on his wheels.
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
GAYDAR is studying some screens, while the lieutenants manning them keep looking
nervously over their shoulders at him. DIAMOND walks up to them.
DIAMOND
Lord Gaydar, sir.
GAYDAR
Yes, Admiral?
DIAMOND
Our ships have sighted the Century Hawk, lord,
but it has fled into the asteroid belt…
GAYDAR
No matter. It is imperative that we recover that ship –
and intact. This is an Imperial battlefleet: we should
not be concerned with a few rocks.
DIAMOND
(sighing to himself)
Yes, my lord.
EXT. – ASTEROID CAVERN – CENTURY HAWK
The Century Hawk, only lit by its own spotlights, sits at the bottom of the
crevasse.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
CHEWY and FLOID are busy fiddling with controls. KILNGIRL and C-LEO look
worried.
FLOID
Okay, I’m shutting down everything for stealth,
except life support and other essentials.
KILNGIRL
What are the other essentials?
FLOID
Well, there’s the pinball machine…
C-LEO
Oh my! What shall I do?
FLOID
You go and talk to the Hawk’s computer.
See if there’s any way we can bypass this
and get our hyperlink drive back online.
C-LEO
Oh, very well.
C-LEO leaves the cockpit, CHEWY going with him.
KILNGIRL
(eyeing FLOID critically)
You know, I thought this was a crazy plan,
but it seems to have worked-
The whole ship rocks and sways, and we hear strange grinding noises from
outside.
FLOID
(sarcastically)
That’s right, jinx it.
Another, more violent rocking motion, and KILNGIRL is thrown out of her chair
and ends up in FLOID’s arms. They stare at each other.
FLOID
Er – what?
KILNGIRL
Get your hands off of me!
KILNGIRL draws away and sits in her own chair again. FLOID looks vaguely
wistful.
FLOID
(decisively)
I’m going to go and help those two
with the hyperlink drive.
KILNGIRL
(not looking at him)
Suits me.
FLOID sighs and walks out of the cockpit. KILNGIRL leans on the dark dashboard,
staring at the blackness outside, then finally lets out a wistful sigh of her
own.
EXT. – GAY-O-BAR
LUAKEL and PAULSPRING-D2 make their way along a dusty, deserted concrete high
street, no different from the others. We can see the sewage plant building in
the background, so they haven’t moved far. LUAKEL looks depressed and is
staring at one deserted building after another with dull eyes.
LUAKEL
This isn’t my idea of fun
(sighs)
How are we going to find Bruno’s Master?
This place makes me feel like…like…
STRANGELY ACCENTED VOICE
Like what?
LUAKEL spins around, pulling out his Sexsword, as PAULSPRING-D2 lets out a
squawk of alarm. But there’s nothing there. LUAKEL frowns, shrugs, and turns
back the way he was going –
And there is someone there. An old, robed man leaning on a crook, his face
hidden by a cowl and a white beard.
LUAKEL
Like I’m being watched!
OLD MAN
(waving his arms)
Away with your weapon, llook you!
Indeed to gootness, boyo, I am wondering
why you are here.
LUAKEL
(edgily)
I’m looking for someone.
OLD MAN
Well, now you’ve found someone, yes?
LUAKEL laughs.
OLD MAN
I can hellp you, boyo.
LUAKEL
I don’t think so.
I’m looking for, for a great warrior.
OLD MAN
Pschaw!
War does not make a man great!
The onlly conquests that matter
are those of the, aha, sexuall kind…
The OLD MAN cackles and LUAKEL looks faintly grossed out.
LUAKEL
Look, I’m looking for a…a Kitjedi Master
who once taught my friend Bruno –
I mean Doctor-What Lombardi.
Do you know those names?
OLD MAN
Indeed. I know where the Master you speak of llives, boyo.
I shallll take you to him, indeed to gootness I shallll.
The OLD MAN turns and stumps off in one direction. LUAKEL hesitates, looking
sceptical, then walks after him. PAULSPRING-D2 follows.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – MAIN COMPARTMENT
C-LEO is talking to the ship’s computer in a computer language of beeps and
modem static. FLOID and CHEWY look on with their arms folded. C-LEO turns to
them and shakes his head.
C-LEO
I’m afraid it’s no use.
We simply must have a
new orbital hybridiser.
FLOID
Might have known.
(sighs)
What about the battle damage?
C-LEO
The London polariser in the
dynamic combinatorial circuit
must be recalibrated.
FLOID
Typical.
FLOID walks back into the cockpit, while CHEWY and C-LEO continue quizzing the
computer.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
KILNGIRL is reading an old copy of Vanity Fair, which she hastily puts away as
FLOID comes in.
FLOID
’Scuse me, Princess, but I need
to recalibrate the London polariser.
KILNGIRL
(a bit coldly still)
Oh…
KILNGIRL gets up, flips open a panel and pulls out the relevant circuitboard.
FLOID
(impressed)
Hey!
Even I can’t find that one first try!
KILNGIRL
You think it was all eating off golden
plates in the Royal House of Canada?
We had to work for a living, and I
ended up in the Engineering Corps.
FLOID
(taking in this new information)
Hmmm…
FLOID pulls out a giant monkey wrench/Swiss army knife and fiddles with it until
he gets the right tool. He takes the circuit board from KILNGIRL and begins
adjusting it, but then curses mildly.
FLOID
It’s no use…
(with the air of one making a great sacrifice)
Princess, can you hold this for me while I
reset those three logic gates here?
KILNGIRL
If I must.
She holds the circuit board as FLOID leans over her shoulder and flicks the tool
over the board. Their position requires that they’re in close proximity to
each other, which isn’t lost on either of them.
KILNGIRL
You might want to reset that one at
alpha 9 too; looks like it’s a bit dodgy.
FLOID
(studies it)
Hey, you’re right!
FLOID adjusts that gate as well, turning his head toward KILNGIRL and offering
her a roguish grin.
FLOID
Any chance I can tempt you to
stay on as a permanent member of crew?
We could use your leet skillzors…
KILNGIRL turns her own head to look at him and gives him a winsome smile.
KILNGIRL
Yeah, right, like that’s your only motivation.
FLOID
Hey, I respect your abilities!
Even if I do have an…ulterior…motive…
KILNGIRL
(quirking a smile)
So do I.
They suddenly share a passionate kiss over the circuit board, which sparks –
in reaction?
Then C-LEO barges in through the door.
C-LEO
I say, Captain Floid!
I’ve isolated the remainder of the damage!
FLOID and KILNGIRL freeze halfway through, their eyes bulging out of their
sockets, then hastily disengage. KILNGIRL looks a little shocked at herself,
while FLOID spins around and gives C-LEO a dirty look.
FLOID
Thank you, Polyglot.
C-LEO
(missing the sarcasm)
Oh, that’s all right, sir.
FLOID sighs and walks away into the back of the Century Hawk. KILNGIRL remains
seated, her eyes distant and thoughtful.
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID BELT
The Imperial fleet moves deeper into the asteroid belt, asteroids slamming into
all the ships and being deflected by the shields. The ships keep up a steady
laserfire to destroy all the larger asteroids before they can hit them, but they
are rapidly coming faster than they can cope with.
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
GAYDAR is standing before a massive display of hologram projectors, with four
half-size hologram figures representing the captains of the Thread Destroyers.
DIAMOND stands to one side of GAYDAR, looking nervous. The captain of the God
Moding is speaking –
UNNAMED CAPTAIN
And then the inbred morons
just vanished off our scopes and –
what?
(to someone off-screen)
No! This cannot be! Intensify firepower!
My magical unrealistic weapon destroys the rock before-
The hologram dissolves into static. DIAMOND and the remaining captains look
horrified. GAYDAR seems unmoved.
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID BELT
We see a truly massive asteroid slam into the God Moding’s bridge tower and
destroy it in a shower of molten metal and gravel. The God Moding, out of
control, fires its engines randomly and gets pummelled by a dozen more rocks;
finally its main reactor detonates, leaving only an empty husk of superstructure
behind. The other Thread Destroyers continue on.
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
DIAMOND
Lord Gaydar, sensors report that the
God Moding has been destroyed.
GAYDAR
I see.
(a pause)
Captain Raharris1973, continue
on from where he got to.
RAHARRIS1973
(sounding scared)
Yes, my lord.
The Century Hawk just vanished off our scopes.
Considering the amount of damage they took
(pointedly emphasising this)
they must have been destroyed.
GAYDAR
(at length)
No. They are alive.
The Innuendo never lies.
You shall sweep this asteroid belt
until they are found.
DIAMOND
(in a mutter)
Or until we’re all dead.
GAYDAR
(turning to another hologram)
And you, Captain Molobo-
MOLOBO
Yes my lord!
We’ve completed all repairs and are
now ready to take part in the search – gah!!
MOLOBO clutches his throat.
GAYDAR
(deadly)
Do not fail me again.
GAYDAR drops his hand and MOLOBO gasps for air, given a reprieve.
GAYDAR
Continue the search.
They must be found.
A lieutenant runs up to DIAMOND with a message, which he reads, paling as he
does so.
DIAMOND
My lord.
The Emperor commands that he
make contact with you.
GAYDAR
Ah.
Move this ship out of the
asteroid field so we can have
a nice unstaticky transmission.
DIAMOND
(in disbelief)
Y – es, my lord.
GAYDAR strides away. DIAMOND is left shaking his head.
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID FIELD
The Overcompensator reverses out of the asteroid field, leaving the American
Politics, Conspiracy Theorist and Quoting Wikipedia to comb the field.
INT. – GAYDAR’S PRIVATE COMM ROOM
A truly giant hologram projector fills the room. GAYDAR bows before it as it
lights up an an image begins to form.
GAYDAR
What is thy bidding, my-
(he looks up)
Hey, who the hell are you?
UNFAMILIAR FIGURE
I’m Post Wastage, the Imperial
Grand Vizier. Your call is important
to us and soon you will be put through to –
GAYDAR
(makes cutting motion)
Hold on, hold on.
You were edited out of the final cut of the film,
although you do appear in several comic books
and are mentioned in various novels afterwards.
POST WASTAGE
I was? Oh, bugger.
The image vanishes and is replaced by someone in a dark cowled robe. GAYDAR
nods.
GAYDAR
Ahem. What is thy bidding, my-
Hang on, you’re not the Emperor either…
EMPEROR FIGURE
Yes I am!
GAYDAR
Nonononono.
You played the Emperor in the original
cinema version of this film, but for the
Special Edition you were replaced with the
actor who played the Emperor in Episode VI
and the prequels, donchaknow.
EMPEROR FIGURE
I was? Oh, bugger.
That image vanishes as well. GAYDAR remains standing, patiently, as a third
image appears. It looks identical to the second except that it’s the right
actor… GAYDAR bows.
GAYDAR
Finally!
What is thy bidding, my master?
GRIMM REAPER
Howdy ho, Gaydar my man!
I feel a great disturbance in the Innuendo…
…though why I am telling this to you when you were the one who originally
informed me, I don’t know…
and I want to have a nice neighbourly chat
with you about it!
GAYDAR
(in a mutter)
Damn……ial.
(out loud)
I have also felt this, my master.
GRIMM REAPER
We have a new enemy, it seems.
Luak Slywanker.
(pause)
The British press have several interesting
articles on the subject which you might find
it most instructive to read –
GAYDAR
(cutting him off)
Yes, my master.
GRIMM REAPER
He was the pupil of my old enemy Doctor-What.
He could destroy us…
GAYDAR
He’s just a boy.
Doctor-What can no longer help him.
In the background, we see DOCTOR WHAT – now dressed as an Imperial officer and
wearing a fake Hitler moustache – lean around the chamber door and wink at the
camera before moving on.
GRIMM REAPER
Nevertheless, the Innuendo is strong within him.
(intently)
The son of Slywanker must not become a Kitjedi.
GAYDAR
But…
If he could be turned…
He would make a powerful ally.
GRIMM REAPER
Yes, yes. He would be an…asset.
Can it be done?
GAYDAR
If I am not successful, my master,
then I will send him to one of our slave-worked
clothes-colouring sweatshop planets.
He will not last long there.
GRIMM REAPER
You mean…
GAYDAR
Yes!
He will join us or dye, my master!
GRIMM REAPER
Agh! The pun pain, the pun pain…
GRIMM REAPER’s image vanishes. Behind his mask, we can somehow tell that
GAYDAR is smirking to himself.
EXT. – GAY-O-BAR
LUAKEL and PAULSPRING-D2 – obviously tired from walking – follow the OLD
MAN, who still seems sprightly, into a large brickwork building. There is a neon
sign above the door, still flickering weakly a bright pink, which reads
"THE HARD DAZED KNIGHTS".
INT. – THE HARD DAZED KNIGHTS
The building seems to have been a bar or club at one point. Now it is deserted
as the rest as the planet, dust having piled up on the barstools and the rather
disturbing-looking posters on the walls. The OLD MAN goes behind the bar and
takes some glasses over to the bar optics. A suspicious number of the liquids in
them seem to have absurdly bright colours, shocking pink, aqua blue, luminous
green etc.
With surprising ease, the OLD MAN drips a measured portion of each optic into a
long glass, producing a rainbow-layered cocktail, which he sets down in front of
LUAKEL.
OLD MAN
Fancy a Llong Hard Screw Against the Wallll?
LUAKEL
Er…
OLD MAN
(sighing)
It’s the drink.
LUAKEL
Ah.
LUAKEL sips it, makes a face, but drinks a bit more for show.
LUAKEL
Uhh, delicious.
But I don’t see why we can’t see
the Kitjedi Master now.
OLD MAN
Patience, patience, look you.
The Master is not far away, not far at allll.
The OLD MAN mixes a cocktail of his own, sips it, and then sits down on the
other side of the bar, staring keenly at LUAKEL.
OLD MAN
So why do you wish to become
a Kitjedi, hmm, whateffar?
LUAKEL
I…
Mostly because of my father, I suppose.
OLD MAN
Ah, your father, yes.
Powerfull Kitjedi he was, boyo,
powerfull indeed.
LUAKEL
(fed up)
Oh, come on!
How could you know my father –
you don’t even know who I am!
…I’m wasting my time here.
The OLD MAN turns to a darkened doorway.
OLD MAN
(irritated)
I cannot teach him, llook you.
The boyo has no patience, whateffar.
DOCTOR WHAT’S SPOOKY VOICE
(from the doorway)
He will learn patience.
LUAKEL
(looking up)
Bruno?!
INT. – DARKENED DOORWAY
DOCTOR WHAT is just around the corner, with his Acme Spooky Sounding Megaphone
to his lips. With his other hand, he’s slowly taking off his Imperial Officer
disguise and putting on another one. He pauses to wink at the camera.
INT. – THE HARD DAZED KNIGHTS
As before.
OLD MAN
(directed at the doorway)
There’s much anger in him.
Just llike his father!
DOCTOR WHAT’S SPOOKY VOICE
Was I any different when you taught me?
OLD MAN
I never taught you. I taught Count Dearborn,
who taught Si-On Ewig, who taught you.
DOCTOR WHAT’S SPOOKY VOICE
Well yeah, but it’s the principle of the thing.
OLD MAN
Hah. He’s not ready.
LUAKEL is looking from the OLD MAN to the doorway and back, realisation on his
face.
LUAKEL
I – master?!
I am ready! I can be a Kitjedi!
Tell him, Bruno!
OLD MAN
(angrily)
You’re ready? What do you know of ready?
For eight hundred years I have trained Kitjedi.
I founded the Kitjedi Order mysellf!
(turning to LUAKEL)
I have watched you, never mind how.
You are stubborn, recklless! You crave Adventure!
The true Kitjedi does not want these things, llook you!
LUAKEL
Wha –
(frowning)
Eight hundred years old?
And you founded the Order?
How can this be?
OLD MAN
(nodding)
Ah. Now you are thinking like a Kitjedi.
Asking questions. Questioning assumptions.
LUAKEL
…and?
OLD MAN
I am not human, boyo, though I may llook it.
My kind have the ability to regenerate into a new
body once our old one has burned away…
LUAKEL
(thoughtful)
Hmm, that sounds familiar…
OLD MAN
And you are privileged now to witness me as I
enter my very last incarnation, my twenty-third…
Suddenly pink-white flame flies from the hood and sleeves of the OLD MAN’s
robe. LUAKEL gasps and draws back in amazement as the fire spreads out, the
bearded face melting beneath it, fading and reforming into new, strong, young
features. The robe burns away.
Finally we see a shoulders-up shot of the OLD MAN as the last fire fades away.
He is young once again, no older than LUAKEL. A tattoo on his forehead says
XXIII.
YOUNG MAN
I am Kitjed-23,
Twenty-third reincarnation of
Kitjed-1 the founder of the Kitjedi Order!
What do you have to say to that, eh, boyo?
Change shot to show LUAKEL’s shocked expression.
LUAKEL
Umm…
Could you put some clothes on please?
~~~
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID FIELD
Asteroids continue to spark off the shields of the three remaining Imperial
Thread Destroyers (Quoting Wikipedia, American Politics and Conspiracy
Theorist). The Overcompensator glides back into the fold as we watch,
blasting away at the larger asteroids.
Clouds of Thai fighters fly from the hangar bays of the ships. Some of them are
escorting Siamese bombers, which are two Thai fighters fused together a la
Siamese twins, with a cockpit in only one of them and the other devoted to bomb
storage.
A large asteroid enters the camera view, and we zoom in…
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
KILNGIRL is still reclining in her seat, looking thoughtful as she toys with a
control on the dashboard.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – MAIN CORRIDOR
The lights are flickering on and off in time with KILNGIRL playing with the
lever. CHEWY and FLOID have got every access panel possible off the wall and are
staring at the circuit boards in puzzlement.
FLOID
Well, we may have rigged the hyperlink drive
for a one shot burst, but I still can’t understand
why we can’t fix the lighting…
CHEWY
Quite right, old chap.
A distant, feminine scream, and KILNGIRL suddenly dashes in, horror on her face.
KILNGIRL
Eyes! Outside. Three of them! Green!
FLOID
Oh?
CHEWY
(looking up)
At least the lights have stopped flickering…
We hear a thump and a sort of scraping sound on the outer hull, followed by
another. KILNGIRL winces and ducks instinctively.
C-LEO
Oh my! I recognise that mating call.
These are Alien Space Bats!
FLOID
Figures.
Okay, this rock has a scrap of an atmosphere.
We should be okay outside with a facemask.
Chewy, want to come and help me shoot ’em off the hull?
CHEWY
Would love to, old bean, but you know I get
a bit chesty in the open air. Much less the
near-vacuum of an asteroid atmosphere.
FLOID
Ah yes.
KILNGIRL
I’ll come.
Nothing gets away with scaring me!
FLOID
(shuddering at KILNGIRL’s expression)
You’re so evil.
KILNGIRL
(smiling)
I know.
EXT. – CENTURY HAWK
The hatchway opens and FLOID and KILNGIRL come out, both wearing facemasks
attached to little oxygen tanks, but no other equipment. They are holding laser
rifles. FLOID suddenly throws himself to the floor, rolls on his side behind a
nearby rock, then looks over the top suspiciously and takes aim on a couple of
imaginary targets. KILNGIRL shakes her head and just walks normally to the same
position.
KILNGIRL
Typical man.
FLOID
(through gritted teeth)
You see anything?
They both stare at the Century Hawk.
KILNGIRL
I don’t – AGH!
Something bright green, with long leathery wings and three eyes, suddenly
emerges from under the Century Hawk’s wing and flaps in their faces.
ASB
WI Operation Sealion succeeded?
WI the US conquered Britain in 1776?
WI pre-modern Japan took the East Indies from a united India?
KILNGIRL
WI I shoot you in the head?!
KILNGIRL coolly fires three laser bolts into the ASB’s head and it falls to
the floor with a shriek, then vanishes into a puff of green smoke.
KILNGIRL
I hate those things.
FLOID
Look out, here comes another!
ASB 2
WI Africa conquered Europe as in Lion’s Blood
WI Africa conquered Europe as in Lion’s Blood
WI Africa conquered Europe as in Lion’s Blood
WI Africa conquered Europe as in Lion’s Blood
WI Africa conquered Europe as in Li-
Both FLOID and KILNGIRL blast away at it with their rifles, blowing its head
off, and continue firing at where it was even after it vanishes.
FLOID
(shrugs)
Some of them are more single-minded than others.
Suddenly the whole cave lurches and we hear a distant groaning noise! FLOID
stumbles, KILNGIRL trips and FLOID catches her. She stares at him again, then
rights herself.
KILNGIRL
What was that?
FLOID
Dunno.
Hey -
A third ASB has appeared from under the Century Hawk.
ASB 3
WI DoD USA ISOTed 2 HT’s GW TL?
WI TBATG CSA ISOTed 2 OTL 1935?
WI OATWS UK ISOTed 2-
FLOID blasts away at it, hitting and killing it, but some of his bolts miss and
hit the cavern wall instead.
The cavern lurches again!
KILNGIRL
What?
FLOID
(puzzled)
Hang on…
FLOID shoots the floor under him and the cavern lurches, accompanied by a
distant low-pitched groan. His face pales in realisation.
KILNGIRL
Floid?-
FLOID
(harshly)
Into the ship!
We’ve got to get out of here now!
He hustles the surprised KILNGIRL back into the ship.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID drops into the pilot’s seat and begins going through the power up
sequence.
FLOID
Chewy! We need to get out of here NOW!
KILNGIRL
But the Imps are still out there-
FLOID
Better them than this!
This isn’t a cave, it’s-
We hear another distant growl.
KILNGIRL
(catching on)
It’s alive…
FLOID
(grimly)
It’s an Eopeopsdivad.
A Plausibility Demon.
KILNGIRL
I thought they were just a legend…
FLOID
It feeds on ASBs.
And now we’ve killed its food supply…
(shouted down the corridor)
CHEWY!
CHEWY
(VO)
As ready as we’ll ever be, old chap.
C-LEO
Oh my!
FLOID pulls a lever and the ship lifts off, heading towards the cavern mouth –
which begins to CONTRACT! And we see huge, sharp teeth around its edges…
FLOID/KILNGIRL
Aaaaaaaarrrrrggghhh!
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID
The Century Hawk hurtles out of the cave, bare feet ahead of the snapping teeth
of the EOPEOPSDIVAD, a giant slug-like creature which throws its head out of the
cavern after them.
EOPEOPSDIVAD
(in slurred, troll-like voice)
Return! Your ship does not meet the requirements
for plausibility, which only I have the authority
to set! Therefore it cannot exist! Come back!
The passing Imperial Thread Destroyer Quoting Wikipedia open up on the Century
Hawk, but don’t lead it enough, and the laserfire hits the Eopseopsdivad and
destroys it.
EOPEOPSDIVAD
(dying grunt)
It is not plausible to use lasers for ship to ship combat,
therefore I have not just died and…uuurrrghhkkk…
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID FIELD
The Century Hawk dives towards the edge of the field, pursued by the Quoting
Wikipedia, its Thai fighters, and its Siamese bombers. FLOID’s desperate
evasive manoeuvres keep most of the laserfire from hitting them. Adjacent
asteroids are constantly blown up by the fire, though.
INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE
MOLOBO rubs his hands together in glee, while in the background lieutenants
GEDCA and FENWICK look on disapprovingly.
MOLOBO
Now is my chance to redeem myself!
Be careful with those guns, I need them alive!
GEDCA/FENWICK
Yes, Captain.
MOLOBO
(theatrically cupping a hand to his ear)
Yes, Captain AND…
GEDCA/FENWICK
(reluctantly)
…for Poland.
MOLOBO
Precisely.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID is still working the yoke so that most of the pursuing fire misses them,
but he’s running out of tricks.
FLOID
(sweating)
Got…to…get…out…of…the…field…
KILNGIRL
(pointing at radar)
There’s another two Thread Destroyers
coming around to cut us off!
FLOID
Doesn’t matter.
That’s it! We’re out of the field.
Chewy, hyperlink!
CHEWY
Roger wilco!
He pulls a lever and there is another swanny whistle sound noise.
FLOID
Chewy?!
CHEWY
Bother! It didn’t work!
C-LEO
Then we’re toast!
FLOID
(snarling)
Not the way I’m buttered.
C-LEO
That didn’t even make sense!
FLOID
(ignoring him)
I’ve still got one trick left.
Suddenly, he turns the yoke in a wide arc. The stars spin until they are facing
the Quoting Wikipedia again, and FLOID pulls open the throttle to full. They
race past the confused Thai fighters and head straight for the ship’s bridge,
the startled Imperial gunners not tracking them.
KILNGIRL
THIS is a trick?!
C-LEO
Captain Floid, statistically, the odds of
surviving a direct assault on an
Imperial Thread Destroyer-
FLOID
(through gritted teeth)
Shut up, Polyglot!
INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE
MOLOBO opens his mouth in horror as the Century Hawk grows in the bridge window.
MOLOBO
They’re going to ram us!
Intensify forward firepower!
I –
The Century Hawk hurtles overhead and out of view.
MOLOBO
Tractor them, while they’re in close!
FENWICK
Sir…they’ve vanished from our scopes.
MOLOBO
WHAT?!
FENWICK
But I am picking up a lot of new debris…
MOLOBO
WHAT?!!
GEDCA
You DID say to intensify forward firepower…
MOLOBO sets his jaw, but his eyes have a nervous look in them.
MOLOBO
Right. I’m going to go and see
Lord Gaydar to apologise personally.
Stiffly strutting, MOLOBO leaves. GEDCA pauses for a moment after he’s gone,
then high-fives FENWICK.
GEDCA
(grinning)
I get to be captain!
I get to be captain!
FENWICK
And then after YOU screw up,
I get to be captain!
GEDCA stops grinning.
EXT. – SPACE – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA
We see a shuttle emerge from the Quoting Wikipedia’s main hangar bay and fly
towards the Overcompensator. We follow the shuttle with the camera, taking in a
large part of the Quoting Wikipedia’s superstructure – and then we ‘double
take’ back to look at the Quoting Wikipedia –
There, hidden amongst the various protuberances on the back of the bridge tower,
fastened to the hull with a grappler, is the Century Hawk.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
FLOID is lying back in his chair, smirking.
FLOID
Like I said, I still had one trick up my sleeve.
KILNGIRL
(shaking her head)
And you dumped those spare parts to
make them think it was debris from us
being destroyed?
FLOID
We nearly damn well were.
No wonder they bought it.
C-LEO
Are you sure they can’t see us here?
FLOID
Their sensors can’t tell the difference between
us and the hull. Not many sensor arrays here
on the back of the garbage hatchway.
C-LEO
What about visually?
FLOID
Why do you ask?
C-LEO points. FLOID follows his gaze and curses to see that there’s a whole
observation lounge on the back of the bridge tower, with many officers sitting
down at dining tables, all of whom have just dropped their forks and are staring
at them.
FLOID
Dammit!
That wasn’t there on the Mark One ITD!
KILNGIRL
What are you going to do about it?
FLOID
Chewy?
Project those naked pictures of the Emperor
I got for blackmail purposes onto the outer hull.
CHEWY
If you say so…
He hits a switch and we vaguely see a TV-screen type projection on the hull of
the Century Hawk. The Imperials in the lounge stare at them, let out screams,
then grab their forks off their tables and begin stabbing themselves in the eyes
with them.
FLOID
(satisfied)
No more visual evidence.
KILNGIRL shakes her head in disbelief.
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
Focus on MOLOBO’s face as, with bulging eyes, he collapses to the floor.
GAYDAR looks dispassionately at the body, lowering his hand.
GAYDAR
Apology accepted, Captain Molobo.
GAYDAR turns to find DIAMOND standing there, looking scornfully at a group of
bounty hunters with mismatched equipment standing on the bridge. They include:
BULGA ROKTONOS, wearing ManDeLorean battle armour; BENEDICT-17, in a futuristic
Swiss Guard uniform with an electrified halberd; and LEEJ, a reptilian alien
wearing a strange suit of space armour with black and white vertical stripes.
All of them are holding a variety of very large guns.
DIAMOND
Bounty hunters. We don’t need their scum.
GAYDAR
I will be the judge of that, Admiral Diamond.
Captain Molobo failed to bring in the Century Hawk,
so I must resort to other measures.
DIAMOND
But he said the ship was destroyed.
GAYDAR
The Innuendo never lies.
Perhaps they cloaked, or managed to hyperlink away,
but they remain alive. I can feel them.
(intensely)
And I shall POSSESS them!
DIAMOND gulps and rolls his eyes as GAYDAR turns to the bounty hunters.
GAYDAR
A substantial reward for whoever recovers the
Century Hawk and her crew – INTACT.
And no killing each other on my time, either.
The bounty hunters look at each other, a bit disappointed.
BULGA ROKTONOS
Understood.
BENEDICT-17
As you wish.
LEEJ
Why aye, man!
The bounty hunters turn and leave, barging into each other on purpose as they
do. GAYDAR sighs.
EXT. – GAY-O-BAR
We see a montage of scenes of KITJED23 training LUAKEL:
…
LUAKEL is jogging up and down the bleak concrete streets in his flightsuit, with
KITJED23 on his back wearing a serene expression.
KITJED23
Do not fight it.
Feel the Innuendo FLOW through you!
LUAKEL
Oh, that’s the Innuendo is it?
I wondered…
KITJED23
You are learning, boyo.
…
LUAKEL is juggling a collection of brightly coloured rubber balls, frowning with
concentration. KITJED23 watches on, his expression considering and critical.
LUAKEL suddenly loses concentration and drops two of them to the floor, where
they bounce away.
LUAKEL
Dang it! I knew my balls were
going to drop one of these days,
but I didn’t think they’d hit the ground!
KITJED23
(writing in a notebook)
Need to be less blatant,
but a nice recovery.
…
LUAKEL is talking with KITJED23 over a makeshift campfire, while trying to keep
his Sexsword blade powered and rigid.
LUAKEL
But I’m worried, Master.
Doctor-What told me my father fell
to the Straight Side.
How shall I know it?
KITJED23
You will know, look you.
A true Kitjedi uses the Innuendo for
sleazy forum jokes and flirting with male strippers,
NEVER for a laugh with your mates down at the pub.
LUAKEL
Is the Straight Side stronger?
KITJED23
Stronger? No.
Quicker, easier, more…seductive? Yes.
LUAKEL bites his lip, looking uncertain. KITJED23 adopts a decisive expression
and gets to his feet, then points to a door across the deserted street.
KITJED23
Do you see this?
LUAKEL
Yeah…
The door is topped with a flickering neon sign saying "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS
SEX SEX SEX".
LUAKEL
It feels…wrong.
KITJED23
(nodding)
This place is strong with the Straight Side.
In it you must go. Then you will understand.
LUAKEL
(shivering)
What’s in it?
KITJED23
Only what you bring with you.
LUAKEL nods, picks up his Sexsword, walks towards the door.
KITJED23
You won’t need your weapon.
LUAKEL gives him a long look, then shakes his head and continues onward.
KITJED23 sighs.
INT. – GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS SEX SEX SEX CLUB
It is dark and mysterious inside. LUAKEL walks around anxiously for a bit, then
powers on his Sexsword and uses the glow to look. He finds the base of a metal
pole, follows it up, then leaps back with a cry of alarm when he finds the
skeleton of a long dead pole dancer still wrapped around it. He backs away
towards a wall, then frowns: the wall seems to have vanished. The whole place
has become a huge, dark, vague cavern.
LUAKEL is about to open his mouth, but then he hears a snap-hiss and spins
around.
There, wielding a green Sexsword, is DARTH GAYDAR!
GAYDAR slashes at LUAKEL with his Sexsword, but LUAKEL manages to block it. They
exchange blows for a few moments, and then LUAKEL, his anger building, manages
to drive a slash through. He decapitates GAYDAR!
The helmet bounces to the floor and lies there. Then the faceplate explodes to
reveal behind it…
A hand giving him the finger.
LUAKEL stares at his Sexsword in horror: it has turned green, evil.
LUAKEL screams.
EXT. – GAY-O-BAR
KITJED23 hears the scream and nods grimly to himself.
…
Much later, KITJED23 and LUAKEL are both sitting in the sewage plant, tossing
chunks of concrete from one to the other, and practicing levitating them.
LUAKEL
I think I’m getting the hang of this.
KITJED23
Ah?
LUAKEL
Sorry – I meant,
"I think I’m getting a handle on this."
KITJED23
Better, look you.
PAULSPRING-D2 suddenly trundles around one of the vats, looking anxious.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep bleeble bleep bleep!
LUAKEL
WHAT?!
LUAKEL scrambles up the side of the vat – KITJED23 joins him – and we see
that his Sex-Wing is sinking into the vat.
LUAKEL
Oh no!
Now I’ll never get it out!
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeep bleep bleep!
(projecting the words)
Don’t be such a pessimist!
KITJED23
Your little political friend is right for once.
It cannot be done? Truly?
LUAKEL
I’ll…have a go.
KITJED23
Do not have a go!
This is not BBC regional news!
Just do it!
LUAKEL nods, stretches out an arm, closes his eyes, sweats with the effort.
LUAKEL
(in falsetto voice)
Ooh…look at how the big long hard thing
rises out of the pool of sticky liquid…
The Sex-Wing slowly begins to rise, a little, but then collapses back into the
vat. LUAKEL falls to his knees, exhausted.
LUAKEL
I can’t do it, it’s too big.
KITJED23
Hah! Size matters not!
(a pause)
Girth, on the other hand…
LUAKEL
I can’t do it!
KITJED23
No you cannot.
But the Innuendo can.
KITJED23 stretches out a hand and, with one swift movement, the Sex-Wing comes
flying out of the tank and lands softly on the concrete floor. LUAKEL’s eyes
widen.
LUAKEL
I…I don’t believe it…
KITJED23
If I wanted Victor Meldrew as an apprentice,
I’d have put that in the bloody application form!
~~~
EXT. – SPACE – IMPERIAL FLEET
As before. The three remaining Thread Destroyers and the Overcompensator drift
through space near the asteroid field.
Cut to a view of the back of the Quoting Wikipedia’s bridge tower: the Century
Hawk is still there.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
The crew are looking anxious.
KILNGIRL
Now what?
CHEWY
If they follow standard Imperial
procedure, they’ll dump their
rubbish before they leave.
FLOID
(breezily)
And we just float away with it.
KILNGIRL
Oh, joy.
C-LEO studies the radar screen.
C-LEO
I say! Captain Floid!
The fleet is beginning to break up!
FLOID
Good. That’s our signal.
Prepare to disengage landing claw, Chewy.
CHEWY nods and walks into the back of the cockpit, C-LEO following him.
KILNGIRL
So what’s our next move?
FLOID
I’ll have to find a nearby system
we can reach to get some repairs.
KILNGIRL
But without FTL, it’d take years to
reach another star system!
FLOID
Dammit woman, if it never occurred to
Lucas in the original, I’m not going to
let it bother me in the spoof!
KILNGIRL
Oh, very well.
FLOID studies a map.
FLOID
Now…this is interesting…
Domino…
KILNGIRL
The Domino system?
FLOID
(shaking his head)
Domino’s not a system, he’s a man.
Domino Novussian.
He’s a bit of a ladies’ man…
(winks at her)
Though not in my league, obviously.
KILNGIRL
| 
