LUAKY
COMMER
and the Chamber of Sikh Ritz

Story by Luak Ferguson

EXT. – LUAKEL’S HOUSE – SUBURBAN STREET – DAY

The camera pans down the street, Harry Turtledove playing a repetitive tune on a glockenspiel in a background, and we zoom through a window into:

INT. – LUAKEL’S BEDROOM

LUAKEL is sitting on his bed reading a textbook labelled "Maps Maps and More Maps, by J. Diamond." We get a glimpse of what’s inside and notice that the amazingly detailed maps are animated, showing shifting fronts in conflict etc. The one he is looking at depicts Europe in an alternate WW1. Despite this, LUAKEL seems bored, or distracted. He shuts the book with a snap and walks off to the other side of the room.

Pan down to the book, which appears to be twitching. Suddenly we hear tiny, rather tinny voices emanating from it:

KAISER WILHELM II
Mein Gott! Russia is now above us!
(simultaneously)
TSAR NICHOLAS II
Bozhemoi! The sky is Germany!

KAISER WILHELM II
Still, no worries, since we’re allies.

TSAR NICHOLAS II
Da. No reason not to keep fighting
the Anglo-Franco-Austrian Entente!

The camera pans away from the book and we find LUAKEL sitting down at a small desk, boredly clicking at a Blackberry, which keeps showing: NO NEW MESSAGES.

LUAKEL
Bugger this for a game of soldiers.
(sighs)
As Kit and Fell would say.

We hear loud steps from outside and the door swings open. It is WARD.

WARD
(at length)
LU-AKY COM-MER!
GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, BOY!

LUAKEL
(sighing)
Coming, Uncle Ward.

INT. – LUAKEL’S HOUSE – KITCHEN

WARD and LUAKEL walk into the kitchen to find that CHINGO360 is putting the finishing touches on a huge, delicious-looking cake shaped like a map of New Granada.

CHINGO360
yay! finished!
just in time for the mosaic earth meeting tonight!

WARD looks on proudly and ruffles CHINGO360’s hair affectionately.

WARD
Well done, boy.
The use of the glacier cherries as aircraft carriers
sets off the whipped cream Cuba nicely.
You’ve done me proud.
(glares at LUAKEL)
Unlike some.

LUAKEL
What have I done now?

WARD
Nothing, which is how I like it.
(nods upstairs)
Now get back into your bedroom and stay there!
I don’t want you embarrassing us in front of
the Mosaic Earth Grandmasters!

LUAKEL
But I played against them-
And I was already in my room anyway-
(sighs)
Yes, uncle.

LUAKEL trudges away. WARD gives the cake another look, then looks around at the banners CHINGO360 has put up showing various Mosaic Earth nation flags. He nods in satisfaction.

INT. – LUAKEL’S BEDROOM

As before – or is it?

LUAKEL steps into his bedroom, shuts the door behind him, and sits down on his bed with a sigh, then turns around to go back to his book.

And is suddenly face to face with a small, big-nosed, bat-eared, goblin-like creature.

LUAKEL
Argh!

CREATURE
woh! lauyk cmomre!
waht a honnor, u fcukin crakchead!

LUAKEL
Pardon?
(shakes his head)
Who are you, anyway?

CREATURE
i radical_neutural, you fcukin crakchead.
radical_neutural teh hosue-troll.

LUAKEL
I see.
(pause)
Look, this isn’t the best time for me to
have a…house-troll in my bedroom.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
but radical_neutural has cmoe to wran u!
its diccifult to konw hwer to bgin…

LUAKEL
All right. Sit down and we’ll talk.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(bursts into tears)
radical_neutural hsa nevre bin ofred
to sit dwon wiht a true althistorian
as an euqal!

LUAKEL
(tuts)
You can’t have met many good althistorians then.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
Too ture..
(pause, horrified look in eyes)
ho siht.
(begins banging his head on the floor)
bad raddy! bad raddy!

INT. – LUAKEL’S HOUSE – DINING ROOM

WARD is welcoming the Mosaic Earth Grandmasters – AUSSEY, GLEN and REFORMER – and CHINGO360 is showing them to their seats around a massive table, on which is a board game-like Mosaic Earth set.

REFORMER
Hello-

WARD
Hello-

GLEN
(shouting)
NO CLAIMING!

REFORMER
(wearily)
I wasn’t claiming…

GLEN
Yeah, right.
(taps nose)
I’m wise to you.
No claiming anything yet.
(winks)
Especially in South America.

AUSSEY
Oh, in that case I claim the United Kingdom
of Louisiana and the Netherlands under the
benevolent rule of the Zoroastrian Queen Alicia I.

GLEN
I said NO claiming!

AUSSEY
But-

We suddenly hear RADICAL_NEUTURAL banging his head on the ceiling above. Dust and flakes of plaster drift down, interrupting the grandmasters’ argument. WARD’s expression darkens.

REFORMER
What’s that?

WARD
Uhh…ASBs in the plumbing.

REFORMER
(sympathetically)
Been there.

INT. – LUAKEL’S BEDROOM

RADICAL_NEUTURAL gets up, looking dazed. LUAKEL’s expression wars between amused, worried and angry.

LUAKEL
Are you all right?
What was all that about?

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
radical_neutural had to pnuish hismelf sir.
radical_neutural alsmost sopke il of ihs fmaily.

LUAKEL
(puzzled)
Your family?

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
teh Althistorian fmaily taht radical_neutural sreves.
hosue-trolls are buond to sreve oen fmaily forveer.
if tehy evar new radical_neutural wsa her…

RADICAL_NEUTURAL shudders in fear, then looks up urgently.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
but radical_neutural had to cum.
wran luayk cmomer!

LUAKEL
Warn me what?

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
luaky commer msut NOT reutrn to
AH.com tihs yaer!

LUAKEL
(appalled)
Not go back? But I have to!
There’s nothing for me here,
what with Uncle Ward and Chingo…

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
tehre is a polt ahand to mkae terrribble
tihngs hapen at AH.com. luakyk cmommer
wlil be in garve dagner.
(pause, then speaks in breathy voice)
IF YOU GO TO AH.COM, YOU WILL DIE…

LUAKEL
Stop it! I don’t even watch Babylon 5!
(pause)
What plot? Who’s plotting it?

RADICAL_NEUTURAL adopts an agonised expression, then claps his hand around his own mouth, mumbles through it and begins banging his head on the floor again.

LUAKEL
Okay – okay – you can’t say. Stop. Stop!

INT. – LUAKEL’S HOUSE – DINING ROOM

WARD, CHINGO360 and the Mosaic Earth grandmasters are all around the table, playing Mosaic Earth, drinking port and smoking cigars (except CHINGO360). We hear more banging and mumbling from upstairs. WARD pulls his chair back angrily.

REFORMER
ASBs again?

WARD
Maybe. I’ll give ’em a piece of my mind!

WARD exits, pausing to pick up a shotgun leaning against the wall. The Mosaic Earthers shrug at each other.

REFORMER
Good old Ward. He’ll sort it out.

GLEN
I don’t know – the solution to every problem
isn’t to shoot it.

AUSSEY
(enthusiastically)
No, what he should do is convert to
Jainism, have a sex change op and then
become Queen of all the ASBs so there
is peace and prosperity forever!

GLEN
(quietly)
Aussey?

AUSSEY
Yes?

GLEN
Shut up.

While the two are arguing, REFORMER quietly moves his pieces across the board in the background, defeating the United Kingdom of Wherever and the Republic of New Granada.

INT. – LUAKEL’S BEDROOM

As before.

LUAKEL
Stop! Stop!

We hear footsteps again, and WARD enters, brandishing his shotgun. WARD looks around wildly – LUAKEL follows his gaze – but RADICAL_NEUTURAL seems to have vanished.

WARD
What the devil are you playing at, boy!
You just nearly caused an international incident!

Sound from downstairs of AUSSEY and GLEN strangling REFORMER.

WARD
Scrub nearly.
(glares at LUAKEL)
One more strike and that’s it, got it?

LUAKEL
But-

WARD
(waving shotgun)
Ah?

LUAKEL
(sullenly)
Yes uncle.

WARD leaves, muttering under his breath. LUAKEL looks from side to side, then slowly his gaze drifts upwards…

RADICAL_NEUTURAL drops onto the bed again, letting go of the light fitting.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ho siht! i tihnk i got eceltrocruted!
(happily)
but at laest tahts enuf pnusihment nwo!

LUAKEL
(angrily)
You see why I’ve got to go back to AH.com now?
Look what I’ve got here!
AH.com is the only place where I’ve got friends.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(slyly glancing at Blackberry)
freinds who dnot writ to lukay commmer?

LUAKEL
Why-
(suspicious pause)
How did you know that??

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(guiltily)
uh-

LUAKEL
(furious)
Have you been deleting my emails?!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
do not eb agnry, lauky cmoer!
radical_neutural tought taht if
luaayk cmommemer thught ihs
freinds ahd fgorteen ihm, he wuold
not go bakc to AH.com!

LUAKEL grabs his Blackberry and takes a threatening step towards RADICAL_NEUTURAL, who recoils.

LUAKEL
Give me my emails back! Now!

The frightened RADICAL_NEUTURAL dashes between LUAKEL’s legs and out of the door. LUAKEL sighs, steels himself, and follows.

INT. – STAIRS/HALLWAY/KITCHEN/DINING ROOM

A high-speed pell mell chase as LUAKEL races after RADICAL_NEUTURAL, who poings from wall to wall like a ping pong ball. Down the stairs, through the hallway, into the kitchen…

LUAKEL suddenly pulls to a stop as RADICAL_NEUTURAL, waving his hands in a certain way, makes the huge New Granada-shaped cake levitate and float into the dining room, where it hovers above the Mosaic Earthers’ heads, unbeknownst to them.

LUAKEL
Radical! No!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
sya ur not giong back to AH.com!

LUAKEL
(desperately)
I can’t! AH.com is my home!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
tehn radical_neutural wlil jsut hav
to mak sur lauyk cmomer wlil
not be tkaen bakc!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL snaps his fingers. LUAKEL instinctively lunges first for RADICAL_NEUTURAL, then for the cake, but it’s too late. The cake crashes down on top of the Mosaic Earthers, ruining the game and covering them all in whipped cream and glacier cherry CVBGs.

WARD rises in fury, looking like the Abominable Snowman as he is coated in ice cream. Behind him, we see REFORMER thoughtfully sucking on his chocolate-coated fingers, then picks up a bit of icing with a border still visible on it and eats it. GLEN watches angrily.

GLEN
So now you’re going to LITERALLY eat up New Granada?!

REFORMER
No! I-

GLEN
Claim this!

GLEN decks REFORMER with a left hook, then slips on the whipped cream as he follows through, spins around, and bashes his temple on the table as he falls.

AUSSEY picks up some scattered chunks of cake, and eats them one by one, with a thoughtful, measuring expression on his face.

AUSSEY
(as he eats each chunk)
Mm, tasty…tasty…tasty…
(sudden horrified pause)
That last piece…

He raises it to his eye and we see, on the icing, the words: …EPUBLIC OF…

AUSSEY
Gah! I’m poisoned!

AUSSEY faints.

Meanwhile, WARD is brandishing his shotgun at LUAKEL, but his ice creamy hands mean that the gun keeps slipping out of one and falling into the other. RADICAL_NEUTURAL seems to have vanished.

WARD
(soft, quiet, deadly)
What…have you got to say for yourself?

LUAKEL
Er-

We hear a beep from his pocket. NEW MESSAGE RECEIVED.

WARD
What’s that?

LUAKEL pulls out his Blackberry and reads.

LUAKEL
"Dear Mr. Commer, we have received intelligence
that a wanton act of vandalism has been performed
in your house, viz., the violent destruction of a map
of New Granada. It is for that reason that we have
no option but to issue you a warning that any further
violations of Althistory law will result in you being
expelled from AH.com…"

LUAKEL looks horrified.

WARD
Get to your room. And don’t come out again! Ever!

LUAKEL nods mutely and runs away. WARD turns back to the devastated Mosaic Earth table and the unconscious players.

WARD
I think we can still salvage this game-

CHINGO360
no, now let’s play feudal lands: mars!

WARD clips CHINGO360 around the ear.

WARD
Head out of ass, boy.
That game sucks, it’s for little kids.
Now do something useful for once and clear up that mess.

CHINGO360’s bottom lip quivers as he is obviously deeply hurt, but WARD ignores him, shakes his head at the Mosaic Earthers, and walks away.

CHINGO360
(half to himself)
i hate you…

INT/EXT – LUAKEL’S BEDROOM

Short montage of events that show WARD fitting iron bars, complex locks, deadbolts etc to LUAKEL’s bedroom door. CHINGO360 is visible in the background with his hands in his pockets, sulking. LUAKEL sits on the other side, looking bored and pissed off.

INT. – LUAKEL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

LUAKEL is pacing back and forth. Judging from the calendar on the wall with all the days crossed off, he’s been here a while.

There is a small sound and LUAKEL turns toward the enormously bolted door. A plate is showed beneath it, showing a flattened chunk of cake.

WARD
(VO, sneering)
Happy birthday, boy.

LUAKEL
Thanks. It would be more special if I
hadn’t been getting flattened chunks of
cake for the last 3 weeks…

But he picks it up and eats it anyway.

LATER…

LUAKEL is in bed, when he hears a tapping at the window.

LUAKEL
(half asleep)
Oh yeah, just like that…ah…with a PENGUIN?!

LUAKEL suddenly jerks upright, sweating nervously. Then his gaze drifts over to the window, to see the face of none other than:

LUAKEL
Oth?! OTH!!
Othniel Canada!

OTHNIEL
(grinning)
Who else, Luaky?

LUAKEL leaps from his bed and runs to the window. The camera angle changes and we see the scene from OTH’s viewpoint; he seems to be sitting in some kind of cabin, bobbing up and down.

EXT. – OUTSIDE LUAKY COMMER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

The camera angle changes yet again and we get a good glimpse of OTHNIEL’s vehicle: it’s a small light aircraft with a propeller. In the front compartment of the cockpit, at the controls, are HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN.

LUAKEL
Herman! Imajin!
What are you doing here?

HERMANUBIS
(grinning)
Busting you outta this joint!

IMAJIN
Climb on board!

LUAKEL
Sure! Just let me pack my stuff…

HERMANUBIS
Ah, never mind that!

HERMANUBIS pulls out his Podder, a rod with various odd clockwork-like components on it. As he speaks the incantation, the clockwork wheels spin.

HERMANUBIS
Reverso Tempus!

MrP
(VO)
Gahhh!!! What kind of Latin d’you call that?!!
I blame New Labour education policies…mumble mutter…

AUDIENCE
(VO)
SHHHHH!!!!

As HERMANUBIS speaks the words, everything in LUAKEL’s room suddenly flies up from its position, whirls around him for a few brief seconds like a tornado, and hurtles into his trunk in the corner. The lid of the trunk falls down on top with a very final SNAP like the Ark of the Covenant.

LUAKEL
Wow, thanks!

IMAJIN and OTHNIEL get out and help LUAKEL manoeuvre the trunk into the plane. LUAKEL is about to get into the plane after them, then pauses.

LUAKEL
Hey…how did you get a light aircraft
to just hover in midair?

OTHNIEL
(laughing)
You’ve been cooped up in there too long.

LUAKEL glances down and we see that his room is in fact on the ground floor, and there is only a drop of three feet from the window. The plane is on the ground.

LUAKEL
Dammit!!!

LUAKEL gets in. HERMANUBIS grabs hold of the piloting yoke, and the plane’s propeller starts turning. He steers it away, across the lawn, when…

CHINGO360
hey!!

Everyone turns to see CHINGO360 leaning out of his own bedroom window (also on the ground floor).

OTHNIEL
Hey, isn’t that your idiot cousin?

LUAKEL
(furious)
He’s going to rat me out to Uncle Ward!

CHINGO360
no no!
i hate ward! he said nasty things about feudal lands!
(wistful)
i wanna come with you! i wanna be an althistorian too!

LUAKEL
(surprised)
I think he means it.

IMAJIN
He can’t become an Althistorian!
He’s an Otler!

LUAKEL
(puzzled)
Otler?

OTHNIEL
OurTimeLiner. Someone limited to the
vagaries of a single bizarre universe
inexplicably bereft of airships,
President von Lettow-Vorbeck and the
Republic of Deseret.

CHINGO360
no no!
i can a.h., i can i can!
i play mosaic earth!
though feudal lands is better…

OTHNIEL
(surprised)
Well if he can play Mosaic Earth…

LUAKEL
(sighs)
Come on.

HERMANUBIS steers the plane around [i](still buzzing along on the ground, and they swing under CHINGO360’s window. CHINGO360 desperately jumps out and lands on the plane’s wing, but with one leg on either side of it…

CHINGO360
owwwwww!!!

LUAKEL
Shhh! You’ll wake Ward!

OTHNIEL
Get in!

CHINGO360 scrambles in, but we see lights being switched on in the house. A well-remembered silhouette appears in CHINGO’s room, and then WARD emerges from the window carrying his shotgun. He takes in the plane with one look and his face darkens with fury.

WARD
(roaring)
LUAKY COMMER! CHINGO THREESIXTY!
GET YOUR HEADS AND YOUR ASSES BACK HERE NOW!

LUAKEL
(desperately)
Quick! Take off!

WARD fires and we see bullets zipping past the cockpit.

HERMANUBIS
(laughing)
Take off? This isn’t a normal Otler plane!
It’s one our dad’s tinkered with!

IMAJIN
He’s weird. Fascinated by Otler technology.

LUAKEL
But-

WARD fires again and hits the plane’s fragile port wing. A hole appears, the plastic cracks, and the entire wing falls away.

LUAKEL
NO! Now we’ll never take off!

OTHNIEL
(laughing)
We don’t need to, Luaky!
Herman, ditch the unnecessary
bits we added to make it look
like an Otler plane for camouflage!

HERMANUBIS hits a button and the plane’s remaining wing falls off, followed by the propeller. But it keeps moving along on its wheels.

OTHNIEL
(dramatically)
Welcome to…
THE GROUNDED PLANE!

Dead silence while OTHNIEL, HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN all have frozen grins, and CHINGO and LUAKEL both look confused.

CHINGO
grounded…plane…?

IMAJIN
(laughing)
Yeah! Much cooler than the stoopid
Otler flying ones, eh?

HERMANUBIS
AND it’s more cramped on the inside
than its size would suggest!

LUAKEL
Ummm…guys…why is that a good thing??

IMAJIN
Because we’re different and thus obviously superior to the Otlers
in every way and we take every opportunity
to gloat about it, even if it makes no sense.
(laughs)

OTHNIEL
Good job you’re friends with us and not those
awful racist House Miseryguts people, eh, Luaky?
THEY think that Otler-born Althistorians are inferior,
whereas we know that Otler-born Althistorians are
equal to ourselves. Only Otlers themselves are
animal-like subhumans barely worthy of our notice!

LUAKEL
(edging away)
Ummm…right…

Another shot from WARD rips through the air, and everyone ducks.

LUAKEL
Get us out of here!

HERMANUBIS slams his foot down on the throttle and the Grounded Plane buzzes away, leaving a trail of chaos and destruction in its wake as it smashes through privet hedges, koi carp pools and rockeries.

We focus on WARD, left standing in the window and panting, brandishing his shotgun.

WARD
Goddammit!

WARD makes as if to break the shotgun over his knee – it discharges as he does so – the bullet rebounds amusingly off three strategically placed frying pans and hits an advertising blimp overhead, which deflates and falls on top of the house, covering it.

WARD
(muffled)
You’ve got to have airships.

EXT. – AMERICAN COUNTRYSIDE – NIGHT

The Grounded Plane zips through fields of corn and maize, leaving a trail of uprooted stalks. IMAJIN winks at HERMANUBIS, takes the controls and briefly makes the Plane do a loop the loop, ripping a crop circle in the field.

LUAKEL
Why did you do that?

IMAJIN
Poor Otlers still can’t figure out what they are!

HERMANUBIS
That, and mindless vandalism is always fun.

The two high-five.

The Grounded Plane crosses over onto a motorway and, in an unnecessarily long action-oriented scene never once referred to in the book, is caught between two large American articulated lorries for a bit.

Then we see a city before the Plane, and a river or lake separating it from another city…the Plane drives into the city and we see buildings passing by on either side.

INT. – GROUNDED PLANE – NIGHT

LUAKEL
Where are we?

CHINGO
what’s this?

OTHNIEL
This, my friends, is Sault St. Marie, Michigan.

HERMANUBIS
(laughing coarsely)
Town of losers. Like anyone would live here,
rather than on the cool side where WE live!

EXT. – SAULT ST. MARIE, MICHIGAN – NIGHT

HERMANUBIS says this as the Grounded Plane is passing two familiar-looking people in the street. DAVE HOWERY, and his young daughter KILNGIRL. The Grounded Plane drives straight through a muddy puddle and sloshes it all over the pair.

KILNGIRL
Ewwww!
(evil look in eyes)
Sort them out, Dad!

DAVE HOWERY
(pausing to wring out his beard)
Will do! Damned Canadians…

DAVE HOWERY opens his trench coat to reveal a truly awesome collection of bladed weapons within. With eye-blurring speed, he whips out each knife, sword, dagger, axe and shuriken in turn, and hurls them at the retreating form of the Grounded Plane.

INT. – GROUNDED PLANE – NIGHT

We hear the sound of DAVE HOWERY’s knives slamming into the back of the Plane. One blade punches through, emerging directly between CHINGO’s and LUAKEL’s heads. The two shrink away from it.

OTHNIEL
Damn locals.
(brightens)
Ah – here we are!

EXT. – THE BORDER – NIGHT

We see a bridge stretching across the lake. A giant glowing dotted line seems to be floating on top of the lake going lengthwise, and passing over the bridge at right angles to it. On this side the glowing word ‘USA’ is floating; on the other, ‘CANADA’. A customs post with a giant maple leaf flag sits next to the bridge.

INT. – GROUNDED PLANE – NIGHT

HERMANUBIS
Here we go!

He revs the engine and the Plane hurtles across the bridge and into Canada. A CANADIAN CUSTOMS MAN, THE GUNSLINGER (wearing a Mountie uniform), leans out of the customs post as they pass.

THE GUNSLINGER
Welcome to Canada, eh!
(to himself)
God, I’m sick of saying that…

EXT. – SAULT ST. MARIE, CANADA – NIGHT

The city on the other side looks exactly the same, except for the maple leafs dotting every corporate sign like a bizarre virus. The Plane drives towards the edge of town.

INT. – GROUNDED PLANE – NIGHT

IMAJIN
We’re coming up on our family home.

OTHNIEL
Canada House!
Here it is.

EXT. – CANADA HOUSE – NIGHT

Canada House is a large, rambling but rather rundown house. One wing of it is separate from the rest, out on a connecting spur, which itself seems to be rather unsteady and crumbling. There is also a small wing with a large fish pond and, next to it, an outhouse villa on its own.

The Grounded Plane pulls up and everyone gets out.

OTHNIEL
(grandly)
Welcome, welcome!
You’ll be staying in the Quebec Wing.
(he points at the separate wing)
I’ll bunk up with Imajin and Herman in the Maritimes Wing.
(he points at the fish pond wing)
And MerryPrankster’s got Mum’s old room, Newfoundland, as usual.
(he points at the outhouse villa)

LUAKEL
Great! What about your older brothers?

OTHNIEL
Chris is still working as an Author for the Department.
Aktarian’s gone away to train dragons to pull airships in Moldova.

HERMANUBIS
Enough of that, you can tell him later.
Quick, let’s get in before Mum and Dad find out!

The group all hurry into Canada House.

INT. – LIVING ROOM – CANADA HOUSE – NIGHT

Our first glimpse of the interior of Canada House. The interior is esoterically decorated, although with a Canadian theme (maple leaf motifs on the wallpaper and carpets, etc). The furniture is old but solid and mismatched.

On the mantelpiece, above an electric fire which is glowing merrily away, is a large and complex digital clock, which is showing the time in a half-dozen different timelines.

On a shelf to one side is a large cage filled with butterflies, which remain placidly in place, and there’s a butterfly net hung up next to the cage.

The group enters.

OTHNIEL
Welcome!

CHINGO
cool! hey, where’s the widescreen tv?

LUAKEL
(hastily)
Chingo – shut up – the Canadas aren’t that rich.

HERMANUBIS
(sulking)
We could just fraud some worthless Otler out of
their cash if Dad would let us…

VOICE
(VO)
IF DAD WOULD LET YOU WHAT?

Everyone turns as two adults enter, the Canadas’ mother and father, JOANNEMERRIAM and ZZYVYA.

JOANNEMERRIAM
BOYS! What have I told you about stealing
Dad’s grounded plane?

ZZYVYA
Yes, I was looking forward to driving
it around like the Otlers do myself!
(sulks)

HERMANUBIS
(protesting)
It was for a good cause! Look!

ZZYVYA
(brightens)
Luaky Commer! Pon my soul!

He shakes LUAKEL’s hand profusely, then glances at CHINGO.

ZZYVYA
Oh, and some other dude.
(shrugs)

JOANNEMERRIAM
(soft)
Oh, come on, you two. You look like you need fattening up.

LUAKEL
Umm…okay…

Fade out.

INT. – CANADA HOUSE – BEDROOM – DAY

LUAKEL wakes up, stretching his arms, looks around blearily for a moment, and then his eyes snap open as he remembers where he is. We hear bustle downstairs. He grins and jumps out of bed.

LUAKEL
This has got to be better than
living with Uncle Ward!

OTHNIEL enters.

OTHNIEL
Get dressed and come downstairs, Luaky.
They say our AH.com emails are coming today.

LUAKEL
(nodding)
Okay, Oth.

We hear a banging in the pipes.

LUAKEL
What’s that? ASBs?

OTHNIEL
(puzzled)
Shouldn’t be. We had the exterminators,
Jackson & Poepoe, in just the other day.

CHINGO360
(VO, echoey)
help help! i got sucked up by the tap
in the bathroom!

OTHNIEL
(sighs, then, confused: )
But it should only do that if you were…
(pause)
You…filthy child!

LUAKEL
He plays Feudal Lands, what do you expect?

CHINGO
i heard that…

INT. – CANADA HOUSE – DINING ROOM – DAY

LUAKEL, OTHNIEL and CHINGO – looking rather damp and dishevelled – come down the stairs and into the dining room. Already seated around the table are IMAJIN, HERMANUBIS and a distracted looking ZYZZVYA, while JOANNEMERRIAM is imperiously waving a Podder about. Full English breakfasts on fine china are emerging from holes in reality and landing on the table.

ZYZZYVYA starts eating without looking up from a report he is reading. HERMANUBIS takes one bite and then goes green.

HERMANUBIS
Urgh, Mum, have you been ISOTing
the food from the Satanic Russian Empire
from the Peshawar Lancers TL again?

JOANNEMERRIAM dings him with a frying pan.

LUAKEL, CHINGO and OTHNIEL sit down and tuck into their own breakfasts.

LUAKEL
Yum! This is a relief after all that New Granada
cakes for weeks on end…

CHINGO
too right!

Suddenly the door bangs open and MERRYPRANKSTER emerges, brushing himself down. He’s wearing a tie and carrying a folder full of papers.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(breezily)
Sorry I’m late. Would you believe that
at one point it was mentioned out of hand that the
main character once had a motorcycle ride,
and the author hadn’t referenced and described
in detail the entire sequence with diagrams and
careful descriptions of the bike model, the type
of petrol and the kind of asphalt on the road?

JOANNEMERRIAM
(not listening)
Yes, yes, dear. Sit down and eat your lovely
long pig sausages.

LUAKEL
(whispering)
What’s gotten into him?

HERMANUBIS
(snorting)
Perfect Pranky, the Perfect Prefect.
He’s got a summer job in the
Overanalysis Division for the
Department of Althistory.

IMAJIN
(nodding to ZYVYZZA)
That’s where Dad works, too, but
he works in the OTL Division.

ZYZZVYZZA looks up from the report at this, and smiles brightly at LUAKEL and CHINGO.

ZYZVVYA
Indeed, and there are many questions
I’d like to ask you, Luaky!
(gets out a notepad)
For example, what do Otlers use
instead of airship travel…?

LUAKEL is about to answer, but CHINGO jumps in:

CHINGO
oh i know i know!
they use aeroplanes and things!
(looks pleased)

ZYVVZZYZVA
(looks a bit put out)
Er – right. And – LUAKY –
how do the Otlers cope with
the Mormon problem if there
isn’t an independent Republic of Deseret?

CHINGO
(interrupting again)
they just live in utah!

ZYVVZZYVVA
Look – can’t you let Luaky answer?
(unrolls a huge long list)
I mean, I haven’t even gotten onto
the questions about sex yet-

LUAKEL
(hastily)
Look, Chingo, why don’t you just
answer all the nice man’s questions?

CHINGO
(happily)
ok!

LUAKEL hurries away from the table. As he gets to the sideboard, his Blackberry beeps – so does everyone else’s. They all pick theirs up and glance at them.

OTHNIEL
Yes! It’s our emails from AH.com!

HERMANUBIS
(sounding gloomy)
And the reading lists.

IMAJIN
Cor, look at this!

IMAJIN proffers the list; LUAKEL frowns as he reads.

LUAKEL
Wow, a lot of books by Dominus Novus.
(confused)
I thought Dominus Novus was just the guy
who owned the tailor’s shop in Coincident Alley?

HERMANUBIS
He was, until this summer. Went off on
some great world tour, and when he came
back, published forty dozen best-selling books.

IMAJIN
No-one knows how he did it. We asked
Chris but he denied ghost-writing them.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(hastily)
Now come on – you should respect
your professors.

LUAKEL
He’s teaching at AH.com?!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Er yes – I shouldn’t have said that.
(confused)
Ten points from Pornwatcher.
I shall now go and observe the house
point counters as the viewers would be
unsatisfied if it were merely referred
to in passing and they must see it for themselves.

MERRYPRANKSTER hurries off. IMAJIN and HERMANUBIS shake their heads in despair.

JOANNEMERRIAM
Anyway – speaking of Coincident Alley – we’d
better go and get those books of yours.

HERMANUBIS
They look expensive…

JOANNEMERRIAM
(shaking her head)
We’ll manage.

CHINGO
(coming out of a deep conversation with ZYVVYZAYVA)
hey! i’ve got a reading list too! i’ve been accepted
to come and study at AH.com for a year!

JOANNEMERRIAM
All right then – let’s ISOT!

LUAKEL
(blankly)
Isot?

OTHNIEL
Oh yes – Luaky’s never travelled by ISOT before, mother.

ZYVVYZA
(shaking his head)
Never travelled by ISOT…?
Those crazy Otlers.

CHINGO
how does it work?

HERMANUBIS
(briskly)
It’s simple. You just sprinkle this
powdered ASB in a ring around you,
set it on fire, and shout out your destination…

He demonstrates, scattering green powder from a box around him, then lighting a match and dropping it.

HERMANUBIS
(shouting)
Coincident Alley! Red Knight, V. strict!

The flaming powder turns into a ring of fire, then forms a dome of golden energy over HERMANUBIS. After a moment, it fades away, leaving nothing behind.

CHINGO
cool…

LUAKEL
What was that last part?

OTHNIEL
We’re going to the Red Knight pub first.
And the very last part was the parental
guidance level…

IMAJIN
(resentfully)
Does it have to be V. strict?

JOANNEMERRIAM
(dramatically)
When you have carried a child for ten months…

IMAJIN
(hastily)
Okay, okay!

LUAKEL
(puzzledly)
TEN months?

IMAJIN
There was an accident with a drunk physicist
and a time machine. Look, let’s go!

They all reach out and take a pinch of the green powder, scatter it around them, and set it on fire. But LUAKEL gets some of the smoke from the flames in his eyes and mouth and starts coughing.

EVERYONE ELSE
Coincident Alley, Red Knight, V. strict!

LUAKEL
(simultaneously, coughing)
Co – coincident – Alley – red (coughs) ight (coughs) strict!

More domes of golden light consume them all.

EXT. – COINCIDENT ALLEY? – DAY

From LUAKEL’s P.O.V., we see the golden light fade…and be replaced by a strange, unfamiliar street. It’s very dark and smoky, and the buildings are horrible old brick and concrete affairs with boarded-up windows. The streetlights are broken, the telephone booths are vandalised, graffiti is everywhere. The only light, aside from the weak sun trying to break through the smoke overhead, are the red lamps set in every window. Scantily clad female figures stand on every corner, smoking and looking bored out of their skulls.

LUAKEL looks around in horror.

LUAKEL
I said Red Knight V. Strict, not Red Light District!
Damned voice recognition spells…

Cautiously, LUAKEL takes a few steps forward, glancing from side to side. Tentatively, he goes up to the nearest prostitute, who we only see from the back: she’s wearing a skintight leather dominatrix outfit with thighboots with six inch high heels, fishnet stockings and is holding a whip. LUAKEL very reluctantly taps her on the shoulder.

LUAKEL
Er excuse me-

The figure turns around and we see that it’s actually a transsexual version of W.F. HERMANS. LUAKEL recoils.

WF HERMANS
(horribly leering; deep voice)
You look like a pretty boy…
Want to see things that Wikipedia don’t cover?

LUAKEL
(backing away)
Err errm…

LUAKEL’s back hits a wall. He desperately turns around and notices a nearby door, then dashes over to it and goes through.

WF HERMANS shrugs, lighting a cigar and turning back to the road. Moments later, a Jaguar with black tinted windows comes to a stop there. The window winds down to reveal that DOCTOR WHAT (of course) is in the back.

WF HERMANS
Evening, Bruno. The usual?

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
The day when anything I do can be described
as usual is the day I choose to die.

WF HERMANS
But don’t you do that every Thursday?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
Details. Hop in.

As WF HERMANS does, we pan up the wall to reveal the sign outside the place LUAKEL just dived into…

"IMPLAUSIBILIA"
Get Your ASBy Artefacts Here
Prop: T.P. Hashemite, est. 1905 BC, still with a recognisable United States today.

INT. – IMPLAUSIBILIA – DAY

LUAKEL slams the door behind him and then turns around, leaning against the door and panting.

LUAKEL
That’s a relief…
Now where am I?

He looks around, and we see that the interior of the shop is dark, dingy and poky, with little light coming through the rather dusty windows. Strange and bizarre items hang from the ceiling, or rest on shelves and tables everywhere, with labels attached to them. LUAKEL looks from one to the next with a mounting sense of horror:

TEH NINJITSU KATANA OF TEH NEANDERTHAL WARLORD ON TEH PIRATE CTULTHU ISLAND!!!!1111

CROWN OF PRESIDENT FROM JAPANESE BYZANTIUM, WITH JEWELS CAPTURED FROM SOVIET TREASURY!!11

BREECH-LOADING RIFLE USED BY AUSTRIAN EMPIRE IN WAR WITH CARTHAGE IN 1742!!!!111

LUAKEL
Oh…dear…God…

LUAKEL spins around again and begins desperately pulling at the door, trying to get out, but it seems stuck shut. He stumbles back into the room, disoriented from the shadows and dust, and looks for another way out, but ends up turning around and facing a large, spinning globe. He watches, horrified, as the globe spins around from the Western hemisphere, in which both American continents are labelled ‘EMPIRE OF DESERET’, around to the Eastern hemisphere which is divided into ‘Aztec Eurasia’ and ‘the Draka’.

LUAKEL
MY EYYYYEEES! THEY BURRRRRN!!

LUAKEL screams and falls over backwards, landing against a wardrobe door. Blinking, he turns around and looks at it in more detail: it’s a solid, old oak door with intricate carvings of holly leaves on it.

In the distance, we hear someone cursing and stepping down some unseen stairs. Desperately, LUAKEL opens the wardrobe door, gets in and shuts it behind him.

A second later, a grumpy-looking figure in a King Tut headdress – HASHEMITE – emerges into the shop from a back room.

HASHEMITE
Damned butterflies must have gotten in again…

INT. – WARDROBE – DAY

In the confused interior of the wardrobe, which is filled with old fur coats, LUAKEL hears HASHEMITE’s voice outside and reflexively takes another step backwards…

EXT. – SNOWBOUND FOREST – DAY

LUAKEL suddenly steps backwards out of a snowbound pine forest. Confused, he looks behind him at the icy landscape, and sees a Victorian lamppost with one cross bar missing rising over the forest wastes.

LUAKEL
(slaps his forehead)
Dammit! Wrong film!

LUAKEL shrugs and runs forward into the forest again.

INT. – IMPLAUSIBILIA – DAY

HASHEMITE is cleaning one of the bizarre globes with the corner of his sleeve, spitting on it and rubbing it. Behind him, we hear a loud THUMP, an ‘Ouch!’, and the wardrobe rocks forward and back. HASHEMITE scowls.

HASHEMITE
I’ll have to do something about them.
Next thing you know, we’ll have timelines
where Carthage beats Rome and then Napoleon doesn’t appear…

He laughs at the very thought.

Then the door jingles and we hear approaching voices.

HASHEMITE
(brightens up)
Customers!

INT. – WARDROBE – DAY

LUAKEL is rubbing his nose, which has gone red.

LUAKEL
(indistinctly)
Bruddy warbrobes…

LUAKEL pulls out his Podder and waves it uncertainly towards his own face.

LUAKEL
WI Luakel didn’t bang his nose on the wardrobe door?

Sparks fly from the Podder and LUAKEL’s nose returns to normal.

LUAKEL
(nodding to himself)
Who said counterfactuals were pointless?

Suddenly, he hears the voices from outside and quietens down.

HASHEMITE
(VO)
Welcome, welcome! How can I help you today?
Perhaps a little sniff of a TL where the Soviet
Union conquers Burgundy in 52 BC?

YOUTHFUL VOICE
(VO)
Silence you moronic plastic Frenchman!
I have no time for your pathetic implausible timelines!

LUAKEL
(to himself; confused)
That sounds like Borat.
But I thought Ward had shot him?

HASHEMITE
(VO)
(obsequiously)
All right, all right, young sir!
Perhaps your father then…

FAMILIAR ADULT VOICE
(VO)
You shall not distract me with your sales patter, Hashemite…
…though if you were to give me a few links to stories in the Middle East that pertain to American politics, that would be a different matter…
…for I have come for only one thing.

NOW MORE FAMILIAR YOUTHFUL VOICE
And while we’re on the subject of news stories…

LUAKEL
(confused)
GBW and Grimm Reaper?!

LUAKEL opens the wardrobe door a crack and peers out. He sees, indeed, GRIMM REAPER in his U.S. Government issue robe of death, and young GBW standing next to him, his profile in view. Aside from the fact that GBW seems expressionless, he looks no different from last year.

LUAKEL
(relieved)
But I got on with GBW last year.
Now I can just reveal myself and-

GBW
(to HASHEMITE)
What I would really be interested in, is
something I could use to kill that bastard Luaky Commer.

LUAKEL
(opens his mouth, shuts it again)
Okay, scratch THAT plan…

HASHEMITE
Luaky Commer? Why would you want to kill him?
(pause, then, sulkily: )
Although come to think of it, people always reply to HIS threads…

GBW
(nastily)
Shut up, you self-serving imbecile!
(half to himself)
Last year, I tried to stop Luaky Commer and his cronies from
breaking Althistorical law. And what did I get for my troubles?
(laughs bitterly)
Paralysed by a direct forum connection by his little friend Caesius,
and then Doctor What’s cat Mynx clawed off half my face while
I was still unconscious!

GBW turns to look another way, and LUAKEL recoils in horror: the entire left side of his head has been replaced by funky cyborg technology. He also seems to have a metallic left hand and arm, where it is visible.

GBW
While those lawbreakers Commer and company
got rewarded for their actions. Well, no more!
(nastily)
I’ve learned an important lesson. I’m going to force
the Alhistorical world to actually apply logic and reason
so that Commer isn’t praised for lawbreaking!

HASHEMITE
(recoils)
Logic and reason…?!
I don’t much like the sound of that…

GBW
I won’t rest until Commer gets his just desserts.

HASHEMITE
I…

GBW’s cyborg hand swings up and splits apart to reveal a gun barrel of some kind, which he points at HASHEMITE.

GBW
(coldly)
One joke about custard and you’ll be
sleepin’ with the ASBs.

HASHEMITE
I wasn’t going to say anything-

GRIMM REAPER diplomatically interposes himself between his son and HASHEMITE.

GRIMM REAPER
Enough about that. We’ve actually
come for something I require…

HASHEMITE
I see. Does this involve an
important plot point to
anyone secretly eavesdropping?

LUAKEL
(leaning out of the wardrobe)
I think so.

GRIMM REAPER
(nodding to him)
All right, then we’ll
go and discuss it in the back room.

LUAKEL
Spoilsport.

GRIMM REAPER, HASHEMITE and GBW all go into the back room. Meanwhile LUAKEL hastily leaps out of the wardrobe, finds that the main door is now unlocked, and goes out onto the street.

EXT. – RED LIGHT DISTRICT OF COINCIDENT ALLEY – DAY

More or less as before. LUAKEL looks around fearfully at the hookers and drug dealers, wondering what to do next, when a huge hand rests on his shoulder.

LUAKEL
Ulp!

FAMILIAR VOICE
Stone the crows, Luaky Commer, as I live and breathe!

LUAKEL spins around to find that it is, of course, the massive figure of DMA, wearing a hat with corks on.

DMA
Throw another shrimp on the barbie, Luaky, but what
are you doing here? Aren’t you a little young for this,
even for an AH.commer?

LUAKEL
I got here by accident!

DMA
(winking)
Heard and understood, mate.
Makes me want to do a technicolour snake, mind…

LUAKEL
No, really!

DMA
Come on, mate. I’ll bring you back to civilisation.

DMA and LUAKEL both walk along the road and come out in…

EXT. – COINCIDENT ALLEY – DAY

The main part of Coincident Alley is exactly as we saw it in the last film, with brightly coloured shops selling all kinds of Althistorical equipment.

DMA
Here to pick up your schooling books, Luaky?

LUAKEL
That’s right. I’d better go and meet the others
at J. Diamond’s bookstore.

DMA
Here we are now, mate!

And indeed they are standing outside J. Diamond’s bookstore. But there is a massive queue, and the others are still outside.

OTHNIEL
Luaky! What are you doing there?

JOANNEMERRIAM
We’ve been worried sick about you!

LUAKEL
There was a bit of a mishap…

DMA
(winking)
Nothing I wouldn’t do, love.

JOANNEMERRIAM
(sighing)
THAT narrows it down…

CHINGO
hey luaky!
that professor novus is here
signing his books!
that’s why there’s such a long queue!

LUAKEL
Really?
(thinking)
I wonder how he managed to write them all…

OTHNIEL
Hey! Look! It’s Seizy!

And indeed young LEO CAESIUS is approaching, with his parents, DANIEL JACKSON and INDIANA JONES. (Just don't ask).

LEO CAESIUS
I say! Good to see you all again!
You know, as the Prophet says, it’s
a rather fine-

LUAKEL
(laughing)
Come on in, Leo, before the queue closes up.

INT. – J. DIAMOND’S BOOKSTORE – DAY

The bookstore is heaving with people. However, the area over by the main bookshelves, where DIAMOND is standing and selling books, is relatively quiet compared to an area over on the other side, where we can just see the sign "D. NOVUS BOOKSIGNING" above the crowd.

As the group enters, we see THERMOPYLAE, a student wearing the uniform of a foreign school, going up with a massive rolled-up map and handing it to DIAMOND.

THERMOPYLAE
This, please.

DIAMOND
I see.
(he unrolls the map and looks at it, then whistles)
Well! A nice use of light and shade there, and the fonts
are fairly appropriate as well…not bad, not bad…
(blinks)
French England? Slavic France?! Mongol Balkans?!!

By way of explanation, THERMOPYLAE holds up a joint, which is emitting a wisp of vivid green smoke.

THERMOPYLAE
Ethnic Kaleidoscope Blend. There’s none finer.

DIAMOND
(interested)
I see, I see.
But you want to make sure that it’s not
contaminated with any of the Harry Harrison ganja.

THERMOPYLAE
How can you tell?

DIAMOND
Give it here.

DIAMOND takes a deep draw on the joint, then blows it out with a thoughtful look on his face.

DIAMOND
Let’s see…
United States conquers Britain in 1776…
(meditatively)
That’s completely absurd!
(smiles)
Yep, that’s the pure stuff, Thermo my man.
No contamination whatsoever.

THERMOPYLAE
Good! Can I have the map, then?

DIAMOND
(shocked expression)
What?!
Me…part with…a map?
(looks confused)
Are you SURE that stuff ain’t contaminated?
Maybe with crazy-stupid gas?

THERMOPYLAE
Hey!!

DIAMOND
Bloody foreigners.

The Commer/Canada/Caesius group moves past them and towards the area where Novus is signing books.

CHINGO
how will we ever get through?

DMA
Leave it to me, mates!
I’ll deal with this crowd of galahs!

DMA squares his shoulders and slams his way through the crowd like a rugby forward, essentially parting the Red Sea and letting the group come forward. LUAKEL looks from side to side and sees piles of groaning Althistorians.

They finally reach the table, where DOMINUSNOVUS – a suave individual in a tuxedo – is signing books with one hand and holding up a mirror with the other, looking at himself.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(every few seconds)
Still looking nice…
Still looking nice…
Still looking nice…

Suddenly he glances at LUAKEL in surprise and lowers the mirror.

DOMINUSNOVUS
I say! Luaky Commer!
(patronisingly)
I remember when you were just a firstyear!

LUAKEL
And I remember when you were just a tailor.

DOMNINUSNOVUS
(hastily)
Now, now, all in the past.
And who cares about the past, eh?

An audience of Althistorians stares at him in incomprehension.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Errr…you know what I mean.
(smiling)
Come on, have some books on the house,
you lot, and then I’ll get some nice
publicity – err I mean a wonderful glow inside…

CHINGO
(happily)
he’s not so bad after all!

LUAKEL, OTHNIEL, CHINGO, IMAJIN, HERMANUBIS, LEO CAESIUS and MERRYPRANKSTER all take up stacks of textbooks. LEO is staggering under the weight of his stack, when a planted foot trips him over and the books go everywhere. The camera pulls up to reveal the smirking half-face of GBW.

GBW
Hello, Commer. Glad to see you brought
your filthy little friends with you.

LUAKEL
Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough, Bush.

GBW’s one remaining organic eye flares with anger, and his cyborg one lights up red.

GBW
You’ll regret that, Commer.
Regret it very much indeed…

Behind GBW, GRIMM REAPER is picking up all the books LEO dropped, and hands them to LEO’s parents with a smirk.

GRIMM REAPER
Not so often we see…
mere Otler historians…here.
How dull it must be for you,
to have never studied the Confederate
navy of 1874 or the laws of Roman Germany…

DANIEL JACKSON
Erm, er, well, actually, you know,
there was this one planet that looked just
like British Columbia, where there was a surviving
civilisation that had recreated the age of-

But GRIMM REAPER obviously isn’t listening. He hands the books over, patting a now empty pocket significantly, and walks away.

GBW
(sneering)
I’ll see you at school, Commer.

LUAKEL
Any time you want, Dubya.

GBW also turns away and meets his father, but they find that ZZYVYVYZZA has come into the shop.

ZYVVYZZA
Hi everyone, I-
(stares at GRIMM REAPER)
I see you’ve been venting your envy at the Otlers, Reaper.

GRIMM REAPER
Do you know who I am?

ZZYVVYZZA
Yes. You’re someone who wouldn’t be a decent
historian even if he restricted himself to OTL.
Now get away, before I change my mind about
asking the Department to look over those…
accounts of yours.

Muttering to himself, GRIMM REAPER exits, followed by GBW.

LUAKEL
Well that was a nice portentous preview, eh?

Everyone looks at him oddly, then shrugs.

LEO CAESIUS and his parents continue piling up the dropped books, when he pauses, looking puzzledly from one to the other.

LEO CAESIUS
Strange, I seem to have picked up two of
Professor Novus’ "Why I Am Incredibly Great And Handsome Too’…

CHINGO360
(absurdly, disproportionately sad)
i dont have even one of those…
i hate you all…
i’m leaving!

LEO
(hastily)
Here, have one of mine!

CHINGO
(instantly brightens up)
ok!

LEO hands CHINGO one of his textbooks, which seems to have a suspiciously bulging spine.

LUAKEL
Well! That’s enough unpleasantness.
Let’s finish the shopping and then
alcopops all around!

Everyone cheers.

OTHNIEL
(smiling)
And there are still two weeks of the holidays left…

INT/EXT. – CANADA HOUSE – DAY/NIGHT

Everyone (except LEO and his parents) are back at Canada House, and we see a montage of short scenes:

LUAKEL, OTHNIEL, HERMANUBIS and CHINGO are all out on the lawn with golf clubs, watching the ground suspiciously.

HERMANUBIS
(obviously an old hand at this)
Wait for it…wait for it…

Suddenly something bursts from the ground in front of him. It’s a bright green bat with three compound eyes and razorsharp vampire teeth! It hovers in front of him, beating its wings in his face, chanting inanely in a squeaky voice:

ASB
WI the United States ISOTed to WW2?!!
WI the United States ISOTed to WW1?!!!
WI the United States ISOTed to WW0?!!!!!

Calmly, HERMANUBIS whacks the ASB with his golf club and it drops out of the air, stunned. He picks it up and drops it in a cage.

HERMANUBIS
Easy when you know how.
A whack with a golf club that’s
been dusted with concentrated Reality…

LUAKEL looks nervously around, sees the ground bulge in front of him, and whacks down.

OTHNIEL
No, no! That was a Lesser Spotted
Underground Badger! They are our
friends! They drive limousines and everything!

LUAKEL
Oh, sorry…

Another ASB rises out of the ground behind OTHNIEL, its mouth slavering.

ASB
WI-

LUAKEL hurls his golf club, which passes just above OTHNIEL’s right ear, and it slams into the ASB, knocking it out of the air. OTHNIEL turns.

OTHNIEL
(a bit shellshocked)
Now that, THAT’s an ASB.

CHINGO
(VO)
help help!

They all turn around to find that CHINGO, obviously thanks to the ASBs, is tied up upside down in a tree.

CHINGO
help help! i’m tied up upside down in a tree!

HERMANUBIS
(grimly)
So I see.
(pulls out a mobile phone, starts dialling)
I think we’ll need the specialists in again.

Time lapse to night, and we see a van pull up outside, with a picture of a bat in a No-Smoking sign on the side. Two figures get out, bearing absurdly large guns, and walk up to meet OTHNIEL and the others where they’re still standing on the lawn.

LEEJ
(humming to himself)
Who ya gonna call? Batbusters!

LUAKEL
Professor! I didn’t know you had a second job!

LEEJ
It keeps the money rolling in, why aye.
(scowls)
Especially since that damned Yank
Novus has taken half the pay budget.

LEEJ nods to DAVID S. POEPOE and the two turn away, going towards the tree where swarming ASBs keep CHINGO captive.

CHINGO
(distantly)
help help! swarming asbs are keeping me captive!

LUAKEL turns back to OTHNIEL, looking unhappy.

LUAKEL
I don’t know about this Novus.
Surely he must be a fraud, to have
come from nowhere so early?

OTHNIEL
I don’t know. He may have used
a time machine to have years of experience
in just a few months.

LUAKEL
Good point…
(frowns)
But I still don’t know if he’ll be a good teacher.

OTHNIEL
We’ll just have to see…

They hear a noise from behind and turn. DAVID S. POEPOE is pointing his massive gun at the tree, while LEEJ is watching from the side.

LEEJ
Thrae! Twa! Wun!
FIRE!

POEPOE fires the gun. Instead of a bullet or missile, it fires a human being on an elasticated bungee cord, who goes hurtling towards the ASBs.

Close up on the frightened CHINGO and the swarming ASBs as the man gets near to the tree, his bungee cord stretching to its maximum… it’s GLADI.

GLADI
(reaching out)
Bright day.
Meet…
the REALITY CZECH!

ASBs
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The ASBs all spontaneously combust. GLADI winks to CHINGO and then his bungee cord yanks him backward, where he hits POEPOE and knocks him over.

LUAKEL
(puzzled)
Was it the reality that killed them, or the bad pun?

LEEJ
The jury’s till out, aye.

LUAKEL turns to CHINGO, who’s still up in the tree and looking traumatised.

CHINGO
help help! i’m still up in the tree
and i feel traumatised!

LUAKEL sighs.

INT. – CANADA HOUSE – DAY

JOANNEMERRIAM is cooking breakfast, while ZZYVYZZA is trying to build an airfix model of a Boeing 747. As we watch, though, it collapses.

ZZYVYZZA
(cursing)
Pods and Isots!
Why can’t the damned Otlers just use
airships like everyone else!

CHINGO
(to OTHNIEL)
your dad sucks.

OTHNIEL
(remaining mostly calm)
Chingo, that wasn’t a nice thing to say.

CHINGO
(eyes filling up)
you’re mean! i hate you!

CHINGO runs away upstairs. OTHIEL shakes his head at LUAKEL.

OTHNIEL
What the H-E-double hockeysticks is up with him?

LUAKEL
(shrugs)
He’s a fish out of water…

IMAJIN
(coming down the stairs)
Ooh! I remember that timeline!
(smiles)
Wasn’t there an underwater version of
Austria-Hungary ruled by King-Emperor Neptune I?

OTHNIEL
(hurriedly)
We weren’t talking about that.

HERMANUBIS also walks down the stairs.

HERMANUBIS
Weird fumes coming under your little friend’s door.

IMAJIN
Ah, he’s discovered recreational drugs!

Everyone (except LUAKEL) smiles and nods approvingly.

Time lapse. Pages flying off a calendar.

INT. - CANADA HOUSE – DAY

The main room is now very different, full of hustle and bustle. Everyone is fumbling about with huge suitcases.

LUAKEL
How are we getting to Grand Central Station?

OTHNIEL
We’ll take the Plane…

ZZYVYZZA
(warningly)
By AIR.
No alerting the Otlers this time.

EXT. – CANADA HOUSE – DAY

The Plane, now with repaired wings, sits on the road outside the country house. As we watch, ZZYVYZZA manhandles everyone’s suitcases into a ridiculously small cargo compartment. Also, everyone seems to fit comfortably into the small space.

INT. – PLANE – DAY

LUAKEL looks around the interior of the plane wonderingly.

LUAKEL
How do you do it?
It’s bigger on the inside than the outside!

OTHNIEL
(laughs, winks)
It’s just a clever use of light and shade.
Honest Not-Mormon.

CHINGO
(happily)
wow! everyone seems to fit comfortably
into this small space.

LUAKEL and OTHNIEL roll their eyes at each other.

EXT. – SKIES – DAY

The Plane flies through almost clear skies from Sault St. Marie to New York. Quick montage of scenes showing them passing over the Great Lakes, and then approaching the well-remembered skyscrapers. As the little plane passes by the Empire State Building, a giant gorilla tries to grab it out of the air, but fails.

EXT. – STREETS OF NEW YORK – GRAND CENTRAL STATION – DAY

Otler passers-by look up in surprise and horror as the little plane speeds downwards at a ridiculous angle and slams through the roof of Grand Central Station.

INT. – GRAND CENTRAL STATION – DAY

The Plane, its wings torn off again, sits in the middle of the marble central plaza, surrounded by debris, with a giant hole ripped in the ceiling. Otlers stare at it in surprise, whereas the incognito Althistorians in the crowds seem to take it in their stride.

The hatch pops open and ZZYYZA calmly gets out, followed by the others.

LUAKEL
Ummm…you do know that’s not how
the Otlers usually do it?

ZZVYZZA
Really?
(disappointed)
I knew I forgot something.
(snaps fingers)
Snakes! I forgot snakes!

LUAKEL shakes his head and turns away. He glances at the massive American flag hanging in the middle of the station, then double-takes at it – it has fifty white swastikas instead of stars. MERRYPRANKSTER follows his gaze and sighs.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Some youngster playing silly buggers, young Luaky.
(rolls up his sleeves)
I’ll soon sort it out.

MERRYPRANKSTER takes out his Podder and waves it at the flag. In the background we see a number of AH.com staff, including FLOID and MrP, passing by on their way to the train.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Changio Flagius Backus!

MrP
(collapsing, hands over his ears)
GAHHHHHH!!!!!

MERRYPRANKSTER’s Podder fires sparks at the flag, and the 50 swastikas ripple and change…into 50 crosses. The flag also now has the Ten Commandments written in stylised text on the 13 stripes.

LUAKEL
Er…that’s not the flag in OTL either…

MERRYPRANKSTER
(surprised)
Are you sure?

ZZYVVYZA
Come on, come on, we don’t want to miss the train…

The group goes over to the little door between Platforms 3 and 4 labelled ‘AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY’. It seems all the other Althistorians have already gone through.

ZZYVYA
All right, first Merry and Joanne…

Glancing around to check that no Otlers are looking, those two go through.

ZZYVYA
(waiting for it to quiet again)
Now Herman and Imajin…

Those two, winking at OTHNIEL and LUAKEL, go through.

ZZVYZZA
Now me and Chingo…

CHINGO
(happily)
hey we’re going through a door!

They go through.

OTHNIEL[/b]
We’re last. Ready?

LUAKEL
(smiling)
Of course.

OTHNIEL reaches out and pulls on the doorknob. Nothing happens. He waggles it back and forth. Still nothing.

OTHNIEL
It’s stuck!

LUAKEL
(puzzled)
It worked fine for everyone else…

OTHNIEL pulls out his Podder and points it at the knob.

OTHNIEL
Unlockius Doorus!

We hear a distant, echoing ‘GAHHHH!!!’ from somewhere behind the door.

But nothing happens.

LUAKEL
(desperately)
What are we going to do?

We hear the distant sound of a modern train pulling up to the hidden platform…

OTHNIEL
There’s the AH.com Intercity Premier!

The camera briefly pans up to the top of the station, to show RADICAL_NEUTURAL hanging onto a big clock and nodding to himself.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
good raddy! good raddy!
svae lukay cmomre form teh bad gyus!

The camera pans down again.

OTHNIEL
Wait. The Plane!

LUAKEL
Oth, you’re a genius!
(pause)
But there are no wings.

OTHNIEL
We’ll just have to use it on the ground.
Dad will understand.

LUAKEL
(decisively)
Then let’s do it!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(distantly)
ho siht.

INT. – PLANE – COCKPIT – DAY

OTHNIEL has one hand cavalierly on the piloting yoke, occasionally giving it a twitch, while LUAKEL is in the passenger seat, eating popcorn and wearing sunglasses. In the background cockpit window, we see clouds going past. Between them, on the central console, there is a little plastic ‘travel’ version of the Mosaic Earth game, with the pieces held magnetically down; they each occasionally reach out and make a move.

OTHNIEL
(singing)
Driving along in my aer-o-plane,
Luaky beside me quite insane.
Cruisin’ and playing Mosaic Earth,
Eatin’ popcorn to increase our girth!

LUAKEL
Yeah!

Suddenly, outside, we see the clouds end, revealing that they were in fact a giant mural painted on the back of a building’s brickwork. We now see…

EXT. – STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY – DAY

The Plane is hurtling along the road on the ground at high speed, causing chaos as it does. OTHNIEL is driving on the left side of the road, against the traffic, and is weaving in and out of the cars and taxicabs, which are going crazy trying to avoid him, and crashing. Passers-by scream and point.

INT. – PLANE – COCKPIT – DAY

OTHNIEL frowns and slams his hand down on the piloting yoke, sounding a horn.

OTHNIEL
Damned New Yorkers,
driving on the wrong side of the road!

LUAKEL
Are you sure you’re not thinking
of the wrong timeline there?

OTHNIEL
(thinks)
Nahhhhhh…

Through the cockpit windscreen, we see two careering taxicabs crash into each other and block the Plane’s path. OTHNIEL frowns, then hits a bit red button the wall.

EXT. – PLANE – DAY

The Plane suddenly deploys a massive gasbag from its roof, lifting it into the air and over the car pileup. The gasbag then deflates and the Plane comes crashing back down to the road, OTHNIEL just keeping it under control.

INT. – PLANE – COCKPIT – DAY

OTHNIEL
(grinning)
I knew Mum wouldn’t let Dad build
an Otler fixed wing aeroplane without
putting in a nice normal airship gasbag
just in case.

LUAKEL
(shading his eyes and frowning)
It’s getting a bit hectic, Oth.
We should find another way out.

OTHNIEL
You’re right.

OTHNIEL sticks his head out of the window, looking at street signs.

OTHNIEL
Ah! I’ve got it!

OTHNIEL twists the yoke towards the opening of a street.

LUAKEL
Where are you going?

OTHNIEL
(smiling)
We need a nice broad street to take
the plane as well as all the cars, right?
Well here’s one with that in the name!

LUAKEL
(sudden realisation)
Oh sh-

EXT. – BROADWAY – DAY

The Plane comes hurtling down the street, against the traffic flow.

INT. – PLANE – COCKPIT – DAY

LUAKEL is wrestling OTHNIEL for control of the yoke.

LUAKEL
We can’t go down there!

OTHNIEL
Damned Otlers and their lying signs!

LUAKEL grabs the yoke, then OTHNIEL accidentally lets go without warning, and LUAKEL spins the Plane farther than he’d wanted, so they go speeding into the wall of a nearby theatre…

LUAKEL/OTHNIEL
AAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!

INT. – THEATRE – DIMMED LIGHTS

The theatre appears to be showing an epic opera. We pan around and see that one attendee, STEFFEN, has an entire Box to himself, with a giant tub of popcorn and a set of powerful Zeiss opera glasses.

STEFFEN
(earnestly)
And now comes the best part!

We focus on the stage again. Two sets of choruses, one dressed in miner’s helmets and dirty, coaly work clothes, and the other consisting of young men and women with business suits, briefcases and big 80s mobile phones. The two part to permit the diva, a woman holding a handbag and a giant torch burning with a blue flame, to sing:

DIVA
Springtime for Thatcher and Ing-er-land…!

STEFFEN
(blowing his nose on a tablecloth-sized handkerchief)
Ah, such passion, such verve, such…power…

Suddenly the Grounded Plane comes crashing through the wall of the theatre, blasts its way across the stage, tips half the singers into the orchestra pit, and then – its two passengers screaming – smashes through the opposite wall and out the other side. Chaos reigns within.

STEFFEN frowns and begins thumbing through his programme.

STEFFEN
I’m sure that wasn’t in the synopsis…

INT. – PLANE – COCKPIT – DAY

OTHNIEL
(sighing)
Thank goodness that Dad reinforced the Plane
with Implausibilium.

LUAKEL
(pointing at a sign)
Come on! This way to the exit!
Just through Times Square…

EXT. – TIMES SQUARE – DAY

Appropriately enough, Times Square is filled with pedestrians from all different periods of history – cavemen, Romans, Vikings, Napoleonic soldiers, etc. There are also a number of people on soapboxes shouting…

M.E.J.
Come my brothers! Stick it to ‘The Man’
and join the Nation of Victimislam…

The Grounded Plane knocks him off the soapbox and into the crowd, who begin tearing him apart

INT. – PLANE – COCKPIT – DAY

LUAKEL/OTHNIEL
(not sounding very sincere)
Sorreee…

EXT. – NEW YORK CITY LIMITS – DAY

We see the Plane driving on one of the motorways out of New York.

INT. – PLANE – COCKPIT – DAY

LUAKEL
Come on, we’ll have to press on
if we’re going to catch up with
the AH.com Intercity Premium.

OTHNIEL
Received and understood!
(winks)
I’ll just activate the nitroglycerine
injection system…

LUAKEL
Didn’t you pay attention in
Professor Thande’s classes?!
It’s nitrous oxide you use to enhance
internal combustion engines, not-

Something explodes in the back of the Plane, and the fields going past outside suddenly turn into a blur. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are both thrown back against their seats.

LUAKEL
-nnnnnitttroggglyyycerrrinneee…

EXT. – AH.COM – DUSK

The great castle of AH.com – mixing a half dozen different architectural styles from different time periods – sits in the middle of a great country estate somewhere near the west coast of the United States. In the distance, we can see the little town of Iansburg and the train station there; the AH.com Intercity Premium Train has just pulled up. A small fleet of modern S.U.V.s is driving down the road to Iansburg to pick up the students.

Then we pan around and see the Grounded Plane – now somewhat scorched and battered at the back from OTHNIEL’s nitroglycerine – come creaking into the grounds, obviously on its last legs.

INT. – PLANE – COCKPIT – DUSK

LUAKEL and OTHNIEL both look scarcely less battered than the Plane.

LUAKEL
(tiredly)
The train’s already here.
What are we going to do?

OTHNIEL
We’ll just have to sneak into the school
another way.

LUAKEL
(sarcastically)
Wow, teenagers sneaking INTO school,
how ironic is that?

OTHNIEL
(frowning)
They’ve always told us to stay away from
the Western side of the Bofinger Wing. I bet
there’s a way in there.

LUAKEL
What if they have a very good reason
for telling us to stay away from it?

The two look at each other.

BOTH
Nahhhhh!!!

EXT. – AH.COM – WESTERN SIDE OF BOFINGER WING – DUSK

The Plane rolls up. OTHNIEL leans out of the window and points.

OTHNIEL
There! That looks like a doorway,
just next to that giant statue.

LUAKEL
You’re right!

The two get out of the Plane. OTHNIEL pats its dashboard and it rolls away by itself into the trees of the nearby Inadvisable Copse.

OTHNIEL
(fondly)
Dad built her well.

LUAKEL
Okay…here’s the door and…AAARRGGHHH!

OTHNIEL spins around, but a giant hand grabs him as well. It’s a female human hand, but about ten feet across, and rather pale, with long talons instead of nails…

Another camera angle.

We see that LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are both being held in the giant fists of what they had mistaken for a statue. In fact, it’s…A GIANT VAMPIRE ALYSON HANNIGAN!!!

ALYSON HANNIGAN
I WAANT YOUUUR BLOOOOD!

LUAKEL
Oh cripes! It’s-

OTHNIEL
(gulps)
A Vamping Willow!

The GIANT ALYSON HANNIGAN begins to draw the two of them in toward her great, blood-streaked mouth with its yard-long fangs…

LUAKEL
(moaning)
Why couldn’t this have been Psycho?
He’d actually enjoy it!!

OTHNIEL
Maybe if I use my Podder…

OTHNIEL tries to reach his Podder in his pocket with his teeth – his hands are held to his side by the ALYSON HANNIGAN’s fingers – triumphantly manages to get hold of it, and pulls – only for the Podder to splinter and break, leaving a splinter lodged in his teeth, and bleeding brilliant Althistorical energies.

OTHNIEL
(indistinctly)
Oh mugber!

OTHNIEL slumps as the energies make him pass out, and LUAKEL watches in horror as his appearance shifts to that of a Hitler Youth, then a Mongol warrior, and then a medieval minstrel.

LUAKEL
Oh no…

VOICE
(VO)
Puttius Downus!

A bolt of energy is fired from somewhere near the ground and coruscates over the ALYSON HANNIGAN, who screams, opens her fists, and drops OTHNIEL and LUAKEL to the ground. She then runs away, each step causing the ground to shake.

LUAKEL looks up thankfully…into the eyes of PROFESSOR THANDE.

THANDE
(coldly)
Commer.
What – do – you – have – to – say – for – yourself?

LUAKEL
Errrr…
(hopefully)
Did you have a nice holiday, sir?

THANDE
(coldly, but gloatingly)
Not until now.
Come with me at once!

THANDE marches stuffily away. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL, both looking stunned with shock, numbly trail after him.

In the background, we can see that the Great Hall is lit up but there is dead silence, and then:

THE SORTING SHORTS
(VO)
PORNWATCHER!!!

THANDE
(to himself)
Bugger, another one.

INT. – THANDE’S STUDY – NIGHT

THANDE strides into his room and slams the great door behind him, almost crushing LUAKEL and OTHNIEL in the process. We get a glimpse of the study as THANDE sits down in the swivel chair behind his desk, which is light wood with a modern PC sitting on it. The study is daubed in shades of dark blue and grey and the walls are covered with world maps of the ‘Yorkshire Empire’. There is also a TV in one corner which is showing a static image of a younger THANDE receiving some award at a ceremony in the past.

THANDE sits down and glowers at the pair of them.

THANDE
So.
You have decided to throw the rules aside
and make your own way, leaving the
rest of us to pick up the pieces.
(snaps)
Well, I’m not having it!

OTHNIEL
But sir-

THANDE
(not listening)
Look!

THANDE dramatically throws down a copy of the New York Times and points to the headline. LUAKEL picks it up and reads it out loud:

LUAKEL
"The President Is No Good In Bed"?

Muttering, THANDE points to a smaller story below.

LUAKEL
Oh.
(grimly)
Ah.

Close up on the story: "Plane-car causes chaos on Broadway."

THANDE
We had to pull in the entire Sceptics Division
and draft in half of the Overanalysts as well
to deal with the fallout from this!
Fortunately that young protégé of the Secretary,
MerryPrankster, managed to convince the Otlers
that it couldn’t possibly be real because it had
clearly been stated in an offhand jokey comment
in an earlier episode that Othniel couldn’t drive
any vehicle without crashing it.
(smiling)
He’ll go far, that boy. At least one of the Canadas
is worth his salt…

OTHNIEL
(angrily)
You leave my family out of this!

THANDE
(ignoring him, sneering)
And Luaky Commer.
Obviously too good to just take the
train like everyone else.

LUAKEL
But we couldn’t get through the door
at the station! It was stuck!

THANDE
I know you’re both only second years
but you should really have some better
half-arsed excuse than that. I meant there
wasn’t a single mention of dogs eating homework…

OTHNIEL
I remember once when Herman was
studying Korean, his homework ate the dog.

THANDE
Enough of this!
(slams his fist down)
This cannot be tolerated!
Your punishment shall live in infamy!
(happily)
Even Aldroud will say ‘I say, steady on…’

LUAKEL and OTHNIEL exchange worried glances. Then:

FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
Openus Doorus!

ANOTHER FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
GAHHH!!!!

The door flies off its hinges with a burst of Althistorical smoke, and DOCTOR WHAT enters, lowering his Podder and brushing down his uniform. Behind him are IRONYUPPIE and MrP. All of them are wearing conical party hats with glittery tassels on.

THANDE
(muttering)
Why can’t he just open the door
like anyone else?
Mumble mumble like father like son…

DOCTOR WHAT
(brightly)
Luaky! Oth!
What happened back there?

LUAKEL
The door in the station-

OTHNIEL
(overlapping)
-stuck and we had to drive the Plane…

DOCTOR WHAT
(brightly)
I see, perfectly understandable.
Happened to me many a time.

IRONYUPPIE
(shocked)
But surely they should have some punishment?

THANDE
(scowling)
Indeed, I was thinking of something involving
barbed whips and red-hot chains…

DOCTOR WHAT
(puzzled)
I thought we were punishing them,
not rewarding them?

THANDE
Gahhh!!

THANDE grabs a much-dented old fork from his stationery tray and begins stabbing himself in the eye with it.

IRONYUPPIE
Forks, now, there’s a thought…

DOCTOR WHAT
(snapping his fingers)
No – I have it.
(nodding)
Luaky, Oth, as punishment, I’m
putting you on as Civil Service
interns over the holidays.

OTHNIEL
Oh dear.

DOCTOR WHAT
(winking)
And now – get to your accomodations tower.

LUAKEL
Not the great hall, sir?

IRONYUPPIE
(sniffily)
You’ve missed the Sorting Ceremony.
And it was a very fine one as well.

LUAKEL and OTHNIEL leave, chivvied out by DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE. THANDE is still stabbing himself with the fork. MrP is about to leave, pauses, and corrects a few grammatical errors on one of the wall map before exiting.

INT. – AH.COM – OUTSIDE PORNWATCHER ACCOMODATIONS TOWER – NIGHT

From the muffled noise, it seems that everyone else is already inside. However, the portrait of STEFFEN’S WORKMATE is still open, with MERRYPRANKSTER standing beside it wearing his Prefect outfit and looking at his watch.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(tutting)
This simply isn’t acceptable.
(sighs)
Oh well, at least I can talk to you some
more about that failure to give a surname
to that N.D. character who appeared for
three seconds in scene 23 of that movie…

STEFFEN’S WORKMATE
(sarcastically)
Sehr gut.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(impervious to sarcasm)
What was really silly was that the emblem
for that government department wasn’t quite consistent
with the one they’d established in the first film
of the trilogy, and-

LUAKEL and OTHNIEL hurry up.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You’re late!

OTHNIEL
At least you can go to bed now.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(thinks)
Oh yes.

The three of them go through the portrait hole and close it. STEFFEN’S WORKMATE breathes a sigh of relief.

INT. – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT

LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are about to go up to their dormitory when they spot a couple of familiar looking first years in Pornwatcher uniforms:

CHINGO
(happily)
hey guys! i’ve been sorted into pornwatcher!

LUAKEL
You don’t say…

CHINGO
this is my brand new friend
chunkeymonkey13q!

CHUNKEY
Hello communism wow socialism Luaky
proletariat Commer means of production!

CHINGO
(helpfully)
he has a rare condition where every second
word must be related to Marxist rhetoric.

LUAKEL
So I see…

CHUNKEY
Ash heap of history Luaky revolution
I’d bourgeois really international like
commune your nationalisation autograph!

LUAKEL
(as he works it out)
You want my autograph?

CHUNKEY
Hammer yeah sickle absolutely!

CHUNKEY pulls out an autograph book which is filled with pictures of socialist thinkers and their signatures. He flips to the last page where there is LUAKEL’s picture and a blank space.

CHUNKEY
Dictatorship sign general secretary here!

LUAKEL signs dubiously. Then CHUNKEY pulls out a large BBC-style video camera and films LUAKEL for several seconds.

LUAKEL
Er…?

CHUNKEY
Finished! aristocracy

CHUNKEY lowers the camera and pops the video tape out of the side, then breaks it open and proudly withdraws an ordinary still photograph from the inside.

LUAKEL
WTF?!

OTHNIEL
(laughing)
Unlike those stupid Otlers, our videos
consist of a single still image!
(snickers)
Stupid Otlers.

LUAKEL
(shakes his head)
Let’s go to bed.

LUAKEL and OTHNIEL go off to the second year dorm, CHUNKEY and CHINGO to the first.

INT. – SECOND YEAR DORM – NIGHT

The room is the same as last year but now has a large sign saying ‘Second Year’. Already present are PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL, who are arguing about something, when LUAKEL and OTHNIEL enters.

LUAKEL
(cheerfully)
Hi everyone! I-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s eyes suddenly glow red and he runs across the floor, hurling himself into them and smacking both of them down onto the floor. He begins punching both LUAKEL and OTHNIEL.

OTHNIEL
Hey! What’s that for?

PSYCHO
Your actions led to Alyson being hurt!
Now you must die die die!

LUAKEL
She was going to EAT us!

PSYCHO
Then you should be glad for your
pathetic mortal shells to serve as
sustenance for the Great Alyson!
(suddenly he starts crying)
Ah…why couldn’t I have been eaten by Alyson?!
(gets even more violent)
I kill you! I kill you all!

MICHAEL watches with interest, smoking a cigar. OTHNIEL desperately looks at him.

OTHNIEL
Michael! You hate Alyson Hannigan,
why don’t you help us?

MICHAEL
(thoughtfully tapping off the ash)
Y’see, that is a point, but you’ve got
to balance that against how entertaining
watching you two get the shit kicked out
of you is.

LUAKEL
Dammit.

Suddenly the door opens again and another twelve year old pupil in an AH.com uniform appears.

It’s THERMOPYLAE.

THERMOPYLAE
Hello everyone!

Pause – PSYCHO stops attacking LUAKEL and OTHNIEL – all stare at THERMOPYLAE.

LUAKEL
(coughing up blood)
You?! I thought you went to a foreign school!

THERMOPYLAE
(smiling nervously)
I did my first year at L’Academie Francais
de l’Histoire Alternatifs, in Bristol. But I’ve
transferred here and the Shorts put me in Pornwatcher.
(he winces a bit and steps from foot to foot)

MICHAEL
(eyes lighting up)
Hey – you know what this means?

PSYCHO
(eyes also lighting up)
Of course I do!

BOTH
N00B PUNISHMENT TIME!!!

Camera focuses on LUAKEL and OTHNIEL. PSYCHO and MICHAEL race past and we see lots of various debris being thrown about in the background.

THERMOPYLAE
(VO)
What? Help – no – aarrggh!

MICHAEL
(VO)
Y’know, his name sounds like Thermometer…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(VO, evilly)
Why don’t we go and take him to see Kit and Fell
and see if it’s accurate?

MICHAEL
(VO)
Good idea!

THERMOPYLAE
(VO)
NOOOOOO!!!!

His scream is abruptly cut off by the door slamming behind him as he is carried out by PSYCHO and MICHAEL.

LUAKEL
(shrugs)
Well, we seem to have got away with it, anyway.

OTHNIEL
(smiles)
The juvenile delinquents always get away with it
if they’re the good guys, Luaky.

The two friends laugh and get into their bunks.

There is darkness and silence for a moment. Then…

A dark figure comes rushing into the room, puffing and panting.

LEO CAESIUS
By the Mandaeans!
Hello, you two!

OTHNIEL
You’re even later than we were!
That’s so unlike you, you’re usually
Mr. Goody Two Shoes!

LEO
(embarrassed)
Yeah…I…
…was studying in the library and you
know, you lose track of time…

LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are opening and shutting their mouths like goldfish.

LUAKEL
Studying in the library.

OTHNIEL
On the first night of term.

BOTH
That’s our Leo!

They all laugh as LEO also gets into his bunk.

Fade out.

There now follows a montage of all the lessons on LUAKEL’s first day, separated by brief glimpses of he and his friends walking through the confusing, multiple-architectures-from-different-periods-of-history corridors of AH.com from one lesson to the next.

INT. – TRANSFORMATION CLASSROOM – DAY

Only the second year Pornwatchers are present for this class: LUAKEL, OTHNIEL, LEO, MICHAEL, PSYCHO and THERMOPYLAE. Everyone has a globe in front of them on their desks.

A cat wearing a hat jumps up onto the lectern and suddenly transforms into IRONYUPPIE, dressed as Red Sonja. THERMO is transfixed.

THERMO
Mm…Cat Woman…sweet…

LUAKEL
(grinning)
It gets everyone, Thermo mate.

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering)
At least he’s not as bad as that
new boy in Miseryguts…
(pulls herself together)
Right! Today, class, we’re going
to be transforming one dystopia
into another!

IRONYUPPIE points her Podder at her own globe, which shows a Fatherland type Axis victory world, then fires sparks at it and it transforms into a Soviet-dominated world. Impressed murmurs from the class.

IRONYUPPIE
The worst performer will be humiliated
a little in a faintly sexual way!
(winks)
The best performer will be
humiliated a lot in an overtly sexual way!

THERMO
Beginning to think I like this place…

IRONYUPPIE
Begin!

Pan around the room and we see what’s happening. MICHAEL is just focusing on Australia. He turns a ‘Ned Kelly County’ version into a ‘militarised alien invasion’ version, and then a ‘PM gets 400 successive terms’ version, before realising that’s actually OTL.

PSYCHO turns North America into a Decades of Darkness type scenario, then a militarised junta, then a McCarthyist terror state, getting more frustrated every time.

PSYCHO
Dammit!

OTHNIEL
What’s wrong? Those are good ones!

PSYCHO
I’m trying to get the most horrifying dystopia ever!
A timeline with no Irish immigration to the USA!

LUAKEL
(confused)
Why is that dystopic…?

PSYCHO
(slaps his head in despair)
Isn’t it obvious?! No Alyson Hannigan!

LUAKEL shakes his head and attempts something on his own globe, turning it into a worldwide corporate nightmare. He then turns to OTHNIEL and THERMO. THERMO flicks his Podder and turns his globe into one dominated by an evil version of the British Empire, and nods to himself.

OTHNIEL has his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he picks up his own Podder, which has been haphazardly stuck back together with PVA glue, the ordinary school glue that comes in the squidgy bottles.

LUAKEL
(dubiously)
Are you sure that’s safe?

OTHNIEL
Well, I can’t afford a new one…

OTHNIEL finally waves the Podder. An uncontrollable gout of sparks fly from the tip and knock the globe off the top of the desk altogether. IRONYUPPIE turns around at the sound and walks over, then picks up OTHNIEL’s globe and examines it.

IRONYUPPIE
(tuts)
You need more practice, Mr. Canada.
This is a utopia, not a dystopia!

Smiling, she puts down the globe, to reveal that every continent is the name colour and labelled ‘USA’.

OTHNIEL[b]
(hangs head)
Of course you’re right, Professor.
How could it possibly be anything else??

LUAKEL looks worried.

INT. – OTL HISTORY CLASS – DAY

As everyone troops in, LEEJ – an insubstantial looking teacher wearing a red and white striped shirt – quickly hides the old Captain Britain comic he’d been reading.

LEEJ
Ah, Commer, Canada.
Good to see you again, why aye.

OTHNIEL
Yes, sir.

The pupils sit down; LEEJ gets up and starts drawing on the blackboard with chalk.

LEEJ
Now. In this lesson I’ll be telling you
more about how OTL History works.
(scratching diagrams on the blackboard)
History is an eternal struggle towards the
Perfect Society represented by a global
British Empire, which everyone always
strives for…
(angry look appears)
But is always thwarted by those vile
subhuman AMERICANS!
(LEEJ’s chalk is crushed to dust in his
hand by his sudden anger)

THERMOPYLAE
(cheerfully)
You mean like this, sir?

THERMO hands LEEJ the globe with the worldwide British Empire.

LEEJ
(delighted)
Exactly! Good work, Mr. Pylae.
Now, where was I? Oh yes.
The nation state is now a complete
irrelevancy, except Britain obviously…

INT. – ALTERNATE CULTURE CLASSROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK is sitting atop a pile of cushions and examining first one shoe and then another as he addresses the class.

LANDSHARK
(grudgingly)
Your holiday homework is acceptable.
(puts the shoes down)
Now, for your first week’s assignment,
I want you to come up with 10 ways of
tormenting the Americans about the fact
that Doctor Who will not be available
there for another five months.

THERMO
(whispering)
I’m noticing a certain theme here…

LUAKEL and OTHNIEL nod.

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