Going Where No Dubya Has Gone Before
A sequel to Bros. Incorporated etc...
By David Atwell
To dream the impossible dream,
To right the unrightable wrong,
This is my quest, to follow that star,
Man of La Mancha
Heís Back, From Outer Space
"Shipís Log; Star Date 2289.132. The Enterprise has experienced some form of time anomaly. Mr Spock is currently conducting tests to see what happened. According to the shipís clock, we have travelled back in time to somewhere in the late 1990s. Mr Spock has speculated that the origin of the anomaly is possibly on Earth. I have accordingly ordered the ship to Earth to ensure that there has been no violation of the Prime Directive or the Space-Time Continuum" concluded Captain James T. Kirk.
"Captain" Scotty interrupted over the intercom.
"Yes Mr Scott" replied Kirk.
"Damage control parties have everything under control" Scotty reported, "but thereís one thing Captain."
"Whatís that Mr Scott?" asked Kirk.
"Sheís taken quite a wallop. Thereís no saying how much more she can take" Scotty announced.
"Iíll take that under advisement, Mr Scott. Kirk out."
Just then there was a knock on the door to the Captainís cabin. Kirk finished up at his desk & then opened the door to reveal Mr Spock & Dr McCoy.
"Whoís been holding up the damned door?" Bones McCoy complained.
"Careful doctor" Spock advised, "You must keep control of your emotions. They will be your undoing. Logic would suggestÖ"
"My God Spock! Weíre in the middle of a major galactic crisis and the man is talking about logic", Bones protested. The doctor, now turning towards the First Officer, "You green blooded, inhumanÖ"
"Bones!" Kirk said getting the two menís attention.
"Damn it Jim, Iím a doctor, not some Vulcan High Priestess" Bones pointed out.
Kirk, ignoring Bonesí last statement, ordered "Spock. Report"
"Captain, my initial calculations were correct. The cause of the time anomaly is on Earth. We must, however, get closer before I can ascertain the exact location of the origin. I recommend that we return to Earth and render a solution to the problem" concluded Spock.
"And how might we do that Spock? Use Logic?" asked a sceptical Bones.
"Exactly doctor. We will use the application of logic" answered Spock.
"Get this, I insult him and he takes it as a compliment" Bones announced to Kirk.
"Bones, enough!" said an irritated Kirk. He then turned to Spock, "Thank you Mr Spock. That is exactly what I intend to do" confirmed the Captain.
Spock raised an eyebrow in recognition of his captainís wisdom.
"Swell. Well Iím going to get some strong Tennessee whisky. Care for a
snort Spock?" offered Bones.
Encounters With Buffy
It was a quiet summerís night in Sunnydale California. Nonetheless, Buffy, Willow & Xander were out on patrol. Not only were the usual evil demons & other related paranormal objects around, but to make matters worse, politicians were in town. And it was not just your garden variety type of politicians either, but high ranking Republicans from various positions around the country including governors and the like.
The Grand Old Party was in town for a conference. There were many things up for discussion, including the all important upcoming Presidential nomination race. Several governors were interested as were several senators. Much of the talk at the conference, however, was merely a facade. The Presidential hopefuls would carry on regardless to what was agreed upon here.
Out from a bar, one of the Republican delegates stumbled. Being thoroughly intoxicated, the man continued to wonder to & fro down the street towards his hotel. A vampire or two may have taken advantage of the situation if it was not for the fact that it was obvious that Buffy the Slayer was on patrol. The living dead had decided long ago to leave downtown Sunnydale to the living.
"Oh no" said Xander, "you know I think this town is under more threat from the drunks these days."
"Well at least theyíre harmless" replied Willow, "kind of-ish."
"Easy targets though" added Buffy.
"Hey, if a vampire drinks the blood of a drunk, does the vampire get drunk too?" wondered Xander.
"Hi there young ladies" the drunk interrupted.
"Iím not a lady" replied Xander.
"Oh. Gee, let me look at you" the drunk mumbled. "Ah! You sure about that? You look like a girl to me."
"Yes Iím sure about that!" an irritated Xander stated.
"I tell you what kiddy, clear off up the street & let this man do his stuff" ordered the drunk.
"I tell you what champ, why donít you make me" Xander said all man like.
"Xander, donít" cautioned Buffy.
"Take your orders from a girl, eh?" challenged the drunk.
"Oh dear, here we go" observed Willow.
"Go? Yeah! How about you two ladies go with me to my hotel room & party?" asked the drunk, "Especially you blondie."
"How about you take a hike?" demanded Xander.
"Clear off kid" the drunk said as he pushed Xander away tripping him over in the process. "Let a real man have the women."
"Iíve had enough of you, you old perv" whereupon Buffy kicked the drunk in the groin.
"Oh, the crown jewels!" screamed the drunk as he bent forward in pain.
"You sure you donít mean the clown jewels there champ?" Xander asked sarcastically whilst getting back up.
Buffy called out "Willow, a dimension gate spell. Quick!"
Willow did her magic spell with much haste. She completed it just in time
before Buffy kicked the drunk in his backside. The power of the kick pushed the
drunk forward towards the dimension gate. There was nothing which the drunk
could do as it all happened way too fast. Within a second he had fallen through
the gate and was gone.
"Nothing seems to be biting" Oliver North said whilst sitting in the dingy holding a fishing rod.
"Well maybe you shouldnít have used that grenade earlier Oli" Jeb replied with another fishing rod in hand.
"It worked in Crocodile Dundee you know" defended Oli
"He used dynamite in New York Harbour, not a grenade. Besides, this isnít the movies Oli" Jeb pointed out.
"Quiet, youíll scare the fish" warned Oli.
"Iíll scare them?" protested Jeb shaking his head. "Hey, whatís that noise?"
Out from the sky fell Dubya. One second Dubya thought he was only going to land face first on the street, but after a bright flash, he could tell he was falling towards water from a great height. Realising something was wrong, Dubya screamed out words which cannot be written here save for several *bleeps* edited in by the censor.
Then Dubya touched down on planet Earth. Actually it was more like crashing though Jeb & Oliís dingy.
"Incoming!" shouted an alerted Oli.
"Itís already come & gone, moron" replied Jeb as the dingy began to sink.
"What do you reckon that was?" Oli asked as he clung onto the sinking dingy.
"No idea. Itís not as if things come falling out of the sky every day, Oli" Jeb answered as he began swimming.
"Bird shit does" Oli observed.
"Holy Crap!" Dubya coughed out as he broke the surface of the water & grabbed onto the remains of the now sunken dingy.
"Hey bro, I thought you said that you didnít want to come fishing?" Jeb asked.
"Dubya you idiot. Youíve wrecked my ship" Oli reported.
"What the? Jeb! Oli! Youíre both alive!" a dazed Dubya announced.
"Itís not a ship Oli, itís a boat" corrected Jeb.
"Well I was in the army so what do I know about navy things?" argued Oli.
"Youíre both alive!" a now jubilant Dubya repeated himself.
"No thanks to you, moron" snapped Oli. "What the hell did you think that you were doing?"
"I canít believe that youíre not dead Oli. You too Jeb." Then Dubya realised where they were; "Hey, there arenít any alligators in here are there?"
"I swear it isnít going to be alligators youíve got to worry about when we get back on shore" warned Oli.
"Why would we be dead bro?" Jeb asked.
"It happened a few years ago" Dubya began to explain.
"Well as you can see, weíre alive" concluded Oli.
"Yeah. Thatís freaky" observed Dubya.
"About the only thing I see as freaky is you falling out of the sky & sinking my ship" Oli protested.
"Boat" corrected Jeb.
"Whatever!" shouted an annoyed Oli.
"Yeah, I think itís a boat" Dubya said supporting his brother.
"Well itís a sunken tub of crap now. Isnít it? You jerk!" declared Oli.
"Quiet or youíll scare the fish" Dubya advised.
"Iíll scare them? Have you looked into a mirror lately shit for
brains?" Oli roared in anger, as the three of them paddled their way to the
shore whilst being supported by the floating remains of the dingy.
The Undiscovered Country
As it turned out, Oli had a busted arm from the incident on the lake. That, temporally, saved Dubya from a facial massage. Furthermore, it meant that Oli could not drive. As a peace offering, Dubya offered to drive in order to make up for destroying Oliís dingy. This arrangement was, of course, against the wisdom of Jeb.
"Nice car, Oli" Dubya said as they drove away from the camp site.
"Itís an SUV" North corrected Dubya.
"Actually, itís more like a truck Oli" Jeb observed.
"Well itís the civilian version of the Armyís Humvee if you really want to know. Sadly, I couldnít get the real thing" Oli reported somewhat irritated. "At least itís much cheaper than a real one."
Just then, whilst on the drive back to civilisation, they turned onto a two lane highway.
"Finally! A real road" Dubya observed.
"Donít do anything stupid bro" Jeb advised.
"I wonít. You know me" Dubya said.
"Thatís what Iím afraid of, bro."
"Holy Crap!" Dubya cried out unexpectedly. "Itís the cops! Theyíve found me!"
Dubya acted instinctively and floored the accelerator peddle. It did not take long for the police car to turn around and begin chasing after the now speeding Olimobile.
"What the hell are you doing Dubya?" demanded Oli whilst a police siren sounded in the background.
"Theyíre after me!"
"Why?" Oli & Jeb inquired in unison.
"I donít know. They just are. They work for Poppa you know. Itís not the first time either!" babbled Dubya.
"What are you talking about Dubya?" Oli insisted
Before Dubya could answer, Jeb screamed "Look out!"
"My Humvee!" cried Oli as his speeding vehicle hit a few things.
"Hey Dubya, if we wanted to run over letterboxes you should have let Oli drive, bro" Jeb suggested.
"First my ship and now my Humvee!" Oli complained.
"Boat" corrected Jeb.
"Whatever" cried Oli.
"Well, Iím not meaning to hit them or anything else for that matter. Itís just, that, theyíre just in the way!" Dubya pointed out.
"Letterboxes are usually meant to be on the side of the road, idiot. Fast moving vehicles arenít" commented Oli.
"Look out! Thereís another one!" shouted Jeb.
"Too late!" Dubya said as the Humvee drove over another letterbox.
Clear and Present Danger
The police car chase continued into town. There, in the town, a potential leading Republican candidate for the Presidential nomination, Donald Rumsfeld, had just completed a meeting with the townís mayor. Just at that moment, however, when he began to cross the street, Rumsfeld heard a police siren.
As most people do, Rumsfeld stopped to see where the siren was coming from. Staying to the side of the road, Rumsfeld thought he was safe. Unfortunately, that may have been the case until the Olimobile came out of no where and headed straight for him.
"Hey! Whoís that?" Jeb asked pointing to a figure to the front of them.
"He looks kind of familiar from somewhere" Dubya suggested.
"Ah bro, weíre heading straight for him" cautioned Jeb.
"I know, but the carís steering isnít doing its thing" announced Dubya.
"Oh no!" screamed Oli. The trio had less than a second to cringed before Rumsfeldís face hit the windscreen whilst displaying an expression indicating a mixture of surprise coupled with excruciating pain. After what seemed like an hour, but what was in reality no more than a second, the ugly sight had gone.
"Damn! Did you see that?" Dubya asked.
"Iíd say thatíll be one pissed off dude there bro. Did you see the look on his face?" observed Jeb.
"No, I was too busy looking out for letterboxes, what do you think?" Dubya sarcastically replied.
"Maybe we should go back & see if heís OK" wondered Oli.
"What, with the cops on our tail? No way!" stated Dubya.
As it turned out, those in the Olimobile did not have to go back. The police car pursuing them stopped to render assistance to Rumsfeld. Needless to say, the incident was called in as a hit & run. Rumsfeld, however, would have to pull out of the Republican candidate nomination race.
"Quick!" Jeb said, "Pull in there."
"You do know weíre just down the street, donít you?" Dubya warned.
"Yes, but we should hide for a bit" Jeb explained.
"Good idea" agreed Oli.
"Whatís this place?" asked Dubya.
"It says Ďvoter registrationí over the door" Oli read out loud.
"Is that a good place to hide?" inquired Dubya.
"Sure it is bro. Thereíll be no one there. Plus if the cops come looking, weíll look like responsible citizens. Weíll never be thought of as criminals" explained Jeb.
"Do you want to take a bet on that Jeb?" commented Oli.
Ten minutes later they had all registered. But there was still more time to waist before things were safe. "Is there anything else that we can register for?" Dubya asked the clerk.
"Sure honey", the voting clerk replied, "You can register as a candidate for your partyís nomination for President if you like."
"Sounds good. Whereís the form?" a straight faced Dubya inquired whist looking all innocent.
"Right here sweetie" a now sceptical clerk said as she handed over the form to Dubya. "Youíll need to write in your partyís name there. You do know which party you belong to, donít you?"
"Which party do I belong to bro?" Dubya asked Jeb.
"Better make it the same one that Poppa belongs to" Jeb advised.
"And whoís that?"
"Republican. I think" answered Jeb.
"You think?" asked Oli.
"Well I donít know for certain. I was drunk with him most of the time when Poppa was President" Jeb said as he pointed towards Dubya.
The voting clerk, Condoleezza Rice, shock her head and watched on in total
fascination, as Dubya tried to fill out the form.
The Journey Home
"OK, the coast is clear!" announced Oli.
"Then letís go" said Jeb.
The trio tried to look innocent as they headed for the Olimobile. Condoleezza Rice, already suspecting something was wrong, looked out the window to see the Humvee parked outside & saw a large dent in the front grille. Not thinking much notice of it at the time, however, she would later pass on the details of her experience when the police came calling.
"Where to?" inquired Dubya.
"Home to Poppa I guess, unless Oli has a better idea" Jeb answered.
"Sounds good to me" confirmed Oli.
"Home it is then" a partly concerned Dubya announced.
"Youíre not going to do any other stupid things are you Dubya?" asked a concerned Oli.
"What other stupid things?"
"Like taking off from police cars at high speeds, running over letterboxes, having people hit the windscreen like they were bugs. That kind of thing" Oli explained.
"Nope. Iíve got other things to do instead" replied Dubya.
"I still canít believe the look on that guyís face" Jeb casually stated.
"Yeah, you can still see the impression on the windscreen if you look hard enough" Dubya observed.
"Where?" asked Oli.
"Just there" Dubya said pointing at the spot.
"I canít see it" Oli said
"Look harder. You need to get the angle of the light just right" Dubya explained.
"Oh yeah. Man that looks painful" Oli observed at the impression left from Rumsfeldís face.
"Maybe I should drive" offered Jeb.
"Too late Jeb" Dubya stated as the Olimobile took off heading for home.
Dubya took it easy this time. Nonetheless Jeb and Oli continued to worry that the split second they saw a police car, Dubya would plant the peddle again and history would repeat itself. Thankfully that did not happen.
"Iím hungry" said Dubya
"Well you should have eaten something" suggested Jeb.
"Back at the town" said Oli.
"I thought we were hiding from the cops?" asked Dubya.
"Well whoís fault was that, moron?" replied Oli.
"I didnít mean to have the guy hit the windscreen" protested Dubya.
"Well, where did you mean him to hit then bro?" inquired Jeb.
"I donít know, but not the windscreen. Anyway, Iím still hungry" defended Dubya.
"Too bad. Weíll be at Poppaís place soon, so youíll just have to wait" Oli pointed out.
"You mean we have to eat Momís cooking?" Dubya asked.
"Whatís wrong with Momís cooking?" protested Jeb.
"It tastes like leather. That turkey we had for last yearís Thanksgiving really sucked" concluded Dubya.
"Heís right there Jeb" Oli said in support of Dubya. "Actually, come to think of it, so did that Christmas whatever it was. What was it Jeb?"
"I donít know. I didnít cook it" replied Jeb.
"Was it even food?" asked Oli.
"The dogs thought so" laughed Dubya.
"Very funny. Iím laughing so much Iíve lost all bladder control" said a sarcastic Jeb.
"Not in my Humvee you havenít. Itís bad enough with him hitting letterboxes and people with itÖ" Oli started to warn.
"I only hit one person, not Ďpeopleí" Dubya cut in correcting Oli.
"Relax Oli. I bet you two wouldnít be saying these things if Mom was here" protested Jeb.
"But if Poppa was here, and Mom wasnít, heíd agree with us about Momís cooking" Dubya argued.
"Yes, heís got a point there Jeb" added Oli.
"Iím going to tell Mom you said that bro. And you too Oli."
"Oh Iím real scared!" declared a mocking Dubya.
"Look. Weíre here. Finally, thank God!" Oli said as Dubya pulled
up into the driveway of Poppaís house.
Enemy of the People
"What the hell are you doing here?" demanded Poppa.
"Jeb suggested we drop in" answered Dubya.
"Well that makes it all right or something does it?" Poppa sarcastically inquired.
"Now Poppa, donít go picking on the boy!" an irritated Mom Bush ordered. "Why donít you two get over it & grow up?"
"Yeah, like what Mom said. Hi Mom" Dubya said as he gave Mom Bush a hug.
"Oh Iíll get over it when heís six feet under!" replied Poppa.
"How dare you say such a thing about our boy!" scolded Mom Bush.
"Hi Poppa" both Jeb & Oli announced.
"I thought I told you never to bring him here" Poppa reminded Jeb.
"You mean Oli?" Jeb said playing dumb.
"No. I mean this one" Poppa replied whilst pointing at Dubya.
"Well, we were kind of in a hurry & we needed to go somewhere" Jeb explained while leaving out various important details.
"Somewhere! Why here?" Poppa demanded to know.
"Well there was no other place we could really take him" interjected Oli trying to be helpful.
"Werenít you supposed to be out fishing for the weekend or something?" asked Poppa.
"Ah, yeah I was, but then Dubya turned up" replied Oli.
"Enough said. Scared all the fish away did he?" Poppa laughed.
"Something like that" confirmed Jeb.
"I didnít scare anything away" complained Dubya.
"Shut-up moron. With a face like yours, even the Elephant Man would go running" Poppa pointed out.
"Poppa. I will not have you bad mouthing the boy like that" Mom Bush ordered.
"Ha! The night is young! Just wait until I come home drunk. Iím off to the bar. Heís all yours" Poppa said as he walked out the door.
After a few seconds of hellos & the like with Mom Bush, Oli called out "Hey, heís taken off in my Humvee! Did you leave the keys in it Dubya?"
"Oh yeah" Jeb observed out the lounge room window.
"What are you talking about Oli?" asked Mom Bush.
"Poppa. Heís taken off in my Humvee" repeated Oli.
"Whatís a Humvee?" asked Mom Bush.
"My car. The one that was just parked there in the drive" Oli pointed out.
"Yeah, I left the keys in it, Oli. I didnít know what kind of reception weíd get" explained Dubya.
"Well just great! What are we gonna do now?" Oli wanted to know.
"Now, now Oli" Mom Bush said kindly. "Poppa wonít go far. Heís a cheap drunk. Heíll be back soon. Why donít I cook you all some dinner?" The acceptances from our three heroes was far from enthusiastic.
Poppa did not get too far. The police pulled him over whilst on the way to
the bar. Needless to say, they were not in a friendly moodÖ
Next Time on Dubya Trek Part II: The Search
"Thereís a Klingon Bird of Prey de-cloaking off our port bow!"
"Youíll never take us alive, Kirk!"
"We, the jury, find the defendant, Poppa Bush, guilty as charged"
"Bill, you must pardon him, for me, if not for America"
"Quick Jeb. Grab those ones and start punching holes in them"
Cheney could not believe what had just happened and that, combined with the
"Spock, do your calculations for dimensional travel immediately!"