|
INT. – SICKBAY – DAY
The AH.com sickbay is almost deserted, except for one figure in a bed in
the corner. The doctor, TORQUMADA, scowls at the group as they come in.
TORQUMADA
Yes??
LUAKEL
Few lost limbs here…
TORQUMADA
(tuts)
The scratches I get called out for these days…
(pulls out a Podder, waves it)
Stickius limbsius backius onnus!
Sparks fly and MICHAEL, PSYCHO and THERMO’s lost bits join back into
place. But at the same time:
FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
Gahh (coughs) urkh…
OTHNIEL pulls back the curtain on the bed to reveal it’s MrP.
OTHNIEL
Sir! Are you all right?
TORQUMADA
(scowling)
He strained his Gahh-ing muscles.
Strictly no Gahh-ing for a week.
MrP
(weakly)
But, I say, it’s far from easy.
(shakes his head)
Now, I must just relax, sit here,
and read Englishman: The Shameless Film Tie-In Novel.
MrP settles down and starts to read his book. The others glance at each
other uncertainly.
TORQUMADA
(pleasantly)
Now, is there anything else?
(evil look)
Because I need some guinea pigs to test
a certain new serum on…
A split second later, there’s nothing but a slowly settling cloud of
dust.
TORQUMADA
Spoilsports.
(waves Podder)
Cleanius uppius dustus!
MrP
GAHHHH!!!
URGKHH!
HELP!!!
TORQUMADA sighs.
INT. – STAIRWAY – DAY
The group are on their way back up to the dormitory.
THERMOPYLAE
So, are any of you going to try out
for the News-Posting team?
LUAKEL
(confused)
News-Posting?
OTHNIEL
(laughing)
It’s the new top sport in the
Althistorical world, Luaky!
LUAKEL
I thought that was Godmoding…
MICHAEL
Pfft, so last year.
(pulls out a poster and unrolls it)
I for one am supporting the
Regional Sports Team in their
Important Contest with their
Evil Regional Rivals.
PSYCHO
HEY!! I support the Evil Regional Rivals!
MICHAEL
(angrily)
Why, you…
I might have known, you redhead-loving freak!
MICHAEL and PSYCHO begin fighting each other, sparks from their Podders
going everywhere, and occasionally changing each others’ clothes into
different period costumes. The others look on.
OTHNIEL
Popcorn?
LUAKEL
No thanks, it gives me wind.
THERMO
Anyway, as I was saying,
News-Posting has been popular for
years in France. Why, the number of games
I’ve seen at Le Stade de la Royaume in Birmingham…
(smiles happily in reminiscence)
And now it’s come over the seas.
OTHNIEL
What do you think, Luaky?
LUAKEL
Maybe. Do you think any of us
have a chance?
OTHNIEL
You’d better go and see Mikey.
LUAKEL
All right, I will.
What about you, Leo?
LEO
(eyes shining)
News-Posting…
Why the Mandaeans invented that!
Of course I’ll come!
EXT. – AH.COM STADIUM – DAY
The next day. The stadium looks as it did last year, but now things are
different. In the centre of the stadium there is a single, massive
cylindrical tower, the Post.
LUAKEL, OTHNIEL and LEO step into the stadium. Standing on the ground are
ARCHANGEL MICHAEL, HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN, all wearing bright red shirts
and shorts with the White Sheep of Pornwatcher on the front.
LUAKEL
Hello!
ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Luaky! Great to see you!
(shakes his hand)
You heard then? Professor IronYuppie
says that everyone from the God Moding
team from last year will get to try-out for
the new News Posting Team!
LUAKEL
Great!
(pause)
But how do you play it?
ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
(smiling)
Don’t worry, it’s very simple.
Watch.
He nods to HERMANUBIS, who opens a box labelled "News" and
immediately leaps away from the open lid. A massive explosion of small
flying spheres pours from the box, filling the entire stadium as it
fountains upwards. The bubble-like spheres glow with random images of text
and moving video, and odd half-sounds of people speaking emanate from
them. One comes to a gentle halt near LUAKEL. Wonderingly, he takes it,
and as he squeezes it, it comes into focus.
NEWSBALL
There are now reports that a man
from Michigan, USA, has just
successfully completed his quest
to date one of every kind
of fence in the known universe…
LUAKEL drops the ball, looking a bit disgusted. In the background, we can
see HERMANUBIS with an aw-shucks expression on his face.
LUAKEL
But what do we do with them?
IMAJIN
(pointing)
Throw the News at the Post and you’ll score points,
different amounts for how weird and interesting
the story is.
HERMANUBIS
Yeah, but if you post the same story as the other team already has,
then you have to take a points penalty and go into the Sin-Bin,
where the spectators will Point and Laugh for ten minutes.
ARCHANGEL
At the end of the game, that’s an hour and a half,
the team with the most points wins.
LUAKEL
(brightly)
Well, that seems simple enough!
So what do we do, fly around on broomsticks
or something?
Everyone laughs at LUAKEL’s naïveté.
ARCHANGEL
What do you think this is, the Dark Ages?
(holds out something)
We all use flying vacuum cleaners!
OTHNIEL
Ooh, that’s a Dyson 5000, very advanced.
LUAKEL gingerly swings one leg over the vacuum cleaner, then takes off and
goes on a short out-of-control flying trip around the stadium while
screaming, which will be lengthened into an absurdly long effects sequence
for the film adaptation for no obvious reason, which will necessitate the
cutting of several scenes with important dialogue, so the plot of the film
as a whole makes no sense.
Then LUAKEL comes in to a crash land.
LEO
Luaky! Are you all right?
LUAKEL
(groggily)
I think my…body’s broken…
ARCHANGEL
(smiling)
He’s a natural!
Everyone laughs. Then HERMANUBIS catches sight of something out of the
corner of his eye and turns, then scowls.
HERMANUBIS
Uh-oh. Miseryguts alert.
And indeed the Miseryguts team, wearing green robes with a Gold Sealion on
them, are approaching. They are all carrying advanced, slick-looking
vacuum cleaners and are led by captain JOLO.
JOLO
(whispering to the others)
Now remember, we want the news stories
about algae farms, they’re the only interesting ones.
MISERYGUTSES
(resigned)
Yes captain.
JOLO
(spotting the Pornwatchers)
Hey!! What are you doing here?
ARCHANGEL
(angrily)
I booked the pitch for this time!
JOLO
(sarcastically, theatrically)
This time?
Oh, have you been ISOTed into the past then?
(looks around dramatically)
Er – I don’t think so! Do I see algae farms?!
ARCHANGEL
(shaking his head)
Now look-
IMAJIN
Where’d you get those new Hoovers, anyway?
JOLO
(smirks)
A gift from our newest player and his rich
family of government employees…
JOLO stands aside and the newest player comes forward. It’s CYBORG GBW.
LUAKEL
You…
GBW
Oh yes, enemy of logic and reason.
When it comes to the game, I shall
humiliate you that way.
LUAKEL
Oh, yeah?
OTHNIEL and LEO hastily come between the two teams.
OTHNIEL
(facing Pornwatchers)
Now, steady – we don’t want any trouble –
LEO
(facing Miserygutses)
Yes, as the Mandaeans say, we must-
GBW
(spitting)
Shut up, you filthy little OTL-blooder!
LEO looks shocked. OTHNIEL spins around, angrily, pulls out his glued
together Podder, and aims it at GBW.
OTHNIEL
You’ll pay for that!
(shudders)
Fancy saying he’s got OTL blood,
I mean, how insulting is that,
considering how pathetic the Otlers are?
I’m glad we’re the good guys!
(pulls himself together)
Obliteratifius!
A bolt of light starts to come from the Podder, but then the Podder
explodes and it hits OTHNIEL instead. He collapses, screaming, his face
green with sickness. GBW and the Miserygutses laugh coarsely. LEO and
LUAKEL look shocked.
LUAKEL
Are you all right?!
OTHNIEL
(heaving)
I…
OTHNIEL’s mouth flies open and a swarm of bees flies out.
LEO
Oh no…
Not the Coolnes Spoll!
LUAKEL
Sickbay again?
LEO
Sickbay again.
LEO and LUAKEL take OTHNIEL, still coughing up bees, away on a stretcher.
JOLO smirks at ARCHANGEL, who shakes his fist.
ARCHANGEL
You haven’t heard the last of this!
JOLO pulls out a slab of stone with some lichen on it from the inside of
his jacket, then waves it at ARCHANGEL while looking away.
JOLO
Talk to the algae, ’cause the face ain’t listening!
ARCHANGEL fumes, then he, HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN follow their fellow
Pornwatchers away. The Miserygutses laugh and get down to practicing.
INT. – OUTSIDE DMA’S CAVE – DAY
LUAKEL and LEO are taking OTHNIEL past on a stretcher when DMA comes out.
He looks surprised.
DMA
Tie me kangaroo down, Luaky, but
what’s happen to young Canada there?
LUAKEL
A spoll went wrong…
OTHNIEL coughs up some more bees.
DMA
(shocked)
He has bees in his mouth and when he talks,
he shoots bees! That’s bad. That’s very cool.
Mr. Floid was telling me about that.
LEO
Do you know the cure?
DMA
Yes. Take one Keira Knightley…
LUAKEL
Right. And a cure we actually
have some chance of getting hold of?
DMA
Two little boys, Luaky, all you
had to do was say.
DMA goes into his cave and comes out with a Stylophone.
DMA
Take one of these twice a day
and you’ll be right as rain in no time.
OTHNIEL swallows the Stylophone and nods, looking a little better.
OTHNIEL
Ugh. I must get a new Podder.
(spits out a few more bees)
LUAKEL
Now GBW’s insulting your heritage, Leo.
LEO
My word. He truly is A Bad Guy.
Everyone glances at the camera, and shrugs.
INT. – AH.COM CASTLE – ENTRANCE HALL – DAY
LUAKEL, LEO and a much recovered OTHNIEL are coming back into the castle,
when their path is suddenly blocked by a ghostly figure. He’s got a
beard, and has a powerful musket at his side. His ghostly form shows
grievous wounds, though it doesn’t seem to slow him down, and the gun’s
muzzle has been blasted open, so that tonges of curved steel have peeled
away from it.
FIGURE
(archaically accented voice)
Halt! Who goes there!
Are you from the
(spits)
Federal Government?!!
LEO
Who’s this?
FIGURE
(with dignity)
Sir, I present to you the honourable Captain Lee Miracle
of the Continental Militia of Northern Ohio Territory…
OTHNIEL
Hey! I know you!
You’re Nearly Weaponless M!
WEAPON M
(scowls)
I really hate that nickname…
LUAKEL
You know who he is?
LEO
I’ve read about it in AH.com’s Wikipedia entry.
Before it was vandalised by someone who said
all AH.com’s achievements were down to Poland, anyway.
(shrugs)
He’s a soldier from the American Revolutionary War.
Fought bravely but died on the day before the Treaty
of Paris, because his gun exploded while he was cleaning it.
LUAKEL
Wow!
So I imagine you’ve gone off guns now?
WEAPON M
(draws back in shock)
Hell no! What do you think I am…uh…dead?!
LUAKEL
Well…
WEAPON M
You know what I mean.
(to OTHNIEL)
Hey, all you guys, I’m hosting a
Ghostly Militia Meeting at Hallowe’en.
Want to come?
LEO
(enthusiastically)
Are any Mandaean ghosts coming?
WEAPON M
(winking)
Maybe.
LEO
Absolutely!
OTHNIEL
(wildly angrily)
How about someone from medieval France
to finally write a decent damn textbook on the period?
WEAPON M
Sure!
OTHNIEL
Right on!
LUAKEL
Erm…I’m not sure about this…
it offends my gun control beliefs…
Everyone looks hard at him.
LUAKEL
Oww! Peer pressure!
Okay, I’ll come!
Everyone grins.
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
LEO, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL, all wrapped up warm in cardigans and those
mittens on elastic, are strolling along the corridor.
LUAKEL
(grumbling)
So this means we have to miss the big
Hallowe’en feat. And I heard they were
having the new Unnecessarily Commercialised
American Pumpkin Festival this year as well...
I wanted to see that…
OTHNIEL
(with dignity)
Luaky, these things only trivialise the forces
of Darkness and allow the Evil One to enter
your heart. They must be avoided at all costs.
(brightens up)
Let’s go and shoot people instead!
LUAKEL sighs.
EXT. – AH.COM – COURTYARD – NIGHT
To one side we can see the great hall, which is lit from within, and we
can hear the sounds of the feast and party within. LUAKEL gives it a
resentful look as the three emerge out of a small doorway into the
courtyard.
Set up in the middle of the courtyard are a series of targets, along with
several tables with food and drink, and about a dozen people – all of
the stuff and people is made up of translucent ghostly ectoplasm.
Nearly Weaponless M walks up to greet them.
WEAPON M
Greetings, you three.
(points)
Come and meet the gang.
They follow him into the group.
WEAPON M
That over there is Iokua, the ghost
of a house-troll…
IOKUA looks like a ghostly version of RADICAL_NEUTURAL. He attempts to
give them the finger, but actually ends up holding up three fingers, then
stares at his hand stupidly.
WEAPON M
(continuing)
And there, behind my old mate
Shorty ‘No-Head’ McCullough, is…
LEO
(stops suddenly)
Oh no – that’s Moaning Max!
He hangs out in the girl’s toilets
and goes on about German politics!
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL both give him a curious look.
LUAKEL
Leo, why were you in the girls toil-
LEO
(testily)
Look, there were some interesting
inscriptions on one of the cubicle walls
which at first glance looked like Mandaic
script but then ended up to be an upside-down,
badly spelled, ‘Baz 4 Syndi Shagging 4eva’, okay?!
MAX SINISTER floats up, holding a placard reading "Unten mit kühlem
Material" in heavy gothic script.
MAX SINISTER
(spotting LEO)
Oh, it’s you, Caesius.
(sulkily)
You never come to all those
meetings of the Socialistenlinkensarbeitspartei
that I invited you to…
LEO
I came to one!
The Mandaeans weren’t mentioned once!
MAX SINISTER
Bah! You and your religious sects!
Religion is irrelevant, that’s why
I can’t open my mouth without mentioning it!
MAX SINISTER retreats to sulk some more.
WEAPON M
Uh – never mind.
(smoothly)
Look, why don’t you come and practice your
marksmanship for a little while?
(winks)
My Ghostly Militia Babes will be here in a few minutes
and I’ll need your help to hold the camera for
the calendar photoshoots…
LUAKEL
Hmm…
(pause)
Wait, won’t these be kind of green zombie
ghostly type Militia Babes with stuff falling off them?
OTHNIEL
(troubled look)
I just felt a disturbance in the Board, like
millions of voices crying out
"I find that strangely arousing."
LUAKEL
Err – yes.
WEAPON M
(briskly)
Good, that’s settled!
WEAPON M hands all of them a (ghostly) rifle. LEO and OTHNIEL
practice aiming down their barrels. LUAKEL holds his between thumb and
forefinger at arm’s length as though it’s poisonous.
WEAPON M
(gesturing to the targets)
Go ahead!
OTHNIEL fires, hits one of the supports for the target, which splinters to
pieces. That target thus tips over to one side and comes crashing down,
incidentally falling on the one next to it…and so on, until all the
targets have fallen to the floor in a domino effect.
Simultaneously, LEO fires and a bullet passes through WEAPON M’s hat. He
ducks.
WEAPON M
Heyyy!!!
That was my lucky hat! That was the hat
I was wearing when I was fortunate enough
to enjoy simultaneous romantic congress
with two young ladies of a certain reputation!
(winks)
What about you, kid?
LUAKEL, of course, is refusing to fire.
LUAKEL
No. I am opposed to guns with every fibre of my being.
WEAPON M
(rubbing his hands)
Oho! A heathen!
Conversion time!
LEO and OTHNIEL edge away, leaving LUAKEL and WEAPON M arguing about guns,
while throwing the rifle between each other as each makes a point.
OTHNIEL
You ever think the world would be
a better place without politics?
LEO
(thinks about it)
No.
OTHNIEL
(sighs)
Didn’t think so.
Suddenly they run into another ghost, who is wearing a somewhat battered
nineteenth century officer’s uniform.
OTHNIEL
Hey! Are you from the nineteenth century?
MAN
Of course not, young subjects!
(laughing)
I am King Fernidad of North and South Prussia, you knowen,
as we say in Germanistaniland!
In the background, we see MAX SINISTER overhear this. He shakes his head
and walks on.
OTHNIEL
Err… ‘Fernidad’?
FERNIDAD OF PRUSSIA hits him with a riding crop which, of course, being
ghostly, does no damage.
FERNIDAD OF PRUSSIA
That’s ‘His High Majesticness’ to you!
LEO
Err…do you have any connection
with the Mandaeans?
FERNIDAD OF PRUSSIA
Do they live in Brazil or New England?
LEO
No.
FERNIDAD OF PRUSSIA
Then they’re not in Prussia, are they?!
In the background, we see MAX SINISTER slamming his head against a wall in
despair, although as he’s a ghost, his head is actually passing THROUGH
the wall.
LEO
In that case, I have nothing to say to you.
FERNIDAD OF PRUSSIA
Hmmph! Insolence! I will have you executed!
(waves vaguely in his direction)
There. You are now dead.
OTHNIEL
Jeez, this guy makes Borat look sane…
FERNIDAD OF PRUSSIA
I am the rightful nutty King of Prussia
and nothing can defeat me but-
VOICE
Being upstaged?
Their heads turn, and we see a new figure wearing imperial robes, just
from the back.
FERNIDAD OF PRUSSIA
(scowling)
Emperor Norton?!
OTHNIEL
No! Emperor Josiah Norton of California?
LEO
(gulps)
Worse. Emperor Graham Norton of Ireland.
The camera angle changes and we see it is indeed so.
EMPEROR NORTON
Well helll-o all my lovely showbiz pals!
(throws an arm around FERNIDAD’s shoulder)
Hey-hey, what an amateur. Ooohhh. Want to look
at some pictures of young men shoving frozen orang-utan
livers up their noses on the Internet?
FERNIDAD OF PRUSSIA
(with dignity)
I am the King of Prussia-
EMPEROR NORTON
(giggles, then as though to the camera)
Ooh, I don’t know about you, but I can
always use a nice spot of Prussian Blue
to touch me up in the morning!
Disgusted, FERNIDAD turns and leaves, muttering to himself about bus
shelters.
EMPEROR NORTON
(addressing the whole courtyard)
Right, right. Now, everyone stand up!
(everyone stands up)
And now – stay standing – stay standing –
if you’ve ever had a threesome…
WEAPON M, who’s still arguing with LUAKEL, stays standing, while
everyone else sits down.
EMPEROR NORTON
And now stay standing – stay standing –
if it didn’t involve women…
WEAPON M sits down and immediately begins arguing with LUAKEL again.
EMPEROR NORTON
(grinning)
I suppose it’s just me then!
(looking fondly at the others)
Though that could change by midnight…
LEO and OTHNIEL have gone white. LUAKEL is shaking with anger. Grabbing
the gun, he hurls it at WEAPON M.
LUAKEL
I…DON’T…WANT…YOUR…BLOODY…GUN!
As WEAPON M catches the gun, he accidentally tugs on the trigger and the
gun discharges, blowing his head off.
LUAKEL
Oh my God-
WEAPON M
(indistinctly)
Not again…
All the parts of WEAPON M’s head slowly begin to reassemble.
LUAKEL
So have you been put off guns yet?
WEAPON M
Over my dead body!
LUAKEL
Your point being?
WEAPON M
I hate figures of speech.
Suddenly we see spotlights shining across the whole courtyard. Helicopters
are hovering overhead, with black-clad commandos rappelling down the side
on rope ladders.
LOUDSPEAKER VOICE
This is the Bureau for the Control of Firearms,
Threesomes and Homosexual Innuendo!
WEAPON M
Dammit! We’ve been busted!
LOUDSPEAKER
You will hand over your weapons…
WEAPON M
(shouting back)
Sure! Here’s an RPG!
WEAPON M grabs a rocket propelled grenade launcher off the floor, aims it
at the helicopter, fires and blows it up. It crashes to the ground, rotors
still whipping around, and explodes with a terrific petrol flame. LUAKEL
looks horrified.
WEAPON M
Scatter! Everyone! Scatter!
You boys, get out of here!
LEO, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL don’t think twice – they’re already halfway
to the door into the corridor. As they disappear, we get another view of
WEAPON M blazing away with an automatic pistol at the nearest BFHI troops,
laughing madly as he does, the whole scene apocalyptically backlit by the
flames from the crashed helicopter.
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDOR
The three friends are running along the corridor, occasionally glancing
behind them.
LUAKEL
Come on!
OTHNIEL
(panting)
Why couldn’t he have invited Kit and Fell?
LEO
And then I could have been making that
Mandaean-rite pumpkin lantern I’d wanted to…
(sighs wistfully)
LUAKEL
I think we’ve lost them.
The corridor has narrowed and they’re in an unfamiliar part of AH.com.
LEO
Come on – we’d better find our way back to the great hall.
LUAKEL
Yeah, you’re right – I think it’s this way – I –
Tight focus on LUAKEL as we hear, in the distance, a strange sound, a
medley of German-accented voices…
MEDLEY
…a surprise crossing on a broad front extending approximately from
Ramsgate to the region of the Isle of Wight, with Luftwaffe elements
assuming the role of artillery, and naval units assuming the role of
engineers. Each individual branch of the Wehrmacht will examine from its
own viewpoint whether…
LUAKEL
WTF?!!
LEO
What is it?
LUAKEL
I’m…hearing…voices…
OTHNIEL
(relaxes)
Oh, that’s just AH.com, Luaky,
everyone gets that way after a while-
LUAKEL
No! This is different!
MEDLEY
…The English air force must be so far neutralized, both actually and
in morale, that it will offer no appreciable resistance to the German
crossing…
LUAKEL
(shaking his head)
It’s coming from over here!
He pelts off down the corridor, occasionally pausing to listen. OTHNIEL
and LEO exchange glances.
LEO
Can you hear anything?
OTHNIEL
Yes.
LEO
(surprised)
You can?
OTHNIEL
Yes. I can hear you asking me
if I can hear anything.
LEO sighs, and the two of them run after LUAKEL.
EXT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE GREAT HALL
LUAKEL is still running. We focus on him and hear, again…
MEDLEY
…Under my command and in accordance with my general directives the
commanders in chief of the three branches of the Wehrmacht will direct the
operations of their forces employed in the operation...
LUAKEL
What’s happening??
The voices rise to a frenzy.
MEDLEY
…The commander in chief of the Army will thus have to establish an
army group headquarters to conduct the operations of the landing armies…
LUAKEL
(looking around wildly, still running)
Oh my God…
MEDLEY
…THE OPERATION WILL BE GIVEN THE DESIGNATION…
LUAKEL suddenly slams into a wall at a corner, knocking himself out,
cutting off the voices. We see LEO and OTHNIEL running up behind him.
LEO
Are you all right?
LUAKEL
(woozily)
What’s…?
The two of them help him up, and take him around the corner, where they
find…
OTHNIEL
(gasping)
Brigham Young in Hell!
Look at that!!
Lying against the wall, motionless, in a pool of vodka, is DOCTOR WHAT’s
cat MYNX. She is on her back, her paws sticking up, and her eyes have
glazed over.
LEO
My God…
Mynx almost killed GBW…
What could possibly have taken her out?
LUAKEL
Uh, guys?
He points at the wall. The vodka continues upwards, spelling out in
glistening letters:
ph34r m3 4-h0135 t3h ch4mb3r5 b33n 0p3n3d!
LOLZ!!1!!!!1!! ]
LEO
By the Mandaeans! Leetspeak!
This is bad. Very bad.
Suddenly the doors to the great hall open, and the staff and students –
all a bit tipsy from the Hallowe’en party – come spilling out.
GBW
(drunkenly, to HIGHLANDER)
And then I said, "If logic doesn’t
apply here, then I’m the forty-third
president of the United States", and-
(notices the scene, smiles cruelly)
The Chamber of Sikh Ritz has been opened!
You’ll be next, Otler-bloods!
THANDE
(also noticing)
Commer.
(smirks)
Not even you shall get out of this one.
LUAKEL gulps.
DOCTOR WHAT comes out of the great hall, halfway through a conversation
with IRONYUPPIE.
DOCTOR WHAT
…but he said they were the last pair of
reinforced lederhosen in all Saxony!
I mean, what’s a guy to do, huh?
IRONYUPPIE
Hmm. Have you tried using the skin
of all those expelled pupils to reinforce
some normal lederhosen?
DOCTOR WHAT
Worth a tr – hey!!
DOCTOR WHAT comes to a halt at the head of the tide of people pouring out
of the great hall, and then pausing in shock to look at the scene.
DOCTOR WHAT
MYNX!!
DOCTOR WHAT runs across the space that has opened around MYNX and LUAKEL,
LEO and OTHNIEL. He bends down, choking back tears, and examines his
unmoving cat.
DOCTOR WHAT
Mynx…is…dead…
(sudden hot rage)
You killed Mynx, you bastards!
DOCTOR WHAT jumps up and fires his Podder in the direction of the Trio.
OTHNIEL dodges to the right, LEO dodges to the left, and LUAKEL drops
straight down. The bright red beam of Althistorical energy misses them,
hits the wall behind, and ISOTs it to the Republic of Burgundian Mexico.
The wall is replaced with a number of confused-looking Patagonians playing
very bad pan pipe music.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll get you, you little stronzos!
THANDE and GBW are smirking at the Trio’s discomfirture. But then
suddenly, IRONYUPPIE lays a restraining hand on DOCTOR WHAT’s arm. It
appears to be the lightest of touches, but DOCTOR WHAT winces in
disproportionate pain. IRONYUPPIE smiles to herself.
IRONYUPPIE
(gently)
Bruno…
She’s not dead.
DOCTOR WHAT
(disbelieving)
She’s not??
DOCTOR WHAT lowers his Podder and examines MYNX again.
IRONYUPPIE
Look at those eyelids, and how the
artist has used light and shade…
DOCTOR WHAT
(heavily)
Smell of burnt biscuits and
essence of Panorama. You’re right.
(pulls himself together)
She’s been Implausifried.
Stoned.
A shocked murmur runs through the crowd. Tight in on MYNX shows her pupils
are dilated and flickering with many colours and she’s mouthing the
words to ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’
LUAKEL
Implausifried?
LEO
Fried by implausibility.
Turned into a statue…
OTHNIEL
(shrugs)
In other words, Stoned.
THANDE looks annoyed.
THANDE
Well, it is obvious that Commer and his…
associates…were responsible for this
Implausifrying, Professor What.
I suggest that disciplinary action…
IRONYUPPIE
Oh don’t be absurd, Blameius.
The sort of Althistorical knowledge required
to carry out an Implausifrying is way beyond
second year level. None of them could know how.
LEO
(piping up)
I do! I’ve been reading ahead-
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL both diplomatically cover LEO’s mouth with their
hands.
DOCTOR WHAT
No. This is something else…
He stares at the message painted on the wall in vodka.
DOCTOR WHAT
The Chamber…
This is bad. Very bad.
I had not thought in my lifetime…
(shakes his head)
All of you. To your dormitories.
Classes will continue as normal.
We shall get to the bottom of this.
DOCTOR WHAT gently cradles the ‘Stoned’ statue of Mynx in his hands.
PROFESSOR FLOCCULENCIO comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder,
almost making him drop her.
FLOCCULENCIO
Sir, do you know what the cure for
Stoning by Implausifrying is?
DOCTOR WHAT
Why of course!
(look of realisation, grin)
Keira Knightley.
FLOCCULENCIO
(smiles)
Yes, sir. By the end of this year, our
project shall be completed and I will
be able to cure your Mynx.
GBW
(overhearing this)
Ermmm…is there any reason why you just
couldn’t hire a Keira Knightley from elsewhere
and get it sorted out now, rather than wait a year?
Everyone looks pityingly at GBW.
GBW
Sorry – logic and reason – I know.
INT. – OTL HISTORY CLASS – DAY
The next morning. Everyone is talking about the Mynx incident and the
message.
The class sits down in front of LEEJ, who is dressed like Mad Mod from the
Teen Titans, but wearing a Sunderland shirt over the top.
LEEJ
Settle down, class!
(unrolls a map)
Now today we’ll be talking about how great
the British Empire became, and how even greater
it would have been if it hadn’t been for those…
(goes purple in the face)
bloody…AMERICANS!!!
LEO cautiously raises his hand. LEEJ looks shocked.
LEEJ
Er – yes?
LEO
Sir, can you tell us anything about
this ‘Chamber’ that everyone’s talking about?
LEEJ
Oh – that. Well it’s nothing more than
an old legend, like that whole ‘American Dream’ rubbish…
LEO
But please, sir…
LEEJ
Oh – very well.
LEEJ gets up and goes to his whiteboard. He begins sketching a plan of the
school on it while talking.
LEEJ
As you will all know…
(LEO nods along with his words, everyone else looks puzzled)
This school was founded more than four hundred years ago
by the four greatest Althistorians of the day.
(he sketches four portraits)
Avid Pornwatcher. Innuendia Fudgepacker.
Smartassa Knowitall. And Whinen Miseryguts.
LEEJ takes a step back, thinks, then begins again.
LEEJ
Each of these four founded a House in which
they placed the students with whose attributes
they most favoured…Pornwatchers, with their
light-hearted humour and quirkiness… Fudgepackers
with their homosexual innuendo… Knowitalls with
their inexhaustible fount of data… and Miserygutses
with their ability to spoil an enjoyable thread
for everyone else by attention-whoring and God-moding.
LUAKEL
(whispering)
It all makes so much sense now!
LEEJ
The Founders had a falling out…and Miseryguts fled from
the school, screaming ‘I’m leaving!’ and setting up
a far inferior rival school that closed almost immediately.
(pause)
But they say that Miseryguts left a creature here that
would obey his every word, or else the words of his
true-blooded Heir, and would one day ravage the school
and restore to it the ideals of Miseryguts…
The class look horrified. LEEJ shrugs.
LEEJ
Load of hogwash, anyway. Now, let’s talk some
more about how crap America is…
LUAKEL
(whispering to OTHNIEL)
The Heir? It must be the Heir that’s
controlling this, this thing!
OTHNIEL
Yeah. I wonder who it is?
LUAKEL
(laughs)
I imagine it’s someone who’s been doing
weird things, like hearing voices and-
(pause)
Oh crap.
INT. – GREAT HALL – DAY
DOMINUSNOVUS and THANDE are standing there before the assembled second
years. NOVUS is beaming, THANDE is scowling. LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL are
standing in a group, as are GBW, EVOLVEDSAURIAN and HIGHLANDER.
NOVUS
So since there appears to be a threat
on the loose, and I am a world-renowned
expert on duelling – as well as everything else –
Professor What has asked, well, more begged,
me to teach you the rudiments of the art…
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Yeah whatever. Can we start killing yet?
NOVUS
(a bit put out)
Firstly, I and my assistant Professor Thande
will demonstrate…
NOVUS bows to THANDE, who returns it suspiciously. Then the two pull out
their Podders.
NOVUS
Sideslippius!
NOVUS fires a bolt of energy at THANDE, who almost boredly deflects it
with his own Podder; it ricochets back, hits NOVUS, and his clothes turn
to women’s lingerie.
NOVUS
Ah. Yes. I let Professor Thande
do that, although I could have course blocked him…
(thoughtful pause)
You know, this feels so…right…
(shakes himself)
Er. Anyway. Partner up with your most
vicious enemy and begin!
NOVUS exits, walking a bit like John Wayne. THANDE allows himself a smirk.
THANDE
You heard Professor Novus.
LUAKEL partners up with GBW, who is trying to sneer and scowl at the same
time, and looks like he’s having a seizure.
LUAKEL
Hello. Time for one of those
teenage rivalry sequences?
GBW
Okay!!
LUAKEL fires a bolt of energy at GBW, who skips aside; the beam carries on
and hits THERMOPYLAE (on the other side, facing EVOLVEDSAURIAN).
THERMOPYLAE is enveloped in a flash of light, then re-emerges upside down,
and hits the floor.
THERMO
Oww!!
LUAKEL
(calling out)
Sorry! You should be glad it
didn’t work properly – that should
have ISOTed you to Australia!
THERMO
Australia…
(sudden flash of inspiration)
Of course! Why didn’t I think of that!
Polish Australia!
(starts scribbling notes)
Meanwhile, GBW has stood up again and now fires a beam at LUAKEL. LUAKEL
waves his Podder and deflects the beam. It goes flying and hits
HIGHLANDER, who vanishes.
GBW
See, Commer??
My ISOTs work!
LUAKEL
Buck off, Fush!
GBW snarls. Both he and LUAKEL fire at the same time. The two blasts
strike and ricochet off each other. One of them hits THE BALD IMPOSTER,
who turns into Paul Daniels wearing a Nazi uniform, and the other hits
KILNGIRL, who becomes dressed as a Sudanese tribeswoman.
GBW
Aw no!!
Now I’ll never get her before Floid!!
(angrily)
For this you’ll die, Commer!
LUAKEL
Change the record track!
LUAKEL is about to fire again, but suddenly a hand comes down on his arm.
It’s THANDE.
THANDE
Commer.
Perhaps you and Mr. W should duel in an
enclosed space? Your usual disregard for
the rules is harming others, and Mr. W
cannot stop you from doing that.
GBW
(smirks)
Right on!
LUAKEL glowers as THANDE leads him and GBW to one side. THANDE then turns
around and waves his Podder, returning all the changed people to normal,
and bringing HIGHLANDER back. He looks terrified.
HIGHLANDER
Sweet saccharin! I was ISOTed to
a bizarre future history timeline where
humans were the only living thing left on Earth!
THANDE waves his Podder again and constructs a sort of tent of energy
around LUAKEL and GBW.
THANDE
This will protect others from
Mr. Commer’s juvenile delinquency.
Although I daresay Mr. W will defeat
him before he can become a danger to
any but himself…
LUAKEL
(muttering)
Thanks a lot.
THANDE
Mr. W…
THANDE whispers something in GBW’s ear. GBW nods eagerly.
LUAKEL
Great.
LUAKEL and GBW bow to each other. Then LUAKEL quickly fires a bolt of
energy at GBW. GBW steps aside again and the beam flies past, but bounces
off the edge of THANDE’s energy tent, and ricochets crazily around for a
few seconds before hitting LUAKEL. LUAKEL is turned into Gavrilo Princip.
He glances down, then grabs his rifle and fires at GBW. GBW blocks the
bullet by turning himself into Ronald Reagan.
The two of them fire at each other again, and these beams return them both
to normal.
GBW
This’ll fix you, Commer!
(he nods to THANDE)
GBW fires a bolt of energy that, in midair, blooms up and turns into a
HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR – BARBAROSSA.
BARBAROSSA grins evilly at LUAKEL, unsheathes his broadsword and takes a
step towards him.
LUAKEL
(backing away)
Oh dear…
We focus tight on LUAKEL’s face and we hear a whispering voice.
VOICE
Heh heh heh…will vassalise this
little one just like all those Italians…
LUAKEL
Hey! I can hear you!
(in an Obi-Wan Kenobi voice)
This Is Not The Ohian Teenager You’re
Looking For. You Will Let Him Go About
His Business.
BARBAROSSA stops, mouthing the words to himself, looks confused, and then
turns around wildly and breaks out of the side of THANDE’s energy tent.
He lunges for THE BALD IMPOSTER. LUAKEL is horrified.
LUAKEL
No!! No!!
BARBAROSSA pauses. DOMINUSNOVUS comes in again, surveys the scene, and
flicks his Podder at BARBAROSSA. There’s a flash of light, and
BARBAROSSA vanishes to be replaced by…ATTILA THE HUN!
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Like that’s an improvement.
THERMOPYLAE
(eyes shining)
Certainly is!
(hurries up with an autograph album)
Sir, have you ever considered the
possibility of being coronated at-
ATTILA causally knocks THERMOPYLAE aside with his massive club. THANDE
hurriedly vanishes ATTILA, and then the energy tent and all the other
effects.
THANDE
Quite enough duelling for today.
Wouldn’t you say so…Professor Novus?
NOVUS
(looking distractedly into a mirror)
What? Oh, yes, absolutely.
Murmurs are spreading through the crowd. LUAKEL rejoins OTHNIEL and LEO.
LUAKEL
Well, at least I didn’t lose…
OTHNIEL
(wide-eyed)
You never told us you were an OperationMouth!
LUAKEL
A what?
LEO
Someone who can talk to, and give orders to,
entities that military operations have been named after.
LUAKEL
Is that unusual?
OTHNIEL
Absolutely.
LEO
The only ones I know of, offhand, are
Whinen Miseryguts…and Mike Collins.
A long pause, as LEO and OTHNIEL both take a step away from LUAKEL.
LUAKEL
What???! You think I’m the Heir of Miseryguts?!!
LEO
(reassuringly)
We don’t Luaky…
(grimly)
But I bet a lot of other people will.
OTHNIEL
The Bald Imposter is already saying that
you ordered Barbarossa to attack him.
LUAKEL
But I-
(sighs)
OTHNIEL
Never mind. The first NewsPosting match
of the season is tomorrow!
EXT. – NEWSPOSTING STADIUM – DAY
The stadium is as before, but now it is filled with spectators. The flags
show the two teams competing today: Pornwatcher and Miseryguts.
We focus on the Staff Box. At the front, with the microphone for the PA
system, is the caretaker, FLOID.
FLOID
(voice booming out from speakers)
Well hello, and one fine Sudanases welcome
to all of you here today!
It’s the first professional NewsPosting match
ever played at AH.com, and I can certainly
feel the excitement in the air!
(leers)
Or perhaps it’s just the excitement in me
at seeing a certain lovely lady in the Knowitall stands…
Tight on – KILNGIRL, sitting next to THE BALD IMPOSTER and looking
annoyed.
KILNGIRL
(cupping her hands around her mouth)
Piss off, Floidy!
FLOID looks crestfallen, but GBW, zipping past on his high-quality vacuum
cleaner, smirks at this turn of events.
FLOID
Well – anyway – now the teams are out…
The Pornwatcher team are flying more slowly than the Miserygutses, as they
have older vacuum cleaners, but overall they seem more skilled – the
Miserygutses are more blunt, brute-force players.
The two teams assemble in a circle around the Post, which has a
basketball-like hole in the centre for the balls to be tossed into. There
is currently a massive cork in this. MrP is sitting there on another
vacuum cleaner, wearing black robes and carrying a whistle. Unfortunately
it’s a swanny whistle.
FLOID
(VO)
And we’re very glad to welcome our own
librarian MrP as referee…MrP, also known
as ‘El Grammarista’ from his years playing
for Surreal Madrid, is himself a retired veteran
of the NewsPosting game…
MrP waves grandly to FLOID and the audience, then turns back to the teams.
He is holding a huge corkscrew.
MrP
Now, I want no foul play, unless it’s
reasonably cinematic.
PLAYERS
(like small children)
Yes Mr. P.
MrP
Three…two…one!
MrP jabs the corkscrew into the cork and pulls. The cork comes out with a
colossal ‘Pop!’, catapulting itself – and MrP, on his vacuum cleaner
– way across the stadium. But the game has begun: millions of
bubble-like News Stories are hammering out of the hole like machine-gun
fire. Five of them hit HERMANUBIS in quick succession – he was a bit too
close – and he’s nearly thrown off.
Within a few seconds, all the News Stories have emerged, and have begun a
more sedate pace of flying around within the stadium. MrP has got his
vacuum cleaner back under control. He crams the cork on his head, then
hangs little hats from the brim, for surrealism value.
The game has started. The Miserygutses are using their superior vacuum
cleaners to the full. GBW pockets three News Stories as we watch; the big
interactive scoreboard rings them up as ‘Interesting’ (5 points)
‘Thought-Provoking’ (10 points) and ‘Psychologically Scarring’
(50 points). JOLO, the captain, casually pulls a news story about
the Second Coming out of the air, then throws it back when he realises it
doesn’t involve algae farms.
But the Pornwatchers are fighting back. LUAKEL watches in wonderment as
IMAJIN and HERMANUBIS, working together, manage to manipulate a stream of
ten News Stories into a stream that pours into the hole on the top of the
Post. Pornwatcher points ring out.
Another Miseryguts player quickly pockets a News Story, but massive alarms
and klaxons go off, with red lights flashing.
FLOID
And we have our first Double Post of the game!
Everyone…
All the stadium chants ‘Ahem, Ahem, posts link’
FLOID
In the Sin Bin for you!
The Miseryguts player, sulking, flies his vacuum cleaner off to one side.
FLOID
And with that, Pornwatcher are pulling ahead…
Not that that’s surprising, even though Miseryguts
have those expensive vacuum cleaners bought
for them by that no-good swine who’s trying to
steal my precious Kilny…
KILNGIRL and GBW both give the finger to FLOID. GBW flies his vacuum
cleaner very close to the stands, leans out daringly – everyone wows at
the stunt – and gives KILNGIRL a quick kiss on the cheek as he zips
past. KILNGIRL giggles girlishly. FLOID begins shouting Coptic swear
words.
We focus on LUAKEL again. He grabs a News Story, quickly reads the title…
LUAKEL
Greys Mutilate Cattle…
No, that’s already come up.
LUAKEL tosses it aside, incidentally bonking ARCHANGEL MICHAEL on the
head.
ARCHANGEL
Oww! Watch out, Luaky!
LUAKEL
Sorry.
LUAKEL searches around again, finds another story, reads this one. We don’t
see the title, but LUAKEL’s eyebrows fly up so high that they almost go
all the way around his head and become moustaches.
LUAKEL
Psychologically scarring for sure!
AND it involves sheep! This could
win us the game!
He flies toward the Post, which is quite a long way away from where he
was. Pan upwards into the top of the stadium. RADICAL_NEUTURAL is sitting
on one of the crossbeams, holding a bowling ball.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
tihs wlil gte ihm otu fo ah.ocm 4 sur!
(grins inanely)
il sotp teh eivl tihng hruting ihm bi
hruting ihm misefl!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL drops the bowling ball, which falls toward LUAKEL. LUAKEL
is heading for the Post, but he glances up in time, and hurriedly dodges
the bowling ball, which keeps going – however it means he has to double
back and miss the post, pursued by Miserygutses.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ho siht.
Tight on – MrP is on his vacuum cleaner, watching the game, his hands
twitching as he does so.
MrP
Dammit – I can’t help it – I need to join
the game myself! Just one won’t hurt…
Just like the old days…
MrP grabs a News Story out of the air.
MrP
Now, what’s this…?
(squints at it)
"Meat consumption rises fourfold
now that battleships have been banned"
AAAAARRGGHHH!!!
MrP falls off his vacuum cleaner, topples through the air, and lands on
GBW’s vacuum cleaner, which is flying below. The impact causes GBW
himself to be thrown off his vacuum cleaner, and GBW falls through the
air, his hands beating uselessly at the air.
GBW
Dammit!
Quick, think...logic and reason…
GBW spots the bowling ball which is still falling down, a few feet from
him.
GBW
Yes! Redirect the momentum…
GBW pulls out his Podder and flicks it at the bowling ball. Instantly, GBW’s
own descent slows to a crawl, and he lands easily on two feet at the
bottom of the stadium. However, he transfers the momentum to the bowling
ball, which suddenly speeds back upwards and at an angle – where it hits
LUAKEL with a terrible CRACK, knocking him off his vacuum cleaner!
GBW
Yes! Unexpected bonus!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
yay! now he’ll be hrobly wunded!
LUAKEL
AAAARRRRGGHHH!
LUAKEL falls toward the Post, which he grabs hold of with one arm – the
other hangs limply – and manages to pull the News Story he picked out of
his pocket with his teeth. He knocks it down the hole, and the whole
stadium lights up as he scores hundreds of points, winning the game for
Pornwatcher!
LUAKEL
Yes!
GBW
Dammit!
LUAKEL, looking rather green, slowly slips down the Post and to the
ground. The crowds are cheering.
LUAKEL
My arm…
DOMINUSNOVUS steps up.
NOVUS
(brightly)
Don’t worry! Just a clean break! Soon fix that!
NOVUS flicks his Podder and LUAKEL’s broken arm is replaced with a
withered one.
LUAKEL
How’s that help??!!
NOVUS
Now you can be the Kaiser!
Or would you prefer to be Admiral Nelson?
LUAKEL
(hastily)
Umm – no.
LEO and OTHNIEL run up.
OTHNIEL
Luaky, that was brilliant!
LEO
But who dropped that bowling ball?
OTHNIEL
Foul play – but never mind.
LUAKEL
Right.
(commanding voice)
Take me to the hospital wing.
And make sure my bed has a place in the sun!
INT. – SICKBAY – NIGHT
LUAKEL is dozing on a bed, half-awake. He still has a withered arm and has
sprouted an impressive Kaiser Bill moustache. TORQUMADA walks over and
scowls at him.
TORQUMADA
(with bad grace)
Hmph, typical.
(pulls a jar from his pocket)
Here, have some nasty medicine.
TORQUMADA pours the brown sludgy liquid into LUAKEL’s open mouth. He
starts and sits up, spitting out flecks of the stuff.
LUAKEL
Ugh! What IS that stuff?
It tastes like muck and bullets!
TORQUMADA
(smiling unpleasantly)
It is. Specially imported from the Somme.
That should cure your Kaiserness and
make you back into a healthy baby boy by tomorrow.
LUAKEL
Uh, thanks, I think.
TORQUMADA walks away, muttering to himself.
TORQUMADA
And if it doesn’t, I wonder if I could keep
his brain alive in a jar…
TORQUMADA exits. LUAKEL lies back, his mouth still contorted into a
disgusted expression at the taste of the Somme mud. However, his moustache
has already begun to shrink, and his withered arm to fill out again.
Then there is a brief spark of light, and RADICAL_NEUTURAL appears out of
midair, landing on his head.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ow! ow!
(smiling drunkenly, showing broken teeth)
hehe, raddy lvoes pian.
LUAKEL
You! What are you doing here?!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
raddy cmae 2 aplogzie!
LUAKEL
Apologise? For what?
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(angrily)
fcuk of u fcukin crakhed!
evrytin gon rwong an al yur fuatl!
LUAKEL
What’s my fault?!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
Taht bwolng blal wsa sposd 2
klil u os u b sfae!
LUAKEL
WHAT?!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
nwo teh cahbmer
fo skih rtiz ahs bin opned!
LUAKEL
What about the Chamber of Sikh Ritz?!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(slapping his forehead)
fcuk of an dei! i shudnev siad taht!
LUAKEL reaches out with both hands (one still only half its proper
size), grabs RADICAL_NEUTURAL by the throat and attempts to strangle
him.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(tongue lolling out like a dog)
hehe raddy lieks pian os mcuh.
LUAKEL withdraws his hands in horror, wiping them on his trousers
urgently, and RADICAL_NEUTURAL vanishes in another flash of light.
LUAKEL
Dammit!
LUAKEL lies back on his bed for a moment, muttering to himself.
Then, he begins to hear the whispering medley of voices in his head again…
MEDLEY
…Under my command and in accordance with my general directives the
commanders in chief of the three branches of the Wehrmacht will direct the
operations of their forces employed in the operation…
LUAKEL
(eyes flying open)
Oh no…
MEDLEY
…The operation will be given the designation…
LUAKEL
It’s going to kill again!
LUAKEL tries to scramble out of bed, when the voices raise to an
indistinct SHOUT and he fall backward, stunned. He lies there,
unconscious.
Time lapse to the morning. We hear strange murmurs outside.
Then DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE enter, carrying between them a Stoned
CHUNKEY. His eyes have dilated pupils and are rotating, and he is
constantly muttering under his breath:
CHUNKEY
great patriotic war…free the rodina,
the motherland, from the uncultured fascists…
for the great stalin and the ineluctable
historical dialectic…
TORQUMADA comes in, stares at the Stoned CHUNKEY, and curses.
TORQUMADA
The Chamber has been opened.
The Beast has got one of our students.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
It’s just like it was twenty years ago.
It’s happening all over again…
IRONYUPPIE
Can you cure him?
TORQUMADA
Only when Professor Flocc manages
to grow his Keira Knightley.
(to himself)
Bah…Knightley woman’s only good
for curing the stoned…no breasts to
speak of…mumble mutter…
IRONYUPPIE
But who’s controlling it?
Who has opened the Chamber?
Focus on LUAKEL – we see that his eyes are not quite shut and he is
eavesdropping.
TORQUMADA
(meaningfully)
Then it was not the same person as before?
DOCTOR WHAT
I was never convinced of that then.
I am even more sure that it is not him now.
IRONYUPPIE
You know what the children whisper.
(nods toward LUAKEL)
The victims have been your cat, Bruno,
who viciously attacked him last year…
and a student who has been pursuing him
trying to film him for the past week.
DOCTOR WHAT
I won’t…
(resolve melts)
Mynx…
(he stares at LUAKEL)
Has he been here all night, Torq?
TORQUMADA
I wasn’t here to see.
I was in the back room doing er…
experiments…and he could have
sneaked out, I suppose.
DOCTOR WHAT
Accusations won’t solve anything at this point.
(sighs)
But if there are any more…incidents, then I
shall face an inquiry from the Department of
Althistorical Affairs…and you know how Reaper
has such influence over the Secretary…
The three staff members share grim looks, then disperse. LUAKEL looks very
worried.
INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY
LUAKEL, his arm now back to normal and without a moustache, runs down the
corridor to meet LEO and OTHNIEL.
OTHNIEL
Luaky! You’re OK!
Listen, we’ve just heard that-
LUAKEL
Never mind that Oth – I just
overheard the teachers saying
that they suspect ME as the Heir
of Miseryguts!
LEO
They’re not the only ones, Luaky.
Everyone’s whispering about you…
LUAKEL looks around and notes that the other students in the corridor are
staring at him and edging away.
LUAKEL
(angrily)
Why would I do a thing like that?!
Even if I could!
OTHNIEL
Look, we know it isn’t you, Luaky, but they don’t.
LUAKEL fumes.
In the background of the corridor, we can see EVOLVEDSAURIAN arguing with
THE BALD IMPOSTER.
THE BALD IMPOSTER
What?!
(prods EVOLVEDSAURIAN in the chest)
How dare you blaspheme the name of Keira!
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
(smirking)
I am not a Keira worshipper, therefore
I cannot blaspheme against her.
(pokes THE BALD IMPOSTER back)
I love loopholes.
THE BALD IMPOSTER
(furious)
Why you little…
I’LL LOOPHOLE YOU!!
THE BALD IMPOSTER grabs EVOLVEDSAURIAN and attempts to strangle him. The
camera follows LUAKEL and co. but in the background we see HIGHLANDER and
THERMOPYLAE eventually wrestle the two apart.
LUAKEL
All right. We know it’s not me…
We’ll have to find out by ourselves
who it is, to prove my innocence.
OTHNIEL
(punching the air)
Time for some juvenile delinquency! Yes!
LEO
Are you sure this is a good idea, Luaky?
LUAKEL
Better than the alternative.
Doctor What said that they’d face an inquiry
if this continues…
LEO
Ugh. And the school could be shut down.
(looks panicked)
What would I do without lessons??
The holidays are already too long as it is!
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL look at each other and laugh.
Meanwhile, in the background, we see GBW defending EVOLVEDSAURIAN and
HIGHLANDER.
GBW
(to THE BALD IMPOSTER)
I look after my henchmen.
Watch it, or you’ll regret it…
THE BALD IMPOSTER
(smirking)
What are you going to do,
News-Post me?
GBW
(smiling unpleasantly)
I’m sure I’ll think of something.
INT. – PORNWATCHER COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The end of that day. LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL are seated around a table,
trying to do some homework and talk at the same time. They all look
frustrated.
LUAKEL
I still say the Heir is GBW.
He was the one who gloated over
the cat business…and he had a bigger
grudge against Mynx than any of us!
LEO
Yeah, but he was first sorted into
Knowitall. He can’t be a blood descendant
of Miseryguts, surely…
OTHNIEL
Why do you always have to make sense?
Suddenly, CHINGO runs through the common room, crying and screaming.
CHINGO
i hate u all…i hate everything!
i’m going to bed…
CHINGO runs up the staircase.
OTHNIEL
What’s with him?
LUAKEL
(snorts)
Knowing Chingo, he’s just run out
of liquorice allsorts or something.
LEO
Come on, you two –
he has just lost his best friend –
Chunkey’s been Stoned…
A gloomy silence, broken only by all the people in the background
whispering about how LUAKEL is the Heir.
LUAKEL
(fed up)
I’m going to go and get some fresh air.
I can’t think, stuck in here…
INT. – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
LUAKEL is trudging along the corridor near the Pornwatcher dormitories,
whistling tunelessly to himself, when he suddenly stops, stunned with
horror.
There, before him, THE BALD IMPOSTER is stood stock still, his eyes
dreamily Stoned. And beside him is the frozen floating figure of ghostly
WEAPON M.
LUAKEL
Oh, crap!
Another figure appears from the shadows…
THANDE
(smirking)
Commer.
You won’t be able to weasel out of it this time.
LUAKEL
No! I-
(struggles with anger)
Wasn’t me...
THANDE
Very convincing, Commer.
This time you shall be expelled for sure.
LUAKEL
I-
DMA
(VO)
Luaky! There yer are, mate!
LUAKEL turns to find that DMA is coming up behind him, carrying something
in a sack.
THANDE
(coldly)
This is none of your business, Atwell.
DMA
Quite the opposite, ya big galah!
THANDE looks confused.
DMA
But Luaky cobber, you’ll have to come up
and see Professor What. This is out of my dukes
now an’ into his rectangle.
LUAKEL
Err…right?
THANDE
(not quite satisfied)
If you think What will even consider that he…
He’s let the boy off so many times before…
DMA
(angrily)
Throw another shrimp on the barbie, Blameius!
If you ever speak badly of Doctor What…
THANDE
(taking a step back)
I said no such thing.
Merely that there may be a conflict of interest…
DMA
Yer can take yer conflict of interest
and shove it up yer clacker, yer big figjam!
THANDE
(not quite sure if he’s been insulted)
Err…yes?
DMA shakes his head and walks away, LUAKEL (looking shocked and
depressed) trailing along behind him. THANDE stands there for a moment
longer, then also walks away.
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
DMA takes LUAKEL through a corridor we haven’t seen before. He pauses,
glancing through his sack, and curses.
LUAKEL
What’s happened?
DMA
(muttering)
Some whacker got into my cave an’
broke all my model Spitfires.
He shows LUAKEL the bag, full of broken parts of airfix models.
DMA
Bloody galah…
some of them were the dinky-dee exy duxes, an’ all.
LUAKEL
Erm…is that a good thing?
DMA
Reckon! Still, no worries.
(pats LUAKEL on head, driving him into the stone floor)
I’m sure yer’ll be wagging out of this one before you
can say tits on a bull, my son!
LUAKEL
Er…yes?
DMA
Here we go.
The two of them stop in front of a massive golden statue shaped like a
woman lying on her back, with her legs spread wide.
DMA
The door’s behind this.
LUAKEL
How do we get it to open?
(thoughtful pause)
Er…knowing Doctor What…!
DMA
(laughing)
The forks, mate!
Don’t worry, IY made him tone it down.
DMA leans and speaks into the statue’s crotch as though it’s a
microphone.
DMA
"I find that strangely arousing."
The statue clicks and slides back into the wall, revealing a stairway
behind.
DMA
Push off up there, Luaky.
Strewth! I’ve got to go and stop that plane-smashing
hoon if he comes back!
LUAKEL
(gulps)
You mean I’ve got to see him alone??
DMA
Don’t worry, lad.
I’ll see Doctor What when I’m a bit less troppo.
DMA walks away. LUAKEL looks nervous, but steels himself and walks up the
staircase.
INT. – DOCTOR WHAT’S OFFICE – NIGHT
LUAKEL emerges into a strange room, quite large. It is dominated by a
massive oak desk. Surrounding that are lots of small mismatched tables
with strange artefacts on them, usually resembling model airships, sex
toys, or both. On the back wall are lots of still photographs of DOCTOR
WHAT posing in strange places, e.g. in front of Temple Mount in Jerusalem
with one arm around Ariel Sharon and the other around Yasser Arafat; one
in front of the Arc de Triomphe with Hitler and Stalin; and one showing
him buying a harem off one of the Ottoman Sultans. He is grinning in all
of them and giving double thumbs-up signs. From the ceiling, the remains
of a parachute with a maple leaf on it are hanging down.
LUAKEL
Doctor What? Professor? Sir?
No answer. LUAKEL nervously walks further into the room and takes another
look around. He notices that the bright red hotpants, the Sorting Shorts,
are on a table, so walks closer and tentatively reaches out and touches
them.
SORTING SHORTS
Hello! You again!
LUAKEL
Er – yes?
SORTING SHORTS
Still haven’t switched to Miseryguts yet?
LUAKEL
NO!!!
SORTING SHORTS
You really should! After all, you are the-
LUAKEL draws his hand back, cutting off the voice.
LUAKEL
No! I won’t believe that! It’s a lie!
LUAKEL takes a step backward and bumps into another table. He spins around
and finds that, sitting on top of the table, is a very elderly-looking cat
wearing an Egyptian head-dress.
CAT
Mew.
LUAKEL
Hello puss.
(strokes it behind its ears)
You must be Sphynx, Doctor What’s other cat.
Getting on a bit, aren’t you?
SPHYNX yawns tiredly and then, as LUAKEL withdraws his hand, ignites into
a brilliant flash of gold-white light.
LUAKEL
What??! No!!
He can see the shape of SPHYNX silhouetted by the light, and slowly
burning away.
LUAKEL
Not another one!
He looks around desperately, then grabs a fire extinguisher off the wall.
LUAKEL
Quick!
He pushes the button down, and it sprays white liquid from the tip, but it
goes everywhere, hardly any going near SPHYNX. Some of it even hits LUAKEL
in the face. Frowning, he tastes it, looking thoughtful.
LUAKEL
Strange…Zesty aromas of apple balanced with a delicate floral note…
.accentuated by crisp refreshing acidity…with buttery flavour
and combined with a lingering complex finish…
doesn’t taste like any firefighting foam I’ve ever drank…
LUAKEL suddenly pauses, a look of realisation on his face. He glances from
the huge red cylindrical fire extinguisher, to all the items on the tables
surrounding him. Very carefully, he sets it down, and walks away from it
with a fixed expression. SPHYNX is still burning merrily away.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, hello, Luaky.
LUAKEL spins around to find that DOCTOR WHAT is emerging from a cupboard
that seems far too small to contain him, and is wearing a pair of fake
comedy breasts over the top of a Soviet admiral’s uniform.
LUAKEL
Professor! Your cat, sir!
I’m sorry, I couldn’t do anything-
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
Don’t worry, Luakel.
Sphynx is a Gallifreyan cat, and he really
DOES have nine lives.
LUAKEL glances back at the burning SPHYNX. As he watches, the flame slowly
dims, then snaps off. Now, sitting on the table, is a tiny kitten, as
though just born.
SPHYNX
(tiny voice)
Mew.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ahhhh! This is only his sixth life, too.
Still plenty more to go.
DOCTOR WHAT gently scoops up the kitten and presses its mouth to one of
the nipples on his fake breasts, then squeezes it with his other hand. The
kitten laps up the milk greatefully.
DOCTOR WHAT
It was fortunate that I happened to be wearing
a pair of fake breasts filled with cat’s milk, no?
LUAKEL
(laughing)
Knowing you, sir…
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
Indeed.
DOCTOR WHAT sits behind the desk, LUAKEL on the other side. DOCTOR WHAT
looks serious.
DOCTOR WHAT
Luaky, DMA has just emailed me. So has
Professor Thande. They said that you were
found next to another two Stoned victims.
LUAKEL
(frustrated)
Yes, sir, but it’s not me doing this!
Whoever’s doing it, they just keep doing
it near me!
DOCTOR WHAT
I believe you, Luaky, for I have gazed into
your soul and my judgement is never wrong.
(coughs)
But the Department is asking questions…
Grimm Reaper is redoubling his calls for an inquiry…
LUAKEL
What should I do, sir?
DOCTOR WHAT
(firmly)
Lie low, stay with large groups of people.
So you’ll always have an alibi.
And let me handle the Department.
LUAKEL
(reassured)
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
DOCTOR WHAT
You may go, now.
LUAKEL turns and leaves, walking down the stairs. DOCTOR WHAT sits there
for a minute, while SPHYNX drains his breasts dry.
DOCTOR WHAT
(musingly)
Mind you, my money’s still on him
for the betting who’s the Heir…
Floid’s only running
two to one odds now though…
INT. – PORNWATCHER TOWER – MORNING
The morning after. LUAKEL has just met OTHNIEL in the middle of the
deserted common room.
LUAKEL
At least Doctor What believes in me.
OTHNIEL
That was good advice he gave you.
You’d better stick around with other people…
LUAKEL
(frustrated)
How can I, when everyone thinks I’m the Heir?!
And, indeed, camera pulls out to reveal that in fact the common room has
dozens of people in, but they’re all pressed against the walls, eyeing
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL in the centre nervously.
OTHNIEL
Good point…
LUAKEL
Look, it’s got to be GBW.
The Bald Imposter was Stoned right after
he insulted EvolvedSaurian and GBW said
he’d regret it!
(counts on his fingers)
And GBW had a reason to get Mynx back…
(shrugs)
We just have to find a way to prove it.
OTHNIEL
Leo said he thought he had something.
He’s emailed me – wants us to meet him
in the girls’ toilets.
LUAKEL
The girls’ toilets.
(pause)
I think Neo-Mandaic must do weird
things to the brain, Oth mate.
OTHNIEL
Too right.
INT. – GIRLS’ TOILETS – DAY
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL cautiously enter the disused toilet block, looking
around with disgusted expressions on their faces.
LUAKEL
Er – Leo?
Suddenly a figure emerges through the wall of the nearest cubicle. It’s
MAX SINISTER.
MAX SINISTER
Oh yes, it’s only Leo you want to see is it?!
Not poor old ‘Moaning’ Max with his highly
interesting proposal to reform the proportional
voting system in order to avoid favouring the…
But LUAKEL and OTHNIEL have already dozed off.
MAX SINISTER
(sighing)
Sturm und Drang!
He shakes his head and walks back through a wall. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL wake
up.
OTHNIEL
Leo?
LEO
(muffled)
I’m in here! Has he gone yet??
LUAKEL
Yes! Where are you?
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL find LEO in one of the cubicles. Sitting on top of the
old toilet is a massive beaker, which is LEO is stirring using a
heater/stirrer and magnetic bead. He occasionally pauses to spatula in a
few more grains of different chemicals, changing the colour of the
solution.
OTHNIEL
What’s this?
LEO
Deusexmachinanol.
It’s a chemical that lets you assume the
appearance of anyone else – you just have
to add a tiny bit of their body, a hair or something…
and then drink it.
LUAKEL
Urgh. Sounds disgusting.
LEO
Yeah, but we can use it to look like GBW’s friends,
and then we just have to talk to him and get a confession.
OTHNIEL
How are we going to get their hairs or something?
LEO
Easy. I just ordered them off eBay.
LEO pulls out a box divided into different compartments with different
hairs in. They have little labels on.
LEO
I think they were supplied by the cleaners
here. Good job they were willing to trade
for a copy of Hamlet – the Mandaic Translation, eh?
They took them off the bunks in the dormitories.
LUAKEL
So who are we going to be?
LEO
I’ve got EvolvedSaurian and Highlander for you two.
And for me…
(winks)
Kilngirl.
OTHNIEL
What?? You’re going to become a girl?!
That’s incredibly pervy!
LUAKEL
Yeah!
(with feeling)
Wish I’d thought of it…
OTHNIEL edges away from LUAKEL.
LEO
But it’s perfect! GBW is bound to
reveal secrets to her that he wouldn’t
to anyone else…boasting of his exploits…
LUAKEL
And this isn’t due to the fact that Kit’s
been stalking you again and this is the only
way you’ll be absolutely safe?
LEO
(uncomfortably)
Not at all.
Pan upwards, through the ceiling, to reveal that KIT is in the room above,
holding a glass against the floor and listening, while FELLATIO NELSON is
taking notes in a notebook titled ‘Stalking Diary – Target: L. Caesius’.
Pan down again.
LEO
Look, all we have to do is make sure that
those three people aren’t around when we
do it, so they won’t show up when we are.
The stuff only lasts an hour, so we’ll have to
keep them busy for that long.
(smiles)
I think I’ve already done Kilngirl, thanks to a tipoff…
INT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE KNOWITALL TOWER – DAY
KILNGIRL is walking along when FLOID appears from a secret passage behind
her, waving a bunch of flowers.
FLOID
Kilngirl! Don’t marry Dubya like
that guy told me you would!
Run away to Sudanasesia with me!!
KILNGIRL
(jumps in surprise)
What?!
Typical man!!
I’ll have to…punish you for that.
FLOID
(eyes light up)
Really??
KILNGIRL
(smiles sweetly)
Yes. It should take about…an hour.
But the effects will take years to fade…
FLOID
(grinning)
Sounds good!
INT. – GIRLS’ TOILETS – DAY
As before.
LUAKEL
So we only have to immobilise
EvolvedSaurian and Highlander.
LEO CAESIUS
Yeah. They should be passing outside now.
Just use your imagination.
Focus on LUAKEL and OTHNIEL standing next to each other – thought
bubbles appear above their heads – LUAKEL’s shows LUAKEL stunning
EVOLVEDSAURIAN and HIGHLANDER with homosexual innuendo – OTHNIEL’s
shows him evangelising them into a rapture – then the two thought
bubbles merge and it shows LUAKEL and OTHNIEL stunning them into a rapture
with Biblical innuendo – the thought bubble breaks apart from the
strain. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL shake their heads.
BOTH
Plan B…
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE GIRLS’ TOILETS
EVOLVEDSAURIAN and HIGHLANDER are strolling past.
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
And then I said, don’t be ridiculous,
of course Cornwall starts at Bristol…
HIGHLANDER
(not listening)
Mm yeah.
(eyes brighten)
Hey! Look at that!!
Lying before them on the floor are two DVDs, one labelled, ‘The Best of
Furry Porn’, the other ‘United States Conquers the Universe – the
Movie’.
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Brilliant!
They grab the DVD boxes and break them open, only to topple back, stunned,
when sleeping gas puffs out of the boxes. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL emerge from a
doorway.
OTHNIEL
That was easy.
The two of them drag them back into the girls’ toilets.
INT. – GIRLS’ TOILETS – DAY
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL tie up the unconscious EVOLVEDSAURIAN and HIGHLANDER
with toilet paper and leave them in one of the cubicles. LEO is pouring
out three glasses of the potion.
LEO
Here we go. EvolvedSaurian for Luaky,
Highlander for Othniel, Kilngirl for me…
He adds a hair to each glass and they change into different colours. Each
of them take up a glass, staring at the stuff suspiciously.
LUAKEL
Well, here goes nothing…
They all tip their glasses back, then their cheeks bulge as they almost
throw up.
OTHNIEL
Ugh…
Each of them begins to slowly change, their skin rippling with the
effects. LEO, a funny expression on his face, dives into a nearby cubicle
for shelter. The other two remain there, as they slowly turn into
HIGHLANDER and EVOLVEDSAURIAN.
LUAKEL
(now looks, sounds like EVOLVEDSAURIAN)
Wow, that was weird.
OTHNIEL
(ditto HIGHLANDER)
And not at all strangely arousing, either.
LUAKEL
I bet Leo’s was, though –
(bangs on cubicle)
Hey, Leo!
LEO
(NOT sounding like KILNGIRL)
Er, hey, boo boo, howsabout you
go and perpetrate this deed on your lonesomes?
I’m not feeling too well…
I’ve got a rumbly in my tumbly
and I need a marmalade sandwich.
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL exchange glances.
OTHNIEL
I suppose we’ll have to, then…
LEO
Good luck! And don’t start any
forest fires, kids!
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL look at each other, oddly, then shrug and leave the
toilets.
EXT. – AH.COM – CORRIDOR – DAY
EVOLVEDLUAKEL and OTHLANDER are wandering around, looking lost.
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
(sotto voce)
Where is the Miseryguts dormitory, anyway?
OTHLANDER
How should I know?? Do you think
I’ve ever wanted to go and hang out
with those bozos?
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
True – take GBW for example, he’s-
OTHLANDER
(loudly)
Standing behind you!
EVOLVEDLUAKEL turns to find that GBW has indeed just walked up.
GBW
Greetings, my minions.
(sneering)
Shall we retire to the common room?
OTHLANDER
Um, yeah, let’s!
GBW sets off in one direction and the others follow.
GBW
So, ES, Highlander, how have you been getting
along with that assignment that Professor Thande
set us last week?
OTHLANDER
Um – we’re still collecting the ingredients.
GBW
(looks at him oddly)
Pardon? How hard can it be to find wallpaper
paste and itching powder?
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
Oh – THAT assignment.
GBW
(laughs)
Yeah. That bastard Commer won’t know
what hit him, eh?
OTHLANDER
Thande asked you to do that?!
GBW
(looks at him oddly)
Well, of course. You were there!
OTHLANDER
Oh – yes – of course we were –
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
(hastily)
Mmm anthropomorphised animals,
foxes with breasts, rabbits in short skirts-
OTHLANDER
(nudges him, whispers urgently)
Shutupi’mtheonedisguisedashimyou’resupposedtobe
EvolvedSaurian.
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
Oh yeah. Er-
Fortunately, GBW is ignoring them. They’ve reached a blank wall covered
in a tapestry and he is busy studying it.
GBW
(idly, to himself)
Now what’s this week’s password again?
OTHLANDER
(worriedly)
Er…
GBW
Oh yes.
(shouts at the tapestry)
Pah! You call this authentic! They didn’t have
those inks before 1480! And they didn’t have
video cameras in medieval England, you inbred
moron! And I’m not missing the point of this at all!
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
(whispering)
Um – isn’t that a publicity poster for
Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
GBW
(cheerfully)
That’s right!
(relaxes, speaks in normal voice)
Coming from Knowitall, it took me a while
to learn the ways of the Miseryguts, but my
teachers say that my pointless nitpicking and
thickheaded intransigence have been coming along nicely.
Now…
(carefully scowls again)
In we go.
The tapestry rolls up to reveal-
INT. – MISERYGUTS COMMON ROOM – DAY
The Miseryguts common room is a dank dungeon full of various chairs and
bits of mediaeval torture equipment. Younger students (n00bs) are
being punished by hanging from various metal clamps bolted into the stone
walls. A cabinet mounted halfway up one wall contains various God-Moding,
News-Posting and Mosaic Earth trophies. The walls are covered with mould
in places. EVOLVEDLUAKEL and OTHLANDER look around, trying to conceal
their revulsion.
In one corner, a cinema screen has been set up, and various great comedies
and parodies are playing, but the audience is silent and unmoved, except
when they whine and moan at minor factual inaccuracies, and then develop
expressions of almost sexual pleasure. EVOLVEDLUAKEL and OTHLANDER turn
away with a shudder.
GBW
Sit down here.
They all sit on a variety of easy chairs near the middle of the room. GBW
looks around puzzledly.
GBW
That’s funny, I thought Kilny said she’d be
visiting us by now.
EVOLVEDLUAKEL and OTHLANDER eye each other worriedly.
OTHLANDER
Um – I think she said she’d be delayed.
GBW
(angrily)
Oh? And where did you hear this??
Have you been talking to my precious Kilny?!
(leaps out of his chair and stands over OTHLANDER threateningly)
HAVE YOU?!! ARE YOU A BLOODY QUISLING,
A TURNCOAT, A WANNABE SUDANESES
BASTARD LIKE THAT FLOID?!!!
OTHLANDER looks terrified, and EVOLVEDLUAKEL is not much better.
OTHLANDER
(faintly)
Er – no – I overheard her talking to a girlfriend of hers.
GBW
(instantly calms)
I see.
He sits down again, and develops a musing expression.
GBW
(thinking)
Talking to a girlfriend…
I wonder if that means…
I find that strangely ar…
(shakes his head)
Never mind.
Dead silence except for the screams of pain in the background.
EVOLVEDLUAKEL coughs.
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
So…about this Chamber of Sikh Ritz business…
GBW
(laughs coarsely)
Yeah. Not a bad record so far.
Doctor What’s stupid cat…
(sudden anger, and feels the cyborg side of his face)
One of those Pornwatcher n00bs, and The Bald Imposter…
(smiles)
Not only a potential love rival for Kilny, but he insulted
you, didn’t he, ES?
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
Wh-? Oh yes, of course he did, yes.
GBW
Nice work, whoever he is, the Heir.
(snorts)
Certainly not that little dipstick Commer,
as everyone seems to think. Wankers.
As though he’d have the skill to pull this off…
EVOLVEDLUAKEL is getting angrier and angrier, so OTHLANDER hastily cuts
him off.
OTHLANDER
You mean…you don’t know who the Heir is?
GBW
Of course not! It could be anyone…
(looks significantly around the room)
Anyone at all. Except Commer obviously.
OTHLANDER
We thought it might be…well, you…
GBW
(snorts)
Don’t be absurd, Highlander, I think
I’d have told you before now…
(glances at watch)
Where IS my precious Kilny?
KILNGIRL
(VO)
I’m here!
They turn to find it is indeed KILNGIRL. Oddly, her face is wet.
KILNGIRL
(seductively)
Hello, GBW.
GBW
(eyes light up)
Hello indeed.
KILNGIRL
Sorry I’m late. I was delayed…in the girls’ toilets…
OTHLANDER and EVOLVEDLUAKEL’s eyes meet significantly and they nod.
OTHLANDER
(hissing)
Leo came after all!
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
(hissing)
Yeah!
Quick flash to-
INT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ANOTHER BLOCK OF GIRLS’ TOILETS – DAY
The doors open and FLOID, his body broken and bloodied, is pushed along on
a hospital trolley by a grumbling TORQUMADA.
FLOID
(babbling)
She’s such a real lady!
Even cleaned my blood off her face!
TORQUMADA
Huh, you want to see a real lady?
TORQUMADA hands FLOID a photo (we don’t see it ourselves). FLOID’s
eyes widen.
FLOID
Are those real?!
TORQUMADA
The breasts are real, but the rest of her isn’t.
FLOID
(tilting his head at the photo)
Ohhhhh…I see…
INT. – MISERYGUTS COMMON ROOM – DAY
KILNGIRL smiles at GBW.
GBW
Why not sit yourself down here?
(slaps his lap)
EVOLVEDLUAKEL and OTHLANDER look at KILNGIRL in worry, but KILNGIRL
smiles, walks over to GBW and sits down on his lap. EVOLVEDLUAKEL and
OTHLANDER’s eyes widen as GBW strokes KILNGIRL’s hair and then their
mouths meet in a kiss.
GBW
(smiling as he breaks away)
You little tease…
KILNGIRL laughs
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
(suddenly bursts out with)
Leo mate, you’re going too far!
OTHLANDER
Yeah! It’s not worth it just to
escape from Kit and Fell!
KILNGIRL glares at them angrily, while GBW just looks puzzled.
KILNGIRL
What the hell are you talking about??
EVOLVEDLUAKEL
(sudden realisation)
Oh…you’re the REAL Kilng-
Suddenly EVOLVEDLUAKEL and OTHLANDER rise to their feet and run for the
door. As they do so, their fox- and lizard-tails begin to crawl back into
their bodies; the potion is wearing off. GBW watches in disbelief.
GBW
(angry)
Imposters!
Why, I’ll-
KILNGIRL
(seductively)
Hand them over to me?
KILNGIRL looks significantly at one of the pieces of mediaeval torture
equipment. GBW follows her gaze, then smiles at her.
GBW
Only if you promise to do me first.
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDOR
EVOLVEDLUAKEL and OTHLANDER are still running along, slowly changing back
into LUAKEL and OTHNIEL.
LUAKEL
That was a close shave!
OTHNIEL
Can say that again!
(puzzled)
So if that was the real Kilngirl,
what happened to Leo?
LUAKEL
We’d better go and find out.
INT. – GIRLS’ TOILETS – DAY
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL enter cautiously.
LUAKEL
Leo? Hello, Leo?
MAX SINISTER suddenly walks through a wall and appears in front of them,
grinning at them.
MAX SINISTER
Oh, you’ll never guess what he’s done!
(gloating)
That’ll teach him to not turn up to any
of my meetings of the Social Democratic
Arbeitslinksenpartei!
MAX SINISTER laughs and walks through the wall again.
OTHNIEL
(worried)
Leo?
Suddenly a cubicle door opens and OTHNIEL and LUAKEL gape at what comes
out.
LEO
Well hey boo boo, I’m afraid the
potion didn’t work too well.
Y’see, the eBay people took a hair off
little Kilngirl’s bed, ah uh, but they
didn’t re-a-lise she had a teddybear, yeah?
OTHNIEL and LUAKEL just stare at LEO, who has become a composite of every
anthropomorphised cartoon bear.
LEO
Also it doesn’t seem to be wearing off too well,
and I’ve still got a rumbly in my tumbly for a
pic-a-nic basket full of marmalade sandwiches…
OTHNIEL
Oh, crap. We’ll have to go to see Torq.
LUAKEL
(sighing)
I don’t see how this can get any worse…
VOICES FROM NEXT CUBICLE
(sleepily)
Uhh…what happened…
OTHNIEL
(horrified)
Sleep gas is wearing off!
EVOLVEDSAURIAN and HIGHLANDER emerge, bleary-eyed.
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Ugh – feel like I’ve been hit by a piano
and my head feels like there’s a Frenchman
living inside it…
HIGHLANDER
Yeah, I-
HIGHLANDER suddenly catches side of bearified LEO. We see a thought bubble
emerge from HIGHLANDER’s head, showing a Las Vegas fruit machine/one
armed bandit. The three reels clunk into place, showing ‘Furry’, ‘Furry’,
‘Furry’, and then the jackpot flashes, spewing coins everywhere.
HIGHLANDER’s eyes light up. LEO backs away nervously.
HIGHLANDER
I…
With two cartoonish flashes of speed, LEO and HIGHLANDER have vanished,
leaving only dust. LUAKEL, OTHNIEL and EVOLVEDSAURIAN are left behind,
looking at each other puzzledly. OTHNIEL pulls a prism-shaped object from
his pocket.
OTHNIEL
(proffering it)
Toblerone, anyone?
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – DAY
From a distance, we see the silhouettes of HIGHLANDER and bearified LEO
chasing each other across the battlements, first one way and then the
other, at ridiculous speeds. LEO tries hiding behind a tower and
HIGHLANDER shoots past, but then when LEO turns around with a sigh of
relief, he finds that HIGHLANDER is somehow standing behind him.
HIGHLANDER
Come to me, ma cherie, oui?
LEO
Aaaaaargh!
Or as the Mandaeans say,
‘Aaaaaargh!’
They resume the chase, going all over the castle again before diving back
inside.
[center]INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDOR
LEO runs through a corridor, HIGHLANDER just behind, then LEO spots the
door to a broom cupboard. He dashes inside, slams the door behind him,
locks it and then pulls the key out and swallows it.
LEO
(in triumph)
There!
We hear HIGHLANDER scratching pitifully on the door for a bit before
eventually giving up and going away.
LEO
Phew.
(pulls out his Podder)
Fiat lux et mirrorum!
MrP
(distantly)
Gahhhh…
LEO waves the Podder and a small candle-like glow emerges from it,
followed by a little compact mirror. LEO examines himself in the mirror,
and we see his face for ourselves. The fur is retreating into his skin and
he is turning back into a human.
LEO
Phew, hey, that was a close one, Mr Ranger.
(pulls himself together)
Good. I’m turning back from being a bear!
Now Highlander won’t want me!
(smiles with relief)
Yep, I’m just back to being an Italian dude
with dark hair, green eyes and fabulous glutes…
As LEO speaks, a dark silhouette slowly rears up behind him. Something
blows out the light of his Podder and all is dark.
KIT
(VO)
Promise?
LEO
(brightly)
Oh, crap!
INT. – PORNWATCHER COMMON ROOM – DAY
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL walk into the common room, looking a bit worse for
wear. LUAKEL looks around the common room and notices that there are n00bs
hanging from the ceiling with signs saying ‘st00pid 0tler’ taped to
their heads, and that there is a little cinema on which is playing Otler
films, and an audience of Pornwatchers are laughing at rather than with
the Otlers.
OTHNIEL
(slapping LUAKEL’s back)
Glad to be out of that Miseryguts common room, eh?
(smiles)
I’m glad we’re more civilised.
HERMANUBIS
(shouting up from the cinema)
Yeah, those Miserygutses might as well just
be stinking Otlers, eh?
IMAJIN shushes him. LUAKEL looks worried, then frowns as he almost trips
over something. He bends down and picks up something that looks rather
like a big kazoo.
LUAKEL
What’s this?
IMAJIN
(laughing)
Don’t you recognise it?
OTHNIEL
Cut him some slack, guys, he was raised by Otlers.
Everyone else takes their hat off and holds it in the mourning position in
an ironic fashion, except CHINGO…
CHINGO
hey me and ward aren’t otlers!
Everyone shushes him.
OTHNIEL
It’s what’s known as a doobie or rudimentary
spliff-pipe, recreational drugs smoking, for the use of.
LUAKEL
(turning it over in his hands)
Ohhh…I see…
CHINGO walks past them and casts a glance at the doobie.
CHINGO
hey great!
recreational drugs!
can i have a go?
LUAKEL
(worried)
Er…no?
CHINGO
(angrily)
you’re no fun!
CHINGO runs away up the stairs to his room. He pauses on the bottom step,
gives LUAKEL a funny look, and then continues.
OTHNIEL
Where’s Leo, anyway?
LUAKEL puts the doobie in his rucksack and looks around.
LUAKEL
Leo? LEO!
They run up the stairs to the dormitory.
INT. – DORMITORY – DAY
Leo isn’t there, although PSYCHO, MICHAEL and THERMO are lying on
adjacent beds, smoking spliffs of their own. The smoke trails go
lackadaisically up the ceiling, while around them, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL
begin frantically opening cupboards and yelling for Leo.
PSYCHO
(dreamily)
Y’know…you guys are all…
All…
(looks confused, trying to reach for a word)
THERMO
(optimistically)
All right?
PSYCHO
(frowns)
Don’t think that was…
(smiles blankly as he loses the thread)
MICHAEL
Pfft, whatever.
In the old country we wouldn’t use
this kind of hacksmackcrackjackawhack
to strain the retsina!
PSYCHO
Hmmmmm…
(blows a smoke ring, which somehow
turns into a percentage sign)
You want to watch that batch I bought
from that Fudgepacker dude.
When I smoke it, it makes Alyson
look like she’s got green hair…
MICHAEL
Let’s have some, it can only be an improvement.
PSYCHO
(angry in an extremely dreamy way)
Why, you…
MICHAEL and PSYCHO slowly rise from their beds and, accompanied by bursts
of psychedelic colour, begin having a fight in slow motion. THERMO sits up
and eats popcorn in equally slow motion, his eyes spinning around like
dartboards. Beside him on the bed, his spliff starts to set fire to the
bedcovers.
Meanwhile, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are still frantically searching the room at
normal speed. OTHNIEL carefully weaves in between PSYCHO and MICHAEL as
they clash, their fists heading towards each other at glacial speeds.
LUAKEL opens a trunk to find a glockenspiel there, but someone other than
Turtledove playing it.
LUAKEL
Who are you?
BEARDED CALIFORNIAN
Hey, do you want to hear my latest
composition? I call it ‘Ode to
Violent Lesbians’…
A small figure, FAEELIN, pops up beside him at the bottom of the trunk.
FAEELIN
(pedantically)
I think you’ll find that the Central Asian tribal
migrations of the thirteenth century would
have precluded the invention of the glockenspiel
and furthermore your pretensions of knowledge are entirely-
STIRLING grabs the glockenspiel and starts beating FAEELIN over the head
with it, accompanied by musical clanging sounds. LUAKEL shakes his head
and closes the trunk door.
OTHNIEL
I can’t see him anywhere!
LUAKEL
He must have got sidetracked.
We’d better go and look for him.
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL leave. As we watch, MICHAEL trips over PSYCHO’s
deliberately outstretched foot and somehow goes flying through the air in
slow motion, screaming in a slowed-down voice, and lands on top of THERMO,
who in turn cracks his head (very slowly) on the bedpost. He shakes
his head, having returned to normal speed.
THERMO
Hey! That gives me an idea!
(smiles)
Byzantine Antarctica!
He grins at the still-stoned other two, who both stare at him in anger and
go plunging after him very slowly waving their fists.
THERMO
(shaking his head)
Philistines.
THERMO casually walks away from their glacial pace.
PSYCHO
I told you this was the good stuff!
MICHAEL very slowly slaps him and they begin another fight.
As THERMO passes another dormitory – the first years’ – we see
CHINGO frantically pulling his bed’s mattress out and searching
underneath it…
INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL walk along a corridor, shouting ‘Leo!’
intermittently.
LUAKEL
Leo! Leo!
(shakes his head)
Neither hide nor hair of him.
OTHNIEL
Yeah, I-
Suddenly FELLATIO NELSON rises up out of a trapdoor on the floor.
LUAKEL
Hello sailor!
FELLATIO
Hey, that’s my line!
OTHNIEL
What are you doing here?
FELLATIO
Looking for Kit.
He went off after Leo…
(looks a bit jealous)
And I haven’t seen him since.
LUAKEL
Well, we’re looking for Leo…
FELLATIO
(leering)
Think we might find the two of them together?
OTHNIEL, muttering to himself, grabs a Gideon’s Bible out of his pocket
and begins smearing the pages all over his forehead as though they
dispense sunblock.
LUAKEL
Wait! Look at this!
LUAKEL bends down and finds a trail of brown fur.
LUAKEL
Leo must have been changing back from a bear!
All we have to do is follow the trail…
OTHNIEL
Genius!
The three of them start following the trail.
INT. – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY
LUAKEL is bending down and looking at the trail, while OTHNIEL is looking
suspiciously at FELLATIO. We focus on LUAKEL’s face, and then, from the
depths of the background, we hear…
GERMAN-ACCENTED MEDLEY
…Under my command and in accordance with my general directives the
commanders in chief of the three branches of the Wehrmacht will direct the
operations of their forces employed in the operation…
LUAKEL
Oh no…
MEDLEY
…The operation will be given the designation…
LUAKEL
It’s going to kill!
FELLATIO
Pardon?
LUAKEL runs along the trail, the voices echoing in his head. OTHNIEL and
FELLATIO glance at each other, then pursue him.
INT. – CORRIDOR – NEAR CUPBOARDS – DAY
LUAKEL shakes his head in sudden pain as they reach a pair of large broom
cupboards next to each other. We hear a rumble from one of the cupboards,
then silence. The trail of fur leads right to it.
LUAKEL
L-Leo?
FELLATIO
Kit?
LUAKEL nervously opens the cupboard door. It creaks open, light floods in…
LUAKEL
Oh no!
In the middle of the cupboard are two statues, their eyes spinning around
in a Stoned motion. One is KIT, wearing black leather bondage gear and in
the act of lurching towards LEO, while LEO is the second, having
constructed a rudimentary defensive pike out of a broom handle and written
Mandaic letters all along it for luck.
But both of them are Stoned.
FELLATIO
Kit! Kit! Who did this to you?
(FELLATIO grabs KIT’s rigid Stoned form)
I bet it was that Sudanases bastard Floid!
(on the verge of tears)
What sort of monster would pervert the
qualities of being long and hard to…this!
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL look away, embarrassed.
OTHNIEL
Poor Leo…
But who COULD have done this?
VOICE
Indeed!
From the other broom cupboard, THANDE suddenly leaps out. His dramatic
entrance is somewhat spoiled by the fact that the cupboard door, being on
a spring entry, rebounds from the wall, swings back around and hits him in
the face.
THANDE
Ouch!
The door slowly swings open again – LUAKEL and OTHNIEL try to stifle
laughs – and THANDE is left there, rubbing his reddened nose.
THANDE
Dammit!
(waves Podder at nose)
Unruberus Nasalus!
THANDE’s nose goes back to normal. Everyone listens carefully.
OTHNIEL
Well it wasn’t MrP, anyway,
or he’d be near enough for us
to hear his GAHHH!
THANDE
(smirking)
So, Commer.
This time I find you in the act!
LUAKEL
That’s hardly fair – I mean, it could
have been Fellatio or Othniel…
FELLATIO/OTHNIEL
(simultaneously)
Yeah sir / He’s got a point…
(pause, then simultaneously)
HEY!!!
LUAKEL
For that matter, sir, what were YOU
doing here?
THANDE
(with dignity)
If you must know, I was expanding
my collection of dust bunnies.
THANDE self-consciously tucks a matchbox back into his pocket.
THANDE
Now, I will finally be able to prove that-
FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
And here you will see the very fine water
fountain that, in my student days, I used
to great effect in pleasuring two delightful
Asian ladies with unfeasibly large assets…
THANDE
(slapping his forehead)
Why?! WHY?!!!
DOCTOR WHAT enters, leading a party of students from all Houses including
GBW, who gives LUAKEL and OTHNIEL a dirty look.
DOCTOR WHAT
(eyes miles away)
Ah, memories…
(focuses on THANDE)
What is it, Blameius?
THANDE
(stabbing finger at LUAKEL)
Bruno-us, Commer has finally been
caught red-handed in the act of Stoning!
DOCTOR WHAT surveys the situation.
DOCTOR WHAT
This is bad.
But of course it couldn’t be Commer.
(smiles)
Why would he Stone his own friend, Leo Caesius?
THANDE
(scowling)
To save him from an attack by Mr Jed
of House Fudgepacker here?
DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t be silly, Blameius, Luaky is far too
liberal to even think of doing such a thing.
(rolls his eyes)
Go back to your chemistry.
THANDE, muttering to himself, departs.
GBW
(sotto voce to other Miseryguts)
Typical – What wouldn’t convict Commer
if he had a bloodstained glove – it’s time
to get my father to ask for an investigation
by the Department.
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL shoot each other worried looks.
INT. – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – NIGHT
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are lying on their bunks. As we watch, OTHNIEL pulls
out a spliff and lights it, puffing smoke up towards the ceiling. LUAKEL
gives him an edgy look.
OTHNIEL
Come on, Luaky.
We need to forget our grief.
Leo…
LUAKEL nods in reluctant agreement, as OTHNIEL dazedly stares at the
ceiling.
OTHNIEL
That crack in the plaster…
That’s quite interesting.
I could stare at that for hours…
LUAKEL searches through his rucksack and pulls out the doobie from
earlier. He strikes a match and lights it.
In the background, we see the door to the trunk open, revealing that
MICHAEL and PSYCHO are sharing tankards of retsina with STIRLING, while a
bruised-looking FAEELIN is groaning at the bottom.
PSYCHO
And then he eats his own mother?
STIRLING
On Mother’s Day for irony.
MICHAEL
Great!
And what’s the bad guy like?
LUAKEL shakes his head, puts the doobie to his lips and smokes it.
Multicoloured smoke spills from the tip.
We focus on LUAKEL’s eyes as they begin to spin around, and then the
world around him begins to melt away…
LUAKEL
WTF?!!
The dormitory fades and he finds himself in…
INT. – CORRIDOR – STRANGE
LUAKEL looks around. It seems to be a normal AH.com corridor, but as
though seen through a filter. Everything is in shades of green or black.
It hurts the eyes.
LUAKEL
Yuck! Looks like Chingo’s forum!
LUAKEL turns around, and finds himself face to face with…
…a sixteen year old Miseryguts student in an archaic uniform (with
blazer, boater, etc.) He’s dressed in a goth- or emo-like fashion
and has scrawled a pentagram on his forehead in red crayon, although owing
to a slight miscalculation with a set square, it’s actually a hexagram.
He’s also staring straight through LUAKEL as though he isn’t there.
Everything is still surreally in shades of green and black, except LUAKEL
himself who is in full colour.
LUAKEL
Er…hello?
The TEEN ignores him and then steps straight through him. LUAKEL gasps but
feels nothing as the insubstantial form goes past. LUAKEL turns and runs
after the retreating figure.
LUAKEL
Are you a ghost?
(stops, thinks with worried expression)
Or am I?
LUAKEL shakes his head and follows.
They go along a corridor and past several windows. LUAKEL looks out of
one. The whole landscape around the AH.com castle is in shades of green
and black, but it looks strangely…wrong in a more subtle way. LUAKEL
shakes his head and continues after the TEEN, but then stops with a start
when he sees a large wall clock and calendar.
LUAKEL
1942?!!!
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – GREEN/BLACK
Looking down on the AH.com castle as though in a helicopter, everything
still green/black. As we watch, a P-40 Mustang shoots past, but is blasted
out of the air by a more advanced-looking fighter piloted by a short
reptilian figure with swivelling eye turrets.
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDOR – GREEN/BLACK
LUAKEL squints at the clock/calendar a bit harder.
LUAKEL
Oh, that’s the time. Nearly quarter to eight.
The date is…
(blinks)
1979??!
EXT. – AH.COM CASTLE – GREEN/BLACK
A PILOT bails out of the burning P-40 and deploys his parachute, on which
is a logo and the words ‘US AIRFORCE WW2 MEMORIAL FLIGHT’. He shakes
his fist at the passing Lizard aircraft, but then the Lizards are in turn
blasted out of the air by a passing F-4 Phantom piloted by someone with a
giant afro. The two PILOTs grin and give each other thumbs-ups.
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDOR – G/B
LUAKEL shakes his head and follows the TEEN again. He has reached a
familiar-looking corridor. It is, in fact, where the entrance to DOCTOR
WHAT’s office is.
But things are different. Instead of the statue of a woman with her legs
open, there’s a strange tunnel lined with jungle vegetation and odd
animal noises coming from it. The TEEN, obviously used to all this, picks
up a shotgun and a machete from a nearby table and begins thrashing his
way through the jungle. LUAKEL looks at the weapons distastefully, but
when he tries to pick one up, his hand just passes through it anyway.
LUAKEL
Well at least that’s not a problem…
LUAKEL finds he can just run straight through the intangible vegetation.
He stays with the TEEN as he reaches the bottom of the staircase, then
goes up to the OFFICE.
INT. – HEADMASTER’S OFFICE – G/B
The office looks quite different to how it did when LUAKEL saw the 2006
version. There are no portraits of DOCTOR WHAT or strange sex-related
gadgets anywhere, and no Sphynx. Instead there are pump-action shotguns,
more jungle knives of various types, and bits of shot-down aircraft
wreckage with fat red and gold stars on it.
Sitting behind the desk is a man who looks rather like Qui-Gon Jinn. The
name plate on the desk reveals that he is SIONEWIG. Behind him on the
wall, there are photos of him posing with NORBERT, OPERATIONGREEN,
GRAEBARDE and – LUAKEL double-takes – WARD on a smoke-strewn jungle
battlefield.
SIONEWIG looks up as the TEEN enters.
SIONEWIG
Ah, Mr.
…Agentdark…
How good to see you,
particularly in these difficult times.
LUAKEL blinks in confusion. Something funny is going on.
AGENTDARK
(for it is he)
Thank you, sir.
SIONEWIG
Not at all. I was speaking to the
Secretary of the Department just the other
day, and your name happened to come up.
…Francois Agentdark…
-I said, is one of my finest students.
AGENTDARK
I am glad you think so, sir.
(hesitates)
So are you willing to grant my request?
SIONEWIG
(avoids his gaze)
It’s not safe-
…Frankie…
-a boy has died. This could be the
end of AH.com. And can you imagine
the PR disaster if it came out that I was
allowing a boy to remain HERE over the
vacation period?
AGENTDARK
(angrily)
I would rather take my chances here
than go back to that Siberian gulag!
SIONEWIG
Ah yes…
(looks through some papers)
You were an orphan, weren’t you?
Raised by a certain Trotlenstalinsky
Hostel in Czaritsyn…
AGENTDARK
I wouldn’t go back to there for
all the timelines in the multiverse!
SIONEWIG
(sighs)
But, you see,
…Frankie…
-I have no choice.
Unless of course…
(gives him a sideways glance)
we can catch the culprit behind
the boy’s murder?
AGENTDARK looks thoughtful. He exchanges pleasantries with SIONEWIG and
then turns and leaves. LUAKEL follows.
INT. – AH.COM – CORRIDORS
AGENTDARK, a purposeful expression on his face, strides along several
corridors and down staircases, always going down, down, down. LUAKEL
struggles to keep up, but then AGENTDARK runs into another figure…
LUAKEL blinks. It’s a much younger DOCTOR WHAT, wearing a massive afro
and headband, sunglasses, golden flares, a Hawaiian T-shirt, and sandals.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey,
…Frankie…
my man, how’s it hanging down
on Planet Square?
AGENTDARK
(looking annoyed)
Not well.
DOCTOR WHAT
You reach, Herbert.
(eyeing him)
Did Headmaster Ewig turn down
your application?
AGENTDARK
(angrily)
What if he did?
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiles in a faintly high fashion)
Peace and love, man. Peace and love.
The only way any of us will be sticking
around much longer is if they catch whoever
opened the Chamber of Sikh Ritz.
AGENTDARK
My thinking exactly…
DOCTOR WHAT gives him a rather suspicious look, then turns and glides
away. AGENTDARK shakes his head, then continues down, down, down. LUAKEL
follows, until-
INT. – AH.COM – BASEMENT
It’s a dank, cold basement, not unlike the Miseryguts common room we saw
before, but deserted. Cobwebs are everywhere, some of them very large.
LUAKEL shivers, but follows AGENTDARK in.
There’s a silhouetted figure, large and broad, in the middle of the
dimly lit basement. A massive cage is next to him.
FIGURE
(Australian accent)
Ah, it’s you
…Francois.…
I didn’t think you’d be here…
AGENTDARK
(firmly)
It’s got to stop, David.
A boy has died.
Your little friend will have to be
put down and that’s an end to it.
FIGURE
(distraught)
No! No!
He wouldn’t hurt a fly!
(pauses)
Well, okay, he would hurt a fly.
But he never killed that boy!
AGENTDARK
You’re delusional!
I’m going to take matters into my own hands!
AGENTDARK rushes forward and knocks the cage over. Something enormous
emerges from it and skitters over the floor, making a clicking sound.
AGENTDARK raises his Podder.
AGENTDARK
ISOTUS EX DRAKAVERSUS-
But AGENTDARK is leapt on by the burly figure, who knocks him to the
ground. The Podder goes off and vanishes a section of wall, missing the…whatever
it is. The burst of light throws AGENTDARK’s furious face into sharp
relief, and also the FIGURE’s…
AGENTDARK
(screaming)
YOU FOOL, DMA!
YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING!
And then the whole scene dissolves into a cloud of smoke…
INT. – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – DAY
As before, all in full colour.
LUAKEL suddenly wakes up with a shock, still holding the doobie. Around
him, OTHNIEL, PSYCHO, MICHAEL and THERMO are all still stoned out of their
heads.
LUAKEL
Oth!
OTHNIEL
(woozily)
Yeah?
LUAKEL
Oth, I don’t believe it, but it’s true.
It was DMA!
DMA opened the Chamber of Sikh Ritz!
Off everyone’s horrified expressions…
EXT. – OUTSIDE AH.COM – NIGHT
OTHNIEL and LUAKEL are both walking down the path toward DMA’s cave.
OTHNIEL
I can’t believe it.
DMA might keep a few dangerous pets,
but surely he would let someone be killed…
LUAKEL
(grimly)
Maybe whoever it was was doing an
impression of President Bush and he just
lost all control…
OTHNIEL nods reluctantly.
They reach the cave. LUAKEL absurdly attempts to knock on a nonexistent
door, then walks in.
INT. – DMA’S CAVE – NIGHT
The cave is lit by a series of football stadium spotlights. As we saw in
the last film, all the furniture is made up of sixpacks of Australian
lager taped together into the shapes of chairs and tables.
DMA is sitting in the centre of the room on one of these chairs, his eyes
blank and his hands shaking.
LUAKEL
(uncertainly)
DMA?
DMA
(leaping up)
Luaky! Oth!
You shouldn’t have come!
(sits down again slowly)
Throw another shrimp on the barbie.
They’re coming for me!
LUAKEL
Who are?
DMA
The Secretary’s men!
They’re going to take me to the
AH Prison in Azerbaijan!
Only Confederate victory timelines
to read, three times a day!
(he holds back tears)
OTHNIEL
(white-faced)
Not Azerbaijan!
Not the prison who has terrible guards who all
the cast will conveniently only refer to as ‘the
Azerbaijan guards’ until they actually appear in
the third film and then we will all use their real
name for no obvious reason?
DMA
Yes!!
LUAKEL
I’m sure there’s something we can do-
DMA
Doctor What’s done everything he could.
But it’s out of his hands now…
We hear someone else attempting to ‘knock’ on the nonexistent door.
DMA
They’re here!
Quickly, hide!
LUAKEL and OTH glance at each other, then dive behind a crate of beer.
Just in time. Three figures emerge from the cave mouth. They are DOCTOR
WHAT, GRIMM REAPER, and the Secretary for Althistorical Affairs,
MR_BONDOC.
DOCTOR WHAT
(gentle but grim)
DMA.
DMA
(shakily)
I’m here, sir.
GRIMM REAPER
(smiling in delight)
But not for much longer…
MR_BONDOC
(thoughtfully)
Some Points To Consider…
Consider that we’re going to take you
away and lock you up now for ages.
Consider that I’m not going to be moved
by any argument against it.
Consider-
DOCTOR WHAT
(cutting him off)
Yes, yes.
(to DMA)
Listen, I’m going to do everything I
can to clear your name.
They won’t get away with this.
GRIMM REAPER
(scoffing)
How noble.
MR_BONDOC
How About This…
You come with us now or I’ll
sic the ‘Azerbaijan Guards’ on you.
DMA
No! Not Azerbaijan!
GRIMM REAPER
(smiling)
Oh yes.
DMA gets nervously to his feet.
DMA
(apparently addressing the air)
Well if anyone wanted to know
the truth behind all this, all they would
have to do is follow the Google Spides.
Tight on – LUAKEL and OTHNIEL hiding behind the beer crate – they look
at each other and nod.
MR_BONDOC
Here’s One Idea…
Why not stop saying cryptic clues
and come with us before I call the guards?
DMA
Okay, okay! Strewth, mate!
DMA and MR_BONDOC leave, but DOCTOR WHAT and GRIMM REAPER are left,
confronting each other.
DOCTOR WHAT
I mean what I say.
GRIMM REAPER
You had better hope that he IS guilty,
Bruno-us…or I will use my influence
to have you suspended as Headmaster
altogether.
DOCTOR WHAT
I see.
(also apparently addressing the air)
But even if I go, I will always be there
for those who remember my catchphrase.
GRIMM REAPER
(sneering)
How touching.
DOCTOR WHAT
Close, but no cigar.
DOCTOR WHAT leaves; GRIMM REAPER pauses, opening and closing his mouth for
a moment, then follows.
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL rise from behind the beer crate.
LUAKEL
Poor DMA. But at least he
told us what to do.
OTHNIEL
(nervously)
I don’t like Google Spiders…
LUAKEL
Who does? But we’ve got to
do it, to save old DMA.
OTHNIEL
(steeling himself)
You’re right.
Let’s drink to it.
They both rip a can out of the beer crate, clank them together and drink
them down. Then LUAKEL catches something out of the corner of his eye…
A trail of tiny GOOGLE SPIDERS, looking like ordinary spiders but in
bright primary colours and with the Google logo daubed on their back. They
are marching in a line, out of the cave and toward…
OTHNIEL
(gulps)
The Inadvisable Copse?!!
LUAKEL
Got to be done, mate.
Into the woods we go!
They get up and go out of the cave, pushing nervously through the dark
trees.
EXT. – INADVISABLE COPSE – NIGHT
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL struggle through the increasingly thick pine trees,
shivering from the cold. In the background, we hear the occasional hoot of
an owl and other, unplaceable howls. The trees are so thick that the
darkness is almost absolute, and glimpses of the star-pocked night sky are
few and far between.
LUAKEL
I wish I had one of SionEwig’s machetes…
OTHNIEL
Pardon?
LUAKEL
Oh, nothing…
They continue driving forward. LUAKEL stops, bends down and then watches a
stream of Google Spiders – now many more than before as the various
groups join together, and the spiders themselves include larger ones the
size of human hands. The Google Spiders continue to move purposefully in a
single direction. OTHNIEL shudders.
OTHNIEL
Ugh. We’re going into a deep dark
mysterious forest
infested with giant spiders…
LUAKEL
Yeah…
(looks thoughtful)
Hang on a moment…
LUAKEL stands up, pulls out his Podder and waves it.
LUAKEL
Detectus Shamelessus Ripoffius!
He draws a line of light in the air and it forms an arrow pointing in one
direction. He and OTHNIEL follow it, then break into a clearing.
From the other side of the clearing emerges a party of 14 thirsty-looking
dwarves and a hobbit.
HOBBIT
Scuse me – White Cliffs of Erebor?
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL glance at each other for a moment, then both point to
their left.
HOBBIT
(nodding)
Thank you.
The DWARVES and HOBBIT leave in that direction. LUAKEL shakes his head at
OTHNIEL.
They follow the spiders across the clearing and into the forest again –
spiders the size of dogs have joined them now – and then finally they
break into a second, larger, deeper, darker clearing…
And in the centre of it is a GIANT GOOGLE SPIDER.
Which speaks in a breathy, electronic voice.
THELONEAMIGO
(for it is he)
Who is that? DMA, is that you?
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are standing before THELONEAMIGO, surrounded by smaller
Google Spiders. OTHNIEL keeps looking around with a fearful expression on
his face.
LUAKEL
We’re – uh – friends of DMA’s!
THELONEAMIGO
DMA’s Friends not found.
Did you mean: DMA’s Mates
OTHNIEL
Err – yes.
THELONEAMIGO
The following results were found.
LUAKEL
Errr – good.
THELONEAMIGO
What is you purpose in coming here?
LUAKEL
They’ve taken DMA away to Azerbaijan!
THELONEAMIGO
(angrily)
Azerbaijan! The one nation that my
search engines cannot reach!
OTHNIEL
They say that he opened the
Chamber of Sikh Ritz in 1979
and now he’s done it again.
THELONEAMIGO
Negative! Item not found!
(sighs heavily)
I was framed. They said I was
the Beast that killed that boy.
I was not. DMA kept me in
a cage in the basement and I was
never in the girls’ toilets…
LUAKEL
(puzzled expression)
But…if it wasn’t you…then what was this Beast?
THELONEAMIGO
I will not speak the name!
Such things should not be indexed!
(shudders)
Horrific thing.
OTHNIEL
Oh. Well that’s most neighbourly of
you but we’ll have to be going now.
THELONEAMIGO
I think not. You have trespassed into
my Domain. You shall be reindexed.
Resistance is futile.
We…are…feeling…lucky.
All the GOOGLE SPIDERS draw nearer to LUAKEL and OTHNIEL, their mandibles
snapping.
LUAKEL
Oh, crap!
OTHNIEL
(very rapidly)
Ourfatherwhoartinheavenhallowedbethyname-
Suddenly, we hear the roar of an engine. A massive shadowy shape dives
down through the forest canopy and blazes away with twin machineguns at
the Google Spider horde. Google Spiders are sent flying, shot to pieces,
metallic legs and thoraxes going everywhere.
OTHNIEL
(whoops)
It’s the Plane!
The Plane makes another run, all by itself, and then lands in front of
them. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL dive in and it immediately takes off again, a few
Google Spiders trying to latch onto its wheels, but rapidly falling off.
THELONEAMIGO shakes all eight of his fists at the retreating Plane.
INT. – PLANE – COCKPIT – NIGHT
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are both lying in the back of the cockpit. The Plane
continues to fly itself.
LUAKEL
How’s it doing that?
Is it a feature that your dad installed?
OTHNIEL
Not to my knowledge.
I think I just left a packet of
sherbert lemons in the glove compartment
last Easter and it’s since mutated into
a sentient life form.
LUAKEL
(nods)
I see.
(pause)
Um…do you think it will take your orders?
OTHNIEL
Well, I am its creator…
OTHNIEL winds down the partition to reveal that a strange humanoid shape
made of hundreds of fused-together sherbert lemons is sitting in the
front.
OTHNIEL
Excuse me-
SHERBERT LEMON CREATURE
(speaking in hundreds of high voices)
Aaagh! It is the fabled creator!
This contradicts the ineluctable
historical dialectic that states that
religion is merely the opiate of the masses!
We must destroy the evidence!
The SHERBERT LEMON CREATURE hits a button on the dashboard and LUAKEL and
OTHNIEL are blasted out of the Plane on ejector seats.
EXT. – ABOVE AH.COM CASTLE – NIGHT
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are both falling through the air towards the hard stone
courtyard. The Plane, behind them, flies off into the sunset.
OTHNIEL
Damned Communist sherbert lemons!
That’s the last time I buy cheap
confectionary exports from North Korea!
LUAKEL
Erm – yes. Shall we do something about
our impending horrific deaths?
OTHNIEL
Why not?
LUAKEL
(waving his Podder)
Marius Poppinsus!
LUAKEL’s Podder turns into an umbrella, which unfurls and allows him to
glide down safely.
OTHNIEL
(copying him)
Marius Poppinsus!
OTHNIEL’s taped-together Podder sparks and malfunctions. Instead, his
Podder turns into a spoonful of sugar, which then attempts to stick itself
down his throat.
OTHNIEL
Arrrgaarrgaargh!
LUAKEL
Don’t worry Oth!
(waves Podder again)
Creatius A-us Rudimentarius Enginius
Thattus Runsus Onnus Sugarus!
INT. – MrP’s BEDROOM – NIGHT
MrP is thrashing as though in a nightmare, then suddenly sits upright,
wild-eyed.
MrP
(long, echoey)
GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
In the background, we see the shape of OTHNIEL go shooting past MrP’s
window.
EXT. – ABOVE AH.COM CASTLE – NIGHT
A bolt of light is emitted from LUAKEL’s Podder and wraps itself around
OTHNIEL’s spoonful of sugar. It creates an engine which runs on sugar,
powering helicopter blades that mercifully lower OTHNIEL safely to the
ground, LUAKEL beside him.
OTHNIEL
Phew, that was a close one.
LUAKEL
You’ll have to get a new Podder mate.
OTHNIEL
I know, I know.
I’ll just wait until the end of this film
because I have a feeling that it may feature
in an important plot point.
LUAKEL nods in understanding.
LUAKEL
Come on – let’s get back to the dorm before
Floid catches us out late at night.
OTHNIEL nods. They both walk away across the courtyard. Pan across to
where FLOID, leaning out of a window, has a telescope apparently pointed
at them. He scowls and taps the side of the telescope.
FLOID
(muttering)
Get out of the way, you mumbling mutters…
LUAKEL and OTHNIEL move past, revealing KILNGIRL’s bedroom window. FLOID
giggles in a Sid James way as KILNGIRL makes a movement that at first
looks as though she is about to undress; then she makes a lightning grab
for her holster, pulls out a long-barrelled pistol equipped with a
silencer, aims it right at FLOID, winks coquettishly and fires.
Cue an unnecessarily long special effects sequence which is very obviously
ripped off the Matrix and follows the bullet spinning through the air. In
slow motion, it smashes through the lens of FLOID’s telescope, slows
down as it rattles around through the tube, then finally bursts through
the other end and hits FLOID between the eyes with just enough force to
lay him flat on his back with crossed eyes and a dazed expression.
FLOID
(drunkenly)
God I love that woman.
[b]INT. – AH.COM – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – MORNING
OTHNIEL is yawning and getting up. MICHAEL and PSYCHO are sharing a full
English breakfast; PSYCHO keeps offering to put tomato sauce on top of
everything and MICHAEL keeps refusing. THERMO, in the background,is eating
a Swiss Roll, but pauses to cross out the word ‘Swiss’ and write ‘Cherokee-speaking
Tibetan colony in Australia’, then smiles to himself.
LUAKEL, however, looks pensive.
LUAKEL
There’s something here we’re missing. But what?
MICHAEL
Sex, booze, a life?
PSYCHO
Don’t the first two naturally
lead to the third?
MICHAEL
Not according to my latest research.
(thoughtfully)
I could expound it to you in a detailed
powerpoint presentation, but on reflection
I think it’sless effort for me to hit you
over the head with this dinner tray.
MICHAEL does so, sending sauce bottles, fried tomatoes and slices of black
pudding everywhere. PSYCHO slumps down onto his plate and almost drowns in
a sea of brown sauce. A large sausage dings THERMO on one ear, a fried egg
on the other. He looks up in anger, but then rubs his greasy ears in
thought.
THERMO
Greasy Ears…
(snaps fingers)
Grecian Eire!
THERMO smiles and begins jotting it down.
LUAKEL
Anyway, as I was saying…
OTHNIEL
I’m not seeing it, Luaky.
(sighs)
I think we’d better go down
to sickbay and see how Leo’s
doing.
LUAKEL
Okay.
The two of them leave, OTHNIEL tripping over the prone form of PSYCHO as
they do; MICHAEL nods approvingly. THERMO is busy creating a flag for
Irish Greece using only mustard, ketchup and fried bread.
THERMO
Now what can I use for blue…
MICHAEL
Well, if we feed Psycho enough blueberries…
THERMO
I like the way you think.
__________________
Read: The Blade and the Cross
 
|
