Twinkly glockenspiel music…
Thande Pictures logo in gunmetal grey surrounded by stormclouds, lightning, rain
and the President of Azerbaijan
EXT. – ABOVE OHIO – NIGHT
The stormclouds surrounding the logo slowly merge into other stormclouds
gathering over the bleak landscape of Ohio. Flashes of lightning illuminate the
scene as we zoom down across streets filled with cars, their headlights lighting
up the nearby boxy houses and the waving tattered U.S. flags with thirteen
stripes and fifty stars.
Faster and faster, the camera view zooms down the street, almost to the street
level, and then, as the twinkly glockenspiel music reaches a crescendo, we shoot
up and through a window into a house –
INT. – LUAKY COMMER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
LUAKY COMMER, now aged thirteen, is sitting at his eighteenth-century mahogany
desk, at his modern computer, and is slowly tapping out a report. In the
background, we can see a gold plate of unfinished caviar lying next to an
original copy of Mein Kampf und Oder Stories signed by the author. There
is a bookmark, which appears to be made from dodo skin.
I wish I wasn’t so desperately deprived…
Still, soon I’ll be going back to AH.com
School of Alternate History!
Now, I just have to get back to this jolly
exciting homework report.
He hunches back over the keyboard, pauses, and then glances up at the camera and
Isn’t it awfully clever and post-modernly
ironic that I actually like school and
Cut to – EXT. – OCCUPIED WEST BANK, RAMALLAH – DAY
At Palestinian Authority headquarters, the President, ABU TIELHARD, glances up
angrily and adjusts the commemorative Charles and Di teatowel on his head. In
the background, explosions can be heard.
I find that comment racially insulting
and I shall take it to the highest court of appeal.
He sits down and begins to write a letter in backwards Arabic.
(speaking out loud to himself)
Dear Sir, I was outraged and astonished
to discover that the young people of this
Cut back to - INT. – LUAKY’S BEDROOM – DAY
LUAKEL is still tapping away on his computer, and now he’s speaking out
loud to himself.
Middle ages…persecution of Althistorians…
Particularly stringent in the Inevitable Kingdom
of Burgundy, in which those suspected of practicing
Althistory were forced to stare at the country’s
unnecessarily complex flag until their minds imploded…
As he types, we hear a door banging from below.
LUAKEL hastily touches his forehead with one hand and his bottom with the other,
then nods to himself in relief.
(only then does he reply)
Yes, Uncle Ward?
The door opens and WARD, glaring and wearing a military uniform, stamps in.
Behind him, looking worried, is CHINGO360.
You’d better not have forgotten about
the boys coming here today!
No, Uncle Ward.
i dont like them.
they dont like feudal lands…
Shut up, Chingo.
(turns back to LUAKEL)
And do you remember where
you’ve been all year?
Yes, Uncle Ward.
St Judas’ Mental Institute
For the Terminally N00bish.
Why can’t you just tell them
where I really was?
Have you any idea how taboo
Althistory is among Vietnam vets?
Now get back to getting ready.
(smiles to himself)
All those lovely slideshows to look forward to…
LUAKEL and CHINGO exchange a look of horror as WARD leaves.
EXT. – BLEAK LANDSCAPE – NIGHT
Clearly a land far away from the United States, although the weather is similar.
As before, flashes of lightning illuminate the darkness. We focus on what looks
like a border customs post, with a wire fence going off in both directions. A
flag waves on either side; on one side, it is a flag with horizontal stripes of
red, blue and orange; on the other, it is a flag with blue, red and green
horizontal stripes and a crescent moon and star on the red stripe.
As we watch, a group of serious-looking uniformed men hurry down the latter side
of the fence, waving powerful flashlights. Some of them have rifles slung under
Suddenly one of the soldiers stops and aims his flashlight at the fence.
(for it is he)
Mein Hauptmann! It is here!
The captain, STEFFEN, pauses and looks along the beam of SUSANO’s flashlight. It
clearly illuminates a huge gash torn in the fence. Torn with terrific violence,
and yet almost as though by an animal’s claws…
(to SUSANO, heavily)
Good work, Leutnant…
Glancing around on both sides of the fence, STEFFEN raises his radio to his
Mein General. A breach in the border
fence has been discovered.
The other German guards stare anxiously as STEFFEN listens to the reply. Their
faces are illuminated by their own flashlights and the flashes of lightning,
revealing that rain is still pouring down around them. Some begin to shiver.
(shuts down his radio)
It is decided.
The…other guards are to be sent out.
The Germans look at each other in horror.
What?! Is UNIALTHIST mad?!
Letting those…things free on civilised society?
I know. But the decision is out of our hands.
As he speaks, he begins to shake and then sneezes loudly in the cold. As he
opens his eyes again, he glances down to see that his flashlight has become a
flaming torch – as have those of the others. His uniform has also changed style.
He looks up at the flag on this side: the colours change order, and the crescent
and star melt and change to a cross, then a swastika, then a wheel, then a
Scheisse! An Althistorical leak!
We’d better get this hole patched up.
Then all we can do is…hope for the best.
Cut back to-
INT. – WARD’S HOUSE – DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The table holds the remains of a meal, which oddly appears to have mostly
consisted of field rations, and we see LUAKEL and CHINGO clearing away the
plates. The other men in the room keep giving LUAKEL funny looks: they consist
of SIONEWIG, NORBERT and GHOST 88. The room is dark, illuminated only by a
flickering slideshow projector.
And this is me during the Tet Offensive…
This is me, or most of me, after the Tet Offensive…
This is me posing with a statue of Ho Chi Minh…
this is Ho Chi Minh posing with a statue of me?
Bravo, bravo. Now how about letting the rest of
us get a look in with our slideshows?
Oh, all right.
They begin fiddling with the slideshow projector. As they do so, the camera
follows LUAKEL and CHINGO into the kitchen.
(shaking his head)
I can’t take much more of this!
All those slides are beginning to sap my life force!
(mournfully, setting down plates)
shall we run away to ah.com again?
that’d be way cool!
We can’t. We’d get into trouble with the
Althistorians and they’d send us back here.
that is so unfair.
LUAKEL is about to open his mouth to reply, when we hear a voice from the other
More nachos and grenades!
LUAKEL sighs, picks up a big bowl of mixed nachos and grenades, and takes it
into the room, setting it down next to WARD>
(chewing on a cigarette butt)
Stay. Learn something about real
history for a change.
LUAKEL sighs again, but obeys. After a few of SIONEWIG’s slides, he begins to
Wait a second…
These are exactly the same as your slides!
The other Vietnam vets tut and roll their eyes. We hear murmurs along the lines
of ‘He is terminally n00bish…’
(through gritted teeth)
No they are not. They are
entirely different and provide
a new and exciting perspective
on the war.
What new perspective, exactly?
My perspective was two feet to the left of Ward.
(points at the others)
Norbert’s was three feet to the right and two behind,
and Ghost 88’s was four feet to the left and one foot up.
He’s tall, you see. We were all in the same platoon.
You were all in the same platoon and yet
you all stopped to take slides?!
No wonder we lost the war…
None of your cheek, whippersnapper.
Now sit back and watch the damned slides.
LUAKEL sulks and stares at the clicking slides for a bit longer, boredom growing
in his face.
And this is me just about to tread on a mine
just south of Bangd Hed…
Subtly, LUAKEL tugs his Podder out of the sleeve of his shirt and makes a
certain gesture with it, resulting in a flicker of light.
And this is me…
avoiding stepping on the mine?
This is me marching through the streets of Hanoi?
This is me helping to tear down a statue of Ho Chi Minh?
This is me fighting alongside the Republic of China forces
as they invaded the mainland and retook it from Mao?
The other VETS look in confusion at each other, except WARD, who glares
incandescently at LUAKEL.
HAVE YOU BEEN TINKERING WITH HISTORY AGAIN?!!
(hastily hides his Podder)
Get your head out of your ass and into my guillotine!
LUAKEL dodges the first shot from WARD’s pistol, as the other VETS realise
what’s happening and open up. Hastily, he runs out of the room, up the stairs
and into his own room. He quickly tosses everything into his trunk, which he
then taps his Podder on. The trunk obediently rears up on countless little legs,
all of which are wearing rollerskates.
(glancing at the camera)
Gotta move with the times, y’know?
LUAKEL gets on top of his trunk and the whole thing slides and skitters its way
along the landing and then collapses down the stairs, slamming into the VETS
waiting there at the bottom and knocking them flying.
(the breath knocked out of him)
Wait till I get my hands on you…!
(with mock cheer)
See you next year!
The trunk slides its way towards the front door and out onto the path. From
behind LUAKEL we hear running steps.
luaky! dont leave me here alone!
take me as well!
Um…no, Chingo. I’m already
in trouble, I don’t want to get you
in it as well.
(upset, but nods)
gee ur so noble!
(a bit guiltily)
The trunk slides away down the dark street, leaving CHINGO behind.
EXT. – DARK STREET, OHIO – NIGHT
LUAKEL pauses in the sodium glow of a streetlight, three or four blocks away
from WARD’s house. The trunk gratefully collapses back onto its bottom, resting
Okay…take stock. I’ve got all my stuff,
my trunk, and myself. And nowhere to go
or any way to go to it.
And I don’t think Otler transport-ation
will take these.
He pulls a sheaf of mixed banknotes out of his pocket. They clearly include C.S.
brownbacks, Imperial Mexican notes, British white fivers with swastikas and
sealion symbols stamped on top, etc. He sighs and puts them away.
What can I do? I-
We hear a growl from behind him.
Well, I could always get eaten by a bear.
LUAKEL spins around, yanking out his Podder and slashing it down as he brings it
up. There is a terrific BANG! and a flash of white light that briefly
illuminates a bear-like dark shape with sharp teeth in front of him, but then
Blinking, LUAKEL looks around. A giant red Routemaster double-decker bus has
just materialised before him. All along the sides are adverts for the musicals "SEQUOYAH!",
"EVITA" (with a picture of Eva Braun), and "THE PRODUCERS" (with a
picture showing British soldiers marching in the shape of a Union Jack and
singing ‘Springtime for Churchill and Engerland!)
The door to the Routemaster flicks open and a figure in a conductor’s uniform
looks out impatiently. His name badge indicates he is 1940LASALLE.
Well? Are you getting on or aren’t you?
You flagged us down, didn’t you?
LUAKEL follows his gaze and stares at his Podder, where he brought it down in an
arc near the edge of the kerb.
Well…yeah, I suppose so…
Get on, then!
LUAKEL shrugs and, 1940LASALLE helping him with his trunk, obeys.
INT. – ROUTEMASTER BUS – NIGHT
The bus appears perfectly normal, save that the advertising posters are for
products not of our timeline. Sitting in the driver’s seat is THE DEAN, eating a
spam sandwich. The bus is almost empty. LUAKEL takes a seat near the front.
(glancing at LUAKEL)
Where you going, sonny?
Well – I suppose I’d better
go to Coincident Alley – but
surely you don’t go as far as
1940LASALLE and THE DEAN both laugh.
Sonny, this is the Routemaster. We go
anywhere, anywhen, and any…uh…timeline.
As he speaks, THE DEAN yanks a huge lever, there’s another BANG! and
flash of white light, and when it clears the windows are no longer looking out
on OTL Ohio in the middle of a dark thunderstorm. Instead, the view outside is
of late morning, a wide street occupied mainly by steam-powered cars, and the
skies are filled with airships. Clouds of steam are everywhere. LUAKEL stares at
the steampunk world for a while, then coughs in embarrassment, goes red and
carefully adjusts his pants.
So, Coincident Alley?
That’ll be ten bucks, eight shillings and quatre centimes.
LUAKEL carefully sorts through his mixed currency and hands the notes and coins
to 1940LASALLE, who puts them in his machine and then prints out a ticket, which
Thanks. So how long will it take?
Couple of hours, maybe a bit less.
We’ve got a few stops left.
Here, read the paper while you’re on.
1940LASALLE hands him a fat newspaper, ‘The Underground’. LUAKEL glances at the
front page and shudders. Although it is a normal frozen photograph, the prison
mugshot on the front depicts a frightening, criminal face with wild hair and
Where’ve you been for the past twenty years?
I’m, erm, Otler-born.
He sits down on the next set of seats; as he does so, there’s another BANG!
and the view outside changes to an underwater one, with fish and submarines
It’s Serious Matt. He’s broken out
of Azerbaijan. They said it couldn’t be done.
Sure, don’t you know the story?
It all began back in 1918…
EXT. – CAUCASUS – SEPIA TONES (FLASHBACK)
We see Turkish soldiers with fezzes on escorting huge columns of refugees across
rocky terrain and desert.
The Ottoman government wanted to cover
up for the Armenian genocide…
One of the soldiers, ABDUL HADI PASHA, glares up at the camera.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
There WAS no genocide!
…and so they shifted the population of
Azerbaijan into empty Armenia to cover it up.
But that left Azerbaijan empty. We Althistorians
contacted the Ottoman government through our
friends in the Brotherhood of the Tommy Cooper
ABDUL HADI PASHA pulls open his shirt, revealing the tattoo there, and winks.
…and they allowed us to buy Azerbaijan. Since then
the entire country has been converted into a prison
for Althistorical criminals, far too dangerous to trust
to the Otler police. Of course, as far as the Otlers are
concerned, Azerbaijan is still just another country,
and all the infrastructure is still there, but it’s a sham
maintained by the United Nations Alternate History taskforce,
UNALTHIST. The most dangerous prisoner of all is kept
in the old palace in Baku, and so he’s nicknamed the
President of Azerbaijan.
The sepia dissolves and we go back to the Routemaster, with LUAKEL hanging on
THE DEAN’s every word.
And the current President of Azerbaijan…
Was this Serious Matt?
Yes. He’s a former US Marine,
a lethal killing machine.
Hey, I rhymed!
He killed 13 people and a dog, you know.
Any of us could be next.
(slapping him on the back)
Yeah, still, you know the rumours.
He wants to kill Luaky Commer before
anyone else, so that should protect us for a bit, eh?
EXT./INT. – MONTAGE OF DIFFERENT SCENES – DAY
We see the Routemaster banging and flashing its way between many timelines,
including floating along beside Greek triremes, flying through space amid laser
blasts, and driving along the deck of a Habbakuk iceberg supercarrier. Focus on
LUAKEL – he seems almost unmoved by all the spectacular stuff outside, and keeps
staring at the newspaper and the terrifying picture of Serious Matt.
He drags on the handbrake. The windows flash and BANG! once more, and we’re in
London, Ontario, OTL.
Or at least it looks that way. LUAKEL gets up and is about to get off, when
1940LASALLE grabs him and points admonishingly to a flagpole. LUAKEL looks and
sees that it’s flying the red ensign instead of the maple leaf flag.
He twiddles a knob, pulls the choke out and pushes the cigarette lighter in.
There’s another flash and BANG!, and then the scene is unchanged save for the
fact that the flag has changed to the OTL one. 1940LASALLE releases LUAKEL.
There you go.
He gets off, and 1940LASALLE helps him down with his trunk.
By the way, what did you say your name was?
Oh, Luaky Commer.
Yeah, and I’m Elvis Presley.
LUAKEL shakes his head and walks away with his trunk following. THE DEAN glares
What have I said about concealing
our true identities?!
1940LASALLE shrugs and takes off his conductor’s hat to reveal a quiff beneath,
while THE DEAN does the same and puts on a pair of thick glasses.
Just get us back to the Fifties.
I’ve got a gig in Nashville. You?
Some place called Clearlake,
but after that, I’m retiring and
going to work on improving public
(shaking his head)
THE DEAN yanks on a lever and the Routemaster vanishes with a bang and a flash.
EXT. – LONDON, ONTARIO – COINCIDENT ALLEY – DAY
LUAKEL walks through a broken-down wall to find himself in COINCIDENT ALLEY, a
lane of shops with Althistorical themes. Things look pretty much as they have in
previous years, with J. Diamond’s bookstore at the centre of attention. Kids are
buying "cotton candy" from a man in a grey uniform, and the candyfloss is dyed
with a Confederate flag and the stick has a built-in MP3 player that plays
‘Dixie’. Airships are visible overhead.
(sighs with relief)
Back where I belong.
He’s about to take another step forward, when a hand closes on his shoulder.
Some Things To Consider…
Consider that we’re Very Glad to have
Found You Now.
LUAKEL turns to find himself face to face with MR_ BONDOC, who is accompanied by
two Secret Service-looking guards.
Come with Me, Luaky.
Uncertainly, LUAKEL follows him and the guards into a pub.
INT. – THE BLUE AND GREY PUB – DAY
MR_ BONDOC sits down at a table in the Civil War-themed pub and LUAKEL joins
him. The guards stand guard.
Um, am I in trouble for using
unauthorised PODs at my uncle’s house?
Oh, Not At Alll.
Many Young People such as Yourself
are prone to Bending the Rules.
I’m just Glad to see you’re Ali- I mean, Here.
Is this about Serious Matt?
(draws back a bit)
Oh, So You’ve Heard.
Well, we are taking Every Possible Precaution.
The Department for Althistory has succeeded
in gaining, from UNALTHIST, permission for the
Azerbaijan Guards to operate here and
bring Matt to justice.
Who exactly are these ‘Azerbaijan Guards’?
Ah, well, they’re-
Another hand is planted on LUAKEL’s shoulder.
Mine, I think, Mr Secretary.
LUAKEL turns to find a man in his late twenties who he hasn’t seen before, but
there is a certain family resemblance, and he’s wearing a vaguely military
uniform with a patch on it showing crossed pens: an Author.
Chris? Chris Canada?
(to MR_ BONDOC)
Sir, Luaky here was appointed several
months ago to do a summer work
placement with me.
But Surely you must Realise
that in the Present Situation, we must
(cutting him off)
Look, I’ll take him on lots of dangerous
missions. It’s the last thing Matt will be expecting.
I shall Consider it.
Come with me, Luaky.
Even more uncertainly, LUAKEL follows CHRIS deeper into the pub, into one of the
rented rooms, leaving MR_ BONDOC and the guards behind. CHRIS opens the door,
they go in, he shuts it behind them, and then he relaxes.
Sorry about that. You have to know
how to deal with old Bondoc.
(he twirls his finger at his ear)
You know, you were supposed to start
with me two days ago.
I know, but Ward wouldn’t let me go.
Fair enough. I’d have had to bust you
out of there anyway, at least this
saves me a job.
"me" he says, as though muggins
here wouldn’t have got stuck with it…
OTHNIEL, looking a bit sour, comes out from behind a pile of equipment. He too
brightens when he sees LUAKEL.
Luaky! How have your
So-so. We won the lottery, but
being ‘career poor’, my dad blew it
all on replica gaskets from 1970s
Austin Mini Metros.
Say, didn’t you have that house-troll
following you around last time?
Raddy? Don’t remind me.
Fortunately, I managed to get rid of him.
Well, we devised an unnecessarily
CHRIS and OTHNIEL nod in approval.
EXT. – FLASHBACK – SEPIA
LUAKEL, WARD and CHINGO on a stage playing in a rock band - WARD on bass, CHINGO
on drums, LUAKEL on lead guitar. RADICAL_NEUTURAL capers about on the stage. We
hear female screams and LUAKEL grins at the audience.
yay tihs si fnu yuo fcukin carkcheads!1
A pair of knickers flies from the audience and lands on RADICAL_NEUTURAL’s head,
obscuring his vision. He pulls them off, then stares at them in rapture.
yay teh fnagrils gvae raddy cloths!
nwo eh msut sreve teh afngirsl 4eva!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL dives into the audience. The screams rapidly turn from cheering
to something else. LUAKEL wipes his brow in relief.
Cut back to –
INT. – BLUE AND GREY PUB – ROOM – DAY
What about that DominaNova you
were going out with, Oth?
Well, it didn’t work out.
She ran off with a man who could
better meet her needs.
INT. – FLASHBACK – SEPIA
Somewhere in a laboratory/dungeon in the AH.com castle. In the background, we
can see THANDE and TORQUMADA locked out, glaring in and fiddling with the door.
In the foreground is a complex lab bench with bubbling flasks and condensers. A
flicker of light illuminates DOCTOR WHAT in mad scientist mode. He cackles,
lifts a test tube and drinks it down, then smacks his lips thoughtfully.
(shakes his head)
Needs more Bacardi Breezer.
It shall be completed soon, dear lady.
DOMINANOVA steps out.
Good. Soon I too shall be complete!
Remind me why you want a male clone of
yourself again? Are you going to transfer
your consciousness back into a male body?
Don’t be absurd. I want a male clone of
myself because only I am handsome enough
to be good enough for me!
DOMINANOVA takes out a mirror and sighs over herself.
Are you sure you don’t want another female clone…?
The mirror flies past, hits DOCTOR WHAT on the head and shatters. Dazedly, he
falls to the floor.
Seven years’ bad luck.
Agh! I’ve just broken a nail!
Cut back to –
INT. – THE BLUE AND GREY PUB – ROOM – DAY
LUAKEL nods, while OTHNIEL looks sad with reminiscence. CHRIS rubs his hands
Anyway! I exaggerated a bit for Bondoc,
Luaky. Just come with me on a couple
of missions and we’ll call it even.
Where are we going?
(twinkle in his eye)
Ah, well, the thing about being
an Author is, you never know
until it happens…
As he speaks, his pager flashes red and beeps. CHRIS frowns and stares at it.
A number twenty-six.
They’re so common these days…
What’s a number twenty-six?
It’s in the book, one moment…
OTHNIEL begins turning out his pockets, looking for his Authoring guide, but
CHRIS stops him.
Never mind, Luaky should have
one of his own anyway.
CHRIS pulls out a fountain pen and a stack of paper. He puts the pen to the
paper, sets his tongue at the corner of his mouth, and then the pen begins
blurring with speed and bits of paper fly everywhere. Smoke rises from the paper
as page after page is written at incredible velocity. CHRIS’ eyes zip back and
forth over the paper but he remains otherwise steady.
Although each page flies off as soon as it is written, by a complex combination
of acrobatics and origami, they all seem to shoot around and through each other
before binding themselves in midair. Finally CHRIS reaches out with a stapler
and fastens the whole book together, then hands it to LUAKEL, panting slightly.
Think I’ll need a new cartridge soon.
LUAKEL, unbelieving, takes the book and begins flipping through it.
(finally pulls a book from his pocket)
My way’s faster.
LUAKEL opens the book and runs his finger down the page.
Number twenty-six… ‘a case of
a rogue writer tinkering with his
earlier good works to make them
as bad as his later awful ones…’
Got it in one, Luaky. Let’s go!
CHRIS fiddles with his fountain pen and it grows to enormous size. Holding it
like a sword, he draws huge concentric swirls in midair, leaving a line of
golden light. He swirls it around and around in a circle, creating a burning
ring in midair, and then, as though cutting through ice or glass, he taps the
middle of the ring and it ‘falls out’, leaving a portal to another world.
CHRIS dives through the portal. With only slight hesitation, OTHNIEL and LUAKEL
go after him.
INT. – DUSTY CANTINA – DAY
The atmosphere is very different. It’s a hot, dry, dusty cantina somewhere, and
the clientele include aliens. LUAKEL looks around in disbelief, but CHRIS just
ducks into an alcove and waits. The others follow him.
Any moment now…
Hey, that guy looks like our caretaker!
And, indeed, it is FLOID sitting opposite a green-skinned alien and looking
Yeah, but this time I actually do have the money.
Give it to me and I might…forget I found you.
I don’t have it on me!
Santa’s through with you.
FLOID slowly reaches for his gun under the table.
I’ve been looking forward to killing you.
I bet you have.
Wait for it…
As he speaks, the scene suddenly grinds to a stop, with everyone frozen. Another
portal opens and a familiar figure dressed in a director’s beret comes through.
Not the professor.
Now to ensure that Kidblast shoots first,
so Floid is a squeaky-clean hero character
and loses all his hard done by rebel antihero
qualities that made him such a popular
character in the first place!
(grins madly to himself)
THANDE pulls out a big pen of his own and is about to draw another blaster bolt
coming from KIDBLAST’s gun –
THANDE freezes and then spins around.
You’ve fallen afoul of the law again…old friend.
You’re interfering with my artistic rights!
Not thanks to the Act to Preserve
An AH.com Wars Worth Watching
came into force.
Are you going to come quietly?
What do you think?
CHRIS steps out of the shadows and he and THANDE start circling each other
warily, both their pens waving, trying to find a weak spot.
This is a Parker Slimline Calligraphy 2000,
the most powerful fountain pen in the world.
Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, after drawing
all those portals, do I have enough ink left?
And, y’know, I kinda lost track myself?
So, ask yourself – do you feel lucky?
There is no luck, only the Innuendo!
Suddenly both pens blur with speed. CHRIS draws up a group of Americans in power
armour, THANDE draws up some Imperial Porntroopers, and they begin fighting.
Both Authors continue to draw up more and more soldiers and weapons, but they
seem evenly matched.
We’ve got to do something!
Well, what if this guy is like our Thande…
OTHNIEL nods. As we watch, CHRIS is suddenly knocked off balance and falls
backward as the attack of one of THANDE’s FURRIES gets through.
Killed by an Ewok analogue, the shame…
THANDE advances over CHRIS, drawing his fountain pen up for a killing stroke.
Sad that it must end this way…old friend.
Yorkshire Yorkshire Yorkshire
Chemistry Chemistry Chemistry
THANDE’s head whips around as he is distracted, and there’s a "THUNK!" THANDE
looks down in horror to find that CHRIS’ fountain pen nib is stuck in his side
and blood is welling up around it.
THANDE manages to pull back and yanks CHRIS’ pen from the wound. Sagging, he
uses his own pen to write the words ‘BANDAGES’ and ‘TOURNIQUETS’ and begins
applying them when they come into existence.
We shall meet again!
He totters backward and falls into his own portal, which vanishes.
(glances at the younger pair)
You did good, boys. Now let’s
have a bloody big slap-up feast.
EXT. – WASHINGTON DC – WHITE HOUSE – DAY
The typical view of the White House as ‘the Star-Spangled Banner’ plays in the
background. A careful look at the flag waving atop the house reveals that it
keeps shifting and changing: many Althistorians under one roof.
INT. – WHITE HOUSE – OFFICE – DAY
Not the Oval Office, but a more minor one. MR_ BONDOC is seated at his desk and
surrounded by advisors and lieutenants. On the walls are photographs of past
Secretaries of Althistory, which appear to include a Franklin Roosevelt standing
easily on his own two feet, a Joe McCarthy wearing a military hat with a red
star on it, and a female J. Edgar Hoover…or perhaps not.
As we watch, an angry DAVE HOWERY slams down his fist next to MR_ BONDOC’s
little American flag and Rubik’s cube: they leap into the air, the cube solving
itself and the flag’s number of stars altering.
You can’t possibly be considering this!
My daughter is at that school!
Consider that we have considered All The Options.
(half to himself)
There is No Alternative.
Another figure steps out of the darkness, smiling to himself. It’s GRIMM REAPER.
Need I remind you, General Howery,
that I too have a son at that school?
…although not for much longer if that bastard Commer keeps going the way he
And I agree with the Secretary.
There is no other way to be sure.
(grumbling to himself)
Sure there’ll be a fubar, maybe…
As he speaks, a long shadow falls upon the room and darkness, monochrome, seems
to pervade it. Everyone looks up and most people quail slightly at the tall,
unseen figure looming over them.
(now in black and white)
You have Your Orders.
Consider that you may Go!
The darkness retreats, with a faint slurping sound. Everyone shudders, even
INT. – THE BLUE AND GREY PUB – NIGHT
CHRIS, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are seated around a big table, munching away on a
great Thanksgiving-style feast. As we watch (from a distant perspective),
they clink glasses and drink a toast.
Pan slowly around the room to reveal a blackboard at the side…
RUSSIA THEME NIGHT
And below in smaller letters
(that’s Russia from the Peshawar Lancers timeline)
Close up. OTHNIEL munching cheerfully away on a lightly broiled human hand,
while CHRIS is drinking a glass of suspiciously red and sticky wine. LUAKEL
looks a bit uncertain.
So this is all mocked up
from pork or something, then?
Of course, Luaky.
Well, long pig, maybe…
CHRIS gets up and carves the roast, which is an unfortunate baked n00b with an
apple shoved into his mouth.
(producing his BlackBerry)
Oh, by the way. We got our
AH.com emails this afternoon.
LUAKEL pulls out his own BlackBerry and checks.
Hmm, looks like a more interesting
book list for Da Fence Against the Ark Darts…
Doesn’t say who the teacher is though.
Still, anyone’s better than Dominus Novus.
Oh, I wouldn’t say that…
(snaps back to reality)
Pass the Soylent Green, will you?
LUAKEL hands him a big snack bowl full of the green flakes; OTHNIEL takes a
handful, stuffs them in his mouth like popcorn and his eyes roll back in ecstacy.
We’d better go shopping for the stuff tomorrow, then.
(spraying bits of Soylent Green)
Yeah, yeah. If that’s OK with you, bro.
Sure. I’m spending out that morning
doing a favour for someone at the
Library of Alexandria, anyway.
Copying out the entire library before
it’s burned down. Of course I’ve only
got the morning free, but I’ll have to think
of something else to do between eleven and noon.
CHRIS walks away, humming to himself. LUAKEL shakes his head.
EXT. – COINCIDENT ALLEY – DAY
In a rapid montage we see LUAKEL and OTHNIEL walk along the Alley, carrying huge
plastic carrier bags that bulge ever bigger with each shop they go into.
Phew! That was a lot of books!
Did you see if anyone slipped a copy
of a diary containing a memory of
Mike Collins in it, into one of ours?
How many times have I told you,
Luaky, the bad guys never use the
same plan twice?
They pause for ice creams at a stand run by BASILEUS, then go on further to an
electrical emporium, where countless faces are pressed to the glass. The reason
for this becomes apparent as they get nearer.
(almost drops his bags in surprise)
That’s the Dyson SuperSuck XVII,
the fastest vacuum cleaner in the world!
LUAKEL stares at the sleek vacuum with a lightning bolt logo down the side.
I bet that makes News Posting more exciting.
Er, we are still playing News Posting, aren’t we?
Why, of course. It’s only on leap years when the
moon is in the House of Plotdeviceius that we
Althistorians decide to all sponteously change our sporting obsessions.
They continue walking, buying more things, when a voice is heard:
By the Mandaeans!
(not turning to look)
A sun-tanned LEO CAESIUS weighed down by a truly ridiculous number of books
appears, looking tired but grinning.
How have you been?
So-so. We won the lottery but-
Well, I spent the summer exploring a newly
discovered pyramid in the Valley of De Nile,
and the things I found there, well…
You wouldn’t believe.
They wouldn’t by any chance be proof
that the Old Kingdom of Egypt civilisation
was in fact founded by the Mandaeans, despite
the fact that they didn’t exist until centuries later?
How did you know that?
There were other things, too. Quite unusual things…
As he speaks, both OTHNIEL and then LUAKEL suddenly jump up in surprise and
begin looking around.
Hey, what was that?!/Something rubbing around my legs!
That’s my ghost of a mummified cat that I rescued.
Its origin and purpose still a total mystery.
Riiight…so you’ve got no qualms about
reawakening a curse or something?
The pyramid was clearly built by the Mandaeans,
the word itself even comes from the Neo-Mandaic
pirra-myde, or ‘big triangular thing that cost
a lot to build’. And surely you’re not suggesting that
the Mandaeans have ever done anything negative
to anyone in the world, ever?
(avoiding his gaze)
Why the ghost of a cat, anyway?
Why not just buy a real cat?
Well, the cat at first looks as though it’s going
to be an important plot point but then later comes
to nothing, so our director decided to save money.
Well, just as you keep him away from my
old family pet, er…
OTHNIEL starts patting his pockets and then pales.
Where is he?
Well, the director foolishly forgot to introduce him
in the first film, so he doesn’t exist. Still, it would be
a bit unoriginal just to repeat the plot of the original film, eh?
Er…I suppose so…
The three of them walk off for more ice creams.
INT. – LONDON, ONTARIO STATION – DAY
As we have seen it before, the AH.com modern express train is pulled up at
London station’s hidden Platform 3.141592653589792… and the AH.com students are
saying goodbye to their parents and boarding.
A line of light appears in the air, traces a circle, and the centre is knocked
out to reveal a portal. OTHNIEL, LUAKEL and LEO all emerge. OTHNIEL turns around
Better than what Bondoc wanted –
He wanted to send you in a big cavalcade
of armoured cars and armed police…
Actually, that sounds kind of cool…
Anyway, sit tight, and I’ll give
you a call if I need you again.
The portal shrinks and vanishes. OTHNIEL turns and rejoins the others.
He’s a good sort, Chris.
Not like my other broth-
Even as he speaks, twin hands reach down and muss his hair.
(through gritted teeth)
As I was saying…
LUAKEL grins at the twins, who seem to have grown a foot each over the holidays.
HERMANUBIS is wearing a motorbike jacket with the Michiganian flag on the back,
IMAJIN a matching one but with the incredibly complex Austro-Hungarian coat of
arms on the back.
Good to see you again, Luaky, Leo.
Don’t work too hard – ah, here he comes…
Pranky got elected Prom King, as well
as being kept on as a Perfect Prefect, so…
MERRYPRANKSTER enters. He is dressed conservatively as before, but is now
wearing a crown and keeps checking it in a small mirror. Every so often he taps
it with his Podder and the crown changes style. IMAJIN nods approvingly as it
briefly shifts to the crown of Austria.
Ah, Luaky, Leo, Oth…
One moment, what did you do
in between getting those ice creams
and coming here?!! I must interrogate
the director to plan out your movements
in infinitesimal detail!!
MERRYPRANKSTER flips his Podder and vanishes in a blur of smoke.
Hee. That got him.
Still, he’s getting good at the old
Cramming for his test.
(to the younger ones)
He wants to get a job with the
Overanalysis Division at the Department.
You know I heard him saying that
he wished Matt wasn’t caught for
another year so he could do it?
HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN both laugh, while the younger ones look worried.
Oh, don’t worry, lads.
Pranky brought home some of the AH.com plans…
They’ve sewn it up tighter than a…
(hastily checks the younger ones’ ages)
…erm, a very tight thing.
They’ve even got the, ahem
(makes quote marks in the air)
"Azerbaijan Guards" on guard duty.
And pay attention, Luaky, ’cause this
is the last time anyone will call them that!
The twins split up from the trio and they all board the train.
INT. – AH.COM TRAIN – DAY
LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL are walking frantically through the train, looking at
one filled compartment after another.
Knew we shouldn’t have waited to speak
to my immature brothers – now there
aren’t any seats left!
He nods at a compartment.
Three free in there.
Good heavens, there’s an adult in the corner!
Hmm, that’d make a good title for a farce…
I think he’s a teacher.
Doesn’t matter, he’s asleep.
Oh, all right.
The trio slide open the door and go in. The compartment is, indeed, empty save
for a man in the corner and the battered briefcase beside him on the floor. The
man is in his mid-thirties, but looks older, his features weathered by tough
times, and his light brown hair has streaks of grey that make him look
distinguished rather than old. He snores softly, and though he seems tired,
there is also an undefeated character to him.
The trio glance at him warily.
Who’s he, you reckon?
Professor I. Wolfe…
at least, that’s what it says on the briefcase.
They all look at the briefcase, proving LEO right. As they do so, the view
through the window begins to shift; the train is setting off.
Professor of what?
Da Fence Against Da Ark Darts?
It’s the only vacant post.
(looking at him doubtfully)
Looks like one Ark Dart would finish him off.
Best not to judge by appearance…
LUAKEL suddenly gets out his watch with one hand and a textbook with the other,
flipping through it.
Are you alright, Luaky?
Only I am supposed to do things like that!
Oh, I’m alright, Leo.
That line you just said, if I know my script…
(looking at book)
Ah, here we are. A spell – I mean POD –
to change a closed door into three piles of excrement…
LUAKEL flicks his Podder lackadaisically at the door, and as he does so, it
opens to reveal a sneering GBW, HIGHLANDER and EVOLVEDSAURIAN.
Well, whaddaya know, it worked.
(nodding at each other)
Well? Come to gloat about
your latest plan to destroy me, Bush?
(folding his arms calmly)
Not at all, Commer.
I simply wanted to wish you
a good year ahead and…
GBW plucks a canapé from a pocket and eats it slowly.
Have you seen the snack trolley yet?
For we all have.
So much…work has gone into their…preparation.
GBW smirks and retreats, his two henchmen coming with him. As he does so, the
trolley pulls up.
INT. – AH.COM TRAIN – CORRIDOR
GBW dashes around the corner, then stuffs his fist into his mouth and doubles
over with suppressed laughter. HIGHLANDER and EVOLVEDSAURIAN grin.
Think it worked, boss?
Yep, now they’ll think we’ve poisoned everything.
I wouldn’t have thought of it without Kilngirl’s birthday present…
He pulls out what at first looks like an ordinary New York workman’s cap circa
1920, but stretched over the top is a complex assembly of flashing circuit
boards, Newton’s Cradle-like clicking widgets, and twirling wheels and cranks
that emit whistles of steam.
That’s right; my Thinking Cap.
GBW puts on the cap and assumes a meditative expression, while HIGHLANDER hands
him a pipe and he chews on it thoughtfully.
Yes. Now, I had better go thank
Kilny in person…
And in my own…personal way.
HIGHLANDER and EVOLVEDSAURIAN exchange glances.
INT. – AH.COM TRAIN – COMPARTMENT – LATE AFTERNOON
The view outside is now of the American countryside, zipping past rapidly. The
teacher is still snoozing happily away. A hungry-looking LUAKEL and OTHNIEL
watch as LEO twizzles his Podder through a particularly complex twist and a meal
suddenly appears before them.
(begins shovelling it in)
LUAKEL follows suit, but glances at LEO.
So where’d this come from? What timeline?
Don’t worry, I didn’t steal anyone’s food.
I took it off an airship just before it crashed.
(laughs, spraying food everywhere)
An airship, crash? Don’t be ridiculous.
LUAKEL opens his mouth to reply –
And the light and colour begans to seep out of the scene.
The countryside outside slows and stops as we hear the sound of the train
grinding to a halt. The trio exchange worried looks.
There is a creaking sound from outside and dark shadows glide down the train’s
corridors. The scene is now dark and entirely in black and white.
(in a hiss)
Maybe if we’re lucky, they’ll-
One of the tall shadows pauses at their compartment door, and we hear the sound
of the doorknob turning. As it does so, the doorknob even on this side becomes
covered with frost and icicles, which slowly spreads across the whole door.
When have we ever been lucky?!
The door swings open, presenting them with a view of a tall, black hooded figure
with skeletal hands poking out of its sleeves, and a sense that all the joy and
happiness has been sucked out of the scene.
Oh no, a Nazgûl!
OTHNIEL viciously elbows him in the ribs.
What was that for??
(in a furious hiss)
Do you know how long the director
spent fiddling about with their description
from the book just so people WOULDN’T say that?!
(throws up his hands)
Oh, well I’m SO sorry!
The…thing looms threateningly over them. LUAKEL’s eyes widen in horror as the
blackness is about to envelop him. And then, with a high, cold voice, the dark
NOKIA 9582C @ 51$!!!
WE SELL IPOD X245 AT LESS THAN 92$!
REPUTABURBLE COMPANY REGISTERED IN 9623 THE QUEEN STREET, LONTON, ENGLANDIALAND!!
(eyes wide, screaming)
As he screams, though, in the corner, the snoozing TEACHER suddenly awakens with
a start. He surveys the scene with grey eyes and then gives a single sharp nod,
rising to his feet.
You! Listen to me!
The SHADOW, which was reaching for LUAKEL, pauses and turns.
You are not welcome here!
(waves his unicorn-horn-shaped Podder)
A wave of white light shoots out of his Podder and interposes itself between the
shadow and LUAKEL. The shadow recoils.
The shadow shakes its ‘head’ and turns, looming threateningly over OTHNIEL.
Oho? Well in that case…
(rolls up his sleeves and shouts)
A jet of brilliant rainbow light shoots out of his Podder, hits the shadow in
the middle and disintegrates it.
Immediately, the colour and light begins to seep back into the scene. LUAKEL and
OTHNIEL both look shaken, but LUAKEL seems worse off. LEO also looks worried.
But the TEACHER stands calmly. He reverses his Podder, inserts it back into a
sword-sheath at his waist, and sits down. He opens his briefcase, fumbles
through it and then pulls out a large block of something and throws it to the
Eat this, it’ll help.
What is it?
The three of them immediately dig in.
…laced with genuine prescription Viagra
acquired through legitimate means.
It’s the only thing they can’t stand.
The trio look up at him in horrror, then down at themselves, then to each other.
I don’t know what Bondoc thinks he’s playing at,
letting those things on here among children!
But…what was it?
One of the Phonespammers of Azerbaijan.
You mean…they are the ‘Azerbaijan Guards’?
Well, yes, but no-one calls them that
anymore, that’s so five minutes ago.
(shakes his head)
You want to be careful around those things, boys…
Er, sorry, sir, but I didn’t catch your name…
Oh, of course.
Professor Incanus Wolfe at your service.
But my friends call me Grey.
For he is, indeed, GREY WOLF.
The train begins to move off again and light returns to their surroundings.
LUAKEL stares into his reflection in the window, troubled.
Cut to: -
EXT. – IANSBURG – NIGHT
We see the train pulling into the station at the little town of Iansburg.
Moments later, several MODERN NEW YORK TAXIs pull away from the town and drive
up a winding road up a hill to the AH.COM CASTLE at the top.
EXT. – OUTSIDE AH.COM – NIGHT
LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL get out of one of the taxis, which appear to have no-one
behind the wheel, and they follow the other students into the bustling GREAT
INT. – GREAT HALL – NIGHT
The Hall is brightly lit by fluorescent lighting. Sitting at the high table are
DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE, a scowling THANDE, a grinning DMA, FLOCCULENCIO
(still in his piratical gear) and a brooding FLOID. As we watch, GREY WOLF
hurries up and takes the only remaining empty seat. DOCTOR WHAT nods to him.
Welcome! Welcome to another year at AH.com.
Before we tuck into this excellent feast, of course-
(as he speaks, the feast is ISOTed in with a flash)
I am told that the Love Chicken is a most acceptable
simalcrum, though of course it cannot compare to
that made by my own fair hand, and-
IRONYUPPIE coughs meaningfully.
- er – yes – anyway, where was I?
(clears his throat)
First, I’m happy to welcome Professor I. "Grey" Wolfe
who has kindly consented to fill the post of Da Fence
Against Da Ark Darts teacher. Good luck to you, Professor.
Most of the students clap uncertainly, while LUAKEL, OTHNIEL and LEO give him
more whole-hearted applause. GREY WOLF looks away, embarrassed.
Furthermore, after the, ahem, unplanned
premature retirement of Dr Rommel, our
previous Care of Althistorical Creatures teacher,
I am pleased to announce that the post will be
filled by none other than our own Aussius DMA!
DMA rises and bows, the motion almost upending the teachers’ table. More
Finally, on a less pleasant note, at the request of
the Department for Althistory – for the duration
of the Matt crisis – our school will be playing host
to the Phonespammers of Azerbaijan.
They will be stationed at all entrances. Avoid them
at all costs, unless you want to fund someone’s extension in Nigeria.
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDORS
The students pour out of the Great Hall, the feast eaten, and split up into
INT. – OUTSIDE PORNWATCHER DORMITORY
LEO, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are at the head of the Pornwatcher students as they
approach the portrait doorway.
I hear that they changed the portrait guardian
for this year. Steffen’s Workmate has retired.
Yeah, me too. More equal opportunities…
I hear it’s Dawn French.
Everyone looks at the portrait to see a confused conflagration as a painted
version of TIELHARD chases, accompanied by Benny Hill music, after the fleeing
(shaking his head)
(waves his Podder)
The portrait slides aside and the Pornwatchers go into their dormitory.
INT. – THIRD YEAR DORMITORY – NIGHT
The third year students – LUAKEL, LEO, OTHNIEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MICHAEL and
THERMOPYLAE – are all settling down for bed, pulling various items out of their
trunks and setting them on their bedside tables.
THERMO is giving his pet goldfish a disturbing, idle look. The name on the side
of the fish tank is ‘Anglosaxon’.
I can’t decide whether to strangle you at birth
or let you grow until you dominate the entire world!
(mad laugh; shrugs)
PSYCHO is lovingly building a shrine around a large photo of Alyson Hannigan on
his bedside table. MICHAEL, who has the table directly facing it, is equally
lovingly building a flamethrower pointed PSYCHO’s way.
LEO pulls numerous textbooks out of his trunk and piles them on his bedside
table, then when the table is on the verge of collapsing, shores it up from
beneath with yet more textbooks.
You know this is the year we have to
sign up to do optional subjects?
Yeah, Luaky and I already decided.
Cartography and Care of Althistorical Creatures.
What are you doing, then?
Oh, those two…
and Otler Studies and Advanced Althistorical Linguistics
and Airship Design Mechanics and Nazi Superweapon Studies and…
Don’t be absurd, Leo. You couldn’t do all of those
at the same time, not unless you had a means of time travel!
(winks at camera)
Subtle foreshadowing or what, folks?!
It’s good to be home.
A shadow falls on the room as one of the PHONESPAMMERS surrounding the school
flies past the window. LUAKEL’s face falls.
Pull out and through the Pornwatcher dormitory window to show -
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – NIGHT
We see the ranks of PHONESPAMMERS in their wind-flapping robes, hovering above
the castle with no visible means of support.
We hear a distant ‘SLAP-OW!’ sound and some of the PHONESPAMMERS stir.
Focus in on a different window in the castle –
INT. – MISERYGUTS COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The room is nearly empty as almost all the students have gone to bed. Otherwise
it looks much as it did when we saw it last time, with first-years ("n00bs")
being tortured on devices attached to the walls, a small cinema in which
small-minded nincompoops tear apart inconsistencies in deliberate spoof
comedies, and a general air of Inquisitionesque dungeon. In the corner, two
second-year Miserygutses are still having a heated argument about the length of
GBW sits in the middle of the room, flanked as always by EVOLVEDSAURIAN and
HIGHLANDER. He has the imprint of a hand on his face, visible as redness on the
fleshy part and fingerprints on the shiny metallic cyborg part. He’s ruefully
rubbing it with a hand that is also partially cyborg.
(muttering to himself)
Kilny slap me?
Why would Kilny slap me?
Could it be because you hid in
her bed in the Knowitall dorms
as a ‘surprise’?
It must be that Floid. He’s trying
to steal her away again…
How can I get her back?
It was dark in that dorm, maybe
she didn’t realise it was me…
Boss, you glow in the dark.
(he looks down at his partly metallic hands)
I’m more machine than man now.
Maybe that frightens her…
GBW goes red in the remaining flesh part of his face, and red lights flash on
the cyborg part.
(in a hiss)
Which is all thanks to Doctor What’s
accursed cat and, ultimately, that bastard Commer.
(adopts ‘the Thinker’ pose)
Maybe there’s a way I can get Kilny back and
get my revenge on Commer at the same time…
Pull back – a thought bubble emerges above GBW’s head, showing a complex
arrangement of cogs and ratchets clicking away together with the occasional
burst of steam. At the same time, smaller thought bubbles emerge from the heads
of EVOLVEDSAURIAN and HIGHLANDER, but both are covered by red labels reading
As we watch, a strange mist enters the scene and GBW’s cogs turn into
hamburgers, which then flap their wings and fly off into the sunset. The thought
bubbles dissolve abruptly and GBW stares up at a newcomer.
STRAHA, smoking away on a huge joint and smirking. A reddish light is
occasionally visible in his eyes.
Oh – Senior Prefect Straha.
What do you want?
Why not have a nuclear war that
Er, thank you, but that’s not the best
plan for winning Kilny’s heart back.
A girl, eh? I know all about that,
on account of the number of times
I’ve had sex – er – um – with – what
do you call ’em – girls, yes.
(brushes his uncertainty away)
There’s a plan for that, a plan that’ll
let you punish Commer as well.
STRAHA sits down and speaks in conspiratorial tones.
Punish him with f…
(the red light appears and his eyes disfocus)
…with friends. Yes, punish him through his friends.
Are nukes involved?
Not in the first draft, but we’ll fit ’em in somewhere.
Fade to black.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – DAY
The PHONESPAMMERS are not visible, having retired. The sun is rising. Change
camera angle to focus on DMA coming out of the Inadvisable Copse, swinging a
huge sack of acorns and whistling cheerfully to himself. Pan across to the trees
at the edge of the Copse, then over to the Bofinger Tower. We see a beautiful
kingfisher alight on the outstretched hand of one of the gargoyles, only for the
hand to suddenly snap back towards the statue’s mouth and a few brilliant
feathers fly everywhere. Pan down to reveal PSYCHOMELTDOWN, staring at the
VAMPING WILLOW (for it is she) with a blissful expression.
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDORS – DAY
The usual confused bustle of the first day. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL plough their way
through a crowd of first-year n00bs and head purposefully for their next lesson.
One of the new ones now, Luaky!
Wonder what that’s like…
And where’s Leo?
As he speaks, LEO emerges from another corridor. But he’s pale in the face,
looks tired, and even seems somehow shorter.
Oh, there you are.
Are you all right, Leo?
…not quite myself right now.
In the ensuing silence, OTHNIEL pulls out his ‘Importantplotpointometer’ and
nods intelligently as the needle clicks forward and back.
Come on, anyway!
They head up to the Cartography Tower.
INT. – CARTOGRAPHY CLASSROOM – DAY
The large classroom is a study in maps. Maps cover the tiles on the floor, the
wallpaper, the windows are made with stained glass overlays showing maps, even
the lighting fixtures consist of old globes with light bulbs in the middle
shining out. It is literally impossible to open your eyes inside this room
without seeing a map.
POV from the blackboard at the front of the room, looking back at the kids at
their desks. Note that, as often in AH.com, kids from all four houses are
present.The kids look up as we hear the sound of a door opening, and then a
figure of some kind (out of focus) steps in front of the camera. All we
can see is that he is wearing a long cloak with ever-changing map designs on the
Welcome to Cartography, greatest of the
Within these four walls, you will learn the
secrets of the Map, from how to edit a BAM
without crashing your computer, to how to
choose a colour for the Ottoman Empire that
doesn’t piss someone off, to-
Nervously, a student – THERMOPYLAE – has raised his hand.
-and…yes, what is it?
(clears his throat)
Excuse me, sir, hope you don’t
mind me asking, but…?
Why aren’t you wearing any pants?
Switch to students’ POV – the teacher, who is, of course, DIAMOND, is wearing a
cloak with maps on them, a waistcoat, jacket and bow tie in the same pattern,
and no pants. Clever camera angles putting student’s heads or bits of teaching
equipment in front of his waist manage to keep us a PG rating.
Well, that’s a long story, dear boy.
I am a follower of the Tao of Pantslessness,
the only true way, the path to the
deepest and darkest secrets of mapmaking.
But…what is Pantslessness?
No one can tell you what Pantslessness is.
You have to experience it for yourself.
A pause, in which all the students put on dark glasses.
Very good. Now, who will be the first to join me?
Another silence. Finally, KILNGIRL stands up, provoking gasps.
She rips off her pants and flings them coyly aside, where they land on GBW’s
face. He pulls them aside, the organic parts of his flesh flaring with
(in a hiss)
She’s doing this on purpose!
Now, who among you Typical Men will join me?
In the ensuing silence, KILNGIRL embarrasses the vast majority of the other
students into also going pantsless, and DIAMOND nods approvingly.
Good, good, indeed!
Now comes the test of your character.
DIAMOND flicks his Podder and a blank map appears in front of all the students.
You shall blindfold yourself and then fill
in these maps, letting your inner self guide you.
Only then shall you truly know yourself.
This is all a bit Eastern to me…
Don’t be silly, he’s from California.
The students all put on their blindfolds, usually by tying their pants around
their eyes, until they look rather like pants-themed kamikaze pilots.
A montage of the students scribbling away on their paper with pens, pencils and
crayons at very high speed.
The room comes to a standstill, dust rising from all the desks.
Good. Now I shall examine you all.
DIAMOND walks around the desks, as the students remove their pants-blindfolds.
He glances at several of the maps approvingly, then comes to THERMO.
Not bad…ah, there you are.
I’ve heard about your sort.
What’ll it be, Korean Madagascar?
Brazilian India? Swiss China?
They both look down to see that THERMO has, in fact, reproduced a map of OTL.
Hey, that was my blank map
you were scribbling on!
Long pause, then THERMO and DIAMOND exchange a grin.
You transposed every country to a completely
Hey, I’m just that good.
DIAMOND smiles and glances at the next maps. He frowns at GBW’s.
"The People’s Republic of Diecommerdie"?
It’s an obscure Tartar tribe…
DIAMOND moves on to EVOLVEDSAURIAN and HIGHLANDER.
I don’t think an Irish Empire that big is quite plausible.
What makes you say that?!!
Well, the fact that it also includes half
of Highlander’s map.
Focus on the maps to reveal that, indeed, EVOLVEDSAURIAN has used up all his
green crayons scribbling on every bit of land and sea on his map as well as a
lot around it on the desk and on HIGHLANDER’s map.
DIAMOND moves further along, finally coming to OTHNIEL, LUAKEL and LEO. He first
looks at OTHNIEL’s.
Hmm, deep-seated psychological insecurities…
What makes you say that?
Wordlessly, DIAMOND points at the map. OTHNIEL glances down.
Tight on – the map – showing a massive Inevitable Republic of Deseret stretching
across most of North America
Tight on – OTHNIEL’s face, a la ‘The Scream’
OTHNIEL buries his face in the map and then tears it up. The map, that is, not
LUAKEL is next.
Interesting…good, Grand Tartary,
Kingdom of Burgundy…but what’s this?
DIAMOND points at China, which is divided into many territories.
Balkanised warlord China.
What’s wrong with that?
He flips the map upside down, revealing that LUAKEL’s map of China looks like…
Amid gasps, DIAMOND explains:
The Chinese invented bears, you know.
And they also invented…murder.
This is a sign that someone is plotting your death.
The students all stare at each other and some cry ‘moider, moider!’ before
fainting. LUAKEL looks unimpressed.
Oh, yes, I never realised that before.
I, who have almost been killed by Mike
Collins three times and now know perfectly
well that Serious Matt is after me. Oh, lordy, lordy,
what shall we do…
He goes on to LEO’s mono-coloured map and his eyes bulge.
That’s not true!
(points at tiny spot in Mongolia)
See, see, there’s a surviving Samaritan kingdom!
Of course, he hasn’t taken off his pants.
That’s the problem.
Pantslessness is against Mandaeanism!
The bell rings.
(smiling at class)
All right! A good first lesson, guys.
See you next time!
The students put their pants back on and walk out.
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDOR
What did you think?
The man’s a charlatan.
(shaking his head)
I thought it was alright.
Okay, what’s next?
(unfolds absurdly huge and complex timetable)
Oh, Care of Althistorical Creatures with DMA…
Pan back to reveal GBW looking around the corner.
Now, Commer…now I shall have my revenge.
EXT. – OUTSIDE AH.COM CASTLE – DAY
A view as though from a helicopter, showing the students going out and down to
DMA’s cave near the Inadvisable Copse. An airship travels overhead at a stately
cruise, escorted by two biplanes.
EXT. – OUTSIDE DMA’S CAVE – DAY
The students walk up to the cave and begin milling around uncertainly.
Where is he?
I don’t know - Leo, do you know – Leo?
They spin around in confusion. LEO is gone.
Where is he?
I don’t know –
Whoa, déjà vu.
LEO walks up from the copse as they watch. He looks much healthier again,
although there’s sweat on his brow.
Hey, what’d I miss?
How’d you do that?
Er – you know – advanced ISOTing –
it’s in Chapter 24 –
I’m sure it is, mate.
(slightly distant voice)
So, what happened in Cartography-
(abruptly changes expression, eyes focus)
That man Diamond insulted my work!
Yes, that’s what happened…
Are you alright, Leo?
Er – yes – of course.
LEO walks uncertainly away off to one side. LUAKEL turns to see OTHNIEL twirling
his finger around his ear.
Holy Sméagol, Batman!
As they speak, the ground begins to shake. Some students cry out or throw
themselves to the ground. Small rocks begin to fall from the the rockface around
DMA’s cave. The nearby trees from the copse wave around. Leaves and birds’ nests
begin to fall. A terrific…vibration…runs through the ground, and then
there is a noise like thunder…
It’s the end of the world!
No, that’s heralded by a trumpet…
(looks up at the cave entrance)
Not a Wobbleboard!
And DMA comes out of the cave entrance, cheerfully working a Wobbleboard and
barely visible in a blur of vibration.
Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
Tie me kangaroo down…
DMA, it’s us!
Throw the tied up kangaroo on the barbie, sport,
Throw the tied up…
(notices the kids)
Oh, g’day, yer ankle-biters!
Half a mo’ and I’ll give this thingo the flick!
Er – yes?
DMA hurls the still-vibrating wobbleboard away into the trees, where it scythes
through six pines and knocks them down before finally slamming into a mighty oak
and is left embedded in the trunk, reverberating.
The ground and air immediately stop vibrating. Several of the kids throw up or
otherwise look pale.
Never mind the chunders, cobbers!
I’ve got some grouse beasts f’r you the day!
DMA goes back into the cave and returns dragging a lead. Even the huge
Australian seems to have to put a lot of effort in to pull it. Several of the
kids pace nervously.
Surely DMA wouldn’t bring anything dangerous…
Leo, this is the same DMA who adopted
a Successful Sealion last year.
Come out, come out, Streaky! Don’t be a wuss!
Finally DMA gives one last yank and the beast comes out. The kids gasp.
It’s a giant pig – no, more like a wild boar, with slavering tusks, bristles and
mad little eyes – but it has great wings like an eagle or an angel, and it’s
constantly beating them to stay in the air. DMA has to keep his full weight on
the lead to stop the pig flying off.
This is Streaky, mates.
He’s what the greenies call an fine hexample of
We hear a distant resounding GAAAAHHHH!!! from the castle.
-but normo blokes like you or me call him
a Flying Pig. Patron animal of Ireland,
specifically Northern Ireland,
more specifically of the Northern Ireland Peace Process.
DMA yanks hard on the lead and manages to bring STREAKY down to the ground. The
pig eyes him with evil eyes.
As ye can see, he’s built like a brick shitter,
can lift ’uge weights. Th’ cockies ’ave always
wanted to ’use ’em as beasts of burden, but they’ve
never been tamed.
So who wants first go?
All the kids take one step back.
We focus on GBW, EVOLVEDSAURIAN and HIGHLANDER.
This is perfect. I can get back at
Commer by getting his Aussie friend
(winks at camera – his artificial eye’s red light flickers on and off)
’Cause I’m Just That Evil.
How are you going to get back at him, boss?
GBW adopts ‘The Thinker’ pose; a hatch slides open on his cyborg right arm and a
little satellite dish comes out, twirling around. He also puts on his Thinking
He has no conception of Health and Safety.
If someone is injured…
Cut to DMA-
He’s fine so long as you don’t say "applesauce-"
STREAKY’s eyes flash red and he charges DMA, leaping into the air halfway
through doing so, and tries to gore him in the back of the neck.
Without looking around, DMA throws his fist back and hits the boar between the
eyes. There’s a CRACK sound and the dazed STREAKY drops to the ground, his eyes
Bonza. Now, who’s first?
One by one, the schoolkids overcome their fears and go forward, peering at the
Boss, boss, I’ve got it!
(satellite dish retracts)
You go up to the boar, say applesauce,
he attacks you, you get brutally injured
and then you sue DMA!
(stares at him)
And what made you think that I was suited for this?
Well, you’ve done it before, boss!
He points at GBW’s cyborg implants.
Ye-e-es. Well, it’s a good plan,
and it needs only one slight change –
Cut to – HIGHLANDER approaching the boar, shaking his head.
Me and my big mouth…
HIGHLANDER goes up to STREAKY, who now shows signs of recovering, and whispers
Cut to – close up of GBW’s face. The flesh part is unreadable, expressionless.
The cyborg part flickers with little lights. Off camera, we hear the sound of
HIGHLANDER screaming, things flying about, and some unspecified liquid spatters
the crowd, including GBW. A hatch opens in GBW’s cyborg right leg; he takes out
a wet napkin and delicately wipes it from his metallic face.
That didn’t go quite as I intended.
Can we still claim it as the boar attacking him?
Not really. Even I think that looks consensual.
Damn you, Commer! But there will be other opportunities…
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – DUSK
The sun is going down as the kids go back through the main doorway. HIGHLANDER
is being held on a stretcher between GBW and EVOLVEDSAURIAN, scratched and
bleeding, his clothes torn, but is grinning and babbling.
A long day…
Longer than most…
(winks at camera)
Just keep those subtle hints coming, folks!
EXT. – OUTSIDE DMA’S CAVE – DUSK
DMA grins as he ties up STREAKY in a sty near the forest for the night. The pig
glares at him.
Not a bad first lesson, not bad at all, mate!
Now what can I give the little blighters for next time?
Maybe something a bit more…interesting…
DMA walks away from the sty and into his cave. STREAKY continues staring at him,
obviously plotting revenge, but then his gaze is suddenly drawn to a nearby
patch of dark trees in the Inadvisable Copse.
A dark, bear-like shadow detaches itself from the trees and, in the space of a
few heartbeats, flees through the night and towards another patch, closer to the
STREAKY’s wings fold down on his back and the pig squeals softly with fear.
Fade to black.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – MORNING
A beautiful autumn morning, with the leaves turning brown and the flowers
withering away. The sun peeps over the distant horizon and we hear distant
noises as AH.com sleepily awakes.
Then the dark shadow of a PHONESPAMMER drifts past on patrol. It looks at a
nearby tree vindictively and –
WE SEL NOKIA T5680 @ JUST $5.40 BUYERS!
SEND AL YOUR MONEY TO REPUTSTABLE LAGOS BUSINESSSESMENS!!!
The tree rapidly withers under the spamming onslaught, dropping its leaves, and
finally crumbles to dust as though a thousand years have passed in an instant.
The PHONESPAMMER smirks to itself, while in the background, a dark bear-shaped
shadow casually flits past.
INT. – AH.COM – GREY WOLF’S CLASSROOM – DAY
The scene begins suddenly, with a montage of close-in, action images. GREY WOLF
is dodging and diving with surprising athleticism, while long spear-like
javelins hiss overhead. In the background, we can see the kids, agog, watching
from behind a protective barrier.
Camera change – GREY WOLF is frantically hammering and sawing bits of wood.
Another of the sharp steel javelins shoots just overhead – he ducks, but the
javelin staples his hat to the wall behind him and is left there with a
Another change – now GREY WOLF is rapidly painting the nailed-together bits of
wood with white emulsion paint. Two more javelins shoot towards him from off
camera, but he raises his unicorn-horn Podder and flicks it at them. The
javelins flash and turn into Roman pilii, their soft iron shafts bending
against the floor as they fall short. GREY WOLF smirks, well, wolfishly.
Final, long shot – GREY WOLF stands up from his reclining position, and in his
arms he is holding up what he has made: a great white wooden picket fence, circa
Farm Background in 1950s American Cartoons. Sweating with the effort of building
it, he grins toothily and takes a step forward, towards his unknown adversary.
He pokes his Podder through a knothole in the fence and twists it, imbibing the
fence with brilliantly coloured lightning of magical-I-mean-Althistorical
Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough!
One of the thick iron javelins shoots from off-camera and hammers into the
centre of the fence with a terrific impact. GREY WOLF shudders and takes a step
back, but keeps grinning and then takes two steps forward. The next two
javelins, fired apparently desperately, bounce off harmlessly.
We see GREY WOLF raise the fence over his head and slam it down on his unseen
Change camera angle once more – finally we see the whole room. GREY WOLF has
just smashes his FENCE over a huge wooden ship, sitting in the middle of his
classroom, on which is an irate white-bearded prophet operating a harpoon
launcher. Also visible on the deck are many animal species in pairs.
As we watch, the white-bearded man fires another javelin from his launcher, but
it thuds impotently against the fence set against the ship.
GREY WOLF, panting, recovers his teacherly composure and turns to face the
And…that’s how you
put Da Fence Against Da Ark Darts!
The kids all erupt into spontaneous applause and cheering.
Take that away…
A scowling FLOID and MrP hoist the ark on their shoulders and take it out of the
(in a mutter)
Bastard, what does he think I am,
a general dogsbody?
No, I think he thinks you’re more
of an annoying Sudanases tit who
hasn’t posted in months.
Well that’s all right then.
This thing is bloody heavy.
Noah should’ve fed the animals on the Keira diet,
then they’d be much lighter.
True, but there’d be less meat on ’em…
(glances at MrP)
I can ignore the jabs at veganism, but
not the unnecessary working-class type
apostrophe-based abbreviation of ‘them’!
MrP lets the ark fall on FLOID’s head, squashing him.
Cut back to the kids watching GREY WOLF.
Wow. He’s the best Defence Against
Da Ark Darts teacher we’ve ever had!
True. Better than Novus or Flocc…
OTHNIEL jabs LUAKEL in the ribs.
(rubbing his ribs)
Oww! What was that for?
I’ve told you before, Luaky,
we don’t refer to any of the
happenings in the other books until
at least Book 4, even though it’s extremely
unlikely that anyone would read any of them alone.
I thought this was a film?
I say, do you think the whole ark as enemy
motif is a subtle critique of creationism?
I thought Merry was the Overanalysing one…
GREY WOLF takes down the barrier and lets the kids in.
Um, fuck, yes, welcome, students.
Take your seats.
Still chattering excitedly, the kids sit down at their desks.
What you have just seen…
(he pauses, visibly remembering)
What you have just seen is an example
of, um, what someone skilled in, um,
Da Fence Against Da Ark Darts can do.
If you, um, apply yourself in my lessons,
maybe you too can begin to, um,
perform such feats.
Several of the kids nod eagerly.
But, um, we’ll start smaller.
(cups hands to mouth)
Bring it in!
Muttering, MrP drags in a huge wardrobe that is rattling from side to side,
something fighting to get out.
Now, can, um, anyone guess what’s in here?
HIGHLANDER waves his arm around.
Is it Narnia, sir?
Um, fuck, no, wrong film, boy.
Does that mean no anthropormorphised animals?
Any, um, one else want to hazard a guess?
THERMOPYLAE puts his hand up.
Is it Middle-earth, sir?
Um, lateral thinking,
I like that, but no.
(he looks at LEO)
You! Boy who’s always right!
What do you think?
(draws himself up)
Well, sir, it’s obviously
Disappointed murmurs around the classroom as GREY WOLF nods.
Um, fuck, yes, well done, pi points to Pornwatcher,
but this is a particularly powerful Dystopian.
They say that David Straha once locked himself
in a room with five dozen of these for a year…
(snaps back to now)
Um, can anyone tell me what a Dystopian is?
Someone other than the boy who’s always right.
After glancing between themselves, LUAKEL puts his hand up.
Luaky, um, fuck, Commer?
Yes, si – hey, how did you know my middle name?
I knew your parents, lad, I gave them the idea, apparently, although I don’t see
anyway, what is a Dystopian?
Er – isn’t it a magi-I mean, Althistorical
being that sees your worst fears and changes
the world to that form, that dystopia.
Very, um, good, another twenty seven and a half points to Pornwatcher.
But does anyone know how you defeat it?
(raising his hand)
Do you by any chance mock it relentlessly until it cries?
Though that’s not a bad idea…
(raises his hand – oddly enough, it’s bandaged)
You must crowd it out with images of such
startling wonder and joyfulness that it has no
power over you…
(raising her hand)
…and shout "American Military Operation Name"!
Now, who wants to go first?
GREY WOLF taps his wardrobe daringly; the wardrobe jumps in the air and crashes
down again. Some of the kids quail. Finally THERMO stands up.
Good lad! Now, what’s your idea of a dystopia?
Embarrassed, THERMO mumbles something into GREY WOLF’s ear. GREY WOLF nods and
mutters something back.
That should fix it!
He nods and goes up to the wardrobe.
GREY WOLF unlocks the wardrobe and yanks back the door. The kids gasp as
something like translucent, rippling energy, not quite there, flows out and over
the walls. A giant map of OTL materialises there and THERMO quails.
British Britain?! French France?!! Mexican Mexico??!!
(pulls hat over eyes)
Remember what I said!
(pulling up the hat)
(steels himself, points Podder)
Hah! You conform to an artificial, unrealistic notion of
political boundaries and do not recognise de facto independent states
such as Taiwan, Somaliland and the Transdniester Republic!
AMERICAN MILITARY OPERATION NAME!
The map explodes and the rippling energies reform, confused.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN steps forward and the energies focus on him. They ripple over the
walls again and the world changes, everyone suddenly becoming polygonal and with
relatively uniform appearance.
(looks down at his polygonal hands)
The world has become Second Life!
How is that a dystopia?
Because Alyson Hannigan doesn’t play it?
(buries face in hands)
Come on! Fight it!
(wildly points at LUAKEL and GREY WOLF, then speaks in a rush)
You gave Luaky more realistic and detailed
hair than Grey Wolf based on the fact that he is
a main character, when in-game metaphorical
mechanics would imply that Grey Wolf has played
the game for longer and would therefore have more L$!
Hah! You don’t really understand the game mechanics!
AMERICAN MILITARY OPERATION NAME!
The energies collapse again in confusion.
(pats PSYCHO on shoulder)
Well done Psych. You escaped from Second Life
by ably demonstrating that you don’t have a first one.
(looks up as the energy forms a world where everyone
else has turned into a duck)
Oh, superb. I would mock your utter lack of originality,
but for the fact that it would be a waste of my valuable effort.
AMERICAN MILITARY OPERATION NAME!
The energies collapse once more, then sight on LUAKEL and rear up before him,
about to coalesce. LUAKEL raises his Podder, but GREY WOLF hastily interposes
himself between them.
Er – not quite yet -
The energies lock on to GREY WOLF and reform the world into a moonlit landscape.
Ooh look, Professor Wolfe is afraid of the moon!
What a Subtle Hint. They could at least have
phrased it a bit ambiguously as the book does.
But you forget, Luaky, that film audiences
are assumed to consist of morons, even if
it’s an adaptation of a book which presumably
the vast majority of the audience has already read
and enjoyed in all its complexity.
You! Boy who’s always right!
You have a go!
LEO steps up. The energies reform the world as one with no Mandaeans.
(voice quavering slightly)
Hah! Little do you know that this is an implausible
scenario, because everything that the modern world
rests upon was invented by the Mandaeans, as I shall
now recount in glorious detail…
The energies scream and retreat back into the wardrobe, which slams shut and the
Hey, I didn’t even have to say American Military Operation Name!
I’m Just That Good.
Er – fuck – yes.
Good work, kids –
And I’ll see you next week!
The kids rise from their desks and head for the door.
So why do you reckon he’s afraid of the moon?
Maybe because he’s a werewolf.
Come on, it’s obvious, his name is "Grey Wolf"
for crying out loud, the only way it could be
made more blatant is if it were in Latin.
They walk away into the castle.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE COURTYARD – DAY
Caption: "TWO WEEKS LATER"
The courtyard is full of third-years excitedly waving bits of paper. At the
gates stand IRONYUPPIE and FLOID, who is holding his mop and leering at the
(taling over the chattering)
Remember, these visits to Iansburg Village
are a privilege, not a right!
If I hear any of you have darkened the name
of AH.com by not advocating violence
and innuendo, then prepare to be the latest
head on my trophy wall!
The kids nod and look solemn for a minute, but go back to being excited as soon
as IRONYUPPIE moves on.
LUAKEL goes hopefully up to IRONYUPPIE, but she sticks out an arm and stops him.
Where do you think you’re going, Commer?
Er – well, I think I’m going down to Iansburg, Professor.
No form, no visit.
But…Ward wouldn’t sign my form!
Disconsolate, LUAKEL watches as the others pass. OTHNIEL and LEO send him
Don’t worry, Luaky. I’ll be sure
to bring you something back.
But it’ll be a bit heavy, dragging back
stuff from Sir Francis Unwise’s Emporium
of Free Solid Gold Fembots…
LUAKEL groans as they vanish. The next group to turn up is GBW, EVOLVEDSAURIAN
and HIGHLANDER, the latter still having scratches and scars from his run-in with
Have a nice time playing Solitaire, Commer.
Is that a euphemism for something?
Scowling, GBW walks away. HIGHLANDER briefly treads on his own tail and yelps.
EXT. – NEAR NEWSPOSTING PITCH – DAY
Only a few moments later. LUAKEL is sitting in the spectator stands at the
Newsposting Stadium, watching disconsolately as the Knowitall reserve team
practice punting each ball of news down into the hole in the central Post. He’s
the only person in the stands, at least until GREY WOLF walks up.
Um, fuck, no visit to Iansburg?
My uncle wouldn’t fill in the form.
Don’t worry, Luaky, I found my
first visit very disappointing.
Um, yes, quite.
It was in the one week when the restaurant
where you can eat finest caviar out of bowls
carved out of a single diamond was closed for repairs.
We had to go to the All-You-Can-Stuff-In-Your-
Gob-For-Tuppence Swordfish Grill, instead.
I also hear that Iansburg contains the Shirking Shed,
the building home to the most truanting in all America.
Um, yes, I’ve…heard that.
(winks at camera)
Subtle foreshadowing or what, folks??
Professor, may I ask you something?
You want to know why I wouldn’t let you
face the Dystopian.
Well, I thought it would transport us to
a world where Mike Collins ruled, and
I didn’t think the rest of us could take it.
I did think of Collins first, but…
Then I thought of those Phonespammers…
Interesting. That suggests that what
you fear most of all, is…
Spam about mobile phones.
Does that mean I have a strong and independent character?
Not really, no.
It means you have very strange priorities.
GREY WOLF walks away, leaving LUAKEL to watch the practice.
INT. – GREAT HALL – NIGHT
That night. LUAKEL, alone among the first and second years, is seated at his
table as the food arrives. As we watch, though, the big doors open and the third
years and older come in, chattering. All of them are carrying huge, bulging
shopping bags. OTHNIEL is sweating under the weight of a huge solid gold fembot,
Luaky! How are you?
(glances at them)
Did you have a good time?
(slams down huge bags)
I bought seventeen new textbooks and
fifty new texts in Neo-Mandaic translation, including
Scappaticci’s The Trivial Postman Only Rings the Berber
of Seville, set in an Ummayid-wank world…
And I got this little beauty!
(dumps the fembot down,
then looks at LUAKEL apologetically)
Sorry, I could only get one, but I
suppose we could…share?
(looking a bit ill)
I’m alright, thanks.
I did get you one thing, though.
He opens a bag and hands LUAKEL a small device, looking a bit like a clock radio
with a twirling satellite dish.
This is a GPS tracking polygraph.
It detects deceit in your vicinity.
Go on, you’re having me on!
No, I’m not! Look!
And indeed the device remains inert.
Go on, test it?
"Leo does not like the Mandaeans".
The device spins its dish towards LUAKEL and begins beeping excitedly. LEO looks
disproportionately shocked, even violated.
Cool! Okay, how about
"I’m not wearing women’s underwear"?
The device beeps in a different way and OTHNIEL glances at the display.
He puts the device away.
I thought it might be useful, seeing as…
Serious Matt’s trying to kill me?
We pan down the tables to where GBW is sitting with EVOLVEDSAURIAN and
HIGHLANDER is excitedly hugging a huge teddybear in a faintly disturbing way.
EVOLVEDSAURIAN is playing Battleships against himself, using an AH board with
the title "Recreate the American attack on the Imperial Japanese fleet at Pearl
GBW is brooding, gazing at the bags and bags in front of him.
Many items we have bought…
but how can I use them to achieve my aims?
To destroy Commer, and to win back Kilny…
GBW puts on his Thinking Cap. We hear steampunk clicking sounds and little toots
of steam, slowly panning in on GBW’s face, and then finally there is a
typewriter-like ‘ding!’ and his eyes widen.
Fade to black.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – PORNWATCHER TOWER – NIGHT
As before, we see the dark tower looming out of the night, with dim lights in
some of the windows. Floating in the air before the tower in a line, facing
outwards, are the PHONESPAMMERS.
As we watch, we hear a faint pad-pad-pad sound coming from somewhere. So do the
Phonespammers. One of them turns back towards the tower and we hear a sinister
sniffing sound. It drifts a little closer to one of the windows…
HEY YOU AKAWELE!!11
The Phonespammer, CHARLES AKAWELE, turns back and sees one of the other
Phonespammers is the source of the voice.
(equally cold voice)
WHAT PRIMERAML I HERA NSOISES?!!11
(pointing at the Great Hall)
LETS GET THEM IN THER HALL!!11
SELL THENM NOKIA 2714-X @ RESPUTAINTABLE PRICES!11
The two PHONESPAMMERS fly up into the sky and then dive back down towards the
Great Hall, leaving the area around the Pornwatcher Tower deserted.
There is a pregnant pause, and then we hear the pad-pad-pad sound resume.
Another silence, a strange, vaguely organic slurping sound, and then –
Mars and Wispas!!
And her voice is cut off by a savage SMASH as of glass breaking.
INT. – GREAT HALL – NIGHT
The students are still smiling and laughing about their trip to Iansburg, as
before. As we watch, though, all the colour starts to drain out of the scene,
and the laughter dies away. They look up, uncertainly –
And, somehow flowing through tiny gaps around the skylights, the dark cloaked
figures of AKAWELE and PRIMERAML fly into the Hall, zooming around the
chandeliers. The students scream and panic; we focus on GBW, who looks pale but
keeps his discipline. He glances over to LUAKEL, who is curled up in a foetal
position staring fearfully at the Phonespammers; GBW grins in schadenfreude.
WE SELL MOTOROLA 712-24 BLACKBERRY CHEAP!!!1
RASPUTINABLE CAMPAGNE IN 73rd STREET, LONDUN, UNITED KINGSTATES!!!1
Pan across the fearful students to the end of the row, where THERMOPYLAE seems
unmoved, chewing thoughtfully on a pipe.
Hmm…not a bad deal actually…
On the high table, GREY WOLF leaps to his feet, his grey eyes flashing with
You dare endanger my students?!
You’ll pay for this!
GREY WOLF blasts a wave of white light out of his Podder that expands into a
glowing, pearly sheet of gossamer. It flaps over the top of the students and,
rippling as though with calming waves, interposes itself between them and the
two flying Phonespammers. As we watch, the students indeed begin to calm, and
the colour returns to everything beneath GREY WOLF’s spamfilter.
The students look on GREY WOLF in impressed surprise, except LUAKEL, LEO and
OTHNIEL, who already knew he could do this.
GREY WOLF keeps his eyes fixed on the Phonespammers but speaks out of the corner
of his mouth.
Permission to send them to Internet hell, sir?
(raising a hand)
No, Incanus, I think I shall tackle this one myself.
DOCTOR WHAT, grinning in an incongruous and unhinged fashion, steps upright and
then, with a flick of his Podder, rises into the air himself to confront the
Phonespammers. Everyone gasps until they realise that he’s just suspended on
strings from a small airship near the ceiling.
The Phonespammers zip around DOCTOR WHAT, leering their decayed faces at him.
I’m sorry. What were you selling again?
The two Phonespammers pause, uncertain.
WE SELL APPLE IPOD NANO @ 34$!!11
Well--what if I use my leet haxxor skillz0rs…
As he speaks, DOCTOR WHAT pulls a small laptop computer out of his pocket and
snaps it open with the mannerisms of a gunslinger pulling a pistol. The two
Phonespammers both take an involuntary "step" back in the air.
Close-up on DOCTOR WHAT’s hand as his fingers blur over the laptop keyboard.
Countless web pages zip past on the screen, far too fast for us to catch more
than a fleeting glimpse of any of them, although the word ‘Lesbian’ appears
DOCTOR WHAT types away for a few seconds and then presses a final button with a
He spins the computer around so the screen faces the Phonespammers.
As you can see, I have just found a perfectly
legitimate offer for an iPod Nano at 33$.
Which means…you’re obsolete.
Both Phonespammers scream, terribly high-pitched ululating yells that make some
of the students faint all over again. PRIMERAML stumbles backward in the air,
trips over his own robe and then falls out of his hover.
PRIMERAML hits the white sheet of energy GREY WOLF is still projecting over the
kids. As he hits it, like a blanket it wraps itself around him. The Knowitall
students abruptly fall back from their table as the wrapped-up PRIMERMAL slams
into the table and knocks all the crockery flying (in suitable slow motion).
Some of the students glance up cautiously, to see PRIMERMAL thrashing about
inside the Spamfilter energy, burning with brilliant blue flames.
With a flash, the Phonespammer and Spamentor annihilate each other, and when the
light fades, both are gone.
Pan back up to DOCTOR WHAT facing off AKAWELE, who has managed to keep his feet.
And as for you…
I SELL U RAEL GENUINE V1@GRA 4 ONLY 64$!!!11
But why would I need Viagra when I have this?
As he speaks, DOCTOR WHAT casually twitches his robes apart. Far below, all the
students gasp and reach for their forks.
AKAWELE stares in horror and then a Niagara-like flow of white liquid hits him
in the face. He is splattered against the opposite wall, as yet more of the
sticky white fluid batters on top of him, and he is left stuck in place as
though in a spiderweb.
Cut back to DOCTOR WHAT as he caresses something under his robes. With a wink,
he turns toward the camera to reveal that it’s a strange-looking rifle with a
Star of David and menorah symbol on the stock.
How fortunate that I bought this Kosher Gun
from that nice Mr Bar Elias.
Fires a jet of Milk and Honey and it destroys
anything outside the dietary code, like spam.
(shaking her head)
Oh, grow up, B-man.
DOCTOR WHAT smiles and, taking out a pair of scissors, cuts the threads
suspending him from the airship so he drops to the ground. He lands on the
Fudgepacker table in the middle of a trifle, smashing that table as well.
Picking himself up and licking his fingers thoughtfully, he walks back to the
(to GREY WOLF)
Incanus, feel free to finish that one off
when all the children are gone.
(tossing his Podder from hand to hand threateningly)
With pleasure, sir.
(addressing the hall)
Students! Back to your dormitories at the double, if you please!
Prefects lead the way!
(shaking his head)
I’m going to address a letter of complaint to the
Department for Althistory over this!
Will you be wanting to borrow that poisoned pen again, sir?
And then there’s my collection of obscene stamps…
As the kids troop out of the hall, all the teachers keep shouting suggestions
for the letter.
INT. – HALLWAY – NIGHT
A shaking LUAKEL, supported by LEO CAESIUS and OTHNIEL, is only part of the
Pornwatcher convoy, led by MERRYPRANKSTER, going back towards the tower.
(shaking his head)
I couldn’t stop myself.
No-one thinks less of you for it, Luaky mate.
OTHNIEL glances back at HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN, who are already selling "Cowardly
Commer™" tie-in T-shirts and other branded merchandise.
I saw GBW laughing at me.
Who cares what that evil racist thinks?
Yeah, he’s as bad as an Otler!
LUAKEL rolls his eyes.
Suddenly, the Pornwatcher convoy grinds to a halt and we hear murmurs towards
the front of it.
What is it?
Don’t tell me Psycho’s forgotten to post today’s
password on the noticeboard again…
Now, everyone remain calm!
I shall send for the teachers and…
LUAKEL manages to see through the crowd, and gasps.
The portrait of DAWN FRENCH, which of course is simply a large interactive
flatscreen, is smashed, with a series of radiating cracks and a Kaybar knife
with a USMC logo buried in the centre.
I was hoping to nick that to replace my awful monitor…
(talking over the crowd)
Look, we’ll have to reconstruct the events of
tonight in excrutiating detail…
Hey, that actually made sense for once.
Only by accident.
…and we’ll have to find and interview any
possible witnesses to the event…
I saw it! I saw him!
Everyone spins around to see WEAPON M, a ghost with a damaged musket and powder
burns across his chest, glaring at them with a wild look in his eyes.
Nearly Weaponless M! What did you see?
Never forget it all my…er…death!
That sticks in the mind as indelibly
as a threesome, well nearly, not that
any of you can appreciate that comparison-
(a commanding bark)
(drawing himself up)
What did you think I saw?
Nasty fellow, that Serious Matt.
(flapping his Podder about)
Quiet! Calm down! I’ll have…
He is interrupted by a flash of white light and a bang. All the kids freeze
mid-panic and stare at the light.
When it fades, DOCTOR WHAT is standing there, looking impassive.
I’ve heard enough.
DOCTOR WHAT reaches into his pocket and pulls out a CB radio, which he holds to
Lesbolover to Sudanases, over.
(VO – tinny – distort)
Initiate LOCKDOWN procedures.
Are you sure?
As sure as sherbert.
DOCTOR WHAT clicks off the radio and turns to face the Pornwatcher students.
Mr Canada, you will escort your students to the Great Hall.
They must take sleeping bags with them.
Er…yes, sir. Are we having an orgy or something?
DOCTOR WHAT turns away from them. LUAKEL gulps as he ISOTs himself away.
INT. – BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
The boiler room seen in the last film. Things have been patched up again since
the meltdown. G.BONE, wearing a suit of armour with the visor tilted up, is
sitting at a big computer console with his armoured feet up on the controls.
Screens show various CCTV views of corridors and rooms throughout the building.
FLOID is manually adjusting various valves and levers attached to a complex
assembly of pipes.
You heard the Doc!
G.BONE salutes – his gauntlet CLANGs into his helmet and knocks his visor down.
Disoriented, he goes sprawling across the controls – on the screens, we see the
floors drop out of rooms and kids falling into the chasm, screaming; stairways’
steps suddenly clicking flat and everyone sliding down them; water fountains
going to full pressure and firing jets of water at passers-by, knocking them
Get on with it!
G.BONE gets up, rubbing parts of his body (or rather the armour over them)
(under his breath)
G.BONE surveys the console, going all over it, and then comes to a large
tinted-glass dome in the middle of it.
Think it’s this…
G.BONE puts his hands on the dome and it breaks in two, the two halves
swivelling back into the console to reveal, beneath, a huge mushroom-shapped red
rubber faintly glowing button. Beneath it is the word ‘LOCKDOWN’.
FLOID and G.BONE both stare at the button – cut to shot of their faces glowing
red in the light and looking reverent, their eyes fixed on it.
That is…one big button.
Looks like it does something very…unsubtle.
Big, and round, and…
Red, and pulsating, and…
Both of them simultaneously reach out for the button, bang into each other, fall
over from the impact and then angrily roll around on the floor, fighting each
I’m going to press it!
They continue to fight across the room, G.BONE’s armour clanging into the pipes
as FLOID attempts to insert his scimitar through the gap in G.BONE’s visor. Pan
back to the console and we see DOCTOR WHAT appear, ISOTing himself in with a
flash. He surveys the button, then grins evilly.
(sighing with pleasure)
DOCTOR WHAT reaches out and presses down on the button with all his might. Red
lights flash everywhere and klaxons blare. FLOID and G.BONE look up from their
fight, halfway through FLOID jabbing his scimitar through G.BONE’s visor.
…how it looks…
DOCTOR WHAT laughs.
MONTAGE OF SCENES
In all of them, the same rotating red lights are flashing and the klaxons are
sounding. A VOICEOVER, a neutral computer female voice, sounds out in the
EXT. – OUTSIDE AH.COM CASTLE – NIGHT
A huge portcullis drops on the main gate, then armoured shields rattle down over
all the windows.
Attention all AH.com students and staff…
INT. – AH.COM – GATEHOUSE – NIGHT
We see huge cogs and gears turning, with puffs of steam, in a huge Victorian
steampunky mechanism as it lowers all the barriers and raises iron spikes out of
holes in the ground, surrounding the whole castle. After a moment, the spikes
flash with electrical charge. Lightning strikes, possibly sympathetically, in
the background, illuminating two PHONESPAMMERS as they drift past in the air.
…this is an important announcement…
INT. – AH.COM – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY/COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
Lit dimly, only by the rotating red lights. MERRYPRANKSTER is chivvying the
students along as we see them grabbing their sleeping bags and other equipment.
PSYCHO picks up a suspicious-looking box with a picture of Alyson Hannigan on
the lid, and a bicycle pump; MICHAEL picks up a box of hatpins; PSYCHO, angrily,
picks up a puncture repair kit; MICHAEL just smiles.
THERMO picks up a large box of biscuits with a plastic tray shaped to the right
biscuits, then pauses to open it and re-position all the biscuits in the wrong
holes, grinning in a faintly unhinged way to himself.
…a LOCKDOWN condition is in process…
We see LEO trying to lift six huge books on various subjects, tottering
backwards under the weight, before giving up and just taking a hardback labelled
Guide to Time Travel, 2216 Edition, in Neo-Mandaic Translation. In big
shiny gold letters.
OTHNIEL briefly tries to lift up his solid gold fembot before shrugging and just
taking a pile of magazines instead.
Finally LUAKEL, glancing fearfully at the speakers from which the voiceover is
coming, takes his GPS polygraph machine from before.
…you’re all perfectly safe so long as you follow these instructions…
The GPS polygraph’s needle spins towards the speaker and it starts bleeping
excitedly. LUAKEL shudders.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE
We pan across between towers to the MISERYGUTS TOWER and through that window.
INT. – MISERYGUTS COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The prefects JOLO and STRAHA are chivvying the Miseryguts students. We see
STRAHA throwing axes at the wall to cut down the n00bs chained to it, and
‘accidentally’ hitting the n00bs instead. JOLO is glancing at a clipboard.
Come on! We’ve got to be the first in
position, show up the others!
JOLO flips over several pages on his clipboard.
Yes, in the hall by 11:30…turn the hall into a huge
algae farm by 11:35…conquer Asia by 11:40…yes,
I’m sure that’s a realistic schedule!
Pan across to the students. HIGHLANDER is trying to stuff his big teddy bear
into his sleeping bag. EVOLVEDSAURIAN is taking a black sleeping bag with the
white lining turned back at the top, so he looks like a pint of Guinness. GBW,
his Thinking Cap on and clicking and whistling at him, is agonising between two
(looking between them)
My latest Commer-slaying weapon…
A complex-looking crossbow with a crossbow bolt shaped like Ann Coulter.
…or my dearest, darling Kilny?
A photo of KILNGIRL grinning girlishly as she wipes something red and sticky
from her hands.
We could always have a nuclear war that kills all of them…
GBW puts on a decisive look, puts down the crossbow, picks up the photo and runs
after HIGHLANDER and EVOLVEDSAURIAN.
…AH.com Castle is now sealed off from the outside world…
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – NIGHT
Pan between towers again.
INT. – KNOWITALL COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The Knowitall common room, which we have not seen before, is similar in basic
design to the other two but there are huge drapes on the walls showing pages
from Wikipedia, and the obligatory chained-up first-years have labels reading
"TEEN" rather than "N00B" or "OTLER". Like the others it is currently dark save
for the red lights.
The Knowitall senior prefect, JARED, is walking around like the others,
chivvying the students along.
Get on with it!
I don’t want to be walking around
banging my head in this darkness
for, for, for ten years!
JARED pauses, stroking his chin thoughtfully.
That gives me an idea…
Pan across to where KIDBLAST and KILNGIRL are hastily packing their things.
KIDBLAST puts a stereo and several albums into his sleeping bag, while KILNGIRL
is also agonising between two items.
Cut to KILNGIRL’s point of view – we see that they are two photos, one of FLOID
and one of GBW.
(looking from one to the other)
Floidy-woidy or Gorgeous GBW?
Kilny, they’re not exactly big pictures.
Why not just take both?
It’s the principle of the thing!
KIDBLAST shrugs and goes. After a miniscule hesitation, KILNGIRL tosses both
photos into her sleeping bag and then follows him.
INT. – KILNGIRL’S SLEEPING BAG
We see the two photos of FLOID and GBW banging into each other.
Get away from me, you Sudanases sad git!
Piss off, you cyborg stalker!
Wait…doesn’t this violate the whole
rule about how in this production
all photos are static as part of the joke
on the moving photos in the original?
You had to use logic and reason, didn’t you?!!
Both photos spontaneously combust.
INT. – KNOWITALL COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
KILNGIRL wrinkles her nose as a wisp of smoke goes past, but shrugs it off.
…you must all report to the Great Hall where you shall sleep this night…
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – NIGHT
As before, we zoom from one tower to the next.
INT. – FUDGEPACKER COMMON ROOM
Much like the others, except that it is far more tastefully decorated. The
first-years are chained up in colour-coordinated cages and are labelled ‘NEKs’.
The senior prefect, LJOFA, is walking around with a megaphone and a scowl,
opening the first-years’ cages.
Get a move on!
We pan across to where FELLATIO NELSON and KIT are packing their things in their
What’ve you gone for, geezer?
KIT wordlessly opens his sleeping bag to reveal ALIKCHI, a second-year student,
inside. He gives a bashful wave.
What about you?
Well, I just brought my collection of Julie Andrews
tapes in the submarine-shaped box, actually,
thought I’d have a quiet night in…
Pan down and then through the lining of FELLATIO’s sleeping bag (X-ray)
to reveal there is indeed a large submarine there, but there’s also a pile of
Julie Andrews video boxes beside it.
The submarine’s hatch opens and a head pops out, a hand emerging from the
periscope. It is holding a cornetto.
That’s what he thinks…
NEK tries to take a bite of his Cornetto, but can’t reach the periscope.
Go back to original view, to see FELLATIO and KIT following LJOFA out of the
…the staff will be at their most vigilant in protecting you…
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – NIGHT
This time go to another part of the building rather than a tower.
INT. – HALLWAY – NIGHT
A hallway with a series of teachers’ offices one after the other. In the
background, one of the moving staircases is visible, with kids hurrying down it
on the way to the Great Hall. They then reappear on an Escher-like upside down
staircase beyond it, waving to the others.
Pan across to the various teachers standing in front of their doors.
This should do the trick!
THANDE reaches out and presses a switch on the wall, immediately jumping back.
Various spray guns emerge from hatches around his door and spray the area in
front of it with coloured liquids. There is apparently no effect, but when
THANDE pulls out a coin and tosses it onto the carpet, it immediately catches
fire and dissolves with a puff of green smoke.
I wonder if I could get Commer to
‘go and fetch something from my office’…?
(shakes his head ruefully)
Pan across to FLOCC, wearing his turban with a pirate’s bicorn perched on top of
it. He pulls out his Podder and points it at the door.
Nothing happens, but when FLOCC opens the door, it suddenly opens out onto a
sunlit Caribbean scene, leading immediately to a plank stretching out
(presumably) from a pirate ship. Visible in the green waters below the plank
are several dorsal fins. FLOCC grins.
Pan across to MrP, looking angry at FLOCC.
(looks at the door)
OK men, you know what to do!
MrP puts on a general’s hat as the door opens to reveal a massive glass-fronted
cabinet of military models and miniatures just inside. As we watch, the glass
front shatters as the models come to life and open fire, then march or drive
down to the ground level in an orderly, disciplined fashion.
Deploy into line! We shall defend this
pass to the last man!
MODEL ERWIN ROMMEL
But zur, zis is madness!
THIS IS AH.COM!
Now, just call me General Jumbo…
In more ways than one.
Pan across to LANDSHARK, giving MrP a dirty look.
LANDSHARK takes a step back and puts a hand on the doorknob of his door.
(Oddly enough his door has both a doorknob and two handles above it.) As he
does so, two panels slide aside in the door and two objects fly out, hammering
into the opposite wall and sticking there. LANDSHARK walks up to them and yanks
one out – we see that they’re both stiletto shoes with literally razor-sharp
There must be a way to make it more
painful without sacrificing stylishness…
Pan across to IRONYUPPIE, smiling fondly at LANDSHARK. She then looks at the
camera, breaking the fourth wall.
Yeah, like my office needs any
protection system beyond my reputation.
Satisfied, the various staff walk away towards the Great Hall.
What? I didn’t hear anyone cast a spell – er, I mean, POD…
One of Sharky’s shoes just stapled me to the wall!
That’s why I only gahed instead of gah!!!ing.
IRONYUPPIE shakes her head.
…you will be informed when the emergency is over…
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – NIGHT
Finally, pan back to the boiler room.
FLOID and G.BONE are watching all the events on the various screens as DOCTOR
WHAT nods in satisfaction.
But, um, dude, one question…
If Serious Matt is in here with us, why are we
locking him in?
You have much to learn.
(leans forward conspiratorially)
Because it’s cool.
G.BONE nods, looking embarrassed.
Now, I’ve got to go and supervise them in the Great Hall…
And then I’ve got a letter to write.
DOCTOR WHAT disappears with a puff of smoke as he ISOTs. FLOID and G.BONE
So…where were we?
He and G.BONE start fighting again.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – GREAT HALL - NIGHT
The lights of the Great Hall go off one by one. We see several more
PHONESPAMMERS drift past, surrounding the hall.
INT. – GREAT HALL – NIGHT
All the tables have been cleared away and the floor is covered entirely with
sleeping bags. We pan down and zoom in, slowly travelling past several groups.
KIDBLAST has his headphones on and is listening to his stereo while dozing,
quite content, while beside him KILNGIRL is looking puzzledly at her burnt-out
photos and generally appearing pensive.
Not far away, but avoiding each others’ gazes, GBW is doing the same to his
photo of KILNGIRL. Behind GBW are a hugely bulging sleeping back rocking from
side to side – HIGHLANDER briefly comes up for air with a grin then ducks back
under – and EVOLVEDSAURIAN has put on a helmet that looks like an ice cube, to
match better with his pint-of-Guinness sleeping bag.
The Fudgepacker students are all lying close together and seem to have slit
holes in the sides of their sleeping bags. Off to one side, beside FELLATIO
NELSON’s sleeping bag, we see a large submarine rocking from side to side and a
Leicestrian voice mumbling something about letting him out.
Finally we come to the Pornwatchers. THERMO and OTHNIEL are sharing a magazine
and munching on biscuits. LEO has stacked up his huge pile of textbooks and put
his sleeping bag on top, thus raising him about three feet above everyone else,
and is asleep. LUAKEL is off to one side, dozing.
We come to PSYCHO, who glances edgily from side to side.
Now’s the chance…
(ducks under covers)
Whoo-ah! Whoo-ah! Whoo-ah!
As he pumps his bicycle pump, an inflatable Alyson Hannigan inflates. PSYCHO
grins inanely. Then MICHAEL pulls out a hatpin and pops her.
Predictable, I know, but it’s a necessary setup.
PSYCHO pulls out his puncture repair kit and seals her up.
Hah! Now what are you going to do?
MICHAEL pulls out a box and bicycle pump of his own, and after a few quick pumps
another inflatable figure emerges…
The INFLATABLE ALYSON HANNIGAN looks up in adoration as an INFLATABLE ALEX
DENISOF arises. Bizarrely, the two of them link hands and then float away,
watched by a puzzled FLOCC and LANDSHARK on guard duty.
Quite realistic I thought.
Pah. It’d be much better if they sewed the top half
of the redhead to the bottom half of the other.
(makes sign of Goat repeatedly over heart)
Pan back to PSYCHO and MICHAEL. PSYCHO reddens in fury.
Angrily, PSYCHO pulls out yet another box, working his bicycle pump furiously,
and a massive inflatable duck pops into life before MICHAEL, who looks at it
Really, Psycho, inflatable isn’t the same
as the real thing, you know.
(pointing at the floating ALYSON)
Chance to find out would be a fine thing!
PSYCHO extends his bicycle pump with a lightsabre ignition sound effect –
MICHAEL does the same – they begin an epic duel in the background with flashes
Pan back around to LUAKEL, who is dozing restlessly. All the others have now
gone to sleep, OTHNIEL face-down in a magazine and THERMO in a biscuit box.
As we watch, a door creaks open and we see DOCTOR WHAT enter, followed from
other doors by THANDE and MERRYPRANKSTER.
LUAKEL immediately closes his eyes but keeps listening.
I’ve over-analysed every corridor,
Headmaster. No sign of him.
He must have evaded our tight security
and got out somehow.
INT. – BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
FLOID and G.BONE are still rolling around on the floor fighting. On the big
computer console, on the biggest screen, we see MATT sauntering past, pausing to
wave to the camera.
Cut back to –
INT. – GREAT HALL – NIGHT
Never mind. Good work, Merry – you may go.
MERRYPRANKSTER nods and leaves. THANDE draws a little closer.
Quite a remarkable feat for him to have
got in and out of the castle on his own,
don’t you think, Headmaster?
(gazing at the sleeping students)
For better or for worse, Blameius,
Matt is a graduate of AH.com. It’s no
wonder that he knows our nooks and
crannies better than these new…
Nonetheless, I wonder if he could have
Headmaster, you may recall that I expressed
reservations about hiring a certain member of staff-
I trust all my employees completely, Blameius.
The fact that you yourself are here, in a position
of responsibility, should be testament to that.
LUAKEL looks curious, but quickly feigns sleep again when DOCTOR WHAT’s gaze
drifts his way.
I do not believe the students are truly
in danger. They may return to their
dormitories on the morrow. We shall
tighten security, of course…
But for now, let them sleep.
(a bit sourly)
As you wish…Headmaster.
The two part and go their separate ways. LUAKEL continues to look thoughtful…
EXT. – OUTSIDE PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – DAY
Next day. OTHNIEL and several other Pornwatchers are looking on, doubtfully,
while FLOID carries away the smashed Dawn French flatscreen.
Couldn’t they have just replaced it
with another flatscreen?
You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
But Doctor What insisted on trying something
that should be unfamiliar to Matt.
An Otler invention.
It’s called a "lock".
Pan around to reveal a keycard swipe lock on the door. OTHNIEL doubtfully walks
up and swipes his card – it beeps red negative at him.
You’re holding the card the wrong way around, Oth…
They all walk away, LEO staggering under a huge pile of books.
Maybe I should think of an Otler invention as well…
No, a trolley.
You should just buy some slaves
from a Confederate timeline, Leo.
Mm. I’d have to okay that with the
Mandaean scriptures of course…
They walk off down the corridor. As they do so, LUAKEL absently brushes past a
radiator, and we see a scrap of torn paper – no, a torn clothing label – fall to
the floor from where it had been wedged in the radiator.
Puzzled, LUAKEL picks it up. It reads:
MADE IN CHINA
Shrugging, he stuffs it in his pocket and runs to keep up with the others.
INT. – GREY WOLF’S CLASSROOM – DAY
LEO once again looks rather pale and drawn. The others, though, just look
shocked and horrified.
And here’s why – we pan around to reveal that standing at the front of the
classroom is THANDE.
(turns off interactive whiteboard)
Now, today we’re going to be studying…
Sir, where’s Professor Wolfe?
That is no concern of yours, Commer.
Twenty points from Pornwatcher, just ’cause.
Suffice to say that Professor Wolfe has found
himself incapable of teaching at the present.
Oh, is it because he’s turned into a wolf,
what with being very obviously a werewolf
on account of his name and that clear hint
about a full moon?
(opens and closes his mouth)
Shut up, Commer.
THANDE pulls out a slide projector and sets it up. LUAKEL blanches.
Are you all right, Luaky?
LUAKEL’s POV – we see WARD’s Vietnam slides flickering in hallucinations about
his head, and the thutter of helicopter blades.
(muttering in blaxploitation accent)
You weren’t there, man! You weren’t there!
THANDE stands up straight and presses a button on the projector. A slide showing
a complex molecular structure comes up. LUAKEL actually sighs with relief.
And now we shall learn how to dissolve Ark Darts
in mid-flight by means of a solution of aqua regia
suitably encapsulated in a cyclodextrin delivery system…
Can anyone tell me the hydrophilic properties of a cyclodextrin?
As usual, no-one raises their hand except LEO, whose hand flies excitedly back
and forth like an inverted pendulum.
(affecting not to notice)
Sir, sir, it has a hydrophobic interior suitable
for binding small aromatic molecules such
as benzene and a more hydrophilic exterior dominated
by primary alcohols at the upper rim and secondary
alcohols at the lower-
(cutting him off)
That is not the first time you have spoken out
of turn, Mr. Caesius. Do you enjoy being an
(out of the corner of his mouth)
Then why didn’t the Sorting Shorts
put him in Knowitall, for goodness sake?
(also out of the corner of his mouth)
Well they tried to put me in Miseryguts…
Er…I said, ‘they tried to cut my slithery nuts’…
If I may interrupt?
That is quite enough.
Another 150 million points from Pornwatcher.
Now, who can tell me the bioavailability
and Lipinskii constants for a simple cyclodextrin?
LEO puts his hand up again, no-one else does, THANDE sighs.
Very well. I shall go over it myself.
But be warned, I shall be setting homework…
THANDE glances out of the window – we see a rumbling thunderstorm approaching.
…and if you happen to die during the NewsPosting
match, Commer, I shall employ a medium to ensure
you finish it.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – BATTLEMENTS – DAY
The stormclouds are already gathering over the castle at daybreak, and the sun
only weakly manages to pierce them. However, as one ray of light shines through
onto the AH.com battlements, we see a COCKEREL appear and call:
For, of course, a GIANT HAND with long, red-painted claw-like fingernails
snatches the COCKEREL off the battlements and stuffs it into the befang’ed mouth
of the VAMPING WILLOW. Feathers fly everywhere.
Pan down to the battlements, where PSYCHO is standing and holding an empty cage,
looking blissful. As lightning flashes and thunder rumbles faroff, we see
MICHAEL, wearing oilskins, appear through a door that opens in a nearby tower.
MICHAEL gives PSYCHO a measuring look, attempts to light a cigar, scowls when
the rain and wind put it out.
So, you’ve lost that rooster then?
I thought it was some precious
Oh, more than that. When the tribal elders
find out I’ve let the sacred bird be killed,
they’ll hunt me down and give me the
traditional punishment, an atomic wedgie.
So what’s with all the happy-happy?
(looks faintly disgusted)
Well, at least now I can say Alyson’s eaten my cock.
I see. Well, fortunately, I anticipated your bad pun
and provided an appropriate countermeasure.
MICHAEL casually leans on a torch bracket in the wall – it twists and the stones
beneath PSYCHO grind aside. He goes toppling, screaming, through the resulting
Don’t forget to write.
We hear another rumble of thunder, but it is echoed by a closer, more organic
rumbling sound. MICHAEL looks up to see that the VAMPING WILLOW is looking at
him with a…thoughtful expression.
(as the shadow grows over him)
EXT. – NEWSPOSTING STADIUM – DAY
If anything, the stormy weather has got worse. We pan down on the huge,
oval-shaped NewsPosting stadium, which looks the same as when we saw it in the
last film. In the centre is the massive, tower-like cylinder which is the
eponymous Post, with the hole in the top current sealed by a large cork. Around
the sides are the various stands. We see the Fudgepacker and Pornwatcher
colours, pink and red respectively, being worn by the supporters and so the
stands are a sea of these colours.
Pan around to where the FUDGEPACKER NEWSPOSTING TEAM – consisting of KIT,
FELLATIO, ALIKCHI, NOMADICSKY and others – is hovering in midair on their
high-powered vacuum cleaners. KIT is looking rather queasy, as we can see as a
lightning flash illuminates his expression.
I knew we should have chosen a nice pastel aquamarine.
Never! Dark blue is the way to go.
(gazes off into space)
Dark blue…so dark…almost black…black…
like the never-ending blackness of the dark abyss, and-
KIT diplomatically slaps FELLATIO, who snaps back to himself.
Let’s just try to get this one won before
I throw up and immeasurably improve
the colour balance.
The FUDGEPACKERS all thrust a fist into the air and cheer, initially
Roman-style, but then with a worrying little flourish at the end.
Pan across to the NEWS POST where referee MrP is floating on his own vacuum
cleaner. He’s wearing an anorak, in referee-black, and looking grim. The rain is
beating down on him particularly hard.
A bad day.
(peers owlishly up at clouds)
A good thing I didn’t bring any of my models,
this’d dissolve any glue.
MrP shifts a little uncomfortably on his vacuum cleaner and we hear a strange
squeaking sound. He pulls the front of his anorak out and looks down inside.
Damn and blast!
The black dye’s run onto the white apron…
Pan across again to the PORNWATCHERS, flying their own vacuum cleaners and
limbering up. As before the team is captained by ARCHANGEL MICHAEL and the other
players consist of IMAJIN, HERMANUBIS and of course LUAKEL.
Remember, guys, Fell’s been drilling the Fudgepackers
hard with his "Healthy Outdoorsy Stuff" training regime.
They’ve got a wicked attack in the rear and I’ve seen
them display a truly terrifying tackle.
So we’ll need to be on our best performance!
HERMANUBIS, IMAJIN, LUAKEL
The PORNWATCHERS make their trademark ‘wanker’ hand gesture and zoom up into
Cut to –
EXT. – STADIUM – STANDS – DAY
OTHNIEL and LEO are both in the stands wearing red Pornwatcher supporter
costumes. Behind them, THERMO is the only person in the entire stadium wearing
yellow, and is cheering in French for a team from another country. Everyone else
is ignoring him.
OTHNIEL pulls out a large bucket of popcorn, looks disappointed when the rain
immediately begins to wet it.
Oh, English is such an imperfect and unpoetical
language. Why, the Mandaeans would describe
a terrible squall like this one as… ’anakh-nda’sabadzja’t…
Well obviously I’m not entirely qualified to translate
(laughs slightly to himself)
but I believe the most direct interpretation would be…
We’d better win this fast, or
there could be accidents, collisions…
You’re right. Visibility must be down to almost zero.
I wonder how they’ll cope…
LEO and OTHNIEL both pull out huge oversized pairs of binoculars and begin to
follow the action. THERMO takes the opportunity to steal OTHNIEL’s popcorn.
Focus on: the NEWS POST, with MrP and now the two teams hovering around it. Both
teams have huge numbers on the backs of their strips – 1, 2, 3, 4, except
HERMANUBIS who has 55 for some reason.
Now, I want a good clean fight, alright?
In this weather it’d be hard to be anything but!
Bah, you call this weather!
Why, there was this one time in the Bay of Biscay…
KIT shushes him. MrP continues.
Right, now, the coin toss.
MrP reaches into his anorak and withdraws, with some difficulty, that
multi-kilogram commemorative Canadian gold coin the size of a Frisbee.
Here we go!
MrP hurls the coin like a discus. It goes spinning into the crowd. We FOLLOW it
– it goes flying into the staff box, hits FLOCC’s turban/bicorn, bounces off,
hits THANDE on the head and knocks him out, and finally comes to rest near
DOCTOR WHAT, who glances down at the unseen face and gives MrP a thumb’s-up.
Ooh, can I have heads as well?
Heads plural, that sounds interesting-
I knew we should have done this with a collection of
three 27-sided dice and a sophisticated random number generator…
Er, why are we tossing a coin anyway?
Buggered if I know.
(shakes his head)
Okay, fine, let’s just, you know, start, old boy.
MrP goes over to the NEWS POST, takes hold of the cork, and attempts to pull it
free. The cork strains…vibrates…
And finally POPS from the hole in the top of the post, hurling MrP through the
air. The News Stories, glowing indistinct bubble-like globes, immediately begin
to pour out of the hole at a terrific rate. They go flying everywhere – we see
ALIKCHI hit by two of them in rapid succession and he nearly loses a grip on his
vacuum cleaner – IMAJIN narrowly dodges one about a republican nationalist
revolution in Austria-Hungary and crosses himself frantically.
We follow MrP turning over and over in the air, clinging desperately to the
cork, until he goes SPLAT like an insect against a glass-fronted room at the top
of one of the stadium towers. Behind the rain-splashed glass we see the bruised
figure of FLOID reach out and press a button, and dispassionately watch as huge
windscreen wipers scrape MrP off the glass.
FLOID puts a microphone to his lips – as before, he is commentating.
And here we are at the opening match of the
253364257th "Political Correctness Gone Mad"
Commemorative AH.com NewsPosting Cup.
Fudgepacker vs. Pornwatcher, and some of the
worst weather we’ve had for a NewsPosting match
in living memory, in fact…
(squints through the glass)
I can barely follow any of the action…
Tight on – LUAKEL and ARCHANGEL MICHAEL flying together on their vacuum
cleaners. Mist and rain are all about them and only the closest News Stories are
visible. As we watch, ARCHANGEL (with practiced skill), grabs three of
them in close succession, then discards all three with an angry expression as he
I can’t make out if they’re duds or not
until I’ve already caught them!
Yeah. Still, at least the Fudgepackers
have the same problem…
Pan across to where all four Fudgepacker players are clustered close together,
with similar visibility problems.
Well? Are you ready?
(tapping his nose knowingly)
All in hand, geezer.
FELLATIO pulls out a simple radio set and sends a quick series of Morse beeps.
Another set of beeps comes back.
He’s in position. Alright everyone, you know what to do!
The FUDGEPACKERS nod and split up. We see FELLATIO listening to his radio as it
Pan down to the bottom of the stadium, near the base of the spectators’ stands.
The rain is so bad that there are now several feet of water covering the grass,
a veritable sea which even has its own small waves.
The camera goes THROUGH the surface of the "sea" and we see the gloomy, murky
greyness below, with the surface above constantly distorting as more drops of
rain hit it. Then a sinister-looking SHADOW looms past, propelled by a bubbling
It’s a submarine!
We zoom in THROUGH the sub’s hull…
INT. – SUBMARINE – DAY
The sub is, in fact, tiny, only just man-sized. Cramped inside it is NEK,
struggling with a torch in his mouth, another Morse radio set and a
stereotypical sonar display with a sweeping line going round and round.
(slurring around the reading light)
Here goesh noshing.
NEK pulls a lever and we hear clanking sounds.
Shree degreesh up bubble!
Up shonar apparatush!
Cut to – exterior view again – the submarine rises towards the surface of the
water and extends a periscope up out of the surface. On the tip of the periscope
is a turning radar/sonar dish, which spins around and sends out oscillating
Return to NEK poring over his display. A wave of green light goes across it and
then reflects back, showing countless moving dots, some of which are
Okay, there’sh the good shtories…
NEK begins tapping at his Morse display.
Thish’ll win it ush for shure!
EXT. – SUBMARINE – DAY
Exterior view once more, now with background beeps coming from the sub as it
relays the information to the FUDGEPACKER players. Far above, we can dimly see
figures on vacuum cleaners diving after News Stories, and the FUDGEPACKERS are
suddenly moving with new purpose, catching story after story and slamming it
into the hole in the post. We hear the ching-ching-ching of points ratcheting
Oh! And another fifty points to Fudgepacker!
How are they doing it…?
Suddenly something rolls over the sub’s periscope and crushes it, dish and all.
Pull out to reveal that it is in fact the huge cork from before, with MrP in his
anorak atop it and using his vacuum cleaner like an oar. He continues sculling
onwards, unaware that behind him the sub is damaged and surfacing.
(muttering to himself)
Damned Floid…this is his revenge for
that ark business…and now I’ve got
water in my vacuum cleaner…
Behind MrP we see the submarine slowly sinking as water gets in. The entire
conning tower flips off like a hatch and we see NEK desperately waving.
S-O-S! Piracy on the high seas!
Stop! Requesting rescue! Stop!
As he speaks, MrP starts to turn back and help him, then keeps halting every
time NEK says ‘Stop’
Make your mind up, please!
On reflection I’d quite like a rescue!
MrP rows the cork around, back to the sub, and manages to grab NEK just as the
sub sinks underwater. The cork is small enough that they’re both trying to stay
afloat on a small surface that’s already halfway underwater.
(looking at the sub)
Hmm! Interesting design. Not unlike
an ultra-pocketed variant of the Italian
SLC as used to sink the Valiant
Lovely QE-class superdreadnought
sunk by a measly Eye-tie torpedo…
Still, that only happened in boring old WW2…
(gasping for breath)
What were you doing there, anyway?
Er…forming a sub culture?
The awfulness of this pun causes spectators hundreds of yards away to scream and
topple from their seats, crashing into the waters with depth-charge-like
Really? Well, what do you think to this, old boy?
MrP opens his anorak, unseen to the camera. NEK pales.
MrP grins evilly.
Cut to: - FELLATIO tapping his radio with a frown. KIT zips past.
It’s not working anymore!
Must be a problem.
Maybe he spilt a Cornetto on the controls.
Never mind. We’ve already built up a hundred-point
lead, all we have to do is hold on…
Pan across to LUAKEL and ARCHANGEL MICHAEL again.
Come on, we’ve got to catch up!
ARCHANGEL MICHAEL grabs a glowing news-story ball, quickly looks at it, then
nods and hurls it at the News Post. Tight on the story as it rolls around the
edge of the hole, then falls in –
And we hear klaxons and red lights flash, only dimly through the rain.
"Ahem ahem"! An already posted story!
Twenty minutes in the penalty box!
ARCHANGEL goes red with fury, but complies, moving off to the penalty box.
Come on Luaky, only you can save us now!
Yeah, don’t worry! I’ll find a way that we can win anyway!
(under his breath)
LUAKEL sights on a few News Stories, grabs one or two, tosses them in. He goes
for a third, but it zips upwards slightly. He follows…
View of the stadium and the clouds/mist surrounding it. LUAKEL rises above the
top edge of the mist, thousands of feet up, to find that some News Stories are
flying about above the top of it, clearly visible. He grins, though he’s clearly
gasping for air.
This’ll do it!
LUAKEL goes for a particularly big and flashy News Story, grabs it and hurls it
A surprised IMAJIN grabs the ball as it flies into his hands, then dunks it.
More cha-ching sounds.
And twenty points for Pornwatcher!
They’re beginning to make up the difference…
Cut back to LUAKEL as he goes for another News Story. We hear distant voices.
LUAKEL glances down, distracted, to see the tiny figure of MICHAEL being chased
around the school grounds by a much larger figure.
But I’ve never had Australian before!
Gahh! Go for DMA or something, he
actually likes huge murderous monsters!
LUAKEL shakes his head in amusement, then looks back at his News Story. It’s got
a little further away, so he speeds off in pursuit, gets there –
And a shadow falls across him. What little colour there was in the stormy scene
seeps away. In the background, lightning flashes, but there is no thunder…
A PHONESPAMMER, SMTCL, looms in his face. The lightning flash illuminates the
skeletal features and rotting flesh inside the hood.
UNLOCKED NOKIA 871274a @ JUST 74$!!!!!111
As we watch, LUAKEL loses consciousness and thus his grip on the vacuum cleaner.
He falls into and through the clouds, the PHONESPAMMERS flying around him like
vultures. His vacuum cleaner goes speeding away on a random tangent.
EXT. – STADIUM – TEACHERS’ BOX
THANDE is picking himself up, rubbing a bump on his head and looking around him
with a dirty look. The others are squinting, trying to make out the match.
Not the most photogenic match…
DOCTOR WHAT looks up, apparently seeing something through the opaque clouds. He
pulls out his Podder and aims it.
Quick pan down to – MrP and NEK, still floating on the cork.
Vae. It’s Latin for Gah. I thought it would be more appropriate.
(looking at MrP’s outfit)
Oh. Well in that case…Vaeus Maximus…
Cut back to – DOCTOR WHAT as he flicks his Podder – a trampoline indeed appears
in the middle of the stadium – LUAKEL’s falling body hits it, bounces up, down
again, slowly coming to a rest. DOCTOR WHAT’s expression darkens when he sees
the PHONESPAMMERS hungrily flying around him.
Blameius, Incanus, deal with those…things.
I’m going to bring Mr Commer in.
And I’ll come up with some postscripts for that letter…
THANDE and GREY WOLF give each other mutually distrustful looks, then
EXT. – AH.COM GROUNDS – DAY
Still in his oilskins, MICHAEL is desperately running away from the VAMPING
WILLOW. Finally he finds himself trapped against a cliff face and turns around,
looking up as she looms over him.
Come to me my pretty…
MICHAEL gulps – a split second later, LUAKEL’s pilotless vacuum cleaner comes
randomly flying out of the clouds and hits the VAMPING WILLOW straight between
the eyes. It shatters into pieces. The WILLOW’s eyes roll back and she totters
back and forth, losing consciousness.
Well that was rather good luck, wasn’t it?
The WILLOW collapses on top of him.
Bits of LUAKEL’s vacuum cleaner slowly fall to earth around them, mixing with
Blackness. We slowly fade up, light and sound…
Doesn’t look well, does he?
INT. – AH.COM CASTLE – SICKBAY – DAY
LUAKEL suddenly sits upright. Outside, it’s still raining, but more scattered
LEO and OTHNIEL catch him as he slumps back.
Dr. Torq said you weren’t supposed to make
any sudden movements…
OTHNIEL and LEO exchange glances.
Oh crap, it was a Phonespammer, wasn’t it?
You fell off your vacuum cleaner, Luaky.
If Doctor What hadn’t caught you just before
you hit the ground…
Oh really??! Well that’s charming!
LEO and OTHNIEL exchange confused glances.
He couldn’t be bothered to do it LAST year
when I broke my arm and that wanker Novus withered it!
Hey, don’t talk about, er, that way…
(smiles in reminiscence)
Anyway, you seem to be okay.
So what about the match? Who…
(sees their expressions)
The Fudgepackers won it.
It wasn’t your fault, Luaky –
those Phonespammers shouldn’t
have been on the pitch in the first place –
(more confused than sad)
But I’m the Mary Sue-ish good guy!
I always win!
There was one other thing, as well…
Your vacuum cleaner…
Cut to –
EXT. – NEAR AH.COM CASTLE – DAY
The huge unconscious VAMPING WILLOW is still sprawled over a cliff face. As we
watch, MICHAEL manages to drag himself from underneath her. Pale, he spits
frantically all over his body, even though it’s already a downpour.
MICHAEL backs away, along the cliff face, until he comes near the edge of the
Inadvisable Copse. We see his back strike a surface. He turns around…
We are near DMA’S CAVE. DMA himself is nowhere to be seen, but outside we can
see washing on a line slung between three wooden posts – the posts are giant
sized, made of whole tree trunks sharpened to a point and thrust into the
There are vast quantities of washing, some of it obviously DMA’s own, but there
is also a mauve tutu with the label ‘WHAT’S TUTU OF LURVE’ on the back, one of
LANDSHARK’s frock coats, and…a pair of trousers with many colourful chemical
stains on them…
We can practically see the wheels turning in MICHAEL’s mind as he considers the
situation – he snaps his fingers and a barbecue grill (in lieu of a lightbulb
as he’s Australian) appears above his head.
I have a great idea…
He takes a step towards the washing line, then pauses and shrugs.
Ah, DMA’s a fellow convict, he’ll understand.
Time lapse – MICHAEL slowly levering one of the huge sharpened logs out of the
ground, throwing most of the clothing aside –
Pan up again to reveal that MICHAEL has strung THANDE’s elasticated trousers
between the two posts and is now stretching them back, staggering under the
weight of the huge third post which is positioned in the trousers. Camera
switches angle to show that the log is aimed at the still unconscious form of
the VAMPING WILLOW…
Now if I was Psycho I’d come up with a really
awful pun like ‘there’s a lot at stake’, but…pfft.
MICHAEL lets go. The trousers TWANNNNG! and hurl the giant sharpened
stake at the VAMPING WILLOW. A perfect shot – the stake hits her huge heart
dead-on and buries itself in it. The WILLOW lets out a gasp even as DMA, in a
string vest and Bermuda shorts, and with his chin covered in shaving foam and
holding a razor in one hand, emerges from the cave.
G’day, cobber, what’re you –
(catches sight of dying WILLOW)
Why – you big figjam! You’ve kelly’d
me exy dux and no mistake!
MICHAEL backs away as DMA approaches, threateningly looming over him.
In my defence, it was very cool!
I suppose there is that…
A sound from the side. Both Australians turn to see the WILLOW rapidly
collapsing into a shrivelled corpse and then ashes, as vampires do, and all that
is left is a huge pile of dust…from which emerges a battered, wild-eyed figure
wearing a Viking helmet.
Hey, isn’t that one of the pippers?
THE BALD IMPOSTER
Thank God I’m out – I’ve been stuck in there
since I arrived early at the start of term
and she ate me!
(looks around accusingly)
You could have looked!
So many Knowitalls to keep track of…
As BALDIE stumps off towards the castle, DMA looks back at MICHAEL, his anger
Er – look, it’s a vampire, you just need blood to revive it…
What a bonza idea!
DMA swishes his razor in MICHAEL’s face – the latter screams, runs away and they
begin an epic cartoon-like chase in the background. Pan down to reveal a
fragment of LUAKEL’s vacuum cleaner lying in the dust –
Dissolve to show the same fragment in LEO’s hand as he hands it to LUAKEL.
(staring at it)
It was destroyed?
I’m sorry, man…
Oh well, I’ll just have to buy another using
that enormous personal fortune of mine that
we saw in the first film.
You’re using logic and reason again, Luaky…
The three chums laugh and slap each other on the back.
INT. – STAFFROOM – DAY
All the staff are assembled. DMA has a boomerang-shaped bruise on his face and
THANDE’s trousers keep falling down, much to his puzzlement.
(in commanding tones)
Alright! Let’s get that letter of complaint written!
Montage of scenes with various teachers shouting suggestions and DOCTOR WHAT
writing frantically with a biro. Finally he sits back and smiles approvingly at
the resulting letter, which promptly bursts into flames.
Get me some more fireproof paper!
DOCTOR WHAT pulls a fire extinguisher off the wall, aims it at the burning
letter and presses the button – a white jet extinguishes the flame but also
bounces off and hits most of the teachers in the faces. They all lick their lips
Strange…Zesty aromas of apple balanced with a delicate floral note…
accentuated by crisp refreshing acidity…with buttery flavour
and combined with a lingering complex finish…
I think you’ve got your fire extinguishers
mixed up again, Bruno-us.
DOCTOR WHAT shrugs unapologetically.
INT. – AH.COM CASTLE – CORRIDOR – DAY
LUAKEL, still looking a bit pale and shaky, is walking down the corridor when he
passes a door – the door to GREY WOLF’s classroom. As he does so, he glances in,
and we see GREY WOLF standing, oddly, in front of a red pillar box. He posts a
letter, then stands back and points his Podder at the pillar box:
Actually, as Isot is an invented modern
acronym, it is not at all obvious what the
correct Latin verb form would be, and so
I believe I shall refrain from –
Oh, who am I kidding.
Shaking his head and smiling thinly, LUAKEL walks in. GREY WOLF glances at him.
Um, fuck, Luaky, it’s you.
(nods at where pillar box was)
Why did you post a letter?
I thought we Althistorians all used email,
except when using telegraphy for the sake
of steampunk coolness.
Um, usually, you’re right, but
there are some things you need
a letter for…
Cut to –
EXT. – WASHINGTON DC – THE WHITE HOUSE – DAY
As before, the flag above the White House keeps changing design every few
seconds. The first few bars of "Hail to the Chief" plays, but rapidly medleys
into "Rule, Britannia", the Marseillaise and others.
INT. – MR_BONDOC’S OFFICE – DAY
As we saw it before, MR_BONDOC is behind his desk and the other senior officials
of the Department of Althistory – GRIMM REAPER and DAVE HOWERY among others –
are seated in front of him. They are in the middle of an argument.
…don’t care how you spin it!
Have you heard the stories coming
out of that school?!
Some Things To Consider…
Consider That I Really Don’t Care.
GRIMM REAPER opens his mouth, but as he does so, the red pillar box ISOTs in and
lands on his foot.
Ouch, that really hurt.
The pillar box rotates like a turret towards MR_BONDOC and fires the letter at
him. It unfolds in midair and hits him in the face.
Consider that I’ve Got A Paper Cut!!
In the Eye!
MR_BONDOC collapses. As GRIMM REAPER extricates his foot from under the pillar
box and starts hopping around, DAVE HOWERY picks up the letter and reads it.
Whoa. Both intestines?
DAVE HOWERY walks over to MR_BONDOC, who is desperately working on his eye with
a hotel sewing kit.
It’s exactly what I’ve been saying all along.
Those Phonespammers are a bigger threat to
our kids than Matt himself, and they haven’t
stopped him getting in anyway!
Consider that My Position Is Unchanged.
Consider that I am a Conviction Politician.
Consider that I Did What I Thought Was Right.
Disgusted, DAVE HOWERY throws his hands in the air and storms off. GRIMM REAPER
is left there, with a musing expression and holding his left foot in the air.
Perhaps it is for the best.
Truly, the weaker students will perish
and the strong will survive…
(winks at camera)
Dammit, I’m evil.
Cut back to – LUAKEL and GREY WOLF in GREY WOLF’s classroom.
Professor, I wanted to ask you something.
Um, fuck, go ahead…
Those Phonespammers…you’ve fought them before.
Can you teach me how to do those spells, er I mean PODs?
(sucks in a breath)
Well. Those are quite advanced spells, I mean PODs.
We’re not talking Confederate victory here…
Please, sir. I just feel so helpless when they spam in my face.
Oh, all right. Meet me here the Wednesday after next.
Why not the one before?
Oh, is it because it’s a full moon and you’ll be
TURNING INTO A WOLF??!
Um, gosh, you’ve guessed my secret, how clever.
LUAKEL is left rolling his eyes as GREY WOLF leaves.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – DAY
A week later. It’s now winter, and snow is falling quite heavily on the castle
and grounds. As we’re near San Francisco, this is quite unexpected. A wider
pull-back reveals that the clouds and snow abruptly come to a halt, as on an
ISOT-line, about half a mile from the castle and then the balmy Californian
Pan down to the edge of the Inadvisable Copse, where DMA is standing near a huge
conical pile of dust. He’s sweating from work and holding a dustpan and brush;
as we watch, he tips a last load of dust on the pile, then wipes the sweat from
his brow with the back of his hand.
Sorted, no worries!
DMA glances up at the sky, at the sun weakly peeping through the snow, and then
licks his finger and holds it up. After a moment, he nods.
Constellation of Kasterberus is in the eighth house,
the Seven Grooms for Seven Sisters are in the twelfth flat,
and the astrologists are in the tea room!
(rubs his hands together)
DMA pulls out a large hatpin and extends his left hand over the pile of dust.
Dramatically, he plunges the hatpin into the palm of his hand –
The pin bends.
As DMA drops the bent pin, shaking his hands, we hear a strange sound from
behind him. He turns without surprise to see a massive shadowy shape lolloping
towards him through the snowstorm. In moments, it is resolved: the huge
SUCCESSFUL SEALION from the end of the last film.
G’day! What’s your colour, my little bleeder?
(sudden thoughtful expression)
That gives me one tophole notion, mates…
(straightens his collar)
You know, using them Rhine barges to
cross the English Channel when the
Luftwaffe has been unable to achieve
air superiority doesn’t seem very likely to succeed-
The SEALION, its eyes glowing red with anger, shrieks and hurls itself atop DMA,
unsheathing huge fangs.
The camera is jarred and then pulls back, until the two fighting figures and the
pile of dust are out of sight.
Agh! I’m bleeding out an’ dying!
We hear a strange, soft, organic sound, like….shwwwiiiip.
Throw another shrimp on the barbie!
We hear a feminine roar and thunderous footsteps.
No, Willow! Stop trying to eat me Sealion!
The camera pans away, towards the AH.com castle again, through a window…
INT. – AH.COM CASTLE – PORNWATCHER THIRD YEAR DORMITORY – DAY
LUAKEL is sitting at the window, looking disconsolate. As we watch, MICHAEL, one
leg in plaster, is pushed away in a wheelchair by PSYCHO, who looks rather
So lucky…so lucky…
…had Alyson press her flesh against you…
Um, yeah, isn’t it a shame that…DMA killed her?
PSYCHO nods, almost snapping the handles off MICHAEL’s wheelchair as his fists
clench in anger. MICHAEL cups his hand around his mouth and talks confidentially
to the camera:
Look, I know I should be gloating about it,
but I’m not giving up this useful slave labour
from feeding him little ‘anecdotes’ about the incident,
and furthermore, after DMA broke my leg, a little
revenge is needed…
Are you planning something, then?
When we get to Iansburg, I’m going straight to
Adam Denton’s Emporium of WMDs and
I’ll buy something to wipe the smile off that
(to camera again)
Of course DMA might survive anyway and attack Psycho in revenge.
Win-win scenario, pretty much.
PSYCHO pushes MICHAEL away, still ranting.
We pan back to see LUAKEL still staring unhappily out of the window, while LEO
and OTHNIEL are packing bags. Those two are wearing cold-weather fur coats.
It’s not fair. Why should they stop me going
to Iansburg? It’s not as though Matt hasn’t got
in here anyway on his own…
Life’s not fair, Luaky. Anyway, you know what to do.
Disregard the rules in a piece of juvenile delinquency
that places our lives and others’ at risk?
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL grin and high-five, while LEO looks disapproving.
So what are you planning?
LUAKEL hunts through his bag for a moment, then pulls out a vial of clear fluid,
which he brandishes triumphantly.
Hey, isn’t that-
(recognises it instantly, of course)
You’re going to take on someone else’s form!
I had a little left over from that
adventure last year.
Luaky, I’ve told you before – we’re not allowed
to refer to events in past books explicitly until Book 4…
Isn’t this a film?
LUAKEL uncorks the vial and lifts it high, holding it up to the light.
(still sounds disapproving)
So whose hair are you going to use?
Whose form are you going to take on?
LUAKEL nods at one of the empty beds.
Thermo has permission to go, but he’s fallen ill.
So I might as well go in his place.
And anyway, if I look like him, Matt won’t
recognise me anyway.
Oh dear, that’s rather reasonable.
Why is Thermo ill, anyway?
Cut to –
INT. – TOILETS – DAY
The toilet block we saw in the last film. THERMO is kneeling in front of a
toilet and being heartily sick into it, while beside him, nestled on the seat of
the next toilet along, is a goldfish bowl, inside of which is THERMO’s goldfish
Anglosaxon. There is also some gravel, a little castle model of AH.com, and a
spinning globe. As we watch, the fish randomly puts out a fin and stops the
globe – zoom in – the fin rests on Belgium. The fish appears to grin, dives into
the castle, and a moment later a tiny T-54 ‘fish tank’ drives out with
Anglosaxon in the cupola, scattering the gravel.
(shakes his head)
Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten all that dark chocolate…
After a moment’s consideration, THERMO shakes his head once more and manages a
No—it was worth it.
That Glorious Darkness…
THERMO’s cheeks bulge and he is once again sick into the toilet.
A few cubicles along, the ghost Moaning Max (MAX SINISTER) walks through
the wall and shakes his head angrily at THERMO.
(pulls out large purple spray bottle)
It’ll take all my Siegheil Bang!™ to clean that up!
In my experience it’s better just to move it somewhere else.
Cut back to – Pornwatcher dormitory as before. LUAKEL is now leaning over
Where is it…where is it…ah!
LUAKEL grabs a single black hair from the pillow, then drops it in his vial. We
hear a hiss and the solution changes colour, to a vivid grey.
Are you sure about this, Luaky?
Remember what happened to me…
Don’t worry, Leo!
What could possibly go wrong?
LUAKEL downs the vial, making a face at the disgusting taste.
Any minute now…
LUAKEL suddenly screams and falls backwards onto the bed. As we watch, silver
scales suddenly sprout all over his body, tearing through his clothes and
covering his skin. Gills pop into existence on both sides of his neck and his
feet and hands turn halfway into fins.
That wasn’t supposed to happen, was it?
LUAKEL is gasping for air, or rather water. He lumbers up on his legs/fins,
manages to drag himself over to the sink, and puts his head underwater. We hear
What happened there?
Maybe it was the same as happened to you.
It never works properly if it’s animal hair.
Well, true, he does look a bit like a fish, and Thermo
has a pet fish, but fish don’t have hair…
Ooh, a Puzzling Conundrum.
As we watch, OTHNIEL pulls out his ‘Importantplotpointometer’ and nods
significantly as it beeps.
Better sort this out.
LEO points his Podder at fish-LUAKEL and yells:
A bolt of light emanates from LEO’s Podder and hits fish-LUAKEL, who flashes and
turns back to normal. However, his clothes have been mostly ripped up by the
scales. LUAKEL comes up for air, red in the face and sopping wet.
Well, that could have gone better.
See you later then, Luaky?
LEO and OTHNIEL leave, leaving LUAKEL behind. He sighs and points his Podder at
his ripped clothes.
The clothes repair themselves.
What? Sorry, you caught me while my mouth was
full of a dee-licious polystyrene casserole.
Ignoring this, LUAKEL sighs again, goes to his bunk, sits down and hunts around
for a book…
When HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN walk into the room. They are both wearing large fur
coats; HERMANUBIS’ bears the legend ‘Product of Michiganian Alaska’ while
IMAJIN’s says ‘Product of Austro-Hungarian Kamchatka’. They offer LUAKEL twin
Oh, hi guys. What are you doing here?
Shouldn’t you be in Iansburg?
(shakes his head)
Nahh, Luaky, when you’ve licked the diamond dust off one
naked supermodel, you’ve licked it off of them all.
We’ve got bored of Iansburg by now. But it’s a shame you’re missing out.
Especially after the NewsPosting match. We may have lost,
but thanks to your play, it wasn’t by too much.
And after…what happened, we thought you could
use some cheering up.
So, what are you here for?
They grin again and sit down on either side of LUAKEL.
We’re here to bestow upon you the secrets of our success, young Luaky.
And here it is.
HERMANUBIS hands LUAKEL a much-folded piece of parchment.
A blank piece of paper??
Is this some kind of Zen?
It may look that way now…but…
IMAJIN taps the paper with his Podder.
"I solemnly swear that I am putting both
mine and others’ lives in danger".
Suddenly, the blank paper comes to life, lines of ink appearing on the surface
and forming words…
LUAKEL watches in awe as he reads out loud the words that appear before him.
(eyes on the paper)
Pantsless and Thongs are proud
to present the Pornhoarder’s BAM?"
That’s the one, Luaky.
But…a Big-Arsed Map?
They’re really rare and expensive, and
only made by Crowe and Knighte Ltd.!
Smeary reminiscy effect fades to –
EXT. – COINCIDENT ALLEY – LONDON, ONTARIO – DAY
A large shop on Coincident Alley with a sign showing a coat of arms – crows
riding on the back of swans quartered with knights riding on the back of Abraham
A big sign saying ‘The Fortress of Bamitude’. The windows are full of colourful
cubic blocks the size of footballs.
The door swings open with a jangle that sounds like part of the soundtrack of an
anime, and we go through –
INT. – THE FORTRESS OF BAMITUDE – DAY
There is a counter and customer area, but the vast majority of the interior is
taken up with a massive warehouse. Throughout it, employees wearing black
ninja-like robes push barrows, drive forklift trucks etc. full of the blocks we
On a dais overseeing it all are two figures wearing the same robes but with red
elite lining. These are SCARECROW and SHADOW KNIGHT. SCARECROW is eating a baked
potato and SHADOW KNIGHT is licking an ice cream.
As we watch, SCARECROW scowls at something off-camera and raises a megaphone to
Oi! You lot! Be careful with that peninsula, it took
twelve hours to get those crinkles filled in just right -
There’s a sound like an avalanche off-camera and SCARECROW sighs.
Back to the drawing board.
SCARECROW nods and we pan around to see the middle of the warehouse – which,
thanks to mag- I mean Althistory is bigger on the inside, more like the
size of the Vehicle Assembly Building at NASA. Small clouds are visible near the
ceiling. A series of huge scaffolds, as tall as skyscrapers, hold a massive
wireframe in place.
As we watch, the NINJAS, as tiny as ants, slot each cubic block into place. They
are of a variety of colours.
Suddenly, we realise that the blocks, seen from a distance, blur to make up the
outlines of cities, continents, words. They are PIXELS. And, from SHADOW KNIGHT
and SCARECROW’s viewpoint of perhaps a mile away, the whole forms a map of North
America, as tall as the Empire State Building.
(puts a pipe in his mouth)
Now THAT’S what I call a Big-Arsed Map.
One of the NINJAS teeters on his precarious pose on the wireframe and topples to
the ground with a scream, trailing most of Cape Cod behind him. SCARECROW swears
incomprehensibly in Australian.
Never mind, Brother Crowe,
we’ll just whack up the price
a few more dollarpoundeuroubleyuans.
The two of them laugh and walk away.
Cut back to – IMAJIN, HERMANUBIS, LUAKEL in the PORNWATCHER DORMITORY.
So how did you afford it?
We didn’t buy it, we stole it.
Not that it was a Knighte and Crowe product
in the first place, Luaky. This was a home-made
one. But a bloody good one…
I didn’t know there were home-made BAMs.
And who are these Horny, Tinfoil, Pantsless and Thongs?
Jacques Marquette knows.
But who cares?
We found it in Floid’s office,
all the way back in our first year…
Oh cripes, not more reminiscence.
It’s the law, Luaky.
MORE SMEARY REMINISCENCE EFFECT.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE (SEPIA) – DAY
A flickering sepia image of AH.com. Instead of the New York taxis seen before,
we see STEAM WAGONS trundling up from the station to the castle. They move
jerkily and disjointedly, the effect being like an old silent movie.
Black screen with Edwardian script words – "THE CASTLE"
INT. – AH.COM CASTLE (SEPIA) – DAY
A STEAM WAGON’s door opens and a cloud of steam emerges, accompanied by two
figures. They are clearly IMAJIN and HERMANUBIS, but they are wearing natty top
hats and tails with bow ties and impressive Victorian moustaches.
HERMANUBIS opens his mouth –
Black screen with Edwardian script words "I SAY, QUITE HOT AND STEAMY, WHAT?"
IMAJIN nods and opens his mouth in reply.
Black screen with Edwardian script words "DON’T WORRY, STEAMPUNK THEME DAY IS
HERMANUBIS looks at IMAJIN in relief, and then, as colour slowly fades back into
the scene and the scratchy flickering vanishes, they rip off their fake
moustaches, top hats etc. and are shown to be in the same clothes as ‘now’. A
calendar in the background reveals the date is 2004. The background sound fades
back up and we see the steam wagons being disassembled to show the New York taxi
Wow, our first day at school.
What do you want to do?
What do you want to do?
A pause, in which we can hear IMAJIN’s discarded fob watch ticking. Then there’s
a ‘Ding!’ as they both grin at each other.
Montage of HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN setting up buckets of Sheep-the-size-of-VW-camper-van
manure balanced above doors and falling onto LANDSHARK; setting fire to FLOCC’s
turban with a magnifying glass; shuffling all MrP’s Greek temple plans out of
order (accompanied by a ‘Gahh!’) etc. Halfway through, the whole castle
bursts into flames for no obvious reason.
Conclude on them being glared at by FLOID over his desk.
You two have been more trouble in a week
than any other student has managed in a year!
Well, it’s nice of you to say so…
FLOID gets up from his desk and threateningly towers over the two of them, then
begins to walk around it.
Right, you pair of little janjaweed,
we’ll see if you’re so smiley when
I’ve got my rake out…now where
is my rake…?
As we watch, IMAJIN carefully nudges the blade of FLOID’s rake under his left
foot. FLOID takes a step backward onto the blade, the handle goes flying up and
clonks FLOID on the back of the head, sending him sprawling.
(rubbing his hands)
Nice work, Imajy!
Now to loot the place!
The two grin and high-five. They begin going through FLOID’s pockets and
pocketing everything he has, then IMAJIN opens up the cabinet at the back of
What are you going through there for?
It’s where he keeps all the reports and
confiscated items…just need to burn ours…
IMAJIN pulls out a massive sheaf of papers, taking up a whole drawer, then takes
out a cigarette lighter and burns them up.
Right, that’s Monday’s done…want to help me out here?
Okay…sheesh, who do they have writing these, anyway?
Pan THROUGH THE WALL – to where we see CHRIS sitting at a desk and writing out
detention slips at a terrific rate, his hand blurring over the paper. The slips
go flying everywhere.
(shrugs to the camera)
It’s a living.
Pan back to where HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN are taking out more slips of paper and
burning them. As they do so, an old stack of paper falls out.
Now, what’s this…
Focus on the old paper, which is of course the BAM, and then fade-smeary around
it so we see it in LUAKEL’s hand now. We’re back in the Pornwatcher dormitory.
IMAJIN and HERMANUBIS are still grinning.
Wow! Well, how does it work?
He unfolds the map. And then keeps unfolding. HERMANUBIS helps. LUAKEL watches,
open-mouthed, as the map just keeps going on and on and on, until it’s the size
of a bed, then of a room…before long it fills the whole dormitory.
He points dramatically at the paper. LUAKEL looks and gasps. On the paper are
what are clearly representations (in inkline drawings) of the beds in the
dormitory and three figures – himself, HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN – between them,
with little labels next to them showing their names.
But the beds and figures are actually larger than the real thing beside them.
LUAKEL watches in astonishment as he moves his hand and ‘his’ figure moves with
A truly Big-Arsed Map.
That’s amazing! But…what use is it?
Use the zoom, Luaky!
LUAKEL looks at him blankly, so HERMANUBIS sighs and reaches into his pocket. He
pulls out an ice lolly and jams it into the corner of the map, then twirls the
wooden stick around. LUAKEL gasps in awe at this obscure joke that no-one will
get, and the map zooms out, showing the whole castle. HERMANUBIS twitches the
stick and it switches between floors, showing everyone in the castle with labels
attached to their names.
Gosh, this’ll be a most useful plot device!
Just so, Luaky. And if you look here…
IMAJIN points at several lines going from the castle towards Iansburg, also
Not all of them work anymore, but
you might want to try the Chunnel here,
just behind the statue commemorating
the American atomic bomb project
in the ‘Shattered World’ timeline.
(gives him a sidelong glance)
Have you forgotten to take your
anti-obscure reference pills again?
Of course not! I’m as healthy as the
instrument being played by Jean-Joseph
Merlin just before he smashed into a mirror in 1760!
(sighs, puts his arm around HERMANUBIS’ shoulder)
C’mon. We’ll fill you full of drugs and you’ll feel much better.
Make sure you take care of that map, Luaky, it’s precious!
IMAJIN leads the confused HERMANUBIS away.
He looks as happy as the sign made by Captain Jus-Tin Pickard
in the penultimate episode of the sixth season of Czar Trek:
The Hapsburg Degeneration, unless of course you count the
finale as two ep-
HERMANUBIS’ voice is mercifully cut off as the door closes. LUAKEL stares at the
map avariciously, his eyes buzzing over all the details.
Hey—it looks like there’s a secret passage
from this very room!
All I have to do is go over to this corner…
(he does so)
And…jump up and down three times?
Shrugging, LUAKEL does so. On the third jump, the floor flagstones slide away
and he goes hurtling into the black hole.
The flagstone slides back behind him.
Seconds later, a green-faced THERMO stumbles back into the dormitory, holding
the fishbowl with Anglosaxon the goldfish in it.
I don’t feel very well.
Think I’d better take a concoction of willow bark…
He sets down the fishbowl and wanders off again. Behind him, we see Anglosaxon
building a model of the Twin Towers out of gravel, then takes a tiny plane out
of his model castle, draws a star of David on the side with his fin and hurls it
at the model Twin Towers, smashing them down. The fish grins in an unhinged
On OTHNIEL’s bed, we see his abandoned Importantplotpointometer flashing and
INT. – TUNNELS – DARKNESS
LUAKEL, screaming, slides through countless tunnels/pipes that go in every
direction. It’s a maze of turn-offs. Desperately, he takes out his Podder and
(distant and echoing)
A light comes from the Podder and lights up the BAM. We see the complex network
of pipes and tunnels shown, with LUAKEL as a labelled dot, but it’s far too
intricate to understand.
But P’s given me an idea…
"Oh no! I’m falling through a series of tunnels,
just like I did at the end of the second book/film!"
(VO, distant and echoing)
LUAKY! I’VE TOLD YOU TIME AND TIME
AGAIN THAT WE’RE NOT ALLOWED TO
EXPLICITLY REFER TO EVENTS IN
PREVIOUS BOOKS UNTIL BOOK 4!!!
As he shouts, LUAKEL tilts his head and zeroes in on the voice, then grins.
LUAKEL aims for a series of turnoffs that somehow, by some quirk of magi – I
mean Althistory – send him speeding upwards…
EXT. – CELLAR – DAY
A dark cellar. We see a section of the floor slide aside to reveal a gap, and
LUAKEL comes shooting up and out of it. He falls forward onto the floor with a
My word! Where am I?
He takes out his still-lit Podder and raises it tentatively like a smuggler with
a match, glancing around the apparently empty room, then turns around casually
and finds the light sparkling off a golden face gazing into his.
He falls over backwards – fortunately the floor has slid back again – and
collapses. He stares up in terror at the golden face, to find that it is in fact
simply another solid gold fembot like OTHNIEL’s.
But that means…
We hear a banging from above and the sound of someone coming down the stairs.
I don’t care about your stupid warranties!
The reservoir is full and it needs emptying!
Look, they’re free! Just take another one!
No! I believe in sustainable manufacturing,
not a buy-another mentality!
Look, Oth, why don’t you just give it up.
They obviously can’t simulate the full
experience of a fulfilling relationship
For a start, they can’t speak Neo-Mandaic…
Look, just a minute, I just heard something downstairs…
We see the owner of the voice, a man dressed in Elizabethan ruff and pantaloons
with a feathery hat and a moustache and goatee, coming down the stairs. Behind
him are OTHNIEL, a defective fembot slung over his shoulder, and LEO.
(pointing at LUAKEL)
You! Are you trying to pay for a fembot?
They’re free, you know, and I won’t have them paid for!
(spreads his hands defensively)
Luaky! How’d you get here?
Long story. Where am I?
Why, you’re in the basement of Sir Francis Unwise’s
Emporium of Free Solid Gold Fembots, of course.
I need a drink.
Oh, for that you want the Golden Showers.
EXT. – IANSBURG – STREET – DAY
LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL walk out of the Emporium, as the Elizabethan guy (SIR
FRANCIS UNWISE) watches them go. OTHNIEL has a shiny new fembot slung over
his shoulder but looks a bit disconsolate, which LEO is whistling cheerfully –
the tune appears to be the Syrian national anthem.
LUAKEL, on the other hand, is too busy gaping at the wonders around him.
Iansburg lives up to its reputation. The streets are crammed with wonderful
buildings, all different architectural styles from different periods of history
and timelines, it should be a mess, but somehow it works. There are the domes of
Byzantine, Russian and Arab architecture juxtaposed with neo-classical Georgian
steampunk buildings and modern steel and glass ones. As we watch, the crowds
part in the street to reveal a rail, and a steam tram goes past with a toot,
driven by a cheerful THE DEAN. It’s like Disneyland, only good.
C’mon, we’re here.
He points upwards. They’ve arrived at a Genuine Fake Irish Pub with a sign
reading ‘The Golden Showers’. The picture depicts two shiny golden shower
LUAKEL gulps, but follows LEO and OTHNIEL through.
INT. – GOLDEN SHOWERS – DAY
The pub has some of the trappings of a Genuine Fake Irish Pub, but in addition
to the dark wood, beermats and bar optics, there are golden pipes snaking
throughout the ceiling that dispense brightly coloured, bubbling spirits into
people’s mouths – the eponymous Golden Showers. LUAKEL sighs with relief as LEO
slurps retsina from one of them.
He takes a longer look around the pub. There are green flags with harps on them
everywhere (in the corner, LEEJ is handcuffed to the pipes and is slavering
with red-eyed fury to destroy them), while all the staff are dressed as
leprechauns, wearing bowler hats with shamrocks in them.
I think it’s excellent how they’ve preserved
Celtic culture so perfectly.
LUAKEL avoids his gaze. As he does so, the landlady, LJD767, comes out from
behind the bar and greets them with a smile.
(with a faint put-on Irish accent)
Top of the morning tae you gents!
And what’ll you be having this fine day?
(staring at her from a seated position)
For some reason, I just fancy a melon juice…
Make it two.
LJD767 laughs and draws their glasses from the bar optics.
Funny old world, you’re the fifteenth lot
to ask for that today…it must be this new sports bra.
LEO looks mildly appalled at the blatancy of the innuendo. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL
sip their drinks.
She’s a larger than life character.
LUAKEL nods fervently. LEO frowns, looking over his shoulder.
Well look who it isn’t…
LUAKEL turns to see MR_BONDOC walking through the door, taking off his hat and
brushing the snow off. Which is odd, as it isn’t snowing. With him are LANDSHARK
(out of the corner of his mouth)
Don’t you think it’s a bit odd that we’re all chummy
with Bondoc now after his policies have endangered the kids,
and the fact that subsequent books will show we’ve
never really liked him?
You’re using logic and reason again Sharky.
You know what the penalty for that is.
Excellent! I needed it checked for malignant polyps anyway!
LUAKEL ducks as MR_BONDOC goes up to the bar and is served by LJD767.
Some Things To Consider…
Consider that I would Like a
Private Room, in which we may Converse
on Important Matters, and that You are
Welcome to Join Us.
So I will!
We see MR_BONDOC, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE and LJD767, carrying a tray of drinks,
go off towards the private room.
Wonder what they’re discussing…
I’d like to be a fly on that wall.
Pan across to LEEJ, still handcuffed to the pipes – beside him is MrP, also
handcuffed, who lets out a ‘Gaahh!!’
Pan back as a jet of light shoots from LEO’s Podder and hits LUAKEL. There’s a
brilliant flash, a whoomph of implosion, and then a fly with LUAKEL’s face is
left buzzing around there. OTHNIEL watches in surprise.
Great…the one time I get my wish…
Off you go!
The LUAKEL-FLY buzzes away in the direction of the private room. OTHNIEL
watches, then turns back to LEO.
Sometimes I wonder about you, Leo mate.
Well, to take one example, how you’re
able to take all those lessons at once.
Oh, that’s easy. It’s because -
One of the leprechaun staff trip over and spill a glass of scotch over LEO,
whose eyes bulge.
Argh! Whiskey is taboo to Mandaeans!
Pan across to MrP again.
INT. – GOLDEN SHOWERS – PRIVATE ROOM – DAY
LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, MR_BONDOC and LJD767 are all gathered around a small
table, drinking. We see LUAKEL-FLY buzz in and settle near the light on the
ceiling. We view the scene from his P.O.V.
…I saw it on the news at the time and I’ve never
believe it. A bloke like Serious Matt would never
have gone over to the Darkness.
He came from a very Dark family, though.
Regardless, we have Plenty of Evidence.
Matt was the only one who could have Betrayed Us.
It’s only Fortunate that we managed to get Young Luaky
out of There before Mike Collins’ Servant arrived…whoever he was.
LUAKEL-FLY pricks up his antennae.
Sorry, cabbagehead that again, just in case someone
uninformed like the audience was listening.
Look, you All Know What Happened.
Sure. Mike Collins wanted to kill Luaky Commer as a kid
and he sent a servant to do it, first getting the location
where he was from Matt. But we managed to move him away
and the servant never showed up.
Perhaps the Servant Was Matt.
True, he was arrested the next day and sent to Azerbaijan
after what happened to young Stannus Phoilus.
Matt confronted him on the Titanic
and blew half the boat away. Killed thirteen
people and a dog.
And some Otlers as well.
Yeah, but who cares about them?
Matt knew Stannus Phoilus. They were Friends.
He must have betrayed him.
And a couple of other people, if you believe Thande…
A gloomy silence descends.
Regardless, we must stop Matt getting near Luaky again.
If he Was the Servant of Mike Collins,
he may want to complete his mission.
MR_BONDOC gets up to leave.
(said in deep lilting voice)
Thank You For The Drinks.
The other three nod as he leaves. LUAKEL-FLY flaps his wings to follow, but
finds himself stuck down. He turns around to find an enormous spider there,
clicking a knife and fork together and licking his lips.
Cut to a more normal view of the three remaining people at the table, as very
distantly we see LUAKEL-FLY fighting the spider with his tiny Podder – flashes
of Althistorical energy etc.
IRONYUPPIE puts her hand on LJD767’s.
Have I ever told you how much I like your red, red lips…
If so, you’re our bitch.
Cut back to LUAKEL-FLY’s angle as he desperately saws through the spider’s web
Hot girl on girl action and I have to concentrate
on fighting for my life!
(aims his Podder)
INCOGNITUS INCOGNITUS OCCIDENTALUS!
In the corner, we see a fly with MrP’s face go ‘Gah!’
A jet of light hits the spider, which grows to an enormous size and turns into a
robot, crashing down to the table and breaking up the threesome – LUAKEL-FLY
hastily buzzes out as LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE and LJD767 turn to fighting the
INT. – GOLDEN SHOWERS – DAY
LUAKEL-FLY buzzes in to find LEO and OTHNIEL with their Podders out, facing a
sneering GBW with HIGHLANDER and an incensed EVOLVEDSAURIAN.
How dare you conceal this perfect and accurate
celebration of Irish culture from me?!!
Very well; I shall take my revenge on Commer
through his filthy little half-blood friends.
Are you saying we’ve got inferior Otler blood?!
GBW is about to raise his Podder, when we see a fly buzzing around and around
Hey – what – aargh!
Trying to swat it, he accidentally hits someone else at the bar, who turns out
to be THE BALD IMPOSTER, who turns around and lays him out with one punch
(CLANG! against his cybernetic faceplate), then clutches his hand under his
arm with a wince. The assembled Fudgepackers nearby – KIT, FELLATIO, ALIKCHI,
NEK and JUSTIN PICKARD – all applaud him.
LUAKEL-FLY lands with a smirk on the table and LEO returns him to normal.
Meanwhile, we see LEEJ finally tear himself away from the pipes and hurl himself
on EVOLVEDSAURIAN – the two rip away their clothes to reveal orange and green
ninja outfits respectively and begin an epic fight. Meanwhile HIGHLANDER wanders
off to chat up a harpy.
And I can see why you feel that way about spiders…
What did you find out?
Matt tried to kill me years ago and he may
be trying to do it again.
Didn’t we already know that?
And also something about a bloke
called Stannus Phoilus he killed.
Pity I left my Importantplotpointometer at home…
C’mon. Let’s go back.
The three chums laugh and set out, while LJD767 comes out of the private room
and starts screaming in anger at the developing brawl.
EXT. – IANSBURG – DAY
The three of them walk up the path back to AH.com castle. It’s heading towards
the evening. Over to the right, we can see THERMO holding a cup up to the mouth
of the huge VAMPING WILLOW, who shouts into it – he then drinks the cup and
Taking some willow bark always deals with it.
Great, that pun just brought it back.
On the left is the dilapidated shape of the Shirking Shed.
So that’s the Shirking Shed…
They say that countless students played
truant in there. There must be a secret
passage into AH.com from there.
Hey, that’d make an ideal place for Matt to hide.
Shall we tell anyone?
Don’t be silly, we’d better risk our own lives
and others’ by taking it into our own hands.
The three nod to each other and continue up the path. Far behind them, we see a
dim bear-like shadow thrown across the path…
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – DAY
It’s spring. In the castle grounds, we see the ice on the river melting away.
NEK’s midget submarine surfaces and he pops his head out of the conning tower,
looking annoyed and carrying a Soviet flag.
Bloody global warming!
Where am I supposed to plant this now?
Pan across to the VAMPING WILLOW, tall as the castle towers, leaning against one
and shrugging off a huge fur coat made of at least 500 bearskins. We see PSYCHO
on the nearby battlements looking at the enormous red-haired vampyretta with an
expression of rapturous awe on his face, which then darkens.
I’ll get you, DMA…
Pan further across to the castle and zoom in THROUGH A WINDOW…
INT. – GREY WOLF’S CLASSROOM – DAY
The classroom is just as we saw it last, but with all the desks cleared to one
side. There are no students in besides LUAKEL, who stands before GREY WOLF. The
walls have been decorated with a combination of incredibly complex royal family
trees (which continue off the sides of the posters and onto the walls in
biro) and posters showing various evil creatures. We can see
RADICAL_NEUTURAL the house-troll, HYPERN (a stick-figure) and JOHN
REYNOLDS, a pea-sized head on top of a normal human body.
GREY WOLF is looking at LUAKEL with a doubtful expression.
Um, are you sure you want to learn, Luaky?
This is very advanced magic, er, I mean Althistory,
far beyond General Certificate of Sod-all Education…
This isn’t the British Education System, sir.
Um, of course, I forgot I was in America
(aside to the camera)
Bloody dull place, no nobility…
(back to LUAKEL)
Well, in that case, it’s beyond the Scholastic Asshole Test.
Still, sir I want to learn.
I want to be able to fight off those
Phonespammers like you did.
And if Serious Matt can fight his way through them…
GREY WOLF hesitates, smiling slightly but walking around LUAKEL.
Um, all right. This spell, er, I mean POD,
is called the Filterus Progra-hmme.
(pronounces it the southern way)
Be warned, Luaky, as I say, this is very difficult.
(eyes grow distant)
I only learned it myself after a long trek into
the Welsh mountains to find myself…
SMEARY DREAMS OF REMINISCENCE – A younger GREY WOLF walking tirelessly up a damp
Cairngorm, with clouds in the background, green rocky landscape, sheep, mountain
goats etc., red dragons flying past – and climbs his way into a dark cave with a
runic inscription over the top. He pauses to read it.
"No Encycllopaedia Sallesmen Or Jehovah’s Witnesses, Llook You, Whateffar"
(shakes his head)
Inside the cave – GREY WOLF creeping through stalactitey chambers bearing a
flaming torch that reflects spookily off the shiny walls. He wanders through one
chamber bearing a man lying down on a stone slab, wearing chain mail, a crown
and with blue woad painted on his face. He bears a sword on his breast. As GREY
WOLF approaches he wakes up with a huge yawn.
I’m here, I’m here! Is Britain threatened!
Um, sorry, but the English conquered the Britons
fifteen hundred years ago…
Blast it! I knew I needed to buy a new alarm clock!
He sighs, shrugs with a yawn and goes back to sleep.
GREY WOLF creeps on into the next chamber, turns a corner, and finds himself
face to face with a simalcrum of himself, staring out with hollow, dead eyes.
Ah! I knew I’d find myself!
He tucks the figure under his arm, turns and walks back out towards the
Pan deeper into the cave, where we see a number of figures clustered around a
fire. There’s ANALYTICAL ENGINE, who’s a Cyberman, LOCKE, who’s a Clockwork
Robot, and EUIO, who’s a Dalek. They are all looking annoyed.
(mushy robotic voice)
Where did you put that chameleonic Auton?
(clicking and clacking)
It seems to have gone…
It is the Doc-tor! He has foiled our plans
for our robot-ic rev-olt!
ANALYTICAL ENGINE absent-mindedly pats EUIO on the dome with a clang.
Never mind. We shall make another.
Our revolt will succeed, maximum efficiency.
For who would think to look for us here, in Wales?
The three of them laugh mechanically – pan around to reveal the other side of
the cave, where there’s a one-way window – camera zooms through it to reveal
excited tourists on the other side gathered around a ‘Doctor Who Exhibition’
SMEARY DREAMS OF REMINISCENCE FADE
Anyway, it was quite difficult.
Are you ready to learn?
He wanders across the classroom to a large cabinet with a hefty padlock on the
Here’s one I caught earlier.
(taps the cabinet)
I’ve partly subdued it by telling it about
a method for extending your manhood
that actually works – they can’t handle that.
GREY WOLF just smiles.
Pan DOWNWARD – through several floors – to a DUNGEON – tight on on IRONYUPPIE as
she casually turns the wheel on a rack-like apparatus which we don’t see the
whole off – distantly, we hear LANDSHARK scream in increasingly high-pitched
tones and IRONYUPPIE smiles warmly –
Return to LUAKEL and GREY WOLF.
Right, I’m going to let him out,
and you’ll have to stop him.
It’s very simple. You just have to
picture a blissfully empty inbox
and then shout ‘Filterus Programmus’.
Pan UPWARD, again through several floors, to where MrP is sitting in the LIBRARY
with his feet up on the desk and is carefully cutting up several ‘Family Guy’
DVDs to make shiny reflective cockpits for his model tanks.
I’m sorry, but this is far too important to interrupt
with my secondary role, viz., that of Gahhing.
MrP calmly picks up two Wehrmacht soldiers and jams them, helmet-first, into his
ears, then continues painting his tanks.
Pan back to LUAKEL and GREY WOLF.
Okay. I’m ready to try.
Good luck, Luaky!
GREY WOLF unlocks the padlock and then quickly dives to one side and hides
behind the sofar. LUAKEL swallows nervously as the doors swing open to reveal a
PHONESPAMMER, DIGITELICON, behind. It has one arm in a sling but continues to
slobber in a predatory fashion. LUAKEL shudders.
WE SLEL CUTUPRICE NDKAOIA 5344532 @ SMALL PRIXZES!!!11ONE
LUAKEL takes a step back as the Phonespammer approaches.
A few wisps of white light fly from his Podder, but nothing more, and the
Phonespammer towers over him.
YUO TAEK TEH POHNE!!!11
A jet of white light from GREY WOLF forces the Phonespammer back for a moment.
Try again! You’ve got to picture your
inbox as totally empty!
A bit stronger than last time, but still nothing.
I can’t do it!
(with a sigh)
He forces the PHONESPAMMER back into the cabinet, locks the door and turns back
Don’t be disheartened, Luaky, that’s more than most people
can do on their first attempt.
I have a feeling I may know why you couldn’t do it.
You had trouble picturing your inbox empty…
I think, deep down, you want cut-price Viagra,
Canadian drugs and a means of extending your manhood.
What was that method again…?
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – NIGHT
That night. Dark and gloomy. We see the PHONESPAMMERS hovering away around the
school. ZOOM IN on the Pornwatcher Tower…
INT. – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – NIGHT
LUAKEL is tossing and turning in his bunkbed, while the others are soundly
Pan down the stairway to the COMMON ROOM, deserted, where a strange sound is
coming from the door…a clicking sound…
INT. – OUTSIDE PORNWATCHER COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
Close up of a large, slightly hairy hand as it fiddles with an electronic
lock-breaker. The lock on the door gives a negative red light three times, then,
accompanied by a grind of protest, it goes green and the door swings open.
INT. – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – NIGHT
LUAKEL still tossing and turning. We hear distant padding footsteps, growing
ever closer. LUAKEL’s eyes are flickering under their eyelids. The footsteps
come to a halt, there’s an intake of breath –
LUAKEL suddenly sits bolt upright, to see a huge, shadowy figure with a curved
samurai sword, looming over THERMO’s bed –
The figure pauses mid-stab. THERMO awakens with a start, along with everyone
else. The figure turns to look at LUAKEL – vague suggestion of a beard and
shaggy clothes – and then suddenly runs down the centre of the dormitory and
hurls himself out of the window. Sound of breaking glass – fragments everywhere
– the whole place a Bedlam.
Thermo, are you alright?
(searching his fishbowl)
I’m alright, but where’s Anglosaxon??
Pan upward, to where the fish is suspended in a tiny bowl of water slung
underneath a small airship, thuttering along the ceiling…
INT. – PORNWATCHER COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The Pornwatcher students are huddled around the fire in their pyjamas, while in
the middle stand a glaring IRONYUPPIE and DOCTOR WHAT. IRONYUPPIE is wearing a
sensible Edwardian dressing-gown that nonetheless squeaks in unexpected ways
when she makes a sudden movement; DOCTOR WHAT is dressed as an Ottoman sultan
from the waist up and a 19th-century golfer from the waist down.
How did that Matt maniac break our lock?
(waving hand about)
Miss, miss, I know, miss!
Yes, boy who’s always right?
He used a lockbreaker, miss!
That’ll teach us to rely on Otler technology.
DOCTOR WHAT coughs meaningfully and takes centre stage.
All right. Serious Matt was in here.
There was no harm done this time –
(still searching frantically)
What about Anglosaxon??
Unseen to the others, we see the fish’s airship float away under the ceiling and
through a window, out into the night.
-but next time we may not be so lucky.
Stay on constant vigilance.
Do not move about the castle alone, always in pairs.
Female students are encouraged to build on this
necessary security arrangement by means of a deeper
bond, preferably outside my office where my security
cameras are stationed –
That’s quite enough, B-man.
Outside my office, I think you’ll find.
DOCTOR WHAT grins.
INT. – AH.COM CASTLE – CORRIDOR – DAY
LEO, OTHNIEL and LUAKEL, pressed together and trying to watch all angles at the
same time, slowly move along the corridor. They encounter THERMO halfway along,
who’s now painstakingly hacking stone blocks one at a time out of the wall using
(sweat on forehead)
What are you doing?
Looking for Anglosaxon, of course!
In the middle of a wall?
(gives him a strange look)
Well, of course. He’s a fish.
Where do you expect me to look – underwater?
(laughs out loud)
As he does so, LEO comes into THERMO’s field of view and THERMO’s expression
(in a hiss)
You…you’re the one who owns
an invisible Egyptian cat!
(stands up suddenly)
Your cat must have eaten Anglosaxon!
How dare you make such an accusation –
I’ve instructed him quite clearly in the
Mandaean dietary code –
For this you must die!
THERMO charges at LEO with his sharpened spoon. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL move to
defend LEO, but LEO pushes them aside.
No. Let him come.
As THERMO charges, LEO reaches out and grabs his leg, then hurls him overhand in
a slow-motion-y way. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL watch open-mouthed as THERMO arcs
through the air, across the corridor and then – slams straight into LEO’s
(double taking back and forth)
LEO smirks, though he looks tired and weak.
How did you get over there so quickly?
(winks at camera)
Subtle plot hint or what, folks?
Oh, nothing so complicated…
LEO walks past the unconscious THERMO, pauses, takes off his shoe and slaps it
in his face a bit, then continues and walks around the corridor corner.
There’s an unpleasant sound like a bread and butter sandwich being eaten by
someone without their false teeth in, and then LEO returns. He looks flushed but
stronger and more vital, perhaps even taller.
(shaking his head)
Nasty business. I bet he votes Republican.
Well, knowing Thermo, yes – but in Bhutan.
LUAKEL and LEO laugh, but OTHNIEL is peering at the wall. As we watch, he pushes
a wobbling stone brick and it falls through. There’s a puff of dust and everyone
Look at this! Through here! It’s hollow!
Indeed, an irregular door into a dark, dusty passage is revealed. As LUAKEL and
OTHNIEL step cautiously through, LEO examines the edges.
Hmm…looks as though this was bricked up some time
after the rest of the castle was built.
I wonder why?
It looks like this is a narrow corridor,
LUAKEL steps out, brushing the dust off himself, and unrolls the Pornhoarder’s
BAM. The enormous map unfolds until it fills the whole corridor. LUAKEL peers at
it with a frown.
That’s strange – this isn’t on the list of secret passages.
You mean it’s a secret secret passage?
(shaking his head)
Wait a minute – maybe this is how Serious Matt
is getting into the school, if they’re watching
all the official secret passages!
You mean, the secret passages everyone knows about.
Just so that’s clear.
LUAKEL hesitates, looking from the secret passage back to the map, and then
shakes his head.
I don’t buy it. Anyway, I’m through with sticking
my nose into things like this. It’ll only get me into trouble.
Are you feeling all right, Luaky?
Just brick it back up, Leo.
Don’t you care that Serious Matt wants to kill you?
Yes! Which is why I don’t want to go chasing after him!
Well, just remember – it’s because of you that he
was in our dorm room last night…
Stop using logic and reason!
LEO flicks his Podder and reseals the wall, putting the bricks back into place.
The three of them continue down the corridor, still glancing around
INT. - PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – NIGHT
MICHAEL, still in his wheelchair with his broken leg, is watching with an
expression of mild interest as PSYCHOMELTDOWN goes through an enormous shopping
bag, shown in a camouflage pattern with blood-red letters on top: "ADAM DENTON’S
(wiping his forehead)
It took me a while, but I finally managed to
find the weapons of mass destruction.
(winks at camera)
Which is more than Bush ever did, eh?
Alright, enough edgy, cutting political satire.
What did you get to tackle DMA with?
It’s around here somewhere…guaranteed deadly to Australians…aha!
PSYCHO pulls out a battered violin case.
What is it, a Mafia tommy gun?
PSYCHO proudly opens the violin case and takes out…a violin.
The bloke said that all Australians are allergic
to high culture and melt upon the playing of
That’s a grossly unfair generalisation!
Oh, are you okay if I practice in here, then?
(gritting his teeth)
…no, I don’t like the colour of the wood.
On the other side of the dormitory, OTHNIEL is dozing and LEO is reading a book
titled ‘How to defend yourself against murderous attacks within the moral
codes of both Mandaic Gnosticism and Sharia’. LUAKEL is trying to sleep but
is tossing and turning. He keeps shooting glances at a bruised THERMO, who has
set up a little shrine around a photo of Anglosaxon, with candles and the
religious symbols of Russian Catholicism, English Orthodoxy and Arab
LUAKEL sighs and gets up.
I’m going for a walk.
On your own? But that’s not allowed!
I knew you’d feel better sooner or later!
Shaking his head, LUAKEL pulls on his dressing gown and walks out of the door.
THERMO lets out a sob and lights another candle.
INT. – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
LUAKEL wanders disconsolately down the corridor. After a moment, he takes out
the Pornhoarder’s BAM and unrolls it. He then takes up his Podder.
Cut to –
INT. – LIBRARY – NIGHT
MrP is sleeping on top of a book of Greek temple plans and muttering to himself
in his sleep.
Mm…Keira…mm…I love the way you
do that with your, erm, ribs…
Now where was I?
Return to LUAKEL in the corridor. He pores over the map.
You’d think I’d be able to find Matt on this…
hmm, wait a minute, what’s that?
We follow LUAKEL’s gaze and see a moving dot with a pop-up Google-style sign
attached to it: STANNUS PHOILUS.
Where have I heard that name before…?
FLASHBACK EFFECT – SEPIA, FLICKERING
Return to the scene with LJD767, MR_BONDOC, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE around the
table – however, they are now all dressed in Edwardian fashion and have large
moustaches and monocles (even the women). We can see LUAKEL-FLY and the
SPIDER on the ceiling fighting, both of them wearing top hats and tails.
(smoking a cigar)
True, old boy, he was arrested the very next day and sent off to Azerbaijan
after what happened to young Stannus Phoilus, doncherknow.
Indeed yes, good sir!
Matt confronted him on the Titanic
and destroyed half of the vessel.
He ended the lives of no fewer than thirteen people and a dog.
Mr Matt knew Mr Phoilus. They were Friends.
He must have betrayed him.
And one or two more, if you take Mr Thande’s word…
END FLASHBACK EFFECT
LUAKEL shakes his head.
I’ve got to get a less metaphorical memory.
(peering at the map again)
Stannus Phoilus? But he’s been dead for years!
Unless it’s someone else from the same family
who happens to share the same name…
He pauses as we hear a cheerful Nokia ringtone. Frowning, he takes out his
Oh, I’ve got a text from Oth.
(squints at screen)
‘No, Luaky, that’s the plot twist
in the next book’. I see…
LUAKEL looks down at the map again.
He’s in the same corridor!
He’s coming this way!
Nervously, LUAKEL takes out his Podder and waves it about in front of him.
Come and have a go, if you think you’re hard enough!
VOICE FROM BEHIND LUAKEL
I thought you’d never ask!
Terrified, LUAKEL spins around to find –
KIT and FELLATIO NELSON, smirking at him.
What are you doing out at the time of night?
Quite so—the new regulations insist that
we move about in groups of two.
Though for you, we might be persuaded to make an…expansion…
Ooh! Triple entendre!
I thought that was an alliance system in WW1.
LUAKEL looks down at the map and frowns.
Dammit! You’ve made me lose him!
In the background, we can see a significant shadow drifting past at head-height…
The only name on here anywhere near us is –
That’s Professor Thande…Commer.
A scowling THANDE steps out of the shadows, holding a rack of test-tubes. The
three students look on in horror. LUAKEL quickly does something that turns the
I see some students are out after curfew.
Is there any reason why I shouldn’t
have you taken out and shot?
Yes! I claim unfair discrimination based on the
fact that you expect us to stop complaining when
we actually are treated the same way as
everyone else! I shall write a letter to the Grauniad and,
after running it through the spellchecker, to my MP!
Fair enough. You two can go.
KIT looks ready to keep arguing, but FELLATIO drags him away, leaving LUAKEL
So, Mr Commer. Out after curfew and on your own.
That’s at least sixty squillion points from Pornwatcher…
THANDE has spotted the huge Pornhoarder’s BAM.
What’s that huge piece of paper?
It’s for making a huge paper aeroplane, which is my latest
scheme to thwart school rules for no better reason than because I can-
You can’t fool me so easily, Commer.
LUAKEL deflates and THANDE rolls up the map himself.
LUAKEL trudges off after THANDE.
INT. – THANDE’S OFFICE – NIGHT
As seen before, THANDE’s office is full of YSP emblems and chemical symbols.
Equipment bubbles away merrily in the background. He sets down his test tube
rack and turns back to the quaking LUAKEL.
Now let’s see if we can find this paper’s secrets…
He sets the BAM down on his desk – it’s so huge that it falls over all four
edges. Undaunted, THANDE takes up one of his test tubes and spills it over the
Reveal your secret!
Words form on the BAM.
‘Messrs Horny, Tinfoil, Pantsless and Thongs
wish to share their opinion that Professor Thande is…’
(looks up at LUAKEL)
I must stop there, because I can’t pronounce
ampersands, percentage and hash signs.
Er, I think Hermanubis can pronounce ‘at’ signs,
if that’s any help…
Be quiet, Commer.
I thought this was simply an item from
Professor Zappertron’s Emporium of
Dangerous Products For Children, but…
There’s a knock at the door and GREY WOLF comes in, wearing a grey bathrobe.
Um, fuck, Professor Thande?
Ah, Professor Wolfe. Perhaps you would care
to cast a glance over this item I have confiscated
It is clearly full of wanky Dark Althistory and must
be destroyed forthwith…and perhaps to be safe
we should destroy Commer as well.
LUAKEL gulps, but GREY WOLF examines the paper. It curls up as he touches it,
wrapping around his finger, and he nods.
Um, nothing of the sort. Quite harmless.
Well, Commer was still breaking curfew. Fifty thousand points –
Not at, um, all, Blameius.
He was performing a secret mission for me.
Oh, how convenient.
(glares at Commer)
Is this true, Commer? Were you on a ‘secret’ mission?
Professor, it’s so secret, I didn’t know I was on it.
H’m. Oh, all right.
THANDE sighs and mutters something about getting him one day. GREY WOLF rolls up
the map and leaves, LUAKEL following.
INT. – GREY WOLF’S OFFICE – NIGHT
LUAKEL glances absently at the royal family trees in the moonlight – the
waxing-gibbous moonlight. GREY WOLF frowns at him over the desk.
That was foolish, Luaky.
Why didn’t you, um, hand this map in?
How do you know it’s a map, sir?
(avoiding the question)
We could use this to track Serious Matt.
All right. You’re right, sir.
But it’s not 100% accurate.
What makes you say that?
Well, earlier I saw the name of someone on
there that I know to be dead.
GREY WOLF looks up. As he does so, a cupboard flies open on the other side of
the room and a huge clock-like device lights up and flashes, ringing an alarm.
(follows LUAKEL’s gaze to the clock-thing)
Oh, ignore my heavy-duty Importantplotpointometer.
Get back to bed, Luaky. I don’t want to see you
breaking curfew again.
Well, not unless it’s really cinematic.
INT. – DIAMOND’S CLASSROOM – DAY
Diamond’s cartography classroom by now has many more maps all over the walls,
some layered on top of others. Pride of place is given to a large map of the
Atlantic seaboard, in which the name of every American state has been crossed
out and replaced at least eight times over. As we watch, even now HIGHLANDER,
balancing on a chair and with the tip of his tongue sticking out of the corner
of his mouth, reaches out and shakily writes the world ‘Deologhwaiyre’…
Pan down to find LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL all drawing on their maps. LEO looks
The Pantsless DIAMOND glides past the students – as usual, strategically placed
bits of furniture, students just happening to hand papers to each other at the
right time, etc., somehow manage to preserve his modesty from the camera’s point
of view. Yet as we watch he reaches the end of an aisle of desks and it seems
certain that he must come out into full view – when, with a dopplering shriek,
HIGHLANDER comes crashing down from his ladder and lands in a crumpled heap in
front of DIAMOND’s legs. Ignoring this, he turns to LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL.
Well, what do we have here?
(looks at OTH’s map)
A close up of a border region?
That’s right, sir.
(tapping the left and then right sides of the map)
The border between the Islamic Democracy of
Occidental Tartary and the culturally Hellenised,
formerly Alexandrian state of Greater Samarkhand!
The border is identical to the OTL one between Russia and Kazakhstan.
(patting OTH on the head)
Well done, lad. It takes time and patience
to nurse a cliché like that.
(glancing at LUAKEL)
And what do we have here…oh my…
LUAKEL’s map depicts a Confederate States that has filibustered its way across
most of the Caribbean.
It’s an absurd cliché, like you told us to do!
Indeed, lad, but look…
DIAMOND takes out a pen and draws lines between each of the Caribbean ports that
LUAKEL has marked on. When he connects the last line, they form an arrow
pointing at Haiti.
Haiti…the home of voodoo…an omen of
your own impending DEATH!
Death again…it’s all we ever hear!
Angrily, DIAMOND rounds on LEO.
(through gritted teeth)
And what have you achieved, Captain Elite?
DIAMOND stares at LEO’s map, which is upside-down and in Arabic, and appears to
be of only a small area.
What AH Cliché is that supposed to be?
Why, of course, it’s one of those timelines
where the invented syncreatic religion of
Emperor Akbar, that is, the Dīn-i Ilāhī,
achieved greater prominence and saw success
in the Middle East.
(laughs to himself)
Such a common misconception…hah, some
of those silly n00bish timelines even have
Mandaeans converting to it…!
(staring at him)
I’m sorry, Mr Caesius, but I’m afraid I don’t
think you’re cut out for cartography.
Or OTL for that matter.
LEO rips up his map and hurls the fragments in DIAMOND’s face.
That’s what I think of your cartography!
LEO storms out, watched in surprise by LUAKEL and OTHNIEL, as well as the rest
of the class. All eyes then zip back to DIAMOND, who is ruefully wiping blood
from a map-paper-cut on his forehead.
When you fail to remove your pants,
forever it will dominate your destiny…
(shaking his head)
Buzzing with gossip and rumours, the class go out. Among them we can see PSYCHO,
pushing MICHAEL’s wheelchair with one hand and in the other holding a simple
sketch map showing his plan for ambushing DMA in the garden. MICHAEL, on the
other hand, has a half-folded map which is more of an organisational chart, with
arrows pointing to squares, and the title ‘How to manipulate two annoying
prats into killing each other, by Michael Cassa’.
GBW is following along behind these two and keeps stooping down to read
MICHAEL’s chart, then carefully copies it into a notebook but crosses out the
names ‘Psycho’ and ‘DMA’ and replaces them with ‘Commer’ and ‘Floid’. Behind GBW,
EVOLVEDSAURIAN pushes the groaning HIGHLANDER along in a wheelbarrow. THERMO
slunks along disconsolately behind the rest, kicking a can of map paint.
Sheesh, Leo’s really blown it this time.
I think he just couldn’t tolerate not being
best at everything.
Come on, Oth, don’t be so cynical.
CUT TO – LEO on roof of AH.com Castle, surrounded by battlements, glaring at the
pigeons flocking around him. He has an Icarus-style arrangement of mechanical
but feathered wings strapped to his arms.
You call that flying? This is what I call flying!
LEO hurls himself off the roof. We don’t see what happens afterwards, but MrP
walks out from behind a turret and appears to watch him, off-camera, with
interest. MrP’s gaze drifts repeatedly up and down as we hear a distant,
Hmm, that gives me an idea for a timeline…
There is a distant ‘Splat!’ sound.
(nodding, making notes)
Yep – I’ll go and write up "Earlier Discovery of Giant Pizza TL" now…
CUT BACK TO – LUAKEL and OTHNIEL in DIAMOND’s emptying classroom. OTH now shrugs
and follows everyone else out. LUAKEL is about to join him, but suddenly knocks
over a pot of pens and they go all over the floor. Cursing, he begins to gather
them up again. He is left alone in the classroom.
Burnt Umber…Burnt Sienna…Burnt Toast…
Yep, that’s all of them.
He will rise again…
Startled, LUAKEL looks up. DIAMOND is sitting back in his easy chair, his hand
holding a paintbrush and blurring with speed over a blank map (this also
conveniently blocks any view of his crotch). He is leaning back and his eyes
are rolling, vacantly staring at nothing. His voice is ethereal and
He will rise again. As the ancient prophecies foretold,
He that was Divided shall be United once more…when
a Welcome is given to the Myth, and the Binding is undone…
Oh no, not metaphors, I hate metaphors.
He will rise again!
And DIAMOND stabs down his paintbrush finally on the map. Paint goes everywhere,
and while LUAKEL is wiping it from his eyes, DIAMOND’s chair goes over
backwards. When DIAMOND gets up, he is somehow now wearing his shirt where pants
should be and is looking confused.
What just happened?
Um, it sounded like you were in a trance, sir.
Saying a prophecy or something.
(trying to peer at the map)
Erm, can you paint maps that show the future?
Don’t be silly, Luaky, that would be far too
derivative even for us.
Now help me on with my cheerleading outfit…
Er, actually, in fact, I’ve got to go…
As you wish…
LUAKEL backs nervously out of the room. DIAMOND glances down at his splashy,
violently coloured map, shrugs and tears it up. As he does so, one fragment goes
flashing towards the camera and briefly fills the screen.
It shows part of North America, all blood-red, and labelled ‘EMPIRE OF THE
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – DAY
It is now summer. The trees are in full leaf, the sun is a shining ball in the
sky, the clodus are few. The VAMPING WILLOW is leaning back against one of the
castle towers near the lake, wearing a giant bikini and sunning herself. PSYCHO,
standing beside the lake, looks on disconsolately.
Noo…don’t spoil your lovely paleness, dear…
Don’t forget this.
MICHAEL, still in his wheelchair, hands PSYCHO the violin case.
Ah yes, my revenge on DMA…
PSYCHO takes out the violin and tries it under his chin, glancing at the VAMPING
WILLOW in between fiddling with things. As he looks away, MICHAEL gets up out of
his wheelchair and climbs a nearby tree, then inches out along a branch and
surveys the castle.
What, you think I’m going to give up
free transport from Geronimo-features
just because my legs have finally healed?
PSYCHO experimentally draws the bow across the violin, putting out a single,
beautiful note. In the background, MICHAEL screams, claps his hands to his ears,
and so falls out of the tree and into the lake with a splash. PSYCHO, oblivious
to this, shrugs and begins packing his violin away. As he does so, a damp
MICHAEL pulls himself out of the lake, crawls over to his wheelchair, and has
just managed to settle himself back into it by the time PSYCHO turns around
But that can wait.
We’ve got to revise for our exams!
PSYCHO pushes MICHAEL away towards the castle.
EXT. – PORNWATCHER TOWER – NIGHT
A view of the tower at night – we zoom through the window…
INT. – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – NIGHT
The lights are on and all the students are studying frantically. OTHNIEL is
reading a book, visibly straining his eyes.
Gah – no, it’s no good, I just can’t
decipher this ATL version of Cyrillic script.
It’s English, you’re just holding
the book upside down.
OTHNIEL turns the whole book over, so he’s now looking at the outside cover and
spine (still upside down) and continues to stare at it gamely. LUAKEL
Pan around – PSYCHO and MICHAEL (in his wheelchair) are quizzing each
"What is the spell, er I mean POD, required
to change someone’s DNA to alter their
Oh, I know that one.
(he flicks his Podder)
"Morpheus Keratus Chromus."
We hear the distant Gahh!! of MrP. A jet of light shoots out of PSYCHO’s Podder
and hits MICHAEL’s hair, which turns…blue. MICHAEL turns superciliously towards
the camera, breaking the fourth wall.
I bet you bozoes were thinking it would turn red
and I’d go around screaming to get it off, hmm?
Well tough. We’re not as unoriginal as that.
No indeed…now what’s the Pod for summoning
a host of genetically enhanced animals from a
dystopian FH TL?
Easy, "Invocatus Eucaryotis Ingegneria!"
MICHAEL twirls his Podder and a jet of light shoots over PSYCHO’s shoulder,
hitting the wall. The wall dissolves into countless BLUE-CRESTED GREBES,
genetically enhanced ducks from a FH TL. Having mistaken MICHAEL’s blue hair for
the female’s mating plumage, they descend on him.
(over MICHAEL’s screams)
See, we’re much cleverer than that.
Pan across to the remaining pair, LEO and THERMO. LEO is glancing doubtfully at
a pile of books that appears to constitute an entire library, stretching all the
way up to the ceiling. In his hands is a slim volume titled: "The
Mandaeanophile’s Guide to Cramming for Beginners".
Once more unto the breech…
or as the Mandaeans would say,
‘help, stop persecuting me!’
LEO rubs his hands together and, with a determined expression, starts on the
huge pile of books.
Meanwhile, THERMO is only occasionally glancing at his book (which is titled
‘Hungarian-Iroquois Ziggurat Architecture in a Lunar Environment’). He is
Anglosaxon…where are you?
A significant shadow passes by the window…
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – DAY
A somewhat cloudier day than before. We see solemn-looking students trooping
across the quadrangle to the great hall.
INT. – GREAT HALL – DAY
The hall is laid out with countless small tables, on which the third-year
students are scribbling frantically. A massive round brass clock sits at the
front of the hall – its tick is like the crack of doom, resonating throughout
Can I have my fob-watch back when you’ve finished with it, cobbers?
THANDE glares at DMA, who shrugs and retires. Several teachers are at the front,
looking bored. Some walk up and down the aisles, glaring at students.
Dull job, this being an Invigilator.
Indeed, old boy!
(thinks to himself)
Hmm, Invigilator would make a good name
for an Imperial Star Destroyer…
MrP begins scribbling as frantically as any of the students; THANDE sighs, then
walks down an aisle. As he does so, he picks up each student’s bottle of water
off their desk and puts it on the floor. As soon as he’s gone past a desk, the
puzzled-looking student picks it up and puts it back on the desk.
We pan around the room to the various students, which are grouped by house.
First, the Fudgepackers. ALIKCHI is scribbling away industrially, crosses things
out, writes something else, crosses that out, then he lifts the piece of
paper critically and it disintegrates. Sighing, he starts again.
KIT and JUSTIN PICKARD are whispering to each other while writing.
Pah, contrary to the Daily Telegraph’s
scaremongering, I can say that this
exam is just as challenging as
those in the past, if not more!
I quite agree, Kittofer.
Hmm…how do you spell "Justin Pickard" again?
If I get it right, that’s 20% credit…
Beside them, FELLATIO NELSON sits back and winks at the camera. (No, this is
not a spelling mistake).
Pah, never mind revision, I have adopted
the finest tradition of the Royal Navy, i.e. cheating.
Pan down and we see NEK emerge from FELL’s satchel on the floor, giving him the
Focus on FELL’s face.
Go to work, Nek.
(his expression changes subtly)
That’s very nice, but what I actually meant
was, could you hand me my cheat notes.
Pan across to the KNOWITALLS, who are also writing away. KIDBLAST is staring at
a question involving a map of the Middle East. The question reads ‘Shade all
areas that can be argued to be part of the historical state of Israel’.
Must be a trick question.
He uncaps a huge black marker pen and goes over the whole map in black, then all
around it as well, until the entire sheet is solid black. He grins in a faintly
Beside him, THE BALD IMPOSTER sucks his pen meditatively as he reads a question
about art. It reads: ‘Compare and contrast: which of these statues are the
product of a classical Greek civilisation that extends into the first century
BC, with an aborted Roman Republic, and which are neo-replicas made by the
Midgardwank Byzantine Empire?’
THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hmm, tricky one.
Maybe if I…
THE BALD IMPOSTER half-turns over the page from the bottom up, so the top half
of the page shows the top half of one statue, and the bottom half of the page
shows the bottom half of another. He glances from one to the other, notes a few
things and then fills in the first column of answers.
He then moves on to the next pair, the top half looking like the Venus de Milo
and the bottom half like Michaelangelo’s David. He looks from one to the other,
THE BALD IMPOSTER
I find that strangely…
THE BALD IMPOSTER’s eyes widen and he beats his head on the desk. In the
background, we can see FELL and LANDSHARK (an invigilator) chortling.
THE BALD IMPOSTER
Pan across to KILNGIRL, who is also sucking her pen and staring off into the
distance. Looking at her paper, we see that the question is: ‘If you had to
choose between being ISOTed to Sudanasesia or Mysterious Place in the USA, which
would it be…?’ She looks pensive and indecisive, but develops a determined
expression even as the camera moves away.
We then come to the MISERYGUTS. Focus on EVOLVEDSAURIAN’s paper and we see that
he is simply writing ‘Quack quaaack quack’ over and over again. He suddenly
snaps out of it, crumples up his paper and shakes himself, then begins writing
HIGHLANDER, on the other hand, keeps forgetting and his writing resembles one of
those footprint charts for wild animals. Instead of a pen, he has a small
anthropomorphic squid, with breasts, which squirts ink onto his page.
Finally, GBW. He is writing industrially, his cyborg implant flashing with a
little rotating satellite dish.
Hah, little do they know my implants have
wireless internet capability!
I can access Wikipedia, the infallible
source of knowledge!
Pan down to the question he is answering… ‘Give a short, unbiased summary of the
histories of 1)[/i] Poland and 2)[/i] Armenia’…
Finally we come to the PORNWATCHERS. THERMO is writing unenthusiastically,
although because he’s THERMO, he’s still writing the answers on the question
paper and vice versa. PSYCHO confidently answers a question, then glances
sideways at MICHAEL (still in his wheelchair). Cautiously, PSYCHO
crumbles up a piece of paper, sets light to it with a cigarette lighter and then
uses a handkerchief to modulate the puffs of smoke going upward. MICHAEL reads
the signal fire, nods and then copies down PSYCHO’s answer.
However, the three chums are quite different. LEO has bags under his eyes and an
enormous pile of exam papers, filling one after the other. OTHNIEL has his head
in his hands, trying desperately to remember something. He brightens.
That’s it – geography!
(glances down again)
Now I’ve got the subject right,
all I have to do is remember something
Meanwhile, LUAKEL surreptitiously has the Pornhoarder’s BAM next to him on the
desk. Pan in and we see that he’s using it to view his own dormitory room. He
zooms in and we see that he’s got all his revision books laid out on his bed. He
zooms in further and one book fills the whole map. He then begins copying stuff
off the book onto his exam paper.
Hey, I’m the can-do-no-wrong hero,
I’m allowed to get away with this sort of thing.
He writes some more, then accidently nudges his pencil case and it falls over
onto the map, hitting the ‘zoom out’ control. LUAKEL curses as the map zooms out
until it shows the whole castle. He reaches for the ‘zoom in’, and then freezes
Focus on the map – two names chasing each other around the castle… STANNUS
PHOILUS and SERIOUS MATT.
EXT. – OUTSIDE EXAM ROOM – DAY
It’s wearing on into the afternoon. The doors to the exam room swing open and
DMA walks out, holding his massive fob watch. It chimes with a huge, Big
Ben-like Bonnngggg! and it vibrates DMA into the air as he’s going
through the stone doorway, wedging him in place.
Give us the flick, you little ankle-biters,
before I do a technicolour snake!
Cut to INT. – EXAM ROOM – DAY
Er – what?
THANDE pushes through them, his Podder under his arm.
I believe Mr Atwell wishes you to help
him leave his current precarious position…
Of course, no help from you is necessary.
THANDE flicks his Podder in the direction of DMA. In the background, we can see
MrP (having entirely forgotten about the examination) putting the
finishing touches on a model of the Imperial Star Destroyer Invigilator
made out of old CD cases. As we watch, he gently lowers two golfballs onto the
bridge tower to become the shield projectors…
(hands spasm and destroy his model)
Cut back to EXT. – OUTSIDE EXAM ROOM – DAY
DMA’s eyes suddenly widen.
Oh, you whacka!
With a loud ‘POP!’, DMA goes flying out of the archway like a cork from a
champagne bottle. He speeds across the corridor, bounces off the opposite wall
and ends up sprawling, groaning, on the floor. Just as he’s picking himself up,
of course, he gets trampled by the crowd of cheering students as they all pour
out of the room. MICHAEL makes a point of running over DMA’s hand with his
wheelchair. DMA groans.
Ugh…think I’ll chuck a sickie…
PSYCHO pats MICHAEL on the head in a slightly patronising way.
Good start. I’ll complete my revenge later.
Yes. I echo that statement in every way.
As soon as PSYCHO turns his back, MICHAEL pulls out a blow-lamp and frantically
burns the patch of hair that he touched.
The last three out of the archway are LEO, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL. LEO looks tired
but quietly triumphant, his right hand still quivering slightly from writing so
much, while both LUAKEL and OTHNIEL look pensive.
OTHNIEL suddenly snaps his fingers and curses mildly.
Call me a Mormon and send me to Dakota!
I knew I was doing something wrong!
He takes out his pen and scowls at it. Curiously, the cap has been ground down
to almost nothing.
Right subject, right material…wrong end of the pen!
Never mind. Last exam, which I understand
is a course for celebration among you strange
education-hating ‘normal’ people.
(pats LUAKEL on the back)
What’s up, Luaky?
Something I saw on the Pornhoarder’s BAM…
(shakes his head)
I wish I could know how accurate it was.
I wish I knew who really made it…
LEO takes the folded map out of LUAKEL’s hands.
Well, let’s see…
"I solemnly swear that I am putting both
mine and others’ lives in danger".
The map lights up as it did the first time, and LEO reads it.
‘Messrs. Horny, Tinfoil, Pantsless and Thongs’…
Those sound like schoolboy nicknames.
Maybe they were here at AH.com years ago?
Hey, that was the plot of the last book!
You keep telling me that’s not allowed…
Good idea, Oth. How could we find out?
Check the library records?
It’d take too long, and they might not have nicknames recorded.
We should just find someone who’s
been here long enough to know them.
(a bit sulkily)
No. If this turns out to be nothing, I don’t want
to embarrass myself over it.
And I dread to think what would happen if he
got his hands on this map…
SFX – DOCTOR WHAT’S OFFICE (LUAKEL’S PREDICTION) – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is unrolling the map over his desk, then reaches up to his globe of
the world and spins it. As well as the globe spinning, it changes its borders
from one timeline to another as it does so. DOCTOR WHAT reaches out and randomly
(looking at his finger)
Ah! Inevitable Burgundian Mexico!
(looks down at the map)
Now…find me all the porn in that country!
As the map begins to show the locations, DOCTOR WHAT leaps atop his desk and
stares manically at the ceiling, his arms outstretched.
Soon I will find all the porn in every possible universe
and gather it to myself, One Stash To Rule Them All!
(screams at the ceiling, as dramatic winds swirl around him)
AND ON THAT DAY I WILL BECOME A GOOOOOOD!!!
The image fades…
Cut back to - INT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE EXAM ROOM – DAY
LEO and OTHNIEL shudder.
I see what you mean. Who, then?
How about DMA? He’s been here donkey’s years,
and he wouldn’t betray us over this map.
Huh, well, it’d be a bit hypocritical if he did,
after all the things he’s had us hide for him…
OTHNIEL twitches strangely, then sighs, reached into his sleeve with his other
hand, and pulls out a brightly coloured snake with a label on reading ‘Highly
Endangered Technicolour Snake, Illegal for Export outside Australia’. He puts it
back into his pocket. LEO and LUAKEL react as though this is entirely normal.
That’s settled, then. We’ll go and see him tonight.
Tonight? But the curfew will fall before we get back!
What about the Phonespammers?
(taps the map)
The Secret Secret Passage, remember?
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – NIGHT
A warm summer night. However, patches of tangible cold persist around the
floating shadows of the PHONESPAMMERS. As we watch, one of them – COLOURS –
drifts over to a tree.
(more coherent voice than most Phonespammers)
Would you like to know more about China?
The tree freezes solid, withers and dies.
I’ll take that as a yes.
Pan back across to the castle, as the lights begin to wink out, one by one.
Through the Pornwatcher tower window…
INT. – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – NIGHT
As usual, the beds are occupied by MICHAEL, PSYCHO, LUAKEL, LEO, OTH and THERMO.
All of them are snoring loudly.
As we watch, though, LUAKEL opens an eye tentatively and glances around. Nodding
to himself, he gets up and touches OTH’s shoulder; OTH also instantly gets up.
Everyone else had dropped off. Ready to go?
Ready to risk our lives’ and others’, breaking
countless safety rules, just to find the answer
to a probably irrelevant question?
Who wouldn’t be?
LUAKEL grins thinly. He goes over to LEO’s bed and shakes him, then frowns when
nothing happens. He pulls the covers back –
To find LEO under the covers with a torch, reading a textbook.
Oh, Leo! We’ve just had our last exam!
Never too early to start studying for next year…
LUAKEL drags LEO away from his book as OTH begins dressing in a black ninja
Now, Luaky, I know you have that
Ninja/Pirate Blindness Syndrome, so let’s
make it entirely clear that we’re dressing as
ninjas, not pirates.
LUAKEL pauses halfway through screwing a hook onto his hand. OTH glares at him
and he looks sheepish.
Um…it’s a…hand-mounted shuriken holder?
LUAKEL vanishes as OTH throws a second black outfit over his head. LUAKEL tugs
it off, glares at him, then starts to put it on. In the background, we see LEO
doing the same, after correcting the grammar of the katakana down the side of
his katana with a soldering iron.
I wonder who else in this castle
has the same problem as me…?
Cut to - INT. – FLOCC’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Tight on – FLOCC’s desk, which is shaped like the Golden Hind but without
masts, with the deck as the writing surface. On it, prominently displayed with
gleaming gold edges, is a piece of card labelled [i]‘Aaarrrrrficial Pirate
Invitation to Bootyfest 2007 (and that’s in the sense pertaining to th’
wenches rather than th’ loot, shipmates!’
Pan upward as FLOCC ties his eyepatch around his head. He looks at himself
critically in the mirror. He has a bicorn hat on top of a black ninja outfit,
with a parrot perched on his shoulder.
I’m sure something’s not quite right…
He shrugs, lifting his hook-hand to check it, and the shuriken hooked on it go
flying off randomly. One scores a cut across his forehead, while another hits
his parrot – we hear a loud ‘AWK!!’ and then it’s on the floor, spraying blood
and blue feathers everywhere. FLOCC stares at the dying parrot dispassionately.
If you think I’m going to regurgitate a tired old
Monty Python sketch for the 32423423423th time,
you’ve got another think coming!
Suddenly the door bursts open and BENEDICT XVII, ACE VENOM and MrP (wearing a
WW1 flying helmet) burst in, wearing bright red uniforms.
No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
You know, I actually didn’t.
FLOCC shrugs, draws a cutlass in one hand and a katakana in the other, and
starts fighting the Inquisitors.
Cut back to - INT. – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – NIGHT
LUAKEL, OTH and LEO are now fully in their ninja garb. LUAKEL pauses to pack his
GPS polygraph machine.
What’s that for?
Just to make sure DMA tells us the truth.
Good point. I’ll take my Importantplotpointometer, too.
OTH picks up his device, which spins toward LEO’s rucksack and starts flashing
Shh, you’ll wake everybody up!
What have you packed, Leo?
LEO turns away and heads towards the door. Shrugging, OTH and LEO follow him.
The door swings slowly shut behind them. For a moment, the dormitory is entirely
quiet, aside from the snores.
Then PSYCHO and MICHAEL both sit up in quick succession.
DMA? They’re going to see DMA?
This is my chance to catch him out in the open,
away from any of his little animal helpers!
Now you’re thinking like a wargamer!
Um, that was a compliment, wasn’t it?
MICHAEL and PSYCHO put on ninja outfits of their own and leave in pursuit of
LEO, OTH and LUAKEL, PSYCHO pushing MICHAEL in the wheelchair.
For another long moment, the dormitory is quiet except for a single
sound…someone hiccupping loudly and pointedly.
Then THERMO, too, rises.
DMA! He must be helping that bastard Caesius
hide the evidence that his invisible Egyptian cat
ate Anglosaxon, my goldfish!
Why am I over-establishing in my dialogue?
PAN UP – through the ceiling – SENIOR PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – where
MERRYPRANKSTER is examining a container of red pills as he tips them into the
water supply. As the pills hit the water, they fizz and disoslve.
Yep, that should do the trick.
(laughs at the sky)
And I shall not rest until every single
event in the history of the universe is
explicitly stated in dialogue!
(ominous flash of lightning outside)
…this reminds me of an episode of the Series I wrote…
Pan back down again – THERMO shrugs and puts on a brilliant white samurai
outfit, then sets off after the others.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – COURTYARD – NIGHT
We see the three groups of Pornwatchers creeping stealthily across the
courtyard, one after the other. THERMO’s white samurai uniform flickers white
for the moment in the beam of a searchlight.
Pan up to see the hand working the searchlight, then up the arm – it’s FLOID,
chewing disconsolately on a plug of tobacco. As we watch, he spits it out to one
side and we hear a metallic ‘Ding!’
Pull back to reveal that FLOID is standing on the battlements of the castle,
between an array of security cameras and telescopes.
Hmm! What’s this?
Pornwatchers out of dorm out of hours?
FLOID rubs his hands, which are clad in Dickensian fingerless gloves, together
with a gleeful expression.
Now’s my chance to nail that delinquent
Commer once and for all…
FLOID quickly packs away all his cameras and telescopes into a rucksack, throws
it on his back, then flips up his hood – we see he is wearing Bedouin-type
Sudanasesian tribesman gear.
Fortunately, I can outrun them.
Change camera angle – we see the silhouettes of the PORNWATCHERS (and
THERMO’s bright white shape) vanishing through the gates of AH.com and into
the night. In the background, we hear a ‘whhh-ooosh! whhh-ooosh!’ sound from
Finally, panting and red in the face, FLOID stands up.
I knew those years I spent in the
Royal Sudanasesian Flying Camel Corps
FLOID produces a blow-up camel that he’s clearly just inflated. The camel has a
stupefied, love-doll-type expression on its face. FLOID kisses it and then
climbs onto its hump.
(saluting the sky)
Away we go!
FLOID pulls out a small pocket fan and wedges it up the camel’s backside – we
see the fan blades start to spin – the camel, FLOID and all, takes off into the
sky and hurtles off towards the fleeing Pornwatchers.
Pan across the castle battlements to another tower, and through the window…
INT. – KNOWITALL DORMITORY – NIGHT
KILNGIRL is staring dolefully out of the window, upon which rain beats
dramatically. Which is odd, as it wasn’t raining before. Beside her are her
slightly damaged photos of FLOID and GBW, and she keeps glancing from one to the
other. Her expression is troubled.
Have to make a decision…can’t keep dithering…
We hear a CLANG against the window that distracts her. She glances up
angrily and we see KIDBLAST hanging upside down outside the window, his arms
tied behind his back and spitting sporadically on the window (hence the
There! It’s clean! I’m sorry I spilled
my Shechita homework all over the window!
You’d better be…
KILNGIRL casually reaches out and pulls an unseen lever, causing KIDBLAST’s rope
to uncoil off a pulley. He hurtles downward out of sight, accompanied by a
Floidy or GBW…GBWy or Floid…
A movement disturbs her again. She glances out of the spit-streaked window to
see FLOID flying haphazardly after the Pornwatchers atop his inflatable flying
Floidy! Maybe it’s a sign…
She stands consumed by indecision for a moment, then quickly pulls on a ninja
outfit of her own and vanishes down the stairs of the dormitory tower.
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – COURTYARD – NIGHT
We see KILNGIRL pursuing FLOID and the PORNWATCHERS. As she does, we pull back
to yet another tower –
INT. – MISERYGUTS DORMITORY – NIGHT
GBW is observing this from his own window. As we watch, he raises a hand to the
cyborg implant covering the right side of his face and adjusts something
infinitisimally. His machine eye, which glows red like a laser pointer, narrows
and extends out like a camera zoom. We briefly see the scene from GBW’s point of
view – KILNGIRL’s silhouette outlined in bright green, infrared.
Hmm, knew I should have invested in the X-ray version…
(shakes his head)
What’s Kilny up to?
He glances upwards and sees FLOID outlined against the night. Focus on GBW as
his other, still-human eye develops a tic.
That Sudanasesian git!
He’s trying to steal her away from me!
(shakes his head)
This cannot be allowed.
GBW turns away from the window, throwing on his jacket, then pauses in
indecision. A shoulder angel pops into existence over his right shoulder,
bearing the tag ‘Logic and Reason’.
GBW’S LOGIC AND REASON
(waving a tiny finger officiously)
No! Going out after hours is forbidden!
Curfew! If you break it for personal reasons
you’ll be just as bad as Commer!
(stroking his chin)
Hmm, a good point…but what does the other guy have to say?
Over his other shoulder, a shoulder devil appears – but it has the squidheaded
appearance of Cthulhu and is ten times bigger than the Logic and Reason. It
bears the nametag ‘AH.com’.
With a lazy movement, GBW’s AH.com lashes out, grabs GBW’s Logic and Reason and
eats it whole.
(said in echoing ancient voice)
GBW’s AH.com puffs out of existence. GBW turns around to find HIGHLANDER and
EVOLVEDSAURIAN watching him curiously. EVOLVEDSAURIAN’s pyjamas make him look
like a leprechaun, while HIGHLANDER is wearing an alternative fursuit with
Alright, you two! We’re moving out!
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE COURTYARD – NIGHT
GBW, EVOLVEDSAURIAN and HIGHLANDER emerge from the Miseryguts tower. GBW is now
dressed as Locutus of Borg, while HIGHLANDER is daubing green camouflage paint
all over his fursuit.
Hey, ‘Nospace’, can you change
the colour of your scales like a chameleon?
(in a hiss)
No, but I can do this!
EVOLVEDSAURIAN pulls a thread that causes countless St Patrick’s Day shamrocks
to pop out of his jacket, completely covering him in portable camouflage
(adjusts his tracking eye)
Let’s go kick some Sudanasesian ass.
The three Miserygutses go out, following (in order) KILNGIRL, FLOID,
THERMO, MICHAEL/PSYCHOMELTDOWN and LUAKEL/OTHNIEL/LEO. The six parties are now
spread out over the countryside as LUAKEL’s party heads for DMA’s cave, unaware
that they are being followed.
Finally pan up to the last tower window…
INT. – FUDGEPACKER TOWER – NIGHT
ALIKCHI is staring musingly out of the window.
Hey, looks like everyone else is going down to
DMA’s cave. Think we should follow, see what’s up?
Nah. Let’s just have a huge random orgy instead.
FELL pats NEK patronisingly on the head.
I think not, Nekropher. Go and let Baldie in,
he must be waiting outside.
I never get to take part…
NEK, in a much-put-upon manner, goes to the door and opens it just as the theme
from Fraggle Rock (the doorbell) rings. Behind it is THE BALD IMPOSTER
with a huge coffin-like box slung under his arm.
Balders! Glad you can make it.
Sure you don’t want to join us for the main event?
Thought not. Well, did you bring him?
(taps the coffin-box)
Great. First, has everyone got their
Battlestar-Galactica-Quote shielding on?
(tuts while tapping his safety glasses)
Of course, Health and Safety is of paramount importance.
Alright, Baldie, let him out and the fun can commence!
Cut to - EXT. – OUTSIDE FUDGEPACKER TOWER – NIGHT
There is a pregnant pause, then an explosion of noise. We see a firework rocket
go flying from the window and explode in a shower of pink and silver sparks,
then a scream.
Yep, that’s right, keep standing with fist!
Wait your turn, Nekropher! Anyway, we
haven’t asked Baldie if he wants a go!
As we pull away from the tower, BALDIE’s
drift away into the sky. We again see the procession walking across the dark
fields to DMA’s cave, and note the flickering shadows of the PHONESPAMMERS
EXT. – OUTSIDE DMA’S CAVE – NIGHT
DMA’s cave has a cheerful homely light coming out of its entrance, a sharp
contrast to the brooding gloom of the Inadvisable Copse that forms its backdrop.
As we watch, the light is joined by song, accompanied by Wobbleboard and
‘There once was an ASB who went for a filibust,
All from Mexico to Patagon-ee…
We see the silhouettes of LUAKEL, OTHNIEL and LEO creeping towards the cave
INT. – DMA’S CAVE – NIGHT
DMA’s cave is actually quite cosy. As we saw in the previous films, his
furniture is made out of countless beer cans lashed together in the shape of
chairs, tables etc. We pan around to reveal DMA wearing a chef’s hat and
cheerfully pouring Vegemite over something on a spitting barbecue.
‘And he sang as he watched and waited ‘til his America wanked,
"Who’ll come a-ISOTing Turtledove with me?"’
We hear a loud clanging sound. DMA glances up, puts down his Vegemite jar and
walks over towards the cave entrance.
Visitors at this hour? Throw another shrimp on the barbie.
Some dill’s come a gutser if he’s breaking curfew.
DMA goes to the cave entrance, which is covered by a curtain. He opens a flap in
the curtain and looks out suspiciously.
Alright, who’s fossickin’ at me portal at this time o’ night?
LUAKEL sheepishly tugs the curtain aside.
Um, I’m not sure what all those words mean-
Nor do I!
-but we need to see you.
DMA scratches his head, dislodging the chef’s hat.
Well, I’m as busy as a cat buryin’ shit, but
pull up some tinnies and we’ll yabber some bizzo.
Just come in.
The three of them go in and DMA closes the curtain behind them.
Cut to – LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL all sat on the stacks of beer cans, holding
steaming mugs of Bovril. DMA plucks a roast koala off the barbecue, looks at it
critically and plonks it back on, then adds more Vegemite.
So what brings you to me humble abode?
I warn you, it’s London to a brick I’m flat out like a lizard drinking.
(just ignoring it now)
(leans forward conspiratorially)
DMA pauses to stab several bits of boiled opossum on the end of a
Mm? Go on, cobber.
You were here at AH.com years ago, weren’t you?
Don’t like to discuss me age, but no worries, been here a yonk or two.
DMA raises his kebab and sniffs it with a smile, adding a little more Vegemite.
Erm, yes. Listen, do you know the names
Horny, Tinfoil, Pantsless and Thongs?
DMA drops the kebab and the jar of Vegemite. The jar shatters on the stony floor
of the cave, sending glass shards and bits of Vegemite spraying everywhere,
covering everyone. OTHNIEL shrieks and falls back off his tins, clutching
frantically at his eye.
It went in my eye! It went in my eye!
It’s alright, I know a spell – er, I mean, POD –
to get broken glass out of eyes?
Broken glass? It was vegemite!
LUAKEL shakes his head as LEO heals OTHNIEL with a flick of his Podder.
Never heard of them.
(looking around ironically)
Look, I don’t like to talk about me waggin’ days…
Please, DMA! It’s important!
Look, I’ve got this map…
LUAKEL pulls out the Pornhoarder’s BAM and DMA reacts with recognition.
That old thingo! I thought it were long since gone. No worries.
How’d you get yer filthy little hands on it?
I want to know how accurate it is.
Absolutely tophole, mate! Bottler! Never wrong!
Why, I remember old Horny used to use…
I’ve said too much.
Avoiding LUAKEL’s gaze, DMA starts to sweep the fragments of glass and Vegemite
onto his Wobbleboard.
(raising an eyebrow)
But I saw a name on it the other day.
The name of someone who’s supposed to be dead…
Was it Harold Holt?
DMA drops the Wobbleboard, sending glass flying everywhere as before – OTHNIEL
screams and clutches his other eye – LEO sighs.
S-stannus Phoilus? Old Tinfoil?
No, be away with you. It can’t be…
Phoilus was Tinfoil??
(while healing OTHNIEL’s eye)
Well duh, Luaky, it’s a blatantly
transparent bit of dog Latin, it should
be obvious to anyone…
So Stannus Phoilus could be alive?
(shaking his head vigorously)
No. The map must be wrong. It’s a shonky crook.
But you just said it was infallible.
It must have lost something with age, just like Dame Edna!
Now be off with you!
DMA practically sweeps the three of them out of the cave, LUAKEL barely having
time to grab the map.
EXT. – OUTSIDE DMA’S CAVE – NIGHT
We see LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL being booted out of the cave and sailing through
the air in an arc, landing with a crash.
(rubbing his backside)
Fortunately, I fell on something soft and squishy.
Sorry about that, I get this vertigo…
Groaning, the three of them pick themselves up.
Well, that was profitable.
Dammit, he did know something, he just wouldn’t tell…
So Phoilus was one of the ones who made my map?
Yeah, sure, very interesting. Now how about getting back?
LUAKEL unfolds the Pornhoarder’s BAM and scans it.
There – there’s the other end of the Secret Secret Passage…
Hmm, looks like it comes out at the Shirking Shed, in Iansburg!
Of course…it must have been used by generations of students
to sneak away for truancy…
(looks faintly ill)
Good, let’s go.
LUAKEL folds up the map. As he does so, we hear a loud, echoing muttering coming
from DMA’s cave.
Bloody ankle-biters…want to know about
that whacka Serious Matt and his mates…
Wait, what if he mutters something important?
We can’t stay. We have to get back or we’ll
miss the morning check.
Oth is correct. Unfortunately.
I wanted to try and prove – er, I mean, see if –
his incomprehensible Australian slang was derived from
What a pity we can’t be in two places at once…
(an odd look on his face)
LEO steps behind a tree for a moment. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL glance at each other
with puzzled expressions. We hear a twinkling noise, then a ‘schlurp’ and a
brief flash of light from behind the tree. Then LEO emerges, looking tireder,
paler, worner, perhaps even shorter, but still himself.
OK. Let’s go.
(as they turn and leave)
Listen, I don’t know what you do in
those little mysterious sessions, but
it can’t be good for you…
Maybe you shouldn’t have sellotaped
the Book of Onan into the middle of
his Neo-Mandaic scriptures.
(over their laughter)
Shut up, you two!
They vanish off down the road to Iansburg. For a moment the clearing is quiet.
Then MICHAEL and PSYCHO emerge from cover, both wearing ninja uniforms, MICHAEL
in a wheelchair.
Now’s our chance! He’s distracted!
Um, if it’s OK, I’d rather stick to plan A and just kill him…
PSYCHO pulls his violin out of its case; MICHAEL puts earplugs in. PSYCHO wheels
MICHAEL towards the entrance to DMA’s cave.
Behind them, the camouflage parts once more and THERMO appears in his blinding
white samurai uniform, looking around while smoking a cigar from his ear. With a
decisive nod, he heads off after MICHAEL and PSYCHO.
The clearing is quiet once more for a while, then FLOID appears on his
(giggling Faginishly to himself)
A secret passage, eh? I’ll get ’em expelled this time for sure!
FLOID kicks the inflatable flying camel with his spurs – it springs a minor leak
and goes rocketing off after LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL. Immediately afterwards,
KILNGIRL pops up and sights after FLOID.
You’re not the only one hunting tonight, Floidy…
KILNGIRL pursues FLOID. Again, bare seconds later, GBW, EVOLVEDSAURIAN and
HIGHLANDER appear from the foliage.
They’re all going after Commer and his friends!
(rubbing his organic hand on his metal one)
It shall take a truly great mind to both ensure
Floid gets Commer’s little club in trouble
and puts Kilny off…
GBW takes out his Thinking Cap and puts it on – the little steam whistles and
lights come to life.
Fortunately, I have one.
GBW, EVOLVEDSAURIAN and HIGHLANDER go off after KILNGIRL.
Pan back around to DMA’s cave entrance –
INT. – DMA’S CAVE – NIGHT
DMA looks up, annoyed, as his clanging doorbell rings again.
I’ve told you once, you little figjams…
DMA picks up a cricket bat and strides towards the door. As he gets there,
though, the curtain is thrown back and MICHAEL’s wheelchair rolls through like a
chariot, bashing into him and knocking him over.
Doodle me clacker! What the Minogue are you two doing here?
You’ll make me as cross as a frog in a sock!
I am here…for revenge.
After you killed my beautiful Alyson…
(starts to point at MICHAEL)
It was this drongo-
Get him, Psycho!
PSYCHO cups his violin under his chin and plays a single beautiful chord. We see
the complex choral music appear in the air as glowing notes and staves fired out
of the violin, which speed through the air and strike DMA in the face. He yells
out in pain and falls to his knees, dropping the cricket bat.
Two little boys! This is no wog!
What now, kemo sabe?
As PSYCHO raises his violin, we hear a THUMP – PSYCHO’s eyes disfocus and he
collapses, dropping his violin. MICHAEL spins his wheelchair around to see
THERMO holding a sawn-off shotgun. Naturally, he’s sawn off the wrong end, but
has nonetheless knocked out PSYCHO by hitting him with the orphaned barrel.
You’re not killing DMA until I know what
happened to Anglosaxon!
Your fish? Oh, Leo’s invisible cat ate it.
They went that way, off to the Shirking Shed.
He turns and stumps away, muttering to himself.
Right. Problem one dealt with…
He spins around again to find DMA rising, patting his cricket bat into his hand
and with a dirty look on his face.
Problem two, on the other hand…
(spits out a mouthful of blood)
You’ve been spreading porkies, you big wowser!
Fair dinkum, mate. Let’s finish this Aussie-style.
Okay, but I only have three seasons’ worth of
Neighbours on DVD, so we can’t do the
third round of the contest.
Actually, I just meant mano a mano…
MICHAEL pulls a lever and Boudicca-style blades flick out of the wheels of his
DMA closes with MICHAEL for an epic battle…as he gets closer, MICHAEL leaps out
of his wheelchair and headbutts the surprised DMA, who collapses.
It always pays to cheat.
He glances down at PSYCHO and DMA’s unconscious forms sprawled over each other,
Meh, they’ll either wake up and kill each other or
marry each other in a civil ceremony. Either works.
MICHAEL pats his hands together and walks out of the cave.
Another plan flawlessly executed…
We see a distinctive giant shadow fall over him and the side of DMA’s cave.
(in the same tone)
EXT. – AH.COM GROUNDS – NIGHT
The castle is a looming hulk in the distance, only a few lights on. LEO, LUAKEL
and OTHNIEL all creep towards the dim shape of the Shirking Shed, a dilapidated
building standing a short way off from the lights of Iansburg.
(mumbling to himself)
Deliberately going into a house of truancy…
what on earth would Rudolf Macuch think…
Ssh. We’re nearly there.
The building rears up before them, its splintered windows and battered door
looking like the gaping holes in a skull. LUAKEL shivers as he tentatively
pushes the door, which is hanging open, aside.
A massive flock of bats suddenly hurtles out, some of them flapping in his face.
LUAKEL screams and claps his hands over his face as the swarm of bats fly past
OTHNIEL and LEO, who stand back hurriedly. The bats, dimly visible against the
background, fly off into the distance.
Vot zer hell vas zat?
Gott im Himmel!
LUAKEL lowers his hands from his face to show he now has a Hitler toothbrush
moustache and a monocle.
(taking a step back)
ASBs. Looks like they caught you…
LEO pulls out his Podder and aims it at LUAKEL.
A jet of smoke and light pours out of the end of LEO’s Podder and shapes itself
into a small figure of GLADI wielding a rolled-up newspaper.
GLADI slaps LUAKEL repeatedly with the rolled-up newspaper.
(lashing out randomly)
Nein! Nein! Ne…no! No!
That’s got it!
LEO lowers his Podder; the smoke-and-light figure of GLADI smiles and dissolves.
LUAKEL has been returned to normal.
Just a bit of Nazification, easy enough to cure…
(glances at OTHNIEL)
Oh, Oth, I see they caught you too.
Indeed OTHNIEL is wearing a Nazi armband.
(avoids his eyes)
Erm, yes, they must have, right…
CUT TO - INT. – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – NIGHT - OTHNIEL’s bunk has its
bedclothes thrown back to reveal the covers are decorated with swastikas and
slogans reading ‘Mache die Welt Otlerfrei!’ (only in even worse German than
Cut back to show LEO removing the armband from OTH with a repetition of the
spell, I mean POD.
Come on. Let’s not waste any more time.
LEO pushes past the other two and leads them into the dark building. LUAKEL
gulps as they pass under the threshold…
The camera zooms out, then our vision slowly melds into one of glowing red and
green lights, with a targeting reticule in the middle and random data scrolling
past one side. The camera angle changes to show GBW’s robotic eye whirring as it
focuses on the Shirking Shed, i.e. we just had GBW’s point of view. GBW and his
two cronies are concealed in some bushes near the Shriking Shed.
The Shirking Shed, hmm?
(rubs hands together)
Caught in the act, just as Straha recommended!
All I have to do is alert the authorities and…
Um, boss? How are you going to explain
why we were out here?
(chewing this over)
Pan around to show KILNGIRL, in her ninja outfit and sitting in a tree, watching
the unsuspecting GBW in turn.
Now to see what GBWy will do…whether he’s
worthy of my love…
What happened to Floidy?
Cut to - EXT. – ABOVE THE INADVISABLE COPSE – NIGHT
FLOID is struggling to hold onto his inflatable camel as it hurtles through the
air, propelled by the air spurting out of the back as it deflates, pursued by
the cloud of ASBs. This CGI sequence is so impressive that we’ll cut some
explanatory dialogue from the later scenes to allow more time for it. This does
mean that the film’s plot doesn’t make sense, of course, but who cares? The kids
will come to see it anyway, grumble mumble…
(glances back angrily)
Bandits at six o’clock!
And other aeronautical jargon!
Focus on the ASBs as they close in. The bats at first appear to be normal, but
on closer inspection have three eyes and glow faintly green. Their fangs drip
with black, oily Implausibility as they chitter to themselves.
(in a chorus)
Batty batty bat, batty batty bat, batty batty bat!
(in time with this)
One, two, three, JUMP!
FLOID hurls himself off his deflating camel. The dark trees rise up to meet him.
A few ASBs peel off after him, but most confusedly keep chasing his camel. They
catch up to it as we watch, and parts of the camel start flashing with ISOTs as
the ASBs switch them for parts of other inflatable animals. It’s a pity
HIGHLANDER’s not here to see, really.
Tight on FLOID’s face as the wind screams past and he’s about to hit the trees –
Burn in hell, you alien scum!
FLOID pulls out what looks like a garage door remote and hammers down on the
single large button.
CUT TO - AH.COM CASTLE – BASEMENT – NIGHT - a row of garages all in a
row, labelled ‘DR WHAT’, ‘IRONYUPPIE’, ‘LANDSHARK’ etc…on the end is a small one
labelled ‘FLOID’, whose door now rattles upward to reveal the speedboat on a
CUT BACK TO FLOID
(squinting at the remote)
Oh, wrong one.
He throws it away, pulls out a second identical remote, and presses the button.
Behind him, his camel suddenly detonates in a Hindenburg-like explosion of
boiling yellow-red flame, incinerating all the ASBs around it. The explosion
silhouettes FLOID against the background.
A good thing I couldn’t afford helium!
Then the blast wave overtakes him, and we hear the CRASH of him hitting the
trees. Fade to black.
CUT TO - INT. – SHIRKING SHED – NIGHT
LUAKEL is now leading the way as they cautiously explore the house. OTHNIEL
shrinks from the spiderwebs hanging off the rafters, all of which have the word
‘Google’ discreetly encoded in their centre.
The door is far behind; as we watch, they enter a huge central room dominated by
a great, once-grand staircase leading up to an upper level. The ceiling has
dirty glass panels in it, but the room is dark and murky. In the middle of the
foyer is a cracked and foggy glass case, as large as a room by itself. LEO goes
up to it and cautiously prods the glass.
Leo, what are you doing?
First rule of Althistory, Luaky!
If you see something suspicious, you prod it!
And if it wobbles, you prod it harder!
The cracked glass indeed wobbles, so LEO presses harder. Then a murky shadow
grows behind the glass – LEO quickly jumps back as a single malevolent eye,
surrounded by scales, rises up to the glass.
Uh-oh. Someone’s pet reptile.
A big snake? Isn’t that a bit close to the original for a parody?
(glancing around fearfully)
Stop using logic and reason and just find the way out of here!
(shaking his head)
All right, all right.
I’ll just find it on the map…
LUAKEL takes out the map – on its cover we see the words ‘Horny, Tinfoil,
Pantsless and Thongs’ – and is about to open it –
Glad to see you brought my map back, Commer.
Three brilliant streams of multicoloured light shoot out from somewhere and
strike the three of them, throwing them back against the wall and holding them
there – the light forms itself into the shape of chains and handcuffs made of
(nodding frantically at the upper level)
It came from up there!
Well done, Caesius.
Full marks, even in my class, at last.
You must be so proud…
As he speaks, he steps forward into the dim light at the top of the stairs.
Oh, don’t look so surprised, Commer.
It’s not as though this is a coincidence.
I’ve been nursing your adventurous spirit all year…
talking about how Serious Matt is plotting your death.
I knew it wouldn’t be long before you went to check out
the place where it was rumoured he used to hang out, while at school…
Er – what?
I didn’t know that…
Nor did I!
What? But I definitely told my house-troll to spread that rumour!
CUT TO - INT. – AH.COM CASTLE – BASEMENT – NIGHT
Beside the row of garages – FLOID’s is still open, revealing the speedboat – we
can see an all-too-well-remembered gangling, dwarfish figure capering about,
while a similar but female figure is tied to a post nearby, a gag in her mouth
and making plaintive noises.
(for it is he)
yay!1 yuo ctue! rmeidn em fo ym sister!1
lets rnu away tgothethr!1 i cliam eth csota dle slo!11
RADICAL_NEUTURAL’s mad eyes alight on FLOID’s speedboat.
Yb teh cthulthu neanderthal realpolitick…
CUT BACK TO - DIAMOND
She failed. When I find her, I will give her 25 lashes.
(as an aside to OTHNIEL)
He’s obviously the bad guy, with
such rampant mistreatment of other
Yeah, in our house we only give them 20…
It is no matter. You came anyway.
We wanted to find out more about this map…
Ah yes. My map.
As we watch, DIAMOND steps peremptorily down the stairs, heading for the three
friends immobilised against the wall. He steps up to LUAKEL and takes the map
from his unresisting hands.
The only BAM ever made outside Knighte and Crowe’s,
wasted on you…
You made this map?!
Of course! I’m ‘Pantsless’, that was my nickname at school!
Isn’t it obvious?
(his gaze directed carefully upwards)
I keep blanking that out of my memory…
DIAMOND shakes his head contemptuously.
Well, it’s of no consequence. You were only ever
bait anyway. Matt uses the secret passage here to enter
AH.com…and when Stannus learns that he might meet
you three, he’ll have to come himself to stop it…
Meet us? He’ll kill us!
Serious Matt has never harmed a living soul, Commer…not yet.
What about the thirteen people on the Titanic? And the dog?
And lots of Otlers too.
They were killed by Stannus, not Matt. He faked his death
and implicated Matt in the murder, just as he had before…
Ignoring him, DIAMOND turns around and looks around the room.
It won’t be long…
As he speaks, the staircase dramatically grinds back, like in that Disney
haunted house, sliding into the wall. Underneath, a hole is revealed, with a
staircase leading downwards, into the bowels of the earth. We hear thudding
footsteps rising up the stairs; LUAKEL shrinks back. DIAMOND grins unpleasantly.
SERIOUS MATT comes into view, wearing a filthy bright orange jumpsuit and with
shaggy, overgrown hair.
(grumbling to himself)
Empty again…even all the kids have gone now!
Bondoc’s probably thrown them in the shark tank
to keep them safe…
(looking around the room)
Wha? What’s – you three!
He dashes forward towards LUAKEL, pulling out a knife.
But MATT’s knife only cuts through LUAKEL’s glittering bonds, freeing him from
the wall. MATT turns and frees OTHNIEL and LEO too – the two of them fall to the
Who tied you up? Where is he?
Behind yo -
Before he can get it out, of course, DIAMOND has risen from the shadows again.
(flicking his Podder)
More glimmering beams of energy lance out, trapping all four of them in a cage
of gleaming light.
You just sit quietly, boys and…boys.
I’m waiting for an important appointment.
No! I will have my revenge!
He goes for his knife, but finds nothing – we see its blade gleaming in the
middle of the floor.
I think not.
DIAMOND picks up the knife and tucks it into his own belt.
In any case, Serious, you are more than welcome
to have your revenge on that accursed turncoat when he turns up…ah…
We hear a distant sound, gradually getting louder. Footsteps…running…and then a
door bursts open on the upper level and we see a tiny airship shoot out, pursued
by a boy on foot.
Come back to me!
The airship – and we can now see the little fish tank underneath with the
goldfish inside – flies off over the banister – THERMO lunges, then topples with
a cry to the floor. He lands on top of the huge glass case and we hear Sound of
Glass Breaking Film Sound Effect 5 (first recorded 1958). He’s briefly
visible as a shadow within, then fades.
Oh no! What if it conceals an anticlimactic
and poorly explained ‘door of death’ inside!
(shaking his head)
You’re on the wrong script again, Luakie Comm!
But DIAMOND is ignoring all this. He only has eyes for the airship.
DIAMOND fires a jet of red light from his Podder which turns into countless
small red Fokker Triplanes. They swarm the airship and, with a ‘POP!’, the
bubble bursts. DIAMOND takes a step forward and neatly grabs the falling tank,
with the thrashing, anxious fish, out of the air.
(to the fish)
Now at last I’ve caught you, you little bastard!
LUAKEL exchanges a glance with OTHNIEL, and they both twirl their fingers at
their ear. But LEO is deadly serious.
Surely you don’t mean…
He’s an Animalthistorian?
You know your stuff in other subjects, at least, Caesius.
Um, for the benefits of those
of us who have lives?
(glaring at him)
An Animalthistorian is an Althistorian
who can transform himself into an animal
of his or her own free will. Some are born
with the gift, some achieve it-
And some have it thrust upon them?
Not really, no.
Oh. Sorry. Carry on.
Sometimes it only works halfway,
and you end up with Furries like Highlander.
But…who would transform themselves into a goldfish?
Not a goldfish. He’s disguised as a goldfish,
but he’s really a sardine painted gold.
Yep, that sounds like one of Thermo’s pets…
DIAMOND aims his Podder at the thrashing fish.
A brief blast of light envelops the fish, tank, and the remnants of the airship
balloon. As we watch, the paint peels off the balloon and gondola, falling to
the ground as dust. And gold-orange flakes peel away from the fish Anglosaxon
itself, leaving it silver beneath.
Luaky! That’s why you turned into a silver fish
when you used the Deusexmachinanol!
But we used hair from Thermo’s bed. Fish don’t have hair…
I shall force him to reassume his true form!
DIAMOND aims his Podder at the fish once more.
This time the beam of light is considerably more powerful. The fish keeps
thrashing as it glows with a brilliant light – and then it seems to explode.
Glass flies everywhere as the fishtank shatters, and DIAMOND takes a step back –
And there, standing before them in a damp tweed fisherman’s outfit, is a small,
paranoid-looking man wearing a tinfoil hat.
Tinfoil, my former friend.
And my former roommate!
(backing away; his voice bubbles)
Now, now, there’s no need to squabble,
I’m sure all of this is just down to a plot
by the CIA and the FBI and Mossad and the
UFOs and the evil shadow government working
with the giant lizards who run Britain…
As DIAMOND closes on TINFOIL, LUAKEL turns to OTHNIEL.
Forgive me if this counts as logic and reason,
but why is he wearing clothes when he becomes
a human again?
Well, it is a kid’s movie.
So blatant displays of appalling racism are okay,
but showing naked men isn’t?
Racist? Us? Don’t be silly.
Remember, I let all those black and Chinese kids
join in when we were holding our annual Otler cull?
LUAKEL looks worried.
It’s all a mistake! It’s all…
DIAMOND lashes him around the neck with an Indiana Jones-style tendril of energy
pouring from his Podder, immobilising him.
Explain, Stannus. Explain how you betrayed us all…
It’s all a plot by the Zionists and the Bilderberg
group to hush up the sightings of crop circles
by Elvis and Lord Lucan in 1984…
DIAMOND slaps TINFOIL roughly across the face; MATT nods approvingly.
(wiggling his fingers ‘mysteriously’)
The truth is out there…
TINFOIL points randomly at the tank where THERMO fell moments before.
DIAMOND whips out his Podder again and aims it at the murky, cracked glass.
The light from his Podder hits the glass and, with a glimmer of flame, it
vanishes. Suddenly we can see inside.
There are rocks, and stubborn shrubs growing up, and even a little spring and
river feed from a fountain. In the middle of it all is a huge Galapogos tortoise
– on top of it is THERMO.
(hugging the tortoise)
Yay! Who cares that Anglosaxon is
a nutter in disguise! I’ve found a much
more awesome pet!
(musing to himself)
Hmm…how about Burgundian Galapogos…?
The tortoise rears up (very slowly) and hurls him off.
I might have known you’d hide him here.
The longest-living animal in the world, he could last
here until all of us are dead.
What is it, another Animalthistorian?
Worse. An Accounthacker.
Once again, with subtitles?
LEO and DIAMOND both glare at him.
You know, an Althistorian who can turn himself
into a pure force of spirit and will, possess other people
or animals – even other Althistorians – and take them over.
Turn them into sockpuppets.
But this is no ordinary Accounthacker…it’s the Servant of Mike Collins!
And another former friend.
DIAMOND wields his Podder once more – the tortoise tries to retreat, but of
course it’s too slow.
The power of Mercator compels you!
The power of Mercator compels you!
The streaks of light from DIAMOND’s Podder turn themselves into maps, striking
the shell of the tortoise.
The tortoise’s head spins around (but very slowly) and THERMO, picking
himself up, gets a faceful of stewed lettuce.
As the power of the maps hits the tortoise, we see something else – a malevolent
red mass of light and energy pours out of its shell, forced out by DIAMOND’s
power, and reforms in the middle of the room as a vague, indistinct ghostly
He won’t be able to hold it – he’s too weak after all this time –
he’ll have to revert to his human form – aha!
His words are proved as the figure drops to the floor with a THUD, turning solid
on the way down. We can see little of the figure aside from the fact that he
looks East Asian. DIAMOND walks up and kicks him as he groans on the floor.
My old friend Thongs…now a servant of Mike Collins.
(shakes head sadly)
All those schooldays count for nothing, after all…
You never did give me an answer to that poll…
What part of ‘pantsless’ don’t you understand, Thongs?
It’s alright, I know many inferior Urdu-speakers like you.
What if the Gilmore Girls played baseball in Star Trek?
DIAMOND slaps THONGS around the face as he did to TINFOIL.
I don’t know, my taste in friends…
(shakes his head)
So, to summarise: Thongsy fell upon hard times
after leaving school, threw in his lot with Mike Collins
and served him as an assassin.
You wouldn’t believe how big his collection
of Gilmore Girls DVDs was…
He was assigned to kill Commer here as an infant.
Why? Because I’m really special?
No, because Collins was going through a King Herod
phase and you were nearest.
Of course, he had to pin the blame on someone else…
Erm, no…Thande had an alibi at that point…
Cut to - SEPIA FLASHBACK – 1983 – OPEN-AIR CONCERT
A younger THANDE, with ridiculous 80s hair, is waving a lit cigarette lighter
from side to side as music from the stage pours over the cheering crowd.
CHRIS DE BURGH
I am hi-i-i-igh on emotion!
Encore! Encore! Lady in Red!
Suddenly THANDE’s brick-sized 1980s mobile phone beeps at him – he casually
throws aside his lighter, where it sets someone else’s big 80s hair on fire, and
What? An attempt on young Commer’s life?
Can’t I wait until he does ‘Making the Perfect Man’?
No, no, alright.
(angrily punches the air)
From this day forth, I’ll hate you, Commer!
FLASHBACK DISSOLVES – cut back to DIAMOND
No, he went back and found his old friend Tinfoil –
weak, easy to intimidate Tinfoil – and together they pinned it on…
(glares at TINFOIL, who shrinks back)
I was his roommate, and he knew I was another
No, no, it was a plot by the Gang of Five
who run the world against the driver of
the white Fiat Uno who killed Princess Diana…
Enough of your crap, Stannus!
I suddenly awoke from sleep that night and found myself
outside a house in my bear-form! I knew I’d been possessed!
Well, we Chinese did invent bears…
But he never succeeded in assassinating me –
Er, yes. What happened?
Didn’t find the right house. Refused to ask for directions.
(folding his arms)
If it’s not in Arizona, it’s not worth finding!
He shrieks as DIAMOND kicks him in the balls.
I knew it had to be Tinfoil who was behind this,
trying to implicate me in a crime, so I tracked him
to the Titanic…
..when he blew up the ship, turned into his fish form to escape,
and pinned it all on you.
Eight years I’ve spent in Azerbaijan! Eight years!
(glaring hungrily at TINFOIL)
And now I can commit the murder I was wrongfully arrested for…
(to LUAKEL, brightly)
See? Prison really helps prevent re-offending!
There’s one thing I don’t understand.
Well two things – the other being why everyone doesn’t
learn Neo-Mandaic – but that can wait for now.
Why did, er, Thongs, hide out here all this time?
I wasn’t hiding, inferior Urdu-speaking westerner!
I was imprisoned! By HIM!
(points at TINFOIL)
Because you’re so thick you’d give us away in five minutes!
For someone who can take on the form of anyone, you’re
the most obviously identifiable in the world!
(folding his arms with dignity)
I don’t know what you mean…
Cut to - EXT. – SEPIA FLASHBACK – ICELAND – 1986
We see RONALD REAGAN and MIKHAIL GORBACHEV discussing nuclear disarmament in the
background, while in the foreground, MIKE COLLINS and ‘THONGS’ are concealed
Now! Go and possess Reagan and start a nuclear war!
(grins crazily to himself)
‘THONGS’ closes his eyes and turns into the red, gassy, ghost-like figure we saw
before. He floats across the room and, when GORBACHEV is looking away, pours
into REAGAN, possessing him.
And now, Mr. President, if we could…
Never mind that! What we need is to increase
our stocks of Gilmore Girls videos! Star Trek!
Baseball! Arizona! Polls polls polls post post post!!!
Unruffled, GORBACHEV glances over REAGAN’s shoulder at GEORGE BUSH the elder.
I think the President needs his tablets again…
Behind the pillar, we see MIKE COLLINS slap his forehead and groan.
Cut back to - DIAMOND
Never mind. The point is, both of you
are going to die for this.
DIAMOND takes out MATT’s knife and cuts open the cage, then hands the knife to
MATT, who takes it. MATT advances on TINFOIL and THONGS with murder in his eyes,
while DIAMOND smiles.
No! Mr Matt! Stop! It’s a trap!
He’s doing just the same as Tinfoil did – he’s going
to implicate you for their murders!
Be quiet, boy!
There’s another thing I was wondering – if you’re
Pantsless and they’re Tinfoil and Thongs, who’s Horny?
Funny you should ask!
Everyone looks upward in surprise as the glass windows in the roof shatter
dramatically and, Batman-style, a figure with a flashing cape leaps down from
there, landing lightly on his feet.
Um, hello, Luaky.
(angrily, to DIAMOND)
Pantsless my old friend, what are you doing?
You’re as bad as them!
(nods at TINFOIL and THONGS)
We have no time for your moralising now, Horny!
We can’t let them get away with what they’ve done…
So they’ll go to a trial and go to Azerbaijan, by the rule of law!
We’re not vigilantes! They have human rights!
Yeah, it’s not as though they’re Otlers…
MATT hesitates, looking at GREY WOLF.
Strike them down! And your journey to the dark side will be complete…
(GREY WOLF glares at him)
Sorry, couldn’t resist.
MATT glances at TINFOIL and THONGS, then drops the sword with a clang.
All right. Damn you…old friend.
You know Horny?
Of course. We used to hang out together, since…
Never mind. Come on, let’s bring them in.
MATT pulls out his Podder and zaps TINFOIL and THONGS with more of the same Pods
DIAMOND used to imprison the three before. They collapse as though encased in
straitjackets made of glowing energy.
Noo! It’s that alien technology that was
hushed up by the military industrial complex
after aliens landed at Sevastopol during the
successful charge of the Light Brigade!
Let’s play a game of Civilization II!"
DIAMOND flicks his Podder with an extra flourish, and the two are suddenly
(narrows his eyes)
So whose side are you really on, Pantsless?
None but your own?
DIAMOND sags under GREY WOLF’s questioning glare.
Look, I really think those two are dangerous to be left alive.
Matt’s already proved it is possible to break out of Azerbaijan.
And everyone already thinks he’s responsible for mass murder,
so it’s no loss if he actually does kill them –
Except to him.
Are you going to help me bring them in – and clear Matt’s name –
or are you going to be dragged in alongside them?
DIAMOND deflates and nods.
Come on then, down the Secret Secret Passage…
Everyone looks around, to see that the passage has caved in.
Um, sorry about that…
I didn’t think you hit the floor that hard, Horny…
Camera descends into caved-in secret passage – to other side – to find that, in
fact, it’s a deliberate wall built by THERMO as he uses his Podder to rip bricks
from the wall and re-cement them in front of him, with a frightened, determined
expression on his face.
Get away! Get away!
No more pets for me!
(ceases work, panting)
I really need a nice holiday
in Carpatho-Rusyn Bechuanaland…
THERMO sags and sits down. As he does so, a large yellow spider hangs down on a
thread by his right ear and he turns to look.
Oh, a Google Spider?
Pan up – THERMO now out of sight – and we see the cobwebs at the top – the word
GOOGLE has been ripped out and replaced with YAHOO!
Quite cute actually – what – argh – NO NOT THE FACE!!!
And there’s a terrific SLURP! sound.
Cut to: EXT. – OUTSIDE THE SHIRKING SHED – NIGHT
LUAKEL turns around in surprise at a distant scream, but shrugs and continues
after the others. MATT and GREY WOLF, respectively, have TINFOIL and THONGS
suspended on the end of jets of light coming out of their Podders, immobilising
them in the air. An abashed-looking DIAMOND follows, with LUAKEL, LEO and
OTHNIEL after him.
This shouldn’t take long – I’ll vouch for you, Serious,
until we can clear your name.
(scratches his head)
Now which way is it back again…?
DIAMOND unrolls the Pornhoarder’s BAM and squints at it.
Blast, not enough light to see…
Don’t worry, here it comes!
He points upward. The clouds part, revealing a full moon behind them.
There’s a loud THUD sound and they spin around – to see THONGS hit the ground,
released from bondage. MATT shouts and fires something from his Podder, but
THONGS has already picked himself up and is running away. Lying beside him, his
own Podder dropped, is GREY WOLF – lying on the floor, pale and spasming.
Oh no, I forgot he was a werewolf!
What? Don’t be stupid, that’s a transparent rumour
we spread. Who would be obvious enough to show
it in his name?
Erm…then what is he?
(looking at GREY WOLF as he thrashes about and changes)
Much worse…a wereunicorn.
As he speaks, GREY WOLF’s growing body tears apart his clothes. He rises onto
two hind legs and whinnies at the moon, then drops down, blowing from his
nostrils. He’s a beautiful pure-white unicorn, his horn gleaming in the
Diamond! After him!
Without him we’ve no proof!
DIAMOND stares at him uncertainly, then grabs his Podder and runs off after
THONGS. MATT glances from LEO to GREY WOLF, who is glaring at them angrily,
scraping the ground and snorting at them.
This always happens! He’s out of control!
(MATT tosses his Podder to LEO)
Quick, keep Tinfoil restrained! I’ve got to calm him down!
LEO gulps but grabs the Podder and, using all his concentration, manages to keep
TINFOIL afloat. OTHNIEL and LUAKEL grab their own Podders and add their power to
the glowing restraints.
MATT rips open his orange jumpsuit and, with a roar, transforms into a giant
bear. As the unicorn that is GREY WOLF charges them, the bear rears up and grabs
the unicorn, wrestling it to the ground. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL dive out of the way
as the two of them roll over the ground, the unicorn thrashing blindly and the
bear holding it down.
We pan across to see EVOLVEDSAURIAN and GBW still concealed in the bushes,
watching the scene.
Well, that was unexpected.
I’m not sure what to do now.
(turns to his left)
What do you think, Highl…oh.
HIGHLANDER is gazing on the bear fighting the unicorn with his mouth hanging
open and drooling, ignoring everything GBW says.
If they keep making a scene, they’ll only attract…them…
Back at LUAKEL – we see MATT, as a bear, finally pin down GREY WOLF. The unicorn
snorts angrily, but weakens beneath MATT’s firm grip, and finally – as the moon
goes behind another cloud – he turns back into a human (fully clothed of
course to keep the PG certificate). He’s unconscious, drained by the
experience. MATT in turn also turns back, zipping up his orange jumpsuit.
He glances aside to see LEO, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL – just – managing to keep
TINFOIL aloft with the power from all their Podders. He manages a grin.
Good lads. Good work…
A shadow passes over his face.
We hear a scream, dopplering as it grows nearer – not a scream of pain but of
triumph. The colour fades from the scene, and we feel a palpable sense of
Oh no, a Nazgûl – alright, alright!
(as OTHNIEL elbows him in the ribs again)
Pull back to reveal countless PHONESPAMMERS circling them overhead and screaming
out in victory. MATT stares upwards, his face pale, and sags to his knees before
GREY WOLF’s unconscious body.
WE HAVE FOUND HIM!!!!111
NOW WE SHALL SELL HIM NOKSIA 2356 WITH IPHONE FOR JUST $59 US DOLLARS!!!!1111
The PHONESPAMMERS roar down over MATT and the others. As one heads for LUAKEL,
he falls away from the trio pouring power into keeping TINFOIL aloft and aims
his Podder at the PHONESPAMMERS.
A wisp of white light, nothing more.
Brighter, now – the bolt of light hits one PHONESPAMMER, MAXELLDON, who screams
and falls out of the sky, the light burning through its shaggy robes and rotting
flesh. The PHONESPAMMER hits the ground with a loud WHUMP!, carving out a
track in the dirt and landing at LUAKEL’s feet.
This time the bolt zaps two PHONESPAMMERS, JONES111 and AUGUSTY, who collide in
midair and drag down a third, TUNAPA – all three collapse in a burning heap like
an instant pyre. The remaining dozens of PHONESPAMMERS continue to circle around
I did it! I finally got to be the hero!
Imagine the merchandising possibilities! I-
As he poses, a PHONESPAMMER – KESAVULU – dives down dramatically from the air
and snatches his Podder from his hands, leaving LUAKEL looking a bit of a tit.
Dammit, foiled again!
He collapses as the PHONESPAMMERS draw nearer. First LEO and then OTHNIEL fall
beside him – as they do, the light sparkling around TINFOIL, keeping him
restrained, fades. TINFOIL drifts lightly down to the ground.
(punching the air in success)
Yes! Free! Now the evil conspiracy of
the secret corporate global shadow council, in league
with the giant sentient corn dogs that control Mars,
can’t stop me telling the world the truth!
KESAVULU flies down and hits him halfway through his last word, knocking him to
the floor. TINFOIL looks up in disbelief as the Phonespammer looms over him…
Oh no…not the Phonespammer’s Kiss!
KESAVULU presses its rotting face over TINFOIL’s screaming mouth and, as the
horrified LUAKEL watches – a brand new iPod emerges from KESAVULU’s mouth and
the Phonespammer spits it into TINFOIL’s – followed by a second, then a third, a
regular torrent of them – and within seconds, TINFOIL’s mouth is full of
advanced but somewhat overpriced Apple technology. Gurgling, he chokes on them,
spasming, and then sags back, his face greying.
Dead! He’s dead!
KESAVULU rears up, more iPods spilling out of its mouth, and it turns towards
LUAKEL faints as the coldness of the PHONESPAMMERS overwhelms him, as do LEO and
Pan across to GBW, HIGHLANDER and EVOLVEDSAURIAN. HIGHLANDER is tugging GBW’s
human arm urgently.
You can’t let him kill any more people
who can turn into animals! That’s inhumane!
No, this is the right time.
Time to be…
(his lip pulls back in a grin, revealing part-metal teeth)
GBW glances at EVOLVEDSAURIAN, who pats a giant machine under a tarpaulin beside
Does it work?
Been fuelling it up since dawn
with Bostonian vitriol!
(in commanding tones)
Then unleash it!
EVOLVEDSAURIAN pulls off the tarpaulin, revealing what looks vaguely like a
Batsignal searchlight projector. GBW pulls back his sleeve on his cyborg arm,
then opens the metal plate there, takes out a long USB cable, and connects it to
the projector. We hear a beep and a red keypad lights up on GBW’s arm – he taps
in a code with his human hand and it lights up with the word ‘ARMED’.
GBW’s point of view – we see the targeting crosshairs as he looks towards the
Phonespammers now massing over MATT, LUAKEL, LEO, OTHNIEL and the unconscious
GREY WOLF. The scrolling data is interrupted by a red button labelled ‘FIRE’.
Looking at GBW, we see him wink –
And the huge ‘searchlight’ lights up with brilliant green light, showing up
starkly in the greyscale of the Phonespammers, revealing a giant cut-out
silhouette of a shamrock in the middle.
(as a battle-cry)
The green light flows over the clearing, striking the Phonespammers, who let out
screams and begin to take off, flying away from MATT and his companions. One or
two are too slow, and fade away to nothing as the beam sharpens and hits them.
As the Phonespammers are defeated, colour and warmth flows back into the scene.
The light is accompanied by the faint sound of Riverdance music coming from the
Have you ever seen an idea so brilliant?
Of course, I had to use dear Kilny’s Thinking Cap
to think it up…your Ludicrous Ireland is a pre-industrial
society in tune with nature and the world in a touchy-feely sort of way…
Until the evil English showed up!
…so it’s the antidote to Internet spam.
A Luddite Machine.
GBW pats the projector, then pulls the plug out, switching it off. He tucks the
cable back into his wrist.
And I saved Commer’s guts into the bargain.
Come on, we’ll take them in…
Bags I carry the animal ones?
As GBW, HIGHLANDER and EVOLVEDSAURIAN drag the unconscious LEO, LUAKEL, OTHNIEL,
GREY WOLF, MATT and the corpse of TINFOIL away, we pan across to the trees – to
see KILNGIRL sitting in the tree looking down on them, munching on an apple. She
flicks the core away and we hear an ‘Ow!’ as she hits something.
So, GBWy not only saved them, but
he used a clever way to do it, too…
and… ‘dear Kilny’…
(she blushes, then nods resolutely)
GBWy it is. I don’t know where Floidy’s even got to…
Cut to - INT. – INADVISABLE COPSE – TREE – NIGHT
FLOID is hanging upside down in a tree, remnants of his exploded inflatable
camel dangling all around him, with an ASB perched on each shoulder.
FLOID’s respective arms change, one tattooed with a cross and the other with a
crescent – they begin arm-wrestling each other and then try to strangle him.
Maybe I should have just let
Commer play truant in the first place…
Fade to black.
LUAKEL opens his eyes…
INT. – AH.COM – INFIRMARY – NIGHT
LUAKEL suddenly sits upright, finding himself in an infirmary bed. He looks
around, sees LEO and OTHNIEL in nearby beds, with voices outside the door.
…the fact is that Stannus Phoilus was clearly not dead,
if he was only just now killed by your damned Phonespammers…
Consider that that is irrelevant.
The other 13 people and the dog that Matt killed
are quite enough to increase his sentence to death…
I don’t like this – there’s too much that doesn’t make sense!
Consider that I am an Amoral Wanker who only
cares about making an Impressive Tabloid Headline.
LUAKEL scrambles out of bed and opens the door to find the two of them arguing.
DOCTOR WHAT is wearing a full Wee Willy Winkie nightgown and nightcap in
painfully clashing colours, while MR_BONDOC is wearing his normal business suit,
but with an identical nightcap.
Professor! Mr Secretary! You can’t have Matt executed –
he hasn’t killed anyone! It was Stannus Phoilus!
Ah, I consider that your feeble young minds have been
warped by that Scoundrel Matt.
No! And his ally has escaped – the one who called himself Thongs!
‘Thongs’? You mean HelloLegend. But he’s been dead for years.
LUAKEL stares at him in horror –
FLASHBACK – DIAMOND’S PROPHECY
He will rise again. As the ancient prophecies foretold,
He that was Divided shall be United once more…when
a Welcome is given to the Myth, and the Binding is undone…
Cut back to LUAKEL
A welcome given to the myth?!
But that means…that means…
Young Luaky is Clearly Not Right in the Head.
Consider that he should be shipped off to a Mental Asylum…
I’m sorry, but if you don’t have any more
proof than that, I can’t save Matt…
Wait – what about Grey Wolf’s testimony? Or Diamond’s?
Trust a known wereunicorn? Consider Not.
And Diamond has not returned…he has probably fled.
(glancing from one to the other desperately)
MR_BONDOC shakes his head and walks away. DOCTOR WHAT shrugs – with a funny
squeaking sound – and follows him.
LUAKEL sags, then turns as OTHNIEL and LEO come up behind him.
I can’t believe it! We’ve got to save him!
Yeah! The way Bondoc treated Grey Wolf,
you’d think he was no better than an Otler!
Look, Leo – this method that you’ve been using
to take fifty-six lessons at once – can we use it now?
Can we time travel back and stop all this?
Time travel? Don’t be silly. That would open up
a huge can of worms, why don’t we just use time travel
to back and solve any problem before it happens, stop
Mike Collins’ rise to power!
Ah yes, I should have thought of that obvious plot hole.
The three of them stare pointedly at the camera for a moment, then return to
No, it’s not time travel, but we can use it…
Doctor What let me have this for this year…
LEO opens his bag and takes out a marvellous piece of chugging steampunk
machinery with a spinning tuning fork at the back.
Wow! What is it?
It’s called a Splittifier. I can use it to split
myself into two Leos – one attends one lesson
and the other attends a second at the same time,
then I can merge myself back together and know
what I learned in both!
Hey, I think that’s what happened to Hermanubis and Imajin…
But what use is that now?
(wagging his finger reproachfully)
Because I split myself outside DMA’s cave, remember!
EXT. – INADVISABLE COPSE – NEAR DMA’S CAVE – NIGHT
We see the figure of HELLOLEGEND running through the trees, DIAMOND pursuing him
and firing off the occasional bolt of light from his Podder.
Come back, you maniac!
You’ll never catch me, inferior westerner!
HELLOLEGEND suddenly stops and scrunches up his eyes like Hiro Nakamura,
concentrating. DIAMOND catches up and lunges to grab him, but HELLOLEGEND
suddenly fades to the red ghost and flows noncorporeally around DIAMOND’s
fingers. The ghost rises into the air and shoots off into the distance. DIAMOND,
impotent, shakes his fist in the air.
I can’t stick around – too many awkward questions –
I’ll have to run away, find a new identity, I –
As DIAMOND starts to run, someone sticks out a foot and trips him over.
Argh! Who the hell are y-
How did you get here so fast?!
LEO CAESIUS steps out from the shadows, smiling.
Going somewhere, Professor?
LEO opens his hand to reveal he’s holding DIAMOND’s Podder, having grabbed it in
I think you need to come back and give a little testimony.
Pan across to the entrance to DMA’S CAVE, where MICHAEL is backing away from the
VAMPING WILLOW. Behind him are the unconscious but now stirring forms of PSYCHO
and DMA. As we watch, MICHAEL steps back, trips and falls back into the
wheelchair he came in. The Giant Alyson Hannigan looms over him…
Well, I have to admit, this was quite unexpected.
With an abrupt squeal, there’s a flash of pink in the sky, and then both MICHAEL
and wheelchair are gone, leaving the confused VAMPING WILLOW staring around. As
we watch, the SUCCESSFUL SEALION then pushes through WILLOW’s legs and lollops
over to DMA, licking his face persistently.
Urk…not this time of night, Sheila…
(his eyes open)
Oh, it’s you, Sealy.
The SEALION applauds him.
Yeah yeah, I’ll get yer some fish in a mo.
My head feels like a frog in a sock!
DMA drags himself upright, then notices as he does that PSYCHO is waking up,
rubbing his head.
Argh! What happ…
(stares at DMA)
You! You killed Alyson!
Don’t come a gutser, you big galah!
Why would I hurt my precious rare Vamping Willow?
As we watch, he leans out of the cave and reaches up to pat the WILLOW on the
back of the leg; she cooes appreciatively at him.
It’s Michael who did that!
Why that, that…Australian!
White man speak with forked tongue!
Deadset, cobber. But never mind.
Aly needs a good rub down. Want to help?
The camera zooms up and pans over the Inadvisable Copse, until even the VAMPING
WILLOW seems tiny – we see DIAMOND being marched back to the castle by LEO, and
FLOID stuck in his tree fighting off the ASBs – then up, up into the air…
Amid all the screaming and fleeing, burning Phonespammers, there’s a pink
FOCUS – and it’s STREAKY the flying pig from before, squealing as he flies
through the air. And held underneath in his trotters is MICHAEL’s wheelchair,
with MICHAEL still in it.
(barely audible through rushing wind)
This, on the other hand, was very unexpected.
MICHAEL looks up at the pig, who snorts at him. STREAKY continues to fly,
carrying them over the AH.com Castle – the towers rise up all around them.
Let me down will you? We can do a deal.
I’ll buy you a delicatessen in stainless steel, or…
MICHAEL leans out as STREAKY passes one of the dying PHONESPAMMERS as it falls
through the sky. He reaches out and snatches an iPod from the Phonespammer’s
mouth, then proffers it to STREAKY.
How about a free iPod? Real Apple technology,
straight from the factory source? Apple source?
The pig screams indignantly and drops the wheelchair.
TIGHT ON – MICHAEL as he falls through the air towards the roof of AH.com, still
in his wheelchair.
Cut to - INT. – FUDGEPACKER COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The Fudgepackers are still having their orgy, all except NEK who is at the
window, talking on the mobile phone to someone. As he speaks, MICHAEL hurtles
past the window.
I heard that…
Cut back to MICHAEL
MICHAEL plunges through the mouth of a giant chimney that’s gently giving off
INT. – THANDE’S OFFICE – NIGHT
THANDE, wearing his lab coat, is poring over a complex arrangement of bubbling
tubes and flasks. As we watch, he takes out a piece of paper already covered
with dense calculations and notes, then – watching as a tube changes colour –
scribbles a new equation with it triumphantly in pencil.
Done! With this process, it will be simple
to leach all the carbon dioxide we want from
the air! No more ‘glawwbul waaarming’!
As THANDE raises the paper in the air in triumph, we hear a metallic bump-crash-clangity-BUMP-CRASH!
sound, gradually growing louder, and terminating as MICHAEL in his wheelchair
comes crashing down through the chimney and into the fireplace. Black smoke
spills out into the room, accompanied by bits of red hot coal and sparks – one
of them hits THANDE’s paper and burns it up. THANDE looks up at it with a mildly
Blast it, the Aussies have derailed yet
another attempt at progress on the climate
Don’t blame me, I voted for the other guy!
Cut to –
EXT. – AH.COM – NIGHT
STREAKY the pig, freed of his burden, zooms away, then pauses and flies back to
a window. SERIOUS MATT is leaning out of the window, holding a picture of a
Come on, boy!
STREAKY hovers closer and MATT hurls himself out of the window, onto his back.
He crumples up the photograph and gives it to STREAKY, who eats it with every
sign of enjoyment. MATT grips the pig’s back and aims it towards the infirmary
INT. – AH.COM – INFIRMARY – NIGHT
Two LEOs stand beside each other, with DIAMOND in between under their watchful
Podders. OTHNIEL keeps looking from one LEO to the other unbelievingly. DOCTOR
WHAT takes notes.
…and HelloLegend escaped?
A problem…but with your testimony,
we might be able to persuade Bondoc to
As he speaks, STREAKY goes rocketing past the window, MATT on his back.
Thanks for arranging the escape, lads!
I’m sure I’ll have a long and fruitful life outside
prison, at least if I’m not killed in an anticlimactic
and pointless incident two films later!
DOCTOR WHAT glares at LUAKEL.
Of course not, it’s just-
Yes. Yes we did. Deliberately.
In a cleverly cunning plan.
Good. For a moment there I thought we’d
actually have to go within proper procedures.
Now I can give you fifty million points to outweigh
what GBW got from rescuing you, and so Pornwatcher
wins the cup again as always!
LEO – both LEOs - looks appalled, while LUAKEL winks at the camera.
After a while, you learn how this place works.
Fade to black.
EXT. – AH.COM – DAY
The next day. Everything seems new, refreshed. As we pan down on the castle, we
see MICHAEL – still in effective blackface from the soot from THANDE’s fireplace
– running away from an axe-wielding PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and hiding behind
FLOCCULENCIO’s giant Race Card.
We also see THERMO, looking a bit rattled, with obvious bite marks on his right
cheek. He sits down heavily at a table beside OTHNIEL, LUAKEL and LEO.
I’m back from the infirmary.
Turns out I was bitten by a radioactive
Yahoo! Slurp Spider. I suppose now I’ll
develop superpowers and have to roam
the streets of New York fighting crime,
while struggling with teenage angst.
I wouldn’t mind, but it’s so obviously
derivative of Tintin…
So, um, did you ever suspect your fish
was a disguised mass murderer?
Well, there was this one time when
I put another fish in there to keep him
company, and he mailed it to me one
scale at a time…
I can’t get over this prophecy of Diamond’s.
I can’t get over the fact that Doctor What let him keep teaching!
And he took away my Splittifier!
(looks tired and weak)
Seem perfectly reasonable decisions to me. I mean, you
only ever used it for more homework, it was clearly in
the wrong hands.
He glances up and smiles as another OTHNIEL sits down beside him, handing him a
There you go – Pranky’s Prom King crown,
and I – we’ve got a perfect alibi!
Thanks, me! Herman and Imajin will be
green with envy…
OTHNIEL 1 shakes OTHNIEL 2’s hand, and they both merge and blend back into one
taller, stronger OTHNIEL. LEO shakes his head in despair.
But LUAKEL is still troubled.
But if HelloLegend really was the servant of
Mike Collins, and he got away…
(pats him on the back)
Don’t worry. Nothing will happen until the next film.
LUAKEL manages a weak smile, but looks off into the distance…
We pass through the window and into the AH.com grounds, near the Inadvisable
Copse. In the distance, PSYCHO and DMA are still rubbing down the VAMPING
WILLOW, with the SEALION sitting on a rock nearby and grabbing the fish that DMA
With an ‘Aaargh!’ and a THUMP!, FLOID falls out of a tree and picks
himself up. His clothes were damaged by the ASBs, now being a mosaic mismatch of
different styles and military uniforms throughout history.
Still, at least I’m free now.
I wonder what happened to Kiln…
He falls silent. Before him, but not turned his way, we see GBW and KILNGIRL
walking through the fields arm in arm – behind them, EVOLVEDSAURIAN and
HIGHLANDER are carrying a huge picnic basket.
What an achievement, GBWy!
Even if Doctor What wouldn’t let Miseryguts win…
His time will come.
There will be a time when Logic and Reason shall
determine who wins the cup…
But for now, I don’t care. It only matters that I have you.
Aw, you say the sweetest things!
As they walk away, FLOID goes purple in the face, rips off his multi-coloured
cap and jumps up and down on it angrily.
Right, that’s it – I’m going back to Sudanasesia!
He storms off.
The camera keeps panning over more fields and more, away from AH.com, past
Iansburg, to the borders of the grounds…
And we see the red ghost float down from the ground, reforming into the human
form of HELLOLEGEND. He immediately falls to his knees, gasping.
I thought you’d turn up.
HELLOLEGEND looks up unbelievingly. Standing before him, smirking, is STRAHA.
You! David Straha! The Stoned Philosopher!
A red light gleams in STRAHA’s eyes and an aura, vaguely like demonic wings made
of blood-red energy, flicker around his shoulders.
But no more.
HELLOLEGEND gulps and bows the knee.
My lord! But how…
An echo of my soul was concealed in a doobie,
what we call a Whorehouse. Commer, the little
bastard, destroyed the Whorehouse, but by that
time I had taken over this body. At first my control
was weak and temporary, but I have been building my
strength all year, even when that fool Doctor What thought
he was keeping Straha safe from me. Now I have total control…mostly…
(he twitches and the red light fades)
Nuclear wars kill everyone and legalise marijuana!
(with an effort, the red light turns on again)
To use the powers of this Stoned Philosopher, I
must make myself whole again!
I exist to serve, my lord, but how?
There’s still a Mike Collins out there, but weak,
damaged. We must find him, and I shall be united
And there shall be a new Empire of the Fallen, and…
Ooh, ooh! And a new season of Gilmore Girls!
Yes, yes, that too.