The Search For Dubya
by David Atwell
Previously on Dubya Trek Part I
"Damn it Jim, Iím a doctor, not some Vulcan High Priestess."
"I recommend that we return to Earth and render a solution to the problem."
"You sure you donít mean the clown jewels there champ?"
"About the only thing I see as freaky is you falling out of the sky & sinking my ship."
"Well itís the civilian version of the Armyís Humvee if you really want to know."
The trio had less than a second to cringed before Rumsfeldís face hit the windscreen whilst displaying an expression indicating a mixture of surprise coupled with excruciating pain.
"You can register as a candidate for your partyís nomination for President if you like."
"But if Poppa was here, and Mom wasnít, heíd agree with us about Momís cooking"
Poppa did not get too far. The police pulled him over whilst on the way to the bar.
The Berman-Braga Manoeuvre
"Shipís Log; Star Date 2289.139. Mr Scottís repairs to the ship has ensured that we are at maximum efficiency. Mr Spock , likewise, had been at his efficient self assuring me that his modification to the scanners will allow us to identify the cause of the time anomaly once we arrive at Earth. Everything appears to be going as planned" Kirk concluded. But before he could log out, he was interrupted.
"Captain" announced Chekov.
"Thereís a Klingon Bird of Prey de-cloaking off our port bow!"
"Shields! Red Alert" demanded Kirk.
"Aye sir" said Chekov as he raised the defence shields. "Captain, I now read three Klingon ships to port."
"Have they charged their weapons?" Kirk asked.
"Yes sir, and they are ready to fire!" replied Chekov.
"Mr Sulu, evasive manoeuvres!" ordered Kirk.
"Captain, I have some strange readings from our sensors" said Spock.
"Explain" stated Kirk as the Klingon ships fired their first salvo.
"There are no life signs aboard these ships" Spock said as the Enterprise shook from an impact of weaponry.
"Return fire Mr Chekov" ordered Kirk.
At that point Bones walked onto the Bridge from the turbo lift. "Is someone shooting at us?"
"It looks that way Bones" replied Kirk.
"Captain, my scanners now report an unusually high concentration of Tachyon particles. Fascinating" concluded Spock.
"Could that be a cloaked ship?" asked Bones.
"Highly likely Bones" observed Kirk.
"You are correct Captain. There is a remnant trace of plasma energy. It appears to be of Romulan origin" Spock announced.
"So, you Klingon bastards arenít after me at all!" Kirk realised. "Target that tachyon concentration Mr Chekov. I want a full spread of photon torpedoes."
"Torpedoes away!" said Chekov to no one in particular.
The Enterprise fired numerous photon torpedoes in a pattern to the starboard away from the three Klingon Birds of Prey. At first the torpedoes missed their target, but eventually one of them exploded upon impacting an invisible object.
"Target that explosion" Kirk ordered in frightful anger. "Fire!"
The Romulan vessel began to de-cloak. The enemy shipís captain got on the communicator.
"Captain, I have a communication from the enemy commander" stated Uhura.
"Put it through, main viewer" said Kirk.
"Youíll never take us alive, Kirk!" announced the evil producer Berman.
In the background, however, Bermanís evil partner in crime, Braga, had other ideas. "We better go to warp now, you fool, while we can still escape!"
"No. We must kill Kirk so we can rule the Earth!" demanded Berman.
"I told you, Kirk was too good for us. Better to retreat & try again at another time & place!" Braga argued as the full weight of Enterpriseís weapons came to bare.
"Captain, the Romulan ship is suffering tremendous damage. Her warp core is about to explode" warned Spock.
"Berman! Braga! Beam yourselves and the crew across to Enterprise: your ship is about to be destroyed. Save yourselves" pleaded Kirk.
"Never!" shouted Berman as the Romulan vessel exploded. Braga did not get the chance to reply. Both died along with their ship.
"Captain!" shouted an excited Scotty over the intercom, "I donít know how much longer I can hold her together!"
"Do what you can Mr Scott. I need everything youíve got!" Kirk ordered.
"Captain" announced a calm Spock, "The Klingon ships have powered down. It seems that they were under the direct control of Berman and Braga."
"So by destroying them we disabled the Klingon ships" Bones surmised.
"Correct doctor" confirmed a somewhat
"Dubya is the Devil, Dubya is the Devil" a voice on the television announced. A few seconds later, once more through the static, the voice repeated "Dubya is the Devil, Dubya is the Devil". As if on cue, Dubya & Oli entered the living room a few seconds later.
"Hey bro, the TV just said that youíre the Devil" claimed Jeb.
"How can it say anything when all there is is static" observed Dubya.
"I donít know, but a voice said ĎDubya is the Devilí several times over" replied Jeb.
"Impossible Jeb. Dubya is too stupid to be the Devil" ventured Oli.
"Iím not stupid Oli. As far as you know I could be the Devil" protested Dubya.
"I highly doubt both claims there moron. If youíre not stupid then why is Poppa lingering in jail for something youíve done?" asked Oli.
"Because the fuzz canít do their jobs properly" Dubya quickly replied. "Thatís got nothing to do with me being stupid" continued Dubya.
"Well I donít know bro", Jeb cut in, "hey Oli, could there be a stupid Devil, because if so, then Iíd say Dubya was it" laughed Jeb
"Iím not a stupid Devil! Iím a smart Devil" demanded Dubya.
"Actually, Iíd say youíre a smart ass, bro."
"Jeb! Why donít you getÖ" Dubya started saying just as Mom Bush entered the room.
"Dubya! Wash youíre mouth out with soap. Thereíll be none of that language here, especially with youíre father in jail" shouted an angry Mom Bush. "I canít believe that you three are wasting time when you should be getting a good lawyer for Poppa."
"Weíve already have done that Mom", protested Dubya. "In fact the lawyer is with Poppa right now preparing for his defence."
"I hope heís a good one for your sake Dubya"
replied a scolding mother.
Trail By Jury
"Clearly, the police collected evidence which refutes your testimony, Mr Rumsfeld!" claimed John Ashcroft, Poppaís lawyer.
A sickly looking Rumsfeld, sitting in the witness box, replied "I saw his face, his unmistakable face, looking directly at me through the windscreen as I bounced off it! No one could forget that evil face."
"But police evidence clearly shows that three people were in the Humvee which hit you at the time! You donít mention that fact sir" Ashcroft inquired.
"Thatís circumstantial evidence & you know it. When the car hit me, there was only one person in it. I understand, when the police finally pulled the car over, only one person was indeed in it. And that person was Poppa Bush!" Rumsfeld argued whilst pointing at the accused.
Tom Clancy, Rumsfeldís lawyer called out, "Your Honour, how much longer can this court tolerate these fabrications being constructed by Mr Ashcroft?"
"Objection!" cried Ashcroft.
"Overruled!" stated Judge Kissinger. "Iíve had enough of this circus act Mr Ashcroft. Youíll drop this conspiracy theory nonsense at once or Iíll expedite the trail."
"What does that mean judge?" Poppa called out.
"Sit down" ordered Kissinger as he slammed down the hammer getting everyoneís attention. "Because of your ignorance, Iíll explain. It means Iíll call upon the jury for their decision immediately without further trial."
"You canít do that!" yelled Jeb.
"You damned well sure I can. And youíre in contempt! Bailiff take that man into custody" at which there was much shouting & protesting coming from the citizens watching the proceedings.
"Order, order in my court room!" Kissinger demanded.
"But my father didnít do it" shouted Jeb as he was dragged away. Many others started their protests again.
Kissinger was required to quieten down the court room once more before proceedings could continue. Thinking twice about Jebís sudden incarceration, he announced, "Clerk of the Court, considering the emotional circumstances, order the Bailiffs to release Jeb Bush at the end of this dayís business." Kissinger then turned to Ashcroft, "You may continue if you have anything further to ask."
"Thank you, your honour." After a second or two of deep thought, Ashcroft asked, "Can you, Mr Rumsfeld, confirm, whilst my client was President of the United States, that you stated, if you had the power, youíd have him tried for treason, but because you couldnít at the time, you have now turned this situation to your advantage in order to fulfil your nefarious wish?"
"Objection! Donít answer that," cried Clancy.
"Yes, I agree Mr Clancy" confirmed Kissinger. "I warned you before Mr Ashcroft about this conspiracy nonsense. Iím now expediting this trial to judgement by the Jury."
"But you canít," shouted Dubya, "I know who did it & it wasnít Poppa!"
"Sit down & shut-up, or Iíll throw you into the same jail cell with your brother" Kissinger threatened as he hammered away demanding obedience. Then, when silence was eventually restored, Kissinger asked, "What say you Mr Foreman?"
"We, the jury, find the defendant, Poppa Bush, guilty as charged."
"Hang him judge!" yelled Clancy.
"Thereíll be no hangings" said Kissinger in reply.
"Fry his ass then!" pleaded Rumsfeld.
"Sit down Mr Rumsfeld. Thereíll be none of that either" declared Kissinger.
"Can you fry his ass then judge?" Dubya called out whilst pointing at Rumsfeld.
"Order! Iíll have order in my court"
Kissinger demanded whilst once more hammering away.
A Man of the People
The news crews pounced on the Bush family, minus Poppa, as they descended down the front steps of the court house. Questions were being asked in random order without any concern for the answers. None of the members of the Bush family could deal with the chaos around them. That was until one of the television cameramen fell over backwards down the steps taking a number of his colleagues with him.
Now that there was some space created around them, & that the reporters had stopped with their questions for a few seconds, the Bush family was able to catch their breath. Oli, at this point, intervened between the two groups & managed to get some order from the madness swirling around. "One question at a time please, otherwise thereíll be nothing" Oli announced firmly.
Immediately the FOX-News reporter asked her question "Now that Poppa Bush has been found guilty, what is your reaction?" she said to Mom Bush.
Mom Bush could not take the pressure & simply burst into tears.
Dubya got in the way & assumed a tall & straight posture. "Please, leave my Mom alone. Sheís had enough. Iíll answer all of your questions."
Above the noise, Jeb could be heard, "Do you think thatís a good idea bro?" to which Dubya did not reply.
The FOX-News reporter repeated her question.
"I know that there has been a great injustice done here today" Dubya said rather eloquently. "My father is thoroughly innocent. The judge would not allow evidence to show this fact. Not only do I demand a retrial, but I demand massive reforms to the entire judicial process in our country. We the People have been betrayed by a corrupt government & judicial system!"
Jeb & Oli stared in horror, with mouths wide open, at that last statement.
"Is the government out to get your family?" the FOX-News reporter asked.
"Itís simple. My father was a President of this country. He was a Republican. It doesnít take too much brain power to link the Democrats with this persecution of this great American, my father" Dubya claimed.
Needless to say there were a flurry of questions which followed. One reporter asked "Is it true that youíve registered for the Republican Presidential nomination?"
This caught Dubya out as he had forgotten all about signing up for the nomination. That was until Jeb remembered the day at the voter registration booth. "Yes, Dubya registered for the Republican nomination on the very day Poppa was arrested."
To this, Dubya further offered, "You see, not only are my fatherís enemies out to destroy him, but theyíre trying to smear my campaign for the Presidency before itís even begun. We must stand up to these people. This is un-American behaviour. We must always be vigilant for the good of our country. We must ensure American democracy is equal & just for all!"
After this statement, Jeb turned to Oli & quietly said, "Do you think he has any idea what heís saying?"
"I donít know about you Jeb, but it sounds damn good to me. Iím wanting to pull my gun out right now & start pluggin those Democrat bastards!" Oli replied too loudly.
On hearing Oliís comment, a group of onlookers, in fact even some of the reporters, let out a loud cheer of support, which could be clearly heard on the television. Thinking the cheers were for Dubya, & not for Oliís off the cuff remark, the FOX-News reporter turned to her cameraman & said, "There Rod, you heard it. Dubya Bush is standing for the Republican Presidential nomination with the full support of everyone here. In the face of much hardship & injustice, in defiance of the attacks upon his father & himself, these are truly the signs of a great leader. Clearly, & many believe its been a long time coming, legal reforms have become a major policy issue for the Presidential campaign. I believe that thereís no one else, at this time, who is truly capable of making them happen other than Dubya Bush."
It was hardly an unbiased report. Obviously the FOX
Network had just endorsed Dubya for the Presidential campaign. By doing so, it
would also ensure that their ratings would increase by such a controversial act,
regardless whether it was ethical or not.
"I got a strange phone call this morning Bill" said Hilary Clinton. "It was in relation to Poppa Bush."
"That old fart? I heard he tried to run over Rumsfeld. No loss for either of them, if you want my opinion" replied the President whilst he read the sports page of the Washington Times. On the front page, which the President did not bother with, the headline proclaimed Dubya Leads Crusade for American Justice.
"Well that may not be the case. Poppaís son, Dubya, is getting good headlines. He could be a threat in 2000" Hilary reported.
"Who, that idiot?" asked Bill Clinton.
"Yes him. I think heís a lot more shrewd than many think. Even if he does come across as a moron" offered Hilary.
"Well, Iíll agree with you there about the moron part" answered Bill. "So what was the phone call about?"
"Itís hard to explain. I donít even know if I believe what I was told, but thereís a chance Iím a Bush" Hilary explained with some scepticism.
All the President could do was to laugh in a hardy fashion. When he eventually settled down, Bill inquired "I know itís not April Fools Day, but honestly Hilary, I canít imagine you being part of that crazy hillbilly family."
"Nor can I, but itís just strange that Dubya would make such a phone call. He even challenged me to have a DAA test."
"DNA test, honey" Bill cut in correcting his wife.
"Oh yeah, I canít believe I got that wrong" laughed Hilary, "Maybe I am related after all."
"I seriously hope not" said a somewhat concerned American President.
"But regardless, Bill, I do think you should look into this Poppa Bush business. If for no other reason, I know the trial was a sham. It appears that Rumsfeld took advantage of the situation to punish Poppa for whatever reason."
"Why should I care if two senior Republicans are out to kill each other? Better them doing that than having Republicans come after me" reasoned Bill.
"Bill, you must pardon him, for me, if not for America" Hilary pleaded. "Besides, it would make good sense politics wise. It takes away from Dubya his one major advantage come the election. Al may even have a chance!"
"You know, come to think of it, I donít know who would be worse for the country, having Al or Dubya as President. Any chance we can change the Constitution allowing me to remain in the White House for another term?" asked Bill Clinton.
"After Monica, youíre lucky youíve still got
all your amendments left, let alone any new ones for the Constitution,
Bill" threatened Hilary with an icy stare.
Even though Dubya had gained the Republican nomination for the Presidency, there was still a chance that he may not win. Poppa had been set free, so Dubyaís main cry about injustice was, all but, taken away. As a result, a new strategy had to be used to ensure that victory would be certain.
"Are you sure this is legal bro?" a dubious Jeb asked his brother.
"Yes. Everyone is entitled to vote, even you & me. Itís in the Constitution" answered Dubya.
"I thought it meant you only voted once" offered Jeb.
"Nope. It doesnít say anything about that. I have read it you know" defended Dubya.
"Well you may have read it, but I doubt that you know what it means" reasoned Jeb.
"Very funny bro, very funny. Not!" replied Dubya.
Just then Oli stuck his head into the electoral ballot counting room "Have you two finished yet or what?"
"We havenít started Oli. Keep guard & tell us if anyoneís coming" ordered Dubya.
"Man, if you werenít really running for President Iíd shoot you right here & now" stated Oli as he went back to sentry duty.
"Quick Jeb. Grab those ones & start punching holes in them" said Dubya.
"Do you punch them or tick these ones?" asked Jeb.
"You use those punching machines over there", answered Dubya as he walked over to the machines. "Look, like this. Make sure you punch my hole."
"You mean your asshole?" a sarcastic Jeb inquired.
"Thatís not funny bro, especially when youíre talking to the next President" a somewhat disgruntled Dubya demanded.
"Youíre only going to be President because weíve been voting like this at hundreds of places up and down the east coast. Somehow I donít think this is legal bro, even in Florida" protested Jeb.
"Well it wasnít my idea, it was Poppaís. This is exactly how he became President", Dubya explained. "And what worked for Poppa will work for me".
"So we can expect you to get thrown in jail for something you didnít do too, hey bro?"
"You know", Dubya said ignoring Jebís half baited question, "itís funny. Life is, that is. Poppa gets thrown in jail, which gives me the chance to go on a human rights crusade against injustice, & then I become popular with the People. And now here we are righting that wrong done to Poppa by voting. Donít you just love democracy bro? Donít you just love America Jeb?"
"Knock it off moron. Iím ya brother, not a mom
with a baby to kiss" Jeb said in a somewhat annoyed fashion. "And youíll
love a jail cell too if someone catches us voting this much, regardless of how
much America loves democracy."
"Hell! I knew weíd get caught sooner or later" said Jeb.
"How can we escape Oli?" asked a scared Dubya.
"Quick, out the window! Iíll hold them off with my gun" replied Oil.
"Ah Oli, I donít think wasting the voting clerks is a good idea," suggested Jeb. "Someone may well ask questions about why is a friend of Dubyaís shooting people counting votes. Besides, this isnít a post office you know."
"Jebís right Oli. No shooting people, especially if thereís a chance that I could get caught. Youíre coming with us."
"But you hit people with my Humvee! Thatís what started all this in the first place" protested Oli.
"I only hit one person Oli, that Rumsfeld jerkoff, not people!" Dubya retorted defending himself.
"Whatever. That still doesnít mean that I canít I shoot people. Besides, Iíve always wanted to make a last great stand. You know, like Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid?" dreamt Oli.
"Another time dude. Letís get out of here before they do to us what they did to your butch dude" ordered Dubya.
"You know Oli", Jeb said at the window, "there are times when you worry me man."
"I worry you? You do know you share his genes donít
you?" Oli replied as the three dove out the window to safety.
The Lord of DC
"Dubya, sit down will you" pleaded Hilary.
"No, I want to savoir this moment. Like how many times do you get to do this?" replied Dubya.
"Iíve done it three times now. Twice when I was President & this time" stated Bill.
"Well this is my first time. Wow the people here love me," observed Dubya. "Hey Bill, any hints on what to do when they swear me in?"
"Donít fall over & say the lines you were given in the right order," advised the outgoing President.
"And donít, in your speech, say anything about me being your long lost sister," Hilary threatened more than suggested.
"Oh I wonít. No one would believe me anyway."
"Yes, like I canít believe that youíre going to be the President instead of Al," a cynical Bill cut in. "How did you do it anyway?"
"I guess Iím a man of the People" answered Dubya knowing full well he rigged the election.
"Good, at last, we are here" observed Bill as Dubya jumped from the Presidential convertible & began jugging up the steps to his date with destiny. Awaiting at the location of the ceremony, Poppa, Mom & Jeb Bush, along with Dick Cheney, were already waiting, as was the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
"Hi Mom, Poppa, Jeb. Hi Mr Chief Justice" Dubya said with glee. "Ready to be my vice, Dick?" to which Cheney made an embarrassing chuckle in reply.
"Behave yourself Dubya or the Chief Justice will throw you in jail" was all Poppa could say.
"Now repeat after me," the Chief Justice requested to Dubya, "I, Dubya Bush."
"I, Dubya Bush."
"Do solemnly swear"
"Do solemnly swear," whereupon Dubya began to glow an off white colour whilst a strange high pitched sound could be heard. It took less than a second before he was transformed into nothing but bright light & sound. Just as the Presidential protection group got into action, though, the bright light had vanished along with Dubya. The President had disappeared into thin air!
Cheney could not believe what had just happened and that, combined with the realisation that he would become President, was far too much for his heart.
America was instantly transformed into a leaderless
country. Political crisis was at hand. What would the future thus behold?
Do The Time Warp
"I have him captain" Scotty announced over the intercom. "Heís now in the brig as ordered, sir"
"Good work Mr Scott" replied Kirk. "Bones, Mr Spock, youíre with me. We need to have a chat with our guest."
"Let me out of here" demanded Dubya as three uniformed human looking characters entered the brig of the Enterprise. "Do you know who I am? Iím the President of the United States!"
"Actually, sir, you are a time dimensional anomaly" Spock cut in correcting Dubya.
"Iím a what?" a confused Dubya asked.
"A time dimensional anomaly" repeated Spock.
"Whatever, let me out of here at once. That an order!" decreed Dubya.
"Iím afraid I canít do that just yet, Mr Dubya is it?" announced Kirk, "Not until weíve had a chat first. Mr Spock would like to ask you a few questions."
At Kirkís introduction, Spock placed a hand on Dubyaís temple. "Hey, you donít need to touch my head to talk to me. Whatís with the ears?" was Dubyaís last words before the Vulcan mind-meld took over his consciousness.
"Are you connected to him, Mr Spock?" asked Kirk.
"Yes captain. It required little effort" reported Spock.
"What, already? Not much resistance there Spock" observed Bones.
"Actually doctor, not much intelligence" replied the Vulcan First Officer.
"So I trust your mind-meld was a total success Mr Spock?" inquired Kirk.
"Yes captain. He will not recall a thing about our intervention, whilst the rest of his experiences of late will be remembered like a dream" explained Spock.
"Spock, do your calculations for dimensional
travel immediately!" ordered Kirk. "We must take Mr Dubya back to his
own time & existence as soon as possible. Then things may get back to normal
Dubya woke up with a fright. His dream seemed all so real. But here he was, were he assumed he should have been, being woken by a phone ringing beside his bed.
"Can you get that Dubya? Itíll be for you anyway" a womanís voice said from the other side of the bed.
"What the?" a stunned Dubya muttered.
"Answer the phone hon" requested Laura Bush.
Still groggy, & somewhat confused, Dubya picked up the phone. "Dubya, itís Jeb. I have hassles here. The Democrats want a recount of the Florida vote, not to mention the commencement of court action against the whole voting procedure. What do you want me to do Mr President Elect?"
Dubya was speechless. What alternate universe, he asked
himself, was he in this time?